Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

by Michelle Piper

The road is long and winding for the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Many twists and turns along the way, with no light guiding her. She may feel lost, not knowing which direction she should turn due to lack of guidance and without the proper care and nurturing for her to be able to find her way. Yes, it is true, being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, the route on the road to recovery is not an easy one. But, once you find your way, there is light at the end of the narcissistic tunnel.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother has been psychologically abandoned and abused since very early on in life. Whether she was the golden child or the scapegoat (most likely the scapegoat), she was not given the tools to become an authentic individual. She was made to be an extension of her narcissistic mother and play by the rules her mother has created. She was made to be a carbon copy of her narcissistic mother.

When a narcissistic mother wants the daughter to be a copy of herself, she wishes to use the child as a source of narcissistic supply. Perhaps there’s something she feels she wasn’t able to do in her youth that she expects you to do in yours, or maybe you’re blamed for stealing her life when you were born. Whatever the reason, she feels you “owe her” to be an extension of herself.

Children are naturally and innately dependent on their primary caregiver from birth and the narcissistic mother intends to keep the child dependent on her for as long as she possibly can in order to enjoy a sense of control throughout the child’s entire lifetime. Often, inheritance and financial favors are used by narcissistic parents to manipulate their children throughout their lifespan. The narcissistic mother expects her child to put her needs first, no matter how she treats you, your children or your significant other.

A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.

Having children is seen by narcissistic mothers as the perfect answer to the desire to have a captive narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, the narcissistic mother often gets overwhelmed by the natural demands of a child. Parenthood intensifies the NM’s abusive behavior and the child may then be blamed for the narcissistic mother’s inadequacies or failures. Sadly, many DONM’s are further betrayed by a father that enables the narcissistic mother’s abuse.

She yells at you? It’s your fault.
She hit you? You stressed her out.
She ignored you? You didn’t approach her in the right way.

But, you were an innocent child, not a “mini-me” of the narcissistic mother. A child is born perfectly imperfect, with the need to be protected, accepted, sheltered and nurtured. Answering these normal biological needs are seen by narcissistic parents as favors, not a precious duty, if given at all.

Narcissistic mothers want their child to do what they want, how they want it and when they want it. Many readers of this blog have experienced an “engulfment-abandonment cycle” where the mother engulfs, through boundary-less or abusive behavior, then abandons them when confronted or when something is more interesting to the parent than the child.

As these daughters grow up and become independent beings away from their mothers in order to one day make a life for themselves, select their own choices, and be functioning people in society, the narcissistic parent struggles to retain control. She will continue to force her child into whatever role provides her the most narcissistic supply, such as the blamed scapegoat, the forgotten lost, the falsely empowered golden, or the enmeshed and parentified child.

Because of being the same gender, daughters of narcissistic mothers are especially vulnerable to being seen by mom as a copy of herself. The narcissistic mother can therefore believe she may do as she pleases, physically and emotionally, when it comes to her daughter. She may expect her child to pursue the life partner she chooses. In this case, she wants the daughter’s significant other to be the most prestigious reflection of her genetic material’s potential.

A narcissistic mother will attempt to destroy her daughter’s romantic relationships so she can keep her child around for longer or if she doesn’t see the mate as being a fit counterpart. She will flirt with her daughter’s significant other, spread lies, and manipulate in order to keep her daughter all to herself and retain the narcissistic supply.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are shocked and saddened to catch their mothers lying directly to her own children or spouse. Narcissistic moms try to cause break ups, doing whatever she can to get her daughter back to only having one person in her life: her narcissistic mother.

Sons of narcissistic mothers aren’t immune to being objectified in similar ways by their narcissistic mother, but they may experience less blatant “copy of herself” behavior, like that of buying similar clothes, for instance. Often the narcissistic mom will see your partner alternately as competition or an ally to be manipulated against you. Your well meaning spouse may not understand they’ve a narcissistic mother-in-law and fall prey to her plea for help when you’ve set a boundary and your narcissistic parent is trying to get around it.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can become enraged as mom refuses to see them as their own person and are therefore not treated as such. Conversely, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may not realize this is happening and thus continue to become completely enmeshed with the narcissistic parent.

There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.

Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.

Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.

Both of these tactics, along with numerous other ploys, are how narcissistic mothers try to make their daughter into a clone, a copy of themselves for their own twisted satisfaction. If a daughter of a narcissistic mother tries to gain any sort of independence, it is met with rage and tactics meant to keep the child in her control, terrified of what the narcissistic mother might do if boundaries are enforced or even requested.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers keenly feel the trouble mom has in setting boundaries between the two of them. This can result in the child having psychological symptoms like “dissociating” in order to have a mental if not physical break from the narcissistic abuse.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can also convey their distress through physical symptoms, especially at a preverbal age. Unexplained physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, and muscle twitches or spasms are common non-verbal expressions of anxiety.

Narcissistic enmeshment continues into the adulthood of the daughter. The narcissistic mother will try to intrude on personal relationships, marriage, and child rearing of her child’s kids. As a narcissistic mother-in-law, she will tell her child that his or her partner’s healthy desires for privacy or boundaries are abnormal or manipulative.

Even in death, the narcissistic parent can try to control their daughters, daughter’s children and spouses from the grave by using the assets of their will and their distribution as yet another way to pit the siblings against one another. Pitting people against one another in this way is a toxic narcissistic behavior called splitting.

Sons of narcissistic mothers often are badgered by mom’s incessant desire to control their interactions with their own partners and can feel put in the middle between a mom “who means well” but is intrusive. The narcissistic mother “means well” only for herself. In the case of a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law this is, again, her inability to see her child as separate from herself. She tries to possess the child instead of support the child’s independence with love.

With an engulfing narcissistic mother, it can be very hard to get rid of her. It is important not to buy into her lies, intimidations, and manipulations. Don’t give in to her gaslighting or when she tries to tell you that you won’t be anything without her. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by your narcissistic parent, your time is too precious.

Gain your own financial, physical, and emotional independence from her and do your best to enforce low contact or no contact (although, no contact is extremely difficult with these kinds of narcissistic mothers.) Involve the authorities if you need to or feel you’re in any danger. Protect yourself first. Set firm limits and be strong when enforcing them.

Our community is full of those who work hard to leave the old narcissistic family system. The battles a daughter of a narcissistic mother (DoNM), must fight in order to gain this hard won independence often costs time and tears. Both sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve well earned peace and freedom.

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{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }

Meghann April 15, 2015 at 7:41 pm

You know, it sounds terrible, but I always thought the only way I would get away from my mother was when she died. I just hoped it wasn’t me first from stress, ultimately getting denied those few anxiety and guilt-free years. It sounds terrible but I found myself wishing she would, looking forward to the day she did so I would be released. That’s an awful thing to say and that really isn’t the person I am or want to be but yet it is really honest and self-affirming because at least it shows I believe on some level I deserve a life without this torment and abuse.

The scary thing is that realising that both my dad and sister have the same traits means that I never will be free of it while I am part of this family. It makes it a rolling grief and resentment, with no light at the end of the tunnel. No escape, no reprieve, no safe space to run to, no compassionate ear to understand, no affirmation of shared experiences. Thank goodness for your site and the joys of physical distance.

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Anonymous April 16, 2015 at 7:26 pm

I cant even begin ti tell u the pain and its happening right now….agagain. Im 48 yrs old!! I thought it was me until just,a,few,yrs,ago. She use to tell me that i have always been awful,ever since i was an infant and i “swallowed my own tongue” and had to,stay in the,hospital,for,a week. I believed this!!! U,cant swallow your own tongue! She got pregnant with me to make my father,sTay. He left. He was smart he knew she wasnt right. He eventually moved to australia!! All my life,i,was the,garbage can. I was beautiful, talented and funny. But my mother treated me like dirt. Still,does and now,she is pitting my children against me. My,sister and i have no relTionship because of her,sickness. Everyone thinks she,is just great, and she,works extra hard,for,the,people who,are close to me. I HAVE to disconnect from her because my soul,can,no longer bare her,cruelty but my kids LOVE her and thinks she,is so wonderful. I will be,left,with,nothing she will never stop! Ive lost,every family member, aunts cousins etc because,she manipulates all,of them. Im terrified she will take my kids emotionally away from me. She,has this,power ive,seen,it all my,life. WHt do,i,do?

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Meghann April 21, 2015 at 11:11 pm

I totally relate. It sounds like you need to separate from her. There are good articles here on no contact – I’m getting pointers myself (: Wishing you peace and strength.

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Kylie October 18, 2015 at 7:21 pm

No contact with my mum works best for me.

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JM April 20, 2015 at 1:41 am

Hi Meghann. I know how you feel. I’ve had those same thoughts. It’s not that I have a deadwish for her, I just have a deadwish for her behavior and for how she makes me feel. I’m sick of it. You’re not a bad person for having thoughts like these. I think you’re a good person for believing you deserve a better life. I’m in the process of cutting her loose and stop all contact, but I find that to be very difficult. Especially in these times with social media. She’s “infiltrated” my network on Facebook and it is driving me nuts! I have a father who I believe is also a narc, or at least shows all of the traits. He has never told me he loves me, he never reaches out to me, never helps me, never asks how I’m doing, I’m never good enough, it’s always about him and his awesome skills and bla bla bla… They’ve been divorced since I was very young and it has been war ever since. And – of course – I was their weapon of choice. They used me against each other. But, they did that all for me and my best interest. Can you believe that? Since I stopped talking to my mother, she has been very active on Facebook. I saw that she’s now “friends” with my dad AND his entire family (people she hasn’t spoken with for over 20 years). She posts and comments the nicest things in the world. All to show the world how nice she is and what a wonderful mother she is. It makes me sick, truly sick. It triggers rage in me. It’s like I’m the only person who sees her true intentions. And although I know she is sick, sometimes I feel like I’m the one being crazy. Alos, I can’t break ties with my father. He remarried and together with my stephmother has children. I really love my (half)-siblings and wouldn’t want to miss them. I don’t really know what my purpose in writing all this is. This is also the first time I’ve ever talked about it. I think I just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation and you’re not a bad person for having those thoughts.

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Meghann April 21, 2015 at 11:07 pm

Thank you JM. That means the world. Thanks for your honesty and for reaching out. (: I can’t tell you how much it means to not be alone! I hear you too and I understand your experiences so well. My parents also divorced which was similarly fodder for the drama queen for decades. I was used to personify everything she hated about him and his family and as an example of how much better the new children to my stepfather were, just to rub it in to him.

My dad sounds the same as yours – everything about him and on his terms. I count how often he has missed the big events in my life or hasn’t been there when I needed him. He throws a few bones occasionally but it doesn’t make up for the lack of contact or care.

My mum stalks me on FB too. Rarely writes unless it’s over-the-top sweet and kind too. It makes me sick. For so long I scrabbled for whatever tiny attention I could get but now I just am disgusted and angry. I know it’s hard for other people to see it – I have been blessed with a partner who sees it too and is always disgusted and appalled. After so many years the mask started to fall, so I have someone else who tells me I’m not crazy.

The sweet comments on FB or in cards actually hurt because so often growing up she told me the opposite, like how much she hates me but has to try and love me because I’m hers. I tell you, nothing steals your self-confidence more than feeling you’re so unlovable that not even either of your parents can love you, although they can love your siblings as easily as breathing. The only reason I wasn’t a suicide victim was my grandmother, beautiful friends and partners. And now, my darling children. But I feel guilty for pulling them into this pit of crazy and not being able to give them kind in-laws, grandparents, aunts etc.

You know, I understand second guessing yourself when everyone around you sees differently. I have childhood friends who I suspect don’t believe me. It’s such a manipulative form of abuse, so much grooming, isolating, secrecy and masks. But I’m sure here you have a community that truly gets it and believes you! I have found so much validation here, finding an overarching explanation for everything at long last! I wish you peace on your journey x

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mf July 3, 2015 at 9:30 am

I also had this time, when constantly being abused by my mother I told her many times – I wish you were dead, still I do not know if I am sorry or not. My grandma (my mum’s mother) died last year. I was crying a lot, but she also was this king of not letting me live person, so it was like “now times will be better, maybe….
Now I am living with a narcisstic partner – I am also not feeling nice with it – but if I am to choose – my mother or my psycho partner – I consciously choose the man. I literally have no guts to start on my own.

As I gained my legal ID when 18 – I just started to travel around everywhere just not to be at home with her and not to listen to all this BS. Im 33 now – I wish I could establish some stability in my life, but it seems impossible – as if I am to travel all my life to search for my sancturary until the last days. Every place Im i feel like temporary, like there is no place for me. I do not wish to have children, not any family – just to be able to live independently.

The “vagabund way” became my natural state of being. I like comfort and nice stuff, but in order not to be bothered I rather go live in the tent somwhere in the forest.

I wish I can be happy one day. I wish all readers of this site are happy one day:)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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vy January 28, 2016 at 4:55 am

Thank you and thank this site for at last discovering the true diagnosis of my mother, the person who should be the closest one but who constantly destroy my confidence, my whole life with her remarks. I am 34 now and whole my life as long as I can remember I was running from her…spending time on the street as a teenager, when got older – moving out of her home but just to return after some time. She would always set against me with my brother and he was the one who gave into her manipulations, I don’t believe we would ever have true conversations without her shadow. But one thing I still have is my son. It was the best decision ever. He is my friend and support.

I will try to read the right literature for this and fight against this negativity flow from her…happy to know I am not alone struggling.

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Jade July 15, 2015 at 6:24 am

Meghann, I’m totally in the same boat! It going to be 2 months since I came to this realization about all of this narcissistic hell I’ve been living in. I’m 36 and living at home again, due to my N mother having breast cancer last year (she’s fine now). But that was the perfect opportunity to get me back onto the prison so called “home.” Now that I’m aware of what’s really going on, I feel so soooooooo cheated out of my life. I’ve been in crapy relationship after relationship, crapy friendship after friendship, and now when I really could use a loving mother, it turns out she’s at the root of all my issues. We truly are all alone in this world. My father is enabling and my sister is turning into a replicate of my mother. My sister is the conformer and the close relationship we used to have when she was younger has completely eroded to near extinction. I’m twice her age and she treats me like the child. She sympathizes for me since she views me as her pathetic, older sister that can’t do anything right. I can feel every word that you wrote. There may be no reprieve, but there are compassionate ears to understand and definitely affirmations of shared experiences, even though it is often times pretty lonely sitting there wherever you are. I’m hoping things get better, but for now I just try to tell myself that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live it. Figuring out what way that is is what keeps me still here now.

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Lilly May 18, 2016 at 4:34 am

Wow!! I always felt like this growing up that my only best friend was my mother she would always make sure to remind me keeping me even from going to school to try and make any friends of my own but since I was the only girl raised with four brothers I always wanted my mothers affection so I did everything I was told to do especially when my father and my mom seperated I felt like I owed it to my mother to be an amazing daughter for her suffering as a single parent I would never want to have my father throw something in her face that she didn’t raise us right because to me she didn’t deserve that but as I’m older now I have seen my mothers true colors and realized I was manipulated “don’t make a mistake and make me look like a bad mother after all I have done for you kids especially as a single mother” years later I found out if anything my parents split up because my mother was having an affair ofcourse my dad was the bad guy because according to her “he didn’t safe her or keep her from falling for another man” for a while I even believed that when reality she was an adult in control of her own actions and yes we are all human and make mistakes but to blame someone else for an affair they had is just wrong And the worse part is she actually believed it….I realize that my mom was my “best friend” only when I did everything exactly the way she wanted to even picking the man I married I remember having cold feet because I was so young never spent the night with him and to be getting married well how would I even know if we would work but to my mom it was a sin to live together before marriage I remember wanting to even call the wedding off because I was so scared I mean I loved him but i didn’t know if I was Inlove I remember my cousin notice me nervous told my mom she should talk to me and my mom said “she’s a big he’s a great guy wedding is paid for she will get over what ever she’s feeling” til this day my mother has never mention that conversation my cousin told me she had with her and that really hurt me….thankfully my mom did do one thing right for me my husband is an AMAZING MAN who taught me how to have a voice of my own I started to find out who I was and not who my mother always dreamed of being herself my husband who is now and will most likely always be my bestest friend no matter what trials we go through in life has shown me that it’s okay to have an oppionin and boundaries and that no one not even our mothers should make us feel bad for having them even if it’s with them and now that I have this voice and my mother and I are like night and day we are no longer best friends and she no longer praises my husband infact I believe she’s envious that I have a partner who allows me to grow being so sheltered like I was I could of fell into the arms of another narsasist and would probably still be blinded I’m not going to lie the way my husband showed his love trusting and just loving me for nothing in return I literally thought there was something wrong with him and he didn’t love me when reality I was raised that being loved was suppose to cause pain but that’s just how I was raised now that my mother has no one to live life through or control she has now had to face her own issues which is something a narsastic person never likes to do because in their mind they are “perfect and ppl need them” with that being said my mother tried to commit suicid few months ago and her reason was “her children no longer needed her” my brothers felt sorry for her and well to me it was done in a narsastic way to make us feel guilty all over again for her own actions and I just prayed for her it is a miracle that she is still alive and I only hope that it will bring something good out it like counsling and finally get the help she needs

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Blessed January 1, 2016 at 4:55 pm

You just told how I feel. I see thsi is posted a while ago, but Im new to this site. thank you for being so honest, I needed to read that. I understand, Ive been looking forward to the relief to of them passing. Although I know I need to free myself now or their death will not be a relief. The gravity of the violence is the cause of thoughts like that, and I understand us both.

I feel relieved to see other people also have several people in their family with traits and no safe place. My siblings scare me in different ways. You use my exact words….. thank you. i know the pain. I feel sometimes my heart is so full of grief and so lonely I hardly can bare it. So the only way out in freedom and out of the toxic environment is to walk away from the family. i only have a little contact and have blocked both my parents on the phone and a sister. It has given so much more peace and feeling of safety.

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Dee Dee January 2, 2016 at 7:36 pm

Dear Blessed, I am also new to this site. I just recently came to the realization that my mother is a Narcissist and I’m 61. My whole life I have been the bad little girl, never good enough and the general cause of my mother’s misery. I only have one memory of my mother showing affection to me as a small child. She always told me that love was something you earned, and of course I never earned it. She is now 92 and living in a assisted living situation. Her intention was that I would move back into her house and take care of her. She tried to lure me by promising me her home free and clear when she passed away. Thank goodness I had somewhere else to go and declined that offer. I am now paying the price for refusing. She is now trying to split me from my siblings. It never ends. I am attempting low contact now and trying to overcome the guilt the best I can. It is going to be a ongoing struggle that I hope I can carry out. The emotional pain she has inflicted on me for all my life has to end. I wish you well on your journey and want you to know Im right there with you. Be strong.

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Carol January 6, 2016 at 5:09 pm

Dear Dee: I too only recently recognized that my mother is a Narcissist and I’m 62 and my mother is 90. For years I maintained limited contact with her in order to preserve my sanity. During those years, I learned that I was a worthy person. With the love of a wonderful husband, I was able to find my true self. Oddly enough, watching and following my son’s example of interactions with my mother, I learned to diffuse her affect on me. So much so that 2 years ago I moved back home to take care of her. Fortunately, our home house allows for us to have separate living quarters. It isn’t easy, I admit, but understanding that she does have an identifiable disorder and knowing the traits has really been helpful. I know what to expect from her; what not to expect. The deep pain from the past is past. I know she’ll never apologize or even acknowledge the abuse and that’s okay now because I now understand that she simply isn’t capable of doing so. I also have been sharing the information I’ve learned with my older brother and we have been guiding each other with our new found knowledge. It hasd been truly liberating for us to know that we are not alone. You should not feel guilty. Your mother forced you to choose; her or yourself. You must choose yourself. I suggest you share the information about narcsasistic mothers with your siblings so they can understand that she, not you, are the problem. Good luck.

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TERRY February 21, 2016 at 1:49 pm

I am getting into a similar situation, ! am 61 years old and my mother is 89. I lived at home until my late 30’s when I moved to coastal North Carolina. She thought it unbelievable that I was “leaving her”. I lived there 12 years and moved to try to start an Alpaca business, but I had to give that idea up when I had to go on Social Security Disability due to a severely arthritic ankle. I now own a 3 unit home-I live on one side and rent the other two apartments. She made snarkey comments that I Didn’t have a pot to **** in or a window to throw it out of on several occasions, but this sort of behavior has been going on since I was a child-she would insist on picking out clothes for me, etc and wanted me to go to Nursing school. I am not very social and was dismissed from the program. Disabilty does not pay very much and now every day she insists I move back to her house. I keep on telling her I could not not live on $600 a month but she has an idea that I live in her house which is very small and does not have a separate unit. I mentioned we could move into 55+ community but she flat out says she wants to stay in her own house. She has no hobbies/interests and maybe it’s selfish, but there is no privacy and if for some reason it didn’t work out I have no means to live somewhere if I sold my apartment(I live 900 miles away)

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anonymous July 11, 2016 at 11:54 am

Wow, it is like looking in the mirror. I have been wishing for my mother’s death since my children were born. Fortunately, my sister and I recognized her manipulations early on so we have not allowed her to “split” us. I was the “golden child” and she was the “scapegoat.” And, although we recognize her behaviours, we have been unable to extricate ourselves from them or her. I have often thought about therapy but what good would it do? I know what’s wrong and I know she won’t change. But with every passing year, I wonder if she won’t outlive me… 🙁

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Anonymous April 16, 2015 at 7:33 pm

When i was little she,remarried quite fast after the,divorce my steo father,would strip me naked and whip me from my bare back to below my knees. He would come into my an inch of my face,s creaming in the middle of the,nite because the,garbage can wasnt brought in or his favorite pen was missing. He use to take our,cat,and shoot it down the bannister of tthe stIrs he terrified me all my childhood! Later when i was 40 and had 4 kids of my,own i confronted her,about this and she,said oh that was the 70’s i just wLked away and a few yrs later i confronted her,again and she,threw out everything that was me and mine out of her house. She is a monster and my kids love her and i dont know how to get away.

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HeartPain April 23, 2015 at 10:30 am

I am so saddend deep in my heart to what I am hearing reading through these! I a only now in my 30’s finding out about this and wondering what the hell is wrong with me? As I have been feeling like a sicky feeling in my stomach all my life! This is me!!! This is it all the above I’m reading is just my life and I can not believe others have been going through the same thing. It’s terrible. I am so sorry for all of you and just want to say to remain strong and get on with your life’s ! Good advice and easier said than done I know! As I can’t seem to do it myself 100% there’s always that feeling right there of being scared like a little girl who will at some point get a slap (beating)! For something I never even new why half the time! I’m so sorry going on and on I’m still in shock that Iv come across this sight/chat/talk. Never dreamed there was such a thing. Just thought it was just me being crazy!!! As my parents always have said.

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jenna May 16, 2015 at 1:49 pm

You’re not crazy at all. Like the canary in the coal mine you exhibit a response to their sick environment. The sheer number of us who come out of the woodwork is a sad testament to how big the problem of narcissistic parenting is. And the inevitable pain it causes is tragic. Multiply this all out and it warrants attention. Like you mentioned about slapping, that was the main way my shaming and abuse was delivered so I have a real fear as I’m preparing for cutting off my mother altogether. Not so much about getting slapped per se but the fact that she has a known record of being violent toward men and women as well as her children, even in public. Still, getting a key to the eye is worth knowing I may have a shot at peace from feeling controlled and bullied, i.e. ignoring me and referring to me in the third person in my own home. This is what abusers eventually get as the backside of victimizing people. I am now highly sensitized to anyone’s subtle control tactics and don’t negotiate, I eliminate. Totally passive aggressive I admit but I’ll get it done. Remember justice will never be truly served these people but this is something for that little girl. By taking away access to me and my children I ply the ultimate might AND right. After 45 years of exposure, she is plain as day exposed to me and appears as the Homunculus, hideous and deformed. I’m going to get out of her way now with the hope she finally gets the help she needs.

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Anonymous May 25, 2015 at 8:21 am

While you are still in your thirties, do not waste another year self-coping as I have for forty-five. Reading these testaments has blown me away in the fact of how treacherous the abuse of narcissistic mother’s truly is. Confusion over WHY is probably the worst feeling I’ve had most of my life. The fact is though, they don’t care what they are doing to an entire family afflicted with all the ugly dynamics in which they are completely responsible for yet, own up to none. In my case, it’s come from both my mother AND step-mom. I feel so sorry for my father in the way that he was married to both of them and quite sure they put him to an early grave. It has also trickled down to my hateful sister-in-law and sisters, brothers, even nieces and nephews that these two monsters that were supposed to love and protect me have created. Yes, I have lost almost all of my family except for a few nieces that live far away from them. It is unclear that I ever really had them in the first place. They pitted all of my siblings against me and each other. The manipulative ways of both of these women caused so much damage on a weekly basis. Consequently, I have been bullied all of my life by them in one fashion or another. Nothing has ever been good enough for them that me and my husband have done for them. This includes a lot of parties, gifts, money, a place to live while down and out. All the things you do to show family that you love them. Even personal achievements educational wise are not acknowledged. It’s as if I don’t It is extremely painful to know that this was all done on purpose because they just had to flex their muscle of being in control of everything. The many years of silence and trying to keep the peace ( even though what had been done to me since an infant that are too horrible to go into ) caught up to me one day while going through a divorce no less, and forced me to stand up for myself. Well guess what? It got worse. The rejection has become official the last ten or so years. This site is helping me to understand that I am not alone. There is help. From this moment on, I will strive to heal. Hopefully your journey to wellness of this debilitating abuse will begin as well. Best wishes HeartPain and everyone else on this post.

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Cindy June 12, 2015 at 12:56 pm

I have to financially depend on a narcissistic mother, whose other & younger daughter is just like her. Her husband divorced her & I disowned her, but my mother still thinks or doesn’t understand why I won’t see her. Because I never was comfortable wearing bras, I use tape which is far more comfortable & wear shirts that you can’t really tell, but because of this she presses her finger nails into the sides of my breasts with a sadistic smile (I slouch at home but walk & stand tall when I’m at work or anywhere else, nor am I ashamed of myself). In fact, when I finally did get a job after looking for three years, my breasts were the first thing on her mind-telling me “you have to do something since you don’t wear bras”. I have had my 2nd round of depression because of her. I don’t want to use my real 1st name on this site-so please understand that I have to protect myself, as well as protect myself first & foremost while owning my body as belonging to me & not an extension to something she owns & controls?

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2468OCEM June 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

My mother had always picked out my clothes, even as a teenager, i wasn’t allowed to make decisions for myself, if she was buying the clothes, it had to be what she liked or i wasn’t allowed to get it. Even now as a midlife adult i have trouble making decisions about things afraid i’ll be wrong.
I decided to stop dying my hair years ago and my mom tells me how she hates my hair. My sister is the golden child and i’m the scapegoat/hero child. I have decided to NOT be the scapegoat or hero child anymore, keeping all conversations very general, as in lovely weather, did you go for a walk today? Anything of a serious nature i tell her to talk to my sister (she has POA) My mom took that away from me and gave it to my sister. My mom lies to me, keeps secrets from me, twists things, tells one of my children not nice things about me and then tells him not to tell me. Well he told me of course, i’m his mom, so i confronted her about it. Her comment was, i’m very disappointed in him for telling you!! Some days i never want to speak to her ever again. My mom has also played my sister and i against each other from a young age, so needless to say i have no relationship with her. When the three of us use to go out together when we were teenagers, my mom would walk with my sister who was tall and slim ( i was shorter and chubby) and would not talk nicely about me. After my father died my mom had my husband and i doing all kinds of errands for her, driving her places, cutting her grass etc.. while my sister and her husband did nothing, when i asked her to ask my sister to help out, her response was, it’s NOT her job, it’s yours. I ‘ve decided i’m not helping her with anymore jobs ever, she’s a liar,a sneak, two faced and shows me very little respect. So now that my sister is POA i’m making sure she does everything, it’s her job!! I hope the golden child like being the hero too,because that’s going to be her new role!! Thanks for letting me vent.

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mf July 3, 2015 at 10:40 am

oh girl – I pity you a lot! I wish I could tell you something what could make you heart goes higher!!! From what you describe you are dealing with pure psychopatic people!!!
Browse the internet, get some job somwhere far from those psychos! Change the phone number, grab your children, your only most important stuff, do not tell anyone and just get the hell out of there!!!!! Do not be pity, do not feel guilty. I know it is easy to write for me here… wish you luck above all!!!!!!!!!!!

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AD September 28, 2015 at 3:29 pm

I’ve never been married or had a real boyfriend, so I’m the last person to give a married woman sound advice. All I can do is make an observation and pray for your peace of mind and true happiness. I wish I had the option of distancing myself from my dysfunctional mother. Her verbal abuse, mental abuse, and social isolation has taken a significant toll on my well being. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, you don’t deserve to be mistreated by your relative, especially by a parent. Witnessing my grandmother’s abuse towards her children (her 3 daughters/ son – the golden child) and enduring her mistreat left a powerful impression on me. Because of her unjustified vindictive behavior, I avoid visiting her for days, weeks, even a month at a time. Sometimes I wish she was a better person, so we could have a healthy and genuine bond. Her natural desire for chaos makes it virtually impossible for us to have a meaningful grandmother and granddaughter relationship. Speaking as a grandchild and child of many forms of abuse, some not mentioned, please protect your children from your toxic parent. If you have to move 2 hours away from the drama, do so, you deserve to be happy. I wish my mother had the ability to be aware of the danger around her, unfortunately she embraced it and it destroyed her. On some level it has slowly destroyed me too. I’m almost 32, and I’m still stuck dealing with her selfish and crazy ways. I’ll be 32 in a few weeks, not looking forward to it. Recently I’ve come to understand why I dislike my birthday. My mother exploits it for attention, it’s never about me. I’ve never had a real birthday party, can’t remember the last time I blew out the candles and made a wish. You’re smart, I believe you should give into your hearts desire and create your own happiness. I wish you and your loved ones well. Please pray for me because I’m in a dark place, and there’s a lake behind my apartment building. Sometimes I think about walking into it and disappearing, due to my 300 lbs weight, I’ll sink like a cinder block into the abyss. God bless you 2468OCEM.

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Ariel June 24, 2015 at 2:12 am

My mother is I think a narcissist,she always knew how to turn everything about her and when we argued she would some times called me evil,I had a unstable childhood due to both my mum and my alcoholic father,she would also gamble all our money and we would get evicted from our homes due to the fact our rent wasn’t paid,I have moved away with my husband but tonight she try to move into our house Because she had a drunken argument with her boyfriend which happens all the time with them,she is has put me in such a emotional state that I don’t feel safe,I suffer from PTSD due to the instability I had while growing up and all I want is to be safe and secure and not have to worry about what turmoil she will bring into my life.

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Allie June 25, 2015 at 8:30 pm

OMG…..I am so glad I’m not alone. After reading this, it just all added up in my head and I struggle daily to survive the constant intrusion, bold-faced, selfish rants of the mother. I can now cut her off as best I can with no guilt and forgive and forget all the pain and setbacks I have had in my life and move on with a positive attitude. One day at a time.

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mf July 3, 2015 at 10:26 am

one more testimony:)

At 30, I got my dream job, but after some time it became not so nice anymore. I had nervous problems with my breathing, the money and tasks were nice, but the environment was awful, still – everyone around would be almost jealous, beacause the sister of my boss that time was a high government person, but my boss was a full power psycho. I just felt like s**t that time, working in mega stresfull job. I was still living with my parents, not being able to get my own place. One day before going to work, almost not breathing I was crying – I said – do not want to go there, my mother just shouted – GO TO WORK!!!!!!, not even caring for my health….

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Bonnie August 11, 2015 at 9:04 pm

I am shocked to actually finally pay attention and realizing I all the people in my whole life had a form of Narcissism, my Mom, ex-husband and a 5 year relationship with a boyfriend.. crumb I just say a pattern and the truth I am an only child and I never knew the difference.. wow time for me to heal.

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Sue September 12, 2015 at 9:22 am

My mother, everything is about her. All my life she told how mean my Dad was what an awful person he is. Now I realize as I have been at home 5 years living with her that none of that is true. I wasted a lifetime believing what she said and now he has Alzheimer’s and it breaks my heart.
My mother is constantly on the phone with my sister, their only real topic is me. Their whole conversation is what I did wrong, that I must be on drugs, that I have no friends, that everyone hates me, that I’m crazy (I know as I have listened). I am a well educated woman and have always worked and had my own home, I never did drugs etc. and moved home due to a work related injury and compensation caused me to lose almost everything.
I always bought into her pity, poor-me stories, illnesses, on and on. She is a mean ill spirited woman that is not happy unless everyone is as miserable as she is. I think she is even jealous, sick as that may sound. My decision is to get the heck out of here, her life will unfold as it should, alone and die a hateful person, unfortunately everything will be my fault. Sadly everyone believes her as she reveals every word said to make me look bad. Wish me luck, there must be a life out there somewhere.

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evelyn September 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm

I am almost thinking there should be a section here for people who are caring for narc elders. I walked out on my mother (I have a tendency to call her moo) in 1977 when I was 24 because her behaviour was becoming so erratic.
I almost literally at that point could feel my sanity slipping, I had to get out to preserve myself. What is amazing is how these narc moos ( I really hate bestowing a title of ‘mother’ when they the bloody h don’t deserve it) never suffer any consequence of their own actions. Of course, my moo screwed around with a guy who was a drunk, and not responsible (he already had a couple of failures). I have no clue as to whether or not I was a deliberate ‘oopsie’, planned, or whatnot. Either way, my grandmother (who I can trace much of this crap back to) should have been sterilized when she hit puberty. And since that wasn’t done, so should my own moo have been sterilized. Talk about ego, grandiose moo and they act horribly.
Of course, with some, there are interludes which are good, the nastiness is at a minimum, but then the periods start up again. How much is narcissism, how much is just psychopathic abuse?
I have spent my life trying to forget a lot of the sh** that went on. Some are seared into my memory that I cannot forget, up to and including being locked in a suitcase when I was about 2 1/2 or 3, I really do not know how old I was. I was just curious and wanted to know if I would fit. Asked mom to shut the lid and let me out again right away. Instead the f**** b*** locks it and walks away. I know, because I heard it. I have no clue how long I was there but my grandmother came and let me out. Wonder if my wh*** moo sent her or she heard me. For once, my grandmother (who was a piece of work herself, another long story) took me and confronted my cow mother. Mom was at the sink, very robotic-ally working on something, exaggerated movements, refusing to look at either of us. I later, much later, deduced this behaviour to indicate she was told she was wrong, knew she was wrong, but deflected it with some fardling crap of excuse. In this case she told ‘mama’ that ‘this will teach her not to let anyone get her into a similar situation.’ F’in b***. I am not a raging claustrophobic, but I have no clue how I would react if I got stuck in an enclosed area…
I could write a whole missive detailing other little things. I noticed some of the problems occurred as I grew older: the older and more independent I got, the more crazy her behaviour became. There were occasional total paranoid benders, controlling lies, etc.
Good Lord, what is normal and what isn’t? I never knew where lines were, nothing was the same from day to day. Something all right one day was punishable the next.
And here I am talking care of this same old cow. In many ways, she has mellowed, she does not pull the stunts she used to. I have set boundaries. And I will get in her face and tell her what I think.
When I returned in 1998 after my split with my ex, I demonstrated said independence by saying something I knew she wouldn’t like. The cow actually got out of her chair and leaned forward with her hand upraised. I looked her right in the eye and said plainly, ‘you hit me and I’ll hit you right back.’ Unbelievably, she sat down, continued doing something else and acted as if it had never happened. She never did try to hit me again.
I’ve won most battles, lost a couple, but in the end, I will end up ok.
two cents ¢¢

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evelyn September 25, 2015 at 3:03 pm

Oh, I think I should add, I never wanted children and never had any. There were many reasons, the first and foremost is that I have watched people and children, watched what was said and what actually was done. It has been a total turn off and I don’t entertain the delusion that ‘I will be different, I will do better than ….. so and so and so.’ It is hard and sometimes thankless work and, yes, I am somewhat selfish in that I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. For whatever reason, I do not have any biological urge either.
I also have never really been very well off financially and to drag a child into the uncertainty and ‘paycheck to paycheck’ reality of my world would have been an affliction on any child. Not fair to them. So, I have put much thought into this matter. I have said in a previous post, that most people do not care what they inflict on a child. I do not apologize if I step on toes: I have spent 62 years observation, both of my own childhood and others.
The most hypocritical statement? “It’s for the children.” I have seen and read more hell inflicted on children in this name than many others. Adults use this to hide behind. Blaming children again? The real underlying reason for it?
I will probably catch heck for this, but so be it. I refuse to pass on the freakin lineage of my mom. And please don’t say that I would be different. I’m not that confidant and I refuse to damage a child. two cents ¢¢

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Alicia October 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

Evelyn

I do not have kids either. It has taken 50 years to figure out that my mother is a Narc. I did want kids, but now that I understand that my mother is a Narc I’m not so sure that I would not have abused my own kids. Because like it or not we have all have Narc tendencies, even though we are not Narcs. It is the behavior that we know and the examples that we copy from our mothers.

I watch my Sister and Brother raise their kids. They struggle and perform some of the awful things that my NM did to us. I think the behavior just comes out, especially when having a NM is your own normal.

I’m glad to break the cycle, because I would hate to inflict any of the things my NM did to me on an innocent child. I know 1st hand what it does to a child.

My 2 cents

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CA November 12, 2015 at 6:11 pm

Im 25 and I live with my mom and brother. My mum kicked my dad out when I was 3 and ever since I remember, it has been a nightmare. Not 100% of the time (sometime we get along), but I have been through long years of emotional and physical violence. She can be loving at times (what kind of makes it worse) but I think its for her sake most of the times. She uses everything she knows that afect me to lower myself esteem for no reason.. or if I looked at her in the wrong way. Now she uses her control to put my brother against me. She likes him better for many reasons but also and mainly because he is the boy. He was always the special one, but now he is trapped in a psychologicali na “couple” relationship ( as she didnt have anyone else since we were children). She treats me like crap but because she gives me food shelter and money – I have to pay the price. It really sad to see my brother take part on the injustice, but I kind of understand, he has everything to gain. They portray me as crazy and too sensitive. Its like they feel closer if they bully me. Sometimes I wonder if its worth living.

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CA November 12, 2015 at 6:16 pm

Im 25 and I live with my mom and brother. My mum kicked my dad out when I was 3 and ever since, it has been a nightmare. Not 100% of the time (sometime we get along), but I have been through long years of emotional and physical violence. She can be loving at times (what kind of makes it worse) but I think its for her sake most of the times. She uses everything she knows about me to lower my self-esteem for something like looking at her in the wrong way. Now she uses her control to put my brother against me. She likes him better for many reasons but also and mainly because he is the boy. He was always the special one, but now he is trapped in a psychological “couple” relationship (as she didnt have anyone else since we were children). She treats me like crap but because she gives me food shelter and money – I have to pay the price. It really makes me sad to see my brother take part on the injustice, but I kind of understand, he has everything to gain. They portray me as crazy and too sensitive. Its like they feel closer if they bully me. Sometimes I wonder if its worth living.

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Lucy November 28, 2015 at 5:36 am

I’m sorry you had to struggle with a narcissistic mother. I, too, have had a lifetime of sadness because of my abusive upbringing. My mother just recently told me she was “done with me.” I haven’t heard from her since. In a way it’s good–she does all of the things you say. I’ve been unemployed/underemployed for 2 years, and although she supported me for part of it, my entanglement with her actually made things worse. I feel very much alone, and feel sad for my son who is 10. On both sides his family is crazy, and in sheltering him from most of it (and my abusive ex husband) I’ve felt very sad about everything. I am also afraid about who I am as a mother because of my upbringing. I know this break is good, but it’s really new and after a lifetime of co-dependency it is definitely difficult. I’m glad this blog is here, and I look forward to reading more posts.

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LE December 6, 2015 at 1:10 am

I am slowly – over the course of a few years understanding why I have never had a great relationship with my mother. She is a narcissist. I am angry and sad, and often times confused – as I don’t understand. It became much worse after I became a mom. I guess I am looking to write out this list of things that I carry with me everyday – examples of how my mother has hurt me.
1. A week or so after I gave birth to my second daughter, my mother called me to tell me I was saying my daughter’s name incorrectly. We argued on the phone for several minutes and I felt confused – why would my mom be so hurtful? She still refuses to call my daughter by her correct name. She insists on saying it a certain way, even after we have requested that she say it the correct way several times.
2. My mother refused to take pictures at my wedding. She wore all black to my wedding and carried a briefcase of her “Daddy’s” ashes to attend. When I mentioned it hurt my feelings that she didn’t want to take a picture with me at my wedding, she said I had a “vivid imagination” and that she was only making it fair – her mother didn’t take any pictures at her wedding, and she didn’t take any pictures at my sister’s wedding – so she was being “fair”
3. When my first daughter was born, she insisted in being in the recovery room. When we told her our daughter’s name, she mocked it.
4. She lived 10 minutes away after I became a mom, and basically made everything more difficult. Would not help me – unless I brought the baby to her – after I just had a c-section – would not come to my house. Didn’t buy anything for the baby. Didn’t help with the baby. Seemed uninterested. When I asked why she didn’t hold the baby, she said that she gets too attached, and we will just move away.
5. When she met my husband for the first time, she called him his name with the word “two” after it – because I had dated another man with the same name before dating him – said it right to his face and giggled.
6. When she met a boyfriend when I was in school, she didn’t acknowledge him and then later at dinner, asked him about all of the other beautiful women he had seen overseas when he lived there
7. When I had my second baby, she called to ask when I was having the c section. Again, she lived 10 minutes away. Told me that she would have to look at her calendar and it might be to difficult to figure out the “logistics” of coming and that traffic might be difficult. She is retired.

Every celebration has been ruined by a fight she has started. She wants all of the attention on herself. These are just a few recent examples of her behavior – there are many many more. Reading this list – I am sad. I am angry, but more sad. I guess I just can’t understand why a mom would want to hurt her child like that – I can’t imagine treating my kids like that.

Thank-you for letting my vent

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Mel December 21, 2015 at 10:11 pm

Le, I feel so bad for you and everyone here. I’m 58 and just realized my mom has this today at 58. My wedding, many moons ago, she told me she wasn’t even going, but showed up and told people she wouldn’t miss it for the world. I was an only child for ten years, then she adopted my brother. He has been the scapegoat, me the golden child, but no love, identity of my own. My list is crazy long too. Does anyone else’s parent take down all the photos in the house of whomever she is mad at. How crazy is that. I am married with a wonderful husband and grown children. Currently I am on the outs, mostly for not calling every week however reading this…jealous of having a decent life, etc. I feel like I have been given a gift, and need to restart my life and not return to the abuse cycle. Sadly she cares for my pretty sick father, which puts a wrench in situation. I plan to read as much as I can find. Such a relief to see her as a 100% textbook case and I’m not alone and a bad child.

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PQ December 17, 2015 at 11:29 pm

My heart goes out to all the folks that have posted on this thread. I am 50 and like many others here, it’s taken me a long time to realize my mother is not just an alcoholic, she is really a narc.

LE – your story touched me the most, as becoming a parent yourself you learn that it’s difficult and rewarding all at the same time to raise your kids. But as your children grow up it’s disheartening to see your parent acting as if they are still emotionally a teenager, it makes you wonder what is emotionally healthy? How is it that you are capable of being an adult and they are not just stuck in an emotional time warp, they are cruel, selfish and cold?

My mother, like most here beat me when I was younger, then controlled me through bullying. I was responsible for my younger siblings while she partied. She took my teenage years away from me. I had school, chores, babysitting and a part time job as she refused to buy me clothes or tampons after the age of 14. When I begged her to let me not work for six months while I was in grade 12. So proud of myself in the first term I made the honor role. She then said; “It’s time to get a job your grades are high enough, you can let them slide.” But that’s nothing compared to the abuse and drunken drama she caused me in my life. I have a list that’s a mile long like most people here.

But the one thing I have problems forgiving her for is this: 19 years ago this month, two weeks before Christmas, my son was 16 weeks old. He cried all the time and we lived on very little sleep. Turns out my son had stage three cancer of the right kidney. I lived 2000 miles away and needed to ask for medical history for the cancer doctors. I begged my son’s father to please call my mom and ask for the information. He left a message, but she responded the next day. Because I had my other child at home, we took turns staying nights at the hospital, so had no choice but to take the call. Immediately she told me “I don’t have time for this sh*t” (meaning my son’s cancer – a baby she never met) and proceeded to tell me how her current roommate was ripping her off. I explained that I was asking for only medical information and nothing more. From that point forward I cut her off.

Fast forward 19 years, my son is grown up and is also Autistic, with a heart defect.(trust me, people, his Cancer was the easy part) So, you can imagine that because of my son’s conditions, I have had my share of life challenges.

Today, I am 15 years sober, 20 years cigarette free and I work two jobs (one is at a church). I live on my own and now I travel the world and love my life. Through years of councilling and therapy, I have learned that my mother is jealous of me. My looks, my artistic talent, and the ability to take care of myself without needing her. My success in life is not dependent on her love or approval.

But even though I don’t have real life contact with my mother, I made the mistake of letting her “friend me” on Facebook. Just today she put a comment on one of my art posts; “Glad you are happy, I once was your mother” I think to myself WTF? That’s how I found myself here, reading posts on this website, trying to heal, come up with a strategy to move forward.

I should know better because, in the last year, she has sent me other FB messages saying;
“You have forgotten about me. You missed out on my life. I asked God to forgive me. I grew up with you kids”. These are her excuses that I am to interpret into apologies.

Everything she writes about is all about her. She has zero interest in her grandchildren. My brother and sister who live near her have had enough of her drama, lying and BS.

In another message, she states; “My kids have abandoned me because I’m poor”. This is a woman who has owned 4 homes, over 10 vehicles, smoked, drank and gambled all of her life. I have never owned my own home or vehicle. Growing up, she’s allowed all of us to be beaten by her alcoholic boyfriend, who also beat her. Just this month, my sister told me that she still hangs out with this jerk/monster and can’t figure out why no one seems to care.

So here she is wanting a relationship with me and can’t figure out why I don’t want her in my life. Especially when drunk, she has a tendency to whip out her breasts to prove a point. And really who wants to see an enraged seniors’ saggy set of tits?

I don’t think things in life get easier, but knowledge about how to take care of myself does ease the pangs of this broken relationship. Again, I want to thank you all again for posting here as it has given me the confidence to share. Thanks for letting me vent. Peace be with you all.

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lyn January 11, 2016 at 11:06 am

my mom recently passed away while helping me recover from a foot operation. I am a single mom, and was on crutches, did not stop me from going up to hospital beside her bed from nov. 23 – dec. 6.
I am her only living child. The will was read and she left me nothing.
I don’t think I am surprised, hurt yes, but I kinda expected a letter, maybe wanted reaffirmation that she DID love me.
however it only affirmed the inevitable, she only used me to get what she wanted, and was jealous, and really never wanted me to succeed. I got out of a terrible abusive marriage of 20 years, yet she choose him over me, because he was $$$ she would have me stay almost to the point of death to get a spa treatment, or a trip, new clothes, washer and dryer. When I read the part about, “from the grave, they will even make the will a place of discontent to forever haunt you” it was very clear.
As I struggle with years wasted of trying to please her, my x husband, kids, etc. I almost feel, relieved she is gone, now maybe, maybe I can find a place of peace, and I wish that for all who have suffered as I have. God Bless.

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j lamb January 16, 2016 at 4:17 am

I am the mother in question, 86, and my daughter has just married after being widowed for 4 years. The marriage is good and sound, and I guess that I am narcissistic (like my mother and sister). She had spent a lot of time doing things with me, and is now in a good marriage and spends most of her time with him and her stepson.

This is as it should be, I know. I am having a difficult time starting my new life in a new location far from where I had lived for 35 years. I am shy and fearful, and do not make friends easily if at all. I want her to concentrate on her new marriage, but I keep feeling sorry for myself. I have been in therapy for most of my life, but understanding all of this and actually acting on it, are different tasks.

I feel lonely (divorced), confused, hopeless, directionless, depressed, out of the main stream (I had a professional career), useless, and guilty for being so needy of her attention. Any ideas? I really want to change and grow, but that hard wiring is hard to break.

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Anonymous January 23, 2016 at 7:23 pm

This article has really helped me. Growing up my mom and I were like best friends. We were so close it wasn’t even funny. Everybody who meet us saw how weirdly similar we always were. Even at a young age. The first time we really started having issues was when I moved out. That was a really rough few years of my life. That’s when our relationship went downhill. Now that I’m engaged it’s all happening again. I am 23 years old and I am finally learning so much about what type of relationship we have. I feel like this article was written about her and I. It fits us to the “T”. But it’s really really hard because we were so incredibly close. Apart of me is her. I was the “golden child” in this case. When she had me all she ever wanted was a baby given her extremely messed up childhood. When she gets like this I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. And now that I’m learning more I feel like we have a really long path to recovery. Especially since she told me to “give her up” because I told her that she couldn’t control my entire life anymore. It really helps knowing that I’m not alone in this.

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sophie January 31, 2016 at 12:53 pm

I have at 31 broken away from my NPD mum.and dad. As a child my mum forced me to drink my urine. I had terrible exma and astmah and couldn’t even bend my limbs to walk it was such pain. I wasn’t allowed out in the sun. I was an only child. We lived a rough part of town. In a three story high flat. No pets. Mum and dad on drugs. Always arguing loudly at night. Weird people in and out all the time. They used to have sex on the sette where I could see it if I did I was accused if being discusting. She played me in toys to leave me at home on my own if I didn’t tell the teachers. She gave me cocaine she gave me cannabis. She liked to and still to this day likes to watch when I’m on the toilet. She has tactics to do this. Every time I see her I just feel like going to sleep. Shes so draining. She calls twelve times a day ,demands all sorts of things. She tells me what to do what to think and I have to give her loads of sympathy and tell her I love her constantly. My father is a enabler. They are sick. He walked off when I was seven. But they still meet for secretive reasons. Drugs sex or to plot against me. He is with another woman he’s had several but it doesn’t stop him going to her. I can’t fit a life time of events on here. She is not a mother. He is not a father. I’m changing my surname by deed poll I’m moving to Dubai.and they will never ever see me again. I always always always thought I had the problems. Wrong! And no one has a clue what she does. She works pays her bills and looks pretty normal to the outside world. But that doesn’t stop her being a child abuser. She has no friends and none of my family like her. She’s a lonley discustung bitch. My dad had hepatitis c. And still takes drugs and he never gives me lifts. However on the times he’s taken me somewhere in the car where I’ve had little choice because he had taken me with him for the day,always to a drug dealers house, he has made sure he has injested some drug or booze before driving. Then he intimidatates me all the journey. And mum says that’s fine. GET AWAY FROM THE NARC OR YOU COULD DIE AND YOUR KIDS ARE AT RISK…LEAVE

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KSA February 23, 2016 at 12:40 pm

I discovered this website today and feel so blessed to discover what I instinctively knew all along! My mother and grandmother are narcissistic, but I didn’t want to accept it. I read about narcissism while taking a psychology class in college many years ago. They’d brainwashed me so well that I dismissed it as just a coincidence. I want to say to all of you who have commented that we are valuable, lovable and powerful women. We have to be strong to deal with this foolishness in our lives! My daughter recently told me that she thought that I was mentally and physically abused by my mother. It really caught me off guard at first, until I realized that she’s right! I refuse to be a “victim” though! I’m learning to take the energy that I’ve given them and give it to the myself now. I’ve began meditating to find peace in my life and am also learning to love myself. My best friend/husband of 20+ years is a God send and he told me about my mom the first day that he met her. I’m extremely grateful that he loved and supported me through this foolishness. Our 4 children and granddaughter have been the epitome of love for me, along with my wonderful husband. I want to say to each of you that we are special people, who just ended up with people who chose to love themselves rather than us. We deserve better! Best wishes to all of you and thanks for sharing your stories!!!

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Isabelle March 3, 2016 at 7:09 am

Hi…I believe my mom is a narcissist, but sometimes I get caught up in her seemingly loving and caring ways only to be completely blind sided by something cruel she does…its such a tricky mental illness because there is no awareness and the perception of my mother is so far from reality. The other day my mom just randomely stopped by while I was busy caring for my two young kids and says I have a gift for Holden, my son and she gets this old antique desk out of her car hat was totally inappropriate for his age and I’m a bit taken back because I had already told her the other day I don’t want anything for my kids rooms, but because she knows best and my thoughts and mothering mean nothing, she just bought it anyways expecting me to jump for joy and when I didn’t even though I tried to be as nice as possible…she completely shunned me and wrote me a horrible mean text about how I should be ashamed of myself and that she didn’t raise me to behave like that (like what?!) and that she never wants to see me again! Of course this is what she does when she doesn’t get her way…its such a horrible abusive pattern that I wish I could escape but she just manipulates me left and right and uses her charm to hook me in when I know its always got strings attached. Anyways thanks for listening and my heart goes out to all of you who have mothers like I do.

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Tracy March 3, 2016 at 12:42 pm

I want to thank all of you for posting your experiences. It’s so hard for me to get people to understand that I’m telling the truth. I’m after all this menta ill drug addict who is delusional and my mother is the great woman who was able to raise such an abonishment and keeping me out of prison. She is credited to having to be burdened with raising my children. It’s simply not true. I never believed her lies as she told me that what I knew wasn’t true. I was never put under the control she had tried to force upon me even though I did suffer badly. I forgot things and would cry and be confused to why I forgot how awful my family was. My heart was broken over abd over. I didn’t understand until after I was 42 that so much of the terrible things people did to me was because of her lies. It has been so painful to have people be cruel to me that had never met in my life. My husband doesn’t defend me because anyone that attacks me is right as I’m such a bad person. She couldn’t stand to ever see me have anything good. My character has been murdered. I had only become aware as when my grandson died I was unable to get anyone to listen to me to save his life. It was so devastating I didn’t understand, but I do now. I truly hate this woman. She has left me with no hope of ever surviving. I have nothing. She also turned some if my kids against me. The ones that still are little have to suffer being shunned because I’m so awful. I feel that my life is over that suicide would be how to spare my children the embarrassment of me. They say they will live the terrible life and that they love me and choose me. It hurts so much. She’s victimized my husband and I have to talk to him all the time about her lies she has brainwashed him with. She was so mad I married him as I didn’t deserve a man like him. I’m frozen a lot of days. I am so lonely. I have never been able to keep a friend as someone would come to rescue them from me. I wish that I was friends with one of you. This world is so desolate. I want my father she had taken me from him because he had protected me brought to this miserable place so that she would have her entire clan destroy me. My dad has been dead for many many years. My heart breaks for him and the horrific lies she told about him. He was wonderful. I want to say to him it’s ok. You were the best dad that I have ever known. I’m proud to be a daughter of a great Airman like you. Thank you so much for doing what was right. I know the truth. He was special operations. She lied said he was never in combat. She is so evil. She left him during war time. I have his papers. He was great. I wish she would cease to exist.

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Anna March 6, 2016 at 1:04 am

Hey Tracy, I’m so sorry that you’re having an awful time. I just wanted to say that. I have been in a position of loneliness much of my life, all of my extended family thought I was a terrible person, they still do I suppose, I wouldn’t know because I binned the lot of them 16 months ago. Anybody stupid enough to believe the hurtful crap a grown woman said about a child does not deserve a place in my life. It is an awful position to be in, where you are alone because your family has been pitted against you, and a horrible place you have to crawl out of, on your own. The thought is daunting, changing something when you have no juice left to change and just want to die. But you can do it, you are doing it, you are writing about it, acknowledging it. If you would like support check out the forum at the top of the page, if you are feeling friendless there are friends there, though you will never meet them they will help you. Thank goodness for the Internet. I am sending you loving thoughts and positive wishes.

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jan March 9, 2016 at 5:48 pm

After reading these posts I thought I was reading my life! I feel so much better knowing there are other women dealing with a NM. Thanks everyone for the support system on here, it has helped. There is too much my mother has done and said to me to put on here but I will give one example. I was homeless a couple of years ago and my mother actually said I could stay with her until I get back on my feet. After moving some things in her house and even giving her $40 dollars for a cable deposit, she flipped out when I told her I didn’t have any more money nor a job. She then made my 1 day there a living hell by asking how “she was going to make it”! She called her ex-husband and went to neighbors to bad mouth me and tell them I had nothing. She started her drinking, we got into an argument. I left the next day after she told me I made her sick. Friends told me it wouldn’t work. She is evil. I was living in my car for about a year and she knew it and didn’t care but wanted to continue speaking. She has hurt me so much through my life andbi don’t even know what family even means. Thank God for my grandparents that showed me love growing up and for the love of God. Thanks for listening guys, we will make it!!

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Sally March 24, 2016 at 9:17 am

Our mothers can hurt us when we are young and rely on them for shelter and food etc but once we are grown up we should stand on our own two feet. Our mothers cannot hurt us with blackmail or demands if we are making our own way in life. Have our own home, earn our own money,pay the bills. In a way it is two faced to get shelter or money from a mother and rely on them for practical things and then bad mouth them. Mothers will tend to see us as children if we are dependant on them, and as grown adults if we behave as them.

My mother is a narcistic. She was a bully, cruel, demanding, selfish, critical, and jealous.
But it was up to me not to let her get away with it. Now I am still in contact with her
but if she pushes her luck and asks for too much or expects things I say a firm loud no.
I do care about her but if she had her way I would give her lots of money, become her unpaid carer and cleaner, and constant companion, yet if she was healthy and younger she would be too busy racing around doing other things to bother to phone me. My mother thinks that children should always visit the parents and take care of the parents and the parents do not need to do a thing for their off spring, yet with her own mother she did nothing much for her. Her rules are always flexible. When it is her daughter the daughter should do everything, when she is the daughter it is fine to do very little.

I became a successful businesswoman and professional and made a lot of money, I now own a lot of property. I appeared regularly on television and radio and had books published. Yet according to my mum this must all be some sort of lie or dream because I must have got the money I have from a man. Even though no man I have ever known had much money.

I now deliberately live a long way away from her and see her just now and then. Finding it better to phone. If I phone her we can chat and I end the call if she gets out of line – I put her on the naughty step for a while. If I travel the 3 hours it takes to go and see her
she expects me to do her chores – because it saves her money on paying her home help – and then falls asleep or watches tv as if nobody else is there.

Last year I invited her to come and stay with me. My husband went to collect her and bring her here and offered to take her back a week later. When he went to collect her she begrudged giving him a sandwich – even though he had got up early and had no breakfast and was thirsty and hungry. She thought he should go without or go somewhere on the way there so she didnt have to spend money on food or time on making it ready. Yet he had worked hard to earn the money to spend on the petrol to go up there. When he took her back a week later she nagged him to go in with her and have a cup of coffee with her, he politely declined as he had just driven for three hours and had a three hour journey back. She rang me to complain and moan about it.

When I was a teenager she expected me to give her all of my money. Even when I left home she kept coming to me asking for huge sums of money, money that in those days i did not have. And if I had had it I would have spent it on my mortgage and bills and having the house I was buying made nicer and more pleasant. It badly needed new carpets. She told me she expected me to buy her a second home she could gdo to weekends. And if I gave her the money for it she would allow me to use it sometimes on the weekends she didnt! Why would I need her permission if its my money that buys it?
She knew I then had to work seven days a week and couldnt afford a car so that was rubbish anyway.

When my sister got married and bought a big expensive house with her new husband.
My sister became a lady of leisure. She could sit around doing nothing, she was rich, her husband earnt a fortune. Yet my mother rang me and demanded I go to my sister;’s house and clean it for her once a week. So that my sister didnt have to do it herself or pay a cleaner. She knew that I had to work seven days a week to keep my head above water and couldnt afford a day off. And my sister’s place was ten miles away. If I had been able to take a day off of work it would have made a lot more sense to either relax for a change or do some other work that paid nearer to me to help pay the bills. I had studied and trained to be a professional person and got quaifications, I wasnt interested in working as a cleaner anyway. Let alone when it was a long way away and unpaid.

When my mohter went into hospital for a week she expected me to close down my business for aweek and go to her house a few miles away to cook her husband’s evening meal. She believed he should not hve to do it himself. I pointed out he could make himself a sandwich, or get a takeaway supper or put a meal in the oven from the supermarket, but this wasnt good enough for him. She expected me to get buses to her place, cook for him, and then get buses back. Even though he had a car. He would hve been sitting there watching tv while I was travelling there and back and cooking. When I pointed out that I couldnt afford to lose a week at work for this she laughed and jeered at me about how selfish I was. I said that if he wanted me to cook for him he should drive to my place to get his meal. He didnt want to bother. Fine.

When my mother found out that this man was trying to persuade me and other women in the area to have sex with him instead of having a go at home or ending their relationship
she turned on me, and blamed me. It was as if I had somehow seduced him and put a spell on him. I was then 16 and this man was 48. Yet a few years ago he had been convicted in court of molesting children.
That time she blamed the children and had no empathy for them. She didnt love this man, she just did not want to be alone. She would rather be with a dishonest selfish weird pervert than a single woman.

Naive people have told me that I should confront my mohter about the things she did and explain how selfish and hurtful they are. They donot get it. She knows its selfish, she doesnt care. She only wants to do what suits her. She knows when she hurts me and does it on purpose. Not by accident where it has to be explained to her.

My mother never ever came to visit me – yet she had a car and lots of time and money.
Then when her second husband died and she was lonely she nagged me to go and see her. I didnt have a car and I had no money. But she went on about it being my duty to go to her. She then started to travel and went all over the country visiting people, usually penfriends she hardy knew. But she refused to come to see me. In her eyes mothers should not have to go to their offspring. Even if the mother has a car and a lot more time etc.

For about 20 years we did not speak or see each other because she blamed me for her husband fancying me and all the other women. We did our own thing from a long distanced apart. Then when he died she rang me and demanded I go to his funeral.
No thought to how I could not travel so far without a car and with a business to run and pets to take care of. Nor of how I would feel going to the funeral of a man who okept trying to molest me.

We then started to speak to each other on the phone. She askedme to promise her that when she gets older she could come and live with me. I now have a big very nice house, all bought and paid for, due to my very hard work. I said no mum you cannot.
She went on and on about how this is mean of me. I said well thats how it is.
Anyway she was not asking me if she could LIVE here, she meant to promise her that I would be her carer and pay for her. And she had no intention of seeing me until she was old and frail and needed looking after.

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S-J March 24, 2016 at 5:41 pm

I have never known this my mother has controlled me all her life now I have a son she hates him and says terrible things I find it hard to love her

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Fiona March 25, 2016 at 6:17 pm

I don’t think I’ll be able to get peace of mind for as long as my mother lives. When I was young, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive. She blamed me for everything, her divorce, her money issues, her depression, for her suicidal thoughts. She told me I was pathetic when I cried, that I was “just like my dad” (who was a violent alcoholic), she slammed doors as hard as she could when she was angry (if I did so, she would be physically violent towards me, like chocking me with a pillow), she was extremely unreasonable, made fun of my stupidity and the list goes on and on… She still tries to control my life. She occupies my mind everyday, I still have to be so careful when I visit her so that I don’t upset her because I’m afraid she’ll blame me for making her suicidal. I once didn’t answer her calls for two weeks and she texted me threatening to call the police on me. She recently decided without consulting me that I’m going to spend my summer helping her. I want this woman out of my life but I’m too afraid of upsetting her. She also refuses to take any kind of responsibility for her actions, I have tired asking her why she treated me the way she did and she just says she will not discuss any negative things about the past, only positive memories. Well for me there aren’t too many of those…
I can read tips and tricks all day long about how to deal with her but can’t seem to be able to take action. I’m so stressed out.
And sorry for my English.

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Tres March 27, 2016 at 6:55 am

NM are slowly but surely destroying their children. For a long time I thought it was insane. Now I know we are many, it has no race, tribe or colour. My mother is worst than those I have read here. As a child I was her favorite, she hated and mistreated my sister, my immediate follower.

She once said to her, that she wished she had aborted the pregnancy- of course regrets to have given birth to her. Mum made my sister hate me so much that we still do not have cordial relationship now despite being 40+ adults. She got married, but mum told her mother in-law that ‘she is my daughter yes, but I don’t like her coz of her behaviours’ this resulted to the in-laws mistreating my sis to the point that she gave up. Called me for help, left and has never looked back.

My mum manipulated my sis and made sure she ruined our relationship again. She has also turned my sis children against her. Unfortunately, my sis never learns and is too scared of our NM.

The father of my children betrayed me over a decade ago, I left him immediately. The first person to learn of the betrayal was mum, and on informing me I called it quits. As I write this, she and the are great friends, she informs him of anything I do, receives money from him, in other words they are confidant! I have complained over years but nothing has changed, despite the fact that I have nothing to do with him. Then sadly, my other kid sister is a copy of our NM. Recently, while in a confrontation about her behaviour with the man she told me off that I was jealousy of her! When I retorted that no one should ever hear of that, she changed and said, ‘you are jealousy of your sister’. I told her it is a shame that a mother would utter such words to her daughter. I let that man and expected my family to stay away too, but, no…my own mother has betrayed me.

Our home or her home is a fighting ground. He has turned a younger brother against the eldest. They used to fight alot until I asked the older one to move out so he can have peace of mind. After all they are all grownups and none ought to be there. He eventually moved out but when at the market which is near home, the favorite son would hit the elder one, give kicks and blows and mum would say nothing. One time, mum tricked the older one home for a discussion over something, only to be beaten by his favorite without any provocation.

The same favorite son has turned against NM. Beats her, but when neighbours intervene she denies it. One time cops were called in when he beat him and lit the house on fire. She insulted the cops. Denied ever being beaten despite the obvious marks and witnesses. I tried to intervene but she defends him, we said the boy should move out, but she protested. Yet a 33 yr old and he demands for food and money for alcohol and she must provide.

She blames me for her children’s bad behaviour saying I helped her raise them. She doesn’t accept her failures. We live in different cities about 400miles apart.

One day we travelled to see her as was the norm, my children filled the baskets with their choice of shopping, the car was full with too much because it was almost a year since we last visited, longer than ever before. On arrival after a long journey, we went in but she decided to hide. We called out but no one was on site. I thought it was strange but decided to leave. That is when my children said said they saw her when we drove in. My fears were confirmed when an hour later I received a text message from her asking us to return. Pretended she didn’t know it was my car blah blah… Ofcourse we never returned. Ever since I stopped my children from going to see her. I wished she didn’t do that to my them. I remembered how happy they were picking groceries etc.

She started telling people that I haven’t raised my children well. Now she complains that I have locked up my children, why? I don’t know. I think she would have wished to have access to them, manipulate and turn them against me. But thank God, I was wise, I try not to be anything like her. My children are good, respectful, doing well in school and love each other very much. I have taught them the importance of being a brothers keeper. Lots of love amongst us. When away in school we miss each other alot and cherish the time we spend together.

I don’t want my children to pick the negativity, greed, backstabbing and evil being that she is. All those bad traits. Dad left her when we were young, we thought w
he was bad. But we know better now.

In our last encounter she tried her tricks on me. Crying and threatened to kill herself. I offered her tissue paper so she could cry more and told her, ‘if you die, you will have done some of us a favor, good riddance!’ she stopped crying. I have waited for news of her death in vain…..

I surely can write a book. She once broke into my elder Bros house with the help of her favorite son. Sold all his household goods and asked the later to move in. My big bro later married, she hates the poor girl for nothing. I have confronted her on this, told her ‘we can’t get married to our bro’ and if some of us detest her what about anyone else? she would take a diamond medal in worst mother ever championship.

Unfortunately, God never takes such tormentors neither does Satan receive them quickly. The later uses them to destroy as much as possible. She one hell of a bit&h that if one would be made to chose a mother, she has no chance. I envy those whose mothers are dead.

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Emily May 4, 2016 at 6:46 pm

I am still trying to heal from a 13 year relationship eventually destroyed by my partner’s narcissistic mother. My partner left without any kind of warning. Just said one day, she wasn’t happy . She took her stuff and left. Have not heard from her in 2 years. Do you think I will ever hear from her? No exit interview or closure. Do you think I will ever hear from her?

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Suzanna May 6, 2016 at 5:12 pm

My narcissistic mother has always been cruel. but it was a way of life i got used to i knew how much she has resented me since the day i was born. the older i got the more jealous she got i could actually see it in her face. i got married and had 4 children i moved away from her, she gave hiom the rights and permission to abuse me, he became very abusive. he was in the navy. i left him and went back to live near my nm i had no idea as to how callous anbd cruel she really is. she murdered her own mother, my grandmother, who was a lovely lady. narcissiustic mothers are also narcissistic daughters, their born that way, they have no conscience. i know my nm murdered my grandmother, i just have to proove it. she is a liar but is saying i’m this crazy liar. my son was mysteriously found dead 4 years ago at 26 years of age. she is a suspect. This is all going to come out. My nm even followed my ex husband to the pub while we were going through a divorce then sexually manipulated him, he’s just as bad as her for going along with it. she was always in competition with me. I put up with her abusive behaviour for 44 years untill enough was enough. i haven’t had any contact with her for the past 12 years, iv’e spoken to the police in various towns and cities. if i was telling any sort of lies surely my story would have changed over 12 years but it hasn’t, because i’m telling the truth. my nm has told one lie after another. Now the authorities know i’m saying the truth. but now what.. i’m concerned about my daughters who are now in their 30s. They all have taken her side. they are now in the situation i was in while i was bringing them up, now their bringing their children up. my nm is dangerous she is a psycopath. i have concerns about my grandchildren, I know my nm bullies them but there’s nothing i can do. she plays her games with them all, not just with my children and grandchildren but with everyone else as well. this is a woman who has committed MURDER!!!!!!

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sheri May 8, 2016 at 12:11 am

I’m so sorry suzanna

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sheri May 8, 2016 at 12:01 am

I’m 50 years old and had no idea who my mother was until 8 months ago when she rushed a medical decision concerning my dads life. My mom ok’d a morphine drip without telling my sister and I – and we both spoke with our dad the night before. This was my mom’s way of “fixing us” or showing who was in control.
Since then … she has called my work drunk and told them what an awful person I am. The company I work for strongly suggested a restraining order.
My mother does not like me calling her mom or saying “I love you.”
Tonight she called and left mean and threatening messages.
This is the first mothers day alone and it breaks my heart.

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Karen May 25, 2016 at 5:42 pm

I am 57 years old and I grew up with a mother who has severe NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I am the scapegoat with two younger brothers, the older of which is the golden child. As with so many writing here, I was never good enough, constantly criticized and made to feel bad about myself. I was the “good girl”, never drank or did drugs, good grades etc.. yet my mother blamed me for her “nervous breakdown” when I started high school. I grew up insecure, no self-esteem and feeling I was unattractive.. when boys started giving me attention, I was completely unprepared; why in the world would they like me? I married twice to narcissistic men, both marriages ending in divorce. I am a well-trained caregiver, living for the needs of others and neglecting mine.. thank you mother. I have found knowledge is power, first reading an online article I would recommend to everyone by Parrish-Miller. It is the most definitive overview of a Narcissistic Mother…
a bit shocking it is so accurate. I know now defining the problem is the first step to recovery. I find peace in knowing I raised my 4 children with the intention of breaking this pattern. I made sure to hug and kiss my children at every opportunity. I taught them to love themselves and encouraged them in every way possible. They are all educated, productive, good human beings. My mother is almost 80 yrs. old and her mental illness (NPD is a mental illness) seems to intensify with age. I find limited contact in my best interest and everyone in my family feels the same way. May God bless all of us who have been raised by a mentally ill mother and may we find forgiveness as we protect ourselves and those we love.

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Kristina June 17, 2016 at 2:38 am

Very helpful articles, thank you a lot, Michelle.
Also I don´t feel alone, reading the comments…I am not a weirdo, it is my mother.
I relate to everything in the article.
Right now, I have an engulfing mother (she has reasons for it why to manipulate me this way). It has been several month ago only when I realised that her “love” is not love. ( I am 35 already).
In my entire childhood, teenage, adulthood, she was abusive, abondonning. I lived in fear of her as a child, in the teenage years I lived in (hidden) anger, I pushed her away, run from her (I tried to study far away, get scholarpships, arranged all to fight from her). But, I never understood what it is really going on.
I guess that the enmeshment must have been there since my birth. She stills pushes me into eating when she wants, what I want, clothes…my look, my body is “hers” .
I start to remember the cycles of enmeshment/abandonment, rage – I guess I must have lived it my entire life. I call it ambivalence. I never got it explained. I start to feel into how this manipulation was used against me.
The thing about my identity is so sad . I have lost my identity. I lived with this mother and her borderline grandmother who yelled as these very emotionally sick people do, and I became traumatised by this. No men. Also as a baby, I was not breastfeeded, intoxicated
by med. doctors and nobody searched help for me. This is when my biggest PTDS cause started. My mother used it all my life (I was not aware I have it) against me. It must have been much easier for her to scare me by her rage, sarcastic comments or just the silent treatment or other abandonment technics of her. I feel still like in her mercy, because the PTDS works in me and I feel scared to death, because of the physical trauma I had due to her, I guess.
I loved studying, wanted to make my life with teaching, but somehow, I was so unsure of myself, I let myself abused by a boss, supervisor (the worst guy at the university, I was his student)…my mother profited. When I got it and arranged a plan b for me to have my finances, got a good job far away from her, my got got sick with a very aggressive infection and reclessly infected me (she arranged the conditions that way that I came around, having no idea she was sick, just 2 weeks before I was headed for my new life). I became disabled, my immune system sucked and was partially forced to live with her. 2 years later, I got out of it, got another job, was headed to leave, this time more cautious, and -my mother got sick ! With a strange disease. She got out of everything. I became sick again with a pneumonia, this time I never recovered so far and suffered horrible physical stages since that time. It showed up, after long search, that I had rabbit pest. My mother infected me with lung pest. It is almost unpossible or soo rare to caught a rabbit pest in my area. It is my evidence for a mother who does whatever to break the autonomy of the daugther, who touches my body, my health in order to keep me around her.
I rage against it, but it does not help my PTDS that showed up since my last rabbit pest infection. I would have never thought she could do that, or that anyone could be that “good” to arrange such a situation.
All her behavior makes perfect sense to me. I have more other stories (financial abuse, the stuff with my ex, how she managed that I am scared to drive a care, what for scenes she did when I was driving in her car as a young adult, how she repeately told and made me feel that I am so incompetent in mind, body…I am scared today that I am no good for anything, any job). Great for her – I did not found any good therapist. Here where I need to live with her, are only a few, not a fit, one actually abused me and pressured me into cutting the contact right away with her: after his several sessions, my mother infected me (she must have felt something).
A perfect monster (a hidden one, covert).
It is my fight for life and death with this woman. (all my family members have gone, or I am no no contact, so this vampire is the last one).

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Sharon June 17, 2016 at 9:33 am

I’m almost 70 years old and I’m still trying to shake off her narcissi ways. It was hard but my only way to survive was to totally stop contact with her , our family is not close so none of us talk / my friends don’t really understand . A lot of people think I’m being hard on her . / but she is text book/ all your really helpful to me . I know I will never see my mother again / she has already tried that controlling after she is dead . Put I stopped her

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Sharon June 17, 2016 at 9:34 am

It all helps

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Jan M June 19, 2016 at 3:22 pm

Finding out one’s parent is a narcissist can be empowering. I stopped blaming myself for not being able to get along with my mother after decades of her telling me I was crazy. I realized it was her with the mental problems, not me but it took me five decades to figure out her meanspiritedness set aside for me. Mind you, there were others she hated as well like my dad’s sisters. She told me I should not get married because I was not capable of loving anyone. I then sabatoged every relationship until I turned 44. I was gaining self esteem by then by living far away from her–she and my father sent me away and I was never invited back at Christmas. They told my siblings not to invite me to their weddings. I just came back from my father’s funeral. At the end of his life, he begged me to turn over a new leaf become a good person–she had convinced him by then that I was dreadful. I have always tried to be a good person. The Golden Children were told to keep on being productive and live happy lives. They received affirmation. Me? No. As a young girl, I was the apple of his eye–thus in her mind I became a rival of his affection. My happy childhood turned on a dime–I was soon dubbed the Problem Child. At my the celebration of my father’s life just weeks ago, she tried to stop me from speaking–all of my siblings were slated to speak and she encouraged them. But she tried to stop me three times. “Take yourself off the program,” she said. She didn’t explain why. I refused and I did a great job. I had so many people telling me they loved my speech. I just throught to myself, “Mother, you no longer tell me what to do!” Of course I will probably be left out of her will, but I don’t care! All I want is freedom. And I have it! YAY!

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