Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

by Michelle Piper

The road is long and winding for the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Many twists and turns along the way, with no light guiding her. She may feel lost, not knowing which direction she should turn due to lack of guidance and without the proper care and nurturing for her to be able to find her way. Yes, it is true, being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, the route on the road to recovery is not an easy one. But, once you find your way, there is light at the end of the narcissistic tunnel.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother has been psychologically abandoned and abused since very early on in life. Whether she was the golden child or the scapegoat (most likely the scapegoat), she was not given the tools to become an authentic individual. She was made to be an extension of her narcissistic mother and play by the rules her mother has created. She was made to be a carbon copy of her narcissistic mother.

When a narcissistic mother wants the daughter to be a copy of herself, she wishes to use the child as a source of narcissistic supply. Perhaps there’s something she feels she wasn’t able to do in her youth that she expects you to do in yours, or maybe you’re blamed for stealing her life when you were born. Whatever the reason, she feels you “owe her” to be an extension of herself.

Children are naturally and innately dependent on their primary caregiver from birth and the narcissistic mother intends to keep the child dependent on her for as long as she possibly can in order to enjoy a sense of control throughout the child’s entire lifetime. Often, inheritance and financial favors are used by narcissistic parents to manipulate their children throughout their lifespan. The narcissistic mother expects her child to put her needs first, no matter how she treats you, your children or your significant other.

A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.

Having children is seen by narcissistic mothers as the perfect answer to the desire to have a captive narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, the narcissistic mother often gets overwhelmed by the natural demands of a child. Parenthood intensifies the NM’s abusive behavior and the child may then be blamed for the narcissistic mother’s inadequacies or failures. Sadly, many DONM’s are further betrayed by a father that enables the narcissistic mother’s abuse.

She yells at you? It’s your fault.
She hit you? You stressed her out.
She ignored you? You didn’t approach her in the right way.

But, you were an innocent child, not a “mini-me” of the narcissistic mother. A child is born perfectly imperfect, with the need to be protected, accepted, sheltered and nurtured. Answering these normal biological needs are seen by narcissistic parents as favors, not a precious duty, if given at all.

Narcissistic mothers want their child to do what they want, how they want it and when they want it. Many readers of this blog have experienced an “engulfment-abandonment cycle” where the mother engulfs, through boundary-less or abusive behavior, then abandons them when confronted or when something is more interesting to the parent than the child.

As these daughters grow up and become independent beings away from their mothers in order to one day make a life for themselves, select their own choices, and be functioning people in society, the narcissistic parent struggles to retain control. She will continue to force her child into whatever role provides her the most narcissistic supply, such as the blamed scapegoat, the forgotten lost, the falsely empowered golden, or the enmeshed and parentified child.

Because of being the same gender, daughters of narcissistic mothers are especially vulnerable to being seen by mom as a copy of herself. The narcissistic mother can therefore believe she may do as she pleases, physically and emotionally, when it comes to her daughter. She may expect her child to pursue the life partner she chooses. In this case, she wants the daughter’s significant other to be the most prestigious reflection of her genetic material’s potential.

A narcissistic mother will attempt to destroy her daughter’s romantic relationships so she can keep her child around for longer or if she doesn’t see the mate as being a fit counterpart. She will flirt with her daughter’s significant other, spread lies, and manipulate in order to keep her daughter all to herself and retain the narcissistic supply.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are shocked and saddened to catch their mothers lying directly to her own children or spouse. Narcissistic moms try to cause break ups, doing whatever she can to get her daughter back to only having one person in her life: her narcissistic mother.

Sons of narcissistic mothers aren’t immune to being objectified in similar ways by their narcissistic mother, but they may experience less blatant “copy of herself” behavior, like that of buying similar clothes, for instance. Often the narcissistic mom will see your partner alternately as competition or an ally to be manipulated against you. Your well meaning spouse may not understand they’ve a narcissistic mother-in-law and fall prey to her plea for help when you’ve set a boundary and your narcissistic parent is trying to get around it.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can become enraged as mom refuses to see them as their own person and are therefore not treated as such. Conversely, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may not realize this is happening and thus continue to become completely enmeshed with the narcissistic parent.

There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.

Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.

Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.

Both of these tactics, along with numerous other ploys, are how narcissistic mothers try to make their daughter into a clone, a copy of themselves for their own twisted satisfaction. If a daughter of a narcissistic mother tries to gain any sort of independence, it is met with rage and tactics meant to keep the child in her control, terrified of what the narcissistic mother might do if boundaries are enforced or even requested.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers keenly feel the trouble mom has in setting boundaries between the two of them. This can result in the child having psychological symptoms like “dissociating” in order to have a mental if not physical break from the narcissistic abuse.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can also convey their distress through physical symptoms, especially at a preverbal age. Unexplained physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, and muscle twitches or spasms are common non-verbal expressions of anxiety.

Narcissistic enmeshment continues into the adulthood of the daughter. The narcissistic mother will try to intrude on personal relationships, marriage, and child rearing of her child’s kids. As a narcissistic mother-in-law, she will tell her child that his or her partner’s healthy desires for privacy or boundaries are abnormal or manipulative.

Even in death, the narcissistic parent can try to control their daughters, daughter’s children and spouses from the grave by using the assets of their will and their distribution as yet another way to pit the siblings against one another. Pitting people against one another in this way is a toxic narcissistic behavior called splitting.

Sons of narcissistic mothers often are badgered by mom’s incessant desire to control their interactions with their own partners and can feel put in the middle between a mom “who means well” but is intrusive. The narcissistic mother “means well” only for herself. In the case of a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law this is, again, her inability to see her child as separate from herself. She tries to possess the child instead of support the child’s independence with love.

With an engulfing narcissistic mother, it can be very hard to get rid of her. It is important not to buy into her lies, intimidations, and manipulations. Don’t give in to her gaslighting or when she tries to tell you that you won’t be anything without her. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by your narcissistic parent, your time is too precious.

Gain your own financial, physical, and emotional independence from her and do your best to enforce low contact or no contact (although, no contact is extremely difficult with these kinds of narcissistic mothers.) Involve the authorities if you need to or feel you’re in any danger. Protect yourself first. Set firm limits and be strong when enforcing them.

Our community is full of those who work hard to leave the old narcissistic family system. The battles a daughter of a narcissistic mother (DoNM), must fight in order to gain this hard won independence often costs time and tears. Both sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve well earned peace and freedom.

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{ 129 comments… read them below or add one }

Meghann April 15, 2015 at 7:41 pm

You know, it sounds terrible, but I always thought the only way I would get away from my mother was when she died. I just hoped it wasn’t me first from stress, ultimately getting denied those few anxiety and guilt-free years. It sounds terrible but I found myself wishing she would, looking forward to the day she did so I would be released. That’s an awful thing to say and that really isn’t the person I am or want to be but yet it is really honest and self-affirming because at least it shows I believe on some level I deserve a life without this torment and abuse.

The scary thing is that realising that both my dad and sister have the same traits means that I never will be free of it while I am part of this family. It makes it a rolling grief and resentment, with no light at the end of the tunnel. No escape, no reprieve, no safe space to run to, no compassionate ear to understand, no affirmation of shared experiences. Thank goodness for your site and the joys of physical distance.


Anonymous April 16, 2015 at 7:26 pm

I cant even begin ti tell u the pain and its happening right now….agagain. Im 48 yrs old!! I thought it was me until just,a,few,yrs,ago. She use to tell me that i have always been awful,ever since i was an infant and i “swallowed my own tongue” and had to,stay in the,hospital,for,a week. I believed this!!! U,cant swallow your own tongue! She got pregnant with me to make my father,sTay. He left. He was smart he knew she wasnt right. He eventually moved to australia!! All my life,i,was the,garbage can. I was beautiful, talented and funny. But my mother treated me like dirt. Still,does and now,she is pitting my children against me. My,sister and i have no relTionship because of her,sickness. Everyone thinks she,is just great, and she,works extra hard,for,the,people who,are close to me. I HAVE to disconnect from her because my soul,can,no longer bare her,cruelty but my kids LOVE her and thinks she,is so wonderful. I will be,left,with,nothing she will never stop! Ive lost,every family member, aunts cousins etc because,she manipulates all,of them. Im terrified she will take my kids emotionally away from me. She,has this,power ive,seen,it all my,life. WHt do,i,do?


Meghann April 21, 2015 at 11:11 pm

I totally relate. It sounds like you need to separate from her. There are good articles here on no contact – I’m getting pointers myself (: Wishing you peace and strength.


Kylie October 18, 2015 at 7:21 pm

No contact with my mum works best for me.


JM April 20, 2015 at 1:41 am

Hi Meghann. I know how you feel. I’ve had those same thoughts. It’s not that I have a deadwish for her, I just have a deadwish for her behavior and for how she makes me feel. I’m sick of it. You’re not a bad person for having thoughts like these. I think you’re a good person for believing you deserve a better life. I’m in the process of cutting her loose and stop all contact, but I find that to be very difficult. Especially in these times with social media. She’s “infiltrated” my network on Facebook and it is driving me nuts! I have a father who I believe is also a narc, or at least shows all of the traits. He has never told me he loves me, he never reaches out to me, never helps me, never asks how I’m doing, I’m never good enough, it’s always about him and his awesome skills and bla bla bla… They’ve been divorced since I was very young and it has been war ever since. And – of course – I was their weapon of choice. They used me against each other. But, they did that all for me and my best interest. Can you believe that? Since I stopped talking to my mother, she has been very active on Facebook. I saw that she’s now “friends” with my dad AND his entire family (people she hasn’t spoken with for over 20 years). She posts and comments the nicest things in the world. All to show the world how nice she is and what a wonderful mother she is. It makes me sick, truly sick. It triggers rage in me. It’s like I’m the only person who sees her true intentions. And although I know she is sick, sometimes I feel like I’m the one being crazy. Alos, I can’t break ties with my father. He remarried and together with my stephmother has children. I really love my (half)-siblings and wouldn’t want to miss them. I don’t really know what my purpose in writing all this is. This is also the first time I’ve ever talked about it. I think I just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation and you’re not a bad person for having those thoughts.


Meghann April 21, 2015 at 11:07 pm

Thank you JM. That means the world. Thanks for your honesty and for reaching out. (: I can’t tell you how much it means to not be alone! I hear you too and I understand your experiences so well. My parents also divorced which was similarly fodder for the drama queen for decades. I was used to personify everything she hated about him and his family and as an example of how much better the new children to my stepfather were, just to rub it in to him.

My dad sounds the same as yours – everything about him and on his terms. I count how often he has missed the big events in my life or hasn’t been there when I needed him. He throws a few bones occasionally but it doesn’t make up for the lack of contact or care.

My mum stalks me on FB too. Rarely writes unless it’s over-the-top sweet and kind too. It makes me sick. For so long I scrabbled for whatever tiny attention I could get but now I just am disgusted and angry. I know it’s hard for other people to see it – I have been blessed with a partner who sees it too and is always disgusted and appalled. After so many years the mask started to fall, so I have someone else who tells me I’m not crazy.

The sweet comments on FB or in cards actually hurt because so often growing up she told me the opposite, like how much she hates me but has to try and love me because I’m hers. I tell you, nothing steals your self-confidence more than feeling you’re so unlovable that not even either of your parents can love you, although they can love your siblings as easily as breathing. The only reason I wasn’t a suicide victim was my grandmother, beautiful friends and partners. And now, my darling children. But I feel guilty for pulling them into this pit of crazy and not being able to give them kind in-laws, grandparents, aunts etc.

You know, I understand second guessing yourself when everyone around you sees differently. I have childhood friends who I suspect don’t believe me. It’s such a manipulative form of abuse, so much grooming, isolating, secrecy and masks. But I’m sure here you have a community that truly gets it and believes you! I have found so much validation here, finding an overarching explanation for everything at long last! I wish you peace on your journey x


mf July 3, 2015 at 9:30 am

I also had this time, when constantly being abused by my mother I told her many times – I wish you were dead, still I do not know if I am sorry or not. My grandma (my mum’s mother) died last year. I was crying a lot, but she also was this king of not letting me live person, so it was like “now times will be better, maybe….
Now I am living with a narcisstic partner – I am also not feeling nice with it – but if I am to choose – my mother or my psycho partner – I consciously choose the man. I literally have no guts to start on my own.

As I gained my legal ID when 18 – I just started to travel around everywhere just not to be at home with her and not to listen to all this BS. Im 33 now – I wish I could establish some stability in my life, but it seems impossible – as if I am to travel all my life to search for my sancturary until the last days. Every place Im i feel like temporary, like there is no place for me. I do not wish to have children, not any family – just to be able to live independently.

The “vagabund way” became my natural state of being. I like comfort and nice stuff, but in order not to be bothered I rather go live in the tent somwhere in the forest.

I wish I can be happy one day. I wish all readers of this site are happy one day:)



Jade July 15, 2015 at 6:24 am

Meghann, I’m totally in the same boat! It going to be 2 months since I came to this realization about all of this narcissistic hell I’ve been living in. I’m 36 and living at home again, due to my N mother having breast cancer last year (she’s fine now). But that was the perfect opportunity to get me back onto the prison so called “home.” Now that I’m aware of what’s really going on, I feel so soooooooo cheated out of my life. I’ve been in crapy relationship after relationship, crapy friendship after friendship, and now when I really could use a loving mother, it turns out she’s at the root of all my issues. We truly are all alone in this world. My father is enabling and my sister is turning into a replicate of my mother. My sister is the conformer and the close relationship we used to have when she was younger has completely eroded to near extinction. I’m twice her age and she treats me like the child. She sympathizes for me since she views me as her pathetic, older sister that can’t do anything right. I can feel every word that you wrote. There may be no reprieve, but there are compassionate ears to understand and definitely affirmations of shared experiences, even though it is often times pretty lonely sitting there wherever you are. I’m hoping things get better, but for now I just try to tell myself that I deserve to live my life the way I want to live it. Figuring out what way that is is what keeps me still here now.


Anonymous April 16, 2015 at 7:33 pm

When i was little she,remarried quite fast after the,divorce my steo father,would strip me naked and whip me from my bare back to below my knees. He would come into my an inch of my face,s creaming in the middle of the,nite because the,garbage can wasnt brought in or his favorite pen was missing. He use to take our,cat,and shoot it down the bannister of tthe stIrs he terrified me all my childhood! Later when i was 40 and had 4 kids of my,own i confronted her,about this and she,said oh that was the 70’s i just wLked away and a few yrs later i confronted her,again and she,threw out everything that was me and mine out of her house. She is a monster and my kids love her and i dont know how to get away.


HeartPain April 23, 2015 at 10:30 am

I am so saddend deep in my heart to what I am hearing reading through these! I a only now in my 30’s finding out about this and wondering what the hell is wrong with me? As I have been feeling like a sicky feeling in my stomach all my life! This is me!!! This is it all the above I’m reading is just my life and I can not believe others have been going through the same thing. It’s terrible. I am so sorry for all of you and just want to say to remain strong and get on with your life’s ! Good advice and easier said than done I know! As I can’t seem to do it myself 100% there’s always that feeling right there of being scared like a little girl who will at some point get a slap (beating)! For something I never even new why half the time! I’m so sorry going on and on I’m still in shock that Iv come across this sight/chat/talk. Never dreamed there was such a thing. Just thought it was just me being crazy!!! As my parents always have said.


jenna May 16, 2015 at 1:49 pm

You’re not crazy at all. Like the canary in the coal mine you exhibit a response to their sick environment. The sheer number of us who come out of the woodwork is a sad testament to how big the problem of narcissistic parenting is. And the inevitable pain it causes is tragic. Multiply this all out and it warrants attention. Like you mentioned about slapping, that was the main way my shaming and abuse was delivered so I have a real fear as I’m preparing for cutting off my mother altogether. Not so much about getting slapped per se but the fact that she has a known record of being violent toward men and women as well as her children, even in public. Still, getting a key to the eye is worth knowing I may have a shot at peace from feeling controlled and bullied, i.e. ignoring me and referring to me in the third person in my own home. This is what abusers eventually get as the backside of victimizing people. I am now highly sensitized to anyone’s subtle control tactics and don’t negotiate, I eliminate. Totally passive aggressive I admit but I’ll get it done. Remember justice will never be truly served these people but this is something for that little girl. By taking away access to me and my children I ply the ultimate might AND right. After 45 years of exposure, she is plain as day exposed to me and appears as the Homunculus, hideous and deformed. I’m going to get out of her way now with the hope she finally gets the help she needs.


Anonymous May 25, 2015 at 8:21 am

While you are still in your thirties, do not waste another year self-coping as I have for forty-five. Reading these testaments has blown me away in the fact of how treacherous the abuse of narcissistic mother’s truly is. Confusion over WHY is probably the worst feeling I’ve had most of my life. The fact is though, they don’t care what they are doing to an entire family afflicted with all the ugly dynamics in which they are completely responsible for yet, own up to none. In my case, it’s come from both my mother AND step-mom. I feel so sorry for my father in the way that he was married to both of them and quite sure they put him to an early grave. It has also trickled down to my hateful sister-in-law and sisters, brothers, even nieces and nephews that these two monsters that were supposed to love and protect me have created. Yes, I have lost almost all of my family except for a few nieces that live far away from them. It is unclear that I ever really had them in the first place. They pitted all of my siblings against me and each other. The manipulative ways of both of these women caused so much damage on a weekly basis. Consequently, I have been bullied all of my life by them in one fashion or another. Nothing has ever been good enough for them that me and my husband have done for them. This includes a lot of parties, gifts, money, a place to live while down and out. All the things you do to show family that you love them. Even personal achievements educational wise are not acknowledged. It’s as if I don’t It is extremely painful to know that this was all done on purpose because they just had to flex their muscle of being in control of everything. The many years of silence and trying to keep the peace ( even though what had been done to me since an infant that are too horrible to go into ) caught up to me one day while going through a divorce no less, and forced me to stand up for myself. Well guess what? It got worse. The rejection has become official the last ten or so years. This site is helping me to understand that I am not alone. There is help. From this moment on, I will strive to heal. Hopefully your journey to wellness of this debilitating abuse will begin as well. Best wishes HeartPain and everyone else on this post.


Cindy June 12, 2015 at 12:56 pm

I have to financially depend on a narcissistic mother, whose other & younger daughter is just like her. Her husband divorced her & I disowned her, but my mother still thinks or doesn’t understand why I won’t see her. Because I never was comfortable wearing bras, I use tape which is far more comfortable & wear shirts that you can’t really tell, but because of this she presses her finger nails into the sides of my breasts with a sadistic smile (I slouch at home but walk & stand tall when I’m at work or anywhere else, nor am I ashamed of myself). In fact, when I finally did get a job after looking for three years, my breasts were the first thing on her mind-telling me “you have to do something since you don’t wear bras”. I have had my 2nd round of depression because of her. I don’t want to use my real 1st name on this site-so please understand that I have to protect myself, as well as protect myself first & foremost while owning my body as belonging to me & not an extension to something she owns & controls?


2468OCEM June 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

My mother had always picked out my clothes, even as a teenager, i wasn’t allowed to make decisions for myself, if she was buying the clothes, it had to be what she liked or i wasn’t allowed to get it. Even now as a midlife adult i have trouble making decisions about things afraid i’ll be wrong.
I decided to stop dying my hair years ago and my mom tells me how she hates my hair. My sister is the golden child and i’m the scapegoat/hero child. I have decided to NOT be the scapegoat or hero child anymore, keeping all conversations very general, as in lovely weather, did you go for a walk today? Anything of a serious nature i tell her to talk to my sister (she has POA) My mom took that away from me and gave it to my sister. My mom lies to me, keeps secrets from me, twists things, tells one of my children not nice things about me and then tells him not to tell me. Well he told me of course, i’m his mom, so i confronted her about it. Her comment was, i’m very disappointed in him for telling you!! Some days i never want to speak to her ever again. My mom has also played my sister and i against each other from a young age, so needless to say i have no relationship with her. When the three of us use to go out together when we were teenagers, my mom would walk with my sister who was tall and slim ( i was shorter and chubby) and would not talk nicely about me. After my father died my mom had my husband and i doing all kinds of errands for her, driving her places, cutting her grass etc.. while my sister and her husband did nothing, when i asked her to ask my sister to help out, her response was, it’s NOT her job, it’s yours. I ‘ve decided i’m not helping her with anymore jobs ever, she’s a liar,a sneak, two faced and shows me very little respect. So now that my sister is POA i’m making sure she does everything, it’s her job!! I hope the golden child like being the hero too,because that’s going to be her new role!! Thanks for letting me vent.


mf July 3, 2015 at 10:40 am

oh girl – I pity you a lot! I wish I could tell you something what could make you heart goes higher!!! From what you describe you are dealing with pure psychopatic people!!!
Browse the internet, get some job somwhere far from those psychos! Change the phone number, grab your children, your only most important stuff, do not tell anyone and just get the hell out of there!!!!! Do not be pity, do not feel guilty. I know it is easy to write for me here… wish you luck above all!!!!!!!!!!!


AD September 28, 2015 at 3:29 pm

I’ve never been married or had a real boyfriend, so I’m the last person to give a married woman sound advice. All I can do is make an observation and pray for your peace of mind and true happiness. I wish I had the option of distancing myself from my dysfunctional mother. Her verbal abuse, mental abuse, and social isolation has taken a significant toll on my well being. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, you don’t deserve to be mistreated by your relative, especially by a parent. Witnessing my grandmother’s abuse towards her children (her 3 daughters/ son – the golden child) and enduring her mistreat left a powerful impression on me. Because of her unjustified vindictive behavior, I avoid visiting her for days, weeks, even a month at a time. Sometimes I wish she was a better person, so we could have a healthy and genuine bond. Her natural desire for chaos makes it virtually impossible for us to have a meaningful grandmother and granddaughter relationship. Speaking as a grandchild and child of many forms of abuse, some not mentioned, please protect your children from your toxic parent. If you have to move 2 hours away from the drama, do so, you deserve to be happy. I wish my mother had the ability to be aware of the danger around her, unfortunately she embraced it and it destroyed her. On some level it has slowly destroyed me too. I’m almost 32, and I’m still stuck dealing with her selfish and crazy ways. I’ll be 32 in a few weeks, not looking forward to it. Recently I’ve come to understand why I dislike my birthday. My mother exploits it for attention, it’s never about me. I’ve never had a real birthday party, can’t remember the last time I blew out the candles and made a wish. You’re smart, I believe you should give into your hearts desire and create your own happiness. I wish you and your loved ones well. Please pray for me because I’m in a dark place, and there’s a lake behind my apartment building. Sometimes I think about walking into it and disappearing, due to my 300 lbs weight, I’ll sink like a cinder block into the abyss. God bless you 2468OCEM.


Ariel June 24, 2015 at 2:12 am

My mother is I think a narcissist,she always knew how to turn everything about her and when we argued she would some times called me evil,I had a unstable childhood due to both my mum and my alcoholic father,she would also gamble all our money and we would get evicted from our homes due to the fact our rent wasn’t paid,I have moved away with my husband but tonight she try to move into our house Because she had a drunken argument with her boyfriend which happens all the time with them,she is has put me in such a emotional state that I don’t feel safe,I suffer from PTSD due to the instability I had while growing up and all I want is to be safe and secure and not have to worry about what turmoil she will bring into my life.


Allie June 25, 2015 at 8:30 pm

OMG…..I am so glad I’m not alone. After reading this, it just all added up in my head and I struggle daily to survive the constant intrusion, bold-faced, selfish rants of the mother. I can now cut her off as best I can with no guilt and forgive and forget all the pain and setbacks I have had in my life and move on with a positive attitude. One day at a time.


mf July 3, 2015 at 10:26 am

one more testimony:)

At 30, I got my dream job, but after some time it became not so nice anymore. I had nervous problems with my breathing, the money and tasks were nice, but the environment was awful, still – everyone around would be almost jealous, beacause the sister of my boss that time was a high government person, but my boss was a full power psycho. I just felt like s**t that time, working in mega stresfull job. I was still living with my parents, not being able to get my own place. One day before going to work, almost not breathing I was crying – I said – do not want to go there, my mother just shouted – GO TO WORK!!!!!!, not even caring for my health….


Bonnie August 11, 2015 at 9:04 pm

I am shocked to actually finally pay attention and realizing I all the people in my whole life had a form of Narcissism, my Mom, ex-husband and a 5 year relationship with a boyfriend.. crumb I just say a pattern and the truth I am an only child and I never knew the difference.. wow time for me to heal.


Sue September 12, 2015 at 9:22 am

My mother, everything is about her. All my life she told how mean my Dad was what an awful person he is. Now I realize as I have been at home 5 years living with her that none of that is true. I wasted a lifetime believing what she said and now he has Alzheimer’s and it breaks my heart.
My mother is constantly on the phone with my sister, their only real topic is me. Their whole conversation is what I did wrong, that I must be on drugs, that I have no friends, that everyone hates me, that I’m crazy (I know as I have listened). I am a well educated woman and have always worked and had my own home, I never did drugs etc. and moved home due to a work related injury and compensation caused me to lose almost everything.
I always bought into her pity, poor-me stories, illnesses, on and on. She is a mean ill spirited woman that is not happy unless everyone is as miserable as she is. I think she is even jealous, sick as that may sound. My decision is to get the heck out of here, her life will unfold as it should, alone and die a hateful person, unfortunately everything will be my fault. Sadly everyone believes her as she reveals every word said to make me look bad. Wish me luck, there must be a life out there somewhere.


evelyn September 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm

I am almost thinking there should be a section here for people who are caring for narc elders. I walked out on my mother (I have a tendency to call her moo) in 1977 when I was 24 because her behaviour was becoming so erratic.
I almost literally at that point could feel my sanity slipping, I had to get out to preserve myself. What is amazing is how these narc moos ( I really hate bestowing a title of ‘mother’ when they the bloody h don’t deserve it) never suffer any consequence of their own actions. Of course, my moo screwed around with a guy who was a drunk, and not responsible (he already had a couple of failures). I have no clue as to whether or not I was a deliberate ‘oopsie’, planned, or whatnot. Either way, my grandmother (who I can trace much of this crap back to) should have been sterilized when she hit puberty. And since that wasn’t done, so should my own moo have been sterilized. Talk about ego, grandiose moo and they act horribly.
Of course, with some, there are interludes which are good, the nastiness is at a minimum, but then the periods start up again. How much is narcissism, how much is just psychopathic abuse?
I have spent my life trying to forget a lot of the sh** that went on. Some are seared into my memory that I cannot forget, up to and including being locked in a suitcase when I was about 2 1/2 or 3, I really do not know how old I was. I was just curious and wanted to know if I would fit. Asked mom to shut the lid and let me out again right away. Instead the f**** b*** locks it and walks away. I know, because I heard it. I have no clue how long I was there but my grandmother came and let me out. Wonder if my wh*** moo sent her or she heard me. For once, my grandmother (who was a piece of work herself, another long story) took me and confronted my cow mother. Mom was at the sink, very robotic-ally working on something, exaggerated movements, refusing to look at either of us. I later, much later, deduced this behaviour to indicate she was told she was wrong, knew she was wrong, but deflected it with some fardling crap of excuse. In this case she told ‘mama’ that ‘this will teach her not to let anyone get her into a similar situation.’ F’in b***. I am not a raging claustrophobic, but I have no clue how I would react if I got stuck in an enclosed area…
I could write a whole missive detailing other little things. I noticed some of the problems occurred as I grew older: the older and more independent I got, the more crazy her behaviour became. There were occasional total paranoid benders, controlling lies, etc.
Good Lord, what is normal and what isn’t? I never knew where lines were, nothing was the same from day to day. Something all right one day was punishable the next.
And here I am talking care of this same old cow. In many ways, she has mellowed, she does not pull the stunts she used to. I have set boundaries. And I will get in her face and tell her what I think.
When I returned in 1998 after my split with my ex, I demonstrated said independence by saying something I knew she wouldn’t like. The cow actually got out of her chair and leaned forward with her hand upraised. I looked her right in the eye and said plainly, ‘you hit me and I’ll hit you right back.’ Unbelievably, she sat down, continued doing something else and acted as if it had never happened. She never did try to hit me again.
I’ve won most battles, lost a couple, but in the end, I will end up ok.
two cents ¢¢


evelyn September 25, 2015 at 3:03 pm

Oh, I think I should add, I never wanted children and never had any. There were many reasons, the first and foremost is that I have watched people and children, watched what was said and what actually was done. It has been a total turn off and I don’t entertain the delusion that ‘I will be different, I will do better than ….. so and so and so.’ It is hard and sometimes thankless work and, yes, I am somewhat selfish in that I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. For whatever reason, I do not have any biological urge either.
I also have never really been very well off financially and to drag a child into the uncertainty and ‘paycheck to paycheck’ reality of my world would have been an affliction on any child. Not fair to them. So, I have put much thought into this matter. I have said in a previous post, that most people do not care what they inflict on a child. I do not apologize if I step on toes: I have spent 62 years observation, both of my own childhood and others.
The most hypocritical statement? “It’s for the children.” I have seen and read more hell inflicted on children in this name than many others. Adults use this to hide behind. Blaming children again? The real underlying reason for it?
I will probably catch heck for this, but so be it. I refuse to pass on the freakin lineage of my mom. And please don’t say that I would be different. I’m not that confidant and I refuse to damage a child. two cents ¢¢


Alicia October 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm


I do not have kids either. It has taken 50 years to figure out that my mother is a Narc. I did want kids, but now that I understand that my mother is a Narc I’m not so sure that I would not have abused my own kids. Because like it or not we have all have Narc tendencies, even though we are not Narcs. It is the behavior that we know and the examples that we copy from our mothers.

I watch my Sister and Brother raise their kids. They struggle and perform some of the awful things that my NM did to us. I think the behavior just comes out, especially when having a NM is your own normal.

I’m glad to break the cycle, because I would hate to inflict any of the things my NM did to me on an innocent child. I know 1st hand what it does to a child.

My 2 cents


CA November 12, 2015 at 6:11 pm

Im 25 and I live with my mom and brother. My mum kicked my dad out when I was 3 and ever since I remember, it has been a nightmare. Not 100% of the time (sometime we get along), but I have been through long years of emotional and physical violence. She can be loving at times (what kind of makes it worse) but I think its for her sake most of the times. She uses everything she knows that afect me to lower myself esteem for no reason.. or if I looked at her in the wrong way. Now she uses her control to put my brother against me. She likes him better for many reasons but also and mainly because he is the boy. He was always the special one, but now he is trapped in a psychologicali na “couple” relationship ( as she didnt have anyone else since we were children). She treats me like crap but because she gives me food shelter and money – I have to pay the price. It really sad to see my brother take part on the injustice, but I kind of understand, he has everything to gain. They portray me as crazy and too sensitive. Its like they feel closer if they bully me. Sometimes I wonder if its worth living.


CA November 12, 2015 at 6:16 pm

Im 25 and I live with my mom and brother. My mum kicked my dad out when I was 3 and ever since, it has been a nightmare. Not 100% of the time (sometime we get along), but I have been through long years of emotional and physical violence. She can be loving at times (what kind of makes it worse) but I think its for her sake most of the times. She uses everything she knows about me to lower my self-esteem for something like looking at her in the wrong way. Now she uses her control to put my brother against me. She likes him better for many reasons but also and mainly because he is the boy. He was always the special one, but now he is trapped in a psychological “couple” relationship (as she didnt have anyone else since we were children). She treats me like crap but because she gives me food shelter and money – I have to pay the price. It really makes me sad to see my brother take part on the injustice, but I kind of understand, he has everything to gain. They portray me as crazy and too sensitive. Its like they feel closer if they bully me. Sometimes I wonder if its worth living.


Lucy November 28, 2015 at 5:36 am

I’m sorry you had to struggle with a narcissistic mother. I, too, have had a lifetime of sadness because of my abusive upbringing. My mother just recently told me she was “done with me.” I haven’t heard from her since. In a way it’s good–she does all of the things you say. I’ve been unemployed/underemployed for 2 years, and although she supported me for part of it, my entanglement with her actually made things worse. I feel very much alone, and feel sad for my son who is 10. On both sides his family is crazy, and in sheltering him from most of it (and my abusive ex husband) I’ve felt very sad about everything. I am also afraid about who I am as a mother because of my upbringing. I know this break is good, but it’s really new and after a lifetime of co-dependency it is definitely difficult. I’m glad this blog is here, and I look forward to reading more posts.


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