Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers cause pain, but there’s much you can do to reclaim your life and thrive despite having one.

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I’m often asked, “What can you do when you have a narcissistic mother?”

It is a poignant question because we’re all an extension of our mother in some way or another. You, for instance, may have similar physical features or personality characteristics that make people realize you are a product of your mom.

But, how do you protect yourself when your narcissistic mother, the very woman who gave you life or raised you, demands you provide her with the unconditional, one-way love that she feels entitled to…no matter how she treats you?

When this is the case, your narcissistic mother may see you as something that she created with the hope to have a copy of herself for her own amusement. Or, she may see you as an object, like a piece of luggage that should serve her when she needs it and be out of the away when she does not.

If so, you may have been treated with such disrespect and abuse that makes it difficult for you to develop any sort of real relationship with your mother, let alone feel the love towards your mom that she expects you to give. To the outside world, everything may have appeared perfect, but behind closed doors? That’s where the horror was released.

Many a narcissistic mother is aware of her demanding ways and believes everyone should treat her in the fantastical way that she sees herself. She may live in their own little world where her accomplishments, real or fake, are of grand proportions that no one else can live up to.

To this day, her expectations of you may be ever-changing and not truly attainable.  If you have a narcissistic mother, you may feel you are never good enough, or that you must compete with your siblings for her approval or affection. And, no matter how much you achieve or strive to accommodate her, you will not measure up to her unrealistic expectations.

Why do narcissistic moms have children?

When a narcissist has a child, it is not for the same reason that others procreate. She does so because she wants that child to satisfy her unmet needs.

These can vary from the need to feel like she will always be loved by you, or the hope she’ll be more bonded to her husband by providing a child, or the belief she’ll never be alone, or to have the illusion of another chance at life and so on.

Some narcissistic mothers essentially want a real-life extension of themselves, only to be deeply upset about the fact that they did not receive that “mini-me” from you. If, due to being a child, you could not meet her needs, your mother may have withdrawn from you or have become demeaning, critical, and manipulative. In short, it wasn’t acceptable for you to be a child because a child is, by its very nature, needy and “perfectly imperfect.”

The narcissistic mother’s love is typically volatile and conditional.   Below are three common roles in which the sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers often find themselves cast.

The roles can be projected by the narcissist onto one sibling then the next and the roles can last for moments or years.  Even more confusing, you may have been cast in different roles at different time in your childhood.  Read below to try to recall what roles you played and when you were cast.

Lost Child

This role involves a great deal of neglect.  Your narcissistic mother was simply not aware of, or interested in, your needs.  You could be sent to school with clothing too big or small, dirty, or unmatched.

You may have been teased by other kids because you did not have enough positive attention paid to you at home to know what was socially acceptable behavior. You often felt unlovable or unworthy because you were not treated as inherently valuable.

Scapegoated Child

Nothing you did was ever good enough. What may have satisfied your narcissistic mother one day could disappoint her the next.

If you expressed you felt your mother treated you unfairly, she might have led you to believe that you were crazy and ungrateful.  The “love” and “thoughtfulness” she gave you through her constant criticism was to be treasured.

If you did something of value and worth, you may have been cut down and made to believe that your accomplishments had no meaning in your narcissistic mother’s eyes.   Or, you could have been elevated and bragged about to the point of objectification.  (See Chosen, Hero or Golden child below.)

Chosen, Hero or Golden Child

To be the Chosen, Hero or Golden child of a narcissistic mother is usually the complete opposite of the scapegoat child. You are worshipped and idolized by your mother from the moment you are born.

You are the one person in her life that can do nothing wrong and every accomplishment, no matter how small, deserves a parade in her eyes. You’re a representation of the best of her, the golden child.

You may become even more important than her spouse in a sometimes provocative and psychologically seductive way.

Lost Child, Scapegoat & Chosen, Hero or Golden Child in a Narcissistic Family System:

Many times, there’s a golden child and a scapegoat in the narcissistic family. The golden child is a “favorite” of the mother’s choosing. Then there’s the scapegoat, the one who gets the blame for everything, the one who can never be as good as the mother or the golden child.

The scapegoat never measures up in the mother’s eyes. She can win awards, get good grades, get into a great school, but it goes unnoticed or unacknowledged.

If it’s noted, it’s usually done so in a way that makes the mother look good, saying that everything the child has learned is because of the mother’s parenting efforts.

The Lost Child will sometimes be relieved to hide from the narcissistic mother and at other times be pulled into more attention getting roles.

Why Don’t Narcissistic Mothers Change?

Narcissistic moms blame everyone else, and too often their children, for the consequences their own self absorbed choices have caused. It often falls to friends and family members to point out the extreme oddity of the narcissistic mother’s ways and recommend treatment. Even when offered help, a narcissist is more likely to be offended than to seek treatment.

Ironically, though the people around the narcissistic mother can identify the source of their suffering, the narcissist does not believe she is the one who should change.

Therefore, it is unlikely your mother sought treatment for narcissism.  In contrast, she may have put you in treatment with the hope that you would become easier to deal with.

Children and spouses are the ones who often suffer most, not the narcissist themselves, because the narcissist doesn’t feel that their chronically self-absorbed behavior is just that. Quite the opposite, actually. The narcissistic mother feels that everyone else is at fault when things go wrong.

As a child, you had to learn from very early on how to please your mother enough to survive. You may have grown up to think that nothing you ever do is good enough and that you are not worthy of the love you desire.

Narcissism, at its extreme, is a mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD), characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, fantasies of success, power, and physical attractiveness that the person may or may not possess, a constant need for attention and admiration, and obsessive self-interest. These are the obvious symptoms that people think of when they think of the term “narcissism.”

There are a cluster of personality disorders, including NPD, that are on the narcissistic spectrum described by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and they include Borderline Personality Disorder as well as Histrionic Personality Disorder.

These disorders describe different chronic behavioral patterns often exhibited by a narcissistic mother who may not even be aware of how she is treating you.

In sum, the first step in dealing with a narcissist is to identify the repetitive hurtful behaviors rooted in how you were cast in the roles identified above.  Accept that your narcissistic mother is highly resistant to change.  Then, learn how to best respond to her negative behaviors in order to protect your happiness.

Why Narcissists Have Children

Why do narcissists even have kids in the first place?

I’m going to cut straight to the chase on this one. Narcissists do not have children for the same reason that emotionally healthy people do.

They have them because they need more mirrors, more images to remind themselves of how great they are and how they brought someone into the world that is like them.

Unfortunately for the narcissistic parent, this isn’t the case 99.9% of the time because as children age, they develop their own sense of self and their own personality apart from their parents. Then they become more of a burden than a blessing on their narcissistic parent.

Some narcissists become parents out of accident or because of an ill-thought out plan they created to have someone there to love and admire them without having to give it back in return.

They’re looking for the narcissistic supply which they try to obtain from anyone and everyone. They believe that having a child will give them an endless supply because their child must love them and has to be a part of their lives, while they’re young at least.

Narcissists see their kids as someone they can put their name on, a product that they can put out into the world with their branding all over it. They use their children to gain self-esteem and as someone they can easily walk all over. They want their children to take care of them and reverse the roles of how parent-child interactions should be.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in every facet of their lives.

They try to keep their children from growing up and gaining their own identity, fearing it will lead their children to leave them and go on to live their own lives.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in four different ways:

  1. Guilt-driven: They make their children feel guilty and making them feel like a burden on the narcissistic parent. They say things like, “I sacrificed my life, my body, for you…”
  2. Dependence-driven: The narcissistic parent makes their child feel that they could not go on living without their child in their life. They tell their kids that they need them and that they cannot take care of themselves, their lives, and their well-being by themselves.
  3. Goal-driven: I like to call this the Tiger Mom Effect. This means that the narcissistic parent, not necessarily the mother (although it usually is), is always striving or making their child strive to be the best no matter what and no matter if the child is truly interested in the goal or not. They live vicariously through their child and ride on the coattails of their achievements. They may say things like, “We have a goal we need to achieve…”
  4. Explicit: This type of control is based on negative repercussions if their child does not do what they want or say. They withhold rewards and give excessive punishment if they do not get their way. This can be very draining on the child because they feel that they can never do anything right.


Most narcissistic mothers see motherhood as a burden and like to let it be known how much work it is. They do not take into account that children are not merely mirrors of themselves and that they are actual human beings with wants, needs, and feelings different than their own.

They often pick a favorite, or a golden child, who can do no wrong and grows up with unrealistic expectations of praise and worth. They also have children that are the scapegoats, the ones who all the blame is put on and are never worthy enough no matter how great their achievements may be.

They play the children off of each other for their own amusement, which causes riffs between the siblings that may not be mended easily. The narcissistic parent is always comparing the children and blaming them for his or her shortcomings.

Narcissistic parents treat their children in different ways. They either try to control them, ignore them completely, or engulf them and make it so they cannot develop into their own self.

A narcissistic mother fails to treat her child as an authentic person with wants and needs which may not match up with hers. She is completely self-centered and needs the attention to be all about her no matter what. If her child’s accomplishment is something to be admired, she’ll take all the credit for it while at the same time telling their child that they could’ve done better.

Parenthood is never about anyone else but them. For most people, having a child means having someone to take care of and love, not the other way around. A narcissist cares about no one but themselves and not even having a child can change their mindset.

Narcissistic Types

There are many faces of narcissism. Some of these may not be scientific or politically correct terms, but I feel that if you have a narcissistic mother in your life, you may be able to recognize some of these and nod your head in agreement.

  1. The Time Hostage: Your mom gets mad at you when you need to reschedule but assumes you will reschedule with her and/or repeatedly cancels on you last minute.
  2. The Quietly Self-Absorbed Narcissist: She’s socially withdrawn and odd thinking, with morose self-doubts and a relentless search for power and has fantasies of great achievements.
  3. The Nice Narcissist: She’s nice. She just needs you to agree with her at all times or she won’t like you.
  4. The Victim: She is unable to take accountability for her choices.  She looks at a problem and blames it on something out of her control instead of searching for anything in the situation she can change.
  5. The Attacker: She comes at you with attacks to see if you admit to anything or, as a way of expressing her fears.
  6. The Downer: She is so busy talking about why everything is lacking that she isn’t emotionally present to you.
  7. The Assessor: It is her job to critique how you measure up and point out anything you could improve on, not to give at least equal time to telling you what you do right.
  8. The Credit Taker: She takes credit for everything, whether she deserves it or not. She passes the blame onto others, whether justified or not. She’s always right, never wrong.
  9. The Jealous Narcissist: If you have it, she wants it or will strive to make it seem worth less than it is and devalue it.
  10. The Competitor: She lets you know you may be good but she is better, or prettier, or smarter, or more accomplished than you’ll ever be.
  11. The Operator: She work’s her own agenda at all times. She’s walled off in her plans for you and everyone else whether you agree with her or not.
  12. The Fading Beauty: She is not handling the aging process well and looks at your comparable youth as an affront.
  13. The Beauty Queen: She identifies herself strongly with her attractiveness and may have been the homecoming queen, the best dressed, or known for her beauty.  She’s especially bothered if you don’t try to make the most of your looks.
  14. The Innocent Narcissist: She’s highly defensive and extremely hostile but masks it behind a “poor me” facade of vulnerability.
  15. The Enraged Narcissist: She screams to get her needs met and projects rage without a filter, not caring who sees it. She doesn’t apologize for her actions.
  16. The Vengeful Narcissist: She enjoys inflicting pain on others and getting back at them if she does not get her way.
  17. The Passive Aggressive Narcissist: She sulks and gives the silent treatment and plots how to punish those who don’t give her what she wants. She is vindictive and capable of becoming a stalker.
  18. The Stealth Narcissist: She fakes an interest in other people and their needs and knows that acting concerned with get her what she wants.
  19. The Cruel Narcissist: She is never fair and her discipline shows that. She knowingly causes you pain and enjoys knowing that you are miserable.
  20. The Character Assassinator: She is always trying to tarnish your reputation by lying, exaggerating, or manipulating the facts to make you look bad and to make her look good.
  21. The Stingy Narcissist: Gifts, compliments, advice and money are given, but look out when you inevitably fail.
  22. The Wounded Narcissist: She feels victimized and the world is against her. She needs you to take care of her and aid in her every want and need.
  23. The Disdainful Narcissist: You are treated as though you are less than what she expected, a disappointment or failure.
  24. The Scapegoating Narcissist: Her life would be better if you were better, or whoever she’s choosing to scapegoat was better. And it will not be better until this person changes.
  25. The User Narcissist: She takes advantage of you and treats you as more of an employee than anything else. She uses you to get ahead in her own life.
  26. The Boundary-less Narcissist: There is no difference between you and her, you are an extension of her and therefore she has no limits. She intrudes on your space and looks through your personal belongings. She embarrasses you constantly.
  27. The Amnesia Narcissist: No matter what healthy requests you’ve made, it is as if you have to repeat yourself every time. For example, “Please don’t hug me or kiss me, it makes me feel uncomfortable,” is ignored.
  28. The Needy Narcissist: “You don’t give me enough calls” or attention. She wants more from you than anyone could deliver.
  29. The Time-Sucker Narcissist: You could spend every minute with this person and they would still feel neglected.
  30. The Mind-Reader Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, and yet they have read into something and insist it is true.
  31. The Clairvoyant Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, but once they have said it you realize it’s true and it’s usually something negative about them (can cause identity confusion for you).
  32. The Touchy-Feely Narcissist: You are expected to tolerate her touching you however and whenever they want.
  33. The Holiday Narcissist: You don’t exist unless it is their birthday or a holiday where she feels the need for family time.
  34. The Glamour Narcissist: She is all about making herself look good. She buys the most expensive clothes, gets her hair and nails done, and doesn’t care about the amount of money she spends.
  35. The Rockstar Narcissist: She believes that she is the center of attention and it should always be that way. She’s the main attraction and wants everyone to idolize her, even if she really has no talents or reason to be in the limelight.
  36. The World Traveler Narcissist: She brags about places she’s been and makes up stories about the places she hasn’t been, but tells people she has. She has grandiose fantasies about how worldly she is.
  37. The Professor/Elite Intellectual Narcissist: She is brainy and seeks admiration for her intelligence. She uses her intellect to put others down and make them feel stupid.
  38. The Stage Mom/The Promoter: She lives her fantasies through you. She makes you do the things she wish she could [still] do and believes your achievements are her own.
  39. The Fashionista: She tells you how to dress and what not to wear—often when you’re already wearing it!
  40. Miss Manners: She still meticulously points out your etiquette failures– from how you eat to what family events you should attend.
  41. The Publicist: She brags about you to others but is excessively critical of you when you are alone.
  42. The Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde Narcissist: She is nice in public, but mean under her breath or when alone.
  43. The Forever Young Narcissist: When did you become more mature than your mother? How old is she, really, emotionally?
  44. The Hot Mama Narcissist: Sexualized and distracted.
  45. The Lovesick Narcissist: Always chasing that ideal mate or trying to win the affection of her partner.
  46.  The Enabler Mom: She is too distracted with your rebel siblings’ problems or her partner’s addictive behaviors and seems to get a bit of a rush or power out of rescuing.
  47. The Social Butterfly: Everyone in town loves her, she is a generous host, but she can’t be bothered to make time for you.
  48. The Hypochondriac Narcissist: She believes something’s physically wrong with her, you should be checking in on her. And, if you don’t, as luck would have it, she unfortunately has something real going on every once in awhile. Or, it’s nothing a reputable doctor will confirm but she’s fighting off her cancer, leprosy, etc. with special treatments she’s managed to find through her own sheer will to survive.
  49. The Financially-Challenged Narcissistic: She just needs a little bit of help for this umpteenth self created crisis and she’s sorry she hasn’t paid you back yet for the last time you lent her money.
  50. The Martyr Narcissist: Her refrain is “How Can You Do This to Me?”  She tells you that you make her miserable, suicidal, isolated, or some other negative emotion. You are told that, in one way or another, you control her emotions and that if you would just do what she wanted she would be fine.
  51. The BFF (Best Friends Forever) Narcissist: You are her best friend, she doesn’t know what she would do without you, unless she had a better offer, in that case you’ll just have to wait until the next time she’s lonely. You are brought out like a doll when she wants attention then ignored when she doesn’t need it (but seriously, when doesn’t she need it?). This is also a description of what is experienced when someone is another’s “narcissistic supply.”
  52. The Expensive Narcissist: She has ruined your credit through manipulation to use your credit.
  53. The Criminal Narcissist: Some narcissists exploit their children or others through identity theft, mismanagement of trust funds, and fraudulent financial dealings. You may or may not have been the target of her crime, but she doesn’t see the rule of law applies to her. She may have Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is a pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. As if the narcissism wasn’t enough!

If you found this article helpful, I encourage you to read my free eBook The 7 Steps to Recovering from a Narcissistic Mother.

{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

ramzus August 5, 2016 at 7:56 am

what it looks like having a narscissic mother?..hell on earth..i tried sometimes to imagine what my feelings will be after her death..i’m shocked because i will be little sorry for her for not being neither a good wife nor a good mother..nor a good sister or aunt..for not being able to love truly from heart anyone including her self or be loved..according to samvaknin videos which helped and still helping me a lot..and who was a narscissist who destroys his whole life..he said that this illness is incurable.

i’m 30..i was once a scapegoat for my mother..she was always complaining about my looks,my behaviour,my glasses,my education,my relatives,my neighberhood,.such an enraged demon who keeps constantly attacking anyone who comes across her or getting close to her..her biggest fears is strangers..she wanted always to leave a perfect image of her self even by humiliating me or my brothers or my dad..all of her relations stem from the notion of conflict.. anyone is her ennemy until hes prooves the praising her ..always

until now i can’t relate to others so calm,indifferent depressive..i smoke a lot..i thought sometimes of commiting suicide but since i don’t know what will be after death..and that maybe i will suffer more for the reason of killing myself! trapped between two hells..i can’t even support myself financially not to run away from her..but to help my two brothers and one sister to endure the suffering..they are the cause why i’m still not mad..cause i love them too much ..for what is concerning me i feel that i have no feelings anymore..a dead corpse..i’m the elder..i travelled abroad for two years and come back hoping not that she will even miss me the slightest..but for a happy face..of course this didn’t happen

since i was 22 i become rebellious bit by father cooperates with her and doesnt want to divorce because he fears the thoughts of this arabic trivial society..and he’s mocking me and my brothers when i was 28 my mother hits my sister very badly because she caught her calling her friend on the sister ran away to my aunt’s house in another father is playing with the cats and pretends it’s all okay..even if he is more generous than her but he is irresponsible and has childish i took a knife from the kitchen..and i threatened them for the first time in order to bring back my sister..since then she feared me..i never talk to her..and i cannot run away

now i fully understand her situation..after a long suffering after she destroyd my education carrer for obliging to work and educate..after wiping my personality and sewing a horrible amount of guilt in me that i’m crippled and i can’t do anything..after destroying the whole family..her sisters..her grandmother..i cannot even endure hearing her will be nothing but constant complaining nagging..she did horrible things..the lattest is trying to turning the ones i love much in this world my brothers..but i believe she will never succed because they love me too

i cannot run away..i cannot look at her anymore..she’s until now and since my childhood doesnt want to cook dinner for us.. she’s a devil on earth..but now she fears me..i’m her worst nightmare..she is trying only to manipulatemy brothers and turn them against me..after destroying all our lifes..but you know what i believe i deserve all of this..i don’t say why me..i say what not me friends there is no solution at all..but you can only minimising contact with her as possible as you can..i do not advise to run away..because you will be filled with guilt ingrained in you by her..but minimising contact and make sarcastic comments about her deeds in the past..she will be mad time after time until she herself will run away from you..and looking for another victim

dont forget..hell is empty..all demons are here on earth


Lydia August 6, 2016 at 8:15 am

Thank you for your helpful story. It confirms to me that it takes a very very long time to figure out what we are dealing with — a NM. Say we leave the house at age 18 for university. Suddenly we are in a normal world. We make friends and build a social life. But at holiday time we can’t figure out how we can have good friends and good grades and start thinking about where we want to go at uni and but at home to be told what horrible children, disloyal children we are. We fight but usually repent and accept her truth and try harder to be someone she love and approve. It might take us another 18 years to believe (really believe) that the problem is HER and not US.

For me, that is when true freedom begins.

Still, she sabotages us behind our backs to our beloved siblings. It’s a horrible horrible situation. But she knows what she is doing. When the spider catches a fly in its web, it isolates it, wraps it up and sucks it dry. We try to warn our sibs but often she prevails on them. In the end, our brothers and sisters are not really benefitting by staying “on her side.” Someday I hope they see the light. I hear your pain and sorrow and frustration. Thankful for the www. where we can compare notes across the world and say, “yes, I have that disease in my family too. And it’s painful.”

It feels like many years of my life have been lost trying to get into her good graces. And my heart is heavy with how it “could have been.” But her choice is to reject, rebuke and refuse to include my kids in her life. (Her loss.) This is her choice to behave that way- not yours.

You are right, hell is empty and the demons are all on earth! The trick is to be able to spot one and walk away! My game plan right now is to focus each day moving always toward the Light in my life – loving my kids, doing as much good as I can in my life and my work, and minimizing all contact with NM – who lives 5 hours away now.

Don’t give up.That’s what she wants you to do. Keep living your life. What she wants most is for you to “crumble” and go back to her. Stay strong and lead the way. The world is full of loving and kind prople. Find them. With much prayer and minimal contact, maybe someday your brothers will join you.


Lydia August 6, 2016 at 8:20 am

(So sorry for the typos, I hit send before it was ready. Namaste.)


ramzus August 8, 2016 at 7:20 am

thanks for your kind you said “my life have been lost trying to get into her good graces”..yes this the most horrible feel empty feel a certain judge hidden inside who keeps directing your feelings toward a standard by which to catch to our NM wishes not us..we do not have what is a true or fake desire anymore.

this sometimes made me believe that this planet is a hell of another one!!..with this kind of mothers there is no hope for them to change..because they lack both empathy and guilt feelings..

thank you again for your helpful comment..wish the best for you and your kids..i believe the most important thing for you is not letting the hidden feelings of guilt make you too sensitive toward your kids..yes you are a good mum..a fair mum..loving generous..but i think not to the point of being completely the opposite of the mum..i mean you have to maintain an equilibrium in raising kids even it leads sometimes to causing them pain..a purposeful pain to their deeds not to them that will guide them to lead a healthy life and feeling responsible and autonomous..and they will know what is wrong and what is right

best wishes


Renee August 10, 2016 at 3:56 pm

Survivor Friends,

It’s been several years since became enlightened to my nm’s psychological illness. The first 47ish years of my life was to have my parents just acknowledge one of my achievements (some are pretty amazing I feel) but it always fell short for one of their ridiculous reasons or another. Read back, back, back. I’m there. You can read for yourself where I was and now, where I am in the present.

I’m sharing with you that there is hope for us all. I was paralyzed with fear in being cut out of the family ……….. so fearful that I unintentionally sometimes put my nm before my own children. For that, I am very ashamed AND I didn’t have any other resources to empower and educate myself about this very real psychological disease.

The ties have been cut and I don’t miss barb (the nm). My children were instrumental, along with my lifelong friends, that it was barb and not me. Yes, there is the ache when I see mothers with their daughters and the wonderful relationship that they share. But each party has to have psychological and emotional health and balance. Our birth vehicle just didn’t have that health and balance, to which we own nothing. It is just unfortunate to be born into a lifetime struggle and yet there is hope that you too will come to acknowledge it is not you, gather strength to move yourself away from the illness, and live a healthy life.

Be the parent you didn’t have ~ you can do it! And honor the fact that you are breaking this cycle of victimization by changing the power you now have. I have been there; the angst, the guilt, the tears, the anger, the grief, the gripping fear, all of it. And I’m ok today, as my family is too (husband and children). My husband will comment from time to time that he doesn’t miss barb’s drama, how much more peaceful our lives are without her in it. And more so, the children have NO desire to talk to their grandmother. If that’s not a powerful indicator, nothing else could be.

I believe in all of you. Continue to read, absorb, self assess, embrace the fear and then stab it. You can and will get there. It is work. Actively removing yourself of you nm’s vicious victimization is the BEST thing you will ever give yourself and your nuclear family.

The best to you all ~ peace, healing, balance, and love.


K August 15, 2016 at 5:54 pm

Renee, you’re a fine living testament to the hope that survivors have. I have been told of my C-PTSD, and its ALL making sense now, was in denial for waay too long. Thank you for sharing your hope and for saying the kids do not have desire to see grandma, if THAT does not speak volumes I do not know what else could!! Because they don’t have 3- 4 decades under their belt like many of us do! Blessings and peace


Renee September 7, 2016 at 12:01 pm

Got your back!


N/A August 15, 2016 at 6:32 pm

I have lived to this point in constant battles with my parents as if i’m a disease and one to blame. Everything that goes wrong I become the scapegoat, it went as far as calling me a ‘Slut’, ‘Demon Child’, ‘Good-For-Nothing’ and ‘If I had a gun I’d shoot you point blank right now.’ Ever since I was a little girl I’ve had to put up with her stealing, lying, physical (at times), emotional & verbal abuse as well as bribery to shut me up. I tried counselling once for thought of myself going crazy. She even went as far as putting me in a ‘Cleaning ritual’ since she thought I did drugs. She has always convinced my father that I’m a very bad person that needs to be isolated and miserable. When I confronted and told her stop her attitude problems up in my face. The tactics she would use is: ‘I pay everything for you, I give you everything and this is how you treat me.’ The other thing she would do is tell my father how horrible I was to her and how I need to be controlled. She would then act like a martyr, sob to get attention until I get treated like shit by my father then she would continue to tell my sibling what a monster I am. After I am completely miserable she would suddenly cheer up, plan things with my sibling and father then leave me out of it. When I ask what’s happening I get the evil stare and get told ‘We already had a discussion about it, why don’t you remember?’ She even cheated on him with an uncle in our basement and bribed me with shopping expenses to shut me up. Eventually I spilled the beans when I got into a fight with her. Causing my father to call me a liar, selfish, stupid and also hit me. When confronted with this problem she denied her actions and later yelled at me saying I’m the devil and ‘Are you happy now for causing this problem?’ When I got an award in school they thought I printed it out as a fake. In reality I got it from the school while I was in class. After that they continued more with emotional and verbal abuse then physical abuse. The other thing they continued was throwing things at me with a face of anger. Whatever I did good or bad nothing goes correctly. The abuse over the years took it’s toll, I became more introverted, I trust close to no one and feel trapped. Every time I tried to make things better for myself I would get the same attack: ‘You can’t do anything, you think you are so smart huh?’ I’m tired of it. I got sick of it when I started highschool, I started to fight back more and more. However it didn’t work out as all the stress from it got me to the hospital spitting out blood. I thought I was actually gonna die and felt a sense of relief. But as it turns out I’m alive and still taking abuse. Even relationships I’ve had failed epically, I end up getting the shit and verbal attacks. It has gotten so bad to the point that I’ve been called degrading names and got pushed several times. I only dated a few people in my life. I stopped dating altogether because I got sick of it. I have never sold myself, I’ve never did drugs, never smoked. I practically can’t do anything without feeling somebody or someone watching my back every single day. It’s my own personal prison of hell. Anybody that tries to help me gets sucked into it too. That’s why I’ve been enduring it mostly on my own. The other times I just distract myself with studying or watching kids cartoons like bugs bunny or something like pokemon just to get my mind off from all of it. When I get a job, it’s normal to come home late. I however get verbally attacked for doing so. When the manger at the workplace asks me to stay late I want to say yes, however if I do I get the consequences when I go home. I have gone home late due to school related activities but I got insulted for doing so. I just want to put my effort in helping out, joining school clubs or school related activities but I can’t ever do so. I’m old enough to drink and have a party but I’m stuck with unreasonable hours. It was bad for me in highschool, I had to leave immediately after school and had to be home when school was done for the day. It was impossible since I had to bus home. I almost got hit by a vehicle for who knows how many times. It doesn’t help the fact that I’ve been bullied in elementary school, then from middle school the whole class went against me without even listening to what I had to say. Then in highschool I got picked on for self-image in which I had enough. I get abuse from home already and go to school to deal with this? Obviously I have had enough of this shit. Even my relatives are the type of people who would call for help from you and stab you in the back the next day. The other part of them is that they are money hungry, ego boosting and self-pride issues. It really doesn’t help at all. I still have to put up shit since I’m a female, I wear clothes from top to bottom and still get verbal attacks from guys on the street. Hello? I wear t-shirts and long jeans, I hardly wear skirts and I don’t wear mini-skirts or short-shorts for that matter. I go outside with my legs fully covered and have my shirt on. I do wear makeup since I use it to cover up pimples and I contour because I don’t like my skin tone. I’ve been called fatty at home and always feel a self-hate, I don’t know how to love myself so how can I really truly love another person? I don’t hate other people I just don’t know how to talk and interact with them properly. I feel like I created another person inside of myself to hide the pain. If I became another person I feel like I can do anything possible that can be positive. I feel like the real me got cut with a huge knife and almost got totally butchered. While this me right now feels like I can do anything and throw the pain away to that other me. It’s crazy that I’ve been living like this. I know that it sucks, but I’m enduring it until I have enough to move out. I feel like that is the best option for me at the moment. Since I don’t want to live in this type of environment anymore. I have gotten sick to the point of actual headaches, dizziness and vomiting. I’m done with it. I need a way out of it. I had enough of this negative environment. If anyone has to deal with it I suggest to save money and move the hell away from people like this. Because having to deal with it like I have for so many years is insane and totally unacceptable. I’m currently saving up money to get out of this environment.


Dark Rose August 17, 2016 at 12:01 pm

your story really moved me, no one understands the type of pain these types of people cause. sometimes i catch myself thinking how can someone do all this to someone, cause so much hurt & damage but not be bothered, they don’t feel guilt or remorse. I don’t get it. To hell with this type of evil & all that are alike. My mother does so much damage but sometimes I second guess myself, like, but maybe she is nice & it’s just me. I have been denied so many times that I question my own existence. All I know is the way my mother & family have made me feel & the shit things they have done to me. I have been beaten physically by mother the most, sometimes brothers & on two occasions my father. The emotional abuse is relentless, anything & everything is used as a weapon against me, what i say, what i don’t say, they get angry when i’m happy but then get angry when i show i’m sad, they break down my confidence, by insults, hidden criticism, open criticism, belittling me, disregarding me by ignoring or social exclusion, just by the way they stare at me, making me feel stupid & that i’m not capable, they do all this & then get angry that i’m an introvert that fears them, they hate the way I am but they don’t want me to be any other way. Then if I dare to ever voice how I feel, I will be made to look like i’m imagining everything, my brother sides with mother. Then after all that they will be nice sometimes, not nice enough to let me feel human, just nice enough to keep me in between their fingers. Basically I am the one they look at to feel better about themselves. They want to only ever see me in a negative light, anything good about me is denied of it’s existence. So it’s put downs, abuse, crap. I swear even when mother looks at me, even if it is for 5 seconds, she only sees the negative, her mind won’t allow her to see the positive. Then whatever way they want me to be, in their minds i’m exactly that, if they want me to be crazy, stupid, ugly, that is what I will be. They don’t see me, but they see the image they have created for me, & they force me to believe it as well, but i fight so hard every single day against it. my sister in-law is living with us now, & my mother praises her for the smallest things, then my mother will say, omg your just like me, & it doesn’t help my sister in law carries similar traits to my family. I don’t know how that happened maybe likes are attracted to likes, maybe she sees that im the black sheep so she joins in as well, or maybe she is just like them & needs to reassure herself by bringing someone down & i’m the perfect choice, because my family aren’t on my side, she can see that i have no one, so she takes advantage, my mum is more accepting & loving towards her. My sister in law will make sly, back hand remarks to bring me down, & just everything about her reminds me of mother, like if i did some house chores & she did some chores, she’ll brag & say it’s because of her & she commanded the chores to be done & my mother loves this about her, she just loves there is someone else on her team. I felt nauseous the other day & i vomited because i smoked too many cigarettes. When the SIL asked, i said it was because of the cigarettes. A couple days later she says oh don’t over eat, & I was like why not, she said you’ll throw up again. But then I said I threw up because of the smoking. See how they twist things around just to suit their reality, who said anything about over eating. Mind you I am happy with my body, but she tries to always make me feel like I’ve gained weight but I haven’t, she’s the one who’s unhappy with her body & she’s just projecting that onto me. Everyone projects their issues onto me so they can feel satisfied that it’s me & not them, even if I don’t carry a problem they have, they convince themselves that I do, or they magnify my problems to hide theirs. As long as I am the loser & the weak one or this or that, it covers what’s wrong with them, like if the negative attention is always on me, no one will notice anyone else in the room, or their problems, weaknesses, This dynamic scares me & i feel evil & cruelty within it. I’m like a human dumping ground, I have to carry my own issues & the issues of everyone else, while they live in denial blissfully. This kind of family dynamic carries so much pain, I feel I can talk forever about the things these people do to me, the things they say, the way i’ve been treated, i feel i can write a novel about it & still won’t feel satisfied. Because it’s been happening my whole life, Imagine something happening to you, day in day out your entire life, imagine the amount of things you have seen these people do to you. What’s scary is it’s the same formula of abuse, but because our circumstances change throughout our lives, it’s always aimed at something else. they will pick at you & pick at you for something, then it changes as you change. For example when you are young, they threaten you when you go out, hit you, isolate you, then when your older & time to work, they bring you down about finding a job, about your intelligence. Something like looks can always be used against you, like if you wear makeup they criticise you & if you don’t they criticise you. If you end up gaining weight or your hair falls out these things will be used against you. Basically you will be abused for being human, lets face it everyone’s appearance changes over time. So there’s a pressure to remain perfect so you don’t give them more ammunition to attack, it’s natural to go through down patches in your life, it will be used against you. it is normal to make mistakes but you are not allowed to make a mistake because every little mistake you make will be used against you, even if it is as small as stuttering a word, holding the vacuum the wrong way, an imperfect posture, if your hair is out of place, if there is a blemish, they want you to be perfect but attack you when you aren’t. Its a lose lose situation because its impossible to be perfect, & it’s human to be flawed. So no matter what, you will never, ever, win. Mind you the abusers are so far from perfect & are so flawed, that it is amusing but disturbing at the same time that they don’t see it, they just see all your flaws, weaknesses, mistakes, whatever it is. You fill the gaps to their holes. They take from you, selfishly, without your consent. They need you there, to feel better about themselves, you’re their daily source of whatever they need, oh they don’t feel good about their appearance they’ll pick yours apart, they don’t feel good about their accomplishments, they’ll highlight where they feel you are lacking, they aren’t confident with who they are as a person, they’ll highlight undesired traits within you, either existent or non-existent. I describe these people as, someone who gets out of their own way to make your life miserable any way they can. They can’t stand the idea of you being successful so they will sabotage your opportunities, they get chills down their spines if something good happens to you & must destroy it for you immediately, they must prove their false idea of you & always prove that they are somehow more competent or better or that others are better, reinforcing the idea that you are beneath them. I always wonder don’t they get tired? Tired of the negativity they force themselves to see in you. tired of plotting their next ill move towards you, worrying one day that you will expose them for what they are & prove your worth. That’s why there is strength in numbers & there is usually just one person picked for this role. I have tried to teach myself to not fall for the idea or the image they want me to be, I can’t trust them & need to understand there is always ill intent behind each move they make. I just don’t understand why it has to be me, but I know for a fact if someone else was chosen to abuse by my family, I would of protected them anyway I could. No one in my family protect me, everyone plays their part, to keep this sick & twisted fantasy alive, that I am beneath them in every single way, & they will always look better in comparison to me. I just wait now, wait for their karma, but sometimes i wonder why god has let me suffer so much cruelties inflicted by others. I know I was always unwanted, treated like I wasn’t human, an animal but even some animals get treated better, garbage. I am a burden because I exist, everything about me is revolting, they hate everything about me, they wish i wasn’t there, my only purpose is to serve them when they need to feel better about themselves. I am only hear to look at in a disgusting way, I am a mistake, I am not a person. I don’t matter, nor does what I feel or think. I am so paranoid of them thinking negative & evil things about me, that I don’t have my own thoughts, all my spare time I am thinking about them. Then I worry what’s their next move, from where will they attack me next, anything I say & do will be used against me, so I am constantly altering my demeanour & personality, the things I can & can’t say to protect me, but they get me every time. Sometimes I feel or I feel they feel, that they know what I am thinking & feeling, I’m always watched & I can’t hide my secrets because they know everything about me. I am so paranoid any time I interact with them, I analyse every single facial expression, emotion in their eyes, I have to analyse what they said & decipher the hidden hurtful remark, my mind says they are always out to hurt you, you must protect yourself, when they smile I feel they are mocking me, whatever I say or talk about is used to hurt me, they deflect. It’s such a pain to go through this every single day, one will look at me like I am so ugly & worthless, they do it so much you believe it, another will say something they know will hurt you, another will smirk at you while looking at a physical flaw they know you are sensitive about. I get made to feel like I am trash just for existing & not being perfect. It is every single day, they never ever change & never will. I will throw a pity party & ask why me, I have been abused most of my life by my own family, what am I supposed to do, find the healing light & then what? My whole life I have been denied of my experiences & invalidated by everyone, so much people suffer from this, then we are supposed to make excuses for our abusers & find some sort of great lesson out of the garbage you have been made to believe you are. All I see is senseless cruelty, it’s senseless, there is no why & reason behind it, they do it because they can & they keep doing it because they get away with it. They indulge in their weak & evil desires, simple. Can anyone explain evil? No they can’t. It comes in all different shapes & sizes, there is no sense behind it, the more you try to understand evil the crazier you will get. My belief will always be that god created hell for a reason. There is a good reason why god created a place made purely for suffering. Everyone will get what they deserve in the end.


Clarissa September 17, 2016 at 7:10 pm

What the last writer just said about her being angry whenever I’m happy really hit home. During periods in my life I’ve been called a robot by people, or an ice queen. And I haven’t always understood what they mean, but I do realise now that I just don’t allow myself to feel emotions the way other people do. I never smile or cry in front of my mother, to do so puts me at a disadvantage. A smile enrages her, my happiness angers her, and to see my tears seems to inspire her to make a mental note of my vulnerability to exploit in the future. I’m really having issues with this, as I’m in my 30s and still single. I truly cannot show real vulnerability to anyone, I do not think I deserve love or friendship though I recognise I feel constantly lonely. And my judgement in men is impaired, and in time I realised this too. But yet I seem too inept to break the cycle.


Vicky Totino October 24, 2016 at 6:58 am

I’m not a professional psychologist but my years of analogy and evaluation of every confusing moment in my life has gained me much insight. I closely study others to learn what a loving and supportive upbringing teaches a child and to compare myself to them in order to learn confidence and assertiveness. Your story is very close to mine and I feel I can offer some sound advice. First of all I wish you would change your user name. Dark Rose sounds like a name forced upon you, not who you truly are. Do yourself a favor and refuse to relate to that title, you seem to be more of a Precious rose than a dark one.
I don’t know your age but I can tell you that it is essential that you remove yourself from any association to them as soon as possible. It is the responsibility of every human being to be the best version of themselves. The world must not be deprived of the wonderful gifts you are hiding under a bushel in the name of self-preservation.
I believe that the abnormal narcissism gene could be inherited, but you must realize that your siblings are victims too. They are trying desperately to stave off any negative focus by chiming in. It is simply the defense-mechanism they are perfecting and are in their own hell within the family dynamics. Whether they realize it or not, they are learning from the narcissist and have been assigned a roll in the family unit too. Mine is the scapegoat, and I suspect yours is too.
Like you, I also thought I could write a book that readers would find unbelievable. A horror story so incomprehensible people couldn’t imagine surviving it. Now I realize my story is a text book case of this criminal behavior. I also wanted to retaliate by confronting my mother to express all of the ways she damaged me and the successes I have enjoyed despite her desire to see me fail miserably or learn I became a stripper or fulfill her wish that I die of a drug overdose. But I realized that it is impossible for a narcissist to wrap their head around anything but praise, admiration and any other accolades or worship for them. I have resolved myself to the fact that any contact would only give her more ammunition to work with and distort. I seriously considered staging my own death for her benefit so I could be free at last of her poison tongue. I even began compiling a case against her suing for reckless endangerment of a minor, sexual misconduct and conspiring with my step father to victimize me in order to satiate his sexual deviance. She has no capability for love so I wanted to sue her for the only things that matter to her, money and her saintly appearance she believes others admire her for.
The biggest reason I wanted to reply to you was the poor self image low self esteem you exhibited. It is also very clear to me that you are a sensitive soul and trusting of others. Those are two very valuable qualities that would be a shame to lose because of the many convincing reasons your experience otherwise teaches you. There was so much self-deprecation peppered throughout your story. I know how that feels and I have to do what I can to convince you that there is a better life waiting for you. The only way you will recognize that option is to get as far away as you can from the negativity and conditioning from people that have no intention towards your best interest. Do your best to recognize the personality type and when you do, run fast and far. Accept any sacrifice in order to protect to yourself from anything or anyone that doesn’t celebrate your individuality and finally, find a way to love yourself. To quote you (and the Beatles), “Everyone will get what they deserve in the end.” “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
Love and Light


Gloria August 16, 2016 at 11:12 am

Dear family,
I do not say that lightly.
This is literally the only family I have in my life right now.
Thank you for all the inspiration.
A year ago i discovered this website and immediately went now contact with teopista(nm) and the entire huge family and entirely circle of lifelong friends that shoe head visciously biased against me. My boyfriend broke up within me, he just couldn’t take her drama anymore. My career,my education, social network, acquaintances, everything, gone.
Now picking up the peaces and slowly putting them back together.
Keep posting.
Thanx for taking me in.
New family.
Peace. Finally.


Sweetpea September 4, 2016 at 1:33 pm

Hi Gloria,
I would like to type to you if you like.
I have a nm which I only discovered was narcisstic when I was 45.
I too have no real family except with people I read.
It helps.
It makes you feel less mad and less alone.
I always just wanted a normal mother.
Ahh well.


Gloria September 28, 2016 at 5:30 am

Hi Sweetpea,
Thanx for the sentiments.
I so understand.
And about the mother bit,yea am so afraid of being a mother myself. But we’ll see.
Good luck to you my dear


Gloria August 16, 2016 at 11:17 am

Sorry about the typos.
@Renee,you’re the winner!! I wanna learn from you.!


Renee September 7, 2016 at 12:10 pm


We are all here for you. Each time I read a new story my heart just weeps. Oh God, how I’ve been there; the tears, the guilt, the worthlessness. And when you allow yourself the gift to really clear the mud and look at the situation for how it truly is, you find the courage and strength.

Even if you have no ‘birth family’ left, make yourself your family. And this website is your family too.

By far, I’m not perfect. I just did work and found my way with the help of my husband, my children, and my friends. They ALL saw it and yet I continued to make excuses for my nm’s behavior and my enabling dad.

I just learned that my nm is now in a home. I can only imagine the bitterness and hatred she has for me and my family ~ thinking that she has been abandoned. Well, she made her world. She is responsible for her words, ‘you are dead to me for my survival’. I’m past the anger and pain (for the most part ~ except what she has done to our children) and I really feel very sorry for her. She will die a lonely, long death when she could have chosen to have those that loved her around her. She’s going to have a very long laundry list when she passes!!

Reach out to me and I’ll do my best to help. It’s a long road and from what I’ve seen, most survivors begin to awaken in their late 40s, early 50s. Just seems to be the process ~ perhaps a maturity thing. Doesn’t mean that younger survivors can’t achieve it ……….. it’s just a process.

The very best to you!


Anonymous September 28, 2016 at 5:12 am

hi Renee and fellow survivors,

I just turned 30 but I feel like am 90! Sometimes it feels like too little too late but hey,better late than never.
It is inconceivable to me that the entire world isn’t taught about this.
All the gajillions of children suffering from this intolerable disease!
And for it to go unchecked for decades,sometimes lifetimes,… simply baffles me!! .
This sad story should be told in all the forums, should have a column in every single newspaper in every corner of the world!All over social media!!and whatever else you can think of!
The expression ‘serious as a heart attack’ is a gross misrepresentation of this situation.
Massive awareness should already be underway,by every single donor,priority number one;perhaps more even than AIDS, cancer,world hunger,etc.
Am still recovering and probably will be in this ICU state for quite some time.
And the thought of those who haven’t even started the journey,much less discovered the disease and began therapy…. just makes me sooo profoundly saaad!!!,
I want to jump onto Mt. Everest and scream it on top of my lungs!
God help us!! God save us indeed.

PS. Does anyone here follow Eckhardt Tolle’s teachings?
It is my biggest catalyst to healing. Nuf said.

Be blessed all


Gloria September 28, 2016 at 5:18 am

hi Renee
Can I get your email please.?
Its really urgent.
Please get back to me.


Sasha August 17, 2016 at 5:36 am

My Narcissistic mother is now trying to gain access to my adult daughter by sending her cards to tell her how much she “loves her”. My daughter cannot see what shes doing. My NM doesn’t love anybody she is totally incapable. I also have an enabling Father which makes it 100% worse. Her goal is get my daughter in her clutches and unleash a torrent of abuse about me. Tired of it


Caroline August 20, 2016 at 1:14 pm

My, very sick, cruel, evil, N.P.D.MOTHER, crossed the line, ‘officially’, (ha), and now Criminallly insane, big time. NOT KNOWING FULL EXTENT OF HER SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS, I ALWAYS SAW MEAN DRUNK, RAGE,AT ME.. NOT UNTIL MY THERAPIST PINPoint her diagnosis, N.P.D., B.P.D., and of course,mmiserable drunk. I a m swf, oldest of the 4adult children she had, with my dad, who died accicentally, some yrs. Ago. This sicko gaslite me, to moveeast, etc..

Being so shocked,, I fell for het again..long divorced,she nevergot over. Over this past yr., thissitch has threatened, andfollowed thru, for5x incarceration at me. I have no record. Out to defame, slander, destroy me. ‘ViolTionof prevention of abuse order’,I have never touchedthis person. All fabricated bs to cops, in new Geo, where no-one knew her, hence no-one to help me, despite all my efforts. In any event, thank you all for your support. Mo. Had me arrested, 4th x, and moved again! She also stole every item to my name, including my pup Mimi. Refuses to tell me her address. ‘ I’ve done alllllll I can for you!””””””. Then after release from mental hospital, she throws me, like trash, to the sts. Of Hyannis? Again..of course.
Wish me luck, andGod speed. I pray you will all realize, how sick,evil, and mentally deranged these toxic, scapegoating, stalkers are. NO CONTACT is effective, and great way to reclaim our lives, our power, and the beautiful mind, and spirit, now have all the safety, odat, we need, to heal from these ongoing, relentless, all-consuming nightmares, we have survived..Best to us all! Xo


Shelynne August 21, 2016 at 11:47 am

Last week, at age 49, after years of “trying harder” and analyzing what’s wrong with me…I FINALLY understand that BOTH my parents are narcissists. And I was the entire family’s scapegoat.
I felt nauseous last week, when it hit me. Now, it’s more of a relief. I don’t “have” to take it, I don’t have to take all the blame and ridicule. I don’t have to hate myself. I do feel a tremendous weight off my shoulders, but now am not sure what I am! But I know I will find out, and will be marching forward. Now I understand why I love “escape from prison” movies, and feel sick about slavery, and so angry about cults…..I experienced all three within my own childhood! All my life, I knew something was wrong in my family. I remember being 6 years old and thinking to myself, “if only my dad had some medicine, he would be better.”
My NM is the more difficult, as she has been throwing my dad under the bus for our whole
Lives…blaming him for everything, because he really was horribly controlling. Yet, she allowed it. Like it couldn’t be helped. Also her behaviors are more covert and hidden. Very passive aggressive, perfectionistic, yet on the outside, she is this fun, helpful, cheery woman! The trick is she uses me to judge harshly and criticize, because she cannot take blame. It is never her fault, and if that is pointed out, her world crumbles, and I pay the price. (This goes for my sister and my dad. I’ve absorbed all of their faults and wrongdoings). She cannot handle the truth. It’s all so sneaky and I really do look like the crazy one! But now, I do not care. I believe me. That is all that matters.
I’m sooo happy to have found this group. Finally, I can be validated. It feels


Anonymous August 22, 2016 at 3:56 pm

I am not sure if my mother is narcissistic or not. But I assume that she is.
I am 28 years old now and I’ve been not seeing her for over 6 months.
I’ve read others stories at here and some of them are definitely unique stories.
My English is not fluent so I cannot tell all my stories and also I don’t want to do that.
Bu if I try to sum it up I don’t have sibling. my father and mother divorced when I was 2 and my father was a self-lover so I’ve seen him maximum 10 times in my entirely life. and when I reached 6 she took me(I begged her for to take me). I was blamed when I was a kid because of her belly scars due to pregnancy. she was saying that she cannot live her life because of me. and these things are light subjects actually. Some things happened which I cannot explain which are very unforgivable so easily.
So I was thinking when I was a kid ‘hey my my mother is a very young woman so she is not wise woman at that time, she is not able to think in proper way right now but she will grow up in some day’.
Last year when she came into my house she made me feel like shit. I felt that I am still living her house under her rules. And I have no space. And the funny thing is she acted like that. She acted as she still my boss. I haven’t felt her love since I became an adult. I don’t know if she really loved me before. But when I realized that she is still acting like a teenager girl and seek for attention and admiration and every thing i,s about her. I said that’s it, enough! And stop to call her. And trying to cure myself since then.
Actually the worst thing is maybe I am also narcissistic. I am not sure about it but what I am sure is that I don’t feel anything towards her or anybody. It’s like my feelings are taken away. I love my cats though 🙂 And it’s real and warm thing which I feel from very deep.
But for people sometimes I fake it if I have to.
After 6 months she acted as a drama queen send me some pictures to show me how she still loves me . And I replied her whatsapp message in logical way. I offered her a proposal which is about to talk everything as two grown adult do and try to explain that I am an individual and not her extension. And she played me more drama, blamed me and bla bla thing. None of them hurt me or made me feel bad about them. I continued my life whenever I turned off my screen actually. Because I don’t want to deal with some non-sense anymore. But if she needs me again I can go ASAP and take care of her and then when she is ok I move on(without faking, and saying all the things if necessary). But she is not alone anymore, she doesn’t need me, and I also don’t want to be needed.
The interesting thing is I forget people even if she is my mother.
I don’t want to label myself. But I try to not faking any more, If I don’t feel anything I don’t/won’t show anything like a robot 🙂
That’s why I don’t want to have a child. Because I don’t want to ruin someone else’ life.
By the way I am not depressive person at all.


Tom Hardys wife September 16, 2016 at 6:41 pm

I am in the same boat as you anonymous! Is it horrible that I’m glad I’m not the only one? I love my cats too!


Faith September 2, 2016 at 5:51 pm

I was always cognizant of the bind in which I was placed. Aware of my many limitations, and my daughter in her care, I was never able to fully trust, or perhaps, as she (now) thinks, to love. But those are the issues that brought this “empty shell ” of a human being to her. Nonetheless she had my heart, feeble, limited, and walled off as it was. But She did bring hope to my family and to my life.

But I was so discouraged, in the end, to be dismissed and discarded — knowing that I had become such a burden. That look–it was more disheartened than fatigue. Especially when she said and continues to believe my work (and goodness) a pretense, a complete fabrication, a projected self for her benefit. wow. It was all too much. I knew what a burden I’d become and what little faith she had in me.
….Vanities of Vanities. All is vanity. …


Renee September 7, 2016 at 12:18 pm


Looking back, story after story reveals the same characteristics. This hopefully will assure you that your survival is up to you and that you did not choose this to happen to you. You have an nm and it is NOT your fault.

We have been told we are crazy, making up stories, overly sensitive, etc. Actually, we are probably some of the most compassionate souls that walk the earth because we’ve walking on the burning stones of hell for decades. Those of you that talk about ‘having to live it to know it’ have nailed it. Yes, we do sound crazy when we tell our stories and that is only because it is bat crap crazy what we have survived.

Empower yourself to wrap yourself in the love you have always deserved. You are lovable, smart, witty, empathetic, humorous ………… if you weren’t, you probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

We are entering the holidays that most symbolize family traditions and gatherings and these can be some of the most painful times for survivors. Might I suggest pondering how you WILL take action to make your holidays lovely for yourself. We all deserve it.

Healing, balance, and peace to all


Joey'K September 13, 2016 at 10:19 am

Thou i wept while readin tru all these comments cuz it was as if flashin back tru all of wat i’ve been tru n i do feel this world again knowin i wasn alone after all..i totally heartfelt n unstand of how u all felt.. i feel really sorry too for all whom havin to walk in the same hell as i do..n u guys were great as some still manage to encourage n comfort others despite of how horrible situation of self were in now..u were all very strong..i hope i too can b tat strong n positive someday very soon..sorry i wasn good in words so i might b just readin n not sharin..was here cuz i just thought u all deserve a very big thank u for realizin me that i wasn alone in this mental torturin sickness..hope non mind for this..sorry n thanks for all.


Clarissa September 17, 2016 at 6:57 pm

I truly think this is me, as I’ve always known that my relationship with my mother was wrong. And funnily enough I have always called myself the SCAPEGOAT and my brother the blond haired blue eyed GOLDEN boy, and yes relations between my sibling and I were fraught for many years. I have a better relationship with him now, but we will never be close. Sometimes I tell him he is a blond haired GOLDEN child now, and he just laughs. It annoys me. He can do little wrong, yet I’m a loser. In my 30s now and I would love to break free of her, yet I find myself living with her. I never leave the house now without telling her first. I have few friends, and she has all my friends telephone numbers. She takes what little money I have, yet turns the electricity off on me frequently. It’s tough, and yet I am totally dependant on her, desperate to leave, and completely doubt my chances of managing on my own. I have children, and she’s doing it to them too.


Renee September 29, 2016 at 3:06 pm

Hello All~

From time to time I like to take Michele’s evaluation. What I like is that my scorings have significantly changed from the high “RED” range to a score below ’10’, 2 subjects that are yellow (indicating possible problem), and the rest a safe GREEN!!

I like that Michele offers two options; “your mother was either not a narcissist or you have recovered extremely well from original trauma”. Recovery is possible ~ it’s just very hard work.

Everyone, keep doing your work and continue to reassess your progress by taking Michele’s evaluations ~ it’s a great mirroring tool.

Healing, Balance, and Peace to All


Dan October 2, 2016 at 2:56 pm

Have been reading some of the stories about Narcissistic mothers . How does one deal with the N mother ? No contact ? or some other method ? Have a mother in law who is a Narcissistic mother and pits one person against the other and one is a golden person and the other is a scapegoat etc. Saw this long ago and told one of the people the N mother was playing one person against the other and they would go through this cycle over and over again . so how do you stop the cycle ? And the N mother has gone through bankruptcy 3 times and asks for money to get out of debt and does the N mother on the adult siblings, pits one against the other . And has gone into the hospital for mental illness and come out and started all over again .


Sarah October 3, 2016 at 1:50 am

This has been incredibly helpful! I have felt wretched for most of my life and have recently found info about narcissistic mother’s and C-PTSD (which I believe I have, but not yet diagnosed). I have suffered so much, and this information has validated me. I don’t doubt myself so much now. Thank you xx


Renee October 11, 2016 at 2:11 pm


I contacted Michelle several weeks ago how we can communicate privately but I haven’t received any information back. I don’t think it is safe to put our contact information on this site (no offense to anyone!!). I’ll reach out to her again. I don’t want you to think that I’ve ignored your request, we just have to be safe! Hopefully we’ll get in touch soon. Take care of you!


Renee October 18, 2016 at 2:54 pm


It is best and safest for both you and I to continue to communicate via this method. And it gives us an opportunity to take this community along with us – sharing is such an empowering gift and a proponent to healing.

Please feel free to ask me anything. I’ve been there and I would like to help you in your journey for healing, peace and balance.


Sandra October 14, 2016 at 9:17 am

I have just walked away from my mother 4 weeks ago after 50 years of it, I was doing my daughterly bit going round there onc a week to put up with her constant digs and comments and comparison to her friends daughters when she asked me to take some stuff to the charity shop for her, I didn’t take it straight there I brought it home to see if any of the bedding was good enough for my son, on going through it I found a wedding album of my special day that I put together for her on my second marriage 3 years ago after escaping a miserable one. I wasn’t even upset, I laughed to myself, I was calm but that was it, I didn’t turn up the following week or the three after and I’ve heard nothing from her which I expected because she dishes out the silent treatment when I’ve been a naughty girl and I’ve been really naughty this time, I had the silent treatment for a year when I divorced my ex husband and she took his side and she broke me, she did me a favour really because once you’ve broken someone you can’t break them twice, I’m just empty now, but I’ve got that little girl fear inside, that I’ve really gone and done it now she’s going o be really angry with me, has anybody got through this fear of what happens next?


Peet October 15, 2016 at 10:26 am

Hai Sandra. Now in the front of starting your own live you feel fearful and scared. There is nothing wrong with you. No matter at what age you do so you are starting wich not everybody is able to. Escpacialy after such a termoil you went through. It may feel like a protective cloack you’re missing. But it’s just you enetering you’re world. You don’t need protection anymore. Yes you did all those years walking not in your world..!! But walking your mothers of your exes but not yours. There and then you needed protection. Now you just go =) be curious and litle tens ofcourse. Breath and go..!! Enjoy. Even if your mother gets back at you.. your not in her world anymore. And you decide if you allow her ‘back’ in yours and under what terms and for what duration. Preferebly short and with some one around you trust. Thanks and goodluck. Love P


Renee October 18, 2016 at 2:50 pm


Sometimes the greatest gift a nm can give the suffering child is the gift of freedom, cutting themselves away. The nm sees it as punishment but in reality, this is your chance to run and not look back.

Even a caged animal may run in circles when it is exposed to freedom. Eventually, it gets the idea to move to a safe area and reassess it’s new situation. Not that we are animals but sometimes breaking it down to a simple form is helpful.

I think your real challenge will be when she initiates contact with you and that is where you will have to draw your line in the stand – DRAW IT DEEP AND TRUE. Behaviors get worse before they get ‘better’ so your nm will most likely pitch a holy hell fit. Breath, listen, let it roll off your back like water on a duck, and firmly indicate, ‘NO’. I think it best to not argue, not to reason, not to negotiate, not to engage, ‘NO’. It feels foreign at first but this is your first step in taking your power back.

Congrats, this is the first important step in your new life and you deserve it. Good luck


anonymous October 15, 2016 at 9:09 am

I have a NM mother and my father goes right along with her. If I don’t do what they want, I get the silent treatment. They have gone years without talking to me, then speak to me for a little while. But as soon as I do something they don’t approve of, it starts all over again. They want to know everything I am doing all of the time. I am 45 years old, raising a child on my own, with a fulfilling career. I have a sister who is, and always has been their golden child. I have great friends that I can always count on, but part of me feels bad that I no longer have a family. I am all alone, and sometimes the sadness of that realization takes over. Orphaned with living parents is an unfortunate existence.


Sally October 18, 2016 at 4:19 pm

Here’s a perfect narcissistic mother quote, courtesy of my own: “I just felt like I couldn’t be a woman and a mother at the same time.” (Mentioned to me during casual conversation) Yes, I am the cause of the loss of her womanhood – and quite frankly – no big loss anyway – there wasn’t much to begin with!


Sandy Hockman October 31, 2016 at 9:55 pm

I just wanted to publically thank you for the work you put into this website. When trying to research my fiance’s behavior and his relationship with his mother – living practically as an indentured servant when I met him at 44, neither of us had a clue this was an actual REAL ISSUE. He has some obstacles to overcome, but we are to be married next month and I know that thanks to you, he will recover from the abuse he suffered and I will love him so much that we will hopefully live happily ever after 🙂


kay November 13, 2016 at 10:53 am

I cry as i read my own experience play out in your words. I feel shocked it took me 37 years to finally put a name t it and not believe her when she says i am crazy. i am alone. my dog is my only friend. i choose wrong men to simply get time away from her. she laughs when i cry. i always called myself the scapeoat and nw see i was right. i must live with her and pla role of husband whilst dreaming of death. at least now i realize i will not change her or she wil ever love me as i ove her. thank you all


Anonymous November 13, 2016 at 12:31 pm

I’m not sure if my mother is an nm but it is looking to be that way. I believe I used to be golden ahold and my brother the scapegoat but now that we are older and are developing are own personality and thoughts these roles are dissolving. The simplest things will make my mother livid. My style varies but I do love dark/gothic clothes. I asked my mother very politely (as I know I should approach this carefully or she will lash out) if I could have a particular dress in this style for Christmas. She looked at it, sighed, then looked at me and rolled her eyes and said “I don’t know.”, very dismissively. She still had that look on her face so I asked her what was wrong. And she told me that she doesn’t understand, “Why I like these things and can’t just be normal like everyone else.” I have a very clear memory of being 4 years old and my mother putting my hair in a ponytail for my dance recital. She was pulling very hard and I started crying. She kept telling me to stop and I kept crying. She eventually got frustrated and threw the bottle of hairspray across the bathroom. When she retrieved it the nozzle had broken and wouldn’t spray anymore. She promptly shoved it in my face and said “You see that ? Its broken and I can’t use it anymore. You made me mad and I had to throw it, it’s your fault.” I told her that it wasn’t my fault, she’s the one who threw the bottle. She denied it and kept saying over and over, getting angler and angrier that it was my fault. Now I am in highschool and my house is constantly full of screams from my mother at my younger brother for not doing something the way she wanted him to or “acting dumb” I stay in my room most of the time to escape her wrath and to stay out of her way. When I do something she wants she is in a good mood and is pleasant, gives compliments and we might even go for ice cream. But when something is done that she doesn’t like for example leaving later than expected to go the mall, she is angry, name calls, shrieks at the top of her lungs, and won’t stop until all of her anger is quenched. If i ever do anything small on a day we are out, an argument, I didn’t get ready when she wanted me to, she will let me know the whole way there how “You make everyone miserable when you say that.” Or “MOST mothers can spend time with their daughters but no, mine acts like a little brat!” or “You know they all think you’re a bitch, right?” I don’t know what to do. I only just turned 15, and realized my mom was different from everyone elses when I was in 6th grade on the first day of school, I hadn’t realized that my mother had pulled up to the pick up line and was waiting for me because I was talking to some girls that I had met that day who I had hoped would be friends with me. My mother furious, stomps out of the car high-pitch screaming all the way, grabs me by the wrist and drags me to the car, leaving my potential friends all in shock behind me. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even fathom the idea of going to school the next day. When ever the incident comes up she tells me that it was my fault that my friends had to see her like that because I hadn’t been paying attention and looking for her car. She constantly tells me what a dispiontment for a daughter I am and has said “I can’t imagine why anyone would want a spoiled little bitch like you for a daughter.” I’ve grown used to her talking to me like this, actually at the time I was calmly putting ramen noodles in the microwave while she seethed at me from the other side of the kitchen. I’m only 15, I can’t move out and the only way I know to cope with her is to just take was does and cry about it later. She is constantly mad at me for taking to her in a horrible tone, but she talkes the exact same way to be. The list could go on forever and honestly don’t know what to do.


Renee November 17, 2016 at 2:39 pm


I feel it is important to chat about the diligence of taking special care of yourselves during the holidays. I’ve found these to be a truly challenging time because of the ‘picturesque’ images we see of the ‘perfect’ family. Gathered around a table filled with lovely food, cloaked in happiness but deep in decades of sadness, guilt, confusion, fear, tears, and on and on. Some families are just this but mostly I’ve found this to be a momentary false illusion.

As I have, I encourage you to hold your ground, hold out for what you deserve, hold on to you when you don’t comply with unmanageable, silent or coarse verbal demands and receive the berating you know so well. Hold STRONG.

Is it easy? No! Can you do it? YES!!! What has really helped me is to practice, practice, practice saying aloud, ‘no, I will not’, or ‘no, you will not’, or whatever it is that you must state to keep the venom off you.

btw- as I was experiencing a severe life crisis (I am a stalking survivor), I was living with my parents to reassemble my life. I remember VIVIDLY coming back from a court hearing about the ongoing matters and I don’t recall what the discussion was but as my mother was putting the key into the front door of their brand new custom built home, she told me that if she had known how ungrateful children could be (which she meant me), she would have never had children. Months later her comment was brought up. She sternly indicated to me that I had dreamed the conversation. They are so sadly whacked in the head!!

The best to you all!!!!


Colleen McGinn November 21, 2016 at 4:39 pm

I married a man who escaped from and divorced a narcissist. They have 2 adult children, one male and one female. He was married to her for 32 years. He was a successful business man. He was berated, and emasculated until he broke. He received 18 shock treatments because he was diagnosed with anhedonia (unable to find joy in anything).
He then was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. After surgery, prostate removed, radiation. A side affect was erectile dysfunction. He started therapy and taking long walks. It was 5 years before he said a bad word about his wife. He learned about narcissism from his therapist and it changed his world. He got out, he realized that it wasn’t him, it was her. He loved his kids and asked their permission to leave, to find some happiness. Both encouraged him to leave, saying the mother was abusive, and he deserved to be happy. He left, found me and we have been happy ever since, no depression, no pills. The adult children are disrespectful, hurtful, arrogant. The daughter is engulfed by her narcissistic mother and is just like the mother. The son has insulted and disrespected me, thus disrespecting my husband. We are not accepting their bad behavior. His therapist has agreed with us that because they trigger, the anxiety, depression with manipulation, it is best to keep our distance. He will be therapy the rest of his life to overcome her voice in his head.


Renee November 23, 2016 at 1:52 pm


I have very unexpectedly been pulled into the toxic world of narcissism and it has me shaken to the core – literally.

After 2+ years of nc with my nm, my nm decided to send our oldest daughter a letter; the typical ‘I have money for you but you’ve disrespected me’, la la la. The letter just brought up fear, angst, anger, I felt like I was falling back into the chasm that I worked so hard to pull myself from. Very worried how our daughter would manage it, she promptly called ‘barb’ (instead of grandma) and told her firmly that she wants no contact, money, no excuses, etc. barb attempted to reel our daughter (F) in with ‘well, I’m older and have a better memory than you’. F countered, telling barb that she is not falling for her manipulative tricks, that barb is psychologically impaired, stuck up for me (as everything is my fault in my nm’s world), peppered it with explicatives – which we are not happy about – and hung up on barb. WOW!!! So much to learn from a 19 year old!

Ah, but it doesn’t stop there. The very next day our youngest daughter (P) received a note from barb with a check. Obviously there is manipulation; barb is pitting our daughters against each other. After counseling P with accepting accords, we respected her decision to keep the check.

My nm is willfully scapegoating F and making P the golden grandchild. It is disgusting and while I want to fight and protect our children, my husband reminded us all that this is what my nm does and does it right before the holidays. I forgot!! But I still want to fight her to demand my boundaries, protect our children, not let her push into our peace and he just wants me to ‘let it go’, not engage as to let barb know that she’s gotten under my skin. This is so incredibly hard!!!

The last 2 days have just been a rollercoaster of emotions, memories, anger, so much. As strong as I have been, I feel as though I’m crumbling and losing my footing.

My nm’s game is very weak but yet it gets me. And the fact that she is now repeating this pattern with our children is just unconscionable and ‘doing nothing’ just does not feel right for me. To my husband’s credit, he has watched this play out for 26 years and knows all too well.

Please weigh in. I know this will pass and I’m very taken aback that this has affected me so deeply.

The best to you all~~


Cathy November 24, 2016 at 7:03 am


This is how our nm’s know how to get attention. It is not our responsibility to fix them or make them happy. I have tried to help my nm for years and she refused. Coupled with a complacent father, I couldn’t do it any more. I have cut off contact, so she uses my adult children.

You are not alone. I fight the same feelings every holiday and birthdays. I get help from this site, a supportive family (husbands and adult children with spouses), good friends, bible studies, faith, and therapy.

So, keep fighting the fight! My thoughts and prayers are for you (and all of us) to find peace and know you are worthy!


Renee December 5, 2016 at 12:33 pm


Thanks so much for your support. I truly means so much.

Looking back, and ohhhhhhhhhhh how much wiser we are, yep, another wake-up call. The upside is that recovery was pretty darn quick and the holiday turned out lovely. Chalk up another one under my belt!!


Dave November 24, 2016 at 3:38 pm

My wife is a NM, I have spent time with our only son teaching him about his self worth and to continually tell him that Mom has issues that she cannot address. I cannot leave the relationship until he leaves for University, which she has demanded is away from home and he is only to happy to do. She can be kind one minute and then a raving lunatic the next to ensure that she gets what she wants. Attended marriage counselling and it was pointless as everything I did was wrong and here are the things that she needed in the relationship. With social media my son filmed her kicking at a locked bathroom door that he was behind due to her constant yelling and screaming at him. At least he has evidence and his friends realized that he has a savage mom. Sad but true that they do not see any issues with their own behaviour only bad behaviour with those they work with, family members, in-laws etc.


Vicky Totino December 1, 2016 at 5:52 am

Hi Dave
It is true that they see themselves as perfection. After sorting out my life one event at a time and always giving the benefit of the doubt, I learned that it is not your flaws she sees. I’ll bet if you thought it through you would realize that her criticism and accusations stem from the guilt she holds for being the questionable character, not you. I tried so hard to find what behavior I was expressing that would give her cause to label me as a “slut, gold digger, con artist and manipulator that drains anything and everything from the unsuspecting victims and then throwing the out like old socks”. I absorbed all of that from her and always analyzed my own behavior and found myself in a constant state of confusion and on the defense. Somehow, no matter what I did I couldn’t present myself as the person really am instead of the one she led me to think I was. I finally found my way by putting 750 miles between me and from her influence. It took 20 years to love myself and develop into a productive and positive individual. She has stopped sending cards, thank God. I got to the point that I wouldn’t open them without a good friend at my side because the hurtful messages always left me in tears.
I can’t say I’m over it, I probably never will be. I am, however, completely responsible for my own flaws and personal growth. One thing I can’t seem to do. I can’t find it in my heart to forgive her. I have been told that I am amazingly tolerant and patient, some have said to the point of sainthood (I’ll give her credit for that). I think it’s because in her case, it requires some level of vulnerability that I’m not willing to offer her (for obvious reasons). I’ve worked too hard to develop and maintain a strong front towards her, despite knowing it’s the healthiest thing I could do for myself. We haven’t spoken in 20 years now so its not like she would witness my vulnerability, I just don’t know how to pick and choose when to be strong where she is concerned.


Vicky Totino December 1, 2016 at 5:40 am

Hi Dave.
It is true that they see themselves as perfection. After sorting out my life one event at a time and always giving the benefit of the doubt, I learned that it is not your flaws she sees. I’ll bet if you thought it through you would realize that her criticism and accusations stem from the guilt she holds for being the questionable character, not you. I tried so hard to find what behavior I was expressing that would give her cause to label me as a “slut, golddigger, con artist and manipulator that drains anything and everything from the unsuspecting victims and then throwing the out like old socks”. I absorbed all of that from her and always analized my own behavior and found myself in a constant state of confusion and on the defense. Somehow, no matter what I did I couldn’t present myself as the person really am instead of the one she led me to think I was. I finally found my way by putting 750 miles between me and from her influence. It took 20 years to love myself and develop into a productive and positive individual.
I can’t say I’m over it, I probably never will be. I am, however, completely responsible for my own flaws and personal growth. One thing I can’t seem to do. I can’t find it in my heart to forgive her. I have been told that I am amazingly tolerent and patient, some have said to the point of sainthood (I’ll give her credit for that). I think it’s because in her case, it requires some level of vulnerability that I’m not willing to offer her (for obvious reasons). I’ve worked too hard to develop and maintain a strong front towards her, despite knowing it’s the healthiest thing I could do for myself. We haven’t spoken in 20 years now so its not like she would witness my vulerability, I just don’t know how to pick and choose when to be strong where she is concerned. If you or anyone that reads this could offer some advice it would be deeply appreciated.
Thanks to all on this blog.


Florence December 5, 2016 at 2:02 am

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since I last spoke to my NM. I caught her lying and dismissed her selfish excuses. Finally I cracked and hung up the phone. At the moment no contact is good. But Christmas is coming up and I truly Fred receiving a card through the post. I really hope she doesn’t send anything this year. I hope she keeps Christmas just between her and and my sister – her chosen one.

Upon hearing the truth behind her latest lies and realising the patterns of selfish comments and emotional blackmail I knew I couldn’t keep the relationship going. I have done all I can. She hasn’t put any effort in and I can guarantee that if I don’t make the first move she most definitely won’t either. But when I visit my home town I will be bombarded by friendly acquaintances and their well meaning enquiries – Go and visit your mum or why haven’t you visited your mum lately.

It’s hard to move on from the fact that she lied as to how ill my nan was, and that nm made no effort to be by her side – she even went back to work! The final straw came when she lied about nans funeral too.

All this on top of her trying to convince me of things that she said or didn’t say (luckily I had a witness) and try to convince me that I was out to get her. No, i wasn’t. I was just trying to clarify what you said.

Upon finding out that I visited nan a couple or years ago without her knowing she promptly called my sister. My sister then text me to say how despicable I was for not picking mum up. Apparently she had been waiting at the door with frozen lasagne to take to nans. Immediately I called mum to ask her what on earth was going on. She immediately denied saying anything to my sister and tried to convince me that I had confirmed that I was picking her up. Thing is, nan live 3 hours away. If my mum was that concerned about visiting – surely she would have called to ask what time I was picking her up?? Crazy.

That and many other lies and selfish excuses mean that communicating had been extremely difficult.

Reading blogs such as this and your comments here have really helped. I have found that it also helps to write an ‘open letter ‘ to your N that will never be sent.


Sue December 7, 2016 at 1:05 pm

I finally understand and get it. I kept feeling that I was doing wrong and now realised how my mother played my sister and I off against each other to each other we were the scapegoats but deep down I know my sister was the golden child as I was nothing but a slave to her whilst growing up. When I was getting married I was criticised for wanting a wedding overseas and was called selfish it had to be what she wanted. she has lied to family and friends about me but family don’t know her true colours if only they knew her real character. I keep my distance from these family members that believe her lies but eventually the truth will catch up. It breaks my heart that my sister and I aren’t close anymore but because the mother has manipulated her and she hasn’t bothered to see her niece despite asking her many times. the list is endless but I know by keeping my mother far away daughter is the best way to protect her.


Michelle December 7, 2016 at 2:42 pm

It took me almost 21 years to fully realize that my mother is emotionally abusive. Up until I met my first boyfriend, I prided myself on being a “good daughter.” I didn’t party, I didn’t talk to boys. If she didn’t like my friends, I wouldn’t like my friends either. I thought that by folding and shrinking myself to please her, I was being a good daughter. I met my first boyfriend at the beginning of my junior year of college. My father caught me facetiming him over winter break and told my mother. I had to come clean to her. I was not expecting a super positive reaction. My parents are foreigners, and are very strict. But I was not expecting the year of abuse that I experienced as a result. My boyfriend is an upstanding young man, academically excellent, bright future, kind, loving, attentive, reasonable. I haven’t had one serious fight with him in our year together. My mother hates that he is Black (yet, my father is a Black African man). She hates that his parents are not rich. She tells me that I’ll end up living in the ghetto, that I’ll get a disease, and no man will ever marry me afterwards. She insists that I won’t end up with him because she won’t let me. She says I have to apply to whatever medical schools she tells me to. She tells me constantly to “close my legs” and keep my options open. I am 21 years old. When I tell her that her words hurt my feelings and distract me from focusing at school, she calls me ungrateful for not taking her advice. She will rage at me, and say she is only advising me for my own good, and will never call me again. You can’t tell her anything. My father is completely useless. When I ask him to intervene on my behalf, he says that I should be more like my mother because she doesn’t let anyone take advantage of her. They have a horrible relationship, so anytime that the spotlight is off him, he encourages her to rip me apart. I am graduating college and planning to apply to medical school in two years, but my future somehow feels bleak. I cannot plan to do what I want because my mother thinks my only mission in life is to be with my boyfriend. She makes the most money in the family and has my father, me, and my sister in her pocket. She pays for everything and threatens to cease financial support when she is challenged. It is hard to admit to myself that I have terrible parents because they’ve sacrificed a lot for me to go to a good school. Yet, the emotional relationship is completely absent. They are not loving in a traditional sense. They provide material things, but not the proper encouragement or love that I feel a child should have. Any attempt to separate myself from them or establish myself as an individual is either laughed at or seen as a threat to them (especially my mother). My father says I never should have told them about my boyfriend, and I agree. I regret letting them into that part of my life. It feels good to get this all out. All I talk to about this are my sister and my boyfriend, and sometimes I feel that they are also overwhelmed by all of this.


Valise December 8, 2016 at 12:56 pm

From the descriptions given, I feel that my adoptive mother was a narcissistic mother.

My sister and I were adopted together into our home. We were originally abandoned at the age of one and newborn. Were in and out of different homes until we were toddlers, then adopted around the ages of five and six, from what I recall.

According to our adoptive NP (narcissistic parents), we were chosen, special, etc. But I clearly recall how our NP’s would introduce their own sons as their boys and give them their names and my sister and I were always “These are our adopted daughters”. Given they are white and we are Asian mixed, there was no need to announce we were adopted other than people would always charm them with how good of people they were for taking those “poor girls in”.

As we grew older, we noticed that we preferred to visit our grandparents and used to formulate ways to run away from our home. The grandparents were our adopted grandparents on our mother’s side. They never treated us differently than our brothers. It was only our parents who did this. This would be the beginning of our seeing things weren’t right at home because our brothers did not have to constantly be home to take care of other foster babies, clean house, etc. Any challenge to our mother and we were ignored for days, sometimes weeks.

The abuse got worse as we would get hit with wooden spoons, Hotwheel tracks, hair brushes and then rewards to pit my sister and I against each other. We were also molested by our oldest adopted brother and their younger one who would punch me and even call me Chinese Checker Board. Telling our parents wasn’t a good thing as we would always be rebuffed.

Moving forward, I’m seeing how our childhood has put a strain on the relationship I have with my sister. And recently an event took place that is quite concerning.

We all went to Disneyland for the day. It was my sister and her son and his girlfriend, my niece, her husband and their two kids, me, my daughter and her daughter (my granddaughter). In addition, my nephew’s girlfriends family also joined us. On one particular ride the idea came up to get a family pic since there are cameras on the ride to do so. Because the ride holds groups of people, that means the larger group would have to be broken into smaller groups. Most of our “blood family” was together except my daughter. Instead, my nephew’s girlfriend sat with them. And the girlfriend’s family sat with my daughter. Two families were missing one person because they were switched, or that is how my daughter and I saw it. My daughter didn’t want to say anything but she was rather confused by the process and I didn’t blame her. I sat on it for a day or so and thought about it.

I decided to write my sister about this because we are planning another trip to Disney in January. I didn’t want the same thing to come up and I’ve held my tongue with other things in the past but this time I wanted roles defined, etc. What was family to them? Is it blood or is it whomever?

Some of the responses told me that there’s competitiveness there because things were brought up that my daughter and I couldn’t care less about. Things such as my daughter and I are jealous. My sister does buy a lot more items when we are at Disney. That is her choice. Our choices are, my daughter buys things for her daughter on occasion. I’m a Disney nut but I don’t collect Disney stuff. I’m more of the historian type when it comes to Disney.

Seeing how my sister got so defensive for my bringing up how my daughter felt was rather shocking. I was thinking she would be open to what I had to say and see that two families were slighted over this and that I simply would prefer clarification on what family actually is to them. What I thought would be a civil reply was loaded with insults, name calling, how her helping pay for my daughter’s pass to the park should mean she is family, etc.

What I am seeing is childhood issues coming back into my life. My sister has adopted some of the things we went through, things she hates herself but does it anyway. Avoid and deflect than deal with what is really there for the other person. The ignore game than deal with an issue, come to a compromise, and move forward. Our mother ignored us when something happened that displeased her with us. My sister does the same.

I’m not so sure narcissism is inherited. It looks like it is learned. The thing is, you can’t cure it. All you can do is limit your exposure to it. It has take years to get our relationship to a point where it is tolerable for each of us. But, the competitive cattiness always comes back. Now it is in my niece and I hate to see her go that route. I only know this because my sister also mentioned my niece talking about “jealousy of objects”. What they don’t get is my daughter and I are not jealous of them buying things that we personally are not into anyway. The issue isn’t jealousy. The issue is my sister and I being pitted against each other and now those ghosts live in our barely manageable relationship.


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