Angry at a Narcissistic Mother: Part One

by Michelle Piper

Your narcissistic mother makes you angry and sucks you dry. You’ve spent your whole life compensating for the bad she caused and chasing the good she didn’t give you. Now, you’re an adult and have much more freedom than when she dominated your life.

But, what if you’re still angry?

Anger can serve as a great fuel to move away from what you don’t need and to protect yourself. Yet, it can also be exhausting and drain you from enjoying the precious moments you have left outside your narcissistic mother’s drama and manipulation.

Nobody writes to me asking how to get rid of the good parts of anger. We all know when we feel the triumphant energy of “this is my truth and I’m going to defend it.”

But, I do get many comments posted on the blog and emails pleading for a way to get rid of the negative side of anger, the part of anger that drains us, makes us tired, and leaves us feeling defeated and empty.

Symptoms of negative anger:

1) You find yourself snapping at people and things that don’t warrant the intensity of your response.
2) You feel worn out and a little hopeless.
3) You have displaced anger, meaning you’re irritable when there’s nothing in the moment at which to be angry.

It is maddening to carry these effects, after surviving a narcissistic family system. You know you have more control than ever in the past and yet the effects of the narcissistic abuse you suffered still visit you when your anger turns destructive.

In response to reader requests, the next post will provide some ways to lessen the toll of negative anger.

{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

zanne June 5, 2014 at 1:34 pm

As a child I always thought Happy Birthday had some extra words, as follows:Why was she born so beautiful, why was she born at all,she no bloody good to anyone, why was she born at all,she’s no bloody good to anyone,she’s no bloody good at all. That was my mothers extra verse sung each year until I was eleven years old. Boy did I feel special.I am 50 years old and she still attacks me and those I love. I thought she was walking towards me today in the town I work. I felt physically sick. I have overcome much and have a wonderful happy relationship with my own daughters, from somewhere we can find the strength to do things differently if we care enough to try. Many thanks Zanne

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Sherry June 29, 2014 at 12:30 pm

This made me I’ll, just because it happened to me too. So sorry for the pain you’ve had you didn’t deserve it. Blessings

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June August 13, 2014 at 9:07 am

o lord zanne.. awful simply awful of her. all the best to you and the strength you have had to enjoy beautiful relationships with your children. peace.

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Frustrated May 1, 2016 at 3:42 pm

What a horrible mother. I hope you are no contact with her or at least very limited contact. If you have children of your own I hope you keep them away from her. She does not deserve to see them.

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Sarah October 13, 2014 at 5:20 am

OMG! Mine sang the same song, although not on my birthday necessarily. I am blessed with a good sense of humour so I took it as a joke, just some random song. Another of her favourites was “anything you can do, I can do better”. And then when my skinny friend was around a little jovial rhyme about “fatty and skinny went out one day…”. My friend used to like that one.

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Carolyn January 19, 2015 at 3:24 pm

My mother sang about herself. “M” is for the million things she gave me! “O” is only that she’s growing old. “T” is for the tears she shed to save me, “H” is for her HEART OF PUREST GOLD! (yelled), “E” is for her eyes of love light shining. “R” IS RIGHT AND RIGHT SHE’LL ALWAYS BE! (that was yelled extra loud) Put them all together they spell MOTHER- the word that means the WORLD to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s what you should be singing, she said.

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Violet February 25, 2015 at 2:11 am

Carolyn, I burst out laughing at this song because it is SO something my mother would come up with. Instead, she had a quote framed and always kept in on her vanity in plain site: “Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of children.” Not narcissistic or anything!

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Frustrated May 1, 2016 at 3:43 pm

Unbelievable. What a repulsive mother.

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Christina February 1, 2015 at 11:45 am

Wow, that post was so painful to read. I’m so sorry about that and that you experience that. I know the exact feeling when you thought you saw your mother coming towards you. When my mother calls, I look at the phone and just about die, it’s like someone punches me swift in the gut. She never comes to my home any more (lives an hour away) but when she does I have to keep an eye on her. She’ll go around my home and say, “Chris, I need this …” and she’ll take my things and put them in her purse. I always have to take an inventory after she leaves. She’s turned her phone back on under my name (she ruined her own credit). I didn’t know this for years until caller ID came out and when I installed it you can imagine my horror to look and see me calling myself – when it was her phone number. I’m 47 now, I’m just now learning how to take care of my own basic needs. Eating at a proper time, getting enough sleep, enjoying myself. When I had my oldest son, she came to the house to “help me”. Of course she slept in till 11am and laid around. She did try to give me some help but telling me I shouldn’t nurse, that would tie me down. And it’s “gross” anyway. She took a bottle and showed me how to open the nipple up a little bit and put rice cereal with juice in the bottle, instead of formula, this would make him sleep longer – oh, and prop the bottle on a pillow so you don’t have to hold him all the time… No wonder I have moments of feeling totally alone. I have had reoccurring nightmares for years about being in a house that was rotting and falling in and I had a demon chasing me — wonder why that is…

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dana December 23, 2015 at 8:24 am

reading your reply sounds just like me….I am 47 and my mom did all of those things even down to the breastfeeding saying that it was disgusting and why was I doing it, she didn’t do it with me. I feel alone and every time something everyday normal happens to me I don’t know how to cope. I get sick when I have to spend time with her because I know the drama that comes with it. When she comes over she wants all of my stuff and if I tell her no she can’t have it she makes me feel like I am selfish.

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Elizabeth December 29, 2015 at 1:52 pm

I can’t even believe how similar the experiences. Same. Same. and Same. When my mother calls I feel physically sick. Same about the breastfeeding, and the walking around my house snooping into everything. She asked for a gold ring that she said she wanted to give my sister… I gave it to her, and she kept it. The biggest thing is that I feel that no one wants to see the truth… family know but I don’t really get support.. it’s like I’m the one with the problem. The life time of digs and put-downs, subtle and otherwise, are very isolating – even my husband who sees it the best tries to get me to ‘call her on Christmas’ etc. You know, I just don’t want to anymore. I’m done.

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Lydia August 6, 2016 at 8:48 am

That is the hardest, when your other loved ones (spouse, friends) try to get you to have a better relationship with your mother, as if they are thinking, “yes, mothers can be difficult but if you would try just one more time…” And you are thinking, “Really?? I love my spouse/friend to pieces, but they still don’t get this!?”
It’s the insidiousness of it all. You finally see NM for who she is (when you realize for example that OTHER mothers don’t say or do the things yours does), but alas, your loved ones do not.

It’s hard for anyone who has a non-NM to understand. Their only point of reference is having a solid, caring, loving mum, so how could mothers be anything but?

I had a girlfriend after college who had lost her Mom to cancer when she was younger. This friend especially could not believe what I was sharing (and I did not share until the relationship until we were friends a long time). But her take was always, “I can’t BELIEVE you are not making more of an effort to see/call/care for your Mom. I would give anything to have mine back.”

By the way it sounded, I would have given anything for Ann to have her mom back too. But while I was struggling with how to cope with my Mom, my friendship with Ann kind of evaporated…Another casualty of this complex ACONM life.

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broken November 10, 2016 at 10:26 pm

My mother is a thief as well. She has stolen our identities, ran up credit card bills, and stolen money and stolen things from my house. I am no contact, but before that I would not leave her unsupervised in my home.

She also snooped. I remember catching her going through my paperwork a few years ago. Such vile women, I can’t even fathom stealing from my child.

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XO March 19, 2015 at 6:49 pm

I am 29 years old and I’m trying very hard to let go of my anger towards my mother. She’s still the same person she was when I was a child. Whenever I’m around her she says or does something that totally pushes me and my feelings to the side. It just will not stop. I’m treated like I’m not even really there and it hurts. Most of the time I’ll walk away knowing shes just a sick person, but sometimes I lose it and I will scream at her, asking her why she has to do this to me. She will pretty much look at me like I am a joke and tells me to grow up. I always feel horrible afterwards. She makes me feel so worthless no matter how hard I try to have a good visit with her. I keep trying to love her simply because she is my mother but it’s like she doesn’t even really want me to love her. She acts like she just wants me to go away. It makes me feel 12 years old again. She makes me feel like almost the total opposite of who I really am. I feel like I need to just shut up when I’m around her, no feelings, no laughter, no smiling, no expression. That’s the only way to win with her. I have to revert back into a scared to death child who doesn’t move or make a peep to get through being near her. What do I need to do to let go of this feeling? Do I need to ignore her better and just take the pain when I’m around her or just totally cut her out of my life? I’m tired of being angry, it’s not who I really am inside. I’m actually very sweet and caring when I’m away from her. I do not want to be like her and just give up on loving her. She makes me feel so weird and confused

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Anonymous April 17, 2015 at 1:56 pm

I read your post and feel so bad you have to go through this with your mother. I have had no contact with my mother for a year now. Life is getting better for me. My other relationships are improving. I never realized how being around her affected my other relationships with people. She is still trying to pit my other siblings against me. I have 5 brothers and a sister. She tells everyone how horrible I am. I can’t live with her in my life. I am 60 years old and she has crushed my self esteem. I will pray for you , and take care of yourself.
Sister

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XO May 5, 2015 at 9:17 pm

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply. I understand what you wrote about your mother trying to make your siblings see you as a horrible person because mine does the same! She says I have brainwashed 4 other family members into agreeing with me that she is narcisstic/absusive. It is a joke that she needs to tell herself that just to avoid admitting her own truth. It’s a sad fact that no or very low contact truly is the only peace for us as children of these people. I hope you find your self esteem and to everyone out there I hope you do too. You aren’t alone in this.

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Cat August 12, 2015 at 3:31 pm

XO, I wish I had seen your posts when you first wrote them. I had a narcissistic mother and husband. I, too, thought I had to love my mother simply because she was my mother. And I found out that’s not true. DNA doesn’t mean we have to love these people. Did they love us?
I understand your description of how you feel around your mother. The BEST thing I ever did was go no contact. My mother did horrible things. Getting away, and staying away from her was a freedom I had never felt before.
For me, I couldn’t begin to heal until she was no longer in my life.
We accept treatment from family members that we wouldn’t accept from anyone else when it’s family who should be there to give us the extra love and support we all need at times. I never got that. Ever. And I learned I was never going to. Letting go was the best thing I ever did.
That person you really are? THAT is the person you have the right to be every day.

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Jessica November 22, 2015 at 6:00 pm

Coming very very VERY late to this, but as the 54-year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother, I have to say that everything you (and everyone else) has said rings true. With HUGE sorrow — because like many narcissists, she could be the most fun company, and very occasionally even give the impression of CARING — I cut all ties with my mother 3 years ago. The sorrow still lingers. So does the trained guilt, because that’s what narcissists major in. But still, cutting off from my mother was the healthiest thing I ever did.

But what I really wanted to say was, reading the comments on here.. And indeed everything else I’ve read about the legacy of narcisstic and other abusive parents, makes me spitting MAD at the myth that Family is Everything..

My friends have kept me sane. My friends have cared and been there for me when I was a sobbing mess in the small hours of the morning. My friends have had the sensitivity to know when I needed a distraction, a joke, a trip out, a cup of tea, a new novel with a silly message in the front..My friends have checked in with me when times were bad, subtly and unobtrusively.. My friends have reflected back to me the person I’ve always suspected I could be; and she is a person I could like.

My family? Not so much. Not at all, in fact.

Yet pop culture tells us that It’s All About FAMILY.

No. I am here now, finally learning to function normally and not be petrified of my own shadow, because of my friends… And in spite of my family.

Marvin January 20, 2016 at 4:28 am

I posted something at the bottom, I read your story and sounds like the EXACT same situation in our household. I am 35, and have been the “independent” child, the “black sheep”, trouble maker. Even my sister who is 6 years younger talks “down to me,” in front of my children. It drives me up a wall. Even when she is out of line in what she says, and I stand up for myself, I am still the one getting yelled at. Not a word is said to my sister, I am thinking that our family is a NM with a father that enables her actions. I do believe they both are sick, and my sister is just like her. Does this sound like anything, or am I crazy? I always have a feeling in my gut that “something is wrong.” I try to figure out what is wrong with myself, and I always have the same question for about 25-30 years now, “WHY?” Does this sound familiar.

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jo October 6, 2016 at 3:24 pm

Hey Marvin you are not crazy what you have described is a true thing. My Mum and Dad both high functioning Alcoholics. NM was enabled by my father as he had been a philander for many years so she held him down. When ever he would try to stand up for me (one time she stole my diary and started reading it out I was 13years old, he told her to give it back to me it was none of her business to read it. She glared at him and said this is my daughter and I can do what I want). He went silent and shrugged his shoulders and walked away. My sister learnt to be the funny one so when ever it got bad she just made jokes she could get away with murder, but if I said the truth look out. Finally at the age of 50 I got the courage up to leave the family as they gave me a choice my soon to be husband or them. I chose the husband best thing I ever did. Now I am not saying it was easy, I still wanted to believe the fantasy that my parents loved me I even tried to send the cards to thank them for bringing me up and the time they put into looking after me. These were to end up in the bin. In the end I lost my family I lost a lot of money as my mum was on my house contract as a part owner so no man could rip me off. So when it sold she got half of the profit. That hurt. In the end the best thing I got was my FREEDOM. The weird thing was I started to meet lots of other people and found out how toxic my family life had really been. Neally 5 years down the track my father has passed they didn’t let me know which really hurt I had to find out via google. I will never go back I have forgiven them in my heart and my head because if I don’t I don’t really move on. I thank god ever day for having the courage to walk away and I know give myself the love and care that was not provided when i was a child and much later into my adult life. I am my own cheer squad and I thank my Husband and friends for getting me through. I have only pity for my mother and gratitude for the strength I now have within me. I hope this helps you.

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Sheryl April 25, 2015 at 9:10 pm

I did not recognize I had a narcissistic mother until I grew up and married a narcissistic man who carried on her campaign and extended it to our four children. I divorced after 29 years of walking on eggshells hoping for change.

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Cat August 12, 2015 at 3:23 pm

Sheryl, I know you wrote this a few months ago, but your story resonates with me. When I could no longer stand being married to a man who was a serial cheater, I wasn’t the one she turned to hug and comfort.
Nope, instead she glued herself to my soon to be ex narc husband AND his current girl friend.
They were invited to MY family functions. Yep, the ex and his girl friend. And in the process, my kids were manipulated into thinking it was all me. They were kids. I never shared their father’s cheating with them. But I was the one who knew what he really was. I knew he had nor morals or integrity. To this man, who’s image means everything, I was a threat. And the smear campaign was on. His best ally? My own mother.

This happened 20 years ago. The smear campaign has continued, my children think the sun rises and sets on their father, my NM is now elderly and even worse and I’m alone.

I still have anger at times. But it’s not the force in my life it used to be. What I learned is this: I neither have to forgive or forget. It’s a choice. While I forgave years ago, for my own sake, I cannot STAND the person my mother or my ex is. I would choose neither to be in my life today.
I learned that getting rid of the anger doesn’t mean we have to like these people again. For a long time, I thought the two went hand in hand. They don’t.

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Anonymous September 10, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Same happened to me! Now through this site I have learned I am not alone and this senario is acually common for narc mothers and narc exs to join forces for the smear campain. I still feel abused about it but at least I can put the ownership of the “fuckery” where it belongs, shake my head, laugh and move on with my day/life and make it great! And I now no longer feel guilt or confusion over ‘no contact’.
Greatest thing to happen is the realizarion that I date narc men due to my upbringing…I will NO longer be sabotoging myself now! Freedom at last!

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Lydia August 6, 2016 at 9:12 am

Cat and Sheryl:
Thanks for cluing me in to something I’ve suspected but had no proof of. My NM conditioned me so well to take care of her needs and my sibs (I am the oldest of six) that I walked right out the door at 19 and into a more worse situation in a marriage to a Narc. That marriage ended in 2011. There are a few financials still tying us together from the divorce, soon to be finished up. (It has taken time to recover from being absolutely decimated.) What drove me to this site was the realization that my NM and my ex are cut from the same cloth… ie, when your daughter goes through a horrible divorce w/ a Narc (who is horrible to his children/her grandchildren during the process) and your NM condescendingly agrees you need to get divorced (along with many others), yet she remains friends with him on social media — what the heck is up with that?

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jo October 6, 2016 at 3:40 pm

Lydia, I so hear you. My ex partner who my NM loved, and I mean loved she would dress up in slinky tops whenever he would come over. She would sit there for hours listening to his stories and laughing and joking with him. It was sickening to watch a women in her 70’s flirting with my 52 year old ex. He loved it. I was with my soon to be husband. My parents thought nothing wrong with inviting my ex over to their place as they liked his company. My ex would send me a single stem red rose on Valentines day when he knew I was in a relationship with another man. He thought it was funny and so did my mum. One Christmas my mum tried to send me home with out my ex partner as she wanted him to stay and talk with her, it was about 11.00pm at night and I was tired. I looked at her and said he is mine and he is coming home with me. (who has to say that to their own mother!!!) Its like they do everything that a considerate, kind thoughtful mother would never do. There is no guilt or consciousness on their part it is all about how much they can upset you. I have realised that no matter what I cannot change her I can only remove her from my life and move on. I know relish the healthier relationships I am beginning to develop. Its a slow process but it is worth it. I feel like at the age of 50 I finally grew up and started to take responsibility for my own happiness and joy and it is only going to get better the older I get. best wishes to you.

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Sheryl April 25, 2015 at 9:15 pm

My father passed away three years later leaving me to look after the finances of my mother. I am exhausted now by the regular attacks, criticism, of my life as I try to move forward following decades of emotional abuse at the hands of the two most central people in my life. I had no clue what I had been dealing with until I sought the help of counseling as I felt as though I was having panic attacks.

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Sheryl April 25, 2015 at 9:23 pm

My mothers venomous attacks have increased to the point they are affecting my well being. It takes almost 48 hours to recover as I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. I would never ever say the kinds of things she does to any of my children. I was raised Catholic by my father and was closer to him. I have felt obligated to look after her out of love for my dad. My problem is I escaped the abuse in my marriage only to be at her mercy again. I have spent five decades like this. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on the receiving end of this irrational, miserable human being. How do I separate myself without the guilt? It would take forever to explain all she has done and all I’ve suffered.

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Monica July 7, 2015 at 5:19 pm

I let my children hang around my NM. Bad, horrible idea! We don’t let strangers talk trash to our kids; why would we let family members?

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Melissa April 30, 2015 at 2:19 am

SO much has began to click reading through this page and the personal stories shared here, I am 27 yrs old and only as of recently realized that I have a NM.

My entire life I have thought that something was wrong with me, that everyone else deserved more than me, were somehow more worthy and that I would never be good enough.

The feeling of constantly walking on eggshells, automatically expecting explosive reactions from other people and feeling that anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault ( I noticed this in the office one day, there was a problem in another department and my brain automatically jumped to the conclusion that somehow I was the one to blame for the problem). These have been a few of the red flags that started me off in my research into understanding WHY.

I am beginning to understand that I have a lot of pent up anger. Infact, to my surprise, my Piper abuse score is highest in Anger Awareness. As a child it was unthinkable for me or my sisters to go against what my mother said without suffering severe consequences, but as I got older I began to stand up for myself ( or at least try).

A few years ago, I came home from college to find that my NM had thrown away a good deal of my things without my consent. Her defense was that if the things she had thrown away had meant so much to me, I should have taken them with me to college (bc obviously a dorm room is large enough to hold 20 years worth of posessions). This created a huge fight , I was screaming and crying while my NM laughed and mimicted my frustrated behavior asking with sarcasm ” why are you so upset?” and telling me that I was having such an ugly reaction because I didn’t want to admit that she was right, and that I ” think I know everything”.

I have been living abroad for the last 5 years ( 4000miles away), and have maintained a low level of contact with my parents, yet I will often dream that I am screaming at and physcially fighting with my mother. These dreams with occur seemingly out of the blue, when I haven’t even been in contact with my mother for some time.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar?

It may sound stupid, but this past weekend I went to an amusement park and noticed that screaming my by head off on the roller coasters really helped.

I am SO grateful to have discovered this blog! Thank you for everyone for sharing their stories, it is such a relief to know that I am not alone and to feel that someone actually believes me , instead of brushing off my frustration with ” yeah, sometimes my mom is annoying too”.

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Frustrated May 1, 2016 at 3:55 pm

Wow. A lot of that sounded like my wife’s mother who is probably a NARC. I hate that 90-year-old demon with every fiber in me and am becoming angry with my wife who enables and defends her mother (even though my wife is the SG and often argues with her mother). To go against that woman still results in consequences, even for my wife, and even when I have stood up to her mother she goes ballistic and my wife will always take her mother’s side (I think it is expected of my wife). NMIL believes she is always right and no one is to question that, and my wife does not want to hear me express any negative sentiments towards her mother. I am losing my patience fast.

This blog is indeed a godsend. At least here one can know they are not alone.

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Kell July 26, 2016 at 8:41 pm

Melissa, this is incredibly late but I have had multiple dreams over the years where I am literally violently punching my mother repeatedly in the face. They have been so real at times I awoke terrified that it was real. I have so much rage and hostility that I still need to work through. Feels very lonely and makes me feel different and guilty to see other people praise their mothers to the heavens and back, and part of me deep down still questions whether it’s something about me that has kept the relationship with my mom so dysfunctional.

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Elizabeth October 22, 2016 at 11:05 pm

Kell, believe me, it’s not you – it’s your mother! When my NM did something especially painful and egregious a few years ago, I flew into a rage and fantasized slamming her head against the wall and throttling her until blood gushed out of her mouth! I drove past her workplace several times and waved my fist in the air and shouted at the top of my lungs (while still in my car driving with the windows up), “I’ll Kill You – I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!! When I got home I did the same thing, except I screamed into a pillow instead. I pretended she was standing in front of me and I warned her that if she EVER came back into my next life, I would MURDER her. This anger and acting-out went on for a few days until I felt that I had gotten most of it out of my system. I honestly thought that this fury would cause me to have a stroke! That was the beginning of the end of my relationship with her – I had finally seen her for the Evil Bitch that she truly was. Next month I’ll be celebrating three years of NC with this POS. I ‘ve never felt better and just wish that I would have had the courage to do this three decades ago. I’m now 54 years young and plan to enjoy the rest of my life without her in it. Take care.

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Lydia August 6, 2016 at 9:57 am

Melissa,
Always late because I just joined recently but if you read this, you are not alone in having recurring nightmares.  I had them about my mother in my late 20’s / early 30’s, early in my marriage. I too found that going to college sporting events / amusement parks helped if I screamed my head off there. But I thought everyone had nightmares like mine – it was part of separating from family. (So silly now, to think that.) 

So glad you moved 4000 miles away. I hope you are building a wonderful life. We live with an entire state between us in the US, and it’s not far enough. My NM loved to play the “cat and mouse” game with me too. I once drove 500 miles to pick up some of my high school art work (sentimental value, including one 36″ by 24″ custom framed work) before she moved. When I left my home swore she had it but when I arrived she “couldn’t remember” where it was and “besides the truck is packed already. I’ll have to mail it to you.”

That was ten years ago. She’s moving again and I just got this VM that she “needs my help, because BTW, I think I found your artwork, so you should really come and get it.”

Not worth it. Get out when you can and stay out. Calibrate your BS detector and Stay strong. — Peace

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Jen May 4, 2015 at 11:44 pm

Even in my mid 40s I still find the anger to be unbearable on a regular basis. My N mother used her OCD to control me growing up and I lived in constant fear. Bullies would triangulate me and watch her freak out on me as she would take me outside to slap me left and right sides of the face to make sure the whole apartment complex could see she was a diligent mother. She was the most unsafe person for any child to be left with and yet she moved me from school to school every time I developed any social network as it was too threatening for her. I just can’t speak to the devastation I feel to this day of being overcontrolled, shamed, grabbed by the face and head so often and such. I don’t understand why it still bothers me but it truly does inspire hate and anger in me. It gets rebooted weekly when she comes to my home and visits my young family. Refers to me only in the third person as “my daughter”. Am strongly considering going NC because I don’t see my symptoms abating with LC. Just am grateful for any resource that speaks to the harm this does.

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Em May 9, 2015 at 5:00 pm

Mothers Day always makes me feel sad. My mother and I have not spoken for a month since her father passed away. I told her what days I was not working (I am a nurse and uni teacher) so I could attend the funeral, so of course she planned it on the day I was working! I rang her to apologise and she would not answer my calls. Then my little brother (who she recruits to do all her dirty work) rang me to abuse me, calling me selfish and thoughtless etc… Then my mother went on Facebook and put a public comment up about how I am a uncaring thoughtless daughter (I have lots of fellow nursing colleagues as friends on FB so my mother’s purpose was to publicly humiliate me). I was not online for a day or so, so found out only after a friend texted me to tell me how sorry she was that my mother had done that! I rang my mother to ask her why she wanted to hurt me, her response was “you have no concern for my feelings, I thought everyone deserved to see your true colours.”

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Sweet Petunia June 5, 2015 at 12:07 pm

Em, Mother’s Day and my mother’s birthday tear me apart too. Your situation sounds so much like mine. After no contact with her for more than a year because she erased me from her life like I never even existed, I was feeling sad when her birthday rolled around so I sent her a small gift (still trying to get her love and acceptance, pretty pathetic, huh?) . At this point I still had not discovered/realized that she is a textbook narcissist personality.

Two weeks later she signed her house over to the Golden Child (who is also a narcissist and a criminal who is even worse than she is). The house was supposed to be sold and proceeds divided equally between us when she was gone. Just one more twist of the knife in my back from both of them. She probably thought I wouldn’t find out about it until she was gone and she could still torture me from the grave.

Now I have to figure out how I am supposed to accept this knowledge of what she is, what he is, and what they have done to me for the last 50+ years, and how am I going to go on with my life after having the rug ripped out from under me and knowing that what I believed to be a close relationship with my mom was nothing more than a façade and a decades long act of manipulation and using me until I started seeing through her and I became the scapegoat.

How am I supposed to even begin to process that this late in my life?

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MP November 3, 2015 at 8:12 pm

Melissa, thank you for what you wrote. I could have written it myself. I’m 61 and still utterly trapped. I always assumed there was something fundamentally wrong with me – in all circumstances and situations. I have a husband and two wonderful children, but I have no friends. I’ve met a lot of nice people over the years, but I have no idea how to “be” with them – I have no idea who “I” am. I’m so afraid of people. Only this past year have I learned of this NM issue and the effect it has. When I was about 8 years old, I asked my Mom whether I had the right to call myself “I.” I was serious. She laughed out loud and told me I was a foolish little girl. To this day, I feel as though I don’t belong among the “special” people.

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LO December 24, 2015 at 10:34 am

What a godsend this site is! Thank you to all who have left their experiences here. I’m having a great deal of difficulty getting traction in life after having to leave a dysfunctional family of origin system and narcissistic mother and then ex-husband. I’m 55 now and lost so much financially as a result of my enmeshment and co-dependence with my parents. I have an excellent and supportive therapist who is an expert in family systems and discourse. The challenge is that the hole is so big – I can’t seem to find who I am or my place in the world. I am afraid of re-engaging with life. Intellectually I understand but my body remembers. I feel very lost.

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Marvin January 19, 2016 at 8:53 pm

I FINALLY am finding out the answer to my HUGE question that needed to be answered for my ENTIRE life. I ALWAYS always always try to figure out what am I DOING WRONG>>>> I try to parent my children to be independent, but when my mother is involved, it is as if I am doing a deadly sin by letting my children make their own sandwiches, do a few a chores, etc. I have four children, and when she upsets me my first instinct is “You have to protect your children.” My daughter has nightmares that involve my own mother? WHY have I JUST NOW at 35 realized this? There control tactic is emotional and financial with a sarcastic dash of pitting, and demeaning. I CANNOT believe I just read the answer as to WHY. All of my life, from a VERY young age, I have been wanting out. The very same night I graduated high school I was gone. It is really weird, as I thought I was such a screw up, my entire life. I am emotionally broke, and now because I am a medically retired veteran, with four children, I have no choice, for my children’s well being to be here. This time when I returned “home,” I saw it, but I still couldn’t understand it. I, now, do. My story is SO long, anything from memories of hiding under my bed from my mother being drunk, to building me up, and then all of a sudden, seemingly knocking me emotionally, and it seems as though it is purpously done. She does not act herself when my sister, the absolute perfect, but yet completely sheltered child is around. So my sister is a victim as well, just used a different tactic, from what I gather. The pitting of us two is sickening. When we are around each other alone, we are fine. I am finding my mother plays off of myself, my younger sister, and my step father (which I just found out about). My step father is her enabler, anytime something is wrong with her, it is my fault, no matter what. I remember watching my sister at young age, she was whining she was hungry, and I was told not to cook. I cooked for her, because if they came home and she was upset, I was done, but because I cooked I was done. I was screwed either way. I JUST started seeing this about a month ago. This is all so new to me, but makes SO MUCH sense. I question myself everyday if I am crazy, what can I do, what can I fix? My mother tells my children of all the f ups, excuse me for being blunt, that I did as I was the “f up” child. She laughs when I am struggling with my children, and gloats that she will on a beach sipping margaritas. I would never think of doing this to my children, but yet she is seen as a saint to most, but SOME can right through her. I am in shock, and I have a lot of healing to do. Right now I am in protection mode, for my children. I am afraid of her and my father, and I truly think they are evil people. And I feel guilty for thinking this. Anyone that can help with this would be great, as now that I have realized, I have absolutely NO ONE to confide in. I used to think it was her, HUGE mistake. 35 years old, divorced from an abusive relationship, that my mother sided with my EX! Because of this, my children were hurt. They used financial power to control this situation and even paid for the divorce. It was actually THE best thing that had EVER happened to me, as I became independent, fully, as I was always referred to as the independent child, which seemed to irk my mother. Unbelievable, there is an answer. I can’t say enough that I am in shock, that I am not alone and I just found out my 30 year question of WHY: and WHAT am I DOING SO WRONG. Anger, hatred, impulse to protect my children from them, guilt loss. What?

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Marvin January 20, 2016 at 4:22 am

See? I woke this morning, feeling guilty for ever writing anything here. Although, I know in my head that these are facts, I feel badly for writing them. I always this “something is wrong” feeling in my gut. I really need to know if this the problem in our household. It sounds just like my sister, myself, my mother (more than likely NM) and my “father,” the enabler of my mother. I REALLY would like some feedback, as it is a critical point in my life to figure out what in the world is wrong in this household. My sister’s husband stated me, I don’t ever see her act like this, which was VERY surprising to me, and my response just fell out of my mouth. I said, “Well, the wife you are seeing now, is the only way I have known her to be. I thought she had changed, and I had a friend, and as I was saying this I held back my tears.” We do not cry in public, or in open in this family, it is weak. In need of someone’s Anyone’s insight. Thank you.

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TheDaughter February 11, 2016 at 3:12 am

Please see my reply to you and stay strong!

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Nancy March 4, 2016 at 10:31 am

Hi Marvin, sounds like you have a narcissistic mother. Always protect your children. I tried to protect my children from my mother but, of course couldn’t completely protect them. I did not really know what I was dealing with until about a year ago. Little by little and bit by bit the truth of what happened has become evident. My children hate her even now though. I hate her too. She is 89 and I am the only left out of our little nuclear family of 4 to help her. I fight anger every time I am around her. She did so many things throughout my life. It is very difficult to deal with. Thanks for just letting me express this little bit.

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Papillion May 6, 2016 at 10:31 pm

Marvin,

I hope that things are becoming clearer for you, and that you are slowly becoming stronger. The path of recovery is neither quick nor painless, but it is so very worthwhile!

I really appreciated the part of your earlier post when you pointed out that independence seems to strongly trigger the N. Probably others’ health, happiness and independence is what pisses them off the most, LOL. But having said that, over the years I have learned that they are so sick, that they will say or do or use *anything* against their targets–positive or negative–just to throw the target off balance, make them “wrong,” try to gain control, try to put themselves in a position of perceived power, try to create distractions from their own terrible behavior, etcetera, ad nauseam.

A lot of Ns learned their behavior from seriously messed up upbringings, which may have involved war, dire poverty, criminals, religious abuse, sexual abuse, substance abuse, etcetera. Many of these issues are intersectional, so even if there is no N-support group near you, you may find it helpful to attend a group which focuses on an issue like Co-Dependency, just to observe different ways of communicating. Sometimes it does feel as though nobody outside of these groups/forums really understands the truth of what we have lived with!

You and your children are worth protecting. Without an intervention, an abuser’s behavior tends escalate over time. (You may also wish to Google a graphic illustration of the Wheel of Power and Control, which explain the cyclical nature of abusive behavior.)

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Lydia August 6, 2016 at 10:34 am

Here’s my experience. Hope it helps. Sounds like your kids are young, So protect them with all you can. Listen to your gut even if it feels like overkill at times. 

My NM started a PR campaign for herself, early on showering my pre-teens with giftcards and money and shopping sprees to “buy” their affection. She also love-bombed them on FB and other social media. As they grew she directly messaged them with “I’d SO love to see you; why don’t you come to my house for a sleep over/ movie night/ vacation/ week this summer?” and so on. 

Directly cutting you out of the picture. 

This is problem with socia media. In the old days everyone in the house could hear the teenager’s convo with grandma on the one housephone– today, everything is done online. 

I’ve never wanted to “keep” my kids from having a relationship with Grandparents but bec she is an proven NM, she only sees my kids as “trophies” to “show off.” As objects. 

And while our society can make kids center of attn, I try to instill a sense of social graces in my kids. (ie,  You speak, then let others speak, etc.)
 
But from my observation of her interactions with them over the years (at family functions, etc.) she doesn’t even LISTEN to them answering her questions. She just talks right over them as if they are not there. They have made up their own minds that they don’t want much to do with her, Thank God. 

My NM sees this as a game and a challenge and she is in it for the long haul. So gear up. Do all you can to nip it in the bud. Sometimes kids have to go to Grams for a week to see for themselves. If it’s safe, let them try it. But Address NM directly when she tries to intervene or discredit you to your own children. Draw firm boundaries with her. Monitor her social media interactions w/ them as long as you can stand it. 

But know in your heart that good will prevail. 

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TheDaughter February 11, 2016 at 3:12 am

Marvin – do not feel guilty! You are just writing the truth about your life. Narcissists are evil people, they have no empathy, and they control and manipulate. As difficult as it seems, do the right thing and take care of yourself and your immediate family. Have no guilt and work through your anger and sadness. You can right this wrong you have endured by changing things for your children’s lives and love them unconditionally. It is okay to feel anger, but please do not let it consume you.

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Tracy March 21, 2016 at 10:51 am

Hi,

My name is Tracy and I will be 42 years old next week on Easter weekend. I didn’t want my NM at my house for my B-day so we had an early Easter dinner this past weekend. Needless to say, I was wreck all day yesterday. It’s like I dread her coming for 2 weeks, then she comes and then I have to break down crying and emotionally try to cope with her destruction from the day. I finally decided yesterday to get on here and really start working on me.

I was always in the hero/golden child role most of my life. From a very young age like 4, I can remember the responsibility put on me to make her feel better and take on her feelings. I have one sister who is 7 years younger. My father passed away when I was 12 and my mother moved along to another man immediately. We were never able to grieve for our father. There were never any photos of him around the house. And, he was made out to be a bad person. About 2 years ago, I realized I had a NM. She’s played my sister and I against each other our entire lives. Luckily, we both realized what was happening around the same time. We’ve come so far in 2 years and now have each others backs. But, we are constantly going through so many roles and emotions. We both try to get away from her but we can’t. On top of all of this, my 21 year old daughter announced she is gay and this past weekend was the first time that my NM met her partner. I’m sure everyone can only imagine how hard that was for me. I didn’t eat all day, I was sick, I just hate the way I feel when she’s in my home, on the phone, etc I panic when the phone rings. I hate this feeling.

I’m so full of hate and disgust for her. It’s hard to look at her. I think she knows that I’m stronger and don’t need her. I think she’s probably scared that she’s lost her hero. She’s now in a stage of “Disowning me” it seems. Little things like calling me by my name in person when she greets me instead of saying, Hi, sweetie it’s Hi Tracy. Little things that only I see and hear. She’s so incredibly rude. She criticizes EVERYTHING, makes disgusting faces when she’s not happy and has this terrible “laugh” which is so sarcastic. Does anyone else experience the “faces.” This past Christmas I balled like someone had died after she left my house because of a poinsettia. Yep, you read that correctly. A poinsettia in an ivy plant that I had bought. I said, “isn’t that pretty” (BIG MISTAKE). She went on to tell me how ugly and fake it looked. Then a week later informed me how ugly my entire house was decorated and why don’t I ever buy any new decorations. That night I felt like someone had died and all over a poinsettia. I’m just at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Luckily, I live about 40 minutes away and have been able to distance myself some. I know boundaries need to be set, I just don’t know where to start or how. Can anyone tell me what happens to the NM if you cut them out completely? I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but of course I do. I have huge issues with guilt when it comes to everyone and everything. Anyways, have any of you heard how your NMs have done once you moved on? I’m fearful she will commit suicide. She’s threatened that since I was 4 or 5. She’s extremely depressed most of the time.

Any help or advice would be so greatly appreciated!

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Tina April 6, 2016 at 12:34 pm

Hi Tracy,

Gosh I really feel for you and so completely understand where you are coming from. I was also the golden child and meant to feel I was responsible for my NM feelings. Over the years I had to distance myself from her insanity. She has essentially pushed everyone away with her rage and blame game. We had a big upset in our family recently and it has come to the point that I cannot have any contact with her. I am in my early 50’s and it has taken my whole life to feel justified for not being in any contact.

I have been wracked with guilt but also know I must protect myself and my family. We really did try to hold it together with her for so many years but because of her actions, it has not been possible. And I think this is what you must consider when you are facing your own guilt and decision to see her or not. You must remember that you are acting sane and kind and with only the best intentions and she is incapable of that and will push your buttons every single time. You only get one life and while we must each make decisions for ourselves for what we are willing to endure, I say living a life surrounded with positivity and regard for humanity makes us better people during our time on earth. We cannot save even our own mothers if they are incapable of understanding or accepting that they have produced the outcome of their own lives. This is what I review in my own head all the time and it really helps center me.

I live with guilt and grief and sadness and with mother’s day coming up I’m going to come up with something to do with my own family so that we can all be happy. It will be the first mother’s day where I will have absolutely no contact. I had to block her calls and she has not tried to contact me by email or regular mail, which she could do if she wanted to. I tell myself I am better off, even though it does hurt to be at this point. I have also wondered about her committing suicide but what can I possibly do? I know she needs help and it is devastating to have seen her suffer my whole life but she has been told over and over again that she needs help and she has refused to even consider anything anyone says. Do yourself a favor and do not play the What If game in your own mind. You cannot predict the future and although she talks about suicide, it is definitely an attention getter which would pull you right in to the madness. I know it sounds harsh but for me, I’ve needed to free myself from thinking I have any responsibility over anyone else, including my mentally ill mother.

Please remember to love yourself every single day and never feel guilty for that. You deserve it and you will be amazed by the wonderful things that open up for you.

I also think that being honest, which takes some guts, is the best way to communicate with your NM. If you say “I do not like the way you speak to me and I will not engage with you this way”, or whatever, I think it really helps you take ownership of your own well being. She still might not really get it and it’s not about attacking her but standing up for how you expect to be treated. It took me many years to get up the nerve to say how I felt and I haven’t expressed the half of it. So, in the end, silence has been the best policy and I now have room in my brain to focus on many things in my own life. I have no idea if I’ll ever speak to her again. It’s a strange feeling, but also freeing. I wish you well.

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broken November 10, 2016 at 10:44 pm

Your stories could be mine. I was the golden child, but that meant my childhood was solely devoted to keeping her happy. I was an anxious depressed child trying to be a therapist for her mother, while my siblings still to this day hate and blame me for their problems.

Of course, I became a nurse and then married a man with BPD, a life sentence. I was created only to serve others.

She destroyed all of her children.

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Gemma July 13, 2016 at 10:33 am

Ever since I can remember I haven’t been looked at the same as my mums two boys. I’m too loud to outgoing too ambitious.
ive always though I’m crazy and people have told me I’m too short tempered, but I’m not she’s cleverer than me she does things secretly she puts me down and seems so sweet and innocent to people outside the family.
My mother plays the victim and God does she play it well… It’s Oscar worthy …. When she washes up we have a running commentary of how I never help and how useless I am and how she wishes God would just take her … I can’t go on much longer like this it’s been my whole life and I just want a break … No one believes me my brothers either ran away and the other teams up with her because she gives him money … My partner is sick of hearing about it… I’m stuck I don’t earn enough to move … I’m considering just ending it all … If I does she wouldn’t cry Oh god Gemma’s dead she had her whole life before her… She would cry oh god My daughter is dead … It’s always about how if effects her … She blanks me and will not speak or look at me for days … And then from know where speak to me again like her disgusting behaviour didn’t happen … We live under a black cloud of her moods and my farther is an alcoholic who does anything to avoid what will interrupt his drinking…. Just need to know that things will get better because I don’t think I can cope anymore … Thanks for reading my first time Doug something like this

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Gemma July 13, 2016 at 10:35 am

Apologies for the Bad spelling in the last post I was upset!

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Susan August 31, 2016 at 6:51 pm

I suffer frequently from the toxic negative effects of the anger I feel towards my narc. Mother. I am mad at myself for taking her abuse for so long. I am 51 and just learned about narcissism a couple of years ago. She is a psycho somatic narc who is also addicted to painkillers and tranquilizers. In her old age this combination has become more than I can handle. The drugs have stripped away any filter that she had on her mouth. Blurts out any and all hateful comments and insults and doesn’t care who she hurts. Won’t acknowledge or ever apologize for any of it. I went no contact about 18 months ago. I am torn up inside because I also lost my father when I cut her off. He is the ultimate enabler. Has stood idly by while she pushed away every single member of his family from his parents to his kids and grandkids. Never has and never will stand up to her. She treats him like a gutter rat. He doesn’t see it. This has been a source of pain for me since I was a little girl. I always loved my daddy and looked up to him. He is a sweet man but she has taken over completely. He even denies her addictions. I had to walk away! I have teenagers and I don’t want them exposed to it. So, now I’m “the bad one”. I have lost my parents and am riddled with guilt. This has morphed into terrible anger. Every day another negative incident from the past pops into my brain like poison and ruins my day. I beat myself up for taking it from her for so long. The last straw was when she started on my 2 girls. Hurt them and you hurt me x1000. What do I do with this pain and anger? I need to get rid of it but I can’t. I suppose it will be cathartic if I was to exact revenge by saying and doing all the same to her but I don’t think I will ever get the chance.

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Erin September 27, 2016 at 4:38 pm

I’ve always been an intense child. My mother, when i wasn’t behaving like a little girl should, would compare me to my bipolar aunt. it shut me up because it scared me. My aunt was “bad” and I was being “bad” and would grow up mentally unstable like my aunt (guess what – I didn’t). She would tell me I was bipolar and if I tried to deny I was bipolar that was actually further proof I was and that I had to listen to her because she knew. this followed me most of my childhood. Mistakes were really bad and very big deals. I would feel so guilty and ashamed. She didn’t like the music I listened to so she bought me christian music to try to persuade me to listen to something more appropriate. I love the colors purple, blue and green and she always called those “the colors of a bruise” and why didn’t I like pink and yellow – cheerful colors like she did. If I didn’t do well in school, it was bad. If I liked a boy, it was bad. I had “tunnel vision” something she still brings up today. I try to point out that my focus has brought me a lot of ability and stability but she still treats it like its a bad thing. If I don’t respond to her text messages or talk to her enough, she pushes my buttons. she knows just how to piss me off then when I do get angry and verbal she says I’m in a bad place and taking it out on the people who love me. i can never win. I went to a therapist last week who told me both she and my ex were narcissistic. they aren’t evil narcissists….they have this image of themselves and unless you feed it (which i’ve never been good at) you bump into that narcissistic rage and its ugly. i would tell my mom I wasn’t happy with my ex and she told me to reconsider, that he loved me and that i was being unrealistic. he nearly set the house on fire in a drunken stupor for her to say “oh he’s not good enough for you” like she’d been saying it all along….i had a lot of things happen at once that forced me to see, within the last month, that things were not right. i had talked to the therapist 5 years ago and while at th etime she didn’t say Narcissistic (I had a hard time explaining what my mother was to her becasue she can be so nice and sweet and motherly) but she used the word “sadistic” to describe what she said to me as a child about my mental health (which never was an issue but boy did I think i had issues in my 20s). last week when I realized my ex and her had so many things in common, i was able to describe more of what they did and she described what they were. she told me not to respond to my mother’s button pushing (boy is that hard – she mocks me or does whatever it takes to get me to respond). I really feel like my mother has this image of herself only as a mother to fulfill her and me being now 34…i don’t need her like that. i was never comfortable with my mother. i always sensed somethign was off. i never had the relationship with my mother other girls did. i didn’t want to talk to her about everything. and now i find when i do, she doesn’t get it, or she has potential ammo to use against me and tell me i have tunnel vision, i’m unstable, i’m in a bad place and that’s why i’m mad at her when she pushes my buttons (on purpose). mom will never change. we had a blow out a few weeks ago that led to the therapy session and i’ve only seen her once. i’m not really talking to her. i respond to her texts a bit but she’s not texting me a lot. now that i know and understand what she is, i’m struggling to figure out how the hell to move forward. i think limiting contact is necessary but with the holidays coming….i’ve not been comfortable around my mother since i broke up with my ex months ago –well less comfortable with her than usual. i think subconsciously i sensed the similiarities. i’m afraid of dating now. if i called her energy to me by dating someone with the same kind of narcissism she has….i’m afraid of doing it again…

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Dawn November 10, 2016 at 8:50 am

As a child i was the yOunger sibling there was only me and my sister no other children and i was constantly told i was a “Bad un” and played off against y sister and shown how well she was doing or old how lever she was and i could be to if i tried harder but no matter how i tried it never changed anything, thisin turn turned my sister into a little snitch who would delight in telling my parents anything and everything she could think of that might get me into trouble and grounded i spent alot of my childhood that i remember grounded to my bedroom only allowed out to use toilet then right back in there and allowed to table for evening meal otherwise they didn’t interact with me, during this time mother fell ill and for the next 2 yrs i can hardly remember seeing her she spent a long time in hospital and at my grandmothers home why me and my sister and father where at home, i tried my hardest to please only 11yrs old and cooking tea for me and my sister and father because i knew he would be tired all day and i really wanted to please him and mother, during this time, my sister as usual never missed a chance to drop me in it and loved telling me how bad I was and how i would go to a bad girls home and slowly the idea must of caught on because even my aunts and uncle’s started to say this to me and jump on anything they perceived as naughty, i was a bright child i think and all i wanted was to be loved for being m but it never happened, my mother got sicker and sicker and one day i remember going to my grandmothers and seeing the priest saying prayers over my mother in bed not moving just lay there and I didn’t know it at the time he was giving her the last rights and i remember thinking “Is my mum going to die”…….during this time also my grandmothers brother started to sexually abuse me so now as well as having the narcissistic father and spiteful sister making my life a misery had this guy constantly trying to get me alone or touching me when all the family where there but when they couldn’t see, so believe i must of started to be naughty and i would stay out later than i should of done but i didn’t want to go home i hated it and remember wanting to be dead and i was only 11yrs old….after a few months i was pregnant but my abuser had told me if i told anyone he would tell them i was telling lies and i’d get in load of trouble and be sent away to a bad girls home and o pregnant at just 12yrs old my mum started to get better she asn’t dying after all and so they took me to have th baby aborted and she said i could have a pot noodle for my tea why it was my favourite food back then, to this day it braks my heart to think i was murdering a baby of mine and i got a pot noodle for doing it….but it is what it is my parents also brought in the local authority telling them i was bad and a social worker started to come and see me a few times each week this went on for about 4 months but i was getting worse at hoe because i was so angry and i would get pushed so far off them all i felt like i was on a spiders web and the spider was trying to get me all the time, constantly on edge because my sister was constantly looking fo the slightest thing to drop me in it and so where both my parents i feel as if i became something for them to focus on for all that ailed them then 6wks after meeting my social worker i was told to get ready for school the day after my social worker was calling to see me she would take me to school afterward, oh yes she came alright with 2 massive guys and they told me i was going into an approved schol to see if they could mend my ways and that was it, 12yrs old budled into a car and taken to a lock up in St Helens in the UK i was there till i turned 16yrs of age, they unlocked every door in front of me and lckd every door behind me and they thought i was naughty but compared to the girls n this place i wasn’t naughty at all, i mean there where girl in there that where drug users nd prostitutes and that place became a lerning ground for me, every adult i met lied to me and taught me that to have control over others with what you knew about them was what made you strong, to be able to fight all of them is what made me strong, to have people fear me is what made me strong and many other lesson i was taught all nothing to do with the real world and fo good measure i was abused and beaten in his lock up, my parents came to visit once every 2 wks they said they couldn’t come every week because the expense was just to muchand also they told me every single time about 5 times each visit as if for good measure that “It cost 100 pounds a week to keep me in this place” and we sat 3 to a table i could only ever have 2 visitors at a time and we all faced the desk at the front in th middle of like a horse shoe formation is how i can describe the table’s we sat at for this hour long visit every week and the only reason i looked forward to it was because i could smoke a many ciggarettes as they would bring me and at that age and in front of the other girls it looked cool for me to have loads of smokes, and so by the time i go out of that place i had no idea what real love was, i’d never had anyone really ove me and so i moved back to my parents home and i was forced to do a job filling shelveS in a shop, they wouldn’t let me Choose what i wanted to do FOR A LIVING AND I HATED LIVNG IN THEIR HOUSE, FOR THEM NOTHING HAD CHANGED AND IN THE FIRST WEEK I WAS BEING TOLD I’D NEVER BE ANY GOOD OR CHANGE MY WAYS, I WAS A WASTE OF SPACE AND SO THE FIRST BOY I CAME ACROSS THAT SHOWED ME ANY ATTENTION I FELL FOR HED OVER HEELS, I DIDN’T KNOW HE JUST ANTED SEX, I REALLY THOUGHT HE LIKED ME AND SO I HAD SEX WITH HIM 1 TIME AND NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN AND GUESS WHAT? i WAS PREGNANT AS SOON AS i TOLD MY MOTHER SHE THREW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH ALL MY CLOTHES AND TOLD ME TO NEVER COME BACK AGAIN, FROM THERE I WENT INTO ANOTHER ESTABLISHMENT BUT IT WAS A CHILDREN’S HOME UP UNTIL HAVING MY BABY AND MY PARENTS LET ME COME HOME TO LIVE AGAIN, FROM THE START THEY TOOK OVER AGAIN AND I WASN’T ALLOWED TO BREATH, I COULD LOOK AFTER MY DAUGHTER WHICH I DID AND DID WELL BUT I HATED THEM ALL WITH A PASSION AND THE FIRST CHANCE I GOT I WAS OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND I MET ANOTHER BOY AND HAD A SON WITH HIM AND WE WAS OK-ISH FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS BUT HE HAD ISSUE’S TOO AND WE ENDED UP ON DRUGS AND MY PARENTS CONVINCED ME MY DAUGHTER WOULD GET TAKEN OFF ME AND I SHOULD LET HER LIVE WITH THEM AND GIVE THEM CUSTODY AND I DID AND FROM THERE I WENT HEADLONG INTO A WORLD OF DRUGS AND PROSTITUTION AND SHOPLIFTING TO SUPPORT MY HABIT AND ALL THIS TIME I WAS HOMELESS, I USED TO TURN UP AT MY MOTHERS WHEN I WANTED TO SEE MY DAUGHTER FOR AN HOUR OR TWO WHICH SHE LET ME DO FOR SO LONG AND THEN SHE TOOK ME TO COURT TO TRY AND GET ME STOPPED FROM EVER SEEING MY KIDS AGAIN, LUCKILY THE JUDGE REFUSED AND MY HEALTH VISITOR AND DOCTOR SPOKE UP FOR ME AND SAID WHAT A GOOD MOTHER I HAD BEEN WHEN I WAS ABLE TO AND THEY HELPED ME GET IT FIXED WHERE MY MOTHER HAD TO LET ME HAVE ACCESS TO MY CHILDREN, DURING THIS TIME HER AND MY FATHER HE WAS JUST AS BAD THEY WOULD TELL ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN HOW THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND H0W ASHAMED THEY WHERE OF ME ETC IT TOOK ME UNTIL I WAS 40 YEARS OLD WITH A LIFETIMES OF EXPERIENCE UNDER MY BELT AND HAVING MET EVERY TYPE OF PERSON GOING TO B ABLE TO START TO PROCESS WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME …I AM NOW ALMOST 49 YRS OLD AND ANGRY AT THEM BOTH, SO ANGRY AND EVEN NOW THEY NE ER TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND THE COURSE MY LIFE TOOK THEY TELL ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO WILL LISTEN THAT I WAS A BAD ONE AND WOULDN’T LEARN MY LESSON OR DO AS I WAS TOLD……NOT SURE I’L EVER BE AT PEACE BUT I’D SAY IT’S MY FATHER WHO IS MORE NARCISSISTIC THAN MY MOTHER AND MY SISTER SHE’S STILL A BITCH WHO KNIVES ME IN THE BACK AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY AND WE DON’T SPEAK, SHE PRETENDED SHE WANTED TO BE MY FRIEND AND BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I STOPPED USING DRUGS AND STARTED GETTING MY LIFE TOGETHER BUT IT WAS LIES SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE FIRENDS SHE WANTS TO BE ABLE TO COME TO VISIT ME WHEN EVER SO SHE CN FIND OUT ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT START MY PARENTS OFF ON ME AND SHE STILL LIVES AT HOME WITH OUR PARENTS AND I KNOW SHE’S AS MUCH A VICTIM OF THEM AS I AM BUT I CAN’T FORGIVE HER, MANY TIMES I FELT LIKE I WAS DROWNING IN MY LIFE AND TURNED TO MY SISTER FOR HELP AND SHE PUT HER FOOT ON MY HEAD AND PUSHED ME BACK UNDER THE WATER TO DROWN, SHE IS ALMOST 50YRS OLD AND IS BAD WITH HER NERVES, SHE HAS HAD A COUPLE OF BAD BREAKDOWNS AND BEEN HOSPITALISED FOR THEM AND IT WAS ME THAT WENT TO VISIT HER EVERY SINGLE DAY ALONG WITH MY SON AND ME AND MY SON THAT WENT IN ON ANY DOCTORS SESSIONS THEY WHERE HAVING ON MY SISTERS BEHALF TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS TREATED FAIRLY AND PROPERLY BUT EVEN THAT WAS NEVER APPRECIATED SHE TELLS ME SHE DIDN’T ASK ME TO DO ANY OF THAT AND YOU KNOW ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED AND I NEVER HAVE BEEN I’VE THOUGHT I HAD BEEN A COUPLE OF TIMES BUT IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE THEY FOOLED ME INTO THINKING THAT AND SO I WOULD FALL IN LINE WITH SOMETHING THEY WANTED, I AM NOT FOOLED BY ANYTING THEY DO THESE DYS AND I DON’T TRUST ANY OF THEM AT ALL AND DON’T THINK I EVER WILL, INFACT I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVEN GIVE THEM THE TIME OF DAY….WELL ACTUALLY YES I DO I SUPPOSE IT’S IN THE HOPE THAT THEY WIL WAKE UP TO WHAT THEY HAVE PUT ME THROUGH AND THEY WILL TELL ME THEY TRULY LOVE ME…BUT I AM NOT HLDING MY BREATH……A BIT LONG I KNOW AND I M SORRY IT WENT TO CAPITALS HALF WAY THROUGH I AM NOT SHOUTING I SAR….LOL……BUT I HAD TYPED WAY TO MUCH O GO BACK AND CHANGE IT ALL AGAIN…..THANK FOR LETTING E SHARE AND I THINK THIS SITE IS ACE 🙂

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