Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

by Michelle Piper

The road is long and winding for the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Many twists and turns along the way, with no light guiding her. She may feel lost, not knowing which direction she should turn due to lack of guidance and without the proper care and nurturing for her to be able to find her way. Yes, it is true, being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, the route on the road to recovery is not an easy one. But, once you find your way, there is light at the end of the narcissistic tunnel.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother has been psychologically abandoned and abused since very early on in life. Whether she was the golden child or the scapegoat (most likely the scapegoat), she was not given the tools to become an authentic individual. She was made to be an extension of her narcissistic mother and play by the rules her mother has created. She was made to be a carbon copy of her narcissistic mother.

When a narcissistic mother wants the daughter to be a copy of herself, she wishes to use the child as a source of narcissistic supply. Perhaps there’s something she feels she wasn’t able to do in her youth that she expects you to do in yours, or maybe you’re blamed for stealing her life when you were born. Whatever the reason, she feels you “owe her” to be an extension of herself.

Children are naturally and innately dependent on their primary caregiver from birth and the narcissistic mother intends to keep the child dependent on her for as long as she possibly can in order to enjoy a sense of control throughout the child’s entire lifetime. Often, inheritance and financial favors are used by narcissistic parents to manipulate their children throughout their lifespan. The narcissistic mother expects her child to put her needs first, no matter how she treats you, your children or your significant other.

A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.

Having children is seen by narcissistic mothers as the perfect answer to the desire to have a captive narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, the narcissistic mother often gets overwhelmed by the natural demands of a child. Parenthood intensifies the NM’s abusive behavior and the child may then be blamed for the narcissistic mother’s inadequacies or failures. Sadly, many DONM’s are further betrayed by a father that enables the narcissistic mother’s abuse.

She yells at you? It’s your fault.
She hit you? You stressed her out.
She ignored you? You didn’t approach her in the right way.

But, you were an innocent child, not a “mini-me” of the narcissistic mother. A child is born perfectly imperfect, with the need to be protected, accepted, sheltered and nurtured. Answering these normal biological needs are seen by narcissistic parents as favors, not a precious duty, if given at all.

Narcissistic mothers want their child to do what they want, how they want it and when they want it. Many readers of this blog have experienced an “engulfment-abandonment cycle” where the mother engulfs, through boundary-less or abusive behavior, then abandons them when confronted or when something is more interesting to the parent than the child.

As these daughters grow up and become independent beings away from their mothers in order to one day make a life for themselves, select their own choices, and be functioning people in society, the narcissistic parent struggles to retain control. She will continue to force her child into whatever role provides her the most narcissistic supply, such as the blamed scapegoat, the forgotten lost, the falsely empowered golden, or the enmeshed and parentified child.

Because of being the same gender, daughters of narcissistic mothers are especially vulnerable to being seen by mom as a copy of herself. The narcissistic mother can therefore believe she may do as she pleases, physically and emotionally, when it comes to her daughter. She may expect her child to pursue the life partner she chooses. In this case, she wants the daughter’s significant other to be the most prestigious reflection of her genetic material’s potential.

A narcissistic mother will attempt to destroy her daughter’s romantic relationships so she can keep her child around for longer or if she doesn’t see the mate as being a fit counterpart. She will flirt with her daughter’s significant other, spread lies, and manipulate in order to keep her daughter all to herself and retain the narcissistic supply.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are shocked and saddened to catch their mothers lying directly to her own children or spouse. Narcissistic moms try to cause break ups, doing whatever she can to get her daughter back to only having one person in her life: her narcissistic mother.

Sons of narcissistic mothers aren’t immune to being objectified in similar ways by their narcissistic mother, but they may experience less blatant “copy of herself” behavior, like that of buying similar clothes, for instance. Often the narcissistic mom will see your partner alternately as competition or an ally to be manipulated against you. Your well meaning spouse may not understand they’ve a narcissistic mother-in-law and fall prey to her plea for help when you’ve set a boundary and your narcissistic parent is trying to get around it.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can become enraged as mom refuses to see them as their own person and are therefore not treated as such. Conversely, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may not realize this is happening and thus continue to become completely enmeshed with the narcissistic parent.

There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.

Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.

Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.

Both of these tactics, along with numerous other ploys, are how narcissistic mothers try to make their daughter into a clone, a copy of themselves for their own twisted satisfaction. If a daughter of a narcissistic mother tries to gain any sort of independence, it is met with rage and tactics meant to keep the child in her control, terrified of what the narcissistic mother might do if boundaries are enforced or even requested.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers keenly feel the trouble mom has in setting boundaries between the two of them. This can result in the child having psychological symptoms like “dissociating” in order to have a mental if not physical break from the narcissistic abuse.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can also convey their distress through physical symptoms, especially at a preverbal age. Unexplained physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, and muscle twitches or spasms are common non-verbal expressions of anxiety.

Narcissistic enmeshment continues into the adulthood of the daughter. The narcissistic mother will try to intrude on personal relationships, marriage, and child rearing of her child’s kids. As a narcissistic mother-in-law, she will tell her child that his or her partner’s healthy desires for privacy or boundaries are abnormal or manipulative.

Even in death, the narcissistic parent can try to control their daughters, daughter’s children and spouses from the grave by using the assets of their will and their distribution as yet another way to pit the siblings against one another. Pitting people against one another in this way is a toxic narcissistic behavior called splitting.

Sons of narcissistic mothers often are badgered by mom’s incessant desire to control their interactions with their own partners and can feel put in the middle between a mom “who means well” but is intrusive. The narcissistic mother “means well” only for herself. In the case of a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law this is, again, her inability to see her child as separate from herself. She tries to possess the child instead of support the child’s independence with love.

With an engulfing narcissistic mother, it can be very hard to get rid of her. It is important not to buy into her lies, intimidations, and manipulations. Don’t give in to her gaslighting or when she tries to tell you that you won’t be anything without her. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by your narcissistic parent, your time is too precious.

Gain your own financial, physical, and emotional independence from her and do your best to enforce low contact or no contact (although, no contact is extremely difficult with these kinds of narcissistic mothers.) Involve the authorities if you need to or feel you’re in any danger. Protect yourself first. Set firm limits and be strong when enforcing them.

Our community is full of those who work hard to leave the old narcissistic family system. The battles a daughter of a narcissistic mother (DoNM), must fight in order to gain this hard won independence often costs time and tears. Both sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve well earned peace and freedom.

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{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }

Lizette van Wyk December 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

I am a daughter of a N Mother, the way she managed to be in control of me and my life was by making sure I always ended up having to move back home, she would get me fired from my job or try every time I moved away from home, she damaged my relationship of 9 years for the same reason and made sure after I worked for her (big mistake!!!) that I can find a job again. She wanted to be in control of my life and destroyed me in the process,as well as many change I had for a normal life. I have also been bad mouthed by her all my life and she denies everything that she has done to me to the point where no one beliefs me, not even my family and that makes the abuse even worst. I can write a book about my life and childhood of at least 1500 pages, Because of the damage I can’t have a relationship with my family and it is sad, sh devil, I can’t give her a better name than that. Only thing left to do was go no contact and run like he’ll, there is nothing else you can do. Heal and try to be normal-she is a huge Christian and like swearing before God that she did not do this or that to my face, According to her I am the crazy one (I believed that to be true for many years) just like Mother wanted it to be. I am not flawed I am injured. Emotional abuse at it’s best! My advice, run like hell and never look back! I mourn the lossof my life every day, she had no right to take my birthright, I hate my Mother and can’t help it.

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Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Sadly Lizzette, this is not a matter of control with your mother, but, rather, a matter of having her emotional needs met through you. This is readily being recognized as “covert incest” This hideous form of narcissistic supply will continue to destroy anything good that ever comes into you’re life. As you’re mother understands it, as all narcissistic mothers do, you are here for her emotional gratification. You simply do not exist as a partner in the mother-daughter alliance. If You would like I’ll send you a copy of a little book I’ve written on the subject of maternal narcissistic abuse that I titled “Jezebel’s child: A Biblical healing of abuse and addictions for daughters of narcissistic mothers.” Although I’ll promise you no answers, I will promise you understanding. lassiegethelp@live.com God bless you.

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Krista January 25, 2013 at 12:42 pm

I’m so happy to know I’m not the only one! I don’t even know how I stumbled onto this site. I certainly wasn’t researching why my mom is crazy! I’m also so happy to hear there is a book based on Biblical teachings about this disorder! This is truly an answer to my prayers! I’m ordering it today! Krista

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BABS December 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I am 33yrs old & only just realised that my mother is a narcisstic. I came to this conclusion from googling after she told me that she wouldn’t mind my toddler anymore simply becasue I said to her that she shouldn’t give him a milkshake as his lunch.
She always makes everything about her.
I remember growing up she was always on some sort of diet or another. I would come home hungry from school and ask what was for dinner & she replied with “I don’t know what your having but I’m having ….” Whatever the pre prepared meal was for that day.
If she saw me eating any junk food I would get comments such as “chocolate casues pimples” or “thats going to catch up with you one day..” Even as an adult if I reach for a lolly I get some sort of remark.
As a teenager I worked from the time I was 14 & 9 months. From the day I started work I was then responsible for paying my own way. I would have to buy my own clothes, and even pay for my own deoderant and sanitary pads! My job was at night, working from 6pm – 9pm. Instead of being happy that I had a job (like she wanted me to have) she would complain that she would have to drive me in and pick me up. Even tho there was no public transport alternatives and I couldn’t drive myself.
Although I never caught her snooping through my bedroom and I know that she did. She would often just happen to stumble accross something or another in my room and she always seemed to know things that had happened (probably becasue she would read my diary even though it was hidden)
She would often embarress me infront of my friends. I would always seem to be in trouble for something when I had people over. Even now we are all adults, my friends are in aggreance with me that my mother was infact a bitch to me.
I remember my mother said to me on more than one occasison as a child that she wished that I was never born. She also slapped me across the face (on more than one occassion).
She was and still is a big on giving the silent treatment. She has not only done it to me, but also my father too.
She has told me in the past “you will need me, before I need you.”
She is never in the wrong, will never say that she is sorry, and will never remember the times that she has done any of the things that I recall.
If she has the shits with something she will make sure everyone around her has to suffer. I remember family holidays Mum would have the shits before we had even reversed out the driveway. .. It made for a very long car ride.
If I ever made general comments about being tired or not wanting to go to work I would have things snapped back at me such as “you think your tired, what about me, I have to do….” Or “How do you think I feel I’ve been working since I was 16″
When I was 18 (and had finished school) I went out to the pubs one night. My mum knew who I was with and where I was, but I didn’t come home. When I did come home that morning I was met with a note telling me that I was a slut and that I had a month to move out. I wasn’t spoken to for that entire month. I wish now that I had moved out, but Dad told me that he didn’t want me to go and that he would sort it out.
I remember once as a 16 or 17 year old saying that I was scared of something hurting and Mum replying that she hoped that I would feel like that before the 1st time that I had sex.
When I was getting married Mum took it upon herself to orgainsise the hair and makeup (all with the places that she goes to, not me) I let her have the hair, but wasn’t in agreeance with the makeup simply due to time restrictions & conveniace. She didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks.
When my husband and I were renovating our house my parents were coming in one morning to help. My mum rang beforehand trying to suggest we do something a certain way (with the renovations) When I told her that we were doing it another way, she hung up on me and my parents never turned up to help.
When I was 5 or 6 months pregnant with my 1st child she decided that when the baby came she would come in to my place and help me. She had decided on the days and times and had eveything all orgainised. When I polietly told her that the baby wasn’t coming for another 3-4 months and that I didn’t want to have set times in place (as I had no idea what we would be doing at those times) she became the victim. She didn’t speak to me and even went as far as ringing my husband in tears. He felt sorry for her and told me that I should ring her and when I did I copped abuse down the phone.
Recently I have given birth to a stillborn baby at 5 months gestation. Somehow Mum has even made that about her. She has been telling anybody that will listen, crying to everyone and contacting my friends and even facebook friends telling them and telling them not to contact me. She says that she is helping me.
Aaaaaaaaargh! I am just so over it…

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BABS December 13, 2012 at 5:23 am

When I was pregnant with my 1st child I gained alot of weight (I have always been small) My mother announced at a family function that she can now say that she weighs less than me.
Over the past year I have had alot of stress at work. I work within a small department and have endured over 12 months of bullying from my manager. (To the extent that upper management are investigation my managers actions) Anyway, my Mum has basically told me that I need to get over it. Although she took 12 months “stress leave” the previous year becasue she worked at the same place as some woman she didn’t like (not with them, or in the same area as them, just the same building) Yet, my issues are dismissed.
If I mention something to my Mum about someone or something that she already knows and I ask her why she didn’t tell me, she snaps at me “you have no idea of all the stuff I’ve got in my head”
She has an opinion about EVERYTHING and its always right.
My brother and his partner recently went on a 6 week o/seas holiday. The pair had saved for years to go and my mother kept carrying on how she had to mind their dog, and that my Dad was an idiot becasue he offered to mow their lawn while they were away. I then heard about how she thought they were stupid for spending so much money on a holiday and that they should of been putting that money onto their home loan. Becasue thats waht she would do.
Although, she enjoys the luxury of holidays every 3-4 months,,, cruises, o/seas holidays, weekends away, stage shows, concerts etc etc. Well after all she is 59 years old and been working since was was 16.
My Mum has my toddler one day a week while I work. She offered to come to my house before I go to work (saving me from dropping him at her house) She often does things around the house (even though I tell her not to touch anything) Then all I hear about is how she made my bed, or did I notice that she took the rubbish out. .. I even get snide remarks about things that I may not have done around the house. I have been told that my microwave is filthy and she had to clean it, or that I need to clean out my linin cupboard. The days she has my toddler don’t really affect her lifestyle. The days are worked around her activities and my child just has to fit in. On occasion I have asked if he could spend the night. Afterwards all I hear about is how she doesn’t sleep at all when his there cos she is listening out for him (he sleeps throughout the night)
My Mums brother has told me that Mum has been like it her entire life. He said that she has always made out that she is hard done by and that she has always come first, second and third, and everyone else comes after that.
My mums parents live approx 50 minutes away. They are both 86. My Mum makes no attempt to visit them or do anything for them (even though she works part time and has 10 weeks holidays a year) She will stop in to see them when she is driving past (on her way to a concert or a weekend away) I then hear about how filthy their unit is etc etc. My Uncle is left to help them out, taking them to various medical appointments, grocery shopping ect. But according to my mother he can do that becasue he doesn’t work and she does. He took a months holaday a few months ago and asked my mother to go visit once a week in his absence. That was an effort and my mother begrudged him the whole time telling me that its “alright for some” and she would like to have a months holiday.
As a child I don’t really remember my Mum doing a great deal with me. I seem to remember all the negative things. The more I think about things the more bitter I get. If it wasn’t for my friends throughout my teenage years I have no idea how I would of survived. Although, remembering all of the things that she went on like I have no idea why any of them wanted to even come to my house or my birthday parties. And the thing is, I was a good kid, I went well at school, I kept a part time job, I helped out around the house. I wasn’t a brat.
Reading back over this I feel I need ALOT of therapy to deal with all of therse unresolved feelings. If nothing else, I will make sure I do not turn out like my mother and that my son will not feel the same way towards me as I feel towards her.

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Shannon January 11, 2014 at 11:36 am

Babs, I am reading this a year after you wrote.
I hope and pray you have chosen mental health, and life, and to be proactive in protecting your son. I hope and pray you have chosen never to leave your precious child with someone that has caused so much damage and bitterness and hurt in your life. By your own words recognizing you will need therapy. And you do, you deserve it. So does your precious family. Bless you on your journey of healing and living.
May this find you living.

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Kara May 16, 2014 at 12:47 pm

OMG your mum and mine aren’t one and the same are they????!!!
Mine was strikingly similar at a similar age and I never broke the law but rebelled big time, I have always told her exactly what she was because I figured someone needed to, someone needed to challenge her.
The best thing to do is to have absolutely no worries about what she or anyone else might think ….do what YOU want and set good boundaries, not just with her but with others. Cease contact with the ones that make you uncomfortable.
One good way of talking about narcissists to others safely is by couching your words in a very breezy and nonserious manner, don’t let on you’re annoyed even if you are quite upset, just state the facts blandly and people will soon pick up that the N is being an idiot.. The narcissist basically wants to make you and everyone else upset, that is all they exist for, so if they realize everyone is laughing at them theyay not be so sure of themselves. Not that that will change them, but it just may make them feel uneasy.

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Michelle December 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I’m 46 years old and just realizing I have a NM. I feel guilty right now even typing that…like she may find out and punish me…punish me at 46? She is almost 70 and here I thought she would get “better” as she got older. I’ve tried to make her happy. I’ve tried to ask her to get help. Can she heal? Can she get better? I still love her and don’t want to abandon her, but she makes life so difficult..I was her scapegoat. My sister her golden child. Now I know the truth. It WASN’T my fault. I SURVIVED. I am on my own and giving my children and husband the love and patience and nurturing that I wanted so much as a child. My husband and kids’ love fills that hole my mom has left inside me. I just wish I knew all this a little sooner…Thank you for your blog. xoxo

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Roger January 17, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Isn’t it bizarre that we still feel the guilt for our NMs even when they’re not around? I think that, honestly, narcissists don’t get better, they never really love anyone but themselves. They will never get help because they think they are perfect. You’re lucky you’ve created your own family, one that loves and cares for you and get to experience something you didn’t get when you were younger.

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Liberdade December 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I am 44 and have been struggling with my mother for all my life. And always people around me have said she means well, she is such a sweet woman, etc. I have tried to speak with her, I have tried to stay away from her (but could never keep it up out of guilt), I have tried to comply. Nothing helps to lift the FOG. I’m also angry as hell.
It has only recently come to my mind that there is possibility she’s narcissistic. I have married a narcissistic man twice, and have read a lot on the subject. Initially to get a grip on the situation, later on I realized that I needed to heal myself in order to not be vulnerable to narcissists. I am not sure she’s a narcissist, because she helps me out whenever she can and has, of that I am sure, the best of intentions. That makes it difficult to hold her accountable.
But the trouble with her is that she is so controlling, so back to front, outside in, so impossible to really speak with, that she makes me feel utterly voiceless, as if I don’t matter at all. She has an image of who she wants me to be and of how our relationship is that is totally, completely fictional. When I have the guts to tell her I see things differently, she either doesn’t let me speak out, or gets angry, or starts to cry. She has me in her claws either way.
She has invaded my privacy in so many ways, that I feel physically repulsed by her. I feel as if I’m sexually abused. She walked into the bathroom when I was in and commented on my breasts and pubics, she went through my stuff (and thoroughly!), she demanded I had my hair cropped short when I grew older, she demanded I wore the clothes she picked for me, she stared at me for minutes…?! She seemed to have a fixation on my sexual development. She read my diaries and mail that I received from boyfriends. She flirted with them. She told them strange things about me. After I had given birth of my first son, she told my husband when I was out of earshot that I had grown fat! Huh? Not that she would admit to that.
Recently my feelings have flamed up because my children (5 and 6) have started saying they no longer want grandma to pick them up from school, she’s not nice, she screams at them, they have to stand in the hallway for punishment a lot, etc. My mum’s very stressed out with the kids. In a way, I was happy they told me this, because it means that I was right. It’s not me. I feel now it’s allowed in a way to not like her.
I will do anything in my power to shield my children from she shit she put on us children, so that means in future we keep our visits to granny short and I will make sure she won’t be alone with them anymore. I so not want them to get accustomed to her tensity.
How do I unleash myself from her is my next step. She’s now 73 and not in good shape. My father passed away years ago, but there are still a lot of relatives around her. But these people are getting older as well and I fear the day that I will have to go and see her daily. Because even though she says she understands I have my own life, she has her ways to pass the message on in such a way that I can’t help but feel pity. She can’t help it. She’s not in good shape. She doesn’t understand. She can’t change.
Thank you for creating a space where I could write this down and feel understood.

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Kevin Wolfe January 4, 2013 at 9:07 am

My Lady. When you ask, “how do I unleash myself?” This is a common question among daughters who have become “enmeshed” Fortunately, Enmeshment is not a physical, but psychological and emotional bonding to your mother, therefore you don’t have to physically withdraw love and support from your mother. Sadly, to hear what a “sweet mother” she is and only wants the best for you, is a common misunderstanding people have concerning narcissistic mothers. They simply do not understand the “smoke screen” behind your mothers calculated behavior. This common narcissistic manipulation leads the daughter to exhibit what is clinically referred to as, “avoidance response” That is, minimizing the abuse in a desperate attempt to believe she is loved, i.,e, “I’m her only daughter” Or, “She just wants to protect me.” Or, as you’ve said, to avoid guilt. The guilt, my lady, is an illusion, a tool skilfully used against you over the years designed to prevent you from what your attempting to do now; “unleash yourself.”

Consider Dr., Jung’s thoughts: “It is not possible to live to long in the bosom of the family without endangering one’s physic health.” — Professor, Dr., Carl Jung.

Precisely Jesus’ point: “I have not come to sow peace, but to divide, with a sword. To set at variance, daughter against mother.” Matthew, 10:34. What Jesus’ is suggesting in this passage is a difference of thoughts, values and opinions, as this is the definition of the word, “variance.” therefore a psychological and emotional division of enmeshment. Look closely where the master teacher says “To divide with a sword.” This phrase is an illustration that the psychological separation will not be pretty. It will cause pain. However, the end result will amaze you. Freedom, sweet freedom from bondage.”

May God, hold you in the hollow of His hand.

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tina January 6, 2013 at 12:33 pm

These are scriptures that I too have brought to my attention in my recovery. So well stated.

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Wray January 31, 2013 at 9:02 am

It does not end here. Your kids will be grown and she will still act the same way…. I suggest taking two year breaks from her . Contact and chat, get abused and take another two years. Anyhow my mom is 86 and she is still the same N she always was. I don’t speak with her anymore, not do my grown children.

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Jocasta February 2, 2013 at 11:18 pm

Liberdade….The only way as I see it is to go and live a long way from her. I did this and it saved me. Distance gives you the opportunity to grow stronger without her continually breaking down your barriers. When she asked to visit I said no. You have right on your side and you must be strong.
Think of your children if this is a difficult decision. For their benefit you have no choice but to leave or they will suffer from your being abused and then she will continually have those children in her sights.
N’s have no self-control so you must take the control.

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Liberdade February 25, 2013 at 1:08 pm

Thank you all for your replies, it feels good to have been heard and understood. After I wrote this message, my mother fell ill and died soon. I have stayed with her in the process, and we managed to say goodbye peacefully. I know it’s not a decent thing to say, so glad I can do it anonymously, but I am so relieved.

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Kris December 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

This is quite enlightening. My sister is the golden child and it is helpful to know what she goes through. My brothers and sisters always knew that the blatant double standard of a childhood we lived was slanted in her favour but nobody resented my sister herself. The only annoying part was that my sister never seemed to grasp the special treatment that she received – she seemed to be under the impression that we were all playing by the same rules and that somehow she deserved the special treatment because of something she did that we didnt do.

Now, understanding the triangulation and subtle lies, i understand better that she probably had her head filled with bogus things that we did wrong or bad grades that we never got or things she found in our rooms that were either never there or werent supposed to be found.

Its interesting to hear that the golden child would get their room searched too. Mine was searched through regularly and thoroughly. When she found something, she would usually try to get one of my siblings to take the blame by saying they were looking for something and they found this.

The lack of boundaries in sense of self between the golden child and narcissitic mother is something ive only realized between my sister and my mom since ive learned about narcissism. I think my entire relationship with my sister over the past 16 years has been subject to this and is likely either a writeoff or going to need to be started over from scratch.

Examples? My mom told me she told my sister about my new job promotion and my sister was very excited for me. Turns out my sister never heard about my new job. She told me when i went to the police and reported that my moms brother molested my friend that my she told my sister and my sister said she supported me all the way. My sister never had that conversation with my mother, she only found out after talking to my brother. In effect my mother is speaking *for* my sister to us putting words into her mouth.

This perverse sense of enmeshed self that my mom has with my golden child sister manifests in other ways. If i show my mother something cool that i have (my 160 inch home theatre system is one particularly prominent example) she starts to brag and compete *for* my sister, talking about stainless steel appliances or something so totally unrelated that it feels like the conversational train has just jumped the tracks. When we have child rearing difficulties she brings up how well my sister does with her son and carries on and on. Only one major problem. My sister has a son. I have a daughter. Beleive me, raising a girl comes with a completely different set of challenges to raising a boy. How is my sisters parenting style relevant when we are trying to get out 8 year old girl to stop wearing skimpy dresses in the winter? I buy a sail boat and talk about what a great summer my family is having spending every weekend on the boat. She tells me how thrilled my sister is, later i find out my sister doesnt know about the boat and everyone else is told that it was a hopelessly irresponsible decision on my part.

I cant imagine what my golden child sister actually *does* hear about me. Probably what an irresponsible sod i am and how she wishes that i would get my act together and bla bla bla.

Ive gone no contact with my parents and i look forward to having a relationship with my sister independent of my parents, i only hope that one can be salvaged. 16 years of hearing about me through my mother may have jer so far base that the relationship is unrecoverable, because i fear that despite having full intention of not talking about my mother it will likely turn out to be one conversation after another overturning a decade and a half of lies. She will either get it or she wont i guess.

Hope this helps the golden children out there searching for answers.

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Anne February 21, 2014 at 8:16 pm

Ditto. DIITO. DITTO. I don’t know what else to say other then that. I’ve been experiencing the exact same as you for over 15 yrs. I am 45 and the last of 7. I’ve just figured it out…obviously I knew something was wrong but couldn’t exactly put my finger on it. but now I know know she is sick. We ALL know NOW. Good riddance.

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Sarah December 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Hi

Reading all the posts it really hits home how damaging this is and not to let it damage you any further. It’s still so controversial a subject, and feels like mum-bashing, which believe me is not my intent.

I am 35 and starting to realise how challenging unravelling the harm caused by growing up with narciscism. My mother did her best, I am sure and I try to balance out the consistent negative responses in my head with something, somewhere, that is positive, I have to hold on to that. Yet it has caused so much harm and has scared me to the point of obsession that I will turn out like her to my future children (as if aliens will steal my brain). That is of course if I have any children, as I have been put off for fear of how I would screw them up. I am scared that I may have some learned behaviours from her and I over analyse everything as a result.

Growing up as a young girl with a step sister 7 years younger than me, my mum used to inappropriately share adult information with me about my step father (also a good old fashioned narcisisst, 12 years my mother’s senior). One occasion she told me about finding dirty magazines and how wrong and disgusting he was, how he was perverted. I should state that my mum never had any friends so often parted with information better reserved for adult conversation. At a young age I was flattered and felt grown up, but looking back sharing this kind of information at such an impressionable age is unfathomable, I mean what young girl growing up would not find pornography completely threatening? Did that skew my idea of sexuality? She then saught my verification that it was best for her to leave him (I couldn’t understand the full facts at such a young age -I was 13, and already troubled and unprepared for growing up, but it seemed like the right idea at the time, they argued continually, but all the while it was part of her plan to leave dad for someone else). My step dad would later tell me that the divorce “was all my fault” and that “mother always took my side over him” the latter being true to an extent, but that is another story in itself. My mother left my step dad for one of his employees at the company they ran together, who at the time was 21, and she was 43. They are still together yet they dont live together, which whilst I am very open minded, feel the circumstances highly disfunctional to my younger sister (or me) growing up. There were a lot of lies and half truths to cover up tracks regarding their relationship and lies to my step father so he wouldn’t find out. The younger man my mum left my step dad for continued to work for my step dad (and so did my mum for many years after their split, all the while having an affair under his nose). As you can imagine it made for horrific fighting between my mum and step dad, it was acidic. They would yell and belittle each other in front of customers and staff and it was indecent.

I ran off the rails I must admit, leaving home at 17 and ending up in a narcisstic relationship at 18 to 23 (this was my fault, I hold no one accountable for my own actions, but I do believe I was trying to get away from this dysfunction). Through this rebellion I was cast as the ‘trouble maker’ and was dealt with by her and her younger partner as such, as though I was born with this affliction and my behaviour detracted from her wonderful new relationship. I spent years blaming myself, that I was not worth anything. My sister too was damaged, being molly coddled because of ‘my rebellion’ and felt unable to leave home until a year or so ago at the age of 26, when she finally tired of my mum’s bizarre behaviour.

Today my mother still constantly lies, and tells one thing to my sister and one thing to me, this has always been a problem. Whether she does this intentionally or otherwise she has caused a divide between my sister and me, it just cannot be helped, it is safer. Our whole triangular relationship is one of paranoia that you don’t know who says what with my mum in the middle so it becomes clipped and light conversation to avoid triggers.

Mum told me several years ago she believed that my step dad abused my sister sexually… This NEVER happened, and how she could even have said this out loud with no evidence, she just used this as an excuse for why my sister didnt like staying there and it justified her decision. Yet whilst my step father made some serious mistakes as a father and was admitedly probably a lousy husband, I can certainly vouch for his innocence growing up with him. If that had been in the remotest bit true, why did she stay with him 10 years, why did she let my sister stay there for the weekend? Why is my sister now close to him? There have been countless lies and stories of complete fantasy dreamed up over the years, so much so it makes me cringe and there is not the page space here to go through it all.

Throughout my early years she denied my feelings of frustration, dismissed my questions about subjects I was scared of, and ignored me when I needed advice except to account for her own ‘experience’. When any kind of soap opera was on the television she kind of zoned out like a zombie. She would complain of working and never having any time for herself (EVERY time we speak to her on the phone), yet my sister and I could not understand why she would continually say this, she works fairly short hours for full time, no more than any of us do on a daily basis, no kids at home. She comes home and watch 5 hours of TV straight and still does, I can even tell you what she watches in order of schedule: Home and Away, Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Coronation street and Emmerdale -oh yes then Holby City and then Sci-fi chanel catch up. This is fine if you like that kind of thing, however she will complain about work and never having any time! This will be ‘offloaded’ at any opportunity on the phone (she never calls, I have to call her. This is not so bad however!). When I start to talk to her sometimes I hear her zone out, she is not listening -just hmmm…hmmm and then change the subject, because of this, I limit conversations to no more than 5 minutes and x1 a fortnight which has helped a litte. I don’t really share anything.

At my uncle’s funeral my partner brought to my attention how uncomfortable her behaviour made everyone feel, she would introduce me as “Sarah, my daughter…”, and then she blurted out as quickly as she could “who works for XYZ corporation!!” as some sort of caveat or explanation for my existence that had to be said to anyone willing to listen, not caring that I might not need everyone to know that, at that point, it was so inappropriate for a funeral setting. It’s difficult to explain, but you had to be there to get the context of her implication. I put it down to grief, but her behaviour was so ‘off’ it was troubling.

Most recently my mother has made my partner of 3 years feel very uncomfortable by staring at him and ‘competing’ with me, so much so that he brought this up with me, as I was not in the room, he said “I wish your mum would stop staring at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable!” How devastating was that to hear, I cannot even tell you. I cringed at that fact. She was always obsessed with looks, one of the only photographs of her in the house is from her modelling days where she is just in a skimpy outfit on a float at a carnival. She would always say she had no friends as all women were jealous of her, and I wonder if her obsession with youth saw her move into a relationship with a man so young. I do not see this as adult decision making but decisions based on insecurity.

Everytime my mother visits, I feel dread, I feel worry, I shut down, and become quite horrible actually, I dont like myself, and spend the entire time biting my lip, I feel ill. My partner has been amazing and caring and helped me so much which I am very grateful and lucky to have such a balanced and caring man in my life. We have worked hard to get where we are, I am at last studying for the degree (my mother failed to see the point of, education was always very abstract for her, something she didnt really understand as she never bothered to educated herself at any point). When I had some news about my results, she interupted me within a minute and started telling me about her new carpet and new car that she got with grannies inheritance (she had told me this news twice before on the phone).

We took her and her partner out to dinner, as we usually pay for and do so out of respect for parents now that we can afford to. I finally started the conversation about my course and the people that I was studying with at a good uni in London that I am lucky to attend and she blurted out in her rural vernacular “Well I speak the Queen’s English, ME!” and my partner and I looked at each other in disbelief. It was actually quite commical if not so desperate. She then proceeded to be rude to the foreign waitress for mishearing an order (it was very loud and forgivable as the dishes sounded the same). It was as if deliberately reaffirming her ‘status’ but comes off as a horrible snob. I used to work as an air hostess and spent a lot of time serving people. There is no excuse to talk to people that way when they make a small rectifiable mistake, it was rude on many levels.

I can live with it in small doses, the lack of filter, the blatent copying of things that we own and have around the house though it drives me insane she can’t do her own thing. I realise I have to work on myself and how I react to her, sometimes laugh about it, which I do! But deep down can I forgive? She had a troubled upbringing, so she is not right. My granddad was a patriachal abuser, and my gran was a passive enabler, and they stayed together as they did in those days. But do you know, it makes me cross…she has so much resource available to her today and that its incredible in her life she will never fully realise what she has done, she could help herself and learn from all of this just as we are having to do.

Right now I am on low contact and it will be like this for ever more, when or if I have young children I dont want them around her chain smoking narcisscism which is sad.

Apologies for the massive post, Its a weight off my mind to finally share… and if it strikes a cord with anyone else, its worth it. Would really appreciate your comments. Thanks.

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Kris December 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Sounds like my NM aspires to be like your NM. Wishes she was British.

My mom had no pictures of herself up in the house. Not a very pretty lady with very bad teeth. She did have a picture of a queen on the wall with whom she shares a first name. Always acting haughty-taughty like she was from some high brow background which is absolutely not the case and lorded it over everyone always. Was arrogant to the supreme in bad mouthing us kids’ manners but she would belch and wolf down her food and couldnt set a table as proper as I could when I was 13 and i was a boy.

Same as you with the copying of everything. I bought a HE2 front load washer and she would carry on about how she bought a similar one as well, even though she still has a washer from the 80′s. Anything nice i have purchased she either carries on about something real or imagined that she has thats similar or better, either that or she tells everyone how irresponsible it was for me to buy such a thing and that is a peice of junk (my 30ft sailboat comes to mind, hard to BS about having one of those). My sister got into running so she got into running, despite the 30 year age difference, a 60 y.o. Woman shouldnt start training to enter marathons without a lot of prep work first.

When i got my first great job she would introduce me in the same way. “my son X who works for XYZ corp”. When i started running my own business from home then i was a two bit loser who needed to get a real job. After 10 years of working from home shes painted a picture of me so awful to family and her friends that she cant climb back down the tree, i got back into investment banking and everyone now hears how my new job is sketchy.

My mom constantly lies too. Both about me and to me. No filter at all – once i was over at her house for dinner and she had a friend over as a guest and started calling his dead mother a b**ch and a horrible nasty person, a matter my enabling father obliviously let unfold while he ate and it was me who needed to diffuse the situation. I had brought a girl over for that meal too – hardly a good first impression.

Theyre insane and there is no rational reason for why they act that way. Im no contact with them now and the games only continue.

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Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 2:22 pm

You’re narcissistic mother staring at your mate is a common occurance among these woman who have unfulfilled and unlived lives. So unfulfilled and unlived that they use their daughter’s as an extensions of this dissatisfaction, literally living her unrealized dreams through her daughter. Consider Dr., Freud’s thoughts:

“Where the psycho-sexual needs of the woman are to be satisfied in marriage and family life, there is always the danger of dissatisfaction through the premature termination of the conjugal relationship and the monotony of the wife’s emotional life. The ageing mother protects herself against this by living through by living through the lives of her children. This emotional identification with the daughter may go as far with the mother that she also falls in love with the man her daughter loves.” Totem and Taboo, Sigmund Freud.

This conclusion is illustrating typical narcissistic boundary violations. The narcissistic mother simply does not see where her life ends and yours begins. Combine this with the notorious lack of empathy and sense of entitlement and you have the classic narcissistic intrusive mother.

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Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Ha! “I speak the Queen’s English, ME!” Gotta love it.

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Samantha Ueno December 29, 2012 at 3:45 am

My NM has her own blog. lynnrandallmoyer.blogspot.com. She wrote this blog to claim that I have Asperger’s, after I came out on my own blog about how I was abused as a child. I asked her to get me a therapist and have me diagnosed if she really believed what she wrote, so far she has called me an asshole and a liar on Twitter and on the blog and told me I was disinherited. Nice, huh?

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Noel December 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Your mother wrote: “Sad but true…I have faced the fact that she and I are not ever going to have a mother-daughter bond….we didn’t all along, although I tried, and we won’t.”

I’m so sorry for you. She is easy to diagnose, but alas it is not our role. Suffice to say, your mother has some serious issues.

Find your own peace!!!

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Echo June 4, 2014 at 10:16 am

Your mother removed the blog it seems??? I have been reading posts like yours lately and understand your pain. I cannot speak no more though. Remember we all have our secrets but eventually the truth will come out. It’s just we’re all dancing round the mentioned family member. Scared to tell the truth so we dance instead.

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Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 1:55 pm

My name is Kevin Wolfe, and I am the author of book scheduled for release in the late spring of 2013. The book is titled; “Jezebel’s child: A Biblical healing of abuse and addictions for daughter’s of narcissistic mother’s” Being the son of a narcissistic father was the beginning of my understanding of this insidious abuse, but it was not the inspiration for the nearly three year sacrifice that accompanied the research and writing of this book. The inspiration came through loving the daughter of a maternal narcissist. The narcissistic “smother mother.” Although narcisstic abuse is damaging through ignoring or engulfing,Daughter’s of maternal narcissistic parentification, or covert incest, simply are profoundly, inter personally challenged. That is, their ability to forge life long, intimate relationships with others has been compromised. This typically leads to isolation and loneliness. A breeding ground for addictive behaviors. If you are the daughter of one of these mothers, chances are, you’ve developed an addiction. Although, no one has a definitive answer to this abuse, I believe that I have offered knowledge and understanding throughout my writing. And as the Bible says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge.”

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic, smother mother, I am offering you the manuscript free of charge as a focus for this books final draft. you’re comments after reading the material would be greatly appreciated. For a free copy of this manuscript simply e-mail me @ lassiegethelp@live.com. God bless you.

Kevin Wolfe.

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Wray January 31, 2013 at 9:08 am

I hope you realize that many children of N’s were abused by religion as well. The Bible was just another tool in their punishment.
I believe in God. But I would not buy a book, that used the Bible to help children of N’s but that’s my personal experience .
Good luck!

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barwin January 3, 2013 at 12:14 am

Wow Kevin thank you. I have emailed you a little earlier to ask for the book.
My mother is a smother mother and it hit me just yesterday how our relationship
Has really been based on competition all my life – camouglaged in her ‘love’.
You are accurate in saying that our future relationships are coloured by this most
Important one. I have been lucky enough to have been in a church where people were
Genuinely committed to both asking real questions and listening. I hope other ACONs
Can find this experience too as I would still be as unaware and hurt if I hadn’t.
I’ve seen on this blog that acons often get attracted to narcissistic partners – and then
Feel guilty and foolish. This is not our fault I believe – it is a familiar relationship – one we
Have been trained into accepting.
Thanks for this blog michelle!!!!

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barwin January 3, 2013 at 7:42 am

Hi I’m not sure if the following message did get posted or if I deleted it somehow:
Wow Kevin thank you. I have emailed you a little earlier to ask for the book.
My mother is a smother mother and it hit me just yesterday how our relationship
Has really been based on competition all my life – camouglaged in her ‘love’.
You are accurate in saying that our future relationships are coloured by this most
Important one. I have been lucky enough to have been in a church where people were
Genuinely committed to both asking real questions and listening. I hope other ACONs
Can find this experience too as I would still be as unaware and hurt if I hadn’t.
I’ve seen on this blog that acons often get attracted to narcissistic partners – and then
Feel guilty and foolish. This is not our fault I believe – it is a familiar relationship – one we
Have been trained into accepting.
Thanks for this blog michelle!!!!

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tina January 6, 2013 at 12:29 pm

I have the perfect case in point. My GCsis tried to starve herself for attention after our dad died. Trust me, she is an N too. EVERYTHING was always about her, always grabbing for attention and thinking she was the star of the show. She came very close to dying. Long story short-now she is N-supply for our NM. She dresses like NM, wears her hair like NM, goes only places with NM, in fact only talks to NM. She is absolutely nothing like she was. It is one of the most freakiest things I’ve has witnessed first hand, maybe the freakiest. But NM is happy she has a minion with her at all times, like she always wanted, a role I filled until she decided me having children interrupted. With all this going for NM she decided to really assault me, Well, after all she no longer needed me. Which proved to be a blessing. Her behavior was sooo bad, I was able to get her out of my life for good. That was a year ago and I too am a different person, a FREE one!

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Kris January 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm

Interesting Tina. My GC sister had a similar transformation as yours but my sister did the transformation immediately after having children. Its hard to tell how it started or what is going on, because, like your GC sister, my NM and GC sister are like two peas in a pod. Every Xmas they spend together, without any of the other siblings present. Every time my NM and EF visit the city (where I, my brother, and GC sis live, my sister lives only 3 hours drive away and has no problem coming up) they spend about two days with my GC sister and if they feel up to it try to cram in everyone else in some morning thing on their way out of town.

Unlike your scenario, with the children, ever since my GC sister had a child, I now never hear from her. I did try calling and connecting here and there, but never had my messages returned. At our sister’s funeral she asked me, “Are you upset with me or something? I never hear from you and I just want to make sure there isnt a problem between us”, to which I simply replied that I’d called many times over the previous 6 years but she never returned my call. I had no problem with her at all, other than her poor track record of returning messages.

I now realize though that the “problems” she was referring to were probably ficticious triangulations set in play by my NM. Words put in my mouth or somehing.

Like your GC sis, mine and my NM do starkly similar things. My GC sister starts running marathons, and my NM starts (at nearly 60!) jogging to try to get in good enough shape to run them with her. My NM travels six hours to the city to “help out and volunteer” at my nephew’s sports games, with my GC sister who always gets onto the organizing committee.

The cycle of Narcissism I beleive is certainly going to continue right down the line to my nephew – I doubt my GC sister will realize until it’s too late. Its truly incredible that my GC sister doesn’t realize that something is truly off; when my NM will travel for six hours to watch my nephew’s soccer game but wont drive for 25 minutes to pick one of the other siblings up from the bus depot on Christmas Eve.

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Kevin Wolfe January 7, 2013 at 4:35 pm

This news might be of some interest to everyone. According to the American, psychiatric association, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders is removing “Narcissistic personality disorder” from their upcoming fifth edition. Let me see if i understand this correctly. An aggressive, insensitive and abusive personality disorder possessing a maternal lack of empathy for ones own child, that obviously leads to insidious child abuse that psychologically damages our future mothers for life, and modern medicine no longer wants to recognize it?

This is insane! In 1914, Dr., Freud, along with professor Jung, made it clear that this hidious disorder, present within parental figures, was, as were dicovering through this blog and others, culturally destructive.

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Jocasta January 23, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Yes Kevin, I did know that was happening. It is a worry when sociologically speaking we are living in a narcissistic world these days – that is to say our whole culture is about survival of the fittest which requires you to think only of your own interests. It is not a good look !

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Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm

WOW! now even the medical profession is falling for their lies and manipulation and sticking up for them. Leave it to me to have been a victim of a form of abuse that is considered a non-issue. It just fits the rest of my life!

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Kara May 16, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Perhaps – unfortunately – Nism is so widespread (ie as much as the common cold and as difficult to treat) that the doctors have given up on it and have no choice but to say “well go home and rest, that’s life, get on with it”. Because, I mean short of dispatching the N swiftly in a terminal fashion – or dispatching oneself from their immediate sphere of influence and making as damn sure as one can that one won’t be like them, or tolerate that sort of behaviour – because one doesn’t have to – there really is not a lot one can do.

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Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 3:48 pm

My mom first chased away my father, who remarried. She was at her worst when I was transitioning from teen to young adult. I seriously considered “disappearing” and changing my name, moving 3000 miles away. I found a job, moved out (four miles down the road) and her instrusion continued. I married the first taker (error!) and moved 20 miles away (good move, actually.)

Predictably, I didn’t choose well, and the next relationship was even worse. The first was classically Histrionic, the second was a controlling closet cross-dresser. The one after that lasted 20 years, and was a classic emotionally abusive controlling Narcissist who was charming at first, and only let his colors show in private. Over the years it became a power struggle between him demanding to cross my boundaries, and me demanding that my boundaries not be crossed. In other words, I was unable to provide an increasingly abundant Narcissistic supply. Then I got very sick, and he actually said that friends had called “…and everyone wants to know how YOU are, but no one asks me how I’M doing?!”

It ‘s true that being raised like this ruins a person, then on an unconscious level, it feels “normal” to have someone invade your soul. I have overcome playing into it…but it has been a long, arduous road.

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George January 21, 2013 at 9:32 am

Hi all. Love this site

Just wanted to thank everyone and tell them my story. I was raised by extreme cluster b narcissist, histrionic and borderline mother. Everyone thinks shes the “sweetest”lady but as the scapegoat I know best.
Am 30 years old officially moved out 7 months ago (was in and out during college and grad school).
Interestingly I picked up many of her narcissist traits and was a little tyrant up until my mid 20s then woke up. Now im learning more and trying to fix myself. Been focusing on my core and it HURTS LIKE HELL.

Been a good 7 months now where I have broken away from mother. She has been livid and we have been fighting ever since with very little respite. It doesnt take me very long to become equally if not more abusive than her. I will curse at her and call her the worst things which interestingly make her happy (strange calmness and quiet) comes over her once I start with the swearing and yelling.

The vicious backhand was her specialty growing up and now I have PTSD I flinch when my girlfriend goes to touch her face! Ive been slapped in the face over 500 times in my life. She used to bite me, dig her nails in, backhand me, throw objects, hit with shoes, belts, etc. Sometimes I would hit her back and she would go into histrionic melt down. She has interfered in every relationship of mine every single one and has caused my girlfriends to fear her and fear the relationship. She is grossly enmeshed with me and wants me ALL to herself. I am 90% scapegoat 10% golden child every now and then my older brother will do something she doesnt like and I will get swung into G child territory. Been dating a gorgeous girl single mother good mother to her daughter and this has brought “shame”to my family and I’m practically disowned as of now (good riddance). I have always used anger as a defense mechanism when mother tells me I wont be wanted for my decisions I respond with “good because scum like you dont need to be in my life either.” Even typing this now i feel hurt, sadness fear and RAGE. The anger is exhausting and I need to stop it.

To this day I question myself and hear her voice in my head. Trusting my own gut instincts is soooo incredibly difficult but i’m getting better at listening to myself. My father was very successful as a business man and he is narcissist too his mother was vicious to him its what he knows. He is nice to us and doesnt lose his temper or control of emotions BUT his acceptance has been conditional (certain careers and must marry woman from greek background otherwise his friends will laugh at him LOL). Mother always used wealth to control us “if you continue dating this girl we cannot support you financially” which then turns into emotional everything. If they are not in control then we get cut off. My brother has fallen victim to this trap he STILL lives at home has less than $1,000.00 in bank at most times. Spends all he makes which both parents support as that allows them to control him as brother expects to inherit a few million worth in business and property.

Sites like this one and others are life saving. Thanks for the good work I’ll be following for more

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Roger January 21, 2013 at 11:50 am

Hi George,
It is so relieving to see another man who was a scapegoat and had to deal with some of the same things I did. You had written that your NM would become happy and calm when you would lash out at her, and that is because narcissists are always looking for your reaction. It is called narcissistic supply, and it is what they crave most. They don’t care if you are angry, happy, scared, etc. of them, as long as you are acknowledging them. I found the best way to help yourself and to not let your NM be in charge of your life is to ignore her, cut her off, and don’t let her see your emotions. When you get angry with her, it will only fuel the fire and she will use it against you any way she can. We have to stay strong and try not to let what has happened to us affect our lives now and in the future, especially since we realize there is no changing her.

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Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:18 pm

George – I am so touched by your story. I thought my brothers had it good, but they obviously suffered deep trauma too. My brother is a drug addict and I can totally understand why. She pushes his buttons to start a fight and then calls the rest of us to cry and say how horrible he treated her. She gets triple mileage from each incident! Please know you are a good person and don’t deserve any of what has been your life. I pray for all my brothers and sisters who have grown up and survived the hell of child abuse. Thank you for sharing, you certainly helped my understanding and lightened my load.

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Jocasta January 23, 2013 at 8:15 pm

This article pretty much covers all of my life. I got the whole box and dice ! Jealousy was her big suit though ! I am a woman into senior years now and NM recently died – having long done my grieving over not having a mother this was a non-event for me. I simply felt enormous relief over her inability to cause any more divide and conquer with my brothers who remain completely ignorant to the problem and joined in the scapegoating of myself.

Fortunately I had an innate desire to parent well long before I discovered NPD and that has gone pretty well. My one problem is that I am a creative person, always much to NM’s disdain as she was all business and though I did not totally become a copy of her which she tried to make me through silencing – ie ignoring me when I did not comply to become a clone, she won many a round and I worked in offices most of my life.

Yes, she won most of that battle, except my mothering role. However, now that my mothering years are over I want so much to go deeper into my creative life but keep running into fears and anxiety for doing so. Lately I put this at the door of the child inside being fearful of being ostracised and ignored so I am getting help for it.

I have found EMDR therapy, aka rapid eye movement therapy, used in post traumatic trauma cases as the most successful modality so far. I go back to when it happened through this therapy and clear the locked up fears. It goes on…..

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Calendula February 23, 2013 at 11:29 am

I am 56, and to my NPD smother mother, I am an inept 5-year-old who is not capable of accomplishing much in life. When I get a promotion, or have a solution to a problem, or simply an article of clothing I purchased for myself, mother is so pleasantly surprised. “You did a GREAT job with that!” She thinks she is encouraging, while I am insulted and seething that she would think so little of her grown daughter that she is shocked when I show that I am competent and capable! People do not understand the dynamic.

She kept me infantilized during my adolescence and early adulthood, but since I was 85% scapegoat, I gave up on trying to please her, and fought my battle for the next 20 or 30 years. And, yet I still am rageful.

Mom is/was extremely concerned with the image that one puts forth, and highly critical of me, friends, strangers. This year, I have heard, “Your legs aren’t slender cute, like they used to be.” (After I had gone to great length to purchase the perfect dress for the occasion.) “Your friend Mary always looks so disheveled. People will think she is homeless. *sigh* I suppose her mother didn’t know any better.” (Mind you, Mary and I are old enough to be grandmothers, ourselves.) Or, driving past a local bus stop, seeing some random man in rumpled clothing and in need of a shave, but otherwise common-looking, evokes the sarcastic: “Look at THAT guy…don’t you wish you were married to HIM?” All of these statements are designed to make me want to step up my hair, makeup, clothes, to an unattainable level of impeccable perfection, so that the world at large won’t think I’m dumb, sloppy, etc.

When I was 30-ish, and moving out from my first marriage into a small FURNISHED apartment, mother decided not only to choose and purchase more furniture for me, but called to me when to be home to receive the unwanted item’s delivery! I first told her, “No, I do not have enough space for more furniture. I cannot use it, thanks, anyway.” She responded, “But it was on sale. They are coming at 2pm.” I left another message telling her “Please cancel the delivery. I cannot be there at that time, and I do not want it, anyway.” The next message back to me was her shrieking, “WHERE ARE YOU? I TOLD YOU TO BE THERE AT TWO! THEY ARE CALLING ME! YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL AND I DON’T DESERVE IT!!” I never discovered the outcome of the delivery, (I purposely stayed away) and I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. Only people in this thread and situation will understand. Persons raised by “normal” mothers say “I wish my mom would buy me furniture” or “Are you nuts? You turned down free stuff?” or “Why in the world would you not appreciate the gift?” Answer: because in would have reinforced her seeing me as a 5-year-old. No thanks. Plus, I made it very clear that it was a bad idea, and that while I appreciated her efforts, I did not want, and could not utilize or house the item. She chose to bulldoze as a mechanism of control, and I would not have it. Yes indeed, getting away and distancing from this type of mother can be ugly, and people on the outside do not get it.

Or, when she treated me and my cousin to a theatrical performance last year. Just before the performers were to come out and take their bows, I wanted to get a jump on the traffic and whispered, “Thank you for this…I’m going to go now so that I’m not stuck on the highway. Bye!” And proceeded to escape. She proceeded to tell all of her friends and every family member that I had screamed at the top of my lungs, “I’m outta here!” (Again, an ungrateful, spoiled brat) This was a flagrant lie, and fortunately my cousin later laughed off the allegations on my behalf. Absolutely infuriating! And, as usual, people who hear the story do not believe the true facts!!

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Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:11 pm

OMG! That is my life! god bless you!

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Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 3:08 pm

As I said during the initial post, ONLY people who have grown up with a NM understand. It’s completely crazy-making to try to spill your heart to a friend or co-worker whose mother is supportive and helps her kids morph into self-sufficient adults. They are suspicious. Why don’t you “just” stand up to her? Simple, right? Why are you sounding so ungrateful of your loving, nurturing mothers’ selflessness? Why would you reject her “gifts?”

Out of context, our outraged reaction to our mothers intrusive, controlling, judgmental, demeaning, infantalizing behavior ends up sounding like the rant of a spoiled brat. We are adults, demanding to be seen and treated as such. But the uninitiated are skeptical.

Admittedly, it’s completely unfair that we should HAVE to fight and scream and play hard ball simply to get the respect that other comtemporaries are offered simply by turning 22 years old! It has been 25ish years of active battle, and I recently got, “Yes, you were SO oppositional!” Yeah, small wonder. I was lucky, though, that my father’s family was normal-ish, so I at least had a fightin’ chance with other role models.

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DXS March 15, 2013 at 6:25 pm

My mom fits the definition of narcissistic, but she is more “covert” than overt. My entire life, I always felt she was trying to “control” me, but I couldn’t point to anything concrete. She denies the “control” as cannot point to anything “concrete.” When I was a child, my mom would quote the “to thine own self be true” thing. But the “message” that I REALLY heard was: “Be true to yourself as long as it’s what Dad and Mom want you to be.” And I got the “When you grow up you can make your OWN choices” thing. But the “message behind the message” that I “heard” was: “As long as those choices are what your Dad and Mom would have done.”

As a child, I never really felt I had her “approval.” But then again, I was a bit of a precocious child growing up in a small small town. I didn’t ” fit” with society there. As a child, I announced that when I grew up I was going to move FAR AWAY. The response was, “No you won’t, no you won’t, you will change your mind and decide to live real close.” (Translation: “What all good daughters do…..”) When I grew up, I DID move 3,000 miles away and it was the best thing I ever did. That was when I finally found out who *I* was. And I realized what was really going on.

I had to “fake it” to get Mom’s approval. I transferred this to relationships. If I saw any bit of “disapproval” in a guy I was dating, instead of giving him the heave ho, I struggled to “Be what he wanted me to be.” Then, I would put on that “act” for 2.5 years, then break up because I wanted ME back. This became my pattern, and even in my 50′s (I never married, by choice) I find I cannot shake this.

As mentioned in one of your articles, I have some “complications” that prevent me from doing a “sever of ties.” And these “complications” have been used to attempt to manipulate me. I have found ways around them.

I’m working to try to improve my relationship with my Mom, but she doesn’t want to be held accountable. She wants me to “forget the past and move on.” I want her to “account for her actions.” I may not succeed.

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Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:08 pm

I “accidentally” discovered a book about Narcissistic mothers. I was always so confused, always knew something was amiss, always struggled for freedom, lov, and safety. I can’t sleep late, sit quietly and enjoy a movie, drive over a bridge, relate to people who love their mothers, the list goes on. I read the words on this blog and others and realize that I am not alone. Growing up, my brother hated me. I got married at 17 because I thought my narcissistic (and as it turned out, gay) husband loved me and would help me have a good life. I went from the frying pan into the fire! Twenty-five years later, divorced, my life in shambles and still she continues to suck me dry. I can never give enough money, gifts, physical labor, compliments, time, phone calls, the list goes on too. I walk a tight rope that extends over the pit of hell. One tiny mistake and I am burned alive. Only those who have been victim to her crazy making believe I am not the problem. She tells people how horrible I am while she manipulates me to get EVERYTHING she wants. If she doesn’t destroy my relationships herself, she gets me jumping through so many hoops and performing so many tricks on her stage that the man eventually can’t stand being part of a 3 ring circus anymore and runs to save his own sanity. She was so good at it and I was so deep in denial that I never even knew what was going on. I thought all mothers acted that way! She had me convinced that every man I ever talked to was using and manipulating me. That by them asking for normal, they wanted too much and I should listen to her to save myself. I am only good enough when I am an object she can brag on. I constantly have to be “on”, perfect, giving, and never, ever, ever complaining or tired or even relaxed. I have to have a career she can brag on, possessions she can flash to her friends, travel that makes us look glamorous, etc. The saddest part of all of this is that she is such a gifted liar and manipulator that no one believes me – I have been told to respect my mother, to stop being selfish, and even to stop lying about her because she is such a good person. I moved away in 1983 and am just starting to hear some of the stories she tells about me and how ungrateful and uncaring I am. Until now she hid what she had to say about me quite well, but because I have reconnected with friends from elementary school and defiantly started creating ties with my family, I am learning a lot. It is just sooooooooo frustrating.!!! And, it is heart breaking that I have never been able to have a real life because of her. I have probably lost the love of my life because of her interference. It stinks – I have been so CHEATED!

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Gina January 13, 2014 at 10:38 am

Boy I can understand what you are saying…. I too am dealing with this

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Kara May 16, 2014 at 1:18 pm

I have got to the stage where if my mother said she was embarrassed about me (as, laughably, she clearly is) I would say, “Good, I’m glad I embarrass you, what would I want to impress a little sh*t like you for, I’ve got bigger sh*ts to impress, you are only small fry my dear!”.
The best thing one can do is learn to laugh at the narcissist as they are so deprived, really. Without having anyone to boast/ complain about, they are nothing.

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Glenda March 28, 2013 at 2:47 am

Until today I always thought it was something about me that made my mother treat me the way she did. I stumbled across ‘maternal narcissist’ purely by accident, it was tagged at the end of a tv programme. When I researched it today I just could not believe that this is my mother exactly. I am the only daughter with five brothers, while my brothers played as children I was inside being taught to lay a 5-course dinner table, even though we never had dinner guests as my mother did not have friends. All my life my every action has been rated as worthy or not. Worthy of her and her acquaintances approval and/or admiration. I was made to play the piano so I could play at her meetings, she would then get praise for her daughter. those people didn’t know that at 9 yrs of age I had to walk 30 minutes to and from my music lesson on my own in the dark. I was sent to a posh boarding school, this also made her look good, I hated that school but my protestations fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t allowed to like anyone, not even my own father. I wasn’t allowed to be happy that my paternal grandmother was talking to me on the phone, jealous I guess. My brothers to this day have no idea and like others have mentioned, she has made me out to be a horrible person when I have resisted her control or retaliated to her nasty, cruel put-downs. She is the only woman I know who gets no joy from her children or grandchildren, she puts each of us down to each other then pretends she is the rescuer, when she is actually the instigator. My brothers have listened to her so I have no voice in my family. She has divided us all and I now have separated myself from them all as a result. I have grieved for the mothering I was entitled to as a right of birth, the mothering I never ever received. I always felt that my mother hated me from the day I was born, because I was a girl. When a group of men attempted to rape me when I was 13 yrs old she sent me to my grandparents out of town because it made her look bad. I could go on and on but I won’t, we all have similar stories, those of us with narcissistic mothers. My own children are loved and adored by their mother, I am so proud of them.

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Sue Davey March 29, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Thank you for this site which is enabling me to feel a little less isolated.
Yesterday I became 72 which is a long time to struggle with not knowing who you are and not knowing how it feels to have loving support in your life. My mother is 94 and still manipulating even though Golden Boy died unfortunately 9 years ago, but even his illness proved to be an inconvenience to her. I long to be free but realise that it will never be easy and the previous writer’s comments all make sense. My mother is incapable of giving
in any way shape or form, she seems emotionally bereft and the expression “the person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing” fits perfectly. She has betrayed me in so many ways throughout my life and I cannot trust her. These mothers are the cause of so much damage to their children’s psyche, I hope and pray that I shall be able to rectify this with my own daughter and my grandchildren.
A lifetime of trying to understand what was wrong with me has been a lifetime of wasted energy. I could have achieved anything with just a little support and interest instead of everything being about her.
I have found that the only way to survive is to concentrate on your own abilities . Nurture your creativity, get involved in something that you love doing with positive people who are kind and constructive. And above all,remember that narcissism is on the increase and be positive and encouraging to everyone you meet. That way we can all help each other. Love to all of you out there.

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Steffani April 27, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Hello, I am a 13 year old girl with an N mother.
At first I was hesitate to say that, but while reading stuff on this site last night, Mom got in one of her rages (there had been some water on the sink counter from when I had washed dishes earlier and she had leaned against it and got her pj top a little wet. She then started yelling at me, questioning why I always do this to her, why do I always try and ruin her life. It ended with me making her blueberry muffins as an apology while she lay on the couch watching TV)
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started questioning if our relationship was of a normal single mother and only child daughter. Needless to say, it is not normal to be told starting at age 4 about how you ruined her life and how she will sell you to the orphanage if you misbehave around anyone.
She has nearly pushed me to suicide by some of the stuff she has said. The only thing that stopped me was the fear of what she would do or say to others about me if I was gone.
She uses reverse psychology to make implant in my mind that it’s MY fault that Dad isn’t around anymore, it’s MY incompetence that Dad didn’t want me anymore (what really happened was that she threatened him to pay this large sum of money or to never see me again- age 5)
She always tells me everything that happened at work, who wasn’t there, who was just sitting around, while she had to do their job plus hers, and every cute guy she sees and how they must be single and how pleased they were when she handed them her number. But if I tell her about something that is happened that day that does not involve gossip, she will flat out tells me how she isn’t even going to listen so I shouldn’t even tell her about it.
Started in 5th grade she made me wear makeup, didn’t teach how to use makeup, just gave me some of her old makeup and told me to wear it every day to school. I had learned how to do makeup from YouTube, which is where I got into neutral tones with lots of browns. So that was what I wore every day, a little bit of brown eye-shadow, and it made Mom beyond pissed, because I wasn’t doing my makeup like her (sparkly green eye-shadow on the lips, purple eye-shadow for the brow-bone, caked on liquid foundation with no powder to make it not greasy and oily looking, blush as pink as pink can be, and hot, HOT pink lipstick) and because she is convinced that browns wash her out, therefore must wash me out. (it wasn’t until I was 8 that i was even allowed to wear brown, when my grandmother had bought me a brown shirt, and she couldn’t say in front of her mother’s face that it looked terrible on me, which it didn’t) Every morning for years she would tell me that I need to wear more makeup, that it’s pointless to wear any if people can’t tell that I am.
When she started losing weight (she’s 5’2″ and 160 pounds) every time I ate more than her, she would tell me how I’m going to be fat. I started thinking that I was really was fat, and started refusing to eat in front of others. Then, from all her sneaking food in the middle of the night and two lunches a day, she stopped losing weight and gained it all back. During this time, I had lost 5 pounds of baby fat, and I was nearly underweight at 95 pounds. Mad that I was nearly half her weight, she started complaining that I don’t eat enough, and started forcing me to eat twice as much as a normal person, yet still telling me that I was going to be fat when I was older (makes so much sense!)
She constantly still telling me things about how worthless i am, makes me fear her if I do anything wrong in her eyes, having to constantly keep secrets from her in fear of what she will do. My friends don’t even want to come over to my house, because she scares them. I have to tell her where I am at all times and if i’m gone for longer than a few hours, she starts complaining about how lonely she is and how she wants me home, only to ignore me when I am home. she tells me my dreams will never come true, that i’m going to be stuck under here, taking care of her for the rest of my life. She has even told me which house i am going to live in and what gender my children are going to be. She as stolen money from me (hundreds of dollars), gotten rid of things that I value, just because to her it was something that just took up space, and tries to make me just like her, only to get pissed when she notices that i am not like her. She is a true devil of a Ginger.
I’m sick of this and just want to be free from her rule, but because of laws, I’m stuck here, under her house, under her rule, unable to work, unable to save up money that she can’t get a hold of, unable to dream, and unable to to stop any of the abuse. And this is just a small amount of what she has done.

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Karen July 9, 2013 at 12:58 pm

I finally moved out of my parents house when I was 27. Nearly 3 years later, I was engaged to marry. My mother wanted to control my wedding. She said if I married in the Catholic Church, then she would pay for the wedding. My soon to be husband was not Catholic and I no longer attended mass. In order to get married in the Catholic Church, my husband would have to convert to Catholism. I knew he would not and so I turned down my mother’s “offer”.
She became enraged, made a lot of snide remarks and angrily said she would not attend our wedding! She wanted me to speak with her priest. I saw no need to. More venom spewed from my mother’s mouth. Four months later, we were married in a friend’s back yard. My mother grudgingly attended, but wore sun glasses the whole time. I ignored her and had a glorious day. When I look back on it, I denied her the ATTENTION she wanted. She was the mother of the bride, but she was given no honor. She refused to sit next to my mother in law because as my mother said “she’s divorced”, so my bother sat between them. My mother had divorced friends, but all of a sudden the marital status of my mother in law was the issue. I heard from my youngest brother, that on the way home from the wedding, my father told my mother that her behavior at the wedding was embarrassing. She then threw a temper tantrum and wouldn’t speak to him for a week! My mother always has to be the center of attention. When my brother died 7 years ago, my mother was quite animated and excited about planning the goings on at the funeral and dinner after wards.
My brother’s memory should have been the focus. My mother made it all about her and she played the role of the grieving mother….all for the attention. You can’t get any more twisted than that!

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Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 4:45 pm

Yup, I get it. My first wedding was HERS. ..everything literally from my underwear to the food choices. The logic was that SHE was paying for it. She was uptight that day, and called me the next day to complain about wedding guests behaviors. (Ie: “your husband’s friend doesn’t have any manners, the champagne was not to be poured at the table.” Or “Susie is dumb. She couldn’t figure out how to use the elevator”) She picked apart every misstep of the day, implying poor breeding, drunkeness, bad fashion sense or plain bad manners displayed by my friends, his friends, and/or his family.

Years later, at my second wedding, I chose everything, the venue, the seating, my own dress, my hair, my flowers, the menu, his suit & tie, etc. She would ask during the planning, “How are you wearing your hair?” I would describe and draw the hairstyle I had in mind, and in her typical manipulative way, she would respond, “Ew! That’s going to be UGLY! You should let ME choose your hairstylist.” It’s insulting enough that she let it be known that she didn’t approve or my taste, or that I could have enough common sense to an choose appropriate ‘do, but to imply that I was dumb as a post, and therefore needed her input at age 37 to choose a proper cosmetologist?? My response was “Well, guess what? You’ll have to be seen with me and have photos taken that day, with my ‘ugly’ hair do! ” Then, after the event, she went on an on about how beautiful everything was, especially to her friends. She was surprised that her friends shrugged and nodded, as if to say “Yeah, so?” When she was campaigning for them to be astounded that I was capable of choosing hair, dress, venue etc. that was pretty and wedding-y without her butting in and taking over.

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Karen July 9, 2013 at 1:09 pm

I forgot to say that my mother tried to make me a duplicate of herself, just as you wrote.
All my life, she’s made snide remarks about how she doesn’t know how the two of can be related, because I’m not like her. Thank God for that! Why would I want to be like that witch?! There were many times when I felt like I was competing against her. She played the piano, so I was made to take piano lessons. But of course she was always the better player.
She sewed, so I took sewing lessons. She was better at that too. She played tennis and she started taking me to the tennis courts. She didn’t like it when I became better than her!
She made snide remarks when I had no interest in the things she was interested in. She wanted a clone of herself! Like the world needs another!

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cheshire monique September 14, 2013 at 9:00 am

I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother in a triangulation with my brother, the golden child, me being the scapegoat child….My mother will be 93 years old in December an me, I have just reach 65 what is a miracle….As because the suffering I have been put trough I could have been dead in many different ways…Even if I can say without modesty I was very bright, educated (despite my mother), worked with psychologists and psychiatrists, it is only quite recently that I have understood the reasons of my extreme sufferings, tortures, etc…By the way I am a French citizen living in England to escape my mother,….I wrote a book on my life up to my 14 years of age,…A new one is on his way…my life because my horrendous narcissistic mother has been a novel despite me,,,Humour had a big part in my salvation and I thought it is a book to be made in reporting the most unbelievable anecdotes born of the perversity of the narcissistic mother…Maybe you should tell us…

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cheshire monique September 14, 2013 at 9:37 am

To make a start on my own idea… I am then about 13 years old…My mother hates to give me anything to wear remotely decent, new, attractive, at my size…Anything nice would be like giving “jam to a pig”…..I wear things given away by her colleagues or coming from charity that do not fit me in size, in age and in style and shape….I have to wear them until they fall in pieces around me…Having realized my disdain for my father who beats me up (mainly on her orders) and my despising of his unacceptable bodily reactions, she had the idea to have clothes made in my father old trousers…The dressmaker she choose for the job is old, wrinkly, cheap and severe, in fact she is an excellent pro with a golden heart that manage to make nice clothes out of nothing but my mother does not know it…She, the lady dressmaker, then makes me a sexy grey skirt out of my father old trousers…Far too sexy…Seems to be !…One morning when I was just trying to get ready for school I cannot find this grey skirt,..and I have nearly nothing decent to wear especially in a religious school…I look everywhere and I cannot find it…In despair I leave with a rolled in bowl skirt I found in my mother cupboard….And my My mother has not seen it and is reproaching me my usual untidiness But at the week-end, during a meal, she (my mother) asks me to pass her the bread..The bread is nowhere to be found and not at its usual place…I have to decline to provide the demanded good but my mother précised ….”The bread is in a bread bag behind the door”….That is new and I move the door and effectively it is a bread bag…made in my grey skirt….”

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Susan September 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

What about narcissistic daughters who project their narcissism onto their mothers?

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Gina January 13, 2014 at 10:31 am

I am an older adult child of a Narcissistic Mother. I never realized until I googled what Is Wrong with me…. I have thought all these years it was me…. My mother has always been a self centered, pity me, tuck me under your wing and pay for my entire life, guilt flinging woman…she manipulates everyone and especially me ( I am the youngest of 4 ). I have paid for every thing she just ” can’t live without” and if I don’t the rath will hit….You don’t love me, you want me to go live in Texas with your brother and you won’t see me again….One day you won’t have me and then what ?
I have listened to this all my life there is just so much it’s unreal….
The other day is when things really blew up. I called after work to see how things were going and right out of the gate ” I need a new 46″ TV, I can’t see the small print on this one, when can you get me that ? ” Me, Mom I am not buying a new TV, I am still paying for x-mas. I can’t keep paying for everything, I have 3 kids and 4 grandkids. I said I am always paying for everything for you… she said ” Oh is that a problem “…..and it went on for a few more minutes until I said I could work 24/7 and give you my paychecks and it would never be enough. Later she called back and left a message ” Come get the Bed, Chair, Table, etc…. I don’t want you to buy me 1 more thing ever the rest of my life….I have stood tall and have not contacted her… I am venting on here because it sounds like I am not the only one who gets treated like this and it helps to vent….Thanks for letting me….. : – )

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Mimi June 9, 2014 at 12:14 am

Please explain to me why my mom’s entire family, and my two brothers, cannot see that her behaviour is seriously abnormal, that she says outrageous things and spreads malicious lies all the time. Why do they believe all the horrendous lies about me, and other delusions, when there is no proof whatsoever?

Now she is 80, and because I have refused to visit her for the past 15 years because I couldn’t take the slander, delusions etc any more, she is now twisting the whole thing around and spreading the story that I am neglecting her. I just can’t win. Now and then some relative contacts me to ask “what is wrong between you and your mother. You should go see her as she is getting older now.” I know she is canvassing sympathy from her family, naming me by name. So, I make a point of depositing money into her account regularly, which I cannot afford, but at least I can prove that I am not neglecting her.

Why can’t they see through her??? Seriously abnormal behaviour is seriously abnormal! Is the whole family sick? I have tried to explain how she treats me, but it is futile. They don’t even listen.

Once in a blue moon, I text or phone her, but every time I can see that she has not changed one little bit. I know I will never be free of the slander, until her life is over. She even contacted my boss at two different companies (that I know about) to tell them that I had “beaten her up”, which is completely untrue.

I wish I could move to the other side of the planet and change my name, so she could never track me down.

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Lydia July 1, 2014 at 1:32 pm

This site is a rare opportunity for a daughter of a narcissistic; Here, I can be heard and valued. Reading through every ones’ stories has given me a sense of freedom. It’s not me! It’s not all my fault! I am the right person. My narcissistic mother had me fooled all these years that somehow I was the problem. My mother is a master manipulator and liar. She is all cloak and dagger, knowing how her words will affect me while being seemingly kind to those in earshot. She is so passive aggressive with her comments that I question whether it’s her or me. One of her favorite comments it that I’m an incapable female. I wonder if she is right since I’m a housewife. After I sent her flowers two birthdays in a row, she said, “There just like the ones last year.” Maybe she was right. Maybe I should have been more creative. During one of her visits I purchased new pillows for her. Upon her departure, she gave me one of her ancient stained pillows from her camper and said, “Take this pillow, yours are too soft and flat.” It’s been this way for 45 years. She ignores me until she has something demeaning to say, whichever hurts more. I haven’t spoken to her for several years but I’m having a tough time breaking the psychological ties and letting go of the mother-daughter fairytale. It is worse having a narcissistic mother than not having a mother, or is it? Is it better to be maltreated so that I can keep my hope of having a good mom alive? Am I ready to be motherless?

It has helped me a great deal knowing my mother would be narcissistic whether I was born or not. Her behavior is nothing personal, its just who she is. It all boils down too the fact, I was just born to a bad person. Who she is has nothing to do with me. It’s all about her.

My dance card is full. I refuse to go one more round with her. I always lose anyway so I will bow out as gracefully as possible. I will accept who she is and say walk away.

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Ann July 1, 2014 at 10:04 pm

I twirled around and around, my arms flew freely and a smile stretched across my face. Way too soon, dizziness and gravity became my enemy. I fell to the floor expelling giggles and laughter. Then I heard my father sing, “Wee wee wee all the way home.” I staggered to his side, still drunk with dizziness, and kissed his wee wee. I then stood at attention as he rubbed his hand up and down my little body. After I was released from my soldiers pose, my mother walked into the room and asked my father, “Do you want some eggs?”

This is a horrific memory about my father’s behavior but I ask you to focus instead on my narcissistic mother’s. She was so emotionally disconnected from my needs and concerned with her own contentedness that she chose to enable my father instead of standing up for my rights. She chose the path that was the most beneficial to herself at the cost of her four year old daughter’s innocence.

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Angie July 9, 2014 at 9:42 am

Sounds like my mother and my enabling father. I am in the process of distancing myself from my mother and the rest of her recruits (family) by moving out of state….3 months and counting.

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Evelyn August 6, 2014 at 7:46 am

I have to admit that I feel lucky reading all these cases. Yes, I have horrible stories about my life with my mentally disable narcissistic mother just like everyone else here. But I was the only child of a single mother. I always wished I had a father and/or siblings so I would maybe have a better life and I would not feel so lonely in this sad life of mine.
I am so glad now knowing that life would actually be way worst having them!!!! Thanks to this site for this knowledge <3
I would just make a list of few things:
- she met, when I was still a toddler, a rich married man who she still tell everyone that he is my biological father. He always been a sweet heart for me, thanks to him I had a good example in my life so I could the successful daughter of NM type as I read in the book "will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride (an excelent book about daughter of narcissistic mother). He never lived with us but always gave a lot of money to my mother.
- my mother never worked because of this money so she would always have someone taking care of me. It was a good deal for her so she could have her love affairs with many different individuals and/or spending the day at the hair salon. The only problem, more then not spending time with me, I was been beating up by all these different women and of course by her when she was taking care of me.
- she tried and still try to make me a little her… It never worked and I was mentally and physically abused because of it. I moved out of the country (Brazil) when I was 27 years old. The physical abuse stoped but the psychological abuse got worst until about 3 years ago when I finally got a therapist that told me that my mother is a narcissist.
-since then I have been treated for co-dependence book "The Diseases to please"
Bad thoughts "the imp of the mind"
Histrionic Personality with the book with the same name… these symptoms are more persistents but I am better than before reading the book.
The journey has been painful but it has been paying off. I am in process of keeping as little as possible contact with her, which is hard for her, but life is sooooo much better.
Everyone here should know that there is cure for your soul. You have to first keep her away from you; find out all the damage taking care of them like I listed above and life will shine. I finally got to the point where I was healthy enough to meet a mentally e emotional healthy man to call husband and I am pregnant of my second child.
I also advise to read books to help you to be a good mother because WE DO NOT HAVE references to do it right. I highly advise "Unconditional Parenting" by "Alfie Kohn.
"It's OK NOT to Share…" By Heather Shumaker

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