In some of our survivor stories, you’ve seen competitive narcissistic mothers who can’t bear to have their child be better than them or to outshine the enmeshed other, the Golden Child.
You got it? She wants it. You’re smart? She’s way smarter. You’re pretty? She’s beautiful. Your handsome? Your hers, a representation of her success and don’t you dare put anyone or anything else before her. This is how a narcissistic mother thinks.
Everything you are, she’s better. At least this is what she tries to believe.
She envies your accomplishments and doesn’t approve of anyone else being better than her or letting anyone steal her spotlight. Or, she can’t deal with you outshining her identified Golden Child. The one she has objectified, put on a pedestal and will defend.
If you have a narcissistic mother, you know how awful she can be. She is so competitive to the point that it affects your life, even into adulthood.
Adult children of narcissists (ACONs) know that when you are always being told that you are never good enough, certainly not as good as them, it can either turn you into an over-achiever who is never satisfied with your own achievements, or a self-saboteur with bad relationships.
The “never good enough” feeling can stick with you for years to come because this is what you have always known to be true.
Narcissistic mothers loves to take credit for their children’s accomplishments, saying that if it weren’t for great parenting and advice, you would have never gotten as far as you have.
Or, she did the same thing as you did…only much better.
If she doesn’t think your achievements are worthy of praise, you are ignored or disdained.
If there’s an event where she’s not the center of attention, don’t bother hoping to see her there. She won’t show up to anything where it’s not all about her, or she isn’t able to make it all about her.
If she absolutely has to be there, she will try to spin it to make the spotlight shine all over her. She can manipulate people well. Even if there is no reason for her to be the center of attention, she’ll find a way to be.
If you have something your narcissistic mother wants, she will stop at nothing to get it. She may even steal it right out from under your nose. If she can’t have it, she will spoil it for you.
Or, better yet, she will get the same thing as you, only hers will be much better. She has a way of belittling anything you own or accomplish due to downright jealousy. Nobody is ever allowed to out-do her.
When a narcissistic mother has daughters, she will try to compete sexually with them. She may dress scandalously, flaunt her body, and show everyone she’s still “got it.” You can never be prettier than her. She may forbid you to wear make-up, not allow you to groom yourself properly, and keep you away from the dating scene as long as she possibly can. If you do have a significant other, such as a boyfriend or spouse, she will flirt with this person and even try to damage your relationships. Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother can be incredibly hard and exhausting.
When narcissistic mothers have sons, they believe they should be the partner of choice for their sons. A wife or significant other is an annoyance to be put up with at best and someone to be competed with and shunned at worst. Competitive narcissistic mothers are very stressful mother-in-laws.
A competitive narcissistic mother’s toxic behavior creates chaos in the relationships of the people in her life. She will never be happy for you and the things you do because, on the inside, she is miserable.
In this case of a competitive narcissistic parents, the best thing to do is separate yourself, physically and emotionally, from him or her in order to protect the healthy relationships that you have.
Cut off contact or go low contact with the narcissistic parent by setting boundaries and limiting your expectations that you’ll have a normal and loving relationship with a narcissist.
Sometimes a competitive narcissistic mother forces you to refuse to accept that you two could be any more than biologically connected. You don’t have to continue her legacy. You can refuse to pass along her painful behavior in your own relationships and protect those you love from the narcissist.
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