Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic mothers cause pain, but there’s much you can do to reclaim your life and thrive despite having one.

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I’m often asked, “What can you do when you have a narcissistic mother?”

It is a poignant question because we’re all an extension of our mother in some way or another. You, for instance, may have similar physical features or personality characteristics that make people realize you are a product of your mom.

But, how do you protect yourself when your narcissistic mother, the very woman who gave you life or raised you, demands you provide her with the unconditional, one-way love that she feels entitled to…no matter how she treats you?

When this is the case, your narcissistic mother may see you as something that she created with the hope to have a copy of herself for her own amusement. Or, she may see you as an object, like a piece of luggage that should serve her when she needs it and be out of the away when she does not.

If so, you may have been treated with such disrespect and abuse that makes it difficult for you to develop any sort of real relationship with your mother, let alone feel the love towards your mom that she expects you to give. To the outside world, everything may have appeared perfect, but behind closed doors? That’s where the horror was released.

Many a narcissistic mother is aware of her demanding ways and believes everyone should treat her in the fantastical way that she sees herself. She may live in their own little world where her accomplishments, real or fake, are of grand proportions that no one else can live up to.

To this day, her expectations of you may be ever-changing and not truly attainable.  If you have a narcissistic mother, you may feel you are never good enough, or that you must compete with your siblings for her approval or affection. And, no matter how much you achieve or strive to accommodate her, you will not measure up to her unrealistic expectations.

Why do narcissistic moms have children?

When a narcissist has a child, it is not for the same reason that others procreate. She does so because she wants that child to satisfy her unmet needs.

These can vary from the need to feel like she will always be loved by you, or the hope she’ll be more bonded to her husband by providing a child, or the belief she’ll never be alone, or to have the illusion of another chance at life and so on.

Some narcissistic mothers essentially want a real-life extension of themselves, only to be deeply upset about the fact that they did not receive that “mini-me” from you. If, due to being a child, you could not meet her needs, your mother may have withdrawn from you or have become demeaning, critical, and manipulative. In short, it wasn’t acceptable for you to be a child because a child is, by its very nature, needy and “perfectly imperfect.”

The narcissistic mother’s love is typically volatile and conditional.   Below are three common roles in which the sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers often find themselves cast.


The roles can be projected by the narcissist onto one sibling then the next and the roles can last for moments or years.  Even more confusing, you may have been cast in different roles at different time in your childhood.  Read below to try to recall what roles you played and when you were cast.

Lost Child

This role involves a great deal of neglect.  Your narcissistic mother was simply not aware of, or interested in, your needs.  You could be sent to school with clothing too big or small, dirty, or unmatched.

You may have been teased by other kids because you did not have enough positive attention paid to you at home to know what was socially acceptable behavior. You often felt unlovable or unworthy because you were not treated as inherently valuable.

Scapegoated Child

Nothing you did was ever good enough. What may have satisfied your narcissistic mother one day could disappoint her the next.

If you expressed you felt your mother treated you unfairly, she might have led you to believe that you were crazy and ungrateful.  The “love” and “thoughtfulness” she gave you through her constant criticism was to be treasured.

If you did something of value and worth, you may have been cut down and made to believe that your accomplishments had no meaning in your narcissistic mother’s eyes.   Or, you could have been elevated and bragged about to the point of objectification.  (See Chosen, Hero or Golden child below.)

Chosen, Hero or Golden Child

To be the Chosen, Hero or Golden child of a narcissistic mother is usually the complete opposite of the scapegoat child. You are worshipped and idolized by your mother from the moment you are born.

You are the one person in her life that can do nothing wrong and every accomplishment, no matter how small, deserves a parade in her eyes. You’re a representation of the best of her, the golden child.

You may become even more important than her spouse in a sometimes provocative and psychologically seductive way.

Lost Child, Scapegoat & Chosen, Hero or Golden Child in a Narcissistic Family System:

Many times, there’s a golden child and a scapegoat in the narcissistic family. The golden child is a “favorite” of the mother’s choosing. Then there’s the scapegoat, the one who gets the blame for everything, the one who can never be as good as the mother or the golden child.

The scapegoat never measures up in the mother’s eyes. She can win awards, get good grades, get into a great school, but it goes unnoticed or unacknowledged.

If it’s noted, it’s usually done so in a way that makes the mother look good, saying that everything the child has learned is because of the mother’s parenting efforts.

The Lost Child will sometimes be relieved to hide from the narcissistic mother and at other times be pulled into more attention getting roles.

Why Don’t Narcissistic Mothers Change?

Narcissistic moms blame everyone else, and too often their children, for the consequences their own self absorbed choices have caused. It often falls to friends and family members to point out the extreme oddity of the narcissistic mother’s ways and recommend treatment. Even when offered help, a narcissist is more likely to be offended than to seek treatment.

Ironically, though the people around the narcissistic mother can identify the source of their suffering, the narcissist does not believe she is the one who should change.

Therefore, it is unlikely your mother sought treatment for narcissism.  In contrast, she may have put you in treatment with the hope that you would become easier to deal with.

Children and spouses are the ones who often suffer most, not the narcissist themselves, because the narcissist doesn’t feel that their chronically self-absorbed behavior is just that. Quite the opposite, actually. The narcissistic mother feels that everyone else is at fault when things go wrong.

As a child, you had to learn from very early on how to please your mother enough to survive. You may have grown up to think that nothing you ever do is good enough and that you are not worthy of the love you desire.

Narcissism, at its extreme, is a mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD), characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, fantasies of success, power, and physical attractiveness that the person may or may not possess, a constant need for attention and admiration, and obsessive self-interest. These are the obvious symptoms that people think of when they think of the term “narcissism.”

There are a cluster of personality disorders, including NPD, that are on the narcissistic spectrum described by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and they include Borderline Personality Disorder as well as Histrionic Personality Disorder.

These disorders describe different chronic behavioral patterns often exhibited by a narcissistic mother who may not even be aware of how she is treating you.

In sum, the first step in dealing with a narcissist is to identify the repetitive hurtful behaviors rooted in how you were cast in the roles identified above.  Accept that your narcissistic mother is highly resistant to change.  Then, learn how to best respond to her negative behaviors in order to protect your happiness.

Why Narcissists Have Children

Why do narcissists even have kids in the first place?

I’m going to cut straight to the chase on this one. Narcissists do not have children for the same reason that emotionally healthy people do.

They have them because they need more mirrors, more images to remind themselves of how great they are and how they brought someone into the world that is like them.

Unfortunately for the narcissistic parent, this isn’t the case 99.9% of the time because as children age, they develop their own sense of self and their own personality apart from their parents. Then they become more of a burden than a blessing on their narcissistic parent.

Some narcissists become parents out of accident or because of an ill-thought out plan they created to have someone there to love and admire them without having to give it back in return.

They’re looking for the narcissistic supply which they try to obtain from anyone and everyone. They believe that having a child will give them an endless supply because their child must love them and has to be a part of their lives, while they’re young at least.

Narcissists see their kids as someone they can put their name on, a product that they can put out into the world with their branding all over it. They use their children to gain self-esteem and as someone they can easily walk all over. They want their children to take care of them and reverse the roles of how parent-child interactions should be.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in every facet of their lives.

They try to keep their children from growing up and gaining their own identity, fearing it will lead their children to leave them and go on to live their own lives.

Narcissistic parents try to control their children in four different ways:

  1. Guilt-driven: They make their children feel guilty and making them feel like a burden on the narcissistic parent. They say things like, “I sacrificed my life, my body, for you…”
  2. Dependence-driven: The narcissistic parent makes their child feel that they could not go on living without their child in their life. They tell their kids that they need them and that they cannot take care of themselves, their lives, and their well-being by themselves.
  3. Goal-driven: I like to call this the Tiger Mom Effect. This means that the narcissistic parent, not necessarily the mother (although it usually is), is always striving or making their child strive to be the best no matter what and no matter if the child is truly interested in the goal or not. They live vicariously through their child and ride on the coattails of their achievements. They may say things like, “We have a goal we need to achieve…”
  4. Explicit: This type of control is based on negative repercussions if their child does not do what they want or say. They withhold rewards and give excessive punishment if they do not get their way. This can be very draining on the child because they feel that they can never do anything right.

 

Most narcissistic mothers see motherhood as a burden and like to let it be known how much work it is. They do not take into account that children are not merely mirrors of themselves and that they are actual human beings with wants, needs, and feelings different than their own.

They often pick a favorite, or a golden child, who can do no wrong and grows up with unrealistic expectations of praise and worth. They also have children that are the scapegoats, the ones who all the blame is put on and are never worthy enough no matter how great their achievements may be.

They play the children off of each other for their own amusement, which causes riffs between the siblings that may not be mended easily. The narcissistic parent is always comparing the children and blaming them for his or her shortcomings.

Narcissistic parents treat their children in different ways. They either try to control them, ignore them completely, or engulf them and make it so they cannot develop into their own self.

A narcissistic mother fails to treat her child as an authentic person with wants and needs which may not match up with hers. She is completely self-centered and needs the attention to be all about her no matter what. If her child’s accomplishment is something to be admired, she’ll take all the credit for it while at the same time telling their child that they could’ve done better.

Parenthood is never about anyone else but them. For most people, having a child means having someone to take care of and love, not the other way around. A narcissist cares about no one but themselves and not even having a child can change their mindset.

Narcissistic Types

There are many faces of narcissism. Some of these may not be scientific or politically correct terms, but I feel that if you have a narcissistic mother in your life, you may be able to recognize some of these and nod your head in agreement.

  1. The Time Hostage: Your mom gets mad at you when you need to reschedule but assumes you will reschedule with her and/or repeatedly cancels on you last minute.
  2. The Quietly Self-Absorbed Narcissist: She’s socially withdrawn and odd thinking, with morose self-doubts and a relentless search for power and has fantasies of great achievements.
  3. The Nice Narcissist: She’s nice. She just needs you to agree with her at all times or she won’t like you.
  4. The Victim: She is unable to take accountability for her choices.  She looks at a problem and blames it on something out of her control instead of searching for anything in the situation she can change.
  5. The Attacker: She comes at you with attacks to see if you admit to anything or, as a way of expressing her fears.
  6. The Downer: She is so busy talking about why everything is lacking that she isn’t emotionally present to you.
  7. The Assessor: It is her job to critique how you measure up and point out anything you could improve on, not to give at least equal time to telling you what you do right.
  8. The Credit Taker: She takes credit for everything, whether she deserves it or not. She passes the blame onto others, whether justified or not. She’s always right, never wrong.
  9. The Jealous Narcissist: If you have it, she wants it or will strive to make it seem worth less than it is and devalue it.
  10. The Competitor: She lets you know you may be good but she is better, or prettier, or smarter, or more accomplished than you’ll ever be.
  11. The Operator: She work’s her own agenda at all times. She’s walled off in her plans for you and everyone else whether you agree with her or not.
  12. The Fading Beauty: She is not handling the aging process well and looks at your comparable youth as an affront.
  13. The Beauty Queen: She identifies herself strongly with her attractiveness and may have been the homecoming queen, the best dressed, or known for her beauty.  She’s especially bothered if you don’t try to make the most of your looks.
  14. The Innocent Narcissist: She’s highly defensive and extremely hostile but masks it behind a “poor me” facade of vulnerability.
  15. The Enraged Narcissist: She screams to get her needs met and projects rage without a filter, not caring who sees it. She doesn’t apologize for her actions.
  16. The Vengeful Narcissist: She enjoys inflicting pain on others and getting back at them if she does not get her way.
  17. The Passive Aggressive Narcissist: She sulks and gives the silent treatment and plots how to punish those who don’t give her what she wants. She is vindictive and capable of becoming a stalker.
  18. The Stealth Narcissist: She fakes an interest in other people and their needs and knows that acting concerned with get her what she wants.
  19. The Cruel Narcissist: She is never fair and her discipline shows that. She knowingly causes you pain and enjoys knowing that you are miserable.
  20. The Character Assassinator: She is always trying to tarnish your reputation by lying, exaggerating, or manipulating the facts to make you look bad and to make her look good.
  21. The Stingy Narcissist: Gifts, compliments, advice and money are given, but look out when you inevitably fail.
  22. The Wounded Narcissist: She feels victimized and the world is against her. She needs you to take care of her and aid in her every want and need.
  23. The Disdainful Narcissist: You are treated as though you are less than what she expected, a disappointment or failure.
  24. The Scapegoating Narcissist: Her life would be better if you were better, or whoever she’s choosing to scapegoat was better. And it will not be better until this person changes.
  25. The User Narcissist: She takes advantage of you and treats you as more of an employee than anything else. She uses you to get ahead in her own life.
  26. The Boundary-less Narcissist: There is no difference between you and her, you are an extension of her and therefore she has no limits. She intrudes on your space and looks through your personal belongings. She embarrasses you constantly.
  27. The Amnesia Narcissist: No matter what healthy requests you’ve made, it is as if you have to repeat yourself every time. For example, “Please don’t hug me or kiss me, it makes me feel uncomfortable,” is ignored.
  28. The Needy Narcissist: “You don’t give me enough calls” or attention. She wants more from you than anyone could deliver.
  29. The Time-Sucker Narcissist: You could spend every minute with this person and they would still feel neglected.
  30. The Mind-Reader Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, and yet they have read into something and insist it is true.
  31. The Clairvoyant Narcissist: You didn’t say it, you didn’t think it, but once they have said it you realize it’s true and it’s usually something negative about them (can cause identity confusion for you).
  32. The Touchy-Feely Narcissist: You are expected to tolerate her touching you however and whenever they want.
  33. The Holiday Narcissist: You don’t exist unless it is their birthday or a holiday where she feels the need for family time.
  34. The Glamour Narcissist: She is all about making herself look good. She buys the most expensive clothes, gets her hair and nails done, and doesn’t care about the amount of money she spends.
  35. The Rockstar Narcissist: She believes that she is the center of attention and it should always be that way. She’s the main attraction and wants everyone to idolize her, even if she really has no talents or reason to be in the limelight.
  36. The World Traveler Narcissist: She brags about places she’s been and makes up stories about the places she hasn’t been, but tells people she has. She has grandiose fantasies about how worldly she is.
  37. The Professor/Elite Intellectual Narcissist: She is brainy and seeks admiration for her intelligence. She uses her intellect to put others down and make them feel stupid.
  38. The Stage Mom/The Promoter: She lives her fantasies through you. She makes you do the things she wish she could [still] do and believes your achievements are her own.
  39. The Fashionista: She tells you how to dress and what not to wear—often when you’re already wearing it!
  40. Miss Manners: She still meticulously points out your etiquette failures– from how you eat to what family events you should attend.
  41. The Publicist: She brags about you to others but is excessively critical of you when you are alone.
  42. The Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde Narcissist: She is nice in public, but mean under her breath or when alone.
  43. The Forever Young Narcissist: When did you become more mature than your mother? How old is she, really, emotionally?
  44. The Hot Mama Narcissist: Sexualized and distracted.
  45. The Lovesick Narcissist: Always chasing that ideal mate or trying to win the affection of her partner.
  46.  The Enabler Mom: She is too distracted with your rebel siblings’ problems or her partner’s addictive behaviors and seems to get a bit of a rush or power out of rescuing.
  47. The Social Butterfly: Everyone in town loves her, she is a generous host, but she can’t be bothered to make time for you.
  48. The Hypochondriac Narcissist: She believes something’s physically wrong with her, you should be checking in on her. And, if you don’t, as luck would have it, she unfortunately has something real going on every once in awhile. Or, it’s nothing a reputable doctor will confirm but she’s fighting off her cancer, leprosy, etc. with special treatments she’s managed to find through her own sheer will to survive.
  49. The Financially-Challenged Narcissistic: She just needs a little bit of help for this umpteenth self created crisis and she’s sorry she hasn’t paid you back yet for the last time you lent her money.
  50. The Martyr Narcissist: Her refrain is “How Can You Do This to Me?”  She tells you that you make her miserable, suicidal, isolated, or some other negative emotion. You are told that, in one way or another, you control her emotions and that if you would just do what she wanted she would be fine.
  51. The BFF (Best Friends Forever) Narcissist: You are her best friend, she doesn’t know what she would do without you, unless she had a better offer, in that case you’ll just have to wait until the next time she’s lonely. You are brought out like a doll when she wants attention then ignored when she doesn’t need it (but seriously, when doesn’t she need it?). This is also a description of what is experienced when someone is another’s “narcissistic supply.”
  52. The Expensive Narcissist: She has ruined your credit through manipulation to use your credit.
  53. The Criminal Narcissist: Some narcissists exploit their children or others through identity theft, mismanagement of trust funds, and fraudulent financial dealings. You may or may not have been the target of her crime, but she doesn’t see the rule of law applies to her. She may have Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is a pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. As if the narcissism wasn’t enough!

If you found this article helpful, I encourage you to read my free eBook The 7 Steps to Recovering from a Narcissistic Mother.

{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }

Tonia September 30, 2015 at 8:36 am

My problem is my narcissistic MIL. This woman is so emotionally draining that I just cant deal with her anymore. She lives with us and acts worse than all 3 of our kids put together. I am tired of the undermining, disrespect, inconsideration, lack of privacy, space and time away from her. I have told her many of times to back off and not focus on us so much and to get her own life and she wont do it. I truly believe this woman needs some professional help but none of her kids won’t intervene (she has 5) My husband knows there is a problem with her but he has the attitude, NOONE CAN MAKE HER DO ANYTHING! I have completely shut her out because she is so annoying. Any suggestions????

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Revital October 9, 2015 at 7:37 am

Yes, I do have a suggestion. She should not be living with you!!!!!!!!!!

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melanie October 22, 2015 at 6:06 am

Hi

I would like to know how do you let your mother now she is a narcissisticMother.?

I don’t want to blame her what she has done, but I want her eye’s to open up.

Regards
Melanie Kidson

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Paul Basso October 26, 2015 at 7:06 pm

She already knows and she really dont care. You tell her and she will go into some form of denial or do whatever it takes to make you feel like a terrible ungrateful person coming with such evil accusations. You can try, but it will get you nowhere. Personally I went for no contact at all and don’t ever want to see her again.

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RA November 19, 2015 at 8:46 pm

Paul I’m with you on no contact I just recently understood that my mother is a narcissist. I’m 46 y/o and was staying at her house for the past 3 months. I leave at the end of this week and have no intention of speaking to her ever again.

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BlackSheep13 November 22, 2015 at 1:58 pm

RA,

I am right there with you. I am 58 and have been staying with my nm for three months and am leaving next week and I am thinking of cutting off all contact with both she and my two naracisstic sisters. I am grieving the loss of a family that never really was and that’s hard, but I think in the long run it will be healthy for me to just focus on me, my mental health, my life, my career, my happiness and get away from these horribly toxic people.

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Anonymous October 27, 2015 at 8:05 am

Melanie-

I agree with the post below (if you look a bit back, I shared my experience bringing this to my nm’s attention).

This illness is a very tricky one based on the fact that it is never the mm or gc but the scapegoat. You’ll never convince her and I do understand your attempt (from a loving daughter place ) to want to try. I’m not going to discourage you because sometimes that will be an element of your journey to begin healing.

Be prepared to have all of the strife placed at your feet but you must stand strong and solid about what is the truth, as her distorted, twisted truth is not the truth. Kinda like the sky is green when it is an incredible crisp blue.

My thoughts are with you.

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Renee October 27, 2015 at 8:06 am

Sorry all – that’s me!!

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Lindylou October 26, 2015 at 10:06 pm

Tonia, and Melanie, I sense you want to try to help the nMIL and the nMom to understand who they are, and help them become better people. You can’t do this because narcissists already believe they are better people, and therefore believe they don’t need any help.

If you go down the road of trying to help them see what they are and the damage they do, they will immediately turn the mirror back on you and tell everyone in your family and your life that you are unstable and mentally unsound. They will do this pretending they only want to help you. They don’t want to help you, they want to shut you up and make you look crazy. And a narcissist never wants your help – why would they need help from you, since they are sure they are so much better than you?

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Renee October 27, 2015 at 8:08 am

Very well-said, point on!

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anita December 11, 2015 at 6:33 am

Yep! No matter what you say or do, no matter what your intent, the final outcome will result in you being demeaned. Demeaned over and over again. You would be better off trying to look at your real intentions, those core reasons that drive you, and deal with the emptiness that you feel as a result of the lack of a healthy relationship. Can’t fix them, you can fix you.

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Bumbles January 25, 2016 at 11:34 am

yes, yes, yes!!!
oh how they love to turn the focus back to you. i swear it’s like i am being gas-lighted and i start to doubt my own sanity.
my nm and i have been on the outs since just before christmas and boy oh boy is she making me pay the price.
i had attempted to explain how hurt i felt that she did not have my back in a rather nasty situation that has to do with another narc family member. instead she was more concerned about what was thought of her than me. *sigh*…it’s a long story, it really is.

anyway when i tried to talk to her about it, she immediately turned the whole thing back on me and i was called abusive, cruel, unkind. and no matter what i have said since to try to apologize or clarify the point i was originally trying to make, i have been met with dead silence.
she makes me crazy, her versions of past events are totally distorted and she denies certain things that happened. why would i have these awful memories so deeply ingrained in my psyche if they were not true?
i actually asked my doctor for a prescription for valium just so i can sleep at night. this has made me a wreck. i am wondering if maybe i am the crazy one.

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commenter November 5, 2015 at 10:46 pm

When I was little my mom took me to church, a Pentecostal of something. They spoke in tongues and stuff. We watched this move “Burning Hell”. She told me my dad was going there. She then after that horrible movie told me there were demons in our house because he was evil. He smoked cigarettes. LOL. He worked 2 full-time jobs and even a part-time at a gas station back when they actually did stuff like check tires, change tires, pump gas, etc. He wasn’t around much, but I loved him. If he was at home on Saturday morning, no matter if he had already put in 100 hours that week, he would get up with me and watch Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner and even make the noises. He was the best. She finally left him after he had finally made enough to buy a nice house in an extremely wonderful neighborhood. Moved me to SW Missouri. Good old hillbilly country, where they were both from. She was joined to me at the hip until that time. As soon as we got here, she bought a trailer (from money she had stolen), got a job (hmm that was different) and parked said trailer in her mom and dad’s yard. Then she proceeded to dump me on her mother. I was from a nice place and this place just didn’t sit well with me. The loving mother I had known went into heat as soon as she got out of the car and sniffed good old SW Missouri air. I was left. From there she proceeded to marry 6 more times. Had already been married before my dad, LOL. By the way she was 13 or so with the first one. I always knew I had to go along with her whims, whatever they may be at the time. When I was 10, she dragged me to the local bar. She watched while some nasty 50 something year old man played with my ass. We spent the next few years in that bar. One of her ex-boyfriends molested me when I was 12 then the next night tossed me to his brother. They were both in their 40’s. In that bar I met my first boyfriend. He was 21 and I was 13, just turned so. I moved in with him, LOL. She didn’t give a rat’s ass. Anyway, of course that didn’t work out and I ended up back home. The drinking was indescribable. Her dramas, her BS all the time with whatever husband was there. Strangely enough, they were all good guys. They all treated me great. She was just unbearable. She used them to little by little get a little farther then threw them out. Anyway, fast forward. When I was 17 I got married because I thought you were supposed to. I had a daughter. Husband long gone by the time she was born. All of a sudden, mom goes into a transformation. All of a sudden, once again there is a small child (like the one I once was), all of a sudden I am a horrible person (like my dad was). This was 28 years ago. I just suddenly have realized what happened. She has trashed me all over town. I have a 28 year old daughter, a 25 year old daughter, and a 16 year old daughter. The 2 oldest have contact with her. I think they are beginning to see what she does. Her attacks on me get more vicious and stupid all the time. My 16 year old is severely epileptic and a bit mentally delayed. LOL, For some reason she seems to be the one who just doesn’t buy into the crap. Much to my mother’s distress. I cut contact a month ago after I ended up in St. Louis Children’s Hospital and after all the distress of worrying about my daughter with what was going on I was dragged out of the room by CPS because a call had come in claiming my home was “unlivable”, “the animals had taken over” and “my daughter had a seizure and was unresponsive and there was alcohol involved (with myself, not her)”. My house is extremely clean. I have 4 cats and a giant dog, yes they are welcome on our furniture. My daughter had not even had a seizure that prompted this. I have had paramedics running in and out of my house for 16 years. I have no warning when things are going to go bad with my little girl, and they do a lot. This is not a yearly thing, this is a monthly thing. It is not like I have a few hours to clean up and sober up. She didn’t make the call, but it is the constant mouth to anyone who will listen. She says this stuff to her family. She hates her entire family and tells me so often, but it is always “look at what I go through” thing and “I love my grandkids so much”. I am college educated, raised 3 girls not on welfare, and I am a very level thinking person. She makes me doubt the sky is blue on a sunny day. I cut off contact after the St. Louis episode 4 weeks ago. I just can’t take anymore.

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commenter November 5, 2015 at 11:09 pm

Anyway. I failed to get it all across. I was just trying to blurt things out. About the molestations and everything that went on, she gives this reasoning, “you loved to party”, “if I would have tried to stop you, you would have ran away.” I was such a good kid it was unbelievable. I would never have left my mother or done anything to disappoint her. That is the truth. I was partying with her, then cleaning up the mess. I spent from the time I was 9 until I was 18 when my daughter was born doing this. Then one more bout of a binge she went on when I was about 22. That was indescribable and culminated one night with me having to call the police. You do learn to take care of these people. My dad went on to marry a great woman who he has been with since I was 10. I have a sister who is a year older than my oldest daughter, lol, and a niece and a nephew. I am now almost 47. Anyway, anything that happened to me when I was a small child is my fault. I could have stopped all of it according to her. She makes me still feel so ashamed of myself when I know it is irrational to do so, I just want to kill myself and be done with it. But that is what she wants to do. The rational side of me is still there even when she is doing this to me, saying “no, LOL, you know what she is doing.”

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commenter November 5, 2015 at 11:30 pm

By the way, I bought my home when I was 23 years old. I have never been an irresponsible, out of control person. I have worked day in and day out. My mother worked for a year and a half after she came here, just simply to find a man, “slipped and fell” at work. Since then has been on disability, since the ripe old age of 33, all the while claiming she works harder than anyone else in the world. She once told me the reason I was working 2 full-time jobs was because I was too lazy to stay home and take care of my kids. I have always been a single parent. I swear those words came out of her mouth. By the way, she was not watching them for me, she required too much money.

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Kathy December 10, 2015 at 9:19 pm

You have done a fantastic job caring for your children the way a mother is supposed to. You have defeated her and surpassed her in every way. Just watch out for her sucking you back in again….they are famous for that. Thank you for sharing your story.

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LaToya February 4, 2016 at 1:04 am

Much of what you shared hit close to home. You are a strong woman and you should be proud of yourself!

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T. December 1, 2015 at 10:19 pm

Molestations are a tough one to deal with. My mother’s favorite child became my uncle who molested me from the time I was 4 to 6. Now that is a sick puppy. very hurtful all of my life. However in that situation what went around came back around and the golden boy will not even speak to her now over something simple and stupid. Unfrigging real how much pain a dysfunctional mother can inflict on a child. I am so sorry you had to go through a similar situation. As for her making you feel guilty when I finally confronted my other about her golden haired child molesting me when I was 4 and she had the nerve to ask me why I got in bed with him. OUR MOTHERS ARE SICKOs! Hold your head high and be proud of yourself . Walk away. If you feel the need to communicate send a card! Find a support group or a safe place to put the pain. All the best. T.

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Kathy December 10, 2015 at 9:16 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this. I get caught in her Web sometimes without even knowing and she devours my soul. When I read about others going through this I feel normal again and validated.

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Scott November 15, 2015 at 9:12 pm

Hi,

My name is Scott, I am the 28 year old son of an npd mother. I finally have went no contact and am feeling much better already. I have told my siblings that I can not have contact with them either, explained why, and cried with them over the pain. I recently changed my number and had given it to one sibling asking for it to be kept private. This number has since been shared, and my npd mother is telling every one and anyone to call me or post on my facebook so they can “save me” and she just wants “to help.” Realizing I can not trust that sibling I changed my number again and have block various people from facebook.

The bullet points of types of npd mothers has helped me a lot. They are very accurate to what I went through. My favorite is the holiday narcissists. We had big special Christmases but were verbally abused and neglected every other day of our lives.

I am reaching out because I feel like the things my mother did were especially bad. I feel like this person should be put in jail for what she did. Does anyone agree?

My npd mother is African American, and the children are mixed. She hates African Americans because they are intellectually inferior to her, and her special calling in life was to turn her children into white successful people. Though she also dislikes white people, so I guess somehow the children were supposed to not be black, but also fulfill her need to get back at all the white people in society by being better than them. Sounds like a great childhood?..welcome to my reality. She ran the house like a tyrant, would have a breakdown if one strand of carpet was facing the wrong way. My dad had been relegated to being treated as one of the children. He was just dead weight and a burden to her cause.The three of us children watched quietly every day, as she paraded around the house proclaiming how we were all ungrateful, she was the only one doing any work, and no one appreciated her. The daily rants also included how much she hated everyone in the town who didn’t fit her ideals, she made sure to tell us how much she hated our friends and told us all the dark secrets about them and their parents(probably made up). She would usually allow us to have one friend, we could go to their house but they could not come to ours(probably so she wouldn’t have to deal with us). Eventually this one friends would also be on her slander list. These rants lasted for decades in person and over the phone.

So the three of us children went on with our lonely lives, mostly in daycare, at school, or at friend’s houses. We became the successful perfect white children we were ordered to be, except for my older sibling who was scapegoated and is so emotionally damaged, today it’s hard to have a conversation with her. The fact the our skin was brown was never acknowledged, it must have been a secret. We moved frequently and the towns we lived in were very rich and we were usually the only non white person in school. There was never a reason given for the moves, I think she wanted to make sure we couldn’t form lasting bonds with people, also to keep out of contact with other family, and so she could have a fresh start and deny anything from the past.

I grew up lonely, pretending all the time in public. Hiding sadness, but being a star in school and music(approved activities), hanging out with approved friends, but also being quiet, never being able to express an emotion around friends. All my memories growing up are of situations I didn’t feel I was supposed to be in; because these kids are white, I’m not white but no one told me, they are rich have all the things my npd mother says are bad, yet I’m supposed to be them. They also have a functioning family and I’m not sure what’s happening with mine. I figured I was a golden child or hero child. I was babied my whole life and completely dependent on her.

When I was fifteen the daily rants became especially bad, I could sense something bad about to happen was looming, and knew I would not be able to handle it this time. The scapegoat older sibling had hated me my whole life, but now the younger sibling was hating me as well. I guess I was a burden to the npd mother and causing horrible problems. One day she announced(in one of her, life was going to be changing addresses), that she was divorcing my dad. Shortly after I went into a depression and stopped hanging with my normal friends and doing the ambitious activities I had been doing. I got F’s in school and would hang out alone at lunch or random people. During my senior year my npd mother announced she was moving some place two thousand miles away, into the woods, west of Canada. Essentially she was leaving the country.

My older sibling and I were left in the wealthy white town. She took my younger sibling(the new golden child)(to protect them from the other siblings and their friends). She told my two siblings she needed to move to save me, because I was so unstable. I eventually moved to another state with my dad and wondered around there after he left, alone for years trying to make a new life I guess. This was the saddest time of my life. The npd mother comfortably orchestrated her manipulation, slander, and demands for perfect success from her hideout in the woods. The narrative was, she had always done thing for everyone else, and she was doing things for her now. The three children were all completely dependent on the npd mother, and two of us were left in world unable to get by, with no family connections, difficulty with friends, as she mocked our pain from afar. Of course we had to spent all of our money each year to fly to her hide out(plane tickets there were expensive), to have the big family Christmas. I kept trying to please the npd mother with successes and bring the family back together, I must not have got the hint I was no longer the golden child but the scapegoat. I recently found out that all those years she was pretending to be pleased with my successes, but belittling them to my sibling behind my back. She delivered this information to me in a nice little hate filled barb a few months ago, disguised as concern of course.

So that’s it, the three of us children are all in separate states, alone in the world, as the npd mother pokes fun at my older siblings pain to me on the phone, and calls me crazy and emasculates me behind my back to the other siblings, all while playing the victim. The relationship between the three siblings is all be destroyed now. During an eight year period I eventually had low contact with the npd mother, and by the grace of god found some love in the world(something I had never experienced but it felt good), and built somewhat of a small life for myself. Perhaps time made me forget why my npd mother was toxic(at the time I didn’t know about the disorder), or maybe I just wanted to reach out the only family I had, and I decided to reconnect with my npd mother, and share the love I found. This was met with childish games, judgment, and abandonment. I again went into a depression drinking alone for two years. Any talk about the family history with the npd mother, is denied ever existing, is all my fault, is all in my head. So here I am today, with nothing but memories of wealthy friends, but feeling homeless psychologically and emotionally, and am no contact. Do you think this npd mother should be put in jail?

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LaToya February 4, 2016 at 1:20 am

Scott, I dealt with much of the same behaviors from NM. Yes they should be arrested for causing innocent children so much pain. Im on no contact since New Years but did sent her a text pouring out my heart expressing my pain. She ignored the text and sent a text saying Happy New Year! Im done with her and moving forward in my healing.

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Seneca November 21, 2015 at 2:35 pm

WOW! I read this wide eyed and screaming inside. I would scream out but my hubby and daughter are asleep near me. Thank you! Thank you! FINALLY, someone out there gets it. I’m so sorry to all those who have experienced this, but to know I’m not the only one makes me feel less alone. I feel like this is the confirmation I have been praying for that God won’t hate me because I just won’t out of my mothers warped world. Again thank you, my whole heart is so grateful for this.

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Kathy December 10, 2015 at 9:45 pm

I am so grateful to have stumbled across this tonight, I needed it. My brother is going through a horrible divorce and I have been supportive but she couldn’t stand not being involved or the center of attention so she pitted my brother against me. I start to trust her every once in a great while and this stuff always happens. I went to no contact again tonight. She will try in a couple of months to worm her selfish way back into my life. She even callen my neighbor, whom she didn’t know, to complain about me. My mother laughed and told me that when she became pregnant with me she tried to get rid of me by punching her stomach. She blamed me for my father’s infidelity while she was pregnant. She thought sharing that made her a hero for keeping me despite his infidelity. This is their twisted thinking. She faked a suicide attempt in front of a 8 and 6 year old to punish my father. She attacked my father with knives and I remember blood all over the floor. I remember the police coming to our house every weekend and wishing they would take me away. I am so sorry to all of you who shared mothers that did not and could not see how wonderfully you were made.

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Bumbles January 25, 2016 at 12:02 pm

i can relate to the self-abortion stunt! my mom always reminds me from time to time about how terrified she was to tell my dad she was pregnant with me. she has always referred to me as an accident, my father was drunk when he crawled on top of her and she performed her wifely duty. then lo and behold she finds herself with child (me). then she proceeds to tell me about having a whole bunch of quinine pills that she got from a nurse friend and she was going to take them to abort me. she says at the last second, she changed her mind, flushed them and never followed through.
so i have known most of my life that i was not wanted, created from a drunken coupling and not out of love and that i came very closed to becoming sewage waste flushed down a toilet had she swallowed those pills.

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Tt December 23, 2015 at 12:34 pm

Thanks so much for sharing! So many similarities. Finally, I feel whole knowing that I’m not alone. Thought something was wrong with me for years. Now I get it. 2016 will be the year that I’m am free.

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Elle November 30, 2015 at 5:08 pm

Hi, I am a 40 year old female from Sydney, Australia and have just discovered my mother has a NPD and am so upset I only discovered it this week. I can say she has nearly all of the types in the categories above. After a huge fight with her a month ago my father and sister now back her up even though they hate her and now I want to stop talking to her for the rest of my life but my partner won’t let me. I made the mistake of making him talk to his Dad after 22 years of not talking, so now he is doing it back to me. The difference is that his Dad is really nice to us but, my mother is awful to both of us (as we are both sensitive and kind). As a result of her I have lost all my friends and all previous boyfriends and I have huge Anger Management issues as she has got her way and made me a neurotic person thinking I can only react to every situation with anger. I am going through self transitions to better myself as I am very creative and have neglected myself for way too long. I have spent 40 years of energy on her rather than me. I am learning to deal with the thought that I am only responsible for ME and no one else. That no one can make any decisions for me and any consequence anyone has for their actions are their own.

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T. December 1, 2015 at 10:09 pm

WOW,

I never realized how many narcissistic personalities my mother had until I saw the list. 19 serious personalities…It took me 63 years to finally hang up on my mother and her over critical attitude and I really really tried to be the bigger person this time. She is old and I can handle her talking endlessly chattering about how beautiful she is and how she is the best dressed woman at the assisted living: however when she pulls the favorite child on me ( and he is my son) it gets pretty weird and steam starts coming out of my ears. I get pulled into battling the the web of lies with the truth. be warned and beware there is not way to get out of that web without her permission. It is her way or the highway

It is like she knows exactly where to shoot her arrow where it hurts most and enjoys every minute of it. God forbid I correct her delusions to the facts! This time she attacked my granddaughter and that was the final straw. I politely told her this is exactly why I do not call you and hung up.

Not our of anger but out of sorrow. #1 for not being the bigger person, #2 she is old and this is a time we should be saying good bye with heart felt love.

There are some tips on communicating with such a woman but it takes two to carry on a normal conversation tips or not. I suggest those of you who are younger learn to protect yourselves any way you can. Life is too short to be have such an anchor around your neck and the tide coming in. Love ya’ll Best of luck!

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Cindy December 3, 2015 at 10:02 pm

I’m 55 and just yesterday was enlightened that the horror myself, my sister and father have endured has a name!!! My father are sister are dead – how I wish I could have shared this revelation with them!!! We’ve been victimized by a horrible, cruel and deeply disturbed Narcissistic mother/wife for all these years. We each had clearly defined roles in her self-described hierarchy, it just sickens me the time that’s been wasted in this miserable life. My sister suffered her entire 54 years of life, my father the 49 years of marriage. I was luckier – being the most severely treated child I left at 18 and kept far distant from her until my father died 4 1/2 years ago. Now I’m all she has left and I am stuck taking her crap all over again!!! The nasty, mean, degrading attacks, hateful attitude, snide remarks, argument over everything, dissatisfaction with everything, cruelty towards my disabled son who I will not allow in her presence again etc etc. I can’t take it!!!! She’s 85 and I drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back EVERY Saturday for 4 1/2 years now because she refuses to go into assisted living or get an in house assistant. I don’t get home til after midnight because she draws the day out to extreme lengths. I’ve got 2 kids still at home, the youngest w/Down syndrome. I feel my time is much more deserved by my children than by this hateful, controlling, egotistical monster who treated me so wretchedly!! I have about reached my limit and am planning my ‘escape’ which of course will cause a huge upheaval – yay can’t wait til that proverbial $hi7 hits the fan!!! I suppose better late than never though. I am destroying my own happiness and the happiness of my children if I continue subjecting myself to this bizarre and warped ‘mother’. I am SOOOO relieved to find I am not alone in these experiences. I empathize with you tremendously – I know it is HELL!!!!!

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Blessed January 1, 2016 at 3:43 pm

I hope you will dare to choose to spend your precious time with your wonderful kids. You all deserve it!! It is hell to have nm in your life, I know. I just a couple of weeks ago dared to block her on my mobile, and my mind got peaceful. I´ve been living in her energy which is not pleasant…now I feel things are changing. I pray every day for courage to continue to walk into my own life. I feel the flow, the natural flow of life, finally. It is so strange and so new to me, but is the carrot I need to see that this is real, and the change is real. It is like taking the contack out of the wall. She is like poisoned energy and contact will help her infuse that in you. I hope you get out of the web. We deserve it!

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Bumbles January 25, 2016 at 12:15 pm

the guilt weighs heavy, especially when the nm is a senior. my own mom is going to be 89 next month and she is as sharp as a 20 year old. she is very independent, healthy and has an active social life. one where she is center of attention, the majority of the time and that suits her just fine.
when i had my falling out with her recently, i have been crushed under a ton of guilt. how could i treat my mother this way at her age. i should be the one compromising because of the “lateness of the hour”. but i have been doing that all my life and i think i am now running on empty. i don’t know how to fix this and frankly even if we do end up speaking again, my trust is completely gone. i think we will end up with a very superficial relationship. just talking about the weather and her busy life is going to be the way it goes. i will never bring my feelings up to her ever again.

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inspirational73 December 12, 2015 at 6:21 am

omg, I’m sitting here crying reading everyone’s comments.. (well I struggle even to do that) as my bpd/npd mother has issues with expressions of grief and along with severe lifelong scapegoating has named me the ‘problematic/overly sensitive/too emotional one.. who was (as Michelle wrote in blog) taken to therapy so ‘i’ could be changed as ‘I’ was apparently the problem! not that I was a mess bcoz my childhood/family “home/ safe place” was full of abuse and trauma on every level! I’m 42 now and have had an exhausting life, attracting similar treatment along the way to reinforce the trauma.. luckily I have a Strong, determined Spirit within me, which is equally intent on helping me Heal.. so despite it being fair to have gone mad by now.. I am.still sane :) but have massive battle scars.. emotionally and mentally of course but also having developed 4 auto immune diseases… where my body attacks itself.. unsurprising response from a Scapegoat huh! :-! oh and empathic, hsp too so have absorbed energetically every disowned piece of crud from each family member projected at me also.. spoken or not.. The bit I’m currently struggling with the most in working through healing from.all this… is that she still manages to make me believe she’s normal and legitimately the victim and everyone else is wrong. it drives me crazy that I still doubt MY sanity even after my body has broken down and I struggle so much just to live a normal existence (which around her I feel it’s not possible) and yet I’m still.questioning if ‘I’M’ the unreasonable one, Holy beep! aargh how does.this stop?! I went zero contact.for 2 years (+ 3 other siblings) as siblings joined in on her scapegoating also!! but thru my health/financial circumstances with my health bad to do the previously unthinkable and move back in with her.. (which omg she resents! can u imagine 😛 and I’m struggling beyond belief… As an adult I can see so much of her traits but I still can’t unhook.. and my body contracts constantly in her presence.. not ace when trying to heal your physical body as well! and her version of reality STILL has me.doubting MYReality and Truth Aaaargh. On the positive I am.so happy (altho sad we go thru such things) to find this site and hear or read others stories which lend strength to the possibility that maybe I am ok.. and sane.. this IS REAL, these ladies are UNWELL and I’m not crazy! thanks.for listening :) Love and Much strength to all od us x

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Blessed January 1, 2016 at 3:55 pm

Yes, you are sane. You are sane, and your body has gotten so much poison that it reacts like this. No wonder. I have too wondered many times if i was crazy, and still has wondered, it feels like a brainwash, and it is. What you went through is real and you are sane. Love and strenght to you.

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alexandrala January 16, 2016 at 12:45 am

I’m 46 and was first put in therapy at age 12. I’d already secretly tried to kill myself once and had started binge drinking. While I was growing up, my mother continually put me me situations where I was abused and mistreated by others, sometimes in the same room, in which she seemed to think it was normal. Afterwards, she’d deny it happened or, if if there was no denying and I expressed distress, I was punished and then ignored. She convinced me that everything I felt, said, or did was because i was trying to “get back at her” or “acting out at her”. When other kids were dying bits of hair at age 15, I got thrown in my room after experimenting with peroxide, psychially forced to dye my hair back to brown, and grounded for a month. Because she said that it would upset my grandparents and I was going it to hurt her. All I wanted was to be punk… When I’d get dresssed for school, she’d refuse to let me down the stairs because she said I was “crossing the line” of decency by using curtains I’d scavenged from thrift stores to wear as sarongs. I was a highly creative kid and my appearace was the one place I had come way of communicating my individuality. I’m realizing now the shaming and controlling she did was just one facet of my mother’s narcissism. To this day, she doesn’t listen to what i say. About anything. Conversations with her don’t happen. I listen, and always have- to the smallest details of her life. I have to be her rapt audience for all the fabulous things she does. I have to be shown the beautiful things she buys herself and the places she decorates.

If she has anything to say to me directly and about me, it’s to give me advice. She can spend hours telling me what she thinks I should do, how to do it and why– all of course because she’s trying to help me. Any time I say to her, I just really need for you to be here with me and pay attention to my feelings.” she freaks out and says that’s always what she does.

So I’ve essentially been in therapy, gotten sober, done a crazy amount of “self” work all with the undewrlying belief that I’m a fucked up and helpless person. In fact, I’m only fucked up and helpless when I’m around her or when my childhood/inner child experience is triggered. I’ve mistaken her sickness for my own soul. JUst this past month, after fleeing to the west coast and putting 3000 miles between us, she decided to visit me for two weeks and I lose my voice and can’t say no. By the second day I was so emotionally blown out couldn’t speak and was having cascading panic attacks that left me virtually dissociated and paralyzed. I felt to a silent meditation retreat, the one place I knew she wouldn’t follow me because she needs an audience to talk at, and you can’t do that where people meditate.

I felt for as long as I can remember that I was responsible for her feelings, even her life because she’d always tell me that I was ruining her life. And every time something fucked up happened to me, that she was a part of causing and perpetuating, she’d conveniently forget it ever happened and then when I fell apart, I’d get sent to yet more doctors and therapists. I was the mental patient who was expressing sanity, put away and locked up by the insane one. Only from the vantage point of acquaintances and strangers, she always looks perfect. And she plays the part of victim and helpless bystander so well that most people would never know.

I’ve developed serious autoimmune diseases as a reult of the constant stress and self-hatred. I lack the fundamental self-love that a sane person feels when she is wounded. I blame my self for all my pain and wounds, and often times wish I were dead. This is, I know, what my mother felt about me, hidden under her layers of perfectionism and posturing. She wanted me dead because I was too much trouble and deviated from her plan of having a little girl who could be her perfect reflection.

After my mom left this xmas and I came back from the meditation retreat, I saw just how powerful contact with her is. i literally want to die when I’m in her presence. It’s been over a month now since I spoken to her and I have no intention of reestablishing contact. My father is also a narcissist (they divorced 40 years ago and have never spoken since) but with him, I never had needs nor dependencies. My mother made sure to always provide a house and food and dental care (always with “everything I’m doing is for you, so don’t you ever need or ask for anything else, you’re already practically killing me…” It’s taken me 46 years to see that while most of my life has been spent in therapy and even mental hospitals, that I am not the one who is sick. She has NEVER admitted to being part of the problem or cause. She refuses therapy. It’s always me, it always has been. So now there’s a battle going on in my brain, because i’ve been trained to always think about her feelings first, her emotional needs, her reputation, her responses and troubles, rather than what I feel, think. need. It’s like discovering I’ve been under a cruel spell, have been breathing in this woman’s poisonous vapors which she forces me to call “love”. It’s my own self that now needs to discover what this word means and how I can start to know and love myself directly. It takes incredible courage and probably a lot of pain for any of us to cross the line of perception and shine the light into the eyes of the person who has been telling us how to see. I hope we can all maintain this courage, and stand on the basis of our deep, inner truth that we’ve been harmed by the person who supposeldly loves us the most and who will never admit to it.

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Thea Anderson December 21, 2015 at 5:23 am

Thank you so much for the very helpful video & the absolutely brilliant PDF. You’ve just nailed it all in such a clear, empowering & insightful way.

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Jerome December 26, 2015 at 12:46 am

My narc disc discarded with my 3 year old son,but I need advise on how to destroy the narc mother,she’s sick and evil and has been my narcs enabeler,she and her sexual abuser husband and for 5 years I have tried to keep narc away from this evil witch,she has this cunning way of forcing her way,and believe they are Gods gift to the world,this witch has no shame,I would like to know,by when does the narc and narc mother start disagreeing after the festive season,and after sucking her narc dry?

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Ken December 26, 2015 at 11:56 am

I have written to this site before and love revisiting every so often to read more and more comments that others keep leaving here. For some reason, it makes me feel more sane and it also helps to reinforce the idea that my no-contact rule, of nearly 10 years, with my parents, was the right choice to make!

Yesterday being Christmas, I was at a brother’s house and spent a wonderful day with him and his family. It was the first time that I felt most as ease during the holiday season than I’ve felt in years!

After the rest of the guests left my brother’s home, my brother and I got into a conversation about our parents. He has little love for them as do I, however I do have just a bit more love for them as long as a distance is being kept. It seems that as our parents have aged, their anger, bitterness, resentment has only grown stronger than ever before and now has included a few more people than I remember. They moved to Tennessee several years ago, where my dad’s brother and sister-in-law have resided for nearly 20 years now. Their relationship with my dad’s brother and his wife is now strained as well. It also seems that our mother recently destroyed a 60-year friendship between our dad and one of his friends that he’d known since his school days with her lies and accusations! And, as a matter of fact, when our parents do call my brother….it’s often to tell him all about our youngest brother, the Golden Child, and what he’s been up to, what he’s said, or the newest things happening in his life! They rarely speak to their grandkids, but when they do….they again bring up the Golden Child’s accomplishments and appear totally disinterested in what’s going on in their grandchildrens’ lives!

Our dad, apparently, will sometimes call my brother, only to have the conversation cut short by our mother’s constant nagging and name-calling in the background. He can’t even be on the phone for more than 2 or 3 minutes without her starting her crap with dad and it makes for an extremely distracted phone call, to say the least! Dad winds up cutting the call short due to her increasingly and rapidly developing rage while he’s on the phone.

As far back as my memory goes, I can recall many of the times she cut our father down and undermined him in front of us kids!! Many times, he got the same treatment that we got!! And if that wasn’t good enough to suit her needs and/or if she was feeling unloved and unappreciated, she’d try the following tactic: to tell him over and over how they’re raising 4 ungrateful bastards who won’t mind her and do what they’re told! Eventually, he’d “lose his cool” and really “go off” on us with a rage that no child should ever have to endure! She’d have dad literally beat us down and living in fear of him, to show us the power she’s got over the entire family! She wanted to take away “our hero” and show us that she can even control him! Whether it was by cutting him down and demeaning him, or if it was enraging him against us….she let it be known, loud and clear, that she had the control and that only SHE could make it stop, but only if we listened to her and followed her every demand to the utmost perfect letter! But even then, what few times we were able to attain her demands, it was still never good enough and she’d be off to find another situation to brew up, so that chaos would still reign in our home. And if that proved insufficient to meet her totally outrageous demands for attention….she’d just beat the hell out of us and tell us exactly what she though of us, whether it was true or not!

Now that I listen to the stories of mom and dad’s adventures through their self-made hell through my brother, and all that goes on between them and various others…..I now feel completely and utterly satisfied that my no-contact rule was, in fact, the best choice I ever could’ve made nearly a decade ago! And now that I know they’re in their 70’s, have lost their very sizeable nest egg, not to mention that our dad still has to work at age 71 in order for them to survive while mom goes on and on about how successful they were/are as parents and grandparents and acts as though she’s so high and mighty and in control of everyone and everything….I am satisfied knowing that all those years my father worked for Xerox and the handsome severance package he received for early retirement….is all gone!! All mom’s judgments against us and our chosen way of life, as well as the grandkids’ chosen career paths, it’s all nothing more than a puff of smoke! Her judgments and lies and put-downs mean nothing and it’s done just to cover up hers and dad’s own bad choices and lack of insight and toxicity!

As far as I’m concerned, she can keep her Golden Child. Let him deal with their toxicity, anger, bitterness and resentments. Let him put up with their nonsense! He hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years now, despite my attempts to contact him. I’m all done regretting my no-contact choice and/or wondering how God will deal with me over the decision I made to cut them off. The more my brother informs me of the newest developments with the parents, the more and more comfortable I feel with my own choice that I’ve made. There are no more regrets here…..NONE! I used to mourn the loss of the familial relationships that I was supposed to have with both parents and it took me many years to come to terms with that….but now, I’m glad I’ve healed and I’m happy with who I am. And I’ve already shed tears for our family that never truly was.

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charity December 26, 2015 at 10:56 pm

Wow, I love this website!

I only figured out, like alot of other posters, a few years ago my NM and GC Brother have a category for their behavior. Its actually nice to see it in writing.

I am 40, and left the NM and GC brother and moved out at age 13 to live with my father who had been divorced from NM by this time for 10 years. GC Brother stayed, although life was rough he was convinced he would see it through to get put through college and have a white collar life. And he did.

I didnt know it at the time but NM never missed a chance to berate me or make up stories about me in one fashion or another when given an opportunity to do so to other family members.

GC brother, 2.5 years younger, has had no interest in having a relationship with me despite my numerous attempts to build one after he moved out on his own. It did not seem to matter any effort I put forth. I moved to be near him 800 miles away and got a job and an apt, and tried to build a friendship with him, it never took off. I found lots of other cool people there though so that was nice.

I was the scapegoat. Always, and not only with NM and GC brother, but with all the aunts, uncles, Maternal Grandmother and grandfather, cousins, ect.. all of them.

I only ever had my dad, and my dad was like me he was also shunned by the NM and all her family, which is why they ended up divorced.

I think there may be something to the Genetic component theory. I know my dad said it happened right after I was born, it was like a light switch, one day she was not a NM and the next she was. My baby book reads like a science experiment, and a bad one at that. “Two weeks old and she cant feed herself yet, she needs to pick up the pace”. Like that…then it just stops at about the same time my brother was born.

She kept me on “Room Restriction” for most of 3rd, 4th,5th,6th,7th, and half of 8th grade-That is until Xmas day 1989.

I had been off Room Restriction for exactly 2 weeks, my report card came, all As,Bs, but OH NO I got a C in Citizenship in History Class due to “lack of class participation”. She ordered me right back on “Room Restriction”. I told her I was “Done, I am moving to dads house right now” She took back all my xmas gifts, and told me she was taking my braces away, and that I was free to leave but I would be taking nothing with me.
So I left.

9th grade she wrote me letters for a long time, NM was having some kind of surgery, poor mother, then she was mad because I did not respond.

10th grade she asked me to come visit her at her new home some 800 miles away, and I did for the summer. It was terrible and I could not wait to leave. She wanted me to stay and she would give me all kinds of rewards. I did not.

12th grade she called my school principal and tried to have me thrown out of school because “my daughter is not worth what the tax payers are paying to have her get an education”. I know this because he called me into his office and said he has never had a parent call to tell him to throw out their kid, only ever to not throw out their kid. Lucky for me I was 18 and she had no more control within the schools on me. Good Lord, Had she been doing this all along I thought. She told him I was not worth the teachers salary to teach me and would never graduate.

However when I did Graduate, she did not miss this opportunity to fly down and take credit for my graduating, because you know I have a 70IQ and all.

She told all kinds of relatives I had a 70IQ and would amount to “nothing”.
I tested out of most of JC when I did my general testing Req to get in.

She convinced my grandmother I was no good, and had no friends and would not amount to anything. my grandmother would parrot these things back to me in conversation. I would ask her where she heard such nonsense and she would tell me “your mother would not lie dear”. I still have most of the same friends I made during those first few years at My fathers after I moved. My god it would never end.

Last few years of my grandmothers life I just could not talk to her anymore, she was so condescending, mean nasty and would spout all these things my mother told her that never happened. I wondered if my mother got this from my grandmother and I had just never seen it.

April 2011 I was getting married and all she could do was talk about my GC Brother and his successes. I yelled at her and told her to stop talking to me. Then GC got mad because I invited none of those people to my wedding. My husband Myself and our son went to Vegas Got married went and had Buffett and thats it. We sent out photo-cards afterwards, but really why go to all that trouble, I didn’t want ANY of those people there and my dad does not travel well. So it was just us, and to this day I love that decision.

NM and I last spoke on the phone in Aug 2008.
GC Brother has had near no contact with me for YEARS now. Last conversation Nov 2011, he said he wanted me to make up with NM, basically put if I didnt make up he had no interest in any kind of friendship. That suits me just fine. I am done. I have been done a long time now.

In Sept 2011 when Grandmother died, she kept both my and my sons CD my grandmother had put away for us ten years before, she kept me up to date on it what bank it was with, when she reinvested it at what rate ect..
10K for my son, and 10K for me, 10K for GC bro. NM took it all, said she paid for the Nursing home bills. Yeah well I requested the records and Medicare paid it all. So who knows. I think GC bro got his but does not want to talk about it, because he acted like it was all ok she took his 10K CD and kept it, had no reaction when I told him.

They are horrible people, and I am only on the outside, I have been for years. I like it better. I have been with my husband since 2003, have a great 12 YO son, love being a parent, we have a stable home, and it bares no resemblance to what I had growing up. None. NM has only seen my son about 4 times, last time was Feb 2008. She invited us up, we then rented a car and made the drive, and when we got there she “was going on vacation, she will see us next time” I told her “There wont be a next time”. And there wasn’t.

I had a lot of outside influences after I moved to me dads, I met all kinds of cool families through school friends, and I had a lot of exposure other than what happened with NM and GC bro. They are limited within their own hell. Self perpetuating hell.

I thank god I got away, not unscathed, but definitely better than GC faired in the end.
There are times I miss not having a mother, but she was never my mother, she had me but was incapable of loving me and told me more than once “i don’t have a daughter”.

Cheers to all of the survivors of NM and GC siblings. It is a hard wrath to decipher. I am a big believer in “Outa sight outa mind” when it comes to them kind.

Take care-Happy new year

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Tania December 27, 2015 at 6:09 am

Wow I’m Tania I’m 23 years old I used to think after my epilepsy was gone as a child something wasn’t right always tried my best winning my mums love and approval but nothing worked and she made me think I was crazy and need help I went to a physic for the first time and she told me to get this book your not crazy it’s your mother and it changed my thoughts I couldn’t believe it a book that explains my mum and life completely feel so overwhelmed and wished my therapist told me about this it never helped me therapist and I really want to find one specialise for this to heal properly I have her now trying to use my child as a weapon and got social on me and saying I’m crazy and she needs full costody she never lets me touch my own child like I’m a criminal and make up everything to them it’s been so hard for me as I didn’t know I was pregnant and everything now been emotional roller coaster and he was premature and my mum made it all about her and how it was for her what she thinks I really can’t believe something I sensed being a child growing out of epilepsy I thought my mum loves me and only wanted to make her proud of me and happy and could never do it no matter what I achieved its crazy to think someone you want to be so close to excuse my French fucks with your emotion every time if anyone knows I could get help with being a scapegoat child anyone that could help heal in therapy and advise that’ll be apparecited really happy and relived it wasn’t all in my head and everyone here I feel for and know and happy they seeked the truth xx

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Charity December 27, 2015 at 11:11 am

Tania,

I had PetiMal Epilepsy As well as a child, came on about 6YO I grew out of it around 10YO , took meds til I was 11YO.

Distance is what helped me, As I have always thought if she were at all part of my life I would be AT RISK of her Whims, whatever that may be.

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Valerie December 28, 2015 at 2:49 am

This article describes what I have been going through so well. I am 43 and finally accept that mum is narcissistic, through no fault of her own. I have always, always felt responsible for her, always felt that I had to look out for her so that I would be safe. I am her only child so I am the golden child and scapegoat rolled into one. In one breath I am described as the best child in the world “what would I do without you” and in the next breath I am just like my father and I guess like everyone else who wanted and deserved to be their own person, but in mum’s opinion being your own person means you are abandoning her and you are being selfish. So I have always been and sometimes still am a people pleaser, bending over backwards to make people like me, believing that (and still believing that, there is something inherently wrong with me. Now mum is in her 80’s, recently diagnosed with dementia, and I am her carer. I battle daily with doing the right thing for her, cause she needs me, and the resentment I feel as sometime I feel that she has “groomed” me for just this role. Now, at age 43 with two kids, I rebel or should I say I am now beginning to stand up for myself. Our new battleground is her grandchildren. I see her behaving with them as she did with me, and it makes me angry. I am protecting my children. I will fight tooth and nail for my children to be children. They are not my partner, they are not her partner, they are not there to look after me or her. We are there to look after them. Thanks for this article: it has given me a lot of answers and helped me to see where I am now and why inspite of all the good in my life I sometimes feel so empty and so useless, as if I don’t deserve to live.

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Natasha December 28, 2015 at 9:56 am

All i can say is Wow!!! I’m 40 years old and i have decided that my NM will no longer do these things to me..She came over for Christmas and she came through the door with negativity talking about my other siblings and just was so horrible!!! My kids and my husband were just sitting there shaking their heads at her behavior!!! She is very jealous of my looks and always find ways to put me down about my weight! I’m the mother of 5 and I think i look quite well..She seems to get mad when i dont agree with all her negative comments and just wrong things she does! I have decided that i will cut ties with her because she has emotionally drained me and i no longer allow her to treat me this way anymore!! It’s sad because it’s my mom but in order for me to be free of this behavior i must be free of her!!!

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Leslie December 28, 2015 at 12:54 pm

I am 45 years old and recently went no contact with my NPD family members. Same as everyone here…some of my stories would make peoples’ hair stand on end. This past October, my NPD mother died. I received notice the following day from my NPD father. Turns out my mother had been terminal, in and out of hospice, for 6 months previous! NO ONE INFORMED ME. I have one sister who is almost 3 yrs younger…she never informed me…nor any distant relatives or “family friends”. My life was always walking on egg shells. My mother was in the middle of a silent treatment punishment and to me, it seems like she found the perfect grand finale punishment of all punishments! This most recent “crime” I committed according to her was she deemed that I hung up on her the previous time we conversed by phone. They would go months without calling or anything. I remember that someone was at the door and we had (or I should say, she had been talking quite awhile already)…so, my big mistake was to tell her that I loved her and I had to go…I said it a couple of times…apparently, she must have kept talking when we disconnected. Last Christmas….I left voice mail messages….was getting no response…finally, she left a nasty message on my voice mail about me hanging up on her when we had last spoken…My birthday came in March. She sent me a strange humorous card. So, I phoned to thank her. When she found out that it was me….she hung up the phone. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I phoned back and left two separate messages on her voice mail. Never heard from her again. Literally. I could not believe that human beings would go to great lengths to try to destroy someone completely. Bottom line: After the text from my father which stated that my conscience must be bothering me because I forgot to send her a card for her birthday…after 45 years, I have decided to do what every therapist (and I have seen many over the years) had repeatedly tried to get me to do. I went, no contact. By the way, the part that really is unfair, is that they so meticulously and brilliantly fooled everyone who knows her and my family. People who know my family believe that she was a saint. Any help with trying to or how to forgive these people? I hate to have gone through a living hell in this life and do not want to experience an eternal hell in the afterlife. I know we are supposed to forgive…not condone the behavior, but forgive others as we would want God to forgive us. (NOT seeking any relationship with them.) I am desperately seeking a way to forgive them in my heart. Thank you all and God bless each of you. Thank you for sharing.

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Blessed January 1, 2016 at 4:23 pm

I am thinking a lot about the forgiving part as well. I feel that anger and hatred (frozen anger) is so understandable. Think about the love you need to give yourself, and the grace that is in front of you. God will never punish anyone who saves herself from madness. I believe that feeling of fear is what can keep us in the painful prison these people make. The punishment is in that prison, outside of that prison is grace. For you. I believe that. Maybe it is helpful for you that I share it. Now you´ve lived like an animal in a cage and will feel anger because you´re always attached. and that is a natural thing, becuase you have these feelings to protect yourself and run away from danger. So run away and don´t look back. My guidance has been for the last year to Walk away and never look back. I really want a new life, and I wish it for you as well. Don´t be afraid of punishment after this life. You are loved and I think you know deep inside you are safe in this. So breathe and know you have the worthiness to live a good life away from punishment and fear. Lots of love to you.

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Carole December 28, 2015 at 5:30 pm

Y’all I had to kick my mom out of my house on Xmas day! She is so toxic she poisoned the whole house. Throwing the whole I gave you money blah blah blah. Last week I was lucky to have such a wonderful husband, this week she wanted me to choose. Now I have to take her to court for my inheritance she cut me out of because my dad did not have a will. She makes it a point to let me know she’s in control of it all and as a daughter I have no standing. She threatened me to sign it all over and if I hadn’t she was going to make sure I got absolutely nothing. She was always jealous of my dad and I’s relationship. I hate it but i still feel bad.

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Keena Childress December 29, 2015 at 10:01 pm

I can’t wait to read what u have written :-)

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Anon December 31, 2015 at 12:48 am

I used to think I was just being a baby or selfish but it’s nice to see that this is a legitimate issue. I read the article and comments then left the page feeling a lot better, but felt the need to come back to share something that has really helped me. My brother, who no longer speaks to me bc my mom’s and my relationship makes it “awkward” for him, told me once, that once I had my son (whom I was pregnant with at the time) I would learn to let go of my resentment and I’d understand more of what it’s like to be a parent. Now I had let go of my resentment a long time ago, but my brother was right about one thing… Having my son brought a huge revelation for me… There is no way a mother could feel the love and protectiveness I feel over my child and do what she does/did. If she felt half of the responsibility I feel for my children, she couldn’t possibly do what she does to her own. That kind of love just isn’t there for this type of parent, sad but true. This simple revelation helps validate my decision of no contact. I hope that helps simplify things for anyone reading as it did and still does for me.

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Broken January 1, 2016 at 3:00 pm

I am so heartbroken. I have allowed by mother to once again ruin another Christmas. I am 50 years old with a wonderful husband had daughter. They deserve so much better from me. Yet I continually allow my mother’s needs to come first. I am afraid of her and hope by keeping her happy I will not be destroyed by her words and actions. Everything I s about how she feels. She has no boundaries and feels everyone owes her. She has people running in circles doing errands that she I as capable of doing. She loves the attention but people are getting wise to her manipulation. Many of her friends have told me it’s not me but her. In away it good to hear that people see how hard I try to please her. But it’s never good enough . She always wants more. I am a survivor and I have broken the narsictic pattern. I am more the door mat and the internally injured. My stress level is out of control. I can’t eat sleep or concentrate . I am wounded beyond repair. I have made sure not to repeat the past and I have as incredible relationship with my husband and daughter. They both resent my mom for what as he does to me. After a dose of her criticism I spend days in bed crying. I work 50 hours a week and my time is limited. I have offered to shop once a week for her ,but she wants daily shopping. This guarantees I have to pay a visit . She is miserable has nothing nice to say about anyone. I can’t blame my daughter for not having a relationship with her. At a early age my daughter saw the pain she has caused me and is never to blame for any of the pain or destruction she has caused. She has no relationship with her other grandchildren for the mean things she has said. Calling them fat and liars. I a m all she has left . As much as I regret how much I missed in life because I was afraid of her I can’t walk away. I feel real bad for her. I have been since this year and nearly died earlier this year. It was a wake up call for me to live my life. I tried low contact and that infuriated her more. Now I am back to the daily running around to please her. I hate who I have become and that my daughter sees how weak I am when it comes to her. If it were not for the love and support of my husband and daughter I would h ave ended my life a long time ago! Wow! I actually wrote that . That is how beaten up I am from this one person. She is my mother and I can’t walk away yet I can’t continue like this either. She told me the other day everyone in the world loves her except for me… I told her if I did not love her I would not be sitting here taking her abuse. She thinks I should choose her above my husband. She hates him because he will not bow to her. He is an amAzing man loved by so many in our community for being such a nice guy. She has made sure to tell anyone that would listen that he sucks as a SIL. I just want to crawl up and hide. I hold down a full time job but the weekends I am just imobilzed with fear and stress. Therapy is not the answer because I can’t walk away. I believe I am responsible for her care when the time arises. I truly believe she will out live me. I know she sees that pain she has caused in my life and I believe it gives her satisfaction. She has said to me I hope I am a live to see the day that my daughter turns on me th e way I turned on her!!!! Who says these things??’ She is trying to manipulate my daughter but she is so much stronger then me. She has ruined every special occasion and has controlled all the holidays to be with what she wants. I know I am wrong but it was easier then dealing with her wrath of anger or guilt. I fear everyday that I open my eyes. I never know what manipulation she has planned for me that day. I am so broken and I don’t know how to fix me. I just want to live a happy stress free life. I pray that there is hope for someone like me. I see no future for m e and that really scares me. Thanks for listening.

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gina January 24, 2016 at 3:43 pm

I totally get what you are saying. I was in the same state for years as you describe. Trapped. Without perspective. Let me tell you what happened to me. I kept trying to do what I believed was right, not abandon my mom, no matter how destructive it was. I thought that as long as she was alive, there was a chance there could be a change for the better. I too woke every morning nauseated by the fear of what the day would bring in relation to her.
I got very sick and was forced to leave her on her own. She ended up in a posh retirement home that could have been quite neat for many people. But she was furious. After over a decade of service to her, when she knew she was dying, she said to me, “Well, was there ever a day in your life that you ever loved me?” It absolutely destroyed me. She was dying and she just had to drive in the knife a bit deeper. She knew I wanted to have a loving relationship with her. And now there was no more chance. I had almost killed myself trying to show her I loved her, trying to save her and I FAILED. And she made damn sure I knew it.
It destroyed me. Two and a half years later, I’m starting to crawl out. There’s no easy way out. You suffer if you stay, you suffer if you leave. You suffer on leaving.

You know how you feel about your daughter and husband and mother, how you don’t want them to suffer. You are as precious as they are. You need to imagine the care and compassion you have toward them, the advice you’d like to give them and give it to you. You are missing that from your mom and you are the only source of it for yourself. Time to start giving up on Narcissistic impossible mom. If not now, when? She will never give you a break.

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Renee January 4, 2016 at 5:06 pm

Happy New Year everyone~

I just wanted you all to know that if I survived, you will too.

For years and years I lived in constant fear and succumbed to my nm’s manipulations, bit my tongue when she raved of my sister and wrote me nasty things about our children. Fear, fear, fear. Fear of her cutting us out of her life, fear of losing my inheritance, fear that she would not keep her word about the children’s college expenses, such a willing, scared puppet I was.

But we made it. I made it. Yes, we were cut out from her but there was nothing to begin with. This ‘cut’ was my fear, it happened at her will, but the ‘cut’ was already in place. Yes, there will be no inheritance, our first daughter is in college and not one dime from all the years of bloated bragging about how my nm and dad had the children’s future covered.

In relief, I’m happier. My husband is happier. Our children are happier. There is no drama, no tears, no fighting, no nm. Am I sad? No. I’m bummed that my nm is psychologically impaired with a disorder. Are all those years wasted and gone? I think not ……………. everyone has their own timetable, a maturing if you will, on when they are able to corral or disengage their nm. I am grateful that our children have seen this, are educated because of their unfortunate encounters with their ngrandma, know that it is not a healthy relationship, and at fairly young ages, snipped communication with her.

nm survivors are an amazing group strong people. Stay true to yourselves.

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Jyl January 8, 2016 at 10:16 am

This is extremely helpful! I’m looking forward to reading more of your work. Thank you.

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Bumblicious January 8, 2016 at 12:22 pm

wow! after researching and finally accepting (sort of) the fact that my own mom is this way, i am emotionally crushed. i don’t want this to be true, but from all that i have read, it appears to be.
i am very confused right now, wondering that maybe it’s just me and i have the problem. in fact, i wish it were true.
i am in the process of putting my story to words and it is all so jumbled and all over. memories keep flooding my mind, ones i thought were dealt with or just a normal part of growing up. but there is so much pain associated with them now since i have entertained the idea that my mom is a narcissist.
i know my older sister is, her eldest once-upon-a-time-golden child-turned-scapegoat is definitely on that track as well.
i feel like i am drowning in self-serving people and i am not sure that i won’t just give up and sink to the bottom and just “live” with it as i have been.
it is overwhelming.

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gina January 24, 2016 at 12:38 pm

I just read your posting and my heart goes put out to you as what you describe is so like what I have gone through and continue to try to sort out. I posted below about my sisters etc. It’s unbelievable to have to admit the case that all one’s family members are set up mentally to be unable to have living workable relationship that is responsive to the changes and needs of real fluctuating life and not just to their idea of getting what they want. Astonishing.

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Gabby January 10, 2016 at 1:26 am

I am so grateful for this page and all the people sharing their stories. Feel as if my inner-child wasn’t all alone after all. Thank you , Happy Sunday and God bless……

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Adam January 10, 2016 at 12:32 pm

It certainly sucks to have a narcissistic mother. After reading this post, and the comments, it is clear that this is an epidemic! I think having a parent like this can be devastating for a child and the adult they become.

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Bumbles January 26, 2016 at 1:24 pm

sometimes i think that there should be a mandatory test for people that want to have children. you must be a certain age to drive, vote, drink and you have to have a licence to hunt, fish, drive, own a gun etc. yet any a$$wipe can become a parent. what is wrong with this picture?
if you are found incapable of giving up a huge part of your life, your person, your freedom etc. for the healthy development of a brand new life, then you forfeit your opportunity to “breed”. think of all the healthy well balanced people there would be in this world if they were raised accordingly.

i say this in absolute jest to lighten a dark topic, but perhaps many of the world’s leaders issues are caused because they had a narc parent, maybe kim jong-un would be a nicer guy today, had he had a decent upbringing, same for “the donald”

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gina January 24, 2016 at 12:27 pm

My narcissistic mother is dead. She died two and a half years ago, at 90. It feels like decades ago in one way but like yesterday in another. She was so huge and dominant in all my life that it seems she is still in it.

I learned about Narcissism during the years of her gradual decline. She had chronic ailments and felt entitled to staying in her home “with the help of a family member.” I was that family member since my two sisters lived 3000 miles away and that had been the case almost all their adult lives. I was willing to help her but I believed she would also have outside help as needed. I had no idea that she meant that literally and she refused to allow other help except for one hour a week. It gave the impression she was cooperating, but it was almost no help at all.

My choice was to help or abandon her. She wouldn’t be reasonable. There was constant friction between what she wanted and what I could do. I took responsibility for her basic needs for care and safety and companionship. I mean besides trying to have a mother/ daughter relationship with her, holidays, to my house etc. I had this other function as jack-of- all – needs. It was largely a thankless job.

My sisters contributed next to nothing. They seldom came, every few years at most for a few days. They never asked me if they could help me to care for their mother. They restricted conversation to their own affairs and successes, their health issues etc. and they refused to engage with me in conversation about their mom and the confusion and frustration of dealing with her.

Mom was parsimonious and I incurred a big expense in the process. For one example, I lived in the next town and I had to buy a car to get to her and to carry out the tasks.

I developed thyroid related illness, collapsed and was unable to continue to help her. Her doctor forced her to get help and then finally to leave her home and go into a retirement facility with nursing care. She had called my sisters to make arrangements so they were forced to participate. They spent more time talking to the social workers and facility care about mom than they had talked to me in all the years. They never showed up personally.

I recovered somewhat and went to see her there. I took her things she needed in that setting etc. I don’t know what people do who have no one at all.

My mom caught C-difficile there and it killed her. Her doctor called my sisters and I was astonished at the speed they arrived. They had come for their inheritance. They were ecstatic.

I had a thought then that it was a bit like being reunited with family after combat duty and finding no one wanted to listen to what had happened and wanted to forget it like it had never happened. Totally alienating. Totally infuriating.

I also had the thought that they owed me something.They got a sizable inheritance to a great extent that I did the work mom should have paid for as well as subsidized her for many years. My sisters said no one has asked me to do it ( never mind the daily calls for help from my mom) and that they didn’t owe me anything.

They have never communicated with me since I asked for compensation ( pay their fair share of their mother’s care as I phrased it ) and i have not communicated with them either.

My whole family died then. Truth is, it was a fantasy family that died. My hope that they would step up to the plate some day, in some way and take their share of the responsibility was just a fantasy. I feel they all ruthlessly exploited me.

Reading about sibling roles in Narcissistic families, I see we were all molded and made unhealthy in different ways. It helps to understand. When I first learned about Narcissism I told my sisters about it, suggested they look into it to help them understand mom etc. but they didn’t respond.

As the emotional dust settles, I am understanding more clearly. I have no one personally to talk to about this so I am grateful to find this site.

Gina

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Renee February 2, 2016 at 11:49 am

Hi All,

I’ve had a few epiphanies since my last post but now that I’m at the keyboard, I’ve forgotten them! That’s the down side to 1/2 a century+ pedding on the earth!!!

This is just a huge process, sometimes a lifelong one. Some of us get there, and I’m so sad to say, some struggle to the very end. It is what it is. Each of our journey’s to healing differ because there are so many twists and turns in each of our experiences with our nms. For me, it was a couple of years of retrospect, revisiting, reviewing, and then reading, reading, reading. And I did question my sanity ~ how can you not when 99% of those who surround you rally to the bully who devilishly and slyly beats you relentlessly and continually into a pulp?

Then you read. You see commonalities that only you think you’ve lived and lived through. And then the revelation and a slow acceptance (because this is your brain changing) that it isn’t you.

That first step of action is a DOOSIE!! But it is a step in the right direction because the right direction is the support of yourself and your family; children, husband, etc. The first, second, third, etc is hard but please know it becomes easier to see and that is immensely validating. Kinda like practicing a sport, the more you practice standing up for yourself and not accepting the non-sense, you are more skilled at handling the psychological bombs that are lobbed. They don’t blow you up but sizzle at your nm’s fingertips.

Lastly, if I may elaborate on practicing ~ when you practice some dialogue, practice it with sound. Say it out loud, just not in your head. What occurs is as these words originate from your experience, begin to move from your lungs, through your throat, then your tongue and out your lips, you experience it and it strengthens you.

You then hear it. The anatomy of hearing is the bones and membranes in your ears vibrating and absorbing what it hears and the brain processes and stores it. You REMEMBER.

As you practice this, you hear yourself. It brings strength and confidence. The words/message are not foreign. You begin to be comfortable using the dialogue to communicate and shield yourself from the nonsense slinging. This technique was instrumental to enact the beginning of the end.

And my nm? Don’t know. It’s ‘her’ and my sister’s (gc) secret where she’s living these days (even though we live in a very, very small town). It is her sick entertainment.

Whateva. My new mantra for 2016 is ‘the bill always comes due’.

Peace, love, and healing to all

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Beth C. Kramer February 2, 2016 at 7:20 pm

Interesting post. I was married to a man who displays narcissistic behavior patterns and has a mother who is a narcissist. He is the Golden Child and both his parents consider his younger brother (and hence, the brother’s children) as the lesser of the kids. The grandparents (exhusband’s parents) have told my kids explicitly that they prefer my exhusband and my kids. (My oldest daughter, their first born grandchild, is their favorite, which they freely admit.) I’ve had to reassure my kids that I don’t have a “favorite” child when they were younger. My ex-husband has a dependent relationship with his mother and, aside from his emotional and verbal abuse, the dysfunctional relationship drove me to divorce. They have an obsessive love/hate relationship where he calls her dozens of times a day and also screams at her at times. He cannot make any decisions without her input and he’s 52. The mother has no boundaries whatsoever. She would call my oldest daughter multiple times a day and tell her she’s her best friend. Now, my daughter is in college and her grandmother complains if she doesn’t hear from her every day. The mother/grandmother uses money and gifts to control or manipulate and bought her son a house to keep him under her wraps. My ex-husband also has no boundaries and would insist even after we were separated or divorced that I should back up everything he says. He acts horribly to servers, cab drivers, etc. and mistrusts everyone. I’ve worked double time to teach my kids how to create and enforce boundaries and am proud of them but it’s still hard to see them go through that. Their father fights back when they set boundaries, telling them he “didn’t raise them” and they are “hurtful and mean” although when I would set limits and use I statements, he would tell me I should control my emotions and gaslight me. I guess it’s all a learning curve and as a student of human behavior, it has been compelling, more so if my children and I weren’t involved in it.

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Gemma February 3, 2016 at 12:56 am

It sounds ridiculous, but I am an Honours Psychology student, and only 2 days ago did I finally realise that my mother is a Narcissist. As I sit here, just thinking of all I’ve been through in the last 2 months alone, my heart races, my hands shake, my stomach knots… I’ve always known that I never received the same love and affection as my younger sister, who is 8 years younger. She is very materialistic which plays right into my mothers preferred mode of proving her ‘love’. I, however, never wanted *things*, I wanted to feel validated and cared for, as much as I cared for her. As of 2 days ago, both my sister and my mother have ostracised me, purely because I was still not willing to forgive and forget what my mother had done to me over 2 months ago (although I am not worked up about it, I understand it’s the NPD, but I am not willing to forgive and forget as I can never go back to being treated like a piece of dirt). As brief as can be described, 2 months ago I was attacked in my car while travelling home (which traumatized me), and when my mother called later that night, she told me “everyone has bad days, I must get over it” and proceeded to scream at me and belittle me about a coffee table that I had left at her house, which she had previously said was fine, as it was in the flat, out of the way of the main house. Everything has escalated from that, and I am at the point now where I never want to talk to or see my mother again. I can’t even imagine seeing my sister as I know she will go tell my mother everything I say, or she will carry out my mothers wishes of dragging me down. I wish that NPD was more widely known, and that you aren’t scoffed at for believing that someone is a narcissist.

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Leann February 3, 2016 at 10:52 pm

I finally understand. Learning this about my mom is a miracle. I started therapy on Sunday. It’s time to heal. :’)

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petluvva February 4, 2016 at 4:11 pm

hi im 47 – as a child i always knew my mom was different to my friends moms – she didnt show affection to us kids – she could fly off the handle at the slightest thing – she once killed my pet gold fish because i accidently dropped some fish food in her cup of coffee when feeding it- she tipped the fish down the sink! 1 of my 1st memories is of my 2 eldest brothers being made to stand in the garden in the snow in their pyjamas while she hit them with a bamboo stick – during my teenage years i rowed with her a lot but soon learned it was useless on 1 occasion she lost it and tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because i held her wrist to stop her she ran to my dad and brothers telling them id knocked her all round the kitchen – she was very much a hyperchondriac – always ill – every holiday we went on she would say she was ill and spend it in bed – she liked us to be ill so she could get attention from it by acting upset to others – in fact she favoured my middle brother because when he was 4 he had to have surgery for a squint – when i grew up and had my 1st son who needed several childhood surgeries for a birth defect each time he was due a surgery she would cause a drama to try and get the attentioin back on her – she has constantly accused me of being a bad mother when my 1st son was 1 she reported me to social services saying i shouted at him all the time – i ended up with an abusive alcoholic partner and she at 1st tried to accuse me of being the problem in the relationship then when other folk realised what he was she made it look like she was supporting me without ever really doing so – she also tried to get attention saying the stress my partner caused was making her ill – in the past ive done everything for my “ill” mother inc taking her dinners round nightly but 10yrs ago we had a big fall out as despite this she accused me of not doing enough for her – for 10yrs now i have kept my distance from her – she lives only a few roads away i see her once or occasionally twice a week – lately my eldest son and me have had our differences he smokes maurijuana and it has caused a massive change in his personality – she has constantly got in between us making the problem worse again saying its all my fault and im a terrible mother and telling him i shouldnt treat him like this – this being me putting my foot down when he wants money off us for marijuana and when he treats our house like a rubbish tip because smoking joints make him act lazy – the latest thing shes done is 2wks ago she told me my son had told her he takes drugs up his nose now not the 1s you smoke – i went through hell for 5 days not being able to talk to my son as he was away and thinking he was taking cocaine – when i spoke to him he said he didnt know what she meant and rang her straight away – i have to say despite our differences and my sons probs hes always been very honest so due to this and him immediatey tackling her i knew he was telling the truth – she then text me she must have dreamed it!!! no apology which im sure i would be giving somebody had i made such a terrible mistake!! i continue to keep her at arms length – she wont change its like everything goes along smoothly for a few months and she gets bored of being shown no attention and starts a drama or is ill – ive had counselling – i suffer with depression and i have a thyroid autoimmune desease which i noticed someone above had mentioned which incidentally i have recently read was in a study showing evidence that kids who have grown up experiencing abuse have more chance of developing this desease – i sit and wonder what the future holds – if she becomes dependant i dont think i could care for her full time – i never feel like ive had a proper mom – i mourn that i havent had a mom – what will i be like when she passes away (thats if she dont kill me 1st from stress!!) will i be upset because gone is the chance to ever have a good relationship with her or will i be relieved? (and i know that sounds evil) – the good news is for the last 10yrs i have been with the most caring loving partner and we have a 4yr old son – i had him age at 44 and she wasnt pleased when i found out i was pregnant i think its because she thought she wouldnt get as much attention now!! i must say you have all had a bad time of it and every1 here is so brave xxx

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Tessa February 6, 2016 at 4:12 pm

After reading everyone’s comments, I feel lucky that my situation wasn’t worse. My mother is a very sneaky narcissist and like so many of you I didn’t even know there was name for my situation. I genuinely believed everything was my fault, that I’ve been difficult to deal with, that there’s something wrong me.
My parents moved to live next to me a month ago. They said they wanted to be near their grandchildren. While they were searching for a house they stayed with my family (me, husband, 3 kids) and I did everything I could to make them welcome. I made all three meals every day, I recorded their shows on the TV, I helped them with whatever I could. I didn’t spend as much time with my family and I got behind in my job (I telecommute) because I was always taking care of them.
When my parents found a place my dad went back to drive a truck with their things over, he enlisted help driving from a handyman that has helped them for some time. That was fine, but my dad assumed he would stay at my house for a couple of nights. I would be uncomfortable under normal circumstances as I have never met the man, but worse, this fellow has been to prison for drugs and my dad has no problem with him under the same roof as my children. I found this out while my dad was making the three day drive back. I told my mom I wasn’t comfortable with this and I would get the guy a hotel. She responded by throwing a rage about how badly behaved my kids are (everyone else always tells me how good they are) and how she deserves respect. What she means is absolute iron-fisted rule. Then she called some people to report how bad things have been while she’s been at my house. She was going to leave to a hotel, but she was too useless to book anything for herself or get there. My dad got back and they left and haven’t called in almost a week.
I feel guilty not contacting them because I think the kids need their grandparents and because they moved all the way out here, but this continuous requirement to do everything their way or face a tantrum is too much. I also don’t want my kids to constantly face the requirement to be nothing but thin and marry rich, with no regard for them as people. I’m not sure how to deal with it all right now.

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