Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

by Michelle Piper

The road is long and winding for the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Many twists and turns along the way, with no light guiding her. She may feel lost, not knowing which direction she should turn due to lack of guidance and without the proper care and nurturing for her to be able to find her way. Yes, it is true, being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, the route on the road to recovery is not an easy one. But, once you find your way, there is light at the end of the narcissistic tunnel.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother has been psychologically abandoned and abused since very early on in life. Whether she was the golden child or the scapegoat (most likely the scapegoat), she was not given the tools to become an authentic individual. She was made to be an extension of her narcissistic mother and play by the rules her mother has created. She was made to be a carbon copy of her narcissistic mother.

When a narcissistic mother wants the daughter to be a copy of herself, she wishes to use the child as a source of narcissistic supply. Perhaps there’s something she feels she wasn’t able to do in her youth that she expects you to do in yours, or maybe you’re blamed for stealing her life when you were born. Whatever the reason, she feels you “owe her” to be an extension of herself.

Children are naturally and innately dependent on their primary caregiver from birth and the narcissistic mother intends to keep the child dependent on her for as long as she possibly can in order to enjoy a sense of control throughout the child’s entire lifetime. Often, inheritance and financial favors are used by narcissistic parents to manipulate their children throughout their lifespan. The narcissistic mother expects her child to put her needs first, no matter how she treats you, your children or your significant other.

A narcissistic mother wants complete and total control over her daughter’s life, especially when the daughter is at the point in life when she wants to establish independence and autonomy. Her narcissistic mother will sabotage her daughter’s freedom any chance she can. She is ruthless and relentless.

Having children is seen by narcissistic mothers as the perfect answer to the desire to have a captive narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, the narcissistic mother often gets overwhelmed by the natural demands of a child. Parenthood intensifies the NM’s abusive behavior and the child may then be blamed for the narcissistic mother’s inadequacies or failures. Sadly, many DONM’s are further betrayed by a father that enables the narcissistic mother’s abuse.

She yells at you? It’s your fault.
She hit you? You stressed her out.
She ignored you? You didn’t approach her in the right way.

But, you were an innocent child, not a “mini-me” of the narcissistic mother. A child is born perfectly imperfect, with the need to be protected, accepted, sheltered and nurtured. Answering these normal biological needs are seen by narcissistic parents as favors, not a precious duty, if given at all.

Narcissistic mothers want their child to do what they want, how they want it and when they want it. Many readers of this blog have experienced an “engulfment-abandonment cycle” where the mother engulfs, through boundary-less or abusive behavior, then abandons them when confronted or when something is more interesting to the parent than the child.

As these daughters grow up and become independent beings away from their mothers in order to one day make a life for themselves, select their own choices, and be functioning people in society, the narcissistic parent struggles to retain control. She will continue to force her child into whatever role provides her the most narcissistic supply, such as the blamed scapegoat, the forgotten lost, the falsely empowered golden, or the enmeshed and parentified child.

Because of being the same gender, daughters of narcissistic mothers are especially vulnerable to being seen by mom as a copy of herself. The narcissistic mother can therefore believe she may do as she pleases, physically and emotionally, when it comes to her daughter. She may expect her child to pursue the life partner she chooses. In this case, she wants the daughter’s significant other to be the most prestigious reflection of her genetic material’s potential.

A narcissistic mother will attempt to destroy her daughter’s romantic relationships so she can keep her child around for longer or if she doesn’t see the mate as being a fit counterpart. She will flirt with her daughter’s significant other, spread lies, and manipulate in order to keep her daughter all to herself and retain the narcissistic supply.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are shocked and saddened to catch their mothers lying directly to her own children or spouse. Narcissistic moms try to cause break ups, doing whatever she can to get her daughter back to only having one person in her life: her narcissistic mother.

Sons of narcissistic mothers aren’t immune to being objectified in similar ways by their narcissistic mother, but they may experience less blatant “copy of herself” behavior, like that of buying similar clothes, for instance. Often the narcissistic mom will see your partner alternately as competition or an ally to be manipulated against you. Your well meaning spouse may not understand they’ve a narcissistic mother-in-law and fall prey to her plea for help when you’ve set a boundary and your narcissistic parent is trying to get around it.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can become enraged as mom refuses to see them as their own person and are therefore not treated as such. Conversely, the daughter of a narcissistic mother may not realize this is happening and thus continue to become completely enmeshed with the narcissistic parent.

There are different ways narcissistic mothers keep their daughters dependent on them to maintain this source of narcissistic supply. Below are two common tactics of the narcissistic parent.

Parentification: The narcissistic mother expects her daughter to take care of her when it should be the other way around. The daughter is made to feel responsible for the mother’s physical and emotional needs. These needs can range from an unfair share of cooking and cleaning to playing therapist while her mother talks about her relationships, sex life, and other issues. These are much bigger roles than any child should have to take on, but a narcissistic mother does not care. She only cares about her own wants and needs.

Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her daughter is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on his or her own. A narcissistic mother will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.

Both of these tactics, along with numerous other ploys, are how narcissistic mothers try to make their daughter into a clone, a copy of themselves for their own twisted satisfaction. If a daughter of a narcissistic mother tries to gain any sort of independence, it is met with rage and tactics meant to keep the child in her control, terrified of what the narcissistic mother might do if boundaries are enforced or even requested.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers keenly feel the trouble mom has in setting boundaries between the two of them. This can result in the child having psychological symptoms like “dissociating” in order to have a mental if not physical break from the narcissistic abuse.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can also convey their distress through physical symptoms, especially at a preverbal age. Unexplained physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, and muscle twitches or spasms are common non-verbal expressions of anxiety.

Narcissistic enmeshment continues into the adulthood of the daughter. The narcissistic mother will try to intrude on personal relationships, marriage, and child rearing of her child’s kids. As a narcissistic mother-in-law, she will tell her child that his or her partner’s healthy desires for privacy or boundaries are abnormal or manipulative.

Even in death, the narcissistic parent can try to control their daughters, daughter’s children and spouses from the grave by using the assets of their will and their distribution as yet another way to pit the siblings against one another. Pitting people against one another in this way is a toxic narcissistic behavior called splitting.

Sons of narcissistic mothers often are badgered by mom’s incessant desire to control their interactions with their own partners and can feel put in the middle between a mom “who means well” but is intrusive. The narcissistic mother “means well” only for herself. In the case of a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law this is, again, her inability to see her child as separate from herself. She tries to possess the child instead of support the child’s independence with love.

With an engulfing narcissistic mother, it can be very hard to get rid of her. It is important not to buy into her lies, intimidations, and manipulations. Don’t give in to her gaslighting or when she tries to tell you that you won’t be anything without her. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by your narcissistic parent, your time is too precious.

Gain your own financial, physical, and emotional independence from her and do your best to enforce low contact or no contact (although, no contact is extremely difficult with these kinds of narcissistic mothers.) Involve the authorities if you need to or feel you’re in any danger. Protect yourself first. Set firm limits and be strong when enforcing them.

Our community is full of those who work hard to leave the old narcissistic family system. The battles a daughter of a narcissistic mother (DoNM), must fight in order to gain this hard won independence often costs time and tears. Both sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve well earned peace and freedom.

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{ 99 comments… read them below or add one }

Lizette van Wyk December 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

I am a daughter of a N Mother, the way she managed to be in control of me and my life was by making sure I always ended up having to move back home, she would get me fired from my job or try every time I moved away from home, she damaged my relationship of 9 years for the same reason and made sure after I worked for her (big mistake!!!) that I can find a job again. She wanted to be in control of my life and destroyed me in the process,as well as many change I had for a normal life. I have also been bad mouthed by her all my life and she denies everything that she has done to me to the point where no one beliefs me, not even my family and that makes the abuse even worst. I can write a book about my life and childhood of at least 1500 pages, Because of the damage I can’t have a relationship with my family and it is sad, sh devil, I can’t give her a better name than that. Only thing left to do was go no contact and run like he’ll, there is nothing else you can do. Heal and try to be normal-she is a huge Christian and like swearing before God that she did not do this or that to my face, According to her I am the crazy one (I believed that to be true for many years) just like Mother wanted it to be. I am not flawed I am injured. Emotional abuse at it’s best! My advice, run like hell and never look back! I mourn the lossof my life every day, she had no right to take my birthright, I hate my Mother and can’t help it.


Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Sadly Lizzette, this is not a matter of control with your mother, but, rather, a matter of having her emotional needs met through you. This is readily being recognized as “covert incest” This hideous form of narcissistic supply will continue to destroy anything good that ever comes into you’re life. As you’re mother understands it, as all narcissistic mothers do, you are here for her emotional gratification. You simply do not exist as a partner in the mother-daughter alliance. If You would like I’ll send you a copy of a little book I’ve written on the subject of maternal narcissistic abuse that I titled “Jezebel’s child: A Biblical healing of abuse and addictions for daughters of narcissistic mothers.” Although I’ll promise you no answers, I will promise you understanding. lassiegethelp@live.com God bless you.


Krista January 25, 2013 at 12:42 pm

I’m so happy to know I’m not the only one! I don’t even know how I stumbled onto this site. I certainly wasn’t researching why my mom is crazy! I’m also so happy to hear there is a book based on Biblical teachings about this disorder! This is truly an answer to my prayers! I’m ordering it today! Krista


Anonymous February 17, 2015 at 11:34 pm

She’s not a Christian if she’s a true narcissist


Fellow Traveler March 19, 2015 at 10:48 am

Thank you for your courageous post, Lizzette.

Your mother IS a classic controlling narcissist, regardless of what Kevin Wolfe said.

Writing about abusive experiences invokes pain and hopefully over time, it will fade. You are strong and having made the decision to run like hell, you are determined to heal. Good for you!
Trust your instincts and guard yourself from the Narcissist’s trap: If a person seems too good to be true, they probably are, so be cautious and don’t invite Narcissists into your life.
Take your time getting to know people and make them work to get to know you.
Make them earn your respect and trust.
Take your time.
You are precious and you deserve to be happy.
I wish you peaceful days and a bright future.


BABS December 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I am 33yrs old & only just realised that my mother is a narcisstic. I came to this conclusion from googling after she told me that she wouldn’t mind my toddler anymore simply becasue I said to her that she shouldn’t give him a milkshake as his lunch.
She always makes everything about her.
I remember growing up she was always on some sort of diet or another. I would come home hungry from school and ask what was for dinner & she replied with “I don’t know what your having but I’m having ….” Whatever the pre prepared meal was for that day.
If she saw me eating any junk food I would get comments such as “chocolate casues pimples” or “thats going to catch up with you one day..” Even as an adult if I reach for a lolly I get some sort of remark.
As a teenager I worked from the time I was 14 & 9 months. From the day I started work I was then responsible for paying my own way. I would have to buy my own clothes, and even pay for my own deoderant and sanitary pads! My job was at night, working from 6pm – 9pm. Instead of being happy that I had a job (like she wanted me to have) she would complain that she would have to drive me in and pick me up. Even tho there was no public transport alternatives and I couldn’t drive myself.
Although I never caught her snooping through my bedroom and I know that she did. She would often just happen to stumble accross something or another in my room and she always seemed to know things that had happened (probably becasue she would read my diary even though it was hidden)
She would often embarress me infront of my friends. I would always seem to be in trouble for something when I had people over. Even now we are all adults, my friends are in aggreance with me that my mother was infact a bitch to me.
I remember my mother said to me on more than one occasison as a child that she wished that I was never born. She also slapped me across the face (on more than one occassion).
She was and still is a big on giving the silent treatment. She has not only done it to me, but also my father too.
She has told me in the past “you will need me, before I need you.”
She is never in the wrong, will never say that she is sorry, and will never remember the times that she has done any of the things that I recall.
If she has the shits with something she will make sure everyone around her has to suffer. I remember family holidays Mum would have the shits before we had even reversed out the driveway. .. It made for a very long car ride.
If I ever made general comments about being tired or not wanting to go to work I would have things snapped back at me such as “you think your tired, what about me, I have to do….” Or “How do you think I feel I’ve been working since I was 16″
When I was 18 (and had finished school) I went out to the pubs one night. My mum knew who I was with and where I was, but I didn’t come home. When I did come home that morning I was met with a note telling me that I was a slut and that I had a month to move out. I wasn’t spoken to for that entire month. I wish now that I had moved out, but Dad told me that he didn’t want me to go and that he would sort it out.
I remember once as a 16 or 17 year old saying that I was scared of something hurting and Mum replying that she hoped that I would feel like that before the 1st time that I had sex.
When I was getting married Mum took it upon herself to orgainsise the hair and makeup (all with the places that she goes to, not me) I let her have the hair, but wasn’t in agreeance with the makeup simply due to time restrictions & conveniace. She didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks.
When my husband and I were renovating our house my parents were coming in one morning to help. My mum rang beforehand trying to suggest we do something a certain way (with the renovations) When I told her that we were doing it another way, she hung up on me and my parents never turned up to help.
When I was 5 or 6 months pregnant with my 1st child she decided that when the baby came she would come in to my place and help me. She had decided on the days and times and had eveything all orgainised. When I polietly told her that the baby wasn’t coming for another 3-4 months and that I didn’t want to have set times in place (as I had no idea what we would be doing at those times) she became the victim. She didn’t speak to me and even went as far as ringing my husband in tears. He felt sorry for her and told me that I should ring her and when I did I copped abuse down the phone.
Recently I have given birth to a stillborn baby at 5 months gestation. Somehow Mum has even made that about her. She has been telling anybody that will listen, crying to everyone and contacting my friends and even facebook friends telling them and telling them not to contact me. She says that she is helping me.
Aaaaaaaaargh! I am just so over it…


Nisha October 27, 2014 at 10:45 am

my mother is worse than this. She caught me masturbating at age five and came into my room every night for perhaps 9-10 years to ask me if I had “touched myself”. She has me frequent enemas. she would come clothes shopping with me and agonize over the length of every hem every pair of pants, were they too tight? She tried to control my food…
She said and I quote…”when you were born I thought it would be like having this blank book to write in and then I discovered that someone had come and written all over it.”
She meant ME. I wrote all over her blank book. an last but not least, I had an abortion and I made the mistake of telling her about it. of course I tell her all of my most private information why not!?! It’s not like I know any of hers so the deal is fair…I had already also for and sought counseling and follow up on my own. in another city. at the doctor of my choice and I was doing just fine. she somehow convinced me that the doctor I was dealing with wasn’t good enough and scheduled an appointment with her “OWN” doctor. she didn’t have a gynecologist. she went out of her way to schedule my POST ABORTION FOLLOWUP at an obstetricians office. the doctor there was aghast. The story gets worse but I am not even going to bother with that part. don’t get me started on my father. 36 years old. I once performed at the Kennedy center. I was highly educated and motivated. now, two nervous breakdowns later I cannot work eat or sleep and am seriously contemplating suicide. this woman trid to convince me that breathing on my own was evil. Anything besides her. she ha even tormenting me for so long I no longer identify with my name the name I posted isn’t my name at all, but a nickname. the one thing I have done with my life that was remotely good was avoiding the trap of having a child. I could neve bring a child into this situation and watch helplessly as she tears it to bits just like she has done to me. I wish I could at it gets easier but it doesn’t. So for anyone who has this happen to them, I am sosorry for your pain. I don’t know why this kind of evil exists in the world and for so long have tried to make the best of it make light of it anything but just plain old face it. I hope at the very least a few short lived divas or gorgeous brats have emerged from the narcissitic mother Chasm becashe it is a place where there is VERY little light. an yes, of course of course, she is religious.


WSquared January 8, 2015 at 2:47 pm

Nisha, I’m sorry to read something such as this.

an yes, of course of course, she is religious.

She’s abusing her religion, whatever it is. All human beings are made in God’s image; they are not “blank books” in which anyone may write whatever the heck they please.


Sarah March 17, 2015 at 1:53 am


I just want to give you a hug right now. My mother has a lot in common with yours based on your blog post.


BABS December 13, 2012 at 5:23 am

When I was pregnant with my 1st child I gained alot of weight (I have always been small) My mother announced at a family function that she can now say that she weighs less than me.
Over the past year I have had alot of stress at work. I work within a small department and have endured over 12 months of bullying from my manager. (To the extent that upper management are investigation my managers actions) Anyway, my Mum has basically told me that I need to get over it. Although she took 12 months “stress leave” the previous year becasue she worked at the same place as some woman she didn’t like (not with them, or in the same area as them, just the same building) Yet, my issues are dismissed.
If I mention something to my Mum about someone or something that she already knows and I ask her why she didn’t tell me, she snaps at me “you have no idea of all the stuff I’ve got in my head”
She has an opinion about EVERYTHING and its always right.
My brother and his partner recently went on a 6 week o/seas holiday. The pair had saved for years to go and my mother kept carrying on how she had to mind their dog, and that my Dad was an idiot becasue he offered to mow their lawn while they were away. I then heard about how she thought they were stupid for spending so much money on a holiday and that they should of been putting that money onto their home loan. Becasue thats waht she would do.
Although, she enjoys the luxury of holidays every 3-4 months,,, cruises, o/seas holidays, weekends away, stage shows, concerts etc etc. Well after all she is 59 years old and been working since was was 16.
My Mum has my toddler one day a week while I work. She offered to come to my house before I go to work (saving me from dropping him at her house) She often does things around the house (even though I tell her not to touch anything) Then all I hear about is how she made my bed, or did I notice that she took the rubbish out. .. I even get snide remarks about things that I may not have done around the house. I have been told that my microwave is filthy and she had to clean it, or that I need to clean out my linin cupboard. The days she has my toddler don’t really affect her lifestyle. The days are worked around her activities and my child just has to fit in. On occasion I have asked if he could spend the night. Afterwards all I hear about is how she doesn’t sleep at all when his there cos she is listening out for him (he sleeps throughout the night)
My Mums brother has told me that Mum has been like it her entire life. He said that she has always made out that she is hard done by and that she has always come first, second and third, and everyone else comes after that.
My mums parents live approx 50 minutes away. They are both 86. My Mum makes no attempt to visit them or do anything for them (even though she works part time and has 10 weeks holidays a year) She will stop in to see them when she is driving past (on her way to a concert or a weekend away) I then hear about how filthy their unit is etc etc. My Uncle is left to help them out, taking them to various medical appointments, grocery shopping ect. But according to my mother he can do that becasue he doesn’t work and she does. He took a months holaday a few months ago and asked my mother to go visit once a week in his absence. That was an effort and my mother begrudged him the whole time telling me that its “alright for some” and she would like to have a months holiday.
As a child I don’t really remember my Mum doing a great deal with me. I seem to remember all the negative things. The more I think about things the more bitter I get. If it wasn’t for my friends throughout my teenage years I have no idea how I would of survived. Although, remembering all of the things that she went on like I have no idea why any of them wanted to even come to my house or my birthday parties. And the thing is, I was a good kid, I went well at school, I kept a part time job, I helped out around the house. I wasn’t a brat.
Reading back over this I feel I need ALOT of therapy to deal with all of therse unresolved feelings. If nothing else, I will make sure I do not turn out like my mother and that my son will not feel the same way towards me as I feel towards her.


Shannon January 11, 2014 at 11:36 am

Babs, I am reading this a year after you wrote.
I hope and pray you have chosen mental health, and life, and to be proactive in protecting your son. I hope and pray you have chosen never to leave your precious child with someone that has caused so much damage and bitterness and hurt in your life. By your own words recognizing you will need therapy. And you do, you deserve it. So does your precious family. Bless you on your journey of healing and living.
May this find you living.


Kara May 16, 2014 at 12:47 pm

OMG your mum and mine aren’t one and the same are they????!!!
Mine was strikingly similar at a similar age and I never broke the law but rebelled big time, I have always told her exactly what she was because I figured someone needed to, someone needed to challenge her.
The best thing to do is to have absolutely no worries about what she or anyone else might think ….do what YOU want and set good boundaries, not just with her but with others. Cease contact with the ones that make you uncomfortable.
One good way of talking about narcissists to others safely is by couching your words in a very breezy and nonserious manner, don’t let on you’re annoyed even if you are quite upset, just state the facts blandly and people will soon pick up that the N is being an idiot.. The narcissist basically wants to make you and everyone else upset, that is all they exist for, so if they realize everyone is laughing at them theyay not be so sure of themselves. Not that that will change them, but it just may make them feel uneasy.


Michelle December 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I’m 46 years old and just realizing I have a NM. I feel guilty right now even typing that…like she may find out and punish me…punish me at 46? She is almost 70 and here I thought she would get “better” as she got older. I’ve tried to make her happy. I’ve tried to ask her to get help. Can she heal? Can she get better? I still love her and don’t want to abandon her, but she makes life so difficult..I was her scapegoat. My sister her golden child. Now I know the truth. It WASN’T my fault. I SURVIVED. I am on my own and giving my children and husband the love and patience and nurturing that I wanted so much as a child. My husband and kids’ love fills that hole my mom has left inside me. I just wish I knew all this a little sooner…Thank you for your blog. xoxo


Roger January 17, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Isn’t it bizarre that we still feel the guilt for our NMs even when they’re not around? I think that, honestly, narcissists don’t get better, they never really love anyone but themselves. They will never get help because they think they are perfect. You’re lucky you’ve created your own family, one that loves and cares for you and get to experience something you didn’t get when you were younger.


debbie September 21, 2014 at 6:05 am

doesn’t it feel liberating to realise that you have not failed , we are a similar age and like you have secure love with my husband for 28 yrs and my 3 grown up children . I have always been kept busy with my children as my eldest has several health restrictions and spent all of her childhood in and out of hospital , even though my mother lives in the same village and used to visit us most days she was always unavailable to help when things were tough , she has a great life and lovely home yet always makes out she has nothing . I tolerated her ways for many years until she started lying to my beloved family and started to cause trouble between myself and one of my daughters it nearly spit me and my husband as she managed to convince him that I was wicked and unable to love I could feel everything I cherished slipping away as I knew she had got to them , I felt week and desperate and suicidal but somehow found the strength to fight back by allowing my family time to work out who the wicked one was , give them enough rope as they say and they will eventually do the job themselves !! so I decided to make a few changes in a subtle way to my relationship with my mother , I stopped running to her beck and call and took on more work hrs as to avoid her , this began to drive her crazy that I didn’t have time to be her personal shopper , hairdresser , decorator , financial adviser etc , etc etc , this and my eldest daughters pregnancy announcement eventually exposed her true self as her games to get my attention became more and more ridiculous . her attempts to ruin every event or special moment became ever revealing until I felt my family could see what had been going on I didn’t feel safe . her last big episode was over a stupid bloody turkey that me and my 5 siblings each receive as an xmas present and her claim that she had given us ours !!!!! trouble is I think we would remember , she was hell bent on getting me to say I had made a mistake but she just dug herself into a corner that she couldn’t get out of , so you see what lengths she would go to ,only this time was different because my family could see her for what she is , that was over 2yrs ago now she still waves at my children and husband as if nothing ever happened but I do not have any contact with her at all , it drives her mad and she invents things that get all my siblings running around after her and my step father , telling each one that they will receive the most in her will sadly some of them still believe her and run to her every whim believing I am the hostile one ,its taken awhile but now my eldest brother and sister have began to see her game playing and we can now have a better and stronger relationship as we understand she was the reason we didn’t get on for all those yrs , sad as all this seems I feel whole , content and qualified to advise anyone in a mental battle as I have fought and won and boy was it a tough battle , so never give up believing that its not you but change a few patterns and allow the baddy to reveal themselves it take time and strength but the rewards are YOUR LIFE X


marilyn January 26, 2015 at 7:56 pm

Sorry to tell you Michelle, but Narcissists only get meaner and more demanding as they get older……….trust me, I know


Liberdade December 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I am 44 and have been struggling with my mother for all my life. And always people around me have said she means well, she is such a sweet woman, etc. I have tried to speak with her, I have tried to stay away from her (but could never keep it up out of guilt), I have tried to comply. Nothing helps to lift the FOG. I’m also angry as hell.
It has only recently come to my mind that there is possibility she’s narcissistic. I have married a narcissistic man twice, and have read a lot on the subject. Initially to get a grip on the situation, later on I realized that I needed to heal myself in order to not be vulnerable to narcissists. I am not sure she’s a narcissist, because she helps me out whenever she can and has, of that I am sure, the best of intentions. That makes it difficult to hold her accountable.
But the trouble with her is that she is so controlling, so back to front, outside in, so impossible to really speak with, that she makes me feel utterly voiceless, as if I don’t matter at all. She has an image of who she wants me to be and of how our relationship is that is totally, completely fictional. When I have the guts to tell her I see things differently, she either doesn’t let me speak out, or gets angry, or starts to cry. She has me in her claws either way.
She has invaded my privacy in so many ways, that I feel physically repulsed by her. I feel as if I’m sexually abused. She walked into the bathroom when I was in and commented on my breasts and pubics, she went through my stuff (and thoroughly!), she demanded I had my hair cropped short when I grew older, she demanded I wore the clothes she picked for me, she stared at me for minutes…?! She seemed to have a fixation on my sexual development. She read my diaries and mail that I received from boyfriends. She flirted with them. She told them strange things about me. After I had given birth of my first son, she told my husband when I was out of earshot that I had grown fat! Huh? Not that she would admit to that.
Recently my feelings have flamed up because my children (5 and 6) have started saying they no longer want grandma to pick them up from school, she’s not nice, she screams at them, they have to stand in the hallway for punishment a lot, etc. My mum’s very stressed out with the kids. In a way, I was happy they told me this, because it means that I was right. It’s not me. I feel now it’s allowed in a way to not like her.
I will do anything in my power to shield my children from she shit she put on us children, so that means in future we keep our visits to granny short and I will make sure she won’t be alone with them anymore. I so not want them to get accustomed to her tensity.
How do I unleash myself from her is my next step. She’s now 73 and not in good shape. My father passed away years ago, but there are still a lot of relatives around her. But these people are getting older as well and I fear the day that I will have to go and see her daily. Because even though she says she understands I have my own life, she has her ways to pass the message on in such a way that I can’t help but feel pity. She can’t help it. She’s not in good shape. She doesn’t understand. She can’t change.
Thank you for creating a space where I could write this down and feel understood.


Kevin Wolfe January 4, 2013 at 9:07 am

My Lady. When you ask, “how do I unleash myself?” This is a common question among daughters who have become “enmeshed” Fortunately, Enmeshment is not a physical, but psychological and emotional bonding to your mother, therefore you don’t have to physically withdraw love and support from your mother. Sadly, to hear what a “sweet mother” she is and only wants the best for you, is a common misunderstanding people have concerning narcissistic mothers. They simply do not understand the “smoke screen” behind your mothers calculated behavior. This common narcissistic manipulation leads the daughter to exhibit what is clinically referred to as, “avoidance response” That is, minimizing the abuse in a desperate attempt to believe she is loved, i.,e, “I’m her only daughter” Or, “She just wants to protect me.” Or, as you’ve said, to avoid guilt. The guilt, my lady, is an illusion, a tool skilfully used against you over the years designed to prevent you from what your attempting to do now; “unleash yourself.”

Consider Dr., Jung’s thoughts: “It is not possible to live to long in the bosom of the family without endangering one’s physic health.” — Professor, Dr., Carl Jung.

Precisely Jesus’ point: “I have not come to sow peace, but to divide, with a sword. To set at variance, daughter against mother.” Matthew, 10:34. What Jesus’ is suggesting in this passage is a difference of thoughts, values and opinions, as this is the definition of the word, “variance.” therefore a psychological and emotional division of enmeshment. Look closely where the master teacher says “To divide with a sword.” This phrase is an illustration that the psychological separation will not be pretty. It will cause pain. However, the end result will amaze you. Freedom, sweet freedom from bondage.”

May God, hold you in the hollow of His hand.


tina January 6, 2013 at 12:33 pm

These are scriptures that I too have brought to my attention in my recovery. So well stated.


Wray January 31, 2013 at 9:02 am

It does not end here. Your kids will be grown and she will still act the same way…. I suggest taking two year breaks from her . Contact and chat, get abused and take another two years. Anyhow my mom is 86 and she is still the same N she always was. I don’t speak with her anymore, not do my grown children.


Jocasta February 2, 2013 at 11:18 pm

Liberdade….The only way as I see it is to go and live a long way from her. I did this and it saved me. Distance gives you the opportunity to grow stronger without her continually breaking down your barriers. When she asked to visit I said no. You have right on your side and you must be strong.
Think of your children if this is a difficult decision. For their benefit you have no choice but to leave or they will suffer from your being abused and then she will continually have those children in her sights.
N’s have no self-control so you must take the control.


Liberdade February 25, 2013 at 1:08 pm

Thank you all for your replies, it feels good to have been heard and understood. After I wrote this message, my mother fell ill and died soon. I have stayed with her in the process, and we managed to say goodbye peacefully. I know it’s not a decent thing to say, so glad I can do it anonymously, but I am so relieved.


Kris December 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

This is quite enlightening. My sister is the golden child and it is helpful to know what she goes through. My brothers and sisters always knew that the blatant double standard of a childhood we lived was slanted in her favour but nobody resented my sister herself. The only annoying part was that my sister never seemed to grasp the special treatment that she received – she seemed to be under the impression that we were all playing by the same rules and that somehow she deserved the special treatment because of something she did that we didnt do.

Now, understanding the triangulation and subtle lies, i understand better that she probably had her head filled with bogus things that we did wrong or bad grades that we never got or things she found in our rooms that were either never there or werent supposed to be found.

Its interesting to hear that the golden child would get their room searched too. Mine was searched through regularly and thoroughly. When she found something, she would usually try to get one of my siblings to take the blame by saying they were looking for something and they found this.

The lack of boundaries in sense of self between the golden child and narcissitic mother is something ive only realized between my sister and my mom since ive learned about narcissism. I think my entire relationship with my sister over the past 16 years has been subject to this and is likely either a writeoff or going to need to be started over from scratch.

Examples? My mom told me she told my sister about my new job promotion and my sister was very excited for me. Turns out my sister never heard about my new job. She told me when i went to the police and reported that my moms brother molested my friend that my she told my sister and my sister said she supported me all the way. My sister never had that conversation with my mother, she only found out after talking to my brother. In effect my mother is speaking *for* my sister to us putting words into her mouth.

This perverse sense of enmeshed self that my mom has with my golden child sister manifests in other ways. If i show my mother something cool that i have (my 160 inch home theatre system is one particularly prominent example) she starts to brag and compete *for* my sister, talking about stainless steel appliances or something so totally unrelated that it feels like the conversational train has just jumped the tracks. When we have child rearing difficulties she brings up how well my sister does with her son and carries on and on. Only one major problem. My sister has a son. I have a daughter. Beleive me, raising a girl comes with a completely different set of challenges to raising a boy. How is my sisters parenting style relevant when we are trying to get out 8 year old girl to stop wearing skimpy dresses in the winter? I buy a sail boat and talk about what a great summer my family is having spending every weekend on the boat. She tells me how thrilled my sister is, later i find out my sister doesnt know about the boat and everyone else is told that it was a hopelessly irresponsible decision on my part.

I cant imagine what my golden child sister actually *does* hear about me. Probably what an irresponsible sod i am and how she wishes that i would get my act together and bla bla bla.

Ive gone no contact with my parents and i look forward to having a relationship with my sister independent of my parents, i only hope that one can be salvaged. 16 years of hearing about me through my mother may have jer so far base that the relationship is unrecoverable, because i fear that despite having full intention of not talking about my mother it will likely turn out to be one conversation after another overturning a decade and a half of lies. She will either get it or she wont i guess.

Hope this helps the golden children out there searching for answers.


Anne February 21, 2014 at 8:16 pm

Ditto. DIITO. DITTO. I don’t know what else to say other then that. I’ve been experiencing the exact same as you for over 15 yrs. I am 45 and the last of 7. I’ve just figured it out…obviously I knew something was wrong but couldn’t exactly put my finger on it. but now I know know she is sick. We ALL know NOW. Good riddance.


Sarah December 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm


Reading all the posts it really hits home how damaging this is and not to let it damage you any further. It’s still so controversial a subject, and feels like mum-bashing, which believe me is not my intent.

I am 35 and starting to realise how challenging unravelling the harm caused by growing up with narciscism. My mother did her best, I am sure and I try to balance out the consistent negative responses in my head with something, somewhere, that is positive, I have to hold on to that. Yet it has caused so much harm and has scared me to the point of obsession that I will turn out like her to my future children (as if aliens will steal my brain). That is of course if I have any children, as I have been put off for fear of how I would screw them up. I am scared that I may have some learned behaviours from her and I over analyse everything as a result.

Growing up as a young girl with a step sister 7 years younger than me, my mum used to inappropriately share adult information with me about my step father (also a good old fashioned narcisisst, 12 years my mother’s senior). One occasion she told me about finding dirty magazines and how wrong and disgusting he was, how he was perverted. I should state that my mum never had any friends so often parted with information better reserved for adult conversation. At a young age I was flattered and felt grown up, but looking back sharing this kind of information at such an impressionable age is unfathomable, I mean what young girl growing up would not find pornography completely threatening? Did that skew my idea of sexuality? She then saught my verification that it was best for her to leave him (I couldn’t understand the full facts at such a young age -I was 13, and already troubled and unprepared for growing up, but it seemed like the right idea at the time, they argued continually, but all the while it was part of her plan to leave dad for someone else). My step dad would later tell me that the divorce “was all my fault” and that “mother always took my side over him” the latter being true to an extent, but that is another story in itself. My mother left my step dad for one of his employees at the company they ran together, who at the time was 21, and she was 43. They are still together yet they dont live together, which whilst I am very open minded, feel the circumstances highly disfunctional to my younger sister (or me) growing up. There were a lot of lies and half truths to cover up tracks regarding their relationship and lies to my step father so he wouldn’t find out. The younger man my mum left my step dad for continued to work for my step dad (and so did my mum for many years after their split, all the while having an affair under his nose). As you can imagine it made for horrific fighting between my mum and step dad, it was acidic. They would yell and belittle each other in front of customers and staff and it was indecent.

I ran off the rails I must admit, leaving home at 17 and ending up in a narcisstic relationship at 18 to 23 (this was my fault, I hold no one accountable for my own actions, but I do believe I was trying to get away from this dysfunction). Through this rebellion I was cast as the ‘trouble maker’ and was dealt with by her and her younger partner as such, as though I was born with this affliction and my behaviour detracted from her wonderful new relationship. I spent years blaming myself, that I was not worth anything. My sister too was damaged, being molly coddled because of ‘my rebellion’ and felt unable to leave home until a year or so ago at the age of 26, when she finally tired of my mum’s bizarre behaviour.

Today my mother still constantly lies, and tells one thing to my sister and one thing to me, this has always been a problem. Whether she does this intentionally or otherwise she has caused a divide between my sister and me, it just cannot be helped, it is safer. Our whole triangular relationship is one of paranoia that you don’t know who says what with my mum in the middle so it becomes clipped and light conversation to avoid triggers.

Mum told me several years ago she believed that my step dad abused my sister sexually… This NEVER happened, and how she could even have said this out loud with no evidence, she just used this as an excuse for why my sister didnt like staying there and it justified her decision. Yet whilst my step father made some serious mistakes as a father and was admitedly probably a lousy husband, I can certainly vouch for his innocence growing up with him. If that had been in the remotest bit true, why did she stay with him 10 years, why did she let my sister stay there for the weekend? Why is my sister now close to him? There have been countless lies and stories of complete fantasy dreamed up over the years, so much so it makes me cringe and there is not the page space here to go through it all.

Throughout my early years she denied my feelings of frustration, dismissed my questions about subjects I was scared of, and ignored me when I needed advice except to account for her own ‘experience’. When any kind of soap opera was on the television she kind of zoned out like a zombie. She would complain of working and never having any time for herself (EVERY time we speak to her on the phone), yet my sister and I could not understand why she would continually say this, she works fairly short hours for full time, no more than any of us do on a daily basis, no kids at home. She comes home and watch 5 hours of TV straight and still does, I can even tell you what she watches in order of schedule: Home and Away, Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Coronation street and Emmerdale -oh yes then Holby City and then Sci-fi chanel catch up. This is fine if you like that kind of thing, however she will complain about work and never having any time! This will be ‘offloaded’ at any opportunity on the phone (she never calls, I have to call her. This is not so bad however!). When I start to talk to her sometimes I hear her zone out, she is not listening -just hmmm…hmmm and then change the subject, because of this, I limit conversations to no more than 5 minutes and x1 a fortnight which has helped a litte. I don’t really share anything.

At my uncle’s funeral my partner brought to my attention how uncomfortable her behaviour made everyone feel, she would introduce me as “Sarah, my daughter…”, and then she blurted out as quickly as she could “who works for XYZ corporation!!” as some sort of caveat or explanation for my existence that had to be said to anyone willing to listen, not caring that I might not need everyone to know that, at that point, it was so inappropriate for a funeral setting. It’s difficult to explain, but you had to be there to get the context of her implication. I put it down to grief, but her behaviour was so ‘off’ it was troubling.

Most recently my mother has made my partner of 3 years feel very uncomfortable by staring at him and ‘competing’ with me, so much so that he brought this up with me, as I was not in the room, he said “I wish your mum would stop staring at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable!” How devastating was that to hear, I cannot even tell you. I cringed at that fact. She was always obsessed with looks, one of the only photographs of her in the house is from her modelling days where she is just in a skimpy outfit on a float at a carnival. She would always say she had no friends as all women were jealous of her, and I wonder if her obsession with youth saw her move into a relationship with a man so young. I do not see this as adult decision making but decisions based on insecurity.

Everytime my mother visits, I feel dread, I feel worry, I shut down, and become quite horrible actually, I dont like myself, and spend the entire time biting my lip, I feel ill. My partner has been amazing and caring and helped me so much which I am very grateful and lucky to have such a balanced and caring man in my life. We have worked hard to get where we are, I am at last studying for the degree (my mother failed to see the point of, education was always very abstract for her, something she didnt really understand as she never bothered to educated herself at any point). When I had some news about my results, she interupted me within a minute and started telling me about her new carpet and new car that she got with grannies inheritance (she had told me this news twice before on the phone).

We took her and her partner out to dinner, as we usually pay for and do so out of respect for parents now that we can afford to. I finally started the conversation about my course and the people that I was studying with at a good uni in London that I am lucky to attend and she blurted out in her rural vernacular “Well I speak the Queen’s English, ME!” and my partner and I looked at each other in disbelief. It was actually quite commical if not so desperate. She then proceeded to be rude to the foreign waitress for mishearing an order (it was very loud and forgivable as the dishes sounded the same). It was as if deliberately reaffirming her ‘status’ but comes off as a horrible snob. I used to work as an air hostess and spent a lot of time serving people. There is no excuse to talk to people that way when they make a small rectifiable mistake, it was rude on many levels.

I can live with it in small doses, the lack of filter, the blatent copying of things that we own and have around the house though it drives me insane she can’t do her own thing. I realise I have to work on myself and how I react to her, sometimes laugh about it, which I do! But deep down can I forgive? She had a troubled upbringing, so she is not right. My granddad was a patriachal abuser, and my gran was a passive enabler, and they stayed together as they did in those days. But do you know, it makes me cross…she has so much resource available to her today and that its incredible in her life she will never fully realise what she has done, she could help herself and learn from all of this just as we are having to do.

Right now I am on low contact and it will be like this for ever more, when or if I have young children I dont want them around her chain smoking narcisscism which is sad.

Apologies for the massive post, Its a weight off my mind to finally share… and if it strikes a cord with anyone else, its worth it. Would really appreciate your comments. Thanks.


Kris December 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Sounds like my NM aspires to be like your NM. Wishes she was British.

My mom had no pictures of herself up in the house. Not a very pretty lady with very bad teeth. She did have a picture of a queen on the wall with whom she shares a first name. Always acting haughty-taughty like she was from some high brow background which is absolutely not the case and lorded it over everyone always. Was arrogant to the supreme in bad mouthing us kids’ manners but she would belch and wolf down her food and couldnt set a table as proper as I could when I was 13 and i was a boy.

Same as you with the copying of everything. I bought a HE2 front load washer and she would carry on about how she bought a similar one as well, even though she still has a washer from the 80’s. Anything nice i have purchased she either carries on about something real or imagined that she has thats similar or better, either that or she tells everyone how irresponsible it was for me to buy such a thing and that is a peice of junk (my 30ft sailboat comes to mind, hard to BS about having one of those). My sister got into running so she got into running, despite the 30 year age difference, a 60 y.o. Woman shouldnt start training to enter marathons without a lot of prep work first.

When i got my first great job she would introduce me in the same way. “my son X who works for XYZ corp”. When i started running my own business from home then i was a two bit loser who needed to get a real job. After 10 years of working from home shes painted a picture of me so awful to family and her friends that she cant climb back down the tree, i got back into investment banking and everyone now hears how my new job is sketchy.

My mom constantly lies too. Both about me and to me. No filter at all – once i was over at her house for dinner and she had a friend over as a guest and started calling his dead mother a b**ch and a horrible nasty person, a matter my enabling father obliviously let unfold while he ate and it was me who needed to diffuse the situation. I had brought a girl over for that meal too – hardly a good first impression.

Theyre insane and there is no rational reason for why they act that way. Im no contact with them now and the games only continue.


Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 2:22 pm

You’re narcissistic mother staring at your mate is a common occurance among these woman who have unfulfilled and unlived lives. So unfulfilled and unlived that they use their daughter’s as an extensions of this dissatisfaction, literally living her unrealized dreams through her daughter. Consider Dr., Freud’s thoughts:

“Where the psycho-sexual needs of the woman are to be satisfied in marriage and family life, there is always the danger of dissatisfaction through the premature termination of the conjugal relationship and the monotony of the wife’s emotional life. The ageing mother protects herself against this by living through by living through the lives of her children. This emotional identification with the daughter may go as far with the mother that she also falls in love with the man her daughter loves.” Totem and Taboo, Sigmund Freud.

This conclusion is illustrating typical narcissistic boundary violations. The narcissistic mother simply does not see where her life ends and yours begins. Combine this with the notorious lack of empathy and sense of entitlement and you have the classic narcissistic intrusive mother.


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:28 pm

My NMom flirted with my boyfriend. I married him. Years later when I finally figured out that NMom had all the maternal narcissistic traits, I also figured out that my husband was being used when we were young. I didn’t see it, because we were young and in love. When I saw a picture 30 years later,,, My husband was sitting in moms lap when she visited for Thanksgiving. My NMom never loved me , her daughter,,,but she did love my boyfriend/husband. I am now NC. The abuse done to my daughter was too much. NMom did not come to my daughters wedding. I went NC…. My husband is stunned about it all, but then he is a narcissist also and birds of a feather stick together.


Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Ha! “I speak the Queen’s English, ME!” Gotta love it.


Samantha Ueno December 29, 2012 at 3:45 am

My NM has her own blog. lynnrandallmoyer.blogspot.com. She wrote this blog to claim that I have Asperger’s, after I came out on my own blog about how I was abused as a child. I asked her to get me a therapist and have me diagnosed if she really believed what she wrote, so far she has called me an asshole and a liar on Twitter and on the blog and told me I was disinherited. Nice, huh?


Noel December 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Your mother wrote: “Sad but true…I have faced the fact that she and I are not ever going to have a mother-daughter bond….we didn’t all along, although I tried, and we won’t.”

I’m so sorry for you. She is easy to diagnose, but alas it is not our role. Suffice to say, your mother has some serious issues.

Find your own peace!!!


Echo June 4, 2014 at 10:16 am

Your mother removed the blog it seems??? I have been reading posts like yours lately and understand your pain. I cannot speak no more though. Remember we all have our secrets but eventually the truth will come out. It’s just we’re all dancing round the mentioned family member. Scared to tell the truth so we dance instead.


Kevin Wolfe January 2, 2013 at 1:55 pm

My name is Kevin Wolfe, and I am the author of book scheduled for release in the late spring of 2013. The book is titled; “Jezebel’s child: A Biblical healing of abuse and addictions for daughter’s of narcissistic mother’s” Being the son of a narcissistic father was the beginning of my understanding of this insidious abuse, but it was not the inspiration for the nearly three year sacrifice that accompanied the research and writing of this book. The inspiration came through loving the daughter of a maternal narcissist. The narcissistic “smother mother.” Although narcisstic abuse is damaging through ignoring or engulfing,Daughter’s of maternal narcissistic parentification, or covert incest, simply are profoundly, inter personally challenged. That is, their ability to forge life long, intimate relationships with others has been compromised. This typically leads to isolation and loneliness. A breeding ground for addictive behaviors. If you are the daughter of one of these mothers, chances are, you’ve developed an addiction. Although, no one has a definitive answer to this abuse, I believe that I have offered knowledge and understanding throughout my writing. And as the Bible says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge.”

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic, smother mother, I am offering you the manuscript free of charge as a focus for this books final draft. you’re comments after reading the material would be greatly appreciated. For a free copy of this manuscript simply e-mail me @ lassiegethelp@live.com. God bless you.

Kevin Wolfe.


Wray January 31, 2013 at 9:08 am

I hope you realize that many children of N’s were abused by religion as well. The Bible was just another tool in their punishment.
I believe in God. But I would not buy a book, that used the Bible to help children of N’s but that’s my personal experience .
Good luck!


Lynn October 17, 2014 at 1:15 pm

The Bible is not to blame as a “tool” of punishment but the TWISTING and CHERRY PICKING out of context scripture, not the Bible’s fault but the NARCS. If one carefully reads the Bible, in particular the Book of Psalms, they will readily see that the Bible is Anti-Narcissism. King David laments again and again about “having furrows plowed in his back” by these monsters and about doing them good and having them return evil for it. Narcissism is just another word for Evil.


WSquared January 8, 2015 at 2:58 pm

Agreed with what you write here. I feel Wray’s pain not in spite of the fact that I believe in God, am religious, and I love Scripture, but because of those things.

…and I am more than aware of Scripture cherry-picking: the Bible then becomes a cudgel with which to whack other people. Moreover, one has to know how to interpret Scripture correctly, and therefore how to actually read it: the Bible is not self-evidently self-interpreting; there is no book in the Bible that will tell you that the Bible is the sole rule of faith or what books belong in the Bible.

I don’t think that everybody who cherry-picks Scripture means to abuse Scripture, but purposefully twisting Scripture is blasphemy: it makes God out to be a liar.


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:33 pm

Look up the word Reprobate in regards to scripture. Our NMoms or our NDads are Rebrobates and if they are tested for a long time and prove evil, they are reprobate Silver. God will use their hardened heart for his purpose ….they will be given many chances before this happens. It’s a Very hard concept to grasp that our parents are Evil and will never be accepted for heaven.


barwin January 3, 2013 at 12:14 am

Wow Kevin thank you. I have emailed you a little earlier to ask for the book.
My mother is a smother mother and it hit me just yesterday how our relationship
Has really been based on competition all my life – camouglaged in her ‘love’.
You are accurate in saying that our future relationships are coloured by this most
Important one. I have been lucky enough to have been in a church where people were
Genuinely committed to both asking real questions and listening. I hope other ACONs
Can find this experience too as I would still be as unaware and hurt if I hadn’t.
I’ve seen on this blog that acons often get attracted to narcissistic partners – and then
Feel guilty and foolish. This is not our fault I believe – it is a familiar relationship – one we
Have been trained into accepting.
Thanks for this blog michelle!!!!


barwin January 3, 2013 at 7:42 am

Hi I’m not sure if the following message did get posted or if I deleted it somehow:
Wow Kevin thank you. I have emailed you a little earlier to ask for the book.
My mother is a smother mother and it hit me just yesterday how our relationship
Has really been based on competition all my life – camouglaged in her ‘love’.
You are accurate in saying that our future relationships are coloured by this most
Important one. I have been lucky enough to have been in a church where people were
Genuinely committed to both asking real questions and listening. I hope other ACONs
Can find this experience too as I would still be as unaware and hurt if I hadn’t.
I’ve seen on this blog that acons often get attracted to narcissistic partners – and then
Feel guilty and foolish. This is not our fault I believe – it is a familiar relationship – one we
Have been trained into accepting.
Thanks for this blog michelle!!!!


tina January 6, 2013 at 12:29 pm

I have the perfect case in point. My GCsis tried to starve herself for attention after our dad died. Trust me, she is an N too. EVERYTHING was always about her, always grabbing for attention and thinking she was the star of the show. She came very close to dying. Long story short-now she is N-supply for our NM. She dresses like NM, wears her hair like NM, goes only places with NM, in fact only talks to NM. She is absolutely nothing like she was. It is one of the most freakiest things I’ve has witnessed first hand, maybe the freakiest. But NM is happy she has a minion with her at all times, like she always wanted, a role I filled until she decided me having children interrupted. With all this going for NM she decided to really assault me, Well, after all she no longer needed me. Which proved to be a blessing. Her behavior was sooo bad, I was able to get her out of my life for good. That was a year ago and I too am a different person, a FREE one!


Kris January 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm

Interesting Tina. My GC sister had a similar transformation as yours but my sister did the transformation immediately after having children. Its hard to tell how it started or what is going on, because, like your GC sister, my NM and GC sister are like two peas in a pod. Every Xmas they spend together, without any of the other siblings present. Every time my NM and EF visit the city (where I, my brother, and GC sis live, my sister lives only 3 hours drive away and has no problem coming up) they spend about two days with my GC sister and if they feel up to it try to cram in everyone else in some morning thing on their way out of town.

Unlike your scenario, with the children, ever since my GC sister had a child, I now never hear from her. I did try calling and connecting here and there, but never had my messages returned. At our sister’s funeral she asked me, “Are you upset with me or something? I never hear from you and I just want to make sure there isnt a problem between us”, to which I simply replied that I’d called many times over the previous 6 years but she never returned my call. I had no problem with her at all, other than her poor track record of returning messages.

I now realize though that the “problems” she was referring to were probably ficticious triangulations set in play by my NM. Words put in my mouth or somehing.

Like your GC sis, mine and my NM do starkly similar things. My GC sister starts running marathons, and my NM starts (at nearly 60!) jogging to try to get in good enough shape to run them with her. My NM travels six hours to the city to “help out and volunteer” at my nephew’s sports games, with my GC sister who always gets onto the organizing committee.

The cycle of Narcissism I beleive is certainly going to continue right down the line to my nephew – I doubt my GC sister will realize until it’s too late. Its truly incredible that my GC sister doesn’t realize that something is truly off; when my NM will travel for six hours to watch my nephew’s soccer game but wont drive for 25 minutes to pick one of the other siblings up from the bus depot on Christmas Eve.


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:24 pm

The NMom only pays attention to the person who listens to her lies. She will drive 5 hours to get to them. The NMoms’ own children, who disagree with her, will be devalued and discarded forever… The NMom can not love her own children. The NMom can only take and use.


Kevin Wolfe January 7, 2013 at 4:35 pm

This news might be of some interest to everyone. According to the American, psychiatric association, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders is removing “Narcissistic personality disorder” from their upcoming fifth edition. Let me see if i understand this correctly. An aggressive, insensitive and abusive personality disorder possessing a maternal lack of empathy for ones own child, that obviously leads to insidious child abuse that psychologically damages our future mothers for life, and modern medicine no longer wants to recognize it?

This is insane! In 1914, Dr., Freud, along with professor Jung, made it clear that this hidious disorder, present within parental figures, was, as were dicovering through this blog and others, culturally destructive.


Jocasta January 23, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Yes Kevin, I did know that was happening. It is a worry when sociologically speaking we are living in a narcissistic world these days – that is to say our whole culture is about survival of the fittest which requires you to think only of your own interests. It is not a good look !


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:39 pm

I believe one of the reasons it could be taken out, is the fight of good and evil. The lies of Evil and the hardened Reprobate heart which is evil. This is no surprise to me. It’s like the Harry Potter movie where the Evil name should NEVER be spoken or mentioned. Many therapists today don’t even want to use labels. Our government won’t name Evil. It is just another win for the father of lies.


Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm

WOW! now even the medical profession is falling for their lies and manipulation and sticking up for them. Leave it to me to have been a victim of a form of abuse that is considered a non-issue. It just fits the rest of my life!


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:44 pm

for Kathy,,, in the end,,, every knee will bend and every evil deed will be shown for what it is.Every person will have to answer for their wicked deeds. The sin of Pride is very serious. The Narcissist will never know love on earth they will only know ‘self’. It won’t be in our time Kathy that we will see justice. . I have had the same issues as you…. When I discovered that the narcissistic person was a Reprobate, it made me sick.


Kara May 16, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Perhaps – unfortunately – Nism is so widespread (ie as much as the common cold and as difficult to treat) that the doctors have given up on it and have no choice but to say “well go home and rest, that’s life, get on with it”. Because, I mean short of dispatching the N swiftly in a terminal fashion – or dispatching oneself from their immediate sphere of influence and making as damn sure as one can that one won’t be like them, or tolerate that sort of behaviour – because one doesn’t have to – there really is not a lot one can do.


Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 3:48 pm

My mom first chased away my father, who remarried. She was at her worst when I was transitioning from teen to young adult. I seriously considered “disappearing” and changing my name, moving 3000 miles away. I found a job, moved out (four miles down the road) and her instrusion continued. I married the first taker (error!) and moved 20 miles away (good move, actually.)

Predictably, I didn’t choose well, and the next relationship was even worse. The first was classically Histrionic, the second was a controlling closet cross-dresser. The one after that lasted 20 years, and was a classic emotionally abusive controlling Narcissist who was charming at first, and only let his colors show in private. Over the years it became a power struggle between him demanding to cross my boundaries, and me demanding that my boundaries not be crossed. In other words, I was unable to provide an increasingly abundant Narcissistic supply. Then I got very sick, and he actually said that friends had called “…and everyone wants to know how YOU are, but no one asks me how I’M doing?!”

It ‘s true that being raised like this ruins a person, then on an unconscious level, it feels “normal” to have someone invade your soul. I have overcome playing into it…but it has been a long, arduous road.


George January 21, 2013 at 9:32 am

Hi all. Love this site

Just wanted to thank everyone and tell them my story. I was raised by extreme cluster b narcissist, histrionic and borderline mother. Everyone thinks shes the “sweetest”lady but as the scapegoat I know best.
Am 30 years old officially moved out 7 months ago (was in and out during college and grad school).
Interestingly I picked up many of her narcissist traits and was a little tyrant up until my mid 20s then woke up. Now im learning more and trying to fix myself. Been focusing on my core and it HURTS LIKE HELL.

Been a good 7 months now where I have broken away from mother. She has been livid and we have been fighting ever since with very little respite. It doesnt take me very long to become equally if not more abusive than her. I will curse at her and call her the worst things which interestingly make her happy (strange calmness and quiet) comes over her once I start with the swearing and yelling.

The vicious backhand was her specialty growing up and now I have PTSD I flinch when my girlfriend goes to touch her face! Ive been slapped in the face over 500 times in my life. She used to bite me, dig her nails in, backhand me, throw objects, hit with shoes, belts, etc. Sometimes I would hit her back and she would go into histrionic melt down. She has interfered in every relationship of mine every single one and has caused my girlfriends to fear her and fear the relationship. She is grossly enmeshed with me and wants me ALL to herself. I am 90% scapegoat 10% golden child every now and then my older brother will do something she doesnt like and I will get swung into G child territory. Been dating a gorgeous girl single mother good mother to her daughter and this has brought “shame”to my family and I’m practically disowned as of now (good riddance). I have always used anger as a defense mechanism when mother tells me I wont be wanted for my decisions I respond with “good because scum like you dont need to be in my life either.” Even typing this now i feel hurt, sadness fear and RAGE. The anger is exhausting and I need to stop it.

To this day I question myself and hear her voice in my head. Trusting my own gut instincts is soooo incredibly difficult but i’m getting better at listening to myself. My father was very successful as a business man and he is narcissist too his mother was vicious to him its what he knows. He is nice to us and doesnt lose his temper or control of emotions BUT his acceptance has been conditional (certain careers and must marry woman from greek background otherwise his friends will laugh at him LOL). Mother always used wealth to control us “if you continue dating this girl we cannot support you financially” which then turns into emotional everything. If they are not in control then we get cut off. My brother has fallen victim to this trap he STILL lives at home has less than $1,000.00 in bank at most times. Spends all he makes which both parents support as that allows them to control him as brother expects to inherit a few million worth in business and property.

Sites like this one and others are life saving. Thanks for the good work I’ll be following for more


Roger January 21, 2013 at 11:50 am

Hi George,
It is so relieving to see another man who was a scapegoat and had to deal with some of the same things I did. You had written that your NM would become happy and calm when you would lash out at her, and that is because narcissists are always looking for your reaction. It is called narcissistic supply, and it is what they crave most. They don’t care if you are angry, happy, scared, etc. of them, as long as you are acknowledging them. I found the best way to help yourself and to not let your NM be in charge of your life is to ignore her, cut her off, and don’t let her see your emotions. When you get angry with her, it will only fuel the fire and she will use it against you any way she can. We have to stay strong and try not to let what has happened to us affect our lives now and in the future, especially since we realize there is no changing her.


Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:18 pm

George – I am so touched by your story. I thought my brothers had it good, but they obviously suffered deep trauma too. My brother is a drug addict and I can totally understand why. She pushes his buttons to start a fight and then calls the rest of us to cry and say how horrible he treated her. She gets triple mileage from each incident! Please know you are a good person and don’t deserve any of what has been your life. I pray for all my brothers and sisters who have grown up and survived the hell of child abuse. Thank you for sharing, you certainly helped my understanding and lightened my load.


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 6:52 pm

for George,,,they now know that if you have two parents that never validated the child,,,the child will grow into Borderline tendencies. When you described yourself, I saw myself. I had a drunk dad and a N mom. I went along with NMom and mimicked her at times , just like you. This is a common action that we did. It is common when the parent is a narcissist. You did it to survive. You are now aware , so don’t beat yourself up too much. You might want to read up on Borderline actions. I realized that I was having melt downs/panic attack type actions , because I had grown into a borderline with fears of abandonment …and in reality we were abandoned at birth anyhow so we might want to Just embrace this fact and try to stop the borderline antics.


Jocasta January 23, 2013 at 8:15 pm

This article pretty much covers all of my life. I got the whole box and dice ! Jealousy was her big suit though ! I am a woman into senior years now and NM recently died – having long done my grieving over not having a mother this was a non-event for me. I simply felt enormous relief over her inability to cause any more divide and conquer with my brothers who remain completely ignorant to the problem and joined in the scapegoating of myself.

Fortunately I had an innate desire to parent well long before I discovered NPD and that has gone pretty well. My one problem is that I am a creative person, always much to NM’s disdain as she was all business and though I did not totally become a copy of her which she tried to make me through silencing – ie ignoring me when I did not comply to become a clone, she won many a round and I worked in offices most of my life.

Yes, she won most of that battle, except my mothering role. However, now that my mothering years are over I want so much to go deeper into my creative life but keep running into fears and anxiety for doing so. Lately I put this at the door of the child inside being fearful of being ostracised and ignored so I am getting help for it.

I have found EMDR therapy, aka rapid eye movement therapy, used in post traumatic trauma cases as the most successful modality so far. I go back to when it happened through this therapy and clear the locked up fears. It goes on…..


Calendula February 23, 2013 at 11:29 am

I am 56, and to my NPD smother mother, I am an inept 5-year-old who is not capable of accomplishing much in life. When I get a promotion, or have a solution to a problem, or simply an article of clothing I purchased for myself, mother is so pleasantly surprised. “You did a GREAT job with that!” She thinks she is encouraging, while I am insulted and seething that she would think so little of her grown daughter that she is shocked when I show that I am competent and capable! People do not understand the dynamic.

She kept me infantilized during my adolescence and early adulthood, but since I was 85% scapegoat, I gave up on trying to please her, and fought my battle for the next 20 or 30 years. And, yet I still am rageful.

Mom is/was extremely concerned with the image that one puts forth, and highly critical of me, friends, strangers. This year, I have heard, “Your legs aren’t slender cute, like they used to be.” (After I had gone to great length to purchase the perfect dress for the occasion.) “Your friend Mary always looks so disheveled. People will think she is homeless. *sigh* I suppose her mother didn’t know any better.” (Mind you, Mary and I are old enough to be grandmothers, ourselves.) Or, driving past a local bus stop, seeing some random man in rumpled clothing and in need of a shave, but otherwise common-looking, evokes the sarcastic: “Look at THAT guy…don’t you wish you were married to HIM?” All of these statements are designed to make me want to step up my hair, makeup, clothes, to an unattainable level of impeccable perfection, so that the world at large won’t think I’m dumb, sloppy, etc.

When I was 30-ish, and moving out from my first marriage into a small FURNISHED apartment, mother decided not only to choose and purchase more furniture for me, but called to me when to be home to receive the unwanted item’s delivery! I first told her, “No, I do not have enough space for more furniture. I cannot use it, thanks, anyway.” She responded, “But it was on sale. They are coming at 2pm.” I left another message telling her “Please cancel the delivery. I cannot be there at that time, and I do not want it, anyway.” The next message back to me was her shrieking, “WHERE ARE YOU? I TOLD YOU TO BE THERE AT TWO! THEY ARE CALLING ME! YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL AND I DON’T DESERVE IT!!” I never discovered the outcome of the delivery, (I purposely stayed away) and I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. Only people in this thread and situation will understand. Persons raised by “normal” mothers say “I wish my mom would buy me furniture” or “Are you nuts? You turned down free stuff?” or “Why in the world would you not appreciate the gift?” Answer: because in would have reinforced her seeing me as a 5-year-old. No thanks. Plus, I made it very clear that it was a bad idea, and that while I appreciated her efforts, I did not want, and could not utilize or house the item. She chose to bulldoze as a mechanism of control, and I would not have it. Yes indeed, getting away and distancing from this type of mother can be ugly, and people on the outside do not get it.

Or, when she treated me and my cousin to a theatrical performance last year. Just before the performers were to come out and take their bows, I wanted to get a jump on the traffic and whispered, “Thank you for this…I’m going to go now so that I’m not stuck on the highway. Bye!” And proceeded to escape. She proceeded to tell all of her friends and every family member that I had screamed at the top of my lungs, “I’m outta here!” (Again, an ungrateful, spoiled brat) This was a flagrant lie, and fortunately my cousin later laughed off the allegations on my behalf. Absolutely infuriating! And, as usual, people who hear the story do not believe the true facts!!


Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:11 pm

OMG! That is my life! god bless you!


Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 3:08 pm

As I said during the initial post, ONLY people who have grown up with a NM understand. It’s completely crazy-making to try to spill your heart to a friend or co-worker whose mother is supportive and helps her kids morph into self-sufficient adults. They are suspicious. Why don’t you “just” stand up to her? Simple, right? Why are you sounding so ungrateful of your loving, nurturing mothers’ selflessness? Why would you reject her “gifts?”

Out of context, our outraged reaction to our mothers intrusive, controlling, judgmental, demeaning, infantalizing behavior ends up sounding like the rant of a spoiled brat. We are adults, demanding to be seen and treated as such. But the uninitiated are skeptical.

Admittedly, it’s completely unfair that we should HAVE to fight and scream and play hard ball simply to get the respect that other comtemporaries are offered simply by turning 22 years old! It has been 25ish years of active battle, and I recently got, “Yes, you were SO oppositional!” Yeah, small wonder. I was lucky, though, that my father’s family was normal-ish, so I at least had a fightin’ chance with other role models.


Anonymous January 24, 2015 at 6:42 am

My mother was just like yours and I am in my 50s. She died 10 years ago but in 1994 told me I had ruined her life. I am experiencing reoccurring nightmares since my father died 3 weeks ago. I never had children because I figured she would take them from me and I would never measure up. Had a bad marriage and now I am alone and need help but don’t know what to do.


Jane Doe February 26, 2015 at 7:12 pm

Calendula,,,take it from an old gal,,,don’t bother trying to make your appearance perfect for NMom. I used to cut out my cloth tags with the sizes. Nothing I wore and my hair cuts were all wrong in NMom’s mind and she would let me know how inadequate I was…. After I read the book Will I Ever Be good enough, I started to see why. The purpose for us scapegoats,,,, is to stand still,,,,, so we can get some good kicks from dear old mom… and Just be still and allow them to verbally abuse us to death. There is no pleasing a narcissistic mother. The only thing there is about a NMom that is the truth, is to LEAVE her permanently for No Contact. I took too much crap for years about my appearance and was always nervous about my clothes, weight, and hair for way too long… I really wasted way too much of my life worrying about how I could please her and make her love me. There is no pleasing a SNAKE.


DXS March 15, 2013 at 6:25 pm

My mom fits the definition of narcissistic, but she is more “covert” than overt. My entire life, I always felt she was trying to “control” me, but I couldn’t point to anything concrete. She denies the “control” as cannot point to anything “concrete.” When I was a child, my mom would quote the “to thine own self be true” thing. But the “message” that I REALLY heard was: “Be true to yourself as long as it’s what Dad and Mom want you to be.” And I got the “When you grow up you can make your OWN choices” thing. But the “message behind the message” that I “heard” was: “As long as those choices are what your Dad and Mom would have done.”

As a child, I never really felt I had her “approval.” But then again, I was a bit of a precocious child growing up in a small small town. I didn’t ” fit” with society there. As a child, I announced that when I grew up I was going to move FAR AWAY. The response was, “No you won’t, no you won’t, you will change your mind and decide to live real close.” (Translation: “What all good daughters do…..”) When I grew up, I DID move 3,000 miles away and it was the best thing I ever did. That was when I finally found out who *I* was. And I realized what was really going on.

I had to “fake it” to get Mom’s approval. I transferred this to relationships. If I saw any bit of “disapproval” in a guy I was dating, instead of giving him the heave ho, I struggled to “Be what he wanted me to be.” Then, I would put on that “act” for 2.5 years, then break up because I wanted ME back. This became my pattern, and even in my 50’s (I never married, by choice) I find I cannot shake this.

As mentioned in one of your articles, I have some “complications” that prevent me from doing a “sever of ties.” And these “complications” have been used to attempt to manipulate me. I have found ways around them.

I’m working to try to improve my relationship with my Mom, but she doesn’t want to be held accountable. She wants me to “forget the past and move on.” I want her to “account for her actions.” I may not succeed.


Kathy March 17, 2013 at 3:08 pm

I “accidentally” discovered a book about Narcissistic mothers. I was always so confused, always knew something was amiss, always struggled for freedom, lov, and safety. I can’t sleep late, sit quietly and enjoy a movie, drive over a bridge, relate to people who love their mothers, the list goes on. I read the words on this blog and others and realize that I am not alone. Growing up, my brother hated me. I got married at 17 because I thought my narcissistic (and as it turned out, gay) husband loved me and would help me have a good life. I went from the frying pan into the fire! Twenty-five years later, divorced, my life in shambles and still she continues to suck me dry. I can never give enough money, gifts, physical labor, compliments, time, phone calls, the list goes on too. I walk a tight rope that extends over the pit of hell. One tiny mistake and I am burned alive. Only those who have been victim to her crazy making believe I am not the problem. She tells people how horrible I am while she manipulates me to get EVERYTHING she wants. If she doesn’t destroy my relationships herself, she gets me jumping through so many hoops and performing so many tricks on her stage that the man eventually can’t stand being part of a 3 ring circus anymore and runs to save his own sanity. She was so good at it and I was so deep in denial that I never even knew what was going on. I thought all mothers acted that way! She had me convinced that every man I ever talked to was using and manipulating me. That by them asking for normal, they wanted too much and I should listen to her to save myself. I am only good enough when I am an object she can brag on. I constantly have to be “on”, perfect, giving, and never, ever, ever complaining or tired or even relaxed. I have to have a career she can brag on, possessions she can flash to her friends, travel that makes us look glamorous, etc. The saddest part of all of this is that she is such a gifted liar and manipulator that no one believes me – I have been told to respect my mother, to stop being selfish, and even to stop lying about her because she is such a good person. I moved away in 1983 and am just starting to hear some of the stories she tells about me and how ungrateful and uncaring I am. Until now she hid what she had to say about me quite well, but because I have reconnected with friends from elementary school and defiantly started creating ties with my family, I am learning a lot. It is just sooooooooo frustrating.!!! And, it is heart breaking that I have never been able to have a real life because of her. I have probably lost the love of my life because of her interference. It stinks – I have been so CHEATED!


Gina January 13, 2014 at 10:38 am

Boy I can understand what you are saying…. I too am dealing with this


Kara May 16, 2014 at 1:18 pm

I have got to the stage where if my mother said she was embarrassed about me (as, laughably, she clearly is) I would say, “Good, I’m glad I embarrass you, what would I want to impress a little sh*t like you for, I’ve got bigger sh*ts to impress, you are only small fry my dear!”.
The best thing one can do is learn to laugh at the narcissist as they are so deprived, really. Without having anyone to boast/ complain about, they are nothing.


Glenda March 28, 2013 at 2:47 am

Until today I always thought it was something about me that made my mother treat me the way she did. I stumbled across ‘maternal narcissist’ purely by accident, it was tagged at the end of a tv programme. When I researched it today I just could not believe that this is my mother exactly. I am the only daughter with five brothers, while my brothers played as children I was inside being taught to lay a 5-course dinner table, even though we never had dinner guests as my mother did not have friends. All my life my every action has been rated as worthy or not. Worthy of her and her acquaintances approval and/or admiration. I was made to play the piano so I could play at her meetings, she would then get praise for her daughter. those people didn’t know that at 9 yrs of age I had to walk 30 minutes to and from my music lesson on my own in the dark. I was sent to a posh boarding school, this also made her look good, I hated that school but my protestations fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t allowed to like anyone, not even my own father. I wasn’t allowed to be happy that my paternal grandmother was talking to me on the phone, jealous I guess. My brothers to this day have no idea and like others have mentioned, she has made me out to be a horrible person when I have resisted her control or retaliated to her nasty, cruel put-downs. She is the only woman I know who gets no joy from her children or grandchildren, she puts each of us down to each other then pretends she is the rescuer, when she is actually the instigator. My brothers have listened to her so I have no voice in my family. She has divided us all and I now have separated myself from them all as a result. I have grieved for the mothering I was entitled to as a right of birth, the mothering I never ever received. I always felt that my mother hated me from the day I was born, because I was a girl. When a group of men attempted to rape me when I was 13 yrs old she sent me to my grandparents out of town because it made her look bad. I could go on and on but I won’t, we all have similar stories, those of us with narcissistic mothers. My own children are loved and adored by their mother, I am so proud of them.


Sue Davey March 29, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Thank you for this site which is enabling me to feel a little less isolated.
Yesterday I became 72 which is a long time to struggle with not knowing who you are and not knowing how it feels to have loving support in your life. My mother is 94 and still manipulating even though Golden Boy died unfortunately 9 years ago, but even his illness proved to be an inconvenience to her. I long to be free but realise that it will never be easy and the previous writer’s comments all make sense. My mother is incapable of giving
in any way shape or form, she seems emotionally bereft and the expression “the person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing” fits perfectly. She has betrayed me in so many ways throughout my life and I cannot trust her. These mothers are the cause of so much damage to their children’s psyche, I hope and pray that I shall be able to rectify this with my own daughter and my grandchildren.
A lifetime of trying to understand what was wrong with me has been a lifetime of wasted energy. I could have achieved anything with just a little support and interest instead of everything being about her.
I have found that the only way to survive is to concentrate on your own abilities . Nurture your creativity, get involved in something that you love doing with positive people who are kind and constructive. And above all,remember that narcissism is on the increase and be positive and encouraging to everyone you meet. That way we can all help each other. Love to all of you out there.


Steffani April 27, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Hello, I am a 13 year old girl with an N mother.
At first I was hesitate to say that, but while reading stuff on this site last night, Mom got in one of her rages (there had been some water on the sink counter from when I had washed dishes earlier and she had leaned against it and got her pj top a little wet. She then started yelling at me, questioning why I always do this to her, why do I always try and ruin her life. It ended with me making her blueberry muffins as an apology while she lay on the couch watching TV)
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started questioning if our relationship was of a normal single mother and only child daughter. Needless to say, it is not normal to be told starting at age 4 about how you ruined her life and how she will sell you to the orphanage if you misbehave around anyone.
She has nearly pushed me to suicide by some of the stuff she has said. The only thing that stopped me was the fear of what she would do or say to others about me if I was gone.
She uses reverse psychology to make implant in my mind that it’s MY fault that Dad isn’t around anymore, it’s MY incompetence that Dad didn’t want me anymore (what really happened was that she threatened him to pay this large sum of money or to never see me again- age 5)
She always tells me everything that happened at work, who wasn’t there, who was just sitting around, while she had to do their job plus hers, and every cute guy she sees and how they must be single and how pleased they were when she handed them her number. But if I tell her about something that is happened that day that does not involve gossip, she will flat out tells me how she isn’t even going to listen so I shouldn’t even tell her about it.
Started in 5th grade she made me wear makeup, didn’t teach how to use makeup, just gave me some of her old makeup and told me to wear it every day to school. I had learned how to do makeup from YouTube, which is where I got into neutral tones with lots of browns. So that was what I wore every day, a little bit of brown eye-shadow, and it made Mom beyond pissed, because I wasn’t doing my makeup like her (sparkly green eye-shadow on the lips, purple eye-shadow for the brow-bone, caked on liquid foundation with no powder to make it not greasy and oily looking, blush as pink as pink can be, and hot, HOT pink lipstick) and because she is convinced that browns wash her out, therefore must wash me out. (it wasn’t until I was 8 that i was even allowed to wear brown, when my grandmother had bought me a brown shirt, and she couldn’t say in front of her mother’s face that it looked terrible on me, which it didn’t) Every morning for years she would tell me that I need to wear more makeup, that it’s pointless to wear any if people can’t tell that I am.
When she started losing weight (she’s 5’2″ and 160 pounds) every time I ate more than her, she would tell me how I’m going to be fat. I started thinking that I was really was fat, and started refusing to eat in front of others. Then, from all her sneaking food in the middle of the night and two lunches a day, she stopped losing weight and gained it all back. During this time, I had lost 5 pounds of baby fat, and I was nearly underweight at 95 pounds. Mad that I was nearly half her weight, she started complaining that I don’t eat enough, and started forcing me to eat twice as much as a normal person, yet still telling me that I was going to be fat when I was older (makes so much sense!)
She constantly still telling me things about how worthless i am, makes me fear her if I do anything wrong in her eyes, having to constantly keep secrets from her in fear of what she will do. My friends don’t even want to come over to my house, because she scares them. I have to tell her where I am at all times and if i’m gone for longer than a few hours, she starts complaining about how lonely she is and how she wants me home, only to ignore me when I am home. she tells me my dreams will never come true, that i’m going to be stuck under here, taking care of her for the rest of my life. She has even told me which house i am going to live in and what gender my children are going to be. She as stolen money from me (hundreds of dollars), gotten rid of things that I value, just because to her it was something that just took up space, and tries to make me just like her, only to get pissed when she notices that i am not like her. She is a true devil of a Ginger.
I’m sick of this and just want to be free from her rule, but because of laws, I’m stuck here, under her house, under her rule, unable to work, unable to save up money that she can’t get a hold of, unable to dream, and unable to to stop any of the abuse. And this is just a small amount of what she has done.


Karen July 9, 2013 at 12:58 pm

I finally moved out of my parents house when I was 27. Nearly 3 years later, I was engaged to marry. My mother wanted to control my wedding. She said if I married in the Catholic Church, then she would pay for the wedding. My soon to be husband was not Catholic and I no longer attended mass. In order to get married in the Catholic Church, my husband would have to convert to Catholism. I knew he would not and so I turned down my mother’s “offer”.
She became enraged, made a lot of snide remarks and angrily said she would not attend our wedding! She wanted me to speak with her priest. I saw no need to. More venom spewed from my mother’s mouth. Four months later, we were married in a friend’s back yard. My mother grudgingly attended, but wore sun glasses the whole time. I ignored her and had a glorious day. When I look back on it, I denied her the ATTENTION she wanted. She was the mother of the bride, but she was given no honor. She refused to sit next to my mother in law because as my mother said “she’s divorced”, so my bother sat between them. My mother had divorced friends, but all of a sudden the marital status of my mother in law was the issue. I heard from my youngest brother, that on the way home from the wedding, my father told my mother that her behavior at the wedding was embarrassing. She then threw a temper tantrum and wouldn’t speak to him for a week! My mother always has to be the center of attention. When my brother died 7 years ago, my mother was quite animated and excited about planning the goings on at the funeral and dinner after wards.
My brother’s memory should have been the focus. My mother made it all about her and she played the role of the grieving mother….all for the attention. You can’t get any more twisted than that!


Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 4:45 pm

Yup, I get it. My first wedding was HERS. ..everything literally from my underwear to the food choices. The logic was that SHE was paying for it. She was uptight that day, and called me the next day to complain about wedding guests behaviors. (Ie: “your husband’s friend doesn’t have any manners, the champagne was not to be poured at the table.” Or “Susie is dumb. She couldn’t figure out how to use the elevator”) She picked apart every misstep of the day, implying poor breeding, drunkeness, bad fashion sense or plain bad manners displayed by my friends, his friends, and/or his family.

Years later, at my second wedding, I chose everything, the venue, the seating, my own dress, my hair, my flowers, the menu, his suit & tie, etc. She would ask during the planning, “How are you wearing your hair?” I would describe and draw the hairstyle I had in mind, and in her typical manipulative way, she would respond, “Ew! That’s going to be UGLY! You should let ME choose your hairstylist.” It’s insulting enough that she let it be known that she didn’t approve or my taste, or that I could have enough common sense to an choose appropriate ‘do, but to imply that I was dumb as a post, and therefore needed her input at age 37 to choose a proper cosmetologist?? My response was “Well, guess what? You’ll have to be seen with me and have photos taken that day, with my ‘ugly’ hair do! ” Then, after the event, she went on an on about how beautiful everything was, especially to her friends. She was surprised that her friends shrugged and nodded, as if to say “Yeah, so?” When she was campaigning for them to be astounded that I was capable of choosing hair, dress, venue etc. that was pretty and wedding-y without her butting in and taking over.


WSquared January 8, 2015 at 4:49 pm

I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience with your mother trying to control your wedding– something she should never have done, Catholic or not.

I’m also Catholic, and hopefully an orthodox one. I also deal with difficult people often, some of whom also have narcissistic tendencies– including some cases of hovering and smother love. It is truly awful to see a person use the Church for purposes of manipulation, or to make marrying in the Church about themselves. True, a baptized Catholic is subject to Canon Law, and must marry in the Church, so your mother may well have acted out of duty, but behaved in a way that is truly unfortunate: love, understood correctly as an ordered act of the will that wills the good of the other, does have duties, but duty alone is not love. There was also no need for such legalistic behavior about your fiance’s conversion. It is simply not true that he would’ve had to convert to Catholicism to marry you in the Church: a Catholic may marry a non-Catholic in a ceremony in the Catholic Church, but simply cannot marry within Mass, out of respect for both the Eucharist and the non-Catholic spouse’s beliefs. Logically, a person who does not believe that the Eucharist is Jesus Christ in Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity should not receive it, lest they eat and drink judgment on themselves. Being judgmental about your mother-in-law being divorced is also highly unnecessary, and so there was some acting out on your mother’s part.

It’s also sad whenever any Catholic leaves the Church and/or marries outside the Church, and if their parents’ selfish behavior might’ve contributed to their leaving. It’s always sad when individuals and/or a married couple miss(es) out on what God wants to give them in abundance through the Sacraments of the Church– unconditional love in abundance (a love that is always there whenever the chips are down and we think we have nothing), the necessary grace that will help their marriage endure, the grace to consistently love God and others as they deserve to be loved according to their human dignity, *especially* when it is hard, and of course to live in the fullness of the Truth. Those are reasons to marry in the Catholic Church, and not because your mother “insists” that you do. They are also among the reasons to be Catholic, and not because you were “born and raised Catholic.”

It is you who decides whether or not to practice the faith, not your mother: you are a capable adult who makes choices both for good and for ill. Whatever your mother or anyone else thinks, God loves you unconditionally, and is always waiting to welcome you back; you are just one confession away from coming home. Moreover, submission to God– of which the Church is Christ’s Body– simply means submission to no-one or nothing that is not God, which is actually very helpful in rationally and charitably combatting narcissistic behavior of any sort: very much included in the “nothing or no-one that is not God” is your mother. Your mother is not God, nobody died and made her God, and she has no right to insist that she occupy so central a role in any of her adult children’s lives, let alone demand that her adult children “obey” her.

I also went through what you did, too, having already dealt with manipulative, narcissistic tendencies in the not-so-distant past: I had to deal with a family member who wanted to control our wedding, too, including the venue, and kept volunteering suggestions that we never asked for. Given the pressure, we were just about ready to just have the Nuptial Mass in our Sunday best and then buzz off somewhere (nothing, after all, dictates that a Catholic wedding needs to be “fancy” and with “all the trimmings”). But it was precisely the Church and her teaching that allowed me to put my foot down and stand my ground when I needed to. I had some supportive family members, though, so I could not only delegate, but move the wedding to another country. The priest who married us also ignored the person who wouldn’t leave us alone about our wedding when they volunteered their opinion during our wedding rehearsal, which of course they didn’t like (that priest was a relief during a trying time). I went in, knowing that the Catholic Church was and is there for me, and would go to bat for me. I hope that one day, you will discover that the Catholic Church and Catholicism are more than your mother, more than what you grew up with, and more than what you hear in the mass media; Catholicism is logically consistent, and the Church will go to bat for you, too, if you let her: her Magisterium will tell you that the Church really does love brilliant, strong women, regardless of what so many people think or have been led to think. Whenever and if you’re ready and willing, what it actually means to be Catholic is in books like Catholicism for Dummies, Benedict XVI’s three book-length interviews with Peter Seewald, “Salt of the Earth,” “Light of the World” and “God and the World” and Fr. Robert Barron’s Word On Fire.org. God bless you.


Karen July 9, 2013 at 1:09 pm

I forgot to say that my mother tried to make me a duplicate of herself, just as you wrote.
All my life, she’s made snide remarks about how she doesn’t know how the two of can be related, because I’m not like her. Thank God for that! Why would I want to be like that witch?! There were many times when I felt like I was competing against her. She played the piano, so I was made to take piano lessons. But of course she was always the better player.
She sewed, so I took sewing lessons. She was better at that too. She played tennis and she started taking me to the tennis courts. She didn’t like it when I became better than her!
She made snide remarks when I had no interest in the things she was interested in. She wanted a clone of herself! Like the world needs another!


cheshire monique September 14, 2013 at 9:00 am

I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother in a triangulation with my brother, the golden child, me being the scapegoat child….My mother will be 93 years old in December an me, I have just reach 65 what is a miracle….As because the suffering I have been put trough I could have been dead in many different ways…Even if I can say without modesty I was very bright, educated (despite my mother), worked with psychologists and psychiatrists, it is only quite recently that I have understood the reasons of my extreme sufferings, tortures, etc…By the way I am a French citizen living in England to escape my mother,….I wrote a book on my life up to my 14 years of age,…A new one is on his way…my life because my horrendous narcissistic mother has been a novel despite me,,,Humour had a big part in my salvation and I thought it is a book to be made in reporting the most unbelievable anecdotes born of the perversity of the narcissistic mother…Maybe you should tell us…


cheshire monique September 14, 2013 at 9:37 am

To make a start on my own idea… I am then about 13 years old…My mother hates to give me anything to wear remotely decent, new, attractive, at my size…Anything nice would be like giving “jam to a pig”…..I wear things given away by her colleagues or coming from charity that do not fit me in size, in age and in style and shape….I have to wear them until they fall in pieces around me…Having realized my disdain for my father who beats me up (mainly on her orders) and my despising of his unacceptable bodily reactions, she had the idea to have clothes made in my father old trousers…The dressmaker she choose for the job is old, wrinkly, cheap and severe, in fact she is an excellent pro with a golden heart that manage to make nice clothes out of nothing but my mother does not know it…She, the lady dressmaker, then makes me a sexy grey skirt out of my father old trousers…Far too sexy…Seems to be !…One morning when I was just trying to get ready for school I cannot find this grey skirt,..and I have nearly nothing decent to wear especially in a religious school…I look everywhere and I cannot find it…In despair I leave with a rolled in bowl skirt I found in my mother cupboard….And my My mother has not seen it and is reproaching me my usual untidiness But at the week-end, during a meal, she (my mother) asks me to pass her the bread..The bread is nowhere to be found and not at its usual place…I have to decline to provide the demanded good but my mother précised ….”The bread is in a bread bag behind the door”….That is new and I move the door and effectively it is a bread bag…made in my grey skirt….”


Susan September 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

What about narcissistic daughters who project their narcissism onto their mothers?


Dom November 22, 2014 at 8:29 am

Proper child rearing would avoid that…habits like that are learned/conditioned


Gina January 13, 2014 at 10:31 am

I am an older adult child of a Narcissistic Mother. I never realized until I googled what Is Wrong with me…. I have thought all these years it was me…. My mother has always been a self centered, pity me, tuck me under your wing and pay for my entire life, guilt flinging woman…she manipulates everyone and especially me ( I am the youngest of 4 ). I have paid for every thing she just ” can’t live without” and if I don’t the rath will hit….You don’t love me, you want me to go live in Texas with your brother and you won’t see me again….One day you won’t have me and then what ?
I have listened to this all my life there is just so much it’s unreal….
The other day is when things really blew up. I called after work to see how things were going and right out of the gate ” I need a new 46″ TV, I can’t see the small print on this one, when can you get me that ? ” Me, Mom I am not buying a new TV, I am still paying for x-mas. I can’t keep paying for everything, I have 3 kids and 4 grandkids. I said I am always paying for everything for you… she said ” Oh is that a problem “…..and it went on for a few more minutes until I said I could work 24/7 and give you my paychecks and it would never be enough. Later she called back and left a message ” Come get the Bed, Chair, Table, etc…. I don’t want you to buy me 1 more thing ever the rest of my life….I have stood tall and have not contacted her… I am venting on here because it sounds like I am not the only one who gets treated like this and it helps to vent….Thanks for letting me….. : – )


Franchesca February 9, 2014 at 5:30 pm

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Anonymous September 9, 2014 at 3:35 am



Mimi June 9, 2014 at 12:14 am

Please explain to me why my mom’s entire family, and my two brothers, cannot see that her behaviour is seriously abnormal, that she says outrageous things and spreads malicious lies all the time. Why do they believe all the horrendous lies about me, and other delusions, when there is no proof whatsoever?

Now she is 80, and because I have refused to visit her for the past 15 years because I couldn’t take the slander, delusions etc any more, she is now twisting the whole thing around and spreading the story that I am neglecting her. I just can’t win. Now and then some relative contacts me to ask “what is wrong between you and your mother. You should go see her as she is getting older now.” I know she is canvassing sympathy from her family, naming me by name. So, I make a point of depositing money into her account regularly, which I cannot afford, but at least I can prove that I am not neglecting her.

Why can’t they see through her??? Seriously abnormal behaviour is seriously abnormal! Is the whole family sick? I have tried to explain how she treats me, but it is futile. They don’t even listen.

Once in a blue moon, I text or phone her, but every time I can see that she has not changed one little bit. I know I will never be free of the slander, until her life is over. She even contacted my boss at two different companies (that I know about) to tell them that I had “beaten her up”, which is completely untrue.

I wish I could move to the other side of the planet and change my name, so she could never track me down.


Yesmetoo December 7, 2014 at 9:05 am

Wonderful point!

Why don’t others see this? I think half the world are either abusers and those who admire them and the most of the rest have no intelligence.
It is only usually those of us who see it and call it what it is, abuse!


Lydia July 1, 2014 at 1:32 pm

This site is a rare opportunity for a daughter of a narcissistic; Here, I can be heard and valued. Reading through every ones’ stories has given me a sense of freedom. It’s not me! It’s not all my fault! I am the right person. My narcissistic mother had me fooled all these years that somehow I was the problem. My mother is a master manipulator and liar. She is all cloak and dagger, knowing how her words will affect me while being seemingly kind to those in earshot. She is so passive aggressive with her comments that I question whether it’s her or me. One of her favorite comments it that I’m an incapable female. I wonder if she is right since I’m a housewife. After I sent her flowers two birthdays in a row, she said, “There just like the ones last year.” Maybe she was right. Maybe I should have been more creative. During one of her visits I purchased new pillows for her. Upon her departure, she gave me one of her ancient stained pillows from her camper and said, “Take this pillow, yours are too soft and flat.” It’s been this way for 45 years. She ignores me until she has something demeaning to say, whichever hurts more. I haven’t spoken to her for several years but I’m having a tough time breaking the psychological ties and letting go of the mother-daughter fairytale. It is worse having a narcissistic mother than not having a mother, or is it? Is it better to be maltreated so that I can keep my hope of having a good mom alive? Am I ready to be motherless?

It has helped me a great deal knowing my mother would be narcissistic whether I was born or not. Her behavior is nothing personal, its just who she is. It all boils down too the fact, I was just born to a bad person. Who she is has nothing to do with me. It’s all about her.

My dance card is full. I refuse to go one more round with her. I always lose anyway so I will bow out as gracefully as possible. I will accept who she is and say walk away.


Ann July 1, 2014 at 10:04 pm

I twirled around and around, my arms flew freely and a smile stretched across my face. Way too soon, dizziness and gravity became my enemy. I fell to the floor expelling giggles and laughter. Then I heard my father sing, “Wee wee wee all the way home.” I staggered to his side, still drunk with dizziness, and kissed his wee wee. I then stood at attention as he rubbed his hand up and down my little body. After I was released from my soldiers pose, my mother walked into the room and asked my father, “Do you want some eggs?”

This is a horrific memory about my father’s behavior but I ask you to focus instead on my narcissistic mother’s. She was so emotionally disconnected from my needs and concerned with her own contentedness that she chose to enable my father instead of standing up for my rights. She chose the path that was the most beneficial to herself at the cost of her four year old daughter’s innocence.


Angie July 9, 2014 at 9:42 am

Sounds like my mother and my enabling father. I am in the process of distancing myself from my mother and the rest of her recruits (family) by moving out of state….3 months and counting.


Evelyn August 6, 2014 at 7:46 am

I have to admit that I feel lucky reading all these cases. Yes, I have horrible stories about my life with my mentally disable narcissistic mother just like everyone else here. But I was the only child of a single mother. I always wished I had a father and/or siblings so I would maybe have a better life and I would not feel so lonely in this sad life of mine.
I am so glad now knowing that life would actually be way worst having them!!!! Thanks to this site for this knowledge <3
I would just make a list of few things:
– she met, when I was still a toddler, a rich married man who she still tell everyone that he is my biological father. He always been a sweet heart for me, thanks to him I had a good example in my life so I could the successful daughter of NM type as I read in the book "will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride (an excelent book about daughter of narcissistic mother). He never lived with us but always gave a lot of money to my mother.
– my mother never worked because of this money so she would always have someone taking care of me. It was a good deal for her so she could have her love affairs with many different individuals and/or spending the day at the hair salon. The only problem, more then not spending time with me, I was been beating up by all these different women and of course by her when she was taking care of me.
– she tried and still try to make me a little her… It never worked and I was mentally and physically abused because of it. I moved out of the country (Brazil) when I was 27 years old. The physical abuse stoped but the psychological abuse got worst until about 3 years ago when I finally got a therapist that told me that my mother is a narcissist.
-since then I have been treated for co-dependence book "The Diseases to please"
Bad thoughts "the imp of the mind"
Histrionic Personality with the book with the same name… these symptoms are more persistents but I am better than before reading the book.
The journey has been painful but it has been paying off. I am in process of keeping as little as possible contact with her, which is hard for her, but life is sooooo much better.
Everyone here should know that there is cure for your soul. You have to first keep her away from you; find out all the damage taking care of them like I listed above and life will shine. I finally got to the point where I was healthy enough to meet a mentally e emotional healthy man to call husband and I am pregnant of my second child.
I also advise to read books to help you to be a good mother because WE DO NOT HAVE references to do it right. I highly advise "Unconditional Parenting" by "Alfie Kohn.
"It's OK NOT to Share…" By Heather Shumaker


anonymous2 September 13, 2014 at 9:22 pm

I am so glad to find kindred spirits on this site.I have been abused by my nm right from babyhood I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child. I was told I couldn’t come near him or touch him. She would often threaten me. She didn’t physically abuse me, but she would get my father,maid, or brother to do it if she was displeased with me. Once when I was seven, she stuck a Sharp pencil in my arm because I got a c in my report card. All the rest were A s. That’s when I realised I couldn’t please her. She mAde it clear that she didn’t want a smart daughter. So to please her I started to self sabotage. But even then there wAs no respite. She would frighten me into toeing the line that she had drawn up for me. It was clear in her eyes that my brother was the hero and I the zero so to speak. My dad loved me but she made sure that we didn’t get close. When I was 13 she asked me whether my father had touched me inappropriately. You can imagine my shock pain and confusion. Thereafter I avoided my dad completely. She told me that she didn’t expect me to do well academically because I was lazy, stupid, disorganised and sickly. I was an asthmatic and my parents called me sick wOman. One night she held a knife to her chest and told me that if I went to sleep she would kill herself. she made my life so miserable by rewarding me if I did badly and punishing me if I did well. She competed with me in the looks Department as well. I was made to be ugly duckling even though I was pretty. She would often say things like you’re no big deal, you are an also ran.etc. In her eyes she was perfect. She considered herself‭ to be a victim. My father was the villain of the piece who had made her life a living hell. The truth was that she married my father for his money. He has given her millions. To the outside world she make it to look like she has earned it herself. I am a self m made woman is her favourite line. She doesn’t want to give me any of the inheritance. According to her it’s the son who should inherit the bulk of the family fortune since he will carry on the lineage. To cut a long story short, my mother is a toxic narcissistic parent who I will never be rid of.


anony2 September 13, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I am so glad to find kindred spirits on this site.I have been abused by my nm right from babyhood I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child. I was told I couldn’t come near him or touch him. She would often threaten me. She didn’t physically abuse me, but she would get my father,maid, or brother to do it if she was displeased with me. Once when I was seven, she stuck a Sharp pencil in my arm because I got a c in my report card. All the rest were A s. That’s when I realised I couldn’t please her. She mAde it clear that she didn’t want a smart daughter. So to please her I started to self sabotage. But even then there wAs no respite. She would frighten me into toeing the line that she had drawn up for me. It was clear in her eyes that my brother was the hero and I the zero so to speak. My dad loved me but she made sure that we didn’t get close. When I was 13 she asked me whether my father had touched me inappropriately. You can imagine my shock pain and confusion. Thereafter I avoided my dad completely. She told me that she didn’t expect me to do well academically because I was lazy, stupid, disorganised and sickly. I was an asthmatic and my parents called me sick wOman. One night she held a knife to her chest and told me that if I went to sleep she would kill herself. she made my life so miserable by rewarding me if I did badly and punishing me if I did well. She competed with me in the looks Department as well. I was made to be ugly duckling even though I was pretty. She would often say things like you’re no big deal, you are an also ran.etc. In her eyes she was perfect. She considered herself‭ to be a victim. My father was the villain of the piece who had made her life a living hell. The truth was that she married my father for his money. He has given her millions. To the outside world she make it to look like she has earned it herself. I am a self m made woman is her favourite line. She doesn’t want to give me any of the inheritance. According to her it’s the son who should inherit the bulk of the family fortune since he will carry on the lineage. To cut a long story short, my mother is a toxic narcissistic parent who I will never be rid of.


debbie September 21, 2014 at 6:30 am

all we ever crave for is to be believed , this site gives us that and helps us to gain strength for our journey into freedom . even writing down my experience seems liberating as I am no longer afraid to tell the world that its not me with the problem its my bloody MOTHER , there I feel so much better .


yikesagain October 18, 2014 at 3:58 pm

It’s been 53 years and I have for the first time drawn a clear line in the sand with my mom.

She has insisted on spending time with my ex since we divorced, despite my protests that it hurt me so very, very much. Since he and his new wife have had twins, she spends more time with his family. The last time she came to visit me for a week she spent most of her time with them. And I had the weird experience of feeling both relief and pain. Since then I have let her know (again) that her visits with my ex and his family result in at best a mix of feelings for me and at worst intense anger. What I don’t tell her is that the anger is deep and ancient, reaching back to when she missed my daughter’s first two birthdays in order to be with a second cousin’s twins (what is with the twin-thing!?) and it reaches even further to times when neglect and hyper-criticism characterized her parenting.

SO… the line in the sand that I drew was to tell her that while she has made plans to spend the holidays this year with my ex and his family, I will not be seeing her during that particular visit.

This sent her into what other posts call “narcissistic rage.” That rings so true to me, resonating with the position of cowering that I am tempted to adopt. Instead of cowering, however, I am trying rather desperately to stay out of the line of fire: away from her attacks and away from my own reactions to those attacks which lead to me to act in ways I do not not like. I do not like the way I behave with my mom, so for now I am subtracting myself from the equation.

I want to finish by saying that I am loathe to categorize people, believing that we ALL can dip into the narcissistic pool, or fall into the depression canyon, or get swept up in the storm of anxiety. This doesn’t mean that all of who we are is a Narcissist, a Depressive or a Nervous Wreck. And yet narcissism seems to stand apart from other ways of being in its tenacious hold on the person who passes through it. I have had to address my own narcissism as I observe what my mom is up to but especially as I parent my own daughter. Unlearning the ways of narcissism is challenging. And I see why some us decide to cut ourselves off from the narcissistic parent: it frees up energy and head space. However I am not entirely sure that we can ever be free….


Danielle November 28, 2014 at 10:24 pm

My mother gave birth to her first child at 16, a son (1979). Two years later, while on vacation (outside of the U.S.) the child was kidnapped by his biological fathers family. Fast-forward 5 years and my mother gives birth to me, a girl. My father was a married man, 30 years her senior. She flaunted her pregnancy and subsequently me, in the face of his wife. This is the reality that I was born into. I haven’t even detailed the extremes of my mothers personality, and at this point, its as if I was born to fail.
My mother subsequently had two more sons, totaling 4 children, by four different men. She weasels her way into a military marriage by claiming to be pregnant by the young soldier (it wasn’t his) I spend the first 8 years of my life acting as the emotional replacement for my long lost older brother whom I had never met. All I ever heard about was how my older brother would come home one day and how she missed him so much, so she decided to have me.
So, my brother locates his U.S. passport and somehow makes contact with my mother. She buys him a plane ticket. He comes back- but he’s a monster. He tries to molest me. My mother hears it, but she doesn’t kick him out of the home. He’s 15….I’m 8. Eventually he gets placed in juvenile hall and he never returns to our home, but she still tries diligently to have a relationship with him, despite how that would effect me. When i mention these things to her she says “but he didn’t really molest you, like, all the way.”

My whole life I have been made to feel that I have no right to feel the way that I feel. I don’t even know what I feel anymore.

So by 14, I’m pregnant. I gave birth at 15. My mother was “developmentally neglectful” When I say that I mean that she didn’t aid us in developing and progressing as children and adolescence. In areas like hygiene, social skills, sex-ed, general life skills, friendships, college prep, managing a household, balancing a budget…..no preparation whatsoever. It was as if she assumed that we would raise ourselves. My mother was so selfish that she wouldn’t even buy groceries. Even when she had food stamps, or decent income, she would sequester all of our food from the local church food pantry’s. When I asked her why she didn’t buy groceries, she would say “because you kids will eat it all.” I remember being 14, pregnant and begging her to buy me some rice, fish and power-aid because those were the only things I could keep down. I lost 15 lbs over the course of that pregnancy, I gained 0. We were encouraged to get to school early enough to eat free breakfast, and to eat free lunch. Meanwhile my mother would splurge on Egyptian cotton sheets and biweekly trips to bath and body works, and cruises to the Caribbean.
My mother has always viewed me as her competition and has accused me numerous times of trying to steal her (wretched) boyfriends, of which there have been numerous. One of them tried to force himself on me and she didn’t believe me. One time, my mother disrupted a church service to start an argument with her then boyfriend- she was obsessed with him – she’d only been dating him a month. Her temper tantrums have no boundaries.
My mother is the most entitled person I have ever met, when shes not leaching off of a man, shes leaching off of her own elderly mother. There are no boundaries in her world, nothing that is not owed to her. She is impatiently waiting for my grandmother to die so she can liquefy her assets.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I cut contact with my mother a few months ago. I’m 28 now. I’m in my 2nd year of RN school. I’m raising my 13 year old daughter completely alone. The straw that broke the camels back was when I received a letter in the mail saying that I had been awarded a scholarship by the universities foundation, and I had 2 weeks to reply. My mother waited until the day before the reply was due to give me the letter – and she had already opened it. She’s always saying that I think I am better than her because I am in college. I don’t understand this line of thinking, because if there is one thing I want more than anything – it’s for my daughter to be better than me. I feel so guilty for not dealing with my mother, but I know that its the years of her constantly making me feel as if I was responsible for her pain. “Your gonna make me have a heart-attack, a stroke, a this, a that.” All those times of her slamming the brakes at 60 mph on the interstate and I have no seat belt on. Using the cars break system as a way to control us. That’s all I see when I think of my mother; A careening, volatile, wreck. The biggest issue that I am dealing with now, right now, is that my daughter is insanely close to my mother. How do I cut ties with my mother? I hear my daughter starting to sound more and more like my mother. Its a tangled web because in-order to cut my daughter off from my mother, I have to cut my daughter off from my grandmother, and that would destroy my grandmother. My grandmother is (admittedly) emotionally dependent on my daughter. I, however,don’t factor into the equation anywhere. My grandmother has told me very clearly that she will stand by my mother, no matter how wrong she is because “that’s my daughter” so in cutting off my mother, I have essentially lost my grandmother (and brothers too). Shes the puppet master.


jude December 14, 2014 at 2:55 pm

When I read Stephani’s post of 2013, April 27th: I was shocked. I have told good friend’s that my Mother threw my things out, they just did not get it. I’m 54 now! But as my NM put me in roll of Smother love(??)/total enmeshment..as the years have gone by, I started to doubt my sanity. Maybe she was right to treat me as she did. My parents live in the North of the Uk & me the Soth. Every time I’m to visit she always says :” anf don’t bring too much luggage”. So I left heavy walking shoes once, tracksuit and slip on shoes as when I did take her suggestion to just wear her things I looked very odd and was cold. So imagine my despair to return and find that she’s thrown all my things out. For me it was not just wasteful but deeply upsetting as it symbolised for me her treatment of me. They do have an attic!
She has done all manner of weird things to try to undermine me. The painful thing is her framing of my sibling’s in degree garb but none of me as a trained nurse! She always said I was not good enough to go to Uni
nonsense that was; I got 2 offers later in life!! That I was not good enough to gi to Art college: and U got an art distinction later also. It just shows the depths of the undermining. When they ran a girl’s boarding school: she was always making comments about my peers & how they’d be doing this/that & how well they’d do at that! It was cruel, undermining and she Never encouraged me. Still today, it is so hard for me to allow myself to be happy or to do well. I just feel I’m not good enough…just that I am not enough as a person. And then they jointly criticise my life.. Even now. The happiest I ever was was living in Australia for 3 years. She wept as I left and that shocked me as she never showed me any affection; just coldness. That is the very sad part. I’m going to join a loving Community but that to scares me, as I expect rejection and criticism. But what have I to loose: just my Freedom!


nobody December 19, 2014 at 11:26 am

In grade school, my teacher asked my mother to have me practice telling time. I still remember her laughing during the practice sessions. At church, I recall a family friend telling my mother I was growing into a pretty girl. I recall the surprise look on the man’s face and my embarrassment when my mother’s response was, “How can you tell with three layers of make-up on her face?” I skipped school a lot while in high school; she determined that if a girlfriend then I was a lesbian. If I talked to boys then I must be a whore. I was a naïve 16 year old, no doubt, because I had to go to the dictionary for the definition of a lesbian. I began running away. I don’t know why and I realize I caused my parents a lot of pain by doing so; however, I couldn’t handle the stress. She took me to be evaluated. While she was being told I was a normal teenager, she clenched her fists and was clearly very angry. I had to be crazy, you know. As a married adult with children and living in a college town, I decided to go to college. She sounded as if she was in a panic when she said, “What will you do if you aren’t accepted?” She discontinued making innuendo’s that I wasn’t intelligent, but would say, “Whew, that’s all you talk about!” after I spoke about school or my first job. She preferred for me to interject very little during phone calls because she liked to talk. I gave her the time on the phone for years. When I would travel to visit my parents, she immediately made a hurtful comment about my clothing or appearance. Conversations were designed to make my husband uncomfortable with jabs about relatives, religion, etc. No one confronted her. My dad was kind and loving, however he didn’t confront her a lot. If he did, I would then be confronted by her with comments such as, “Well, you’ve said something to make your dad I’ve upset you.” Throughout the years, other relatives would have difficulty getting along with her. I was told her preacher took her off the hospitalization visiting team because of complaints. She would dominate the conversations and it would revolve around her.
I loved my parents and tried to do special things for them. Immediately upon my dad’s passing, my mother assured me that I would receive no inheritance. Her rationale was that I had financial security. I was expected to leave my job and travel five hours at her whim and take many daily calls. She was an angry person who listened to no reasoning. I had to begin setting boundaries with her and this made her furious, but she justified her behaviors and escalated her arguing. One day I was unable to immediately do a task for her and I explained the work situation as well as when I could accommodate her request. It turned into a yelling match and I hung up on her. My punishment is her telling all family members and others I know from childhood that I refuse to speak to her, write, or interact in any manner. The reality is she ignored my efforts to communicate. She said she had done nothing to me and anything I’ve said she did “never happened.” When I assured her she was never told I refuse to communicate, she said I did. I later changed my phone number and when it was offered she claimed she was not allowed to contact me. After years of no contact, I called her because I wanted her to hear me say “I love you.” I told her I felt she was very hard on me and her response was, “No one has been able to contact you.” She had to get off the phone quickly because she claimed that someone was at her door. . .there’s no resolving anything or reclaiming any relationship because this is clearly what she wants.
I’m not sure if my no contact was right. I come across as cold and uncaring. However, the continued lies about me and her unwillingness to discuss issues are bizarre. I was sickened at relatives who called me in anger because of her portraying herself as a victim. Frankly, she’s just cruel. I have tried to have a thick skin and not be her victim, but it’s an unnatural situation. I hope I am not narcissistic for no longer wanting to deal with people who turn on me because of her. I hope I am not narcissistic for loathing controlling people. I do have other healthy relationships and a very long marriage. This is all sad, but life does go on.


Posa December 24, 2014 at 7:54 pm

This website has been a blessing. For the past year I’ve suspected that my mother might be narcissistic. I’m 27 and I live at home due to multiple illness and my mother has only used this to further hinder my growth and independence. She has always been the one I looked up too, my support especially when i became ill. These tendencies didn’t really behind to manifest until I started college. Though looking back I realized they were there. I missed a year of high school to help her finish college. I felt like I owed her for taking care of me. I only went back when the school called regarding my many absences.

As I got older, there was fighting. Name calling on her end and an endless cycle between enmeshment and rage. It’s taken a toll on me emotionally; I have chronic stress which exacerbate my condition. She says she welcomes my independence but sabotage me at every turn. Any discussion I have about “my” future she turns it into “we”.

At this point I realize, I am here only companion, which is entirely unhealthy. I encourage her to meet people but she refuses. I try to invite company over, she complains that she’ll be forced to stay in her room perpetuating this cycle. I also recognize that in this dynamic, I more than likely may be the golden child, and that saddens me because my mother has other children and it has become evident to them that I am her favorite. This has caused conflict within our family and now can only hope for resolution between us siblings.

It’s Christmas Eve and instead of a house full with family it’s me and her and I’m miserable. My heart goes out to every child of narcissistic parent.


Laura January 15, 2015 at 1:23 pm

I’m coming to terms with my mother’s behaviors. Of which I have also picked up a lot of and have learned the hard way that it’s not good to treat people that way. Most people don’t understand what it’s like to grow up being suffocated in this way unless they have been through it and not being seen or treated like a real person. It’s extremely painful to grow up this way and I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that no matter what I do or say she will never change but losing all hope still scares me. The best thing has been trying to find people who understand me and care. Learning to trust others so I can talk about these things. I’m in my 30s, I’m still enmeshed and living with her but I am starting to understand what happened to me. I still find it hard to accept that my mother never loved me but everything I’ve read about narcissism says that she is unable to. Most of her behavior is self-serving, judgmental and immature. I still feel like if only I had been different, things could have turned out better for me. I blame myself for what I’ve been through. I want my parents to love me. What did I do to her for her to treat me this way?


Logan Thorn January 19, 2015 at 10:21 am

Hello, my name is Logan. I’m writing to ask anyone here if they know any cases were a NM had taken her daughter to court for visitation of my girlfriend son? She needs help and I’m asking you ladies for this. Please HELP !


Cate January 24, 2015 at 10:27 am

I knew something wasn’t right in my family, growing up. I am the scapegoat child…the whistle blower. My sister, classic Golden Child. She now shares this role with my brother, from what I hear. He hasn’t spoken to me since I cut the Narc mother out of my life. He took sides. My sister however, does speak to me, and also states that she recognizes the dysfunction within our family and agrees with much that I say. She has validated some of my feelings and has even offered her sympathy when admitting that she, too saw these things/felt badly they were the way they were.

I got pregnant at age 16 and moved out of the house while my mother and step-father were on vacation. Worked full-time after school each day and graduated on schedule. Went to community college, until my mother got me kicked out of my apartment by calling the management and telling them I had a boyfriend living there and he was doing drugs in there…which was not true. I did have him staying there, but there were no illegal substances being consumed in any way there. She made it up to get me evicted. The woman who ran the complex was a customer of my mother’s. My mother was the town beautician.

After a short stint of working in a factory after graduation, I wanted to leave the area. I found no reason to stay there and wanted to take my son and find a better life in a better place. I wanted my OWN life away from my mother. Two different occasions, I tried to leave and start a new life, and both times, my mother offered to care for my son while I tried to get set up somewhere new. The first time, I was going to go to TN to stay with a friend of mine, get a job and find an apartment to share…the plan was to go down for one month or less, and come back when I had secured everything we needed. The first week I was there, my mother filed abandonment charges against me and told the court that I left my son with her with no intentions of ever returning to get him – which was false, and his own father can attest to that. We had discussed that together…even though we were no longer a couple, we worked together well for our child. We did great for young parents. Unfortunately, we both were naive and instilled far too much trust in my mother for help with certain things. But she was SOOOO GOOD at making us believe she was always on our side and would support our decisions. Until they were made…

The second time I left – after returning from my first fiasco and having to defend myself against my own mother in court for a false accusation of abandonment, I waited about a year, and I joined the military. She again, begged and pleaded with us to care for my son while I was away, and to share the responsibility with my son’s father, who was ok with it, since he worked full-time. I shipped off for training and would be gone for 6 months. THIS TIME, I had her sign a parenting agreement that I drafted up, stating that her intentions were temporary in nature, and she would only be caring for my child until I returned from training. When I returned, and would have my Orders from the military and would know my duty station, my son would then accompany me to a new place where we would live and build a life. As soon as I returned, I had one month to report to my new duty station. I was happy to be home with my baby again, and was looking forward to taking him with me to Hawaii where I got stationed. The second I mentioned doing that, my mother lashed out on me, saying I would do no such thing and my son was going nowhere with me. She attacked me physically. She snatched my child from my hands and drove him to my sister’s house. When she returned, she proceeded to strangle and choke me. We fought each other. I called for help and my step-mother came to pick me up.

I had no way to do anything about this. She went to the court house the next morning and filed emergency custody – temporary order was given to her because I was on orders to go to Hawaii and I had no power to stop that process. I had no choice but to leave him in her care when my date to leave arrived. Once in Hawaii, I obtained an attorney who lived in the state where my mother and son were, and I fought her. For 2.5 years straight, she would not give him back. She fought up until the date of our trial had finally arrived. And when it came time for a verdict – I won my custody back. The judges were not only disgusted with her and her actions, but felt awful that nothing sooner could have been done, due to the process and how the law works. I was present at every single hearing every 3 months, which cost me $1K for every flight from HI to MA.
She has ruined my childhood, my first career, tried to ruin the relationship between my first born son and I, and also my first marriage, plus she has tried to ruin the relationships I have with ALL of my children – (now 4). We have all cut her off and have moved far away from her and have NO contact…and we are happy. I’m just figuring out how much damage was done to me. The PTSD symptoms I suffer from. The hurt this has caused us all. The harassment and abuse she put us all through over the years. I feel as if I will never fully recover from this, and I fear that my children will somehow, suffer from my short comings. I try my best and I hope that I am nothing like her. I am supportive and loving. I just hope it’s equally distributed and it’s enough for each of them.


Amy January 24, 2015 at 9:16 pm

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I relate to so many of them. Not quite ready to share my examples yet with the recent death of my enabling father. Dreading my NM at the funeral!


marilyn January 26, 2015 at 7:54 pm

My narcissistic mother never passes up an opportunity to let me know that she thinks I need to lose weight. She is now 87 years old and I am 64. She wanted me to take her to get her hair cut last week, so I took her to her beauty shop. She made the comment to the beautician that she looked like she had lost weight( which puzzles me because she says she can’t see because of her macular degeration…….she can’t read, sew or drive because of it. Any way, the beautician told her that she had been going to weight watchers. Mom called across the room to me where I was sitting, “Did you hear that, Marilyn, she went to weight watchers” I guess she will have to die before she SHUTS UP. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.


Shay March 7, 2015 at 2:52 pm

My mother had me arrested. She lied and told police I hit her. This was right after I found a job and finally could try to get on my own two feet. She came in the kitchen started telling me I had to much going on in the kitchen. I was only cooking and washing my suit for work. My mother started trying to provoke me to anger while I was cooking. My mother begin to cut the kitchen light off on me and I would turn it back on and than she would turn it back off. I some clothes that I had took down from clothes line that needed to be hanged up so I had some hangers on kitchen counter.My mother cut light off on me again and I got very upset and threw the hanger at the wall across the hanger flew into pieces and one piece hit her on the arm. I haf finally got a Job so she stop saying how bad of a daughter I was and move but she called police lied said I punch her and I spent 2 days in jail. Also now I have twins and after all that happen I moved out got into bad relationship when got pregnant and could not no longer work my boyfriend couldnt take care of the bills so I had to move back home. Now whats going on that have income to move on my own but my mom quiet her job so I couldnt move and would to take care of her. I feel like people just use me.


ginne March 19, 2015 at 5:11 pm

Oh my goodness, I’m in tears. I started searching for info on how it feels to not have a mother when you do have one and I stumbled across maternal narcissism. The pain of the last 26 years now make sense. The emotional, physical and verbal abuse as a child- one of my earliest memories is getting in my mom’s way in the kitchen while trying to catch my loose hamster at about four and being called “a worthless bitch.” We were homeschooled (there are five kids, she got pregnant as soon as the last stopped breastfeeding) and so sheltered do I had no idea that getting slapped in the face or spanked 50 times in a sitting at 4 yrs old while she had to take breaks to catch her breath, was abnormal. As an adult she’s been so manipulative. When she met my mother- in- law she was apparently so offended about the impending baby shower she felt the need to absolutely verbally attack her. She made a HUGE scene at me rehearsal dinner and my wedding, so badly that I had family members who contributed financially in a huge way that didn’t come. Of course I get home from my honeymoon to a three page, single spaced letter outlining how I am a horrible daughter, person and how I have no loyalty to her. I spent years trying to fix that but something triggered as a this isn’t normal red light. This passed summer I delivered my beautiful stillborn daughter- and I had to carry her for a week after I knew she died before my ob had time to induce ( needless to say I will never see him again.) There is no answer as to why she died, only that her sweet heart stopped beating. While I was suffering with severe post partum coupled with the greif of her loss and my husband told me he wants a divorce and had a lawyer. I soon find out my mother is paying for his lawyer. In that conversation she told me I deserved to lose custody of my son because ” I murdered my daughter”. It was the most devastating thing to hear but it allowed me to release myself from the blame of ending that relationship. Its hard and it hurts and those scars are permanently there but I have to keep reminding myself how devastating those words were and I keep convincing myself I will never forgive her for them. How awful is it that your mother has to say that to justify the end of letting yourself be abused?


Joy Thomson March 23, 2015 at 10:36 am

I am glad that no goody goody has come on this site and told you that it is wrong to express your anger and hurt. Unless you have had a narcissistic mother you really can not understand how evil they really are and how they try to destroy your identity so they can establish control. Because in there eyes you are an appendage of them and not an individual with healthy boundaries.
So their mission in life is to constantly break you down and destroy you.
Mine liked to attempt suicide for attention when I was growing up and still threatens to do so when I don’t act the way she wants or I express myself ..promises promises.
My sister who was the golden child eventually did just that as my mothers antic’s really fucked her up completely!
I have come to the conclusion that my mother has high functioning Asperger syndrome. As my brother and his son have it and I now reflect on her mothers family who were all strange to say the least. A lot of narcissistic mothers are they do not feel compassion if they did they would not abuse you they way they do ..it is unnatural to not nurture your child! Instead daughters are often parentified having to be the one who tries to placate the mothers warped emotional and physiological needs.
It is like dealing with an emotionally disabled child who constantly needs attention.
They sad part is that your needs are not meet and nurtured at the crucial time in your emotional and physiological development. This can affect your self esteem and self worth for the rest of your life. My advice is reclaim your life let her go the worst thing your can do to a narcissist is ignore them and pretend they do not exist you may never fully heal if you don’t. I really wish from the bottom of my heart you all heal from this trauma and reclaim your lives!


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