Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers cause pain, but there’s much you can do to reclaim your life and thrive despite having one.

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I’m often asked, “What can you do when you have a narcissistic mother?”

It is a poignant question because we’re all an extension of our mother in some way or another. You, for instance, may have similar physical features or personality characteristics that make people realize you are a product of your mom.

But, how do you protect yourself when your narcissistic mother, the very woman who gave you life or raised you, demands you provide her with the unconditional, one-way love that she feels entitled to…no matter how she treats you?

When this is the case, your narcissistic mother may see you as something that she created with the hope to have a copy of herself for her own amusement. Or, she may see you as an object, like a piece of luggage that should serve her when she needs it and be out of the away when she does not.

If so, you may have been treated with such disrespect and abuse that makes it difficult for you to develop any sort of real relationship with your mother, let alone feel the love towards your mom that she expects you to give. To the outside world, everything may have appeared perfect, but behind closed doors? That’s where the horror was released.

Many a narcissistic mother is aware of her demanding ways and believes everyone should treat her in the fantastical way that she sees herself. She may live in their own little world where her accomplishments, real or fake, are of grand proportions that no one else can live up to.

To this day, her expectations of you may be ever-changing and not truly attainable.  If you have a narcissistic mother, you may feel you are never good enough, or that you must compete with your siblings for her approval or affection. And, no matter how much you achieve or strive to accommodate her, you will not measure up to her unrealistic expectations.

Why do narcissistic moms have children?

When a narcissist has a child, it is not for the same reason that others procreate. She does so because she wants that child to satisfy her unmet needs.

These can vary from the need to feel like she will always be loved by you, or the hope she’ll be more bonded to her husband by providing a child, or the belief she’ll never be alone, or to have the illusion of another chance at life and so on.

Some narcissistic mothers essentially want a real-life extension of themselves, only to be deeply upset about the fact that they did not receive that “mini-me” from you. If, due to being a child, you could not meet her needs, your mother may have withdrawn from you or have become demeaning, critical, and manipulative. In short, it wasn’t acceptable for you to be a child because a child is, by its very nature, needy and “perfectly imperfect.”

The narcissistic mother’s love is typically volatile and conditional.   Below are three common roles in which the sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers often find themselves cast.


The roles can be projected by the narcissist onto one sibling then the next and the roles can last for moments or years.  Even more confusing, you may have been cast in different roles at different time in your childhood.  Read below to try to recall what roles you played and when you were cast.

Lost Child

This role involves a great deal of neglect.  Your narcissistic mother was simply not aware of, or interested in, your needs.  You could be sent to school with clothing too big or small, dirty, or unmatched.

You may have been teased by other kids because you did not have enough positive attention paid to you at home to know what was socially acceptable behavior. You often felt unlovable or unworthy because you were not treated as inherently valuable.

Scapegoated Child

Nothing you did was ever good enough. What may have satisfied your narcissistic mother one day could disappoint her the next.

If you expressed you felt your mother treated you unfairly, she might have led you to believe that you were crazy and ungrateful.  The “love” and “thoughtfulness” she gave you through her constant criticism was to be treasured.

If you did something of value and worth, you may have been cut down and made to believe that your accomplishments had no meaning in your narcissistic mother’s eyes.   Or, you could have been elevated and bragged about to the point of objectification.  (See Chosen, Hero or Golden child below.)

Chosen, Hero or Golden Child

To be the Chosen, Hero or Golden child of a narcissistic mother is usually the complete opposite of the scapegoat child. You are worshipped and idolized by your mother from the moment you are born.

You are the one person in her life that can do nothing wrong and every accomplishment, no matter how small, deserves a parade in her eyes. You’re a representation of the best of her, the golden child.

You may become even more important than her spouse in a sometimes provocative and psychologically seductive way.

Lost Child, Scapegoat & Chosen, Hero or Golden Child in a Narcissistic Family System:

Many times, there’s a golden child and a scapegoat in the narcissistic family. The golden child is a “favorite” of the mother’s choosing. Then there’s the scapegoat, the one who gets the blame for everything, the one who can never be as good as the mother or the golden child.

The scapegoat never measures up in the mother’s eyes. She can win awards, get good grades, get into a great school, but it goes unnoticed or unacknowledged.

If it’s noted, it’s usually done so in a way that makes the mother look good, saying that everything the child has learned is because of the mother’s parenting efforts.

The Lost Child will sometimes be relieved to hide from the narcissistic mother and at other times be pulled into more attention getting roles.

Why Don’t Narcissistic Mothers Change?

Narcissistic moms blame everyone else, and too often their children, for the consequences their own self absorbed choices have caused. It often falls to friends and family members to point out the extreme oddity of the narcissistic mother’s ways and recommend treatment. Even when offered help, a narcissist is more likely to be offended than to seek treatment.

Ironically, though the people around the narcissistic mother can identify the source of their suffering, the narcissist does not believe she is the one who should change.

Therefore, it is unlikely your mother sought treatment for narcissism.  In contrast, she may have put you in treatment with the hope that you would become easier to deal with.

Children and spouses are the ones who often suffer most, not the narcissist themselves, because the narcissist doesn’t feel that their chronically self-absorbed behavior is just that. Quite the opposite, actually. The narcissistic mother feels that everyone else is at fault when things go wrong.

As a child, you had to learn from very early on how to please your mother enough to survive. You may have grown up to think that nothing you ever do is good enough and that you are not worthy of the love you desire.

Narcissism, at its extreme, is a mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD), characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, fantasies of success, power, and physical attractiveness that the person may or may not possess, a constant need for attention and admiration, and obsessive self-interest. These are the obvious symptoms that people think of when they think of the term “narcissism.”

There are a cluster of personality disorders, including NPD, that are on the narcissistic spectrum described by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and they include Borderline Personality Disorder as well as Histrionic Personality Disorder.

These disorders describe different chronic behavioral patterns often exhibited by a narcissistic mother who may not even be aware of how she is treating you.

In sum, the first step in dealing with a narcissist is to identify the repetitive hurtful behaviors rooted in how you were cast in the roles identified above.  Accept that your narcissistic mother is highly resistant to change.  Then, learn how to best respond to her negative behaviors in order to protect your happiness.

Why Narcissists Have Children

Why do narcissists even have kids in the first place?

I’m going to cut straight to the chase on this one. Narcissists do not have children for the same reason that emotionally healthy people do.

They have them because they need more mirrors, more images to remind themselves of how great they are and how they brought someone into the world that is like them.

Unfortunately for the narcissistic parent, this isn’t the case 99.9% of the time because as children age, they develop their own sense of self and their own personality apart from their parents. Then they become more of a burden than a blessing on their narcissistic parent.

Some narcissists become parents out of accident or because of an ill-thought out plan they created to have someone there to love and admire them without having to give it back in return.

They’re looking for the narcissistic supply which they try to obtain from anyone and everyone. They believe that having a child will give them an endless supply because their child must love them and has to be a part of their lives, while they’re young at least.

Narcissists see their kids as someone they can put their name on, a product that they can put out into the world with their branding all over it. They use their children to gain self-esteem and as someone they can easily walk all over. They want their children to take care of them and reverse the roles of how parent-child interactions should be.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in every facet of their lives.

They try to keep their children from growing up and gaining their own identity, fearing it will lead their children to leave them and go on to live their own lives.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in four different ways:

  1. Guilt-driven: They make their children feel guilty and making them feel like a burden on the narcissistic parent. They say things like, “I sacrificed my life, my body, for you…”
  2. Dependence-driven: The narcissistic parent makes their child feel that they could not go on living without their child in their life. They tell their kids that they need them and that they cannot take care of themselves, their lives, and their well-being by themselves.
  3. Goal-driven: I like to call this the Tiger Mom Effect. This means that the narcissistic parent, not necessarily the mother (although it usually is), is always striving or making their child strive to be the best no matter what and no matter if the child is truly interested in the goal or not. They live vicariously through their child and ride on the coattails of their achievements. They may say things like, “We have a goal we need to achieve…”
  4. Explicit: This type of control is based on negative repercussions if their child does not do what they want or say. They withhold rewards and give excessive punishment if they do not get their way. This can be very draining on the child because they feel that they can never do anything right.

 

Most narcissistic mothers see motherhood as a burden and like to let it be known how much work it is. They do not take into account that children are not merely mirrors of themselves and that they are actual human beings with wants, needs, and feelings different than their own.

They often pick a favorite, or a golden child, who can do no wrong and grows up with unrealistic expectations of praise and worth. They also have children that are the scapegoats, the ones who all the blame is put on and are never worthy enough no matter how great their achievements may be.

They play the children off of each other for their own amusement, which causes riffs between the siblings that may not be mended easily. The narcissistic parent is always comparing the children and blaming them for his or her shortcomings.

Narcissistic parents treat their children in different ways. They either try to control them, ignore them completely, or engulf them and make it so they cannot develop into their own self.

A narcissistic mother fails to treat her child as an authentic person with wants and needs which may not match up with hers. She is completely self-centered and needs the attention to be all about her no matter what. If her child’s accomplishment is something to be admired, she’ll take all the credit for it while at the same time telling their child that they could’ve done better.

Parenthood is never about anyone else but them. For most people, having a child means having someone to take care of and love, not the other way around. A narcissist cares about no one but themselves and not even having a child can change their mindset.

Narcissistic Types

There are many faces of narcissism. Some of these may not be scientific or politically correct terms, but I feel that if you have a narcissistic mother in your life, you may be able to recognize some of these and nod your head in agreement.

  1. The Time Hostage: Your mom gets mad at you when you need to reschedule but assumes you will reschedule with her and/or repeatedly cancels on you last minute.
  2. The Quietly Self-Absorbed Narcissist: She’s socially withdrawn and odd thinking, with morose self-doubts and a relentless search for power and has fantasies of great achievements.
  3. The Nice Narcissist: She’s nice. She just needs you to agree with her at all times or she won’t like you.
  4. The Victim: She is unable to take accountability for her choices.  She looks at a problem and blames it on something out of her control instead of searching for anything in the situation she can change.
  5. The Attacker: She comes at you with attacks to see if you admit to anything or, as a way of expressing her fears.
  6. The Downer: She is so busy talking about why everything is lacking that she isn’t emotionally present to you.
  7. The Assessor: It is her job to critique how you measure up and point out anything you could improve on, not to give at least equal time to telling you what you do right.
  8. The Credit Taker: She takes credit for everything, whether she deserves it or not. She passes the blame onto others, whether justified or not. She’s always right, never wrong.
  9. The Jealous Narcissist: If you have it, she wants it or will strive to make it seem worth less than it is and devalue it.
  10. The Competitor: She lets you know you may be good but she is better, or prettier, or smarter, or more accomplished than you’ll ever be.
  11. The Operator: She work’s her own agenda at all times. She’s walled off in her plans for you and everyone else whether you agree with her or not.
  12. The Fading Beauty: She is not handling the aging process well and looks at your comparable youth as an affront.
  13. The Beauty Queen: She identifies herself strongly with her attractiveness and may have been the homecoming queen, the best dressed, or known for her beauty.  She’s especially bothered if you don’t try to make the most of your looks.
  14. The Innocent Narcissist: She’s highly defensive and extremely hostile but masks it behind a “poor me” facade of vulnerability.
  15. The Enraged Narcissist: She screams to get her needs met and projects rage without a filter, not caring who sees it. She doesn’t apologize for her actions.
  16. The Vengeful Narcissist: She enjoys inflicting pain on others and getting back at them if she does not get her way.
  17. The Passive Aggressive Narcissist: She sulks and gives the silent treatment and plots how to punish those who don’t give her what she wants. She is vindictive and capable of becoming a stalker.
  18. The Stealth Narcissist: She fakes an interest in other people and their needs and knows that acting concerned with get her what she wants.
  19. The Cruel Narcissist: She is never fair and her discipline shows that. She knowingly causes you pain and enjoys knowing that you are miserable.
  20. The Character Assassinator: She is always trying to tarnish your reputation by lying, exaggerating, or manipulating the facts to make you look bad and to make her look good.
  21. The Stingy Narcissist: Gifts, compliments, advice and money are given, but look out when you inevitably fail.
  22. The Wounded Narcissist: She feels victimized and the world is against her. She needs you to take care of her and aid in her every want and need.
  23. The Disdainful Narcissist: You are treated as though you are less than what she expected, a disappointment or failure.
  24. The Scapegoating Narcissist: Her life would be better if you were better, or whoever she’s choosing to scapegoat was better. And it will not be better until this person changes.
  25. The User Narcissist: She takes advantage of you and treats you as more of an employee than anything else. She uses you to get ahead in her own life.
  26. The Boundary-less Narcissist: There is no difference between you and her, you are an extension of her and therefore she has no limits. She intrudes on your space and looks through your personal belongings. She embarrasses you constantly.
  27. The Amnesia Narcissist: No matter what healthy requests you’ve made, it is as if you have to repeat yourself every time. For example, “Please don’t hug me or kiss me, it makes me feel uncomfortable,” is ignored.
  28. The Needy Narcissist: “You don’t give me enough calls” or attention. She wants more from you than anyone could deliver.
  29. The Time-Sucker Narcissist: You could spend every minute with this person and they would still feel neglected.
  30. The Mind-Reader Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, and yet they have read into something and insist it is true.
  31. The Clairvoyant Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, but once they have said it you realize it’s true and it’s usually something negative about them (can cause identity confusion for you).
  32. The Touchy-Feely Narcissist: You are expected to tolerate her touching you however and whenever they want.
  33. The Holiday Narcissist: You don’t exist unless it is their birthday or a holiday where she feels the need for family time.
  34. The Glamour Narcissist: She is all about making herself look good. She buys the most expensive clothes, gets her hair and nails done, and doesn’t care about the amount of money she spends.
  35. The Rockstar Narcissist: She believes that she is the center of attention and it should always be that way. She’s the main attraction and wants everyone to idolize her, even if she really has no talents or reason to be in the limelight.
  36. The World Traveler Narcissist: She brags about places she’s been and makes up stories about the places she hasn’t been, but tells people she has. She has grandiose fantasies about how worldly she is.
  37. The Professor/Elite Intellectual Narcissist: She is brainy and seeks admiration for her intelligence. She uses her intellect to put others down and make them feel stupid.
  38. The Stage Mom/The Promoter: She lives her fantasies through you. She makes you do the things she wish she could [still] do and believes your achievements are her own.
  39. The Fashionista: She tells you how to dress and what not to wear—often when you’re already wearing it!
  40. Miss Manners: She still meticulously points out your etiquette failures– from how you eat to what family events you should attend.
  41. The Publicist: She brags about you to others but is excessively critical of you when you are alone.
  42. The Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde Narcissist: She is nice in public, but mean under her breath or when alone.
  43. The Forever Young Narcissist: When did you become more mature than your mother? How old is she, really, emotionally?
  44. The Hot Mama Narcissist: Sexualized and distracted.
  45. The Lovesick Narcissist: Always chasing that ideal mate or trying to win the affection of her partner.
  46.  The Enabler Mom: She is too distracted with your rebel siblings’ problems or her partner’s addictive behaviors and seems to get a bit of a rush or power out of rescuing.
  47. The Social Butterfly: Everyone in town loves her, she is a generous host, but she can’t be bothered to make time for you.
  48. The Hypochondriac Narcissist: She believes something’s physically wrong with her, you should be checking in on her. And, if you don’t, as luck would have it, she unfortunately has something real going on every once in awhile. Or, it’s nothing a reputable doctor will confirm but she’s fighting off her cancer, leprosy, etc. with special treatments she’s managed to find through her own sheer will to survive.
  49. The Financially-Challenged Narcissistic: She just needs a little bit of help for this umpteenth self created crisis and she’s sorry she hasn’t paid you back yet for the last time you lent her money.
  50. The Martyr Narcissist: Her refrain is “How Can You Do This to Me?”  She tells you that you make her miserable, suicidal, isolated, or some other negative emotion. You are told that, in one way or another, you control her emotions and that if you would just do what she wanted she would be fine.
  51. The BFF (Best Friends Forever) Narcissist: You are her best friend, she doesn’t know what she would do without you, unless she had a better offer, in that case you’ll just have to wait until the next time she’s lonely. You are brought out like a doll when she wants attention then ignored when she doesn’t need it (but seriously, when doesn’t she need it?). This is also a description of what is experienced when someone is another’s “narcissistic supply.”
  52. The Expensive Narcissist: She has ruined your credit through manipulation to use your credit.
  53. The Criminal Narcissist: Some narcissists exploit their children or others through identity theft, mismanagement of trust funds, and fraudulent financial dealings. You may or may not have been the target of her crime, but she doesn’t see the rule of law applies to her. She may have Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is a pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. As if the narcissism wasn’t enough!

If you found this article helpful, I encourage you to read my free eBook The 7 Steps to Recovering from a Narcissistic Mother.

{ 933 comments… read them below or add one }

lcarter April 18, 2015 at 10:14 am

My NM recently passed and left my NS everything so “I couldn’t hurt anyone in the family with anything she had.” What?? SO my NS is spending the small amount of $ on acting lessons and photoshoots (she is 57) thinking she will be the next Meryl Streep I guess. The grandchildren each got $3K and I got a letter. In it it had every email she disagreed with, how she said she was “afraid” of me (because I called her out on her BS and asked for the truth.) Even at her funeral she rewrote scripture so it could pertain to her more. And ended with how much she loved her family and they all knew that. I am now in PTSD therapy and am very hesitatant to be in amy type of relationship with NS. They are very manipulative and I think my anger is clouding my strength. When I read WINNING was their untimate goal, it could not have said it better myself!!

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Sandy April 21, 2015 at 9:09 am

Michelle,
Thank you so much for your emails. I’m 60 years old and just now am a little over a year, with no contact with my mother. I’ve tried for my whole life to please her and do more and more and more for her, and it was never enough. What you wrote today about transactional and relational relationships hit me to the core. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer,and I told my mother; the first thing she said to me is who is gonna take me shopping and do all I need done now? You think that would be my breaking point, but I still tried minamal conatact. Well here I am after all the years of grief I am at no contact. It is THE ONLY WAY to heal my depression and anxiety I have because of years of her manipulation and control. Really and truly appreciate all your emails, thank you for helping me to heal. Sandy

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awakenow May 14, 2015 at 7:14 pm

Sandy I am so sorry. I am 42 and now seeing why NC is critical to happiness and overall emotional well-being. My son’s are in their late teens. I know that once I send them off to grow as young adults the NC will begin. I am currently in light contact. I pray your strength!

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Gina July 20, 2015 at 3:19 pm

Sandy,
I just want you to know I am praying for you. I am a lung cancer survivor, and as much as going thru that ordeal was painful, having a NM is the most pain I will endure in this lifetime. I am 55 years old and I have been emotionally abused since I can remember, fro being given the silent treatment by her and my older sister, to just being the schmuck daughter who will never be good enough. I have a wonderful man friend and the best son any mom could hope for but every time I talk to my mother, I end up irritable, depressed and angry for at least a full day. She is now 80 years old and still has a way of degrading me and making me feel like crap. This is a lifetime of this and I don’t know if I can take anymore. My younger sister has disowned me and my older sister and my older sister talks horribly to me about our mother and then invites her to her house and caters to her for a weekend. I just don’t get it. I just wish I was able to get this stuff out of my mind, and not let it bother me anymore. I don’t know what I have done to anybody to deserve this treatment. I have always been there for my family because I have always wanted to be if they needed help. She has never treated me the way she has treated my sisters and still doesn’t. I feel like I can’t even talk to my older sister about anything happening in my life because I just don’t trust her. I have been thru your pain in more ways than one. Please don’t to hesitate to reach out to me. Gina

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Barbara August 4, 2015 at 3:13 am

Gina, your story touched my heart so much, I am 59 years old and been treated like this by my mom all my life, I finally went NC nine years ago when she pulled her last hateful game with me. I have no memories of her ever holding me, brushing my hair, just doing the normal things that a mom does. I do know the shame that comes from having a mom that could care less about you. My mother never attended even one of my school functions, was not there for my marriage at 16, (I know now I was just searching for someone to love me) , could not be bothered to help or even call to check on me when I gave birth at 18 to my daughter. She shut me out of the family and all family functions. She constantly lies to people about me , She could not stand for my father to love me or show me any affection and I just adored him. When he got sick and died suddenly I was shut out of his funeral, I have not spoken to her since but now I am the evil daughter that is not there for her mom. Both my brothers were the golden ones, they could do no wrong, they were given lavish birthday parties each year, I never even got a birthday cake, she would tell me my birthday was at Christmas and everyone was tired of parties and getting together so my birthday was just an inconvenience for her. I had no idea what was wrong until I found this site and realized this is exactly how she is. All my life I have wanted and tried so hard to be accepted and treated like a daughter but I realized finally that she will never change and is one of the meanest most hateful people I know. Going NC was the best thing I ever did. I have such hatred for her and the hurt goes so deep. I have a daughter 40 years old and I would never ever hurt her in any way. My mom enjoyed hurting me and I can still see her smug smile just for me to see as she stabbed me in the back. I have had NC with any family since my dad died and I know that I will die alone. Other people (not family) like me and I have people tell me I am pretty and talented , this is something I would never ever hear from her. I know now that she will hurt me until she dies if I allowed her to. She is 80 now and I have no plans to attend her funeral. When she shut me out of my beloved dads death and funeral I made my decision then that this woman is not like other moms. She gets immense pleasure in demeaning and shaming me. I truly hope she rots in hell. I have no plans to ever speak or see her ever again. she is dead to me.

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Debra May 13, 2015 at 7:53 pm

My name is Debra my mother is killing me, she as ruined my life emotionally physically draining me. My dad was a alcoholic and her to. He sexually abused me too and she knew everything. Everything you say is my life with her. The rest of the family to that just don’t see it because that don’t life with her. I can’t get out of here there’s no way out. I’m 50 and just want to be happy. My kids as suffered to. Because I didn’t learn how to live right in my life so much pain and still stuck in it. Trying to heal but so hard here.. I want to live some in this life. If I stay here she will win I will die here. I know she as lifeinsurance on me I know she well fighter it out. She does not care for me I see straight through her. Help me

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awakenow May 14, 2015 at 7:07 pm

You have to get out! YOUR CRY FOR HELP on this site is the first step. Where are you? How can I help??? I am praying for you! There are shelters and safe havens. I can research for you. Just say the word. Please get out soon!

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awakenow May 14, 2015 at 7:10 pm

Debra I hear your cry and it is breaking my heart. Please get down on your knees and pray. Seek God! It costs nothing but your heart and time. Seek Him. He will guide you. She can’t take prayer and love from you. Don’t let her steal the very essence of who you are, a child of God! He is your lifeline! He is your refuge!

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Tory May 26, 2015 at 10:55 pm

Debra leave!

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Eden June 9, 2015 at 7:59 am

Hi, Debra, I am the same age as you. I cut contact and moved as far as I could away from my Mother, she was poison also. I had a phone call off an old school friend telling me my mother had died. I had no emotions, nothing. I asked how she died And was told ‘Painfully’. I was pleased.
My Sisters and I was starved, beaten and emotionally abused until we could leave home or in my mothers case until she could legally throw us out. Move as far away as possible and cut all links.

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Chris June 25, 2015 at 6:02 pm

You should definitely leave, enjoy your life, you deserve it :) Some people are poison, and unfortunately sometimes they are parents. Please make sure you don’t make the same mistakes with your kids. Best of luck to you, I hope you free yourself :)

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Terri July 8, 2015 at 4:57 pm

Dear Debra,

Your letter struck a chord with me. It hurts so deeply but your only choice is to become
estranged from her. Her goal is to win and you will win if you go no contact. I did this
to my mother when I was 35. Now at 60 things are so much better I should’ve left even
earlier. My mother has my brother as the golden child and I”m the scapegoat. My brother
is a recovering alcoholic. She has manipulated him to move into her home to take
care of her. He’s even retired early and is doing this. I know I”ll receive zero from the
will, but the peace of mind and happiness is so much better. ALso you win instead
of her! I’m praying for you!!

Terri

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awakenow May 14, 2015 at 7:04 pm

I recently told my mother that she needs therapy. Her reply – Maybe I do, what about you? Narcissists are masters at pulling you into their Web of self deceit. When I confronted her with truths about her trashing me to other people she stated that she would never do such a thing. And… “why would I do something like that knowing it would hurt you?” “Can you be woman enough to tell me who they are so that I can confront them?” Me – “No I do not want to uncapped drama” She responds with “Why should I believe you?” My response “You don’t have to believe me” Her response “You believe them?” “Who are they, this is for me not for you. My response “Yes because their detailed accounts on events were correct”. Her response ” well if I did say anything it was to blank and blank….. and blank. My response ” I thought you didn’t trash people.” Her response “You are :-)” “You want to hold this” Now at this point I have caught her in a lie but know that with exhibit a-z in her face she will still deny wrongdoing. She can’t be trusted. She put up a facade for so long that I literally thought she was close to perfect. Now I know she is a liar. She used to attend church like a drug addict. Giving all her money to the church in exchange for a fake prophetic gift. I always believed what she shared, or at least the little she shared. Yet when zi asked her to expound or give further insight on a revelation she would hold it or keep it to herself and say that God said she couldn’t share it and that people wouldn’t understand or they “weren’t ready” I hung on her every word waiting for the rest of the prophecy… the revaltion that would never come. Now I realize that she never held the rest of the prophecy and if she did, she “revealed” things as confirmation after information became common knowledge. One example was when my fiance’s father was murdered, my mother told him after the murder that she had a dream that he had multiple holes throughout his body where like could shine straight through. Mind you his father died of multiple stab wombs. Now why is it that if you know you have a gift and you dream something questionable or even down write horrible about someone you are able to identify, wouldn’t you give at least an ounce of warning? I can go on and on. I am a 42 yr old African American woman and my mother is 62. I share my race because mental health is something that we don’t talk about or even want to deal with in the African American community. It is shameful to many. I believe that is why mental and behavioral health issues are so prevalent. Couple that with rigid southern values and a wealth of mistrust in society and you have thousands of disordered individuals that essentially may be ticking time bombs. I have more to write and will follow up once I put my baby girl to bed. God bless all!

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JayLady July 26, 2015 at 4:09 am

Thank you SO MUCH.for sharing. I am too AA and realize the stigma.with seeking mental health treatment in our community. It is considered a weakness and for those whom are not AA. Sigh. I spent so many years suffering in silence with depression and PTSD due to my upbringing by a NM. And I must admit that eventhough I have been NC for over a year now, I dont believe I will be completely free until she is dead. Sigh. I feel like she has this invisible hold on me that I just cant shake.

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Anonymous August 18, 2015 at 6:59 am

Thank you for writing this…I am 42 years old also and have a three year old daughter who ‘woke’ this mama up from a deep disconnect within due to an unadulterated web of narcissistic slog. One small example, at 27 years of age, ‘mom, I’m going for my PhD.’
‘why…?’ ‘I just want to deepen the work as a clinician.’ ‘well, are you going to teach or do anything with it?’ ‘Not sure.’ Well, that is a selfish decision. You are being selfish to do that right now.’
Really?
Even better…’I have no faith in you regarding men.’ (this, after pouring my heart out about loneliness and fear.’
And finally, ‘the day you told me you were pregnant, and unmarried, — that was one of the top three worst days of my life. Your brother’s mental health diagnosis, your other brother’s suicide and your announcement of pregnancy.’
All because….she cares.
How tired am I of: ‘Yes, mother, you may love me, but it doesn’t feel as if you actually *like* your own child.’ (‘That’s ridiculous. That’s crazy. Why would you say something like that?’)
*sigh.
Should have known it best when, in 2007, after defending my doctoral dissertation on the Prodigal Daughter…she stood up to a standing room only event and said, “now, can you imagine being *her* mother?”
And the kicker? She still won’t read the dissertation. Nor my entire family for that matter. Why? It talks ‘negative’ about her.
Please…ask me how many times I said it didn’t…that she wasn’t even the focus.

Maybe that’s the problem. It really wasn’t about her…and she knows it.

Wow…I really went on a rant….!
Thank you for first sharing your journey …. I am learning to receive the invaluable gift of affirmation to a reality I could not fully accept for many years.

Blessings.

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Jaquae Perkins May 15, 2015 at 10:56 am

Hi… as I was reading this article, I found myself having to stop and think and repeat some sentences. Not because I didn’t understand but because it blows me that I finally found meaning of why my mother displays this type of behavior. I am more of the scapegoated child. I am 23 years old and the only child. I was confused with my feelings. Asking myself am I wrong for thinking such things about my mother? Is God mad at me because I am kind of pushing myself away from my mom and her negative ways. Lately I have been trying to reach out to her by using different approaches but they all failed. She would insist I was always at fault for how our relationship is. Our other family members do not know my mom is really like this… Or do they, I ask myself. She makes up lies about me or exaggerates things to them that makes me out to be disrespectful or ungrateful. Like she’s this super mom that does no wrong and her ungrateful daughter is rebelling against her, which is definitely not the case. I have always been treated less like a family member because of the different route I went down in life. Like not going straight to college after high school, for an example.
It has gotten worse because I am 9 months pregnant and I have been putting my foot down lately. I refuse to act like there’s not a problem anymore. I refuse let my child (her granddaughter) be treated in the way I was treated. I blamed myself for many years. Sometimes I still do. It hurts me that she only considers me as the problem. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and even she is pretty much saying the same thing about my mother. A BIG THING My mom does is do for me as in spend money and get me this or that when I don’t ask which is a blessing BUT she uses this as a controlling way to threaten me if I don’t do certain things in life as in making decisions HER way. I just need a little advice on how to handle this now that she has pretty much displayed she’s not going to change even after I give birth to my child in the next 3 weeks…..

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Karl May 17, 2015 at 5:53 pm

Copy and paste this post to the recovery forum section, Jaquae. Many more folks there who will probably give you great advice. You are lucky to be figuring this out when you are so young. Life will get better. Welcome!

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Anonymous May 21, 2015 at 4:02 am

Thank you so much

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shauna June 9, 2015 at 11:50 pm

Jaquae…Oh my gosh…its like I just read something I would write 100% completely the same. Everything is exactly how you explained it with my mother. I’m telling you, its such a great feeling to get confirmation it is true, my mother is a narcissist and I am going to be okay now that I know. It will be the same for you. Its like now that I know, everything is crystal clear to me. Its so easy not to fall for her crap anymore because I can see right through it. I am doing no contact but she is still trying her hardest pulling out all the tricks in the book to get me to talk to her gain. Thank you for your comment and affirmation you provided and reminded me of.

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De July 22, 2015 at 1:16 am

“I’d go so far as to venture that, if you’re reading this, you were more likely to have been the Scapegoat than the Golden Child.
This is because, contrary to the way it felt growing up, the Scapegoat is actually the lucky one. (I mean relatively lucky, of course. No child of a narcissistic mother can be ever described as being lucky.)
The Golden Child can end up very engulfed by the Narcissistic Mother, and her life can end up being enmeshed in the Narcissistic Mother’s. She may well grow without proper boundaries and proper self-identity. She is likely to remain, either forever or for a long time, as a puppet of the Narcissistic Mother, and if she ever does manage to break free, that process will be infinitely more painful for her than it is for the Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat on the other hand, is the independent one. She’s the one who’s driven to seek answers and who may well realise about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She’s the one who can break free from the unhealthy dynamics of the family and do her best to create a healthy life and recover from the lies she was told about herself since the day she was born. It’s still not easy for her (i.e. for you) of course. Nothing about this journey is easy. But it’s doable, and possible. “

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Sue June 1, 2015 at 8:52 pm

Hi I have a question about no or low contact . I have tried many times but what brings me back is my kids and my nieces and nephews. But family gatherings with all of us are so painful for me after years of being scapegoated. It has been so bad that my NM has called my ex and my kids on their cell phones inviting them to family events. Knowing I wouldn’t go. She never wants to be around me or my kids except for family holidays and birthdays. My 2 sisters have sided with NM leaving me alone. Even their husbands have gained up on me at family gatherings . My NM once suggested counseling for the family but AFTER she and the rest of my family had already gone without me.of course I refused and was astonished that she thought I would t see through this …framing me as the problem.i have had so much anger and depression ar times. A few months ago I finally went on an anti depressant which has helped me . I have a successful business and 2 teens I need to be on my A game without all this energy sucking drama.I got divorced when my kids were little and no help from the family who lived 5miles away. I moved 40 miles away 9 years ago and my sisters never come and my parents 2-3 times a year. I got NO support from anyone in my family. Only judgement.They accused me of being needy…. I could go on and on but my main question is how Can I go No contact and deal with this with my kids and my nieces and nephews who I am sure now (they are adults)side with their parents (my sisters) I was totally involved in their childhoods but that didn’t matter to my sisters when I had kids. NO involvement in my Iife my NM recently accused me Of shutting them out ! How do I explain this to my kids when they get it now that my family isn’t very close (they used to cry about no one coming to see them when they were younger or coming for very short visits.)But they like the money and gifts my NM gives them and my kids have thought it was mean of me when I would refuse to attend certain functions.Of course, they don’t get the whole picture only part. Thank you for reading my ramble

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Eden June 9, 2015 at 8:02 am

If your kids are old enough to understand your pain, explain to them how you feel cut off all contact with your Family. Best thing I ever did.

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Melodee June 11, 2015 at 2:30 am

I’m so glad I found this. Reading everything has opened my eyes. I just cut my NM out of our lives. I have a 2 year old that I don’t want to subject them to her bizarre behaviors.

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Ramey Chisum June 15, 2015 at 5:43 pm

I told my mother that because she refuses to change her abusive habits and treat me as an adult I don’t want her in my life anymore. I felt good about it at first and now I am getting scared of what she will do to me in retaliation. She has committed such vicious acts against me any time I’ve attempted to escape her and now thst she will be firced to give up control I don’t know what to do. I want to believe she can’t hurt me anymore or make me her slave as I am 36, live on my own, I have a child and another on the way but like she’s proved to be true so many times: She brought me into this world she can take me out. Help please…

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anon June 27, 2015 at 2:44 am

Ramey, I am 32 with 2 kids and I can relate to your fear. I just confronted my “egg donor” and she’s furious with me and retaliating. She’s started to go for my kids, but fortunately the love we have for each other makes it easier for them to see grandma is not right in the head. It’s a very bitter reality, but take care and keep your kids far away. Love, love, love them so they know what to look for in their own personal lives. I was so confused by love that when I found it I had to adapt. I thank God for my husband’s patience with me in this process. Most men would have kicked me to the curb.

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anon June 27, 2015 at 3:00 am

Be very open with your man and share this with him. My mother got between my husband and me. If we argued, he’d call her. It wasn’t until after I started to share my childhood experiences with him that we both realized he was suckered also. Now she’s no longer buddy, buddy with him.

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tutu July 30, 2015 at 7:02 am

for anon

my boyfriend turned out to be my husband….My NMom was his mother for 10 years and he became the golden child because my older brother was gone and studying at college and never came back….My husband had a horrible mother who used him as her father figure, yelled all the time and parented like a two year old. So when I figured out that mom was a narcissist, and my husband was the golden child pf my own mother for awhile,,, and that I was the scapegoat, the gates of hell were opened and the hell fire was coming out of me…I am no longer anyone’s scapegoat. It took 4 years of forums, reading, therapy and me saying ‘no more will I allow any of them to hurt me’. Now that I’m NC with mom, my two brothers aren’t happy. The forgotten brother is getting all the abuse and my older golden brother finally cut the apron strings and is being pummeled by NMom now,,, for abandoning his post of being the golden obedient son. My NMom played us well for 40 years. Now the N is out of the closet for all her children to see the real truth ….It’s quite painful when you come to grips with that your mother never did love you and was into using her own children.

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Kate June 16, 2015 at 1:33 am

Just want to say, Its never too late but the sooner you act the better life will be. My mother died last year.She was 86 and I was her care-giver. I am 55. Boy am I angry. Angry angry angry. I only found out about narcissistic information websites recently and wish so much I had known 30 years ago. I always thought there was something wrong with me, my brother thought there was something wrong with him but she was so clever at manipulation that we never discussed it (or anything else) until a few weeks before he died 8 years ago. Although its a relief to discover that the family I was born into were dysfunctional I can’t shift the anger and hate.. Even after they are dead NM’s can still affect you. My advice to anyone with parents like mine – get out, move on, talk to those you can trust (I have major issues with trust) but GET OUT. They harm and harm and harm. All those wasted years I thought I owed her love and duty. She owes me! Good luck and lots of love to all of you trying to have your own lives. We weren’t given an easy path to tread.

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Ramey Chisum June 16, 2015 at 6:57 am

So now my mother told my baby’s dad to leave me because I won’t let her abuse me. She’s ruining my life again and again. If he does leave his little girl will be asking for her daddy and his little boy will never get to see him. I know she wants me to believe this is all my fault but I never told him to leave, she did.

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Ramey Chisum June 16, 2015 at 7:16 am

I’ve decided I will take the approach used on this site and all like it, ignore the problem and it will go away. I guess I can now…

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Anonymous June 16, 2015 at 7:26 pm

Went to Mom’s today. Walked in and told her how pretty her flowers were and would she like me to slice the strawberries I brought her. She told me to put the strawberries on the table and sit down because she needed to talk to me……………..never a good thing, I have learned. She proceeded to accuse me of withdrawing my financial support from her (I no longer could afford to do it) because she wouldn’t go somewhere with her. She also told me that she had all of those anxiety attacks because I didn’t call her on Sundays,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,although I think the phone works both ways. She went on to tell me that I am an old unhappy woman who thinks I never do anything wrong. When I told her I wasn’t going to listen to her, she accused me of stealing her Xanex. She was also angry because I wouldn’t give a quilt back to her so she could give it to someone else. I hate this woman. Hate her, hate her, hate her.

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marilyn June 16, 2015 at 7:29 pm

Went to Mom’s today. Walked in and told her how pretty her flowers were and would she like me to slice the strawberries I brought her. She told me to put the strawberries on the table and sit down because she needed to talk to me……………..never a good thing, I have learned. She proceeded to accuse me of withdrawing my financial support from her (I no longer could afford to do it) because she wouldn’t go somewhere with her. She also told me that she had all of those anxiety attacks because I didn’t call her on Sundays,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,although I think the phone works both ways. She went on to tell me that I am an old unhappy woman who thinks I never do anything wrong. When I told her I wasn’t going to listen to her, she accused me of stealing her Xanex. She was also angry because I wouldn’t give a quilt back to her so she could give it to someone else. I hate this woman. Hate her, hate her, hate her.

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Jennifer August 18, 2015 at 7:04 am

I get this.
I SO get this.
Whenever I hear my mother say she wants to get together “for lunch” — ” for coffee” or she says ” there’s something I need to say.” I run for the hills.
Learned, painfully, a long time ago that whenever those words are uttered — it’s disaster. No matter how many times I would say: “please don’t talk about that. please don’t say those things. please don’t tell me. i don’t want to know. no. no. NO. NO.”
Never mattered.
It was her ‘duty’ so say the things she needed to say because ‘no one else would love me enough to be this honest.’
If i’d listened to her assessment of who I am (like truly listened and believed) — I’d be smoking a crack pipe underneath the local bridge.
Lean in to amazing supports around you that do not promote toxic fumes into your soul…

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gladi'mnotalone June 19, 2015 at 6:14 pm

Thank you for the information. I was the scapegoat growing up.My sister was and still is the golden child, my mother was very into beauty and fashion, and my sister was tall and thin. She even encouraged us at around 12 years of age to wear make up and dress much older then we were.I even had permission to go to bars under age. Yes my mom played and still does play my sister and i against each other. Everything was always my fault, then my father passed away and i became the hero. She has even dragged my adult kids into the mess. I have had to put up very strict boundaries with her. She has lied to me, kept secrets from me, played mind games, played the victim, gotten angry at me when i didn’t/do attend to her constant needs. Today is wanted to know when i was coming to see her, well i have already seen her twice this week, so i told her i’ll see her next week, she got very angry and said DO WHAT YOU WANT, i know what that really means, do what she wants, i felt so guilty and almost called her back to set up another day to visit her.then i found this site. :)

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Renee June 24, 2015 at 7:47 am

Hi All~

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.

Some thoughts to share ~ On this 45 year journey (the first 30 I really didn’t know I was even on!!), I NEVER thought that I could write that I have reached a ‘balance’ in dealing with my nm. It is a road I would not wish on anyone, even the most evil people that walk the planet.

My nm actually made it very easy for me (looking back). She cut me off but continued her saga to my in-laws and children. My children have always known and now my in-laws finally get it too BUT it took a very, very, very long time for them to see and accept it.

I don’t really feel anything; no anger or resentment ~ although I am miffed at the antics she has pulled on my poor children. She has just faded. There is no power. There are no tears, weeping, longing, soul searching for what I did wrong, there’s nothing. And I can exhale. There is no confrontational angst or dread. And, again, I can exhale and breath without weight.

I am sharing because I want everyone to know that this is possible and everyone can achieve what I am feeling. And it wasn’t all my work; kudos to my husband, my children, my lifetime friends, and this website (thank GOD for this website). And, if I may suggest, when you reach the top of the mountain, please reach out to others that are still seeking, begging, crying, longing for help.

The very best to everyone. I will keep you all in my thoughts as you continue to heal.

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Michele Fralick June 29, 2015 at 8:40 am

“when you reach the top of the mountain, please reach out to others that are still seeking, begging, crying, longing for help”

Thank you for sharing your story, Renee.

You’ve given the gift of HOPE (to at least one CONFIRMED person who was once blind and “longing for help”) …

* elated, knowing you’re finally free, exhaling
* no longer feeling frustrated but rather, validated
* certain that your words are Divinely Scribed
* waiting to exhale, eager to help others like us
* BEYOND BLESSED

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Anon June 26, 2015 at 12:31 am

Thank you for the excellent list. I would like to add one more: The physically abusive narcissistic mother. My mother beat the hell out of my brother and me. I was terrified of her and it was a perfect addition to her twisted mind games. To disagree meant beatings.
She turned us all against each other, lied, manipulated. I was picked on horribly in school because of the stupid clothes she made me wear and her intentionally going out of the way to make me an outcast. She has absolutely destroyed my whole family’s life.
I am a complete loser. Work as a janitor because I have social anxiety and it’s about the only work you can do completely by yourself. I’m afraid to drive in traffic or go to the store.

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Pam June 26, 2015 at 3:10 pm

This website has given me the courage to leave my NM immediately. She allowed her ex-husband to sexually abuse me when I was 7 years old and it didn’t end until I was 10. She claimed she didn’t know about it. I am 53 and feel as if I have no one on my side because she has manipulated my siblings to believe I am the problem. Now I realized she seem to have every trait I just read of a narcissis. Now I know my mind is not playing trick on me because of the dreams I’m have over and over of her taking money from men to leave me with them. Oh my God.

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Michele Fralick June 29, 2015 at 9:28 am

STAY STRONG, PAM! Your mind isn’t “playing tricks on you”. Perhaps such train of thought is nothing more than a survival mechanism? Though I don’t know for sure, I do know what it’s like to think you may be tripp’in with such thoughts about your mother. I also know what it’s like to be a 7-year-old girl, raped and beaten up throughout her childhood and into her teenage years while her NM either “turned a blind eye” … continuously witness her NM “play the victim” when confronted with a demand for answers by a now adult daughter … a 40-year-old woman, painted as a monster to her younger sister …

“she has manipulated my siblings to believe I am the problem”

I am now left to wonder if the sibling(s) are truly clueless OR are they just as “manipulating” as the original culprit …

THOUGHTS, ANYONE???

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Michele Fralick June 29, 2015 at 7:27 am

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

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Anonymous June 29, 2015 at 9:28 am

STAY STRONG, PAM! Your mind isn’t “playing tricks on you”. Perhaps such train of thought is nothing more than a survival mechanism? Though I don’t know for sure, I do know what it’s like to think you may be tripp’in with such thoughts about your mother. I also know what it’s like to be a 7-year-old girl, raped and beaten up throughout her childhood and into her teenage years while her NM either “turned a blind eye” … continuously witness her NM “play the victim” when confronted with a demand for answers by a now adult daughter … a 40-year-old woman, painted as a monster to her younger sister …

“she has manipulated my siblings to believe I am the problem”

I am now left to wonder if the sibling(s) are truly clueless OR are they just as “manipulating” as the original culprit …

THOUGHTS, ANYONE???

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Michele Monica Fralick June 29, 2015 at 9:30 am

STAY STRONG, PAM! Your mind isn’t “playing tricks on you”. Perhaps such train of thought is nothing more than a survival mechanism? Though I don’t know for sure, I do know what it’s like to think you may be tripp’in with such thoughts about your mother. I also know what it’s like to be a 7-year-old girl, raped and beaten up throughout her childhood and into her teenage years while her NM either “turned a blind eye” … continuously witness her NM “play the victim” when confronted with a demand for answers by a now adult daughter … a 40-year-old woman, painted as a monster to her younger sister …

“she has manipulated my siblings to believe I am the problem”

I am now left to wonder if the sibling(s) are truly clueless OR are they just as “manipulating” as the original culprit …

THOUGHTS, ANYONE???

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Michele Monica July 1, 2015 at 11:31 am

Michele,

Thank you for your kind message. This is certainly not a journey for the faint!!

I would like to weigh in on my sibling. In my particular case, initially I did love my sister; protected her, watched over her, etc. I was angry, moreso at my parents than her, because they babied her while I had to most of the chores a ‘boy’ would do. But, even at a young age, I knew it wasn’t her fault.

I guess I was always an outgoing kid while my sister was shy or maybe she just didn’t put herself out there. It was when I went away to college and came home to find that she had taken, with adoring permission from my parents, to take over my closed and drawers in my room. I lived out of my suitcase during the holidays and summers until I officially moved out of the house (second year of college).

Getting older, I saw that my nm liked to baby my sister; shopping trips because they wore the same size (I was an athletic girl and never a size 7 or 9), she made lunch for my sister, on and on and my sister just ate it up. I now my sister has dreamed of being an only child, intially because she was jealous of who I was (nobody but just that people seemed to like me) but now it is for the inheritance she will no doubt collect.

My sister, and her husband, knew full well what they were doing and manipulating both of my parents. It is what it is. So in my case, it was done knowledgeably and with mal-intent.

They can have each other. My emotional peace is worth $350k (my share of what my sister will get). Even with every penny my sister will get, she will have no peace as she has sold her morals, ethics, and soul to the devil.

Hope that helps.

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Michele Fralick July 12, 2015 at 12:52 am

“My sister, and her husband, knew full well what they were doing and manipulating both of my parents. It is what it is. So in my case, it was done knowledgeably and with mal-intent … They can have each other. My emotional peace is worth $350k (my share of what my sister will get). Even with every penny my sister will get, she will have no peace as she has sold her morals, ethics, and soul to the devil.”

Your story isn’t only EYE-opening, it’s validating. It also reveals your character to be a commendable one. And I, for one, respect the likes of any person whose Soul is NOT for sale and whose Love can’t be be bought. Sadly, it seems that’s far and few. Thank you for remaining True.

They say ‘the truth hurts’. That would apply to to cold about my sister [who appears to relish in her role as “The Golden Child”]. Deep down, I probably already knew the answers to my own questions about her. I guess I just didn’t want to believe that she is the very person I feared her to be, for her own sake … and the sake of her children. Thinking back, I guess part of me wanted to believe that she was oblivious to our mother’s malicious intent. Another part of me hoped that by passing my newfound NM knowledge unto her, my sister would choose seeking sense rather than dollars. Apparently, I am the one who was oblivious — played out and preyed upon by my own birth mother and sibling. SMH

My ‘Love’ for them was blind. I failed to establish healthy boundaries between myself and them. My “giving” tendencies were extreme … and unhealthy … passed on with any regard for the fruits of my own labor, and lacking respect for my own needs. I constantly gave to my NM and NS. They didn’t miss a beat to happily accept my choice to gift them with my TIME (even when my schedule didn’t permit), my money (even when I couldn’t afford it), and lavish gifts (undeserved gifts, at that) — that which was given with Love, yet never reciprocated.

And a Healing Journey begins …

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

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Renee July 24, 2015 at 7:19 am

Michele,

Sweet dove, I don’t think your love was blind. We are sent from heaven with love and by love and that, for the most part many of us are natural and heroic advocates of that emotion. And we can do it and feel it even if it is returned in a harmful fashion. Celebrate that you can love without strings, despite our experiences. Get it?

Secondly, I feel that there is no failure if knowledge and perspective and growth are the chalis of an experience. Sometimes learning is achieved on the first go around. Sometimes the 10th. Sometimes the 100th. Sometimes it’s 20, 30, 40 years.

If dog bites you, you may still try to love it, win it over, perhaps because you believe in yourself or you believe in sharing kindness and affection. And then the doggie bites you again, and again, and again. Eventually you come to terms that the poor bowser doesn’t have it in its ‘makeup’ to accept genuineness …. And you learn you can’t let it any more. AND you don’t put your hand out to get hit up again! Is that failure of growth of knowledge? Ok?

The change of an adjective; failure to knowledgeable, is liberating and validating.

Peace, healing and joy to you always.

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Genevieve July 2, 2015 at 3:01 pm

My parents joined the DOS when my siblings and I were young. On our way to our first 3rd world post, my mom tried to abandon us all in the airport. My dad had to beg her to stay with her family. That trend continued throughout our lives. I have distinct memories of the three of us young kids sobbing and begging her not to leave us on multiple occasions when she would begin packing her suitcases and demanding our dad buy her tickets to go back home. So rude.

In addition, there were the grandiose spankings, where many a wooden spoon would crack after one or two whacks on our backs (or the poor cats..). She would instruct one of us to touch our toes so she could hit our behind better and the other two had to watch. This was usually her response to one of us not picking up socks off the floor or something else horrendous we did, all under age 10.

She never hugged us or told us she loved us. I only remember anger and screaming. She would wake up and from the first moment be screaming at us or my Dad, over NOTHING. She loved to play the helpless card, and we all despised it. In grocery stores she would take items off the shelf as she walked and hold it behind her, waiting for someone to jump to attention and take it from her and place it in the cart 1/2 foot away, because she simply couldn’t be bothered. Or she’d invite her friends over to the house, scream for one of us to come to the living room and then order us to ask HER adult friends if we could get them a drink. She could have easily done that herself, but she loved showing how powerful she was over us. Disgusting. Her friends always would compliment her, saying “Wow, you have the best behaved kids I’ve ever seen! They just sit quietly for hours!” It was because we were terrified of her and we loathed her. If we had the audacity to speak in front of other people, we would be in huge trouble when we got home.

What’s really hurtful is that she clearly hated the family she had, but she LOVED every other family she came across. If you had asked anyone else who had exposure to our family unit, no one would ever guess my mother was a crazed tyrant. To the outside world, she was charming and fun and would make cakes for anyone who mentioned good news, etc. But for our birthdays – Nothing. No cake, no gifts, no celebration. She didn’t believe in our birthdays, but for our friends? Oh, they deserved the world.

Later in life, she divorced my father and he has gone onto much greener pastures, luckily for him. Of course, now it’s me and my other responsible sibling left to deal with the trash he left behind. My mother has squandered every last dime making childish decisions, only relying on advice people she barely knows give her, totally discounting the honest help my, now adult, siblings and I try to provide her.

I’m torn now because she is poor and has no life skills and only gets jobs that pay pennies. She refuses to go to a trade school for training to better herself. I can sense that she is hoping that any day now, I will invite her to forget all her problems and move in with my husband and I. Well, f— that! Never gonna happen.

She has made so many dumb mistakes out of her impulsive nature that she is in a deep financial hole, but I feel no obligation to assist her anymore. I have helped her with money in the past and things only got worse. I have always felt like I was HER mother and I hate it! None of my siblings or I ever wanted children, and now none of us have any. Our other family members wonder when we’ll give them grandkids, etc, but little do they know that I am aware children ruin lives and will never bring a kid into a world where I may have my Mother’s traits to impose onto them.

Somehow, the three of us kids ended up alright, but every single day I struggle with immense guilt over not giving her more money, not opening my home to her, etc. People say you should give your mother anything, but I just can’t see it that way. Thus, I am struggling emotionally and logically.

Thanks, Mom!!

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Terri July 4, 2015 at 5:53 am

Hello,
I am 60 years old and recently found this site. Although I have been estranged from my NM since
age 35 she still continues to make me feel guilty. My younger brother became the golden
child and is taking care of her today. She has been diagnosed with altheimers. Praise God!
Now I won’t have to ever deal with her. She was so mean growing up, constantly playing
games and manipulating us. At age 35 I decided that I didn’t want my daughter to have
any contact with her. She has turned my brother against me. He has no contact with
me and told my father to not tell me that he’s moved into her home to care for her. He
has the chance to inherit lots of money. I’m so glad to be away from her but still feel there
is so much work to do on myself. I have a lot of friends and a great husband. But at times
I feel I”m living a very secret life. People on the outside think I”m the most postive, happy
upbeat person. But when alone I spend a lot of time crying and being depressed. I just
wish I could get past this sadness and start to be happy. Any suggestions on what
has worked for you? Thanks!

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Anna Starr July 5, 2015 at 8:06 pm

This site is a god sent

I am a 17 year old daughter of a wicked NM. There really isn’t a place to express the hurt and trauma of these kind of mothers, and no one in real life believes how toxic and abuse they are. My story is long, but if you have the time to read and give a reply, I’d greatly appriciate it :)

I was born to two narcessistic parents, my mother fed my sister and I to obesity from birth to 12 (when I developed anorexia, from her weighing me in front of all my family numbers at a family gathering and constantly calling me fat… there was bullying involded from peers but she had a larger impact) but I believe she was a “feeder” to control us. Think about it, when you’re heavy and excluded, who wants to be with you? Children are mean. So mother dearest was the only “friend” I had. She would saw me as the scrapegoat and my NS as the golden child. My NS never questioned our mother and got praise fron her. I am not a robot and will not be treated like one, thus the shaming and negelct got worse. Even when I was her minion, she called me a “loser”, “failure”, “weirdo”, and “fat”. Those wounds never healed.

When I was about 12, she began to loath me for being thinner and younger than her. I realized she was angry, the feeder/feedie relationship fell apart and we no longer had that BFF relationship. She wouldn’t let my go places or shop for clothes myself; a new way to control me. Later that year, she put me in a truck and said we were going to the doctors office; not an emergancy room. I was locked in a hospital psych ward for 2 months (unconsentualy from her..) and I came out worse. She screamed like a two year old on crack and I asked the staff to not let me go home. Cause I knew what was coming. My style changed and she blew up like a rocket. I could not be different or eccentric to society.

Moving on to high school. I became the queen bee of my group, I got excessive attention from boys (and a few girls!) and it felt like love. But it wasn’t. That led to a horrible sex addiction and multiple suicide attempts at 15. I started partying that year and tried every common drug by 16. I know, theres no excuses for that. I tried to come out as bisexual (which was *very* hard to do) and she laughed, “No you aren’t. You’re confused’ I was in a long term relationship with a girl and I had to hide it. She always asked why she couldn’t meet my parents and I never had a reason why…

Now this year (17), I threatened to call legal authorities and reveal her long string of abuse. Shes renting me an appartment, but we got in a fight and she cut me off financially so I cant afford to buy basic things I need. I hope to temporarlily patch things up until I get a job and education (no one said I had to do either… I’n such a wreck… but I was enabled so I had to rely on her). I dont know what to do. I have 1200, enough for a bit of food and a months rent. Kinda sucks, but I am so angry and resentful towards her.

Im not trying to slander her, this is from multiple people so why not say it? Shes almost 50, shops in the juniors section and victorias secret (she follows and pretends its age appropriate), coddles two chihuahuas and feeds them 3 people sized meals of fast food and other human cr&p, talks in a baby voice like michelle duggar, spends a ton of money on hair/makeup/etc, mocks people for self harming *cough*, and tries to control everyone around her.

BTW, shes killed 3 animals from overfeeding (health problems). Her dogs are allowd to deficate anywhere they please; including my old room. And bark to high h*ll, nobody likes them accept for her.

Thanks for hearing my story, Im open to any addice or suggestions for dealing with a beast like her. Good luck to anyone who is recovering from a mom like this!

Hugs from the northwest,
~Anna Starr

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anon July 6, 2015 at 10:48 am

Hey Anna,

First off, kudos for you seeing your nmom for what she is at a young age. You might check into legally divorcing or emancipation so you’d qualify for housing assistance and food stamps. I don’t know much about the process, but you will need to prove that you have plans to attend school or work to provide for yourself. Some lawyers offer free consultation and you might find a lawyer to help you out pro bono.
My nmom created a lot of self esteem issues for me. I am a busty woman and in my teens she’d make comments like, “I always thought I wanted large breasts, but after seeing how fast you go through bras, I’m glad I don’t.” She also constantly nagged me about being too skinny, cut my hair into mullets and made me wear the dumbest clothes. It made me a super easy target for the mean kids.
Don’t be ashamed of your past choices. When you have no real guidance it’s hard to make choices between right and wrong. I made some pretty dumb decisions as a teen also. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you recognize them and learn from them you will be just fine.

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Anna Starr July 6, 2015 at 10:29 pm

Thanks for the reply! It is an option, but I need plastic surgery to reverse the effects of a hormonal disorder that wrecked my face, so seperating from her may have to come aa bit later, or it’ll come out of my future paychecks.

That’s horrible! It would be bad enough to have your mom pick on you for your chest size, but even worse, make you a target. Most mothers would throw a hissy fit if you wore those kinds of clothes and a mullet?? I appriciate your advice and hopefully things will get better. We have to stand up to these kinds of moms or leave. Oh well, I hope you feel better about yourself now cause I bet you well diserve to.

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anon July 8, 2015 at 10:22 pm

I think she did it on purpose to keep me dependent on her. She acts like I was born to be her best friend, but only on her terms. She’s sick and I wish I would have realized her “love” and “concern” was actually just her feeding off my misery. But, now I know and it’s the end for her.
I wish you the best of luck with your surgery and your nmom. Stand strong and be you no matter what. It is such a relief to know there are others with similar stories.

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Monica July 7, 2015 at 3:09 pm

This is a great website. It’s validating to hear other’s stories about narcissistic parents. For decades, I saw the odd psychotherapist, and together we could never figure out my problem: a narcissistic mother. Now, thanks to the Internet, there is help and healing available. I read others’ stories and nearly every one has something in common with my own. A narcissist is a narcissist, only she expresses it in different ways.

It’s taken seven years, but I think I’m approaching normality, or as normal as I’m ever going to be. My mother is approaching the end of her life, and I believe I’m going to feel relieved when I get that phone call. I do not intend to be there. I feel like I got my final rejection from her when she asked me, a few weeks ago, why I was in a psychiatric hospital (I was 16 and just wanted the bullying to stop, both at home and at school, and expressed a desire to die to a school counselor.) Four decades later, and she couldn’t be bothered to ever ask. (I told her that I was getting beatings. A short time later, I found a post-it note on a larger pile of accusations against me that said, “Monica says she was getting beaten at school. This could be bullying. Ha! “Could be!” Or perhaps, of course, I deserved it, being the screw-up I was.) Back home, after that hospitalization, I asked if she wouldn’t rather have the money if I killed myself…she jumped up, gave a sob, and put her arms around me in a hug, and left the room. It’s been only lately, after decades of denigration, that I realized that was a “yes, please, I’d like that.”

I healed when I realized that my mother’s often loudly-repeated assessment of me as a worthless, helpless, sorry piece of junk was lies, lies, lies. It started the neuronal trains in my head going in a different direction. “I’m stupid” was overtaken by “No, actually, I’m very smart.” Two locomotives often vied for the train trestle, until “I don’t deserve to be alive” was pushed into the river by “I have as much right to live as anyone else.” (It was very noisy up there some days!)

I resent the thirty years of adult life I’ve basically lost because of my mother’s narcissism. But I intend to make up for lost time.

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Alicia July 8, 2015 at 8:39 am

Eureka! I finally feel like it’s not me, which my mother would have me believe. I am the most ungrateful child in the world, along with any other children she ever did anything for. Now that she is in need of help we have all cut her off. (Her words, of course) And if she had known then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have bothered doing anything for us (cousins and other extended family) when we were children. Everything is everyone else’s fault, never her own. She lost my sister when she went around our family reunion telling lies on her, but I hung in there much longer. She lies so much, I don’t think she even knows the truth any more. So many things on the list of narcissist types fit her to a tee, somehow, naming her issue makes me feel better.

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Renee July 8, 2015 at 10:33 am

To all the dear, sweet souls that are seeking the peace and balance they were born with and robbed of it from our mms,

As you have heard very often, it is not you or ‘us’. Until that fact is accepted into your heart, I believe the tussle of this experience will continue.

I’ve walked it , lived the insanity, even just had a haunting nightmare about it the other night. The difference now is that in my dream, I knew it was her issue. I dreamed she had her friends around her and I pitied them for being unable to undisguise her illnes. No doubt I was upset when I awoke but quickly came to the realization that I’m within a breath of the finish line.

Believe in yourselves. Do not undermine the events you have championed through. And while you may feel afraid of passing onto your children what happened to you, I truly believe you will be the exact opposite and it will surprise you. You will find joy in giving another soul what you pined for and never got ….. and here this enormous love is inside you.

We are not damaged. We are sane, loving, caring people that just had very sick birth vehicles. Don’t be afraid. You will surprise yourself and be the most awesome parent to your sweet new bundle AND yourself.

I believe you all and I believe in YOU.

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Terri July 8, 2015 at 5:06 pm

Thank you so much for this website!! Its been wonderful to not feel alone with this problem. Also to know that all the pain growing up was not because of inadequacy
and something wrong with me. I feel like I”ve finally unlocked the closet of painful
memories and as I sort thru them, each comment,etc. was because of a very sick
and mean nm! I am so glad to be away from her and pity her. I will not be at her funeral.
The separation from her started 25 years ago, but I”m just now understanding thru
the online book and emails what her true problem is. Knowledge is power!! And this
time she will not win!!!

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Michele Fralick July 12, 2015 at 1:07 am

*Blessed by your Encouraging Words*
“It is written …”

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Lost July 9, 2015 at 3:33 pm

It is comforting to know I am not alone, but at the same time saddening to know others are going though what I feel. I am in my mid 30’s and married. I chose not to have children because I did not want to be like my mother. When I was young (up to age 8) life seemed good. My mother was young, and got pregnant at 15. She has stated many times over the years “she never wanted to have kids.” I do have a sister 5 yrs younger, also unplanned and created out of “pity sex” with a different man. Neither of us have ever met our fathers, sometimes she has trouble even recalling their names. The 3 of us lived with our grandparents our entire lives. At the age of 9 my life changed drastically. My grandfather was arrested for sex abuse and molestation of my cousins (whom had moved in with us a couple of yrs prior). During the trail the family fell apart. It came to light he had molested all the women (his kids) in the family, plus others. At the age of 10 EVERYTHING I had left fell apart. My mom moved my sister and I into her boyfriends studio apartment in the ghetto. By age 12 I had moved 6 times and been to 3 different schools. While living in the studio, my mom tried to kill herself while I was forced to watch my sister outside and “keep her safe.” Just before I turned 13 my mom kicked me out and sent me to live with my grandmother. I had stood up to her physically abusive boyfriend one to many times, and had the bruises to prove it. at age 14 she tried to make me move back in with her, I refused. She bought a house around the corner from my grandmother and flaunted my little sister in front of me like crazy. She gave her everything I had every wanted, Saxophone lessons, nice cloths, sleepovers, makeup, playing sports (both school/private/city teams), sack lunches, REAL attention/love. A couple of weeks before my 16th birthday I was talking to my grandma about the sweet 16 party i wanted, she told me my Mom wanted to plan it out and already had things going. I was SOOO excited! I new nothing about the details, only that mom was giving me a meaningful right of passage. The day before my birthday I talked to my mom and wanted some kind of detail, anything. I was just so excited. She told me she was not planning anything and figured since I didn’t live with but instead with my grandmother, she must have been planning it, plus she did have the money. I was crushed! I had told all my friends about the “party MY MOM was planning.” After a few hours of crying I thought maybe this was just a ploy for the big surprise party she had planned. So I was able to sleep that night nervous i may be wrong but happy none the less. I woke up in the morning and smelled breakfast cooking, I went running down the hall and my grandma had taken all of my stuffed animals out of storage and set them around the living room. It was my “makeshift” sweet 16 stuffed animal breakfast. I was crushed. A few hours later I got a call from my mom, she wanted me to come over, so I did. Maybe this was the actual party?? NOPE she was laying on the couch “too sick” to get up. She pointed to a bag on the floor with a few “gifts” (crap she had laying around the house) She was too sick to wrap it. I tried to hold strong. A week later my sister, Mom and her boyfriend (same from above) were gone. no note, no call, BUT the house still had stuff in it. I was sick I thought she had left without saying goodbye, and took my sister from me. A week later I was talking to my best friend/cousin and she told me she heard her mom talking to my mom and that she had gotten married in Reno. She returned, married, and a week later moved out of state. This time she REALLY did leave without saying goodbye. Just a note on the door saying she had left and my sister was with her. For the next 4 yrs it was a back and forth of painful phone calls and finding out she had LITTERALLY passed my house on vacations, but never stopped to see me.

When I was 20 I was in an abusive relationship and needed out. My Mom magically showed up and I left with her to start a new life away from my abuser. It lasted about 2 weeks until the husband started in on me and my mom began drinking and partying all night. She soon divorced and had me find a new place for me, her, and my sister to live. I found something. I did the awful task of moving her stuff out of her old house and loading in the new house. My mom got me a job at the restaurant she managed. Work was going well. I was a waitress and began partying with my coworkers. (Don’t get me wrong, I still worked overtime EVERY week) A new guy started work, seemed nice. I told my mom I was going to ask if he wanted to get a cup of coffee and hang out. She said no, he was bad news. a week or so later she was banging him on our living room couch, which I was blessed enough to walk in on. After that went on for a while I found out he was on parole and an addict. My mom and I had been splitting the bills at the house and things were going okay. Then the eviction notice came. She had been giving him our rent $ for his fines and restitution. Mom could not face it, he was worthless for help ( even though she had pretty much moved him in). I was reduced to finding charities to help find a place for us to live. I had to look after my little sister, she was only 15. I found a place, it was a dump but it had 4 walls, heat, and I could afford it. Since my sister was a minor, mom still had to live there, but not the BF. That lasted a couple of days.

We are now looking at my 21st birthday, I was dating a new guy and things were going good. My friends had thrown me huge party. Then my mom and the boyfriend show up. She is telling everyone how she is going to “fuck his brains out” and then starts hitting on my boyfriend. Telling him mothers are better than their daughters. I left soon after.

Soon after things got really bad in the new house, I got sick of listening to all the LOUD afternoon sex, told her it made me and my sis uncomfortable, she called the cops and said I was trying to kill them. The cops almost took me away, I was hysterical, this whole thing was crazy and I felt like I must have been losing my mind. They agreed to let me pack 1 bag and go stay with a friend. A month later I moved back in with my grand mother. Pennyless and broken. My grandmother died a year later. My mom was a no show. She gave her portion of the will away and I was left with nothing, not even a home as it was being sold off.

Some time passed, I picked my self back up and met my future hubby. He is an amazing man! At our wedding my mom came and RUINED the wedding cake I was making, then replaced it with a store bought cake. During her “speech” all she did was talk about the wonderful daughter SHE raised and slammed my new husband. The DJ actually cut her mic. Then just as we were getting ready for our grand departure, she tells me they are leaving…..NOW.

A few year pass, a few more painful phone calls. Then my sis and I began talking. She told be mom had married the BF from the restaurant. Second time I have not been invited. I eventually confronted her about it, and she denied not telling me. One time though she did slip up and told me she did not tell me about the engagement of marriage because she did not want to hear what I had to say about it, I would have just caused problems.

Through the 10 yrs I have been married she has tried repeatedly to break us apart. Whether it be accusations or rumors of abuse. We have stood strong. He is a kind a caring man. He is my rock.

As my sister is now in her late 20’s, we have a better relationship, but she still lives with my mom. I have had to endure to keep the relationship with my sis. Mom uses this against me.

It has been birthday season for my family and that is always hard. I got 3 mason jar she filled with steak seasoning and a bracelet from claires. My sis got DNA testing to help her track down her family tree (which I got her interested in) and a few other items. It had always been this way. Sis gets the nice / expensive / thoughtful gifts, and I get whats left over. Almost every gift I have gotten from my mom has been broken. My “WEDDING CHINA” she picked up for 1/2 off at a thrift store and is not even a set for 4.

I was told by the husbands family “I am not a part of the family” “never have been”…..she jumped to their defense! We went 2 yrs without talking.

Then last year I had some health problems and needed to get a colonoscopy, endoscopy and biopsy done. I needed my mom, I was scared! So I swallowed my pride and called her. She said she would come to the hospital for the procedure. She never showed. They removed 4 polyps. On the way home I had a reaction to the meds I was given during the procedure. My husband called 911 from the side of the freeway (we were stuck in a traffic jam) They hauled me off to another hospital for more tests……she still never came to see me. She did call to make sure I was okay (alive).
It took 2 weeks to get the results (2 of the polyps were of the cancerous type) She never really checked up on me. FYI… the polyps were PREcancerous and I am doing fine.

I am sick of feeling like I am never good enough. I am only good for something when she needs something or wants drama to gossip about.

I was in a mass shooting (not shot thanks to my hubby). I am okay but do have some permanent marks to remind me of the day, one is a burn from the bullet casings that came out of the gun and landed on my arm……I had to calm her down on the phone while I was hiding from the shooter and pleading for help to get out. She did finally meet us at our house, and looked after my husband and I (it gave her good gossip). We were living on autopilot and fear. We still have PTSD from the experience.

I had a PTSD meltdown over the Fourth of July weekend (fireworks) She found me huddled up crying and gave me a hug and stroked my hair. It felt so good, then she said “at least I don’t have to help packup the cars now”

I am sorry this has been such a long read, aside from my hubby, I have never told anyone some of this. While I am crying, it does feel good to put it out there. I know I need to cut her off completely, it is just so hard, I don’t want to lose my sister too.

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tutu July 30, 2015 at 7:42 am

for Lost

I know that we aren’t supposed to diagnose, but I think your mom is probably bipolar. Actually I think that many Nmoms are bipolar I or II or a form of bipolar.

What she did and didn’t do to you is criminal. She is into stealing your men or having sex with anyone you are interested in. You have spent a lot of time in pain allowing this woman to do what she does. My therapist said to me “When are you going to Stop allowing them to hurt you?”… I wanted a family also. My therapist said my alcoholic/covert N brother and Golden brother were a Pretend family. I was the scapegoat too. My mom did a mild form of coveting my boyfriends, but not a full blown sexually attack on the boys like your mom.

There will be no kindness and love from your mother. Maybe you could tell her to go to therapy and that her decisions to have sex with any warm body is an indication of bipolar. Bipolar s make poor judgments, make horrible decisions.,,,, Your mom will probably never get help, but you should not allow her in your life. She has been harming you since you were born and now you as an adult, are allowing it. You have spent a life time rescuing this woman. She is out to use you and use men in your face to have sex with to continue the abuse. You could tell your sister you love her, but that you can’t be with mom anymore. You have the right to never be with this woman EVER again.

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Neptune July 10, 2015 at 1:33 pm

Thankyou for this website!

Reading these stories make me very sad.

My mother seems to have become worse… I remember walking on eggshells around her before when I was a child but it is so much worse now. Can people become narcissistic as they get older?
She was always someone I looked up to and admired. But you just wouldn’t know when the rug would be pulled out from under your feet so I always felt on edge and not entirely safe.
The problem is I always felt and feel very protective over my mother and she had a hard life, she was a victim of domestic violence by her father and then partner, a single mum and then in a string of long term relationships. She was attacked and raped in our house by an intruder and we had to be fostered a while as she needed support and couldn’t cope.
I am torn as I love her so much and desperately want loving relationship with her. I always worry that she could die and how bad I’d feel and I am feeling constantly guilty.

I left home at 18 and came back here and there, the rages seemed to get worse and she accused me of trying to split her and her partner up! My friends heard the rages and called it out as being abusive. I left at 21 to move to Paris- she was so emotional about me leaving I was confused.. and returned back to Australia to settle in a different state. We saw each other here and there and things seemed ok, but she always had some crisis going on.

Things got really bad when I married and moved to London. I was hesitant about the wedding as I already was experiencing problems – she did not want to hear any of my fears or support me. She just went on and on about the wedding and criticised me constantly.

On visiting her this became a pattern :
First she always had a crisis or illness, for as long as I can remember. These illnesses were valid – cancer, hip replacements, arthritis, but then depression here and there and other niggling less serious illnesses when there was no illness…and I came to help.

Secondly the criticism would start : my appearance, my lifestyle, my work, my views… first they would start slowly then reach a constant hammering. She would also be complimentary at times so I’d get so confused.

Thirdly the outright abuse started. She’d barge into my room (as she’d always done, without knocking), and start screaming. This happened 8 times in a row one night, screaming abuse at how bad I was. I was in bed with the lights off.
She’d rush at us violently as kids and even now her sudden violent physical movements were terrifying and I’d cringe like I was going to be hit, always in fight or flight mode.

She’d scream in public – cafes, the street, or whilst driving, calling me every disgusting swear word and her voice would change to a roar. I’d be sobbing and she would threaten to “bash” me. She’d end up saying she didn’t like me, noone liked me and would throw my bags and clothes onto the road. I’d be a mess and have to stay with friends until I flew back. Every time I visited over the last 10 years this would happen. Every time.

But I kept going back. I kept feeling guilty. I kept hoping things would change. She’d be so friendly over the phone and normal, and give me love and positivity. But it would be the same.

I was a dancer in companies and now a freelance yoga, dance and pilates teacher in London. For me to drop work and travel and take time off is expensive and difficult. Its like she takes me for granted. I don’t make a lot of money and am not in a marriage now so need to support myself and my future.. but I have to give her money although she won’t get her act together to rent out her rooms and get onto becoming savvy with the internet and Skype ( we’ve set her up and showed her repeatedly, and I’ve even sent my friends there to help).

She retired at 50 and I think was dependent on her partners. It seems she can’t look after herself. She blames my brother and I and said we’ve abandoned her and all 67 year olds have their children helping them. She tried to commit suicide and said it was my fault for abandoning her.

Recently I tried to make her listen to the pain she was causing me. She just couldn’t hear it…it’s like she has no empathy. It makes me sad because maybe she cannot help it. Once I screamed back at her. She threw water over me and another time called the police as I was mentally unstable – for yelling back at her.

I have had break ups and suffered clinical depression, but I have to shelve my issues to help and support her when I visit. I asked for sincere support once, even just an ‘ear’ or advice but she screamed “Support yourself! You’re an adult! I’ve sacrificed enough bringing you up as children!’ she’d scream this down the street at me, and repeatedly go on about how she’s “done her bit” bringing us up. I have been financially independent since 17 and had very few handouts from her.

I had multiple suicide attempts and was hospitalised. She doesn’t pay any attention to this when I tell her. I had a nervous breakdown and she didn’t check up on me – just once she called my friend. I was in bed for 3 weeks and had lost all my work.

It just is all about her. It’s like I am not even there.

I tried to get through to her in the nicest way, then directly by writing her an email – but she cannot get email anymore because she can’t handle technology (which is our fault for abandoning her-we help her every time we visit). I messaged her the email. She ignored it.

Every time she is challenged she hangs up, throws me out, denies, projects, blames and rages. She takes no responsibility for her behaviour. She just calls me mentally ill and paints herself as a victim.

Her last partner has left and she now says she is lonely. But she pushes us away with her bullying, guilt trips and terrorising.

I want to help her and love her so much. I don’t want to feel so guilty and to have regrets.

She is so fun and popular and charismatic and smart. But the other side is a monster. She is not at all nurturing. I don’t understand it at all and its the same thing each time. I blame myself. I have struggled with self value. She can be so kind at times with her words but I don’t know if I believe her because the switch is so fierce. It seems she is much worse now. I can’t understand what is going on. She fits the profile of NM this website speaks of. Can symptoms worsen with age?

This also makes me feel guilty as I feel she went this way through unhappiness and I could have helped that, if I hadn’t “abandoned” her.

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Dakotavet July 15, 2015 at 11:07 am

Wow, where do I begin. I returned from Iraq in 2004 to the Dakotas where my NG unit was from. I wasnt sure how much I changed so I took thing slow. After a yeaf I proposed to my girlfriend and now my wife. Her mother seemed open and affectionate to me. She even cried after I called her to ask for her blessi g to propose to her daughter.
Not long after we go married I noticed a change in her, and again after the birth of our first boy in 2007. I have tried nearly every approch listed above to through reacearch but out of necessity to try to bring peace. My wife comes and goes through thinking her mom is trying to get us divorced which is what a couples counselor told us one of the times I felt I had reached my limit of negativity, to believing everything lies is either the truth or has a complicated reason for making since.
Currently me and my family are not allowed at her place, with no explanition as to this action. She has not only ostrasized me from her place but from my wifes exted family as well. My wife is to affraid to talk to anyone to find out the truth as am I so basically we have handed over control to who I feell is becomming a more and more unstable person as time moves foward.
I am not sure if this will post or not so I will pause here. If it does I will continue. What I shared is the time of the iceberg.

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Renee July 16, 2015 at 11:47 am

Dakotavet,

You had found the fountain of sanity. Invite and encourage your wife to read, walk, cry, and heal with us. It is very frightening but the knowledge you will absorb will pull you from nm darkness and you will see that there has always been light shining for you.

You are not alone and sadly one more story that validates those of us that we’re born to very psychologically unbalanced and emotionally ill souls.

Reach out. There are many arms that will listen, understand, support, and cheer you forward. It is baby steps and you’ve taken your first.

Welcome. You are safe and can trust here.

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Tangy July 15, 2015 at 9:21 pm

My mother is like my worst enemy.I’m mourning the loss of a parent I never had.I have never developed proper,social skills as she ignored me to no end.She supports anyone who bullies or attacks me and let’s her other narcissistic family members have a go at me any chance she gets.She sweet talks me and befriends me when I move away but she and my father might as well be dead to me.They would turn against me and join the bullies and never defend me against attackers.I’ve found it hard to distance myself as I am scared.I wish I never trusted them but realized my childhood was a lie.I wondered why my mother was so mean with her gifts and her family members are so at odds.She was never proud of me and when I’m around her she ignores me but when I’m away she is so sweet.Her mother was the same.They hurt my heart.I want to be away from them.

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Ann August 9, 2015 at 5:14 pm

Hello dear, i feel your pain. I have similar mother or I should say I don’t have a mother either, well, all we can call them is ” ghost mothers” who never actually exist and the absence of a motherly traits imply their existence..I have come to the realization that the only thing worse than not having a mother is having a narcissistic mother. So be strong and hang in there. You dnt have to deal with her dirty looks n cheap talk, it’s all about her not you. Plus no amount of sob story of your Narcissistic preyer justifies your sufferingskin. Peace

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maru67 July 21, 2015 at 10:51 am

After 46+ years of thinking I was a bad person, that I was evil and incapable of love (even though I have a loving relationship with my husband and our sons -the two youngest of my four children that I was ‘allowed’ to raise- which I’d thought of as outliers the whole time), I finally figured it out in May 2014. I’ve lost so, so much because of my mother, including my two oldest now-adult children. I had been gaslighted so much that I still believed what she said even as recently as 2013, especially concerning her ‘raising’ my oldest son; and I only realized a year ago that she kidnapped him when she moved away without forwarding contact information when he was three years old. I had remarried after divorcing my oldest son’s father and my new husband and I visited to tell her that we were taking him back with us. Within months she was gone and only last summer did I piece together the facts when I searched through public records. My second son was sold by her as a newborn after I was threatened with police arrest and imprisonment (they did call the police on me but I was not arrested; same time frame during which she “helped” me with my oldest son while going through divorce). I did fight back but I was defeated not just physically but emotionally. Sadly, both sons were raised by narcissists, just different places on the spectrum.

I have not had contact with her since May of last year when she raged at me in front of my son while we were in a car for an hours-long trip home after my stepdad’s funeral. I don’t think she expected me to react the way I did (I didn’t raise my voice; I didn’t insult her back; I offered sympathy, because it’s who I am now) and blocked her on all social media including my phone. She thinks she’s giving me the silent treatment, her favorite tool of forced compliance. My oldest son does not speak to me because she has raised him to believe that I sexually molested him and he feels I abandoned him. I do speak to my second son, who’s glad I cut off contact with his “grandmother”. He has to deal with his own narc.

What affects me now is the loss of my sons, my childhood, my biological father (she left him before I was born and told me he was dead; I found him and met him for the first time last year), relationships with my siblings (which never developed) and extended family on my mother’s side; and the realization that I never bonded with her. Last year was difficult for me emotionally after the loss of my estranged stepdad who was my only daddy, realizing my mother’s betrayal as her daughter and as mother of my sons, and then finding my father.

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Chenchee July 22, 2015 at 6:55 am

I realize slowly when you unravel yourself from the negative strange thoughts the narcissist mother put in your head, you can start to see the little glimmers of hope and light you did have in alpt of situations. I remember once when I was 15or 16 my mother asked me to pretend my brotheer was my son to get a job in daycare. She convinced me it was a good idea and I went theough with it. Now when I actually went for the interview, the lady was so nice about it, that it just made me feel so embarrassed and I never did take the job. I never realized for a long time how abusive this. Now at thT time we were in no desperate financial situation or anything like that. I feel this was just a cruel torture from my mother which she probably would say was to deter me from teen pregnancy. Sometimes, theres no point dwling on this shit but u have to keep distance. Its like an ex that u still have some feelings for. You probably always will, but u have to break up for the sake of ur mental and physical health.

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anon July 23, 2015 at 3:36 pm

That sounds like something my mom would have done. When I was around 15-16 my mom pointed out a girl in my class who in our childhood was really skinny and through puberty became curvier. This girl was built just like her mother with a larger bottom and tiny waste. Just her body type.
But, no, my mom’s explanation was because she was a slut and that’s what happens when you become sexually active. My mom never once sat down with me and had the “birds and bees” talk. Instead she filled my head full of stupid, false information like having sex makes your ass big.
Anyways, I can relate. Those kind of games were the same crap I went through. It seems innocent enough, but it’s actually really twisted for a mother to do. Normal mothers have honest and open conversation with their kids to discourage teen pregnancy

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Phoenix July 27, 2015 at 12:27 pm

Reading through this site has been the most encouraging thing I have done in years. I now know I am not alone, or crazy, or delusional, etc. It also has been a sad and painful journey. Your stories have brought back memories of my childhood that I buried years ago. As painful as this journey is, it is the trip I have ever made.

My nm bounced me back and forth from hero (when she needed my help), to lost (when she had better and more interesting things to do), to scapegoat (when she was mad at me or just in a bad mood). My position could change day by day, or even moment by moment.

She is dead now and one of the most affirming things I’ve ever witnessed is that only 15 people attended her funeral. Maybe, just maybe, other people saw through her façade to the disturbed woman inside.

Courage my friends. Healing can be painful, but we have each other. We have a family here, brothers and sisters who understand and care.

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Farida July 28, 2015 at 12:26 pm

I’m really glad to have discovered this site.
Having a mother that is twisted & malicious etc .. ,can leave one feeling isolated –
So gratefully to see such common ground .

I’m from a Muslim background – my mum has nailed it – as she has set her up to be some
Religious saint .. I am the youngest of six –
Sadly all my siblings are deeply scared by her wicked way.
Hence emotionally dysfunctional
..

I have no contact with my functioning alcoholic
Bro, who also display traits of narcissist behaviour , as well as my sister .

The truth I have struggled deeply – with my family.
My mother – is now having to deal with the mess that has unfolded .
None of other kids bother with her at all – as she ages she is seeing the absence. But takes no ownership .

But I can say I feel I am turning the corner .
It’s their madness & as much as I would like to help her ( siblings)
It’s is beyond me – this pattern is too deep rooted going back to my grand mums days

So I have say balance is the key – I dip in as & when I really need to – then I carry on with my life . Have vy little to do with her – and if she does put me down etc – I’m aware it will take me a couple of days to recover – as it’s so sureal to have mother who want her kids to hate , compete , doesn’t really care for my well being .

Head up girls – we are fighters of the unseen abuse .x

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morrigan July 29, 2015 at 1:33 pm

My mother is clearly a narcissist and I have been the lost child mostly with stints as the golden and scapegoat. For years l was just lost and ended up diagnosed bipolar and on meds that I am now tapering off. I was very insecure about aspects of my self, generally feeling unloved and unwanted with fears that my mother projected onto me. And yet as I work through this and have come to not need her love at all and feel good about myself I’m still angry at her for how it impacted my life and messed me up because I thought it was bipolar disorder. I guess I am the lost child whose life was lost in confusion and only now am I beginning to get it back.

The challenge now or confusing thing is that I do love my mom and I think it’s more complex than her being a narcissist. She is that but it seems like now that she is 80 and I know the games I feel sorry for her. Her narcissistic behavior is still there but it remits at times which it did before but at 80 her world is isolated and nobody feeds it. She had moments where she was a better mom or not a horrible one though they seem to have been self serving in that she was that way toward a bigger goal rather than because I’m her daughter. Sometimes it seems like she loves me but them it is used as an example to hold over me when the narcissist comes out. I am used to it so it’s predictable. She is predictable.

And then I feel like maybe I’m hard on her and that she did her best. I think she is clueless and in denial but can have moments where she is less narcissistic but even then it will change quickly and she will use health as a manipulation. But she does have health issues. Anxiety and she no longer has people to feed off which I think has brought out other behaviors and fears. Hoarding was one but that is a bit better now.

I live with her and generally ignore her but do confront her on things. And now I see there is more than just the narcissism, which may have always been true. I do care about her but I have to keep my distance. It’s strange to see how she has changed over time due to not getting her narcissistic needs met and yet it is always there, the narcissism. It just has no hold on me like it used to though I still feel some anger at times. Less than in years though.

She really has no clue as best as I can tell and she claims to not remember being anything but a loving mom. I wonder if they really remember it that way? I know she did certain things many times yet she says she didn’t or doesn’t remember. I wonder if because I was the lost child if that is why it is so forgettable? Makes sense really. She seemed to have either disdain or disinterest in me for most of my life unless I served a purpose. Yet, I do love her. I just won’t allow myself to suffer for it.

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tutu July 30, 2015 at 9:15 am

I’ve been reading books for 5 years, on forums for 5 years , going to therapy for a year or more and I’ve decided that my narcissistic mother is also bipolar II…

There are so many stories that are filled with child abuse that should have been reported but never is. My parents had keg parties and allowed behaviors that should have never been. My mother can’t deal with reality. She married my alcoholic dad and I believe that people with bipolar make really bad choices. I would have never married an alcoholic. Mom’s comment is ‘she never knew he was an alcoholic’…My older brother brings out pictures off them dating and dad is hold two drinks in his hands. When my mom should have been reading on how to raise children, she was reading harlequin romance books. I’ll never forgive her for using me as the scapegoat for all of her bad actions. She had a choice to read and figure out life and she chose to deny any of her actions. But I sincerely believe now that mom has bipolar II. Does this make me more soft on what she did? Perhaps a little…But I’ve been stung so many times that I will not allow myself ever to be with her alone again. She will end up alone at her end, because I won’t be there to listen to her lies any more.

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curius July 31, 2015 at 2:15 pm

My mother is a narcissist in many ways. Many times when i speak , she says something to insult me infront of the others. The worst thing is that she makes my sister and father to feel that i do something wrong.I know evry time we go out together especially in front of young men she will say something like your pants are ugly , your hair is a mess, you look like a idiot , or something like this. I do not suffer psychologically , i have accepted it , some years before/ I believe that the narcissistic people are misarable themselves because they can not never be calm and satisfied.I think that i am a pretty girl. My mother was not really never beautiful. I am also more educated . So i understand her , but it is not my fault. Some times when i wear something beautiful she says to me you look like crazy, you are too thin , you look like an old woman , and she starts to laugh with my sister to gether in order to make fell miserable. I know that and i do not buy it.. But i do not know what to do with her.i feel uncorfotably when she shows her problem in front of other people. Having a problematic mother is not axactly a good thing. Especially when she insults you all the time. I have to explain t everyone that she had problems in her childhood and thats why she is a bitxh almost to everyone..everyone says to me that i have to stay away of her. Ok and then she will just stop being jealous?i do not believe this is really the solution..

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Susan August 1, 2015 at 8:08 pm

Thank you for the articles and insight into my own issues after being raised by a narcissistic mother. I was adopted at 6 months and to this day, I feel her need for me to be grateful that I was lucky enough to be adopted by her instead of living in an orphanage my entire life. With the help of an excellent therapist, I have realized my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. I knew something was wrong since I was a very young girl. Currently, I see the repercussions of her treatment of me and why I have had a difficult time with relationships as an adult. I married my mother’s personality and spent 16 years trying to prove myself to him. He was the first person who told me she treated me horribly. Today, I see and feel awake to my defects and accept myself and who I am. I know relationships are about care and kindness and not what I can do for you and what you can do for me. I have had to come to terms with the relationships in my life and how few were genuine and real. I would like an article on reminding myself to use my gut feelings when searching for new relationships in my life.

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Ann August 4, 2015 at 6:18 am

I tried to get the book & it says to check my email but I don’t have anything. I’ve also checked by spam folder

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Kathy August 6, 2015 at 10:06 am

So glad to have found this website. Thank you all for your posts.

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Sarah Jessop August 7, 2015 at 11:54 pm

Thank you for this article. I am 35 years old and have spent my entire life feeling that I’m just not good enough. I has affected everything from friendships, college courses and Jobs to my relationship with my partner. I will do everything I can not to be that mother to my Daughter who is now 12. I am lucky enough that I recognise the behaviour and hope I don’t do the same. I feel I’m finally getting my life together doing a pretty good job and being a caring mum to my daughter. My mum recognises none of it of course and sees everything from my job that’s better than hers, my pretty, introverted but sweet daughter all as some sort of insult to her. All I ever wanted was a “well done”. I still struggle with her hugely. I a bid to try and make some sort of relationship for her woth my daughter I allow my daughter to stay with her in the holidays as up untill now she always enjoyed it. But recently my daughter has told me she has started to blame her for silly misshaps or tell her shes no fun now shes growing up. I won’t have this happen to my little girl! I hate the effect this had on me as a child and adult. I am considering cutting my mum out of my life for good. What’s sad is my mum had the same issues with her mum, we never ever saw her to the point I really didn’t know her. I grew up with my mum begging me to make sure it didn’t happen to our relationship but she then behaved in exactly the same way. I just don’t want history to repeat and know the onus is in me to make this right not my little girl. I sometimes think I need therapy. I get really depressed sometimes because I feel so worthless. I just don’t want to pass this decay on. My little girl’s happiness means more to me than anything else in the world.

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Renee August 10, 2015 at 8:01 am

This is meant to share with all how pathetic, calculating, and so selfishly focused nms are on themselves. Actually it is sadly entertaining.

Our daughter’s birthday was a few days ago. I can happily say it didn’t even dawn on me to dread the mailbox a day before or day after a celebration. My nm didn’t cross my mind.

The day after my husband announced there was a card from ‘grandma’. I figured there would be an antic but powerless. The card wished our daughter a happy birthday, some of her famous words of ‘inspiration’ and then ‘it would have been nice to hear from you on my birthday -2 weeks ago.’ How lame!!!

That sat in her craw 2 weeks and, no doubt, she plotted and planned how she’d feebly play her guilt card. And the topper was that in all the years she’s sent cards off n on n loudly declared she has never sent late gifts or cards, (snickering again), how ironic her card came the day after. The antic was powerless, we didn’t give a hoot.

They are truly a sad, sick population.

This is minor to many of you as you struggle with bigger events ….. this the other side of the mountain (once you take your power back). It is no short road but keep with your work, readings, what brings you peace n balance. You will get there.

The best to you all —

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Confused August 12, 2015 at 8:42 am

Hello,

Does have a NM mean that you inheret those traits from her? Some times I feel like I’m turning in circles trying to figure out whether or not I’m exactly like my mother. Everything I do I analize and compare to what my mother would have done – am I as bad as her? Is it wrong to want to be different? What if I don’t ever change but stay like her or worse, what if I do to my children what she did to me?! How do you change? I don’t want to hurt people the way my mother does, I just want to live and be free of it all. God this sounds so silly as I’m re-reading it. I just wanted to ask, how do you know whether or not you’re a narcissicist yourself?

Best wishes, and thank you for taking the time to read my question :)

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Renee August 13, 2015 at 9:19 am

Confused,

I, as probably many others, have struggled with this very component. I think the very fact that you can even ‘courage up’ the question is a great step forward. Really! nms either can’t, don’t want to, or deeply fear self analysis. I wonder from time to time myself …. I don’t want to be a hypocrite nor repeat patterns that I grew up in.

We are all human and soooo not perfect. If I remotely think I’m treading in the sick footsteps of my nm, LOL, time for a new game plan! I think that realizing we may exhibit those tendencies (consciously or not), the very fact we can question ourselves, our actions, our intent SO does not fit the nm profile.

Just my opinion — hope that helps to reassure your doubts. I think you’re on the right track

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Christopher August 19, 2015 at 3:50 am

I am fairly sure that I have a narcissistic mother in law, and am after advice on how to support my wife. My mother in law, for the most part, has always gotten on with myself okay, if only on a superficial level. But she has stopped talking to us on a number of occasions for no apparent reason. Some of the things that I have read about this disorder makes me think that my mother in law is a narcissist. For example, when we got engaged in 2006 and my wife showed her the ring, she went all quiet and moody. I wondered if it was because she didn’t like me, but the next time we visited she was happy and took great pleasure in showing us that her partner had bought her ten rings since our last visit. One for each finger. I realised that her change in mood had nothing to do with me as a person, but that she was jealous that her daughter had been given a ring and she hadn’t. This seems to be a long running theme.
My mother in law seems to take pleasure from very little, but one of the things she enjoys doing is standing outside of her house, talking to the neighbours. She will often ignore my wife completely when these neighbours are there.
My wife left home when she was a teenager and tells me about how her mother has stopped speaking to her for weeks at a time, and as she got older months, sometimes years. When we got married this woman stopped talking to us for almost five years, and missed the first four years of my daughter’s life. She came back into our life when her partner left her. He returned to her a few months later, but she continued to keep in touch with us. Things have gone reasonably okay for the last four years, and she seemed to like the children, especially my son who was born a month or so after she came back into our life. She has never been able to show outward affection as such, but overcompensated by buying gifts and helping us financially. The children liked her but developed more of a bound with her partner, who treated them as they were his own grandchildren. They always called him by his first name, but he would send them cards and gifts with Grandson or Granddaughter written on them.
As the kids got older, especially my daughter who has a mild learning disability, my mother in law seemed to have less patience for them. We had seen a change in her over the last year or so. Nothing major, she would still phone my wife every night and keep her talking for over an hour, but had less interest in the kids.
My mother in laws partner was in hospital recently after having a heart attack. She was phoned by his son in law, who told my mother in law that she would never see him again. My wife advised my mother in law to speak with the hospital direct. She also advised her not to speak with her partner’s family as they always ended up upsetting her. A week later he returned home to her. I must add that this is an elderly couple I am talking about. She is 70 and he is 84.
A month later they moved from their home into a warden controlled bungalow. My wife helped with this because my mother in law asked her to. She spoke with the council for them, sorted out housing benefit so they wouldn’t be paying two rents at once, arranged the removal van, people to come and help clean the old property and unpack the boxes in the new house. There was a bit of an argument between my mother in law and her partner, which ended up with him calling his daughter and son in law. They came to the house to help. They spoke with me and my wife. We do not know them that well, so only engaged in polite conversation as not to be rude. There was an also an incident later on when one of my mother in law’s cat scratched me and then later on my daughter (now 7) kicked its cat carrier when it was in there. The animal wasn’t hurt and I told my daughter off and took her out of the room. She said she did it because it had hurt her Dad. I said explained that you should never try and hurt an animal. My mother in law was party to this conversation.
They moved in on a Saturday and my wife bought them a MacDonald’s. She made a stew for them on the Sunday which would last them two days. On the Monday evening after work she went to visit them. She was let in by my mother in law who didn’t great her with a hello but told her that Jane a neighbour was there. No one acknowledged my wife at all, nobody said so much as a hello. Jane was trying to fix the SKY TV Box for them and Ken sat there quietly. There were moving in cards up, but not the one we had given her, or the ones the kids had made. My wife asked her mother what was wrong. She said that the stew had made her ill. She went on to say that she was upset with my wife and me because we had spoken to her partner’s family after telling her not to. She also said that we should have put the children in a child minders on the Saturday when we helped her move. My wife explained that we had only spoken to the other family to be polite, and that it wouldn’t have been fair on the children to go to a child minders on their weekend off from school. She said that my daughter is badly behaved and that my son isn’t much better. My wife came home feeling humiliated and hurt.
I went up there trying to sort things out but made them worse. I asked my mother in law to phone my wife and apologies, she refused. I told her that the children love her as do I and my wife. She said that she didn’t care and she doesn’t want any of us in her life any more. She said that she never wants to see any of us again, and that the children are horrible. I lost my temper at this, I didn’t shout (thank God), but I told her what a bad mother she has been over the years, and how she failed to protect her children from her abusive ex-husband when they were children. I left her property taking every picture I could find of my kids with me.
My wife is heartbroken and wants a relationship with her mother. She has sent a letter to her but has had no response. We can’t phone her because she has changed her number (something she has done each time she stops talking to my wife). I went up there on my son’s birthday with two slices of Birthday Cake, I swallowed my pride and said it was to say sorry and we miss her. She sneered and closed the door in my face. She has another son, and two more grandchildren, who she never speaks to, and hasn’t done for over ten years. My wife doesn’t want the same thing to happen to her and our family. She fears not making up with her mother before she dies.
What can we do to make things better if anything? My wife has always said that her mother doesn’t love her and it is eating her up inside. The children have said that they don’t miss their Nana but they do miss her partner a lot.

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anon August 25, 2015 at 6:28 am

I’m sorry to admit it but understand what most of your saying dealing with my mother has always been like dealing with a bitter jealous older sister. When I went on my first date she helped me choose my clothes, told me I looked nice, then when the guy arrived she turned around and said to him ‘i apologize for the way she’s dressed, she’s not very feminine’..i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me..
Later on I had to deal with her deciding to ‘stroke’ the cat while it was curled up on my boyfriends lap, clearly obvious it had sexual overtones, and then one day he arrived wearing shorts when it was cold outside, and she knelt down in front of him and started rubbing his inner thigh, she was going on ‘oh aren’t your legs cold’..he left the room and I said to her, ‘you count yourself lucky you’re related to me otherwise my hand would be across your face’…
I think now I should have dealt with the problem that way 17 odd years ago, and maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with her causing problems between myself and another boyfriend now. He’s been told he’s wasting his life being with me, which is the same thing my last boyfriend was told, but it’s taken me 14 years to realise the connection and see she’s probably the one who is stirring up trouble behind my back and telling lies. She always points the finger at my boyfriends unstable mother and sister, such a great cover for her.
the lies and manipulation has gotten worse and more hidden as she’s gotten older, she’s now an ‘innocent pensioner’, with a daughter who abuses, manipulates and blackmails her, while I pay bills, loan her money and help her recover from 5 operations in 2.5 yrs, with very little appreciation, meanwhile her son who does nothing to help her is the one she’s most proud of..my mother misses out on seeing her grandchildren because of distance , and I think she does generally miss them but I also think what she misses is not being able to manipulate them like she did with her children, causing division and arguments.
When people deny others love and happiness, in the end they deny themselves they exact same thing..

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awakenow May 14, 2015 at 6:39 pm

Carrie I know how hard it is. I have yet to tell my story about my biomom, but believe me, I share your pain. Although I am almost at the level of no contact, complex circumstances make it very hard to initiate. She is very enmeshed with my teenage sons. She uses them when ever she sees an inch to do so. I could go on and on… I applaud you for your no contact efforts. From my understanding they will never give up on what was once their primary source of supply. You will have to be strong with your boundaries.

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Karl August 9, 2015 at 4:17 pm

Narcissists can’t love others. No empathy. (That’s different from strict parenting.) It’s true that none of us had a good role model in our mothers, so we may have a tin ear as a parent–thinking you know what what your kids thinks versus asking them what they think and really listening to them, for example. There’s often a lot get over, but it’s doable. That you are here, making sense of this, probably means you aren’t a narcissist. My mother couldn’t stand to read one single entry here.

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Renee August 10, 2015 at 7:47 am

Hi Karl!

Glad to see you pop up.

You are very right. nms couldn’t take a pinch of the whoppers they easily punch out. They are the best of the bullies and even bigger chickens!!

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