How Narcissistic Mothers Create Sibling Rivalry

by Michelle Piper

Sibling relationships are often a casualty of the narcissistic mother. In fact, narcissistic mothers both consciously and subconsciously create sibling rivalry.

Due to the limited resources of affection, attention and favor from the narcissistic mom, siblings have to vie for their rations. Because narcissistic mothers are incredibly self-centered, they have precious little time and effort to spare for their children. Thus, any attention, whether it be positive or negative, may be pursued by the children of a narcissistic mother even at the expense of relating to their siblings.

In functional families, sibling rivalry naturally occurs and, with adequate parenting, ideally turns into respect for each other as children mature. Siblings are encouraged to be close and love each other.

This isn’t the case in a family with a narcissist as the matriarch. Children are pitted against each other and taught from very early on that if they wanted any sort of “love” or attention from their mother, they’ll have to compete for it against each other.

If you grew up in a narcissistic family system, you may now see there’s a constant comparison between siblings—who’s doing better and who’s ranking higher in the narcissistic mother’s eyes. Because of this, you may not feel connected to your siblings, and distrustful of them because you can’t be sure what you say won’t be held against you.

You may long to feel the camaraderie and closeness you see your friends have with their siblings.

Sadly, siblings with a narcissistic mother often sacrifice relationships with each other to compete for something that doesn’t exist: their mother’s unconditional love. Narcissists have difficulty feeling love or empathy for anyone, leaving you and your siblings to bid for conditional, short-term attention that can be switched on and off at any minute.

At times you may be frustrated with yourself for feeling unworthy and inadequate and project those self-deprecating feelings onto your siblings as well. You are taught from a young age to repress their feelings and that they don’t matter.

Children are often put into shifting roles by the narcissistic mother. First, the golden child, is the hero, the mother’s other-half, or her mirror. There are pros to this role, such as getting all of the best stuff, the attention, and the ability to entertain the illusion you can do no wrong. Your accomplishments, no matter how minor, are celebrated to the fullest extent. However, it is not all sunshine and rainbows for the golden child.

You may become enmeshed with your narcissistic mother and grow up without any real knowledge of boundaries or self-identity. In this spotlight, you are just the puppet of the mother, and the one of whom the other siblings are ultimately the most jealous.

Then there’s the scapegoat. When you receive attention from your mother in this role, it’s of the negative variety. But, oh, the relief in feeling you are at last beyond her control. Of course, that feeling can be short-lived as a child because the narcissistic mother will make great effort to strip you of that control and as the adult, she often has the power to do so.

When in the scapegoat role, you shoulder the blame, shame, and anger of the family. If something goes wrong, it’s your fault. You are labeled as the “bad” one, even if you don’t fit into that category. The silver lining of the scapegoat role is that you often have a better concept of self and independence than does the golden child, which can help you later on in life.

Finally, if you are the lost child, the forgotten one that receives neither the praise nor the blame, you may do your best to remain invisible and away from your mother’s wrath. You sense it might be better to go unnoticed than to have to deal with the emotionally debilitating games your narcissistic mother plays with her other children.

Some narcissistic mothers intentionally triangulate and pit their children against one another because of their belief in the “zero sum game.” This is a narcissistic game in which one participant’s gain results from the others loss.

The net change in total wealth among participants is zero. The attention the children receive from their mother is just shifted, not shared, so as to always keep someone left out. Therefore, a gain by one child is a loss for another.

When I say “triangulate,”  it means three roles are being played. Imagine a triangle where at each one of three points there’s the villain, the victim, and the rescuer.

The villain is the one who blames, disrespects, attacks, or criticizes the victim. In turn, this tempts the rescuer to defend the victim, which can move the rescuer into the villain’s place and the villain into the victim’s place.

The roles often switch and reverse. For example, the narcissistic mother can start out as the villain and the scapegoat as her victim. If you try to become your sibling’s rescuer when your brother or sister is in the villain role, you, instead, become the villain in your mother’s eyes for betraying her. And, she in turn, is now the victim of you and tempts your sibling to become the rescuer to gain mother’s positive attention.

It is an exhausting emotional game that may never end.

She can also make active attempts to insure the competition is fierce. She may spend excessive time alone with one of her children, most likely the golden child, instead of including all of her children in an activity or outing.

She may commiserate with one child about the other’s negative behavior, so that a tag-team competition is set up as well. Some narcissistic mothers intentionally block bonding and encourage competition between siblings. Other narcissistic moms creative a vacuum of neglect where the kids are left to prey upon each other for the meager emotional resources that are available in the family environment.

Families like this can feel like an emotional desert. The result of tactics like emotional abuse, lies, and neglect, however, ensures her children are always on their toes, working to earn her conditional love.

The negative feelings you had toward your siblings while growing up can carry on well into your adult life. Siblings may never be close to each other due to the deep emotional scars and animosity they were programmed to feel towards each other by the narcissistic family environment. You may find one of your siblings is unable to let go of the old system and actively keeps the rivalry going. He or she will then miss the value of having a fellow survivor, their brother or sister, who understands what they endured.

As adult children of narcissists (ACONs), competition between your siblings can decrease if there’s a realization by all parties that what you were taught growing up is not how siblings need act towards each other. Instead, it’s possible to support and ally against the narcissistic mother’s negative behavior.  There is sometimes an opportunity to create trust and bonding between adult siblings of narcissists that was not possible as children caught in the destructive narcissistic pattern of parenting.

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{ 96 comments… read them below or add one }

ME December 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm

This describes the dysfunction in my family perfectly. As the oldest of 6 children I watched my mother triangulate with our roles throughout my life. I even talked about with my sisters at times although I didn’t call it triangulation. Now we are all facing her impending death as she is declining quickly with Alzheimer’s, Bi-polar disease, and micro-strokes. All of the dysfunction that my mom nurtured along the way is playing itself out to the max with certain siblings criticizing others because they choose to grieve alone. As the oldest I was placed in all of the roles above as my mom made her phone calls complaining to others and often causing rifts that have still not bee resolved. And this toxicity reached across to my oldest daughter as well.
As fate would have it I am my mom’s primary caregiver and guardian. I am the one who visits with her most often as everyone else lives in other cities. At this point she can’t gossip about others or criticize me or belittle me. She seems grateful for my touch and voice. It is quite an opportunity for me to love her unconditionally as she was never able to do with me. But the rest of the siblings are causing enough stress for me to feel quite sick most of the time. After accepting that a family born to a narcissistic mother is full of toxicity, what have others out there done to live a healthy life?


Michelle Piper December 8, 2012 at 9:50 am

Hi “Me,”
I hope others on this site offer their experience in response to your question, “After accepting that a family born to a narcissistic mother is full of toxicity what have others out there done to live a healthy life?” The readers of this blog and their shared, empathetic, hard-earned wisdom is AMAZING.
You mentioned “the rest of the siblings are causing enough stress for me to feel quite sick.” So here are some quick tips.
1. Protect yourself as much as possible from the “emotional pollution” of the family dysfunction during this time through any extra self care you can muster.
2. Consider using a site like “caring bridge” to update the family on care issues regarding your mom if they are demanding your time for details. You’re already bearing the brunt of her care; Their need to know what is going on is secondary to you staying healthy and balanced on behalf of the humane care you’re trying to ensure for your mother.
3. Express frustration outside the dysfunctional family to a caring, stable other. Because end of life care is often a long journey, we often fear that we’ll burn out our support system by venting, but try addressing it like this, “If we could just take 5 minutes sometime in this conversation, I’ll get this out and then I focus on what’s happening in your life because I don’t want to be a drain but I value your support and want to hear about you.”

I hope this if of some help, Michelle


Dano22 February 23, 2013 at 2:34 pm

Nice to be able to read the story of another person who has similar experiences to me. I have known for many years that there were serious issues in my family but have only recently become aware of NPD. It offers so many answers to the things I have experienced. Its also left me shocked by just how manipulative my Mother has been, to the extent that even now I wonder (for short periods) am I imagining it and is it really my problem. But it is something my older sister has been talking about for years and I didnt see it, or wouldn’t.
Its also realising, sadly, that our lives could have been very different. But better to know than never having realised why we are so dysfunctrional.


Hope5 February 4, 2016 at 10:11 am

Hi dano22,
My family has been dysfunctional as long as I can remember. It swings from getting along to full blown feuds. My mother has always been involved somehow in the fighting by either starting it or picking sides. My sister has been saying she was NPD for a long time but I found it hard to believe. I finally get it after years of verbal and emotional abuse. Now sadly two of my sisters seem to be narcissistic as well and it’s such a frustrating sad situation. After my father died who was a loving father and is the reason I survived, it is an all out war with the narcissists controlling everything. I’ve backed off with how much I see them and it infuriates them that they can’t control me and punish me with keeping me out of family details and gatherings. I plan on trying to meet with my mother to try and end the craziness. I will bring my husband to be my witness, as it’s often hard for others to believe how manipulative she is. I only expect a civil relationship to come from this as I’ve learned to have no expectations. You are right it’s better to know so you can be prepared for the assault and question your own sanity.


NeverGoingToEnd February 5, 2016 at 12:01 am

I am in the same boat. My mother pits me against my inlaws and has this jealousy rage thing going on. She partners with my sister on everything and I’m the horrible one who makes her my punching bag all the time. She’s always the victim who gets left out, yet the time she spends with my daughter is usually while my mom’s preoccupied with her phone or watching tv. My daughter will play on her room on her own because grandma doesn’t interact and play with her; my mother in law does though. It’s like it’s always a competition between the two in my mom’s eyes. I’m pregnant now and my mom is mad that I don’t want it posted on facebook and gossiped around whether it will be a boy or girl when I hopefully find out this Saturday. She doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut. It’s a never winning battle–my sister is her favorite now that my dad’s gone; she helped her with a down payment on her house…I haven’t asked for any of that nor do I expect it. Yet I still get the shaft.


Anonymous February 27, 2016 at 1:30 am

I wish you everything good even though I have never met you – anyone who has had a mother like mine just understands and anyone who hasn’t will never understand – but growing up with alcoholism narcicism – I don’t even know if it is that – I’m not a psychologist – I just know that I can feel and share your pain and I want you to know that you are not alone xx


Wounded Bird December 25, 2013 at 1:09 pm

Hi “Me”:

I know your post is old, over a year, but I still want to reach out to you with my perspective in case you are still dealing with this painful process. I honestly do not understand how you can still be caring for your mother after everything that happened. There are facilities where she may be cared for by professionals. Contrary to popular belief, these facilities are not super expensive. They are accessible even by low-income patients with MediCare or MediCal (not sure what state you live in), but now with ObamaCare, there is even more accessibility to health care which covers this type of elder care facility.

If your narcissistic mother is no longer able to care for herself, you don’t have to be her primary caregiver. You are way too kindhearted in giving up your adult life to do that. She’d be lucky to receive a visit from you considering the way she raised you. I know it may sound cold hearted, but, at least in my personal experience, my narcissistic mother abused me so much, that I was aversively conditioned to her to the extreme.

For me it is so bad, that I still suffer from PTSD-related nightmares and insomnia, even after almost a year of no contact whatsoever with her and the siblings she completely turned against me. I cannot stand her presence or even the sound of her voice. For me, the dysfunction got so bad at home, that I had to go live in a homeless shelter to begin my road to recovery.

Now that I look back at the malignant and deliberate emotional abuse I was subjected to for forty years, I have no doubt in my mind that I will never see her again. I will not visit her if she falls ill, not even if she is on her deathbed, and I most certainly will not go to her funeral. This woman represents everything dark, everything cruel, everything evil and downright most painful that I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

In my heart, I have forgiven her, not so much for her sake, but for my own health and peace of mind. She’s not even worth the energy that goes into resenting her. She is simply dead to me, and, in my mind, I buried her the moment I left most of my belongings behind in her apartment and moved to a homeless shelter.

I have cut her off completely so that she has absolutely no way to contact me even if it’s an “emergency.” I want no contact with her under any circumstances, because her NPD is so severe, that she views any and all attempts to unconditionally love her as weaknesses to take advantage of.

She has also lied to me so much, that I can no longer believe a word she says. I also cannot be moved by her crocodile tears, because she has cried wolf so many times that I feel absolutely no compassion for her, no matter how much she may cry. I lost all faith in her and the possibility of her redemption.

I know it’s sad to feel that way about the woman that brought me into this world, but I had to detach to this extent out of self preservation. My advice to you, assuming your mother was as malignant as mine, is that you run for your life and never EVER look back. Live your life and surround yourself with people that love you.

Be there for your children and make sure you never copy her behaviors. Learn from her mistakes and don’t waste your unconditional love on her. Focus on being the mother to your children that she never was to you or your siblings. Also, don’t allow your siblings to carry out her legacy of abuse against you.

Cut off all communication with your hostile siblings. They might be beyond help, and you don’t need that in your life. Love yourself and your children and enjoy your grandchildren. That is your one true family.


marie February 28, 2015 at 2:23 pm

I am so sorry you had to go through all that abuse.I went through similar, my brother was encouraged to beat me until I became unconcscious and when I came to I was always covered in big black bruises.
I can remember so clearly my mother shouting ‘don’t mark her face’ then always making my despicable half brother a cup of tea to reward him for the terrible beatings he had used his energy on. I suffered with breathing problems and my brother used to say as he watched TV,” Mum, she’s breathing again”. and Mum used to say”Well, you know what to do”.
Mother bought herself a golden cocker spaniel dog, but the dog and I bonded and the little dog proved how wonderful he was, he threw himself in front of me to protect me. I came home from school and he was gone, I will never get over it..


talibah March 16, 2015 at 6:41 pm

I was beat up by older brother at my mother’s urging.


hidding in plain sight June 9, 2015 at 3:10 pm

Yikes, sorry for all who had to endure this. I too at hands of both brothers -one physically the other mentally and emotionally, plus endured physical violence which mom encouraged and did nothing to stop, and went on to endure sexual abuse by the middle brother who completely saw that as a way to get back at mother and then dupe-smiling in her face, also he was always getting into trouble as a way to get attention due to horrible things he did at school, in the neighborhood, anywhere he went he caused trouble. Cannot get into all of it, but mom protected him and never held him accountable even when police wanted to arrest him she could not sign the complaint worrying more about his career future prospects than the harm he had done her daughter. Am at a point never want to see or hear from that woman ever again.

K April 7, 2016 at 2:37 am

Thank you so much for sharing…..I thought I was the only one. Your story is nearly identical to mine and I am now finding peace and hope. Onwards and upwards!!


Mary-Brigham Durand December 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I have been researching the origins and being-ness of a narcissistic supply because I am experiencing my sister’s narcissistic rage in such a huge way. She has been running a smear campaign against me with my family ever since my second marriage, about 4 years ago, when I stood up to her and told her that I no longer would accept her abusive calls. She has been working ever since on getting members of my family to stop talking to me, and has pretty much succeeded. She has started to send mysterious packages to me, with things she has found in her house that were originally mine from my childhood and returning them to me. She has moved, and has not given me her contact information. In trying to understand why I am so amazingly hurt by her dramatic overtures to hurt me, to understand what the wound is that will not heal, I am understanding that what I thought was my mother’s borderline personality was much more narcissism. Her mother, my grandmother, was truly malignant, viciously cruel to both my mother and my aunt, and where she learned that I can only imagine. Reading here, and elsewhere, about daughters of narcissistic mothers, my eyes are opening more about the dynamics of this horrific relationship. All of what you describe resonates with me. I have no problem feeling angry, justified, righteous, but the hurt finally takes over and then the depression and hopelessness sets in, and I am at the bottom of the pit. Which is where she wants me. Because the supply is not just about keeping her happy. It is also about watching the Promethean Bound drama play out–the near-destruction of the old supply that needs to be punished. that new form of supply is just as satisfying. I need to find what the hook is that keeps me feeling hurt.


mira December 21, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I am the daugther of a narcisistic mother. I have four sibbling who has the same role tlaked about. I am the silent invisible person and still is. For the last past two years I am waking up and smelling the coffe. My mother does not like it because she knows that i am no longer participating to her foolish game. Today I am banished from the familly. In tern never really had one. Today I am hurt, angry, feel dupped, manipulated and really realized it was for nothing but for my mom control and need…… my life was a garbage didposal ….that is what i am feeling today…


Realizing December 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

Mira I did feel the same way. I didn’t understand why I wanted a family like I saw others have. Church was difficult, feeling so much on the outside. This season I am finally seeing I have love/respect from strangers that was missing from my mother. Yes, I too am hurt, beyond anything. Hopefully realizing the problem will have me put the biological family behind me, and make the life we deserve to have. I hope for the same healing for you too.


talibah March 16, 2015 at 7:18 pm

i am sorry you have had to through banishment. i have been isolated because i didn’t play the family back bitting games and i M BETTER for it. what the devil means for bad god makes good. happiness and joy grew so much in me. it dawned on me one day, my face was hurting from smiling so much! my soul was at peace. i loved my family from a far for a very long time. no more mental emotional andphysial abuse by 8 people that i was related too! i consider them relatives not family. i developed loving relationships with distant cousins. i always been the scapegoat of my mother and siblings. as long as i know how love i will not only survive but thrive. i pray for my mother and siblings i think it so sad and unfortunate for them to be so tormented by such evil force of mental wickness. my mother was a victim of horrific circumstance as a child of abuse by her dad. and as a child of the depression era and other life long abuse. it doesn’t excuse her actions in the least but she too is victim that manifest this twisted mental state of survival. she has dementia now and can’t keep the game going full force. however she has become quite a bit more loving. it s like i got a devine gift in the midst of darkness . unfortunately my older sister has pick up the baton of sibling manipulation but in the name of jesus i ask that god will heal her and give her true joy peace and self-fulfilment instead of futile and unfulfilling abyess of self hate.


Realizing December 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

Mira I did feel the same way. I didn’t understand why I wanted a family like I saw others have. Church was difficult, feeling so much on the outside. This season I am finally seeing I have love/respect from strangers that was missing from my mother. Yes, I too am hurt, beyond anything. Hopefully realizing the problem will have me put the biological family behind me, and make the life we deserve to have. I hope for the same healing for you too.


VMS April 7, 2013 at 10:28 am

Hi Mary-Brigham and everyone,
I am in my late 40’s and through separating from an alcholic husband, have realized the matriarchal narcissism that is at the root of my life long issues AND how I ended up in a separated situation which takes my daughter away from her father. My realizations have caused quite a change in my relationship with my “best friend” sister and it has been incredibly painful. While I have been making efforts to become healthy and more balanced and AWARE (I was the scapegoat) I could feel the trust in my sister slowly eroding. Because I was raised to deny my intuitive feelings it wasn’t until I realized my and my family’s truth that I began to trust my own feelings and acknowledge what was going on.
Without ALANON and other Adult Child 12 step programs REGULARLY in my life I would be a total depressed-mess. I hate to say that my Alanon family has replaced my family of origin but to be truthful, it has and I thank God for it. I HAVE to be a balanced, healthy person and parent for the daughter that God graced me with. I may not be able to match or better the $well to do$ family image that I grew up with (yet) but I have already surpassed my childhood in having a healthy connection and truly unconditionally loving relationship with my daughter. The sadness still hits me from time to time, and always will I imagine, and when it does I am beyond grateful that I have the friendships and the tools that Alanon/Adult-Child has given me. They help keep the sadness from turning into another bought of depression. Also, all of the books by Melody Beattie among MANY other literary resources have and continue to be very helpful to me. I think a GOOD therapist can help as long as you can afford it without using health insurance (messed up!).
Of course I hope my sister comes back around at some point in our lives and is able to see and accept the depth of our mother’s dysfunction however, I have learned to focus on what I CAN control and I just have to love her from afar until she is able to treat me with respect.

Peace and good healing.


thatslife December 28, 2012 at 6:45 am

I had an Nmother from Hell; an aggressive, enabling father; and a golden child, narcissistc brother, 2 years older than I, who became the other right-hand man of “mothers” illness. That left me – the young child in this sick dynamic – the daughter.
The only way I can describe my life as is being the ever emotional, physical, and verbally abused victim of a pack of third grade, school yard bullies. There was no real home, or mature adult to go to for love, help, undertstanding and support. There was just a house – a building- where I was obligated to go to wait for the next barrage of lies, deception, abuse, pain and suffering. It happened every day for hours on end behind closed doors with Nmom being the ringleader – the root cause of all childish, jealous, lying, agressive behavior in the house. It was always her; and the two “men” were expected to take care of it.
I was blamed for everything from her miscarrige when I was three years old ( I didn’t know what it was at the time. But, I was blamed for “killing a baby”) to my fathers heart attack when I was long out of the house and married with a child of my own.
Gchild learned very early in my life, through her conditioning, to blame me for everything that went wrong in his life as well. Growing up is hard enough without any guidence or love. But to have his mistakes delgated to me as well is too much for anyone, never mind a child, to bear.
If, God forbid, I got sick, it was my fault and having to stay home from school, according to her, was done purposely to ruin her day. I recieved no care or attention. However, if Gchild was sick, bedtrays would be delivered to him, medication given, stories read to him, and she stayed with him almost constantly. Certainly, the difference was more than apparent to Gchild.
Christmas? It was the major day of the year for favoritism to be shown. My “gifts” were put under the upright piano because Gchild needed the entire room for his. I was appreciative for what I got because I didn’t get anything the rest of the year. But, as I got older, I realized that my gifts came from the dollar store while Gchilds were major, name brand, huge, expensive gifts. I could never figure out why Santa loved him more than me. Later, I knew my parents adored him and I was an imposition – albeit a “useful” one. Where else could blame be laid for this illness?
Golden childs very minor accomplishments would be grossly exaggagerated held up to the extended family to recieve the praise she was so deserving of. Anything he did that was less than “stellar” was designated to me on the outside. He got a girl pregnant, my parents paid for the abortion, and the story told to the world, which I found out decades later, was that I got pregnant and had an abortion. On the other hand, my major accomplishments in school, community and church, were not only kicked under the rug, but I was jeered at and humiliated for “thinking I was really something”. Being recognized on the outside went against me constantly hearing ” You’re nothing! You’re nobody!”, and making the Golden Child jealous – something that would not be tolerated by any of them. Golden child would instruct Efather to punish me for some madeup infraction- which, of course, he did. Gchild and Nmom would stand by to cheer him on or smirk as I was being belt-whipped, punched and slapped. The root cause? Getting an award! The children on the street where instructed not to talk to me or have anything to do with me because they were the Gchilds friends first. Emom and Efather endored this. Of course, hitting me, belittling me, spitting on me were activities these children took part in under the direction of the Gchild, if I dared to step outside.
I was the academically smarter one of the two children. I guess its because I was always trying to hide in my room with nothing but books for company. However, I was not allowed to go to college ( but I was punished for anything less than a “A”) and given no information from the school to get grants, scholarships or loans. Nmom saw to it. One call to the school put a stop to that. All the time and money went to Gchild for his education. I was told I was to stay at home and do the housework. That was going to be my place in life – a servant. Gchild’s superiority to me was now complete and continues to this day with the rest of the family and anyone who would listen for 2 seconds being pulled into their smear campaign of me – just like he did with the neighborhood kids.
I went No Contact after the last physical abuse by my father, under Nmoms and Gchilds direction, and have stayed away since. Of course, I have heard that I am a terrible daughter for abandoning my parents like that. Telling anyone what happened is met with distain for me (” Oh, I have heard about the trouble you caused your family your entire life! Your brother let us know and your mother and father have backed it up. You’re nothing but a liar, like he says”)
Believe it or not, Nfather called me to let me know he “knew what they were doing to me for a long, long, time. But, he couldn’t do anything about it because he had to watch out for himself” Nice, Hunh? I told him he was not excused. Gchild has since told people Efather never called me and I am a liar. My husband, who heard the call on speaker phone, is a “liar”, too. We have been shunned from the family and friends.
To back up this story, I was written out of the will. Gchild gets it all. But, I knew that was going to happen for “a long, long” time”.


Anonymous July 14, 2014 at 5:47 am

This sounds like my life. It helps to know that someone else has gone through it. I hope that you are happy with your new friends and family. You deserve to be.


thatslife January 24, 2015 at 8:06 am

Thank you 🙂 As we all know, we have a long road to find who we were really meant to be and find happiness. I’m well down that path and only wish the same for you and all of us.

One thing has helped me that I will pass on for what is worth: Before I put both feet on the floor in the moring, I say loud and clear to myself, or outloud, “I’m going to champion this day today! It’s mine. It belongs to me!”

It gives me a boost at the start of the day. If I find myself getting weak or thinking about the past, I say it again. It works!


Sherri August 13, 2014 at 6:03 pm

Legally I don’t think they can write you out of the will. You can contest it. See a lawyer about this. You have rights!
Very sorry to hear of the things you endured. I hope you have found peace since you have stopped contact.


thatslife October 13, 2014 at 4:12 am

Actually, they can write you out of the “will”. Before they died they put everything – house, accounts – in Gchilds name and gave him power of attorney.
I knew this was going to happen for decades.
Honestly, I’m okay. I still have flashbacks ( which one of us doesn’t have PTSD?) But, generally speaking, I’m coming out of the fog. Once, it all had a name – Malignant Narcissisim- and was verified by professionals and blogs like this, I went through a lot of pain and at the same time relief. It was never me.
I went back to college, paying for it on my own so no one “owns” me, and completing my life the way I want it to be – Not at the hands of a hidious, jealous, lying, slandering monster and her gang of flying monkeys whose only accomplishment is to beat up and torment a little girl into womanhood.
The really sad part of the story is I have an adult daughter who is the image of her grandmothers “personality”. Yes, there is a genetic component in all this for sure. So, it continues…


Hmmm January 13, 2015 at 12:27 pm

Are you sure you are not targeting your daughter here? I am just pointing it out because I went through this and had a vasectomy when I was in my 20’s to make certain that I did not continue the cycle. Your story makes me sad. I recount my life often, and I just keep wondering what if I had not been treated like the mutt that shit on the carpet for the first 13 years of my life.


thatslife January 24, 2015 at 7:45 am

Heavens No! I’m not “targeting” my daughter. Identifying, but not targeting. I do want to point out, however, that there is research that strongly suggests Cluster B personality disorders CAN run in families. In taking a close look at my MNmothers’s family, I definately found the behavior.
She had 3 other siblings and out of those three , 2 others made one of their children – the only daughters ( my first cousins)- the family scapegoat and isolated from the extended family with slander and abuse. BTW- Both are lovely, genuine, sympathetic, intelligent women. We all suffered with diagnosed PTSD from childhood abuse. No one knew what was going on in those homes either. Once we started talking – the MN’s worst nightmare- we were shunned by the entire family.

I have posted on my daughter and the genetic connection to Cluster B below. ( Oct. 13, 2014)

talibah March 16, 2015 at 7:50 pm

my mother and siblings were and still are horrific liars and tell the world i am the liar. growing up i thought they were dislussional. but i went in to a deep depression when i realized the knew what they were doing. i was devastated trying to figure out what would make a “family” member choose to intentionally do this . the devil is the author of confusion and destruction. i try to stay in god’s safety and loving arms. and pray for their release from this evil bondage. the battle is not mine. i will let god fight those spiritual battles of wickness.
just so you know my young sister gc got my mother shortly before her diagnois of dementia to secretely put all assets and checkindlg and insurane in her name only out of eight childen. i could care less after my mom dies. god will provide. i will make my own inheritance.


Same Here July 22, 2015 at 8:45 pm

I discovered that my mother had turned over all the property to my “golden child” sister then about 2 months ago received an envelope from an attorney – contents were “golden child” sister has power over everything (happens this attorney was golden childs grammar through high school friend—-hmmmm – collusion. The stepped up emotional abuse started shortly after my father passed away and has continued to this day. A little over 10 years ago – it got to the point I was forced by virtue of the insidious scapegoating, to finally pick-up and move over 1500 miles away. My sister is taking over the role of the Matriarchal Golden Child – learning from my mother. It was only last week that I was told my mother is building an addition on to my sister’s house but yet when I mention something it is always “you don’t need that”. When I had some recent medical problems as well as a chronic health issue – NM reverts conversation to GC sister and how she is so tired and needs her rest.
How people become this way is just beyond me? What I did learn was to be very cautious and distrustful of people thanks to the way I have been treated over the decades by NM and GC sister as well as other family members who all seem to have sided with NM. Sad, sad, sad!


Noel December 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

55 year old daughter, w/ 2 siblings. Main roles: Me: Scapegoat Sister: Invisible Brother: Golden

Keep in mind that these positions do in fact shift at times, but for the most part remains constant. It took 54 years of triangulation events for me to finally realize there is no going back. The last one being the most devastating attack on me by my siblings and my mother since I was a teenager and the one that finally broke me.

See, I did something I’ve never done before during my mother’s last “secret meanness” episode. I fought back. I don’t know why I didn’t just run like I always do, nope, this time I gave back what she had been giving me for years. Outright sabotage.

I cannot tell you if what I did was the right or wrong decision. I can tell you that the events that led up to this caused a physical reaction that resembled PTSD. I truly was afraid of what she would hold over me the rest of my life when I finally made the decision to escape her madness. I made sure there was nothing left behind, no questions to ask, nothing. I chose to legally remove any claim to any inheritance in any form, including any childhood items she may or may not have had. Yes, it was planned. This time I refused to leave on her terms. No, I walked and fully expected what would happen afterwards and it did like clockwork.

2 years later. Still struggling to understand how big the walls are that I have erected during my life. I work hard and play little. It’s almost as if “fun” was never allowed and at my age I just don’t know how. Intimate relationships are impossible, in that, I refuse to allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone. I get that. I know that is part of the collateral damage.

For all my life my journey has been through the eyes of my mother. Everything about me was defined by her. Now, I get a chance to do it myself. I’d be crazy to think the process will be rushed. It is an entirely different way of self-discovery when you choose a path and are not thrust upon it. I miss my siblings at times, but I don’t miss the hateful words and actions. I finally let someone read what they had written to me this last time and this person asked me if I knew who these people were. I said yes, my brother and sister, she literally almost fainted. Something in seeing her reaction helped me to see mine. I’ve stopped inviting that pain back to visit.


Wounded Bird December 25, 2013 at 1:25 pm

I’m so proud of you. You remind me so much of my experience. I encourage you to join some kind of support group, as I understand exactly how lonely you must feel. I know it’s hard for us adult scapegoat daughters of narcissistic mothers to feel worthy of love. We keep others at a distance because we’re always afraid they will hurt us. It’s normal. We’re traumatized. If my own mother couldn’t love me, there must be something wrong with me, kind of reasoning. But, you know what? YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Accept that. Remind yourself of that every time you feel tempted to go back to that sick family. You will find a loving family, just pray for it, I promise you God will answer.


talibah March 16, 2015 at 7:55 pm

hallelujah you are free! peace love and joy.


helen January 14, 2013 at 3:58 am

im the scapegoat of the family,one older sister the golden child,as a child i learned to not speak thinking then i wouldnt get in trouble,i,d go to sch come home and would b totally silent,yet i still managed to b introuble,for 15 my mother got thyroid problems (ofcourse this was my thought)i was asked 2 leave,so i left sleepin on streets ,friends etc hoping sumone would cum lookin for me,they never did…my sister didnt leav home till she was nearly 30,the perfect saughter had it all..while i was beggin for food ,etc ending up in digs with my partner tht i met…..over th year after having children of my own ,iv seen my parents.,tryin for a normal fam never was ,on my fathers death bed he apologized and told me he loved me ,..which helps ,but on his funeral i wasnt involved i wasnt given a seat in car ,wasnt allowed 2 put a rose on his coffen,but i did (even flowers tht i put on grave now gets taken of by my mother)all his money is slowly been given 2 my sister while mother is alive so i cant do anything..hurtsme to b treateds lik this,but now i no its not me with th problem its then…now my mother is ill an causing arguement trangulizing again,iv decided 2 walk away for good,..


Daughter of a narcissist - Mother of a daughter March 4, 2013 at 9:13 am

I have read through all of your comments, was up all night reading whatever I could get my hands on with regard to this subject. I understand now that I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I am in fear though, I have a daughter now myself, and I am always in fear of projecting my experiences and fears onto her. How do I know if I am doing the same to her as my mom did to me? How do we stop the cycle? Understanding is one thing, moving on and away from this toxicity is a good thing, but how do we stop the cycle? Am I my mothers daughter? Help?


Wounded Bird December 25, 2013 at 1:31 pm

Read plenty of material about this disorder. I, too, have a child and, for a long time, I’ve been afraid of being the horrible mother to him that my mother was to me. But, by reading a lot about the disorder, I have memorized the main characteristics of the narcissist, so that I can detect them in me when they try to rear their ugly head. I am constantly reading about the NPD mother so that I can remind myself, first and foremost, to stay the heck away from her for as long as I live, but also to make sure I learn from her mistakes. Love your daughter unconditionally, be her best friend, sit with her and listen to her, become interested in her life, support her, be her shoulder to lean on, don’t ever allow yourself to compete against her, be happy for her and all her accomplishments.

It’s the best you can do for her, and, above all, pray for her and pray together.


salt&pepper August 22, 2014 at 1:28 pm

• Do you acknowledge her authentically when she does something well, versus only compliment her to others so that you look good?
• Are you more concerned about ‘what others think” than protect her adequately from any kind of threatening situation?
• Are you able to see her as a fully separate individual with different needs, desires, wants?
• Do you allow her to express her feelings and emotions without telling her not to feel them or say things like “everyone feels that way.” In other words, do you diminish her or do you listen and validate?
• Is she able to exercise her personal preferences without you scolding, diminishing or otherwise trying to change it?


thatslife October 13, 2014 at 5:14 am

Actually, I was very aware raising my daughter. I was NOT going to repeat the patterns I was subjected to. Why would I do that to my child? BUT, there’s nurture and nature. Unfortunately, nature won out.
My now adult daughter shows all signs of being a malignant narcissist. I was devistated when she was a teenager doing the exact things my mother did : smear campaigns; lying about things there was no need to – nevermind the big stuff; extremely envious and hateful of other girls; severe “get-backs” at me when I disiplined her; stealing from me; trying to find and recruit fly monkeys…
This was not normal teenage angst or rebellion.
It only got worse when she was in college: Stealing from roomates, lying, using people and disposing of them when she was finished with them ( students and professors alike) more smear campaigns – no friends… just like my ” mother”. Then the verbal and physical attacks began on me when I got wise to her.

Professional intervention did nothing as she charmed and manipulated the pants off the therapists. In addition, since she was an adult, I could have no interaction with the therapist without her permission – which, of course, wasn’t granted. She would come out of therapy gleeful that she conducted the session her way. ” I have that guy in my back pocket!”

She has since moved to another state to go to grad school, and began the same thing all over again. She knew I went No Contact with my family, and why, and took my past and applied it to herself word for word to her new audience. She has had no contact with me, or anyone who truly knows her, for 5 years. Of course! Her house of cards would come tumbling down around her.

Studies are finding there is a genetic component in all this. Raising a child in a loving, caring, supporting home does nothing if the child has the predisposition for ASPD. As a matter of fact, they use it to play the game, you think you’re doing a good job, they are depending on your love to blind-side/manipulate you, and then they hit you in the heart.

My husband is a behavioral health professional and we both didn’t see it until it was too late. Yes, they can fool anyone for a long time. Once anyone, even a parent, is on to them, its your turn to become a victim.

I’m writing this to inform: Be on the lookout for behaviors that may suggest ASPD in your children. It IS genetic. I am not a narcissit, nor have ASPD ( PTSD, yes), but I must have a recessive gene that came out in my daughter. I thought I was free after I went No Contact with my FOO and began working on my recovery… only to have this reality hit me square in the face.


Trish August 16, 2015 at 7:42 am

OMG, That is my life with my mother, and now my daughter. This has been going on with my daughter for about five years and it has taken me nearly that long to recognize certain things. Such as how much like my mother she is and how incredibly manipulative and controlling she can be. She has also physically assaulted me and I had to call the police (numerous times). She is however incredibly charming and fairly small, so they always assume she can’t really inflict real harm.

It is only in the past few months that I’ve made the correlation between her behavior and my mother’s. The difference of course is that I’m no longer a frightened child. I have let her know I’m on to her and if she can’t behave better she can get out of my house and never come back.

Things are improving, but I have to always keep the upper hand.

BTW, I was never the golden child, that went to my brother (who is also my ally), and my stepsisters and even female cousins.

The hate went deep in my immediate family.


Cynthia Cauley March 20, 2013 at 8:53 pm

I am 44 years old and just experienced the final event last summer that made me realize I needed to get away from my immediate family. My NPD brother had a 5 hour tantrum/breakdown that resulted in him attacking me. My N mother, who was encouraging the tantrum yet also playing the victim, called the police before he grabbed me so they could tell the police it was me who attacked. This is ludicrous as i was kneeling on the ground washing my dog. The poor policemanwho showed up had no idea who to beleive. The tantrum started, ironicly, b/c I told NPD brother that he should not own guns b/c he throws too many tantrums and threatens too many peoples lives. Sadly, the one time he left a death threat on my machine, my parents said they’d handle it (HA!). My friend told me I should have filed charges just to start the paper trail. All his antics have been paid off or covered up. But I truly feel he is the very possibly the next spree killer. Any idea how to get guns(i believe legal) away from someone in NY state? I could get a lot of people who could sign something saying they’ve witness his threats, tantrums, and threatening behavior.
Oh well, I sent the Buffalo Police an email but got no response. But I got away and I saw a surreal testament to how sick my immediate family is, that is what is most important…I got away.


Sad TOO March 30, 2013 at 11:25 am

I have been reading these posts on & off and have just summoned up the courage to write my thoughts. The way I have been treated throughout the decades has taken its toll to be sure. About 9 years ago I moved away just to get away from all the drama, triangulation and whatever else was thrown my way as the “scapegoat”. Still to this day they somehow manage to get to me. When my mother calls she never asks how have I been feeling (I do have medical issues that will remain) but instead, without fail, goes on & on about my sister being tired, she needs rest, blah.blah.blah. Only a few years I ago I discovered through a mutual friend that my mother turned over all her property to my sister without even letting me know – when I confronted her she adamantly denied doing so and then proceeded to “demand how I knew”. Mind you, property records are public records. Additionally, a niece is a felon – but she is gloated on as being caring, etc. – reality is that she is a master manipulator. Here I am, always having good jobs, making my own way (barely), put myself through college (the only one in family to do so) and I am just not good enough. When my mother is confronted about her lies she gets angry and has, in the past, told me to get out – the last incident about 3 years ago when the property transfer was discovered – I will not go back and subject myself to that treatment. She has supported my sister & niece for decades – always somehow trying to justify it by stating “the economy is very bad” but yet tells me “you can’t spend money” (which I don’t – live very, very frugally). Even the smalltown residents have remarked how could she just turn over the house to my sister – my mother’s parents are probably turning over in their grave as is my father (deceased) as they believed the home should have been a joint transfer to my sister and me. When I moved, my niece had stolen an expensive bedroom set and when I was going to file charges my mother somehow coerced me to do so – boy, am I ever sorry I did not file those theft charges (as niece’s record has numerous probation violations, illegal weapon charges, forgery, etc). Somehow I just don’t understand – my mother has even gone to the extreme of my daughter having little contact with me (believes all their lies). So my best friend now is my great rescue dog – always glad to see me, honest to the core. What a world we live in – wouldn’t it be nice if we could pick our families – holidays are the worst seeing families and neighbors together with their loved ones and here I am steering clear of folks having been betrayed so much.


talibah March 16, 2015 at 8:19 pm

my dogs are my friends too. i do have friends and distant family that provide healthy interaction


Helen H. April 30, 2013 at 8:06 am

Wow, I can so relate to everything I have read. I am 54 years old and I have spent the last ten years having my eyes opened to the dysfunction in my family. It has impacted several generations. I am the oldest of three girls. My role over the years would switch from the golden child (when I did what she wanted, or had a good job) to the invisiable one (accomplishments where totally ignored) I modeled for a statue that is on display at the National Cathederal in Washington DC when I was 15 years old. No one in my family (we live close to DC) has seen the statue except my husband and I. We saw the statue when I was 50 years old. I menetioned to my Mother that I saw the my statue for my 50th birthday. Her response “what statue?” What really amazes me in hindsight is that somehow I had also received the message to ignore this accomplishment. Because I ignored it for like 35 years. I am now in the scapegoat role because I finally stood up, when my husband and daughter were physically attacked, and moved away. When my mother asked if I was going to show her my new house. I responded with “I will think about it.” That was five months ago. Of course I am the bad daughter. How, could I move away and not tell my parents. They are up in age and ill. But when my husband and I both tried to help we were accused of just waiting for them to die so we could take over their business. I am well aware of the fact that I also will be cut out of the will. I realize that over the years I was part of the system by believing her lies about other people and I would also become her victim when I would speak up for the people she was attacking. I remember one occassion where the attack against me was really bad. I happened to have agreed with her and repeated a horrible comment she had made several times about someone else. I was confused because I had learned this hatred from her. I guess part of the way I am learning to cope is to see my self and the roles I played in the mess and I am learning to respond diffently. Even if this means removing myself from the mess. But at the same time. I realize when I am forced to face the situation (I was recently called to my Fathers bedside at the hospital, and faced anger from my younger sister) I struggle with the feelings this brings up in me. My prayer to God is help me love myself, so I can therefore love other people. To the mother who posted above wondering if she will just repeat these patterns with her daughter. I can tell her that through a lot of hard work. Learning about herself and the dysfunction she was raised in she can turn the tide. I have a grown daughter a son in law and two grandchildren I am very close to.


SP May 4, 2013 at 9:04 am

I can relate to most of the comments and the article. I am finding it helpful to read about this and educate myself about it. It is helping all of this to make sense.

My mom seems to be a narcissist, but might also be suffering from bi-polar disorder and dementia along with very poor health. I was the golden child until adolescence when I rebelled. My sister was the scapegoat and lost child until my adolescence and then she moved into the golden child role some of the time. My golden child role comes and goes and comes and goes during my adulthood, depending on my mom’s mood and depending on how well I meet her current expectation of what a “good” daughter is. My sister moves in and out of the golden child role also depending on what my status is. It amazes me that this continues to this day even though my sister and I are adults in our 40’s.

I have always believed that my mom enmeshed me as a child, as she was a single parent most of the time, and I was her “spouse and confidante”. When I became an adolescent and adult and chose to live my own life separate from her with her role as my mother, not my spouse and confidante any more, she was outraged at me and has been, off and on, ever since. She wants me to be divorced and her “spouse and confidante” again. Anything other than that means I am a “bad” daughter to her.

Recently, I found out from my sister that my mom was telling her evil gossip about me and telling her that I’ve never liked her (my sister), that I’ve always hated her (my sister) all of her life… Now I understand why I’ve never had a good relationship with my sister…

Recently, in February, my mom sent me an email that basically deleted me (and my husband, kids, and grandkids) from her life permanently. I was confused about why my sister wasn’t supportive of me during this event. Now I understand. She is happy to be the golden child, with me out of the way permanently… this isn’t the first time this has occurred in our lives.

I found out that my mom has given my sister letters written by our deceased father when we were little. It really drove home the reality that I’ve been deleted from their lives and my sister isn’t sharing the letters with me; she is keeping them to herself as I have been deleted and she likes it that way… I have realized that this has been going on for years, all of my life, and I just didn’t want to accept it because I wanted to try to have a family. The reality is that I don’t have that family. I do have my husband and kids and grandkids.

I am worn out from the abuse from my sister and mom. It’s so hard to accept. Education helps. Loving friends and family help. I’m so afraid to let go. I don’t seem to want to let go of that fantasy or illusion that I have a family. I also am afraid of what I know they will say about me: she just abandoned her family. she and her kids are a closed unit and they don’t want to have anything to do with us. blah, blah, blah. that’s what I’ve been listening to for years. the other story they repeat over and over that makes me nauseous is: she is the perfect one. she always does everything so perfectly. blah, blah, blah. I’m realizing how abusive those stories are to me. I have told them in the past to stop it, but the keep doing it and doing it. If I walk away, it will just give them more ammunition against me that I have abandoned them and have closed off my family from them.

Very confused and not sure where to go from here, but I will figure it out. Thank God for a loving husband, kids, grandkids and friends.


SP May 4, 2013 at 9:08 am

one more thing: I don’t think there is any hope for my mom to change for the better, but I can’t let go of the idea and wish that my sister would snap out of this cycle somehow and ally with me instead of with the evil person that our mom is. I haven’t given up hope for her yet. I would like to know how to fix the relationship with my sister. I don’t know what to do. I feel cornered. It seems that no matter what I do it just makes things worse.


Stepper June 8, 2013 at 2:53 am


I have read the many responses to the articles written here about the dynamics and roles of Nmothers and the effects that the siblings have toward one another as a result of this “choice” that these mothers make in parenting. In your post, you sound confused and frustrated with your family. Yes, the clinical term I believe in this constant feeling of confusion is called “crazy making” or Gas lighting. It is this deliberate state that gives the abuser or NPD their “narcissistic supply”. Depending upon the degree of significance of the family dysfuntion, it is a VERY necessary dynamic.

Think of it as the same way an alcoholic “needs” alcohol. A NPD is no different EXCEPT they are “addicted” to the “rush” of seeing somebody else hurting or being abused. It is therefore, an “emotional” drug for their survival to REMAIN a NPD.

I cannot tell you how much I have REALLY researched this topic and how many revelations I have make by just reading information about this Narcissistic Personality DISORDER. Most of the examples written here are “results” of this TOXIC family pattern of relating to one another.

In cases as this, where I was and (at times) “fall back into trying again” with certain sisters or my mom, I have found that educating myself with this DISORDER is consolation and relief of this toxic syndrome at its very best. Knowledge of it is MY power. In reading blog sites like this, too, it has given me consolation by realizing that I do NOT suffer or walk alone. MANY families are like this (it isn’t “just me” or someone else), and, if people were really “honest” most families would admit that they have this DISORDER to one degree or another. NO family is “perfectly” doesn’t exist in this world.

Because I do believe that there is a God and that I have suffered shunning and deprivation of my mom’s love and any sense of fairness from her. I believe (even if it doesn’t occur HERE on earth), GOD WILL SETTLE THIS SCORE and all of my siblings and mother will be answering for their abuse, comments, actions, slighting, etc. upon the judgement day.

In the readings about NPD, one of the hardest things that have come to terms with is that these people who abuse or have NPD, NEVER change. This is probably one of the most difficult things to accept.

I have never been an alcoholic or attended an ALANON meeting but in following the “Serenity Prayer’s ” short sentences, this all makes good sense.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
(accepting that my mom and siblings are “sick” like this)

courage to change the things I can;
(resolve myself to only changing my involvements and reactions to their abuses…)

and wisdom to know the difference.
(To stop my OWN self torture in “hoping” that they will change…but to focus and commit to changing myself for the benefit of myself and MY immediate family)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin — 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Good luck in “claiming” your “new and worth-while life” and to realize that you don’t need the confusion and hurt anymore. It is HARD work…but we are ALL worth it.



talibah March 16, 2015 at 8:27 pm



Anonymous August 16, 2015 at 1:32 pm



Thank You December 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Again, these blogs are life changing!


Barbara Dothan Alabama December 24, 2013 at 8:52 am

I have been disowned and shut out of my family all my 57 years. I never had a family and my mother never ever mothered me and I realize now she was never even a friend, in fact my worst enemy. I wonder when I die who will meet me on the other side, I have no family here so I know I will have no one. Does anyone else worry about who will meet them in heaven?


thatslife October 13, 2014 at 5:32 am

Yes! You will meet God and your guardian angel – both or whom has kept you strong, loves you unconditionally and is with you your entire life.
The ones who tormented and abused a child of God ( no matter if they went to church everyday of their lives) knowing what they did ( and they do) won’t be in heaven anyway.
Look up Luke Ministries. They promote a biblical view of narcissitcs and their victims that will put your mind at rest.


Jane May 12, 2014 at 4:16 pm

I am 29, I have recently cut my Nmother out of my life. Wish I had done it when I was 17 when I first left home. That is all.


Katie June 2, 2014 at 3:46 pm

So, I’m the only daughter and youngest of my family. I hate attention, and keep to myself. I never ask for anything, I practically raised my big brothers. My father is an alcoholic, my mother is like the above. When I’d be injured I was expected to take care of it myself (I once lost a nail and took care of it myself after the doctor trip as a small child.) But my brothers would be fawned over. I was never allowed to leave the house, but my brothers could come and go and stay at a friends for days on end. I was the only one in choir and my parents never went to my performances, but when my brother joined they were happy to be there every time. My brother is in college for theatre and they encourage him. But I want to own a small business and they forced me to go to college to be a teacher. I had gotten loans and grants to pay for college, and they made me use it on things for them. I ask for nothing, my brother asks for money every month. Why do they treat me like this? Is it the same, or just because I’m the only girl and the youngest? I have a plethora of talents, too, but whenever I try to use them I immediately criticize and hate myself and never even gets my ideas out of my head. Why are parents so horrible? I’m 21 and I desperately want to leave but they do everything in their power to prevent it, then run me down and blame me…


kelly June 9, 2014 at 11:23 am

Katie: pls listen to a person that experienced almost the same as you. Im 43yrs old now. So let me advice you. Pls get away from you toxic parents as quick as you can. They will not change they will only make your life miserable. I was also the baby of three girls in my family I was the scapegoat child. Everything bad was me. They never gave me one positive comment always ugly stupid black sheep u name it. It effected my adult life tremendously. I left when I was 18 cannot live in that house anymore it was a hell hole. The worst thing is my parents are rich. So all the relatives kisses upto them cause they need their help. So I was all alone but thank God there was GOD always planned for me. Met my good husband I dont hv kids in a way it’s good so no risk of projecting the bad npd to my child because as much as I want not to be like my npd mom subconsciously it still might come out. Anyhow do yourself a huge favor leave them far n don’t go bk even if they pretend to change these npds never will I fell into their traps two times now they are stillnthe same. Get away sweetie quick while its still early. Make your life anew w/o these toxicities. Belive me its all worth it. Before I use to wish hv a family is better than none. But now I finally realize if they are so toxic n not gebuine what’s the good to hv them. Be brave!!! You will have a wonderful life of your own. You will!!! u dont need these narcissistic family members to be in yours. Trust me coming from someone with past experience.


thatslife October 13, 2014 at 5:55 am

I agree with Kelly. Get away Honey, and don’t look back. Don’t think they will change and don’t be sucked back with promises, excuses or laying guilt on you for “not being a good daughter”. They’ll try anything to get you back. Once the scapegoat leaves, 2 things happen: 1) They get frantic. They have no one to blame for their perverted, sick thoughts and actions. The scapegoat is neccesary for this. 2) They will be scared to death that you will tell others what has happened to you and what THEY did. Smear campaigns will be rampant from them so you’re not believed and they gain 2 things from this: Attention and your alienazation.

You’re young. I wish I left at your age. My life would have been so different now. I too thought a rotten family is better than none. Boy, was I wrong. They’re not “family”. They’re your worst enemies and the more they know about you, and what you want in life, the more they’ll work against you. So…don’t tell them anything – especially that you’re fleeing or thinking about it.
Get into therapy with someone who is experienced in abusive realationships. You need to gain strength. It’s tough in the beginning, Honey, and the pain never really goes away. But,the rewards are SO worth it.


Wounded bird June 22, 2014 at 11:17 am

Can relate sadly. I am trying to reconnect with them since I got cancer. I feel no support and feel like a burden already. Trying to work through forgiveness and present issues. I pretty much given the past to god.


ps271 September 16, 2014 at 7:45 pm

WoW..I knew that there were others, but I never knew that something so Ugly could be worded so Beautifully. My narcissistic mother just recently passed. I had removed myself from the entire situation for the past 15 years (my life was so much better) Of course she contacts me just before she dies to try and make herself feel better (just as I knew she would) I did NOT allow it, God help me I just did not want her to die happy..I can only hope that my face was on her mind as she died..I doubt it though. I have a child & grandchildren that think I hung the moon, there was no way that I would allow her to poison my family. I still have much anger towards her but fight it every day. Of course she made sure to pit the siblings against one another before she died..Well the ones that actually cared. I personally am relieved that she is gone. I want nothing to remind me of my past life, there are my orphans that are perfectly happy. All that I can say is that if she gets into heaven, I am a shoe-in..


MeToo January 7, 2016 at 11:29 pm

My narcissist mom died a few months ago. It was strange how I didn’t feel relief, but my body did. I have been grieving more than I expected, I think for having to face the fact that our relationship will never be healed, at least not until she feels the hell fire in her afterlife that she made me feel on earth. She left my golden child brother everything. He refused to see how or why I had a problem with that – not that I was greedy, like she taught me & him to believe, but the problem I had was that he, to this day, refuses to acknowledge that she abused me. He and my younger brother also see nothing wrong with golden boy being the only one on her life insurance policies. So the sibling trouble intensified for a few months. I was fighting to keep a relationship with my brothers, but they hurled accusations at me like just like Mama taught them to. Karma hasn’t been mean to them . . . yet. I pity the fools.


MaybeSunday January 28, 2016 at 8:49 pm

Me too, I had a similar situation. My NM who was also bi-polar passed suddenly and although my enabling father, who lives me half time and the other half with my golden child executor sibling… He gives everything to my sibling, everything. I just am physically ill having him here in my home, my sibling executor bullied me into taking him. He’s either cruel or extremely naive but he offers us boasting and demands and praise of my golden child sibling. My sibling is bleeding my father dry on cars, trips, remodels, and other luxuries, we have received or been offered nothing. My sibling killed his cat for oeeing on the family rug while he was here. My sibling never cleans his room, it’s filthy from what I hear. As children, my sibling was treated favorable while I was emotionally and physically abused. I am in my forties and the pain is just too much with my father living here. I’m afraid to tell him he can’t stay and would feel guilty. I was kicked out at age 11 to get a job to earn money for the family while my sibling went to camp, has piano lessons, Girl Scouts, I wasn’t allowed any of that. When I turned 17 and graduated from high school I was kicked out and my parents wouldn’t get a student loan. I honestly don’t know how I survived. Well, I do, it was from strangers that helped me and I am still friends with those people today even though they live thousands of miles away. Today I have several advanced degrees and a nice home, great husband, travelled all over the world but I cannot get rid of loneliness even though my family loves me. I always wanted love and recognition from my parents, I see I will never achieve that. My sibling has always relied on everyone to take care of their family, whether it be my parents or in-laws for everything from food to home, cars to vacations. I have not asked for anything nor was ever offered. In my college undergrad days I was a straight A student and eating ramen noodles 24/7 as that was all I could afford and working 3 jobs while going to college. My sibling who worked as a bartender and smiled and drank got to live at home rent free. I guess the gift I got was self-reliance, but all I wanted was to be loved. My young child asked me why I wasn’t loved by my father, she’s so little but notices. It’s heartbreaking.


Thora October 16, 2014 at 1:08 pm

I too feel that my mother is a narsissist. I have said it many times over the years. And yes she has caused strife between me and my 3 sisters to this very day. I am now 55 and still destests her. I have tried and tried over the years to accept that she is probably bipolar. Blame the illness. But she is the most cruelest and hateful person I know in this world and I will never forgive her for the wedges she has put between myself and my sisters. I hate the way she mentally abuse my father and he puts up with it because of her threats to him. I only hope that the moment she dies she sees wha tan awful person she really is!!!! Now if I could only live my life with out depression.


MeToo January 7, 2016 at 11:38 pm

I know what you mean Thora. My mom, on her death bed gave me that ole look – you know the one where you can see the evil in her eyes. I’m over half a century old and still felt like the helpless little girl, full of real fear, for no good reason, standing there while she looked me up and down with a satisfied, snarly half grin, that I wasn’t dressed right and my hair was not good enough for her. If she had had the strength to get out of that bed, and the belief that she could take me down, she would have. It’s sad for that to be our last look at each other. I feel guilty even saying the truth, but the truth will set you free my friend. I no longer will try to talk about it with my siblings because they still blame me for everything. They will have to answer Karma, and from personal experience Karma is a bitch.


Brightness October 18, 2014 at 7:22 am

Hello This was an interesting read, I’m an ENTJ personality type so from an early age I was very intuitive. I was adopted with my sister into a family that was either dysfunctional or became dysfunctional. At 2 years old my personality was already quite strong. I feel that adoptive sibling rivalry between two same blood youngest adopted ( I was the younger) might have triggered my mother or the NPD may have been their already. When I fell at 2.5 broke my arm my mother believed not to help me because she believed I was mentally ill as the little child ( who believed I was an adult!) got angrier and angrier until my neighbour took me for a cast!!
What I witnessed at that age was LACK OF EMPATHY ( my poor mother just didn’t connect with me…. I saw all sorts ABUSE BY PROXY with other people, myself etc this is a good thing to read or look up) it helped me understand.
I was taken into authority care at 13 and was lucky to have a brilliant social worker however had no education in care ( sadly there was some abuse in the system ) left at 17 into a council flat was petrified ) at 21 my mother wanted me back and everytime I saw her my sister got jealous and blamed me. So I got away from them all – educated myself got degrees, worked hard ( it was very very hard) lost my partner ( death cancer / heart) at 29 still trundled on. Always felt a hole not having family but remained in contact letter with my real sister ) then when I was 38 a senior lecturer, designer etc and with all the wealth I could have. My sister rang me out of the blue and wanted to see me, my intuition warned me and I ignored it.
THE HORROR. My real older sister who i was adopted with called me a for having no lines, she started bringing up the past and blaming me ( I was quite vulnerble because I always took on the blame for my sisters unhappiness. The worse thing was I saw she had turned into our mother. She told me our dad was dying as I was leaving…,
I left and I self sabbatorged myself and my life and lost everything because I was so depressed and I suppose angry seeing how she had become.she later rang me and screamed ” see you are not the special talented one now are you, I have been disinherited too which is to be expected.
After spending the last 4 years rebuilding my life and getting used to a new lifestyle! In pound land he he
What I’m glad of is that I am well adjusted, have empathy too much sometimes, and I’m lovely
I feel sorry for my mother as I understand her, sometimes I cry my eyes out, as a child of 4 years old I felt I was feeding love into a bottomless pit and at 9 years old I knew my poor mother no matter how much love I gave her ( she didn’t love herself) she was an adorable middle class teacher.
I have no contact with any of them now, I still pine sometimes for my mother and my sister but the whole unit is disfunctional because sadly no one understood the mecanisiums ( spelling) involved.
As a 43 year old and still learning. .
If your family are aiding your dreams giving you freedom to be you and do what you want to do go for it.
If they are not and you are in severe confusion with all the gas lighting etc. Triangulation
then leave, leaving is very hard and scary because there is always the control.
At a young age I found it hard to say ” I can’t deal with all of this right now – so I want to have a break and do my own thing and come back when I am ready”
I did it by exposing my mother and an angry letter.

Which later I felt guilty about as I felt sorry for her when older and more healed.
2. Get your independence
3. Get strong and find who you are and go through all the rumbles of life, read, get counselling if it doesn’t trigger or hurt too much and do what is right for you.
4. Educate about healthy relationships and watch carefully
For attracting other people with similar characteristics in relationships ( not out fault but sadly we can be attracted to familiarity.
Be VERY VERY careful of other siblings – if it doesn’t feel right let go – and if any want to see you later on in life out of the blue ( when you are doing very well ) be stronger than I was – my mother when she heard I had done well I’m afraid their was bitterness in her voice ….
My sister is now sadly abusing her kids
Anyway to all – after growing up in all of this we have very insightful minds and no matter what has happened or what we have lost – the big thing we all have and lucky to have whether young or older is that AWARENESS and insightful ness and understanding.
Love and ((((hugs))))) to you ((((all))))


Brightness October 18, 2014 at 7:38 am

Dear Thora,
I’m sending you a hug ((())) I can relate to the anger at the wedges created and what you are going through is so unjust . The beauty is you see the wedges created but maybe sadly the others don’t . It was a shame even though I tried with my sister when 26 by letter to say look she has issues and let it go or take your anger and speak to the person responsible but it never worked as some are still craving love or unable to understand or have blocked the whole thing out.
It’s a horrible situation to be in and can make you feel powerless. Some of these posts I read were from some really clued up people … and they helped me, even your post. I hope the horrible depression lifts – I find it comes and goes with me and the more I think about them all the worse it gets and I can end up in bed for a few days… But then I’m okay again – and you will be too you sound very strong .


Jane Bartels November 5, 2014 at 5:18 pm

Hi…..I’ve read all of the comments above and my heart goes out to everyone here. Narcissistic parents are the pits. I know. My dear father was not a narcissist, but he was a drunk. Married to my extreme Narcissist mother would do that to many people. It was a defensive mechanism. My mother is not only a narcissist but an emotional sadist. I am 66 and she is 94, and her venom is still pouring forth. However, in the last 4 years I have gone No Contact. It has given me room to breathe and to contemplate what has happened in this very, very dysfunctional family. I was always the scapegoat and my two brothers the golden boys. I was only ‘praised’ to people outside the family so she would look good. I never could give her enough of hand made quilts, paintings, pillows, etc. She always moved the goal posts but never for ‘her boys’. Her venom really started to pour when I achieved something. In 4 years I published 4 books and these were well received. The last and only letter I got from her stated this: “I can never be truly proud of you because you didn’t allow me into your artistry.”

Hah~ This is the leitmotiv of a real Narcissist. It doesn’t matter that she had NOTHING to do with my books (poetry mostly, and this must have grated on her because she considers herself to be a poet…and a bad one she is…) and frankly, HAD I allowed her anything to do with my work of many years…..she would have perverted it. A narcissist claims everything they can when they see an opening. She ignored me for decades, even saying that “I was not a REAL mother (on Mother’s Day) because I had adopted my son. Her cruelty and evil is not abating at all at her age. When I did call her (a couple of times because of deaths in the family) the first thing out of her mouth was: “I’m not leaving you anything.” Fine and I am NOT coming to your funeral. I am not such a hypocrite to weep over the coffin of such a person who has destroyed a family and continues to do so.

Turn your energies to actualizing yourself and your potential. Look for a good therapist who understands narcissism in all its aspects (I found an older woman who has become a mother-substitute of a sort….) and understand this: Narcissists don’t improve with age. The wiring is too twisted up. They will continue to be cruel and crazy making. I have also gone NC with the siblings because they are just puppets of the chief narcissist and have become narcissists in their own right. How much time do we want to waste on these people? They are toxic.

After decades of self-doubt, of feeling unworthy, of feeling depressed (this continues but it’s mostly an automatic thing….because it’s hard to put aside the abuse of before…our own wiring is twisted into knots…) and being told (by her and an ex husband…) that I would never amount to anything, that I was the trouble maker in the family (yeah right) I have finally come into the Light. I remember her now only for her negative examples…there is little to admire in this person, but I also strive to be mindful about my own actions towards others, and myself.

We can’t make up for all the abuse of our childhood, which does extend into our adulthood, but learning boundaries ,..something that we were denied to put into place as children….learning boundaries and sticking to them…helps now.

Narcissists never change…they just get more warped as they age. Why would they even attempt to change? It’s the world which is screwed up, not them. They are blind but we don’t have to be.


Anonymous March 30, 2015 at 6:55 pm

Very well said, thank you Jane



Rebecca May 6, 2015 at 1:27 pm

Hi Jane – I turn 50 next week, and I am the only Daughter of a “Narcissistic As Hell” Mother. Everything has ALWAYS been about her. She has been mean-spirited and hostile for years. I can’t trust her as far as I can see her. Since my Step-Father passed last year, I routinely hear ““I’m not leaving you anything.” I advised her to “Please! Take me out of your will NOW, so neither of us has to hear a thing about it anymore.” Yet…of her four children (I have 3 Brothers), I have done the most for her. I’ve been there – years of vacation time dedicated to provide assistance during medical emergencies! But, she’ll look anyone straight in the face and say “Rebecca’s done nothing”! Badmouthing her children to one another…and of late, I’m the “bad seed”. Well, I told her what I thought of that (my Brothers’ just placate her to “get by”, since they only have to talk to her on the phone). Anyway, I said “ENOUGH”, and I haven’t spoken to her for over a month. Years ago, I went an entire year without speaking to her, but that was still when I was battling depression and still scared of her. I remember the day she called and I answered the phone – I hated it I didn’t have caller i.d. back then. My Mom is 76 and dying from terminal kidney cancer. I got sick of her threatening to “disown me” and spewing her anger. Mostly, tired of her triangulating ways with my weak-willed Brothers who play into her antics, just long enough to get off of the phone with her. I’ve begged them to form a unified front to end her “triangulation”, but they are too weak to do so. So, I’ve opted to move forward ALONE. Tired of the drama; and my Mother’s back-stabbing all of us. Oh – and the BEST thing she does is ACT INNOCENT to family friends and strangers!

So, Jane you are right “Narcissists Never change” and it’s ALWAYS everyone else’s fault. I should know…..I spent a life with a Mother who constantly pointed out my fault b/c as she was fond of telling me “she’s only doing it b/c she loves me!”



MeToo January 7, 2016 at 11:53 pm

Thank you Jane. Boundaries are the most important thing I think. Also, it is obvious to me now, that we are fortunate in many ways. We are lucky to not be the poor golden child who lives in a make-believe world that exists only in their minds. Also, the years have taught us to see through the layers of phony people who are narcissist and not fall prey to their evil crap anymore.


HeyMcFly May 2, 2015 at 12:18 pm

I lived this….only it was my father…not my mother. It still goes on now that we are in our 30s and he is near 70. I try to let go of the resentment. It’s hard but I know he was raised the same way and wasn’t strong enough to “break the cycle”. I have decided I will never abuse and manipulate my children the way he did us


hidding in plain sight June 9, 2015 at 3:24 pm

Any one else here think that the Narcisist is the way they are because of internalized misogyny, powerlessness, leading to self hate and hate of seeing daughters even achieving a modicum of social equality past what they had? I dare say, I do see this as the cause of their malignancy and sadism. But getting them to see it is a whole other thing, because they believe they have to manipulate sneakily as the only means of effectuating anything, in addition to placating the more aggressive bully men in their lives, which they them selfs raise as sons….control, power and control…there is no two way communication as a way to work things out, only very defined gender expectations for which the girls must bare the brunt and sacrifice to keep some sort of twisted peace that is not beneficially to them.


MeToo January 7, 2016 at 11:56 pm

Interesting Hiding in Plain Sight. I think you have shown me another angel in the twisted mind of those narcs. And we know there are many angels in those evil ones.


KiwiGurl June 21, 2015 at 11:46 pm

Thank you everyone for relating such open stories about your experiences.
I don’t think I ever saw the difficulties in my and my mothers relationship as being anything but normal ‘mother-daughter stuff’. But I have been a year NC and I hAve read and learnt so much.
Eighteen months ago I (43) had a bad accident and my mother really helped me for a month and to a point, at which point it seemed she could help no more – and expressed some discontent that I had lacked appreciation ‘after all she’d done for me’. I tried a little to repair this but I was fragile and lacked the health or resources to be able to satisfy her ‘needs’.
She then set out on a mission of scapegoating, with family and friends and my brother. A brother who I believed more so than anyone else was awake to her manipulation and even handed in his approach. She made a range of ridiculous, mean, obscene and just cruel accusations at even that I had stolen family heirlooms from a uncle, who kindly sent an email that this wasn’t the case. My mothers husband a nasty bully came over and assaulted me and when I involved the police – the shame- I was vilified further. Apparently they came for coffee!!!
But the most disappointing is my brother who has sucked all this rubbish up. An educated, intelligent man, who cannot see that a Real Mother doesn’t say cruel things about her children, doesn’t wedge and drive apart relationships. A real mother nurtures the relationships between her children.
It seems I can lose the relationship with my mother but the lose of my brother is too big a disappointment. .


Lee July 8, 2015 at 5:50 pm

I went NC a few years ago not really fully grasping my mother could have this personality disorder. She just lied to me so much and manipulated me in some disgusting ways. Her abuse robbed me of my formative years. She too enjoyed setting me up to physically abused by my brother.

She bears no responsibility for her violence. She sees herself as the victim, and even admits that she will get away with lying. When I mentioned I needed help because of what she had done all she could say was that i was “rude.”

She was my mother. Mostly she is a very bad narcissistic person who will likely never be held accountable for anything.


Katie Freedom July 19, 2015 at 12:23 am

It is a relief to find the stories of others that survived the strange and toxic environment of a narcissistic family. I barely survived mine not understanding for decades what I was the chosen recipient of a collaborative effort to erase me in the family constellation. In fact, they would never erase me because they needed a scapegoat. I say they, because after my father died, and my sadistic narcissistic mother became completely incapacitated by Alzheimer’s my 2 siblings took up the bullying mistreatment where she left off.

It no longer matters to me which person felt what or what their wounded story is, I just want to be safe now. I’ve been no contact with my brother for 2 years and recently understood my sister couldn’t stop the triangulation or get honest about our lives, The freedom of saying “this is enough” is enormous. Earlier on if at any point the 2 siblings that got something out of being golden children and mommy rescuers (she was rich there was money involved) had been honest, together we could have stepped out of some of the toxicity. But, because they were benefiting financially and emotionally they kept up the triangulation, the scapegoating, the toxic cruelty of momma dearest.

The sad part is if anyone had been willing to be honest about how insane it all was and get real about the games mom played we could have all stepped up together and been safe from the legacy of narcissism. Instead they project their sick traits on me, business as usual but I’m no longer playing the game with them and no longer have interest in being part of the “family” Its is just freedom. I’d rather be an orphan in the world and emotionally happy and free than endure one more minute of the lies that maintain a facade of a family


MeToo January 8, 2016 at 12:00 am

Very well put Katie Freedom. I have recently given up on my siblings as well. It was sad and I did feel grief for a long time. Now it’s over. I can see how the system my narc mom put in place is still working in their lives. I see them as pathetic now.


findingpeace August 5, 2016 at 11:39 am

Katie Freedom – our stories are so similar, and I too “just want to be safe”. Now in my 40’s, I have found peace in knowing that I am living an authentic life, doing what I love, and surrounded by love and trust in my own family. I hope you can find peace, too.


M August 23, 2015 at 6:23 pm

Hi Michelle, Thanks for this great website. I find myself revisiting it often as I break off manageable chunks to deal with.
I’d really like to ask for more articles about sibling relationships. I have come to accept the situation with my parents but it is the continuance of the pattern in my siblings that I really struggle with. I want to be part of their lives and especially the lives of my nieces and nephews but there is still so much toxic baggage. My golden child sister is still continuing the rivalry and the patterns of narcissistic abuse so I don’t see much hope there. I think that’s because it pays off so well for her. But I see hope with my brothers.
The thing is, the dynamic in our family was very much about intelligence and success. My sister was held up to be the most intelligent and successful, then my brothers when she moved out. Even though I actually had better grades, got awards, got a good job overseas I was never allowed to talk about it because it would upset my sister. I was always made out to be stupid, ridiculous, unimportant and this attitude is still with my siblings anytime we are together. I could be an neurosurgeon or astronaut but it wouldn’t change their opinion that I’m just a stupid fool. It is in small put downs, constant correction (even if it’s in my field of expertise, or a language I speak that they don’t, or reiterating exactly what I said), making fun of me. It’s like a death by a thousand tiny cuts and it seems to just be a knee jerk reaction. Anytime I am assertive it is taken as aggression – my mother’s special legacy or put down to me being ‘too sensitive’, which in my family is the ultimate insult. Nothing good I do is given credit or ‘allowed’ to be spoken of. I spent three years overseas but am not meant to mention it – maybe my sister would cry. I even find that my siblings are shocked if I say something funny that they can’t resist laughing at or say something poignant or insightful – the room just goes deadly quiet rather than ever tell me it was a good point. No matter how often what I do contradicts the role I was given, nothing changes their minds – less a confirmation bias than a pathological need to keep me in my place.
I need help. Counsellors and psychologists have given me sheets on assertive behaviour over the years but it’s not enough to deal with this sickness. At their very core, they truly believe I deserve less because I am less. My parents openly gave them things to set them up in life (like cars, computers, University education) that they didn’t give me. They invest in their families with free babysitting, money, weddings, new cars, holidays. It all seem to reiterate that that’s ok because I don’t matter. None of them have ever questioned it or stood up for me because I truly think they think that’s appropriate for me. When I railed against it I was gaslighted.
I think it’s the injustice that hurts the most. I wonder what was so wrong with me that I was unlovable by both of my parents and the intergenerational aspect of this rolling pattern of neglect and abuse means I can’t get out unless I sacrifice my relationship with my nephews and nieces. Can you please offer any advice? Thank you.


Me too September 11, 2015 at 2:02 pm

Sadly I can agree here. My parents are both quite narcissistic. My sister turned out just like my mom. Today she showed me something I have her and said, do you want this now? I said no, it’s yours. My sister replied well when I die you may not get it back.
I then replied, I’m sure your husband todd would give it to me. No he would be dead too.
I’m wondering what the meaning of this strange conversation is all about!
Then I figured it out…. I’m not in her estate, will etc. Her only sister. This was her way of telling me that.
In my family growing up, in an violent and chaotic home. No one could speak in real terms…. Everything is left to guess. I honestly have given up. My sister is my parents fave child, she is their choice of who will handle things when they die. Because I brought up abuse issues,,, I’m forever hated now.


Me too September 11, 2015 at 2:05 pm

I hate to say this but there is no hope for these type of abusuve families. There is just too much dysfunction and hate. A lot of fakeness going on. A lot of talking behind the back. But I can understand the wanting to be loved. But it comes with too high a price tag anymore for me. Good luck.


judy September 15, 2015 at 6:38 pm

44yrs old and now everything is clear in my mind, Im a child of a narcissistic mother of 6 a little more complicated, but definitely all of us with childhood scars, lots of rivalry and bad sibiling relationship.


suzinne September 18, 2015 at 4:03 pm

My mother was a raging Narcissistic/Borderline Personality witch. She pitted my brother against me and all sorts of other ugliness. Left everything to my brother too.

The good part is that she is GONE.


MeToo January 8, 2016 at 12:06 am

It is good to not have to deal with all of the manipulation and fear now that she is gone. She can”t hurt me anymore unless I allow myself to believe the lies she made up.


Susan September 18, 2015 at 9:44 pm

Thank you for this website and the information everyone has shared. I am an adult survivor who still suffers from the emotional wounds my mother inflicted. I was the scapegoat and my siblings were taught to blame me as part of the family dynamics. We siblings were and still are actively pitted against each other by my mother. We siblings now have little to no contact with each other. I came across the topic of scapegoating in families when researching dysfunctional families and finally found the reason as to why my family is so deeply dysfunctional. My mother always made sure to blame our lack of contact on we siblings and I have been labeled as the troublemaker who has caused the family distance. I realized today that I really don’t know what it feels like to be loved and accepted in my family. However I am lucky to have married a good man and have made a point when I had children not to be like my mother. My adult children are well adjusted and have strong positive relationships. I have only recently opened up to them about the abuse I suffered from my mother. They are helping me deal with my hurt. What is the best approach in handling my deeply flawed mother? We have contact but lashes out and plays the victim when called out on her bad behavior. Some literature recommends no contact as the family dynamics will never be healthy. Is there any hope for my siblings and I? Or just accept the fact that these relationships are too badly damaged to ever recover?


Beth September 29, 2015 at 10:06 am

It’s comforting to read these posts when in the throes of an unexpected narcissistic crisis. My mom, too, is narcissistic. She’s great at showing that she cares sometimes, but it feels like a loan. I mean, she does something nice, but there’s this uneasy feeling that at some point you’ll be punished and never really understand why. She’s been great at encouraging me that I will overcome all of my failures and that maybe someday God will shine his light on my utter uselessness. It’s a strange message, so confusing. She has a way of always making you feel like you’re never, ever enough. AND if something is good or great in your life, than she’s jealous and shifts the attention to her self-pity, or acts as though you had nothing to do with creating that happiness yourself– it must’ve been an act of God and surely God expects more of you, still. Never, ever enough.
You hope and hope and hope for that connection. For real love. For anything real. Just real, not perfect, just, please, real. Sometimes I’ve thought I had it, a connection, but to only have the rug pulled out it seems. This last time was sooo painful. She’s old now and I want to help her. My sister is the savior however and I am dirt. My sister, who, my whole life has smeared my character to everyone in my family and extended family, and done it with such flair. She’s a professional at it. When I first really understood this dynamic, in my forties, I was so surprised at the revelation of it. I couldn’t believe it. But it was such a relief to know that it wasn’t me. That I had found a truth and the truth was that I’m not a loser. I’m not incapable. I’m not selfish. I’m not what my sister has called me behind my back all these years and continues to do, all in the name of trying to get our mother to love her most. Really, to feed my sister’s narcissism. My sister sought power, money, and outer prestige to try and get love. She sought annihilation of me to find her comfort. She’s still doing it. When I don’t feel devastated by the loss of my family’s love and support I actually have compassion for their hurt and confusion. Love is so simple, just not easy when there is narcissism. I work, now, to not confuse my empathy for their pain with my need to keep myself intact and walking in truth — that I am complete. I am worthy of love and ever so capable of sharing real love, no strings, no attachments, just my own truth. I wish we all could be healed of this painful family and relationship dynamic. That would be wonderful, but it begins with me and knowing the truth and staying in the truth — that I am worthy, capable, and optimistic about truth, that truth is the only way. So if I stay on the path of truth, than maybe somehow, they too are helped. I just won’t find that path by being their rug to stomp on. Thank you all.


Road to Recovery October 6, 2015 at 2:54 pm

I discovered my mother was a NPD after Googling “why are some mothers to mean to their daughters.” Now that I know exactly the reason …. I need help. I need help responding to her. I don’t want to feed her ammunition. & there is no point in telling her what the problem is. She wants to take my daughter from me. I have set boundaries. I have welcomed her at any time to come to our home for visits. I witnessed her NRAGE when not catering to her demands. I stayed calm, but didn’t want to say too much. I want so badly to go no contact. But as the engulfed NM she will not let that happen so easily. How do I respond? I have taken another big step in my own recovery. There is no going back. It will never be easy. But I will not show her I am weak or not serious about standing my ground & keeping my boundaries. What do you say to this kind of person? How do you say it?



MeToo January 8, 2016 at 12:16 am

I went no contact for 5 years. Then I thought since mom was old, and had had 5 years to miss me we could have a relationship. It was only worse. My daughter had a child and my mom manipulated my child by letting her have her car – with strings attached, of course. My daughter had to spend every day driving my old bitter mom around with my new grand-baby. One time my daughter told my mom that my grand-baby was spending the night with me, and get this – my mom was so jealous that she started crying and told my daughter she had to go (on the phone). That is so sick; my own mother didn’t want me to spend time with my own grandchild. I wonder if she’s in hell yet. I don’t want her to be, but I honestly don’t see how she could escape it.


Dawn Williams October 12, 2015 at 3:45 pm

Heartfelt thanks for this enlightening information and testimonies. Have lived it. Don’t want to live it again. Mom was NPD. Dad was weak but more caring. Family secrets were the norm. Moving every one to two years commonplace. Knew little to nothing of extended family. Little chance to form long term relationships or belong in community/school settings.Oldest and a girl, I was at times GC and in later years scapegoat. My only sibling, a brother were close as youngsters but rarely interacted in adulthood. Very hurtful, damaged relationship. Thanks to my son and his son there has been some healthy contact in recent years. Yes, I have PTSD but thanks to my immediate loving family, good friends and accepting God as my real and only father and Jesus as my best friend I will leave this world in peace. Something I never dreamed could happen in my lifetime. Good luck to all and God Bless.


Tricia October 17, 2015 at 4:16 pm

I just realized after reading up on Narcissistic Mothers and think that’s been the problem all of these years. I am 54 the youngest of 2 siblings. My brother and mother seem to be so much alike. He and I have never gotten along, of course unless he was down and out and needed his “sister, ole buddy, ole pal”. My mother continues to this day to play he and I against each other.
She is currently disables and can’t drive. Doctors are trying to determine causes of neuropathy going on in her body. She has many doctor appts and other errands needing to be run. She will only depend on her 2 children to do them. Has too much pride to ask other people to help. Has other people that have said they would be glad to help but she refuses to ask them. I have a full time work schedule and very busy in my church. I try to put God 1st in my life, second is my husband. My mother even told me a little while back when I couldn’t take her to an appointment that she thought that she came 2nd not my husband. My brother hates that my husband and I are happy and are best of friends and have a life. He thinks I should help with at the snap of a finger and fusses and tells me that we “owe” it to her. After all, he says, she did a lot for us and ran for us growing up
My Dad died when I was 15. I ended up rebelling and got pregnant at 17. She stood by me during that time but when my son was born she kept him for me while I finished school and tried to figure out my life. Now she acts as though my son is her child. Of course he never sees her (he has pretty much isolated his family, but that’s another story) My family life growing up was nothing memorable. No encouragement, always told that we couldn’t do things, made to be in church every time the doors opened (but that was fine) She was the dominant parent. She did the spanking. I remember that She even left whelps on my legs when I had to go to church on Sundays, so afraid people would see them.
I have been trying to help our currently with her situation by taking her to the doctors some and getting her groceries. I have decided that I am no longer going to jeopardize my job or my marriage or my life for her or my brother. I told her that I can’t do her grocery shopping because I don’t have the money to get it. She does reimburse me but I don’t have the money to start with. She has a dog that she spends about $100 on like, rib-eye steaks, hamburgers, $14 bags of dog treats, chocolate candy, expensive deli meat and so on. that doesn’t count groceries for her. I can’t afford it. So I asked her to let me have a copy of her credit card and I could help and she could pay the card. She refused. Said she didn’t want me to have her card cause it was “hers” and was afraid something would happen to it. I ask her if she trusted me. She said yes but someone could steal it. I told her if that happened we would call the company and cancel and she said No I don’t want to do that. I asked her to give me a couple of checks and she said the same thing.
This woman has been a negative and depressed person most of her life. All of her family never comes to see her. 1. because of the dog and 2. because her negativity will wipe you out. She had the nerve the other day to tell me that I needed to get happy. Could not believe that. I just laughed at it.
I have promised to take her to 2 appts this coming week. I’m only doing it cause I promised and that will probably be it. I will continue to take her if I have free time. Any advise on what to say and how to deal would be great. I am meeting my brother to pick her up next week so I have to encounter both of them. Wish me luck.. I have prayed for the situation and asked God to take it. I pray I can let it go. As my husband says, they can’t eat you.


Anonymous November 8, 2015 at 3:56 am

Hi I hope you’ve coped since your post & feel better for finding this site. It’s terrible that so many of us have endured this, but for me terrifying that the disorder is passed on genetically, especially as it is virtually unheard of to anyone who has not been on the receiving end.

My advice is stay strong with the support of the those who genuinely love you. Remember at all times it isn’t safe to trust your mother or your brother if you remain in contact. It’s your choice to retain any form of contact or not. They will manipulate you with guilt or aggression. Don’t let yourself fall prey to the game where you are made to look like a terrible person to their gang of ‘everyone else’. I promise you the world is larger than their circles and they never wander too far for fear of being exposed for what they know they are doing. There’s a world full of people outside their reach who have not been sucked into the game and anyone worth worrying about would not judge you. I know it’s hard when they use family members to criticise you and tell you how awful you are, but you are not a bad person. Your mother & brother will try all they can to keep you in their game because they need it. You don’t need it, you have a freedom they don’t, celebrate that! I realised that I’d been brought up in a jail cell with an open door, I was the one allowing my self to stay in it and was never so happy as the day I picked up and walked out of the cell. Shut the door & be free. Only peep back at them through the bars if you trully must, for your own reasons, help out if you can spare the resources, physically and emotionally, don’t allow yourself to be drained and certainly don’t waste another precious moment tied up in knots of guilt and anger if you cannot help them or choose not to contact them.


MeToo January 8, 2016 at 12:24 am

Tricia, it’s funny, in a coincidental way, that I have researched narcissists and many say that they all have a little dog or two that they shower with “affection.” They say the reason for them having the little dogs is to show everyone how wonderful they are because the love the little dogs so much. It’s always about them, whatever they do. My mom had two little dogs who she treated as if she loved them – that is as long as anyone was around; we all know things are very different when no one is looking. I felt so sorry for those little dogs.


paul November 24, 2015 at 11:08 pm

Your article is great, and it hits on exactly the fighting between my three brothers occur for the last 20 years. Golden child, emotional exhustion, My father died many years ago
I moved out on my own before he died. too much to talk about now, but on thing for sure
my mother was a narcissis my father was in the mob. and all my mother did was pit all four of her sons against each other, no on talks to each other I big shame, wish my father would been in the loop more


Cris December 22, 2015 at 9:29 am

I grew up with a Narcissistic Mother and a alcoholic father. Your article described our family perfectly. I realized recently that I have lived my live in fear, From childhood to mid life. I have been blessed with a loving wife and family but my siblings relationship’s has been less than close. I learned a long time ago to not get to attached to them and there spouses. I hope to god that this type of personality trait isn’t passed on to my kids and grand children. Thank you for the article.


Mlb January 11, 2016 at 1:37 am

I’m going through this not as a victim as such. “Or am I” my partners mother as all the trates as a nmother, my partner is the gold child. This is not the usual “motherinlaw” thing. She is an emotional drain on our relationship. Her constant longing for him to be with her. The sybling rivalry between his brothers and sisters is off the scale, of which she has caused all of it. My partner is loving but she always makes him feel guilty. He could spend hours or even days with her and it’s not enough. The guilt causes problems in our relationship. I know hate is a strong word but I can’t help feeling it for her what she puts him through. I know some people are going to say he needs to grow a pair but it’s not that simple. She is is mother at the end of the day. She is now 70 years old. I dread the day she passes because of the affect its going to have on our family.


Tjay January 14, 2016 at 10:12 am

When golden-boy sibling was getting abusive, my place setting at the table switched sides for 3 years! Guess she was trying to groom me to fill the seat, but I didn’t fit the bill.

She reached out through adoption services to find her long lost child, and created a new temporary golden-boy out of him. Finally pulled me back in to the family and my place at the table flipped back to my traditional scapegoat side.

She then elevated the original golden-boy back to his place, and all but forgot the adopted lost child. He must be confused by the rapid love-bombing and discard, all in 2 years time.

They do switch roles they have made for us, it’s like a damned shell game to them.


moodytwoshoes February 13, 2016 at 2:40 am

Pls read the way of all flesh by Samuel Butler on how parents use religion it control their children.


Ammy March 21, 2016 at 3:39 pm

This describes a lot of what I’ve been through for the past thirty-two years with my half-sister (11 years younger than me). My sister and I are not close at all and she didn’t invite me to her wedding last year because of my mother’s gossip and stirring, as usual. The final straw has come though, and I’m now being excluded from my nieces lives. My mother is repeating the exact same scenario that ensured my sister and I remain disparate and competing with one another. I refuse (absolutely!) to go through all this again, and be made out to be the ‘villain’.

I’m in my early forties and desperately need to make connections with people who have my best interests at heart, and stop attempting to get any affection from those who’ve hurt me physically, psychologically and/or emotionally, time and time again. I’m making a HUGE step forward and currently making arrangements to move away from where I have lived all my life, and I’m going no contact with them all. Enough is enough! I simply don’t have the energy for this abuse any more.


Sandra April 9, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Hi..I have lived it but being the eldest I get chopped by the the 4 younger because I live in a house that belongs to my mothera nd each time I recieve money I invest some in this house and then moms house. Well they see her at 78 and her dieing and leaving this house to me. Which my intntions are just to help her being that she is a widow for the past 24 years. She never worked out of the home but once when dad hurt his back. So Ihave stuck close by in order for her to feel not so alone and little by little she became more and independent but not really. I have filled some of the gaps financially.when need be,so I have had to stay a bit close and then back to normal but always put her needs first with her house than in the one that I live in. So I need things done here but can’t because by being honest all I have done is gained more jealousy from my siblings. Funny thing is they never put in anything, yes personal gifts but for repairs none. Not even a house fire that we had. The scary part is that God is constantly in their vocabulary. Not mine although I am the one none for action not words. So the youngest is the scapegoat of the golden child, the two youngest sisters. And there is one 11 months younger than I. And my brother in the middle. My mother cannot know if one of us blesses the other. She wants and wants never enough. My downfall is that I look lime my grandmother her mother in law which she ais was not good to her but yet I don’t recall her being ugly to her nor any of us. She gave us much attention and took us places. There is so much more. Today I call to say hi and did not answer so she calls back with an attitude. I said hi how are you and she says here all they do is take me out to eat and to stores but not to any outings…I td her well I thought you wod be out with them, I said well I don’t really get out me and Dom are tired bu Friday andime to be home, plus cash is low rigbt now but he enjoys video games. She says well it doesn’t cost anything to get out any go walk some where. So then she said that I had mail from legalaid, I said oh it’s for the help on the car place that kept my down payment. By this time I out two and teo together my sister had said to her a month ago that my friend could help mom with an estate will. This is all I said so sense I live here, she went and to my mom behind my back not to sign anything making it seem that me and my friend are poro up to no good. Sorry sibling after I just supported her in this house. Things as this and how easily my mother buys it after all I’ve done. Well, I blew up, I told her that I was sick and tired of their accusations and after taking it all of these years I have had it and was going to end up leaving with my son and saving him. She was just so kind on Monday while I ran around for her and then she flips , not giving me the benefit of the doubt. Just like her golden child that has hated me since she jumped me for no reason in my early 20’s. My mother never tells them the good I do for her. And I ask her why and she never says but I believe she plays everyone. I donot care about no estate just always tired of the drama and at 54 I am determined to get figured out. So, she tellse that I must have alot of money to move out. I have been honest all the way with her, too loyal for what I have at 54. It’s tieme to throw in the towel and they can just stay with it, I just can’t save her anymore. So, she slams the phone on me after she starts this by doubting me. I don’t care now which is what they want or b for once instead of nice will make a difference.


LM April 26, 2016 at 8:55 am

Is it possible for this scenario to be played out in a dysfunctional family by the eldest sibling (our mother passed away many years ago)? This perfectly describes my family.


Alexander J. Federowicz April 26, 2016 at 9:50 pm

I have a similar experience here. My father has been the Narcissist. He learned this behavior from his mother, as it always benefited him. He is highly educated with a Phd. in Nuclear Physics, and Mathematics. Also he studies logic and Game theory as a hobby. So what you end up with there in my opinion, is someone who can actually cross over from Narcissistic Sociopath, into Full blown Psychotic, and back in very careful manners which evade detection. As I understand it A sociopath can control their psychotic behavior and therefor only does it at acceptable times, and in society accepted ways. A fully psychotic person has the behavior, and also can not control it, so they cross the line, and finally get detected, diagnosed, and often institutionalized. My father would likely have the skills to work around many of the unspoken / spoken rules that define this behavior. A good number of very smart people out there do in fact get away with murder. My father grew up with a Narcissistic mother ( as an estimated minimum, but she may have been worse ). My dad was made into the Good / Golden Child at an early age, and his sister was made into the bad child, and this zero sum game of Praise the good child and reward the good child while consistently doing the negative to his sister was done with him right on up into adulthood. He was one of two children, and my sister and I make up our two child family. It appears that the behavior merely switched sexes, and did a polar reversal in the next generation. I was the bad child. I was blamed for every problem the family had, worse still, at a very early age my sister appears to have figured out, that my father welcomed the chance to scold and denigrate my person, while praising, and uplifting hers.
The impact on my life became unbearable. At a very early age, probably 5 or 6 years, every single chance our family had where we could share any true quality time, became a chance for my sister to do her little things that just bothered me terribly. What was more telling, was that when no parents were around to reward her aggravation of my piece of mind, she was absolutely an angel, and a delight to be around, but enter my father, and sometimes my mother (But, Mainly Always my dad), and within moments she was slipping in these actions that would bug the living hell out of me. Here are the general sum of my fathers actions. ((1.) I was told, I was not very intelligent many time, and also that I would have to work very hard at a blue collar job all of my life. This was very carefully emphasized to me many times. I was denied each and every form of education and specific learning opportunity specifically when it was at any time where I could truly succeed at it. While in grade school I made the decision to defend a bunch of small weaker children who were always getting beaten up on the school bus by some really bad bullies. I single handedly cornered the bullies, and forced them all to the back of the bus, on threat of a severe pummeling. The school labels “Me” a emotionally disturbed, destroys my high school years, by sending me to a Prison school. (I never laid a hand on anyone ) meanwhile my loving parents do nothing but label me and continue playing games, year later I find out these same kids threw kids over railings down the stair well, and broke their backs, and the school tried to blame it on the girl that got attacked and thrown. Our school systems are truly broken in case I was confusing anyone. So I had a major law suite that should have happened, if my parents cared about my future, but I think that’s asking for a little bit too much in my case. Meanwhile while my father is busy blaming me for “causing all of that”, he is simultaneously praising my sister, and sending her to the single most expensive Prep School in the entire state of Pa. Then from there I am dumped int the job or community college market, while again he sends my sister all expenses paid to Brown University. Then things get really interesting. My father does not seem to think I’m quite down trodden enough, so two times in a row, not once, but twice, but (2) two times, my dad contacts me, and offers to send me to community college, if I pay him back. I take him up on it, because I did not realize just how far he would go. I get into college, and do pretty good in computer programming, then I work like a dog all summer, and pay him back to the dollar, and he says great now hit the road. So I’m left having to drop out, never getting told a real reason for getting dumped. It takes me a second time to get the point 2 years later he makes the same offer, and this time I hope he is going to actually see me through. Well I work really hard, and make the deans list, and was admitted into honer studies in mathematics. I tell my father the good new at the end of the semester, and whamo, this time he is much more transparent. He gets very angry at this, yes angry, I kid you not. In intense anger he demands I repay him completely for the entire semester on the spot. I tell him it will take me time, because jobs are drying up, and I can not get many work hours. So he yanks the plug and dumps me out of college one more time with no support and my land lord says I have to move, because they only rent to students… The I finally realize after my study stride is basically destroyed by repeated intentional tricks, that my father was never trying to help me. He was really trying to Break my will to succeed in college. Period. I personally think such an act crosses the line to the actual definition zone truly psychotic behavior, masked carefully in a very perverse costume of good intentions. At that point I just stop accepting any family help and join the USAF as a Microwave electronics tech. Later I become very disabled by the Gulf war illness, and my dying grandmother tells me she wants to leave the house to me so I can go to college again some day she hopes… Well the military screws with me and hospital bills build up. My dad says he will protect the house from the bills if i put it in his name. He gets me yet again, and sells it for 5 thousand dollars, a 80k. house for 5k. He promises to leave me equivalent inheritance to cover it… I’m in terrible chronic pain, have 5 herniated discs, and two total hip replacements, so my judgement is way off at this point, and I fall for it. Ultimately out of an 89k house i get about 20k. total from my dad, and then suddenly he totally disown’s and disinherits me. He dose this suddenly, and it’s done while driving me to the airport for my trip home. It will be the last time I will ever visit my father, as I am never called or invited to anything again. Meanwhile he buys my sister and her husband a new home, gives them lots of money, renovates her home, pays for her to attend graduate school, and also pays for reproductive therapy for her. (Funny thing was ten years earlier she had bragged incessantly, that she was never going to have any kids, because, “She was too Important to have Children.” I kid you not) This is missing about one third of the story, all of which is crap my sister has pulled now as an adult, she is now a fully grown narcissist, and also on medication for mental illness. She also has gone around to almost the entire set of relatives, and done a whopping job of character assassination against me. It appears that my sister had a lot to do with my dad’s finally disinheriting me, because the money that was promised me, has now been set up in trust for her. I list all this in the hope that it will save someone else from walking my path, because If I had it all to do again, I would beg the state for adoption. I was a hard working kid, did chore all around the house because I wanted too, not because I had to, painted cleaned tuned up the cars, mowed the yard, washed dishes. Incredibly my sister never lifted a finger in that area. She was simply too busy going to the most expensive schools money could buy. Well, she could not have a baby, and she has no intention of adopting, so it’s a small mercy, but at least she will not be destroying some poor uncomprehending child with her Narcissistic insanity !!!

Any One out there know of a Really good Lawyer firm, that can possibly set these people a little bit straight. I’m in pretty tough shape from gulf war illness, and have no home, so I live with my wife in subsidized housing that rips us off, and never does any maintenance. If we had my Dear Grandmother’s home to live in we would be so much better off financially, and so much safer from devious landlords. I had so many good childhood friends in my Grandmother’s Neighborhood, and now that has simply been stolen from me by a vindictive contemptible sister, and a sociopath for a father. I no longer have any reserve about exposing their actions in court, or seeing them get straitened out by a judge, that has some real resolve to straighten those two out once and for all… So I’m sure women can be pretty bad in this area, but I’ve seen it happen with both sexes. If you know that attorney, please feel free to contact me. I’m in rough shape emotionally from this, and a therapist sure helps, but I think this needs a real day in court.


Helen Harrington May 9, 2016 at 7:30 pm

Hello, I am 50 years old and it has taken me this long to figure out that I am the victim of a narcissistic mother. I moved back to the place of my birth and family about 18 years ago with my four sons. It has been horrible ever since. I left my family vowing never to return. I was a poor single mother and my mother promised me if I came back and helped her pay off her land she would share it with me. I did and she didn’t. I ended up buying my own house not far from hers. I had an opportunity and I took it and I’m glad that I did, but it has been a war zone for me and my son’s. I was also a mother who was easily enraged when my children were young. I no longer become enraged-thankfully, but I have left a mark on my eldest son. I believe we are able to one day repair our relationship as I’m not narcissistic-I’m totally the opposite-self sacrificing then hating myself for it. I have had a lot of therapy over the years and have improved myself. I was diagnosed along time ago with a dis-associative disorder, but not ever hearing about a NPD. I punched into google mothers who lie about their daughters and all this stuff came up on NM-so relieved to finally understand what has been going on. My mother has turned my extended family against me and has contributed to my and my son’s relationships problems by telling them lies about me also. When I read a list of traits that NM display, they were all my mothers traits in the extreme. I have tried many things to try and prevent my mother hurting me to no avail and now I just want not to have contact with her. I have tried this before also and failed. When I do try and stop contact she becomes like a stalker, trying to call, leaving dozens and dozens of text messages and on some occasions getting her sister(my aunt-who I suspect may also have a NPD-whom my mother has lied about me too also) to call me saying that a mother is the most important person in a daughters life and coming to my house with my mother-laying guilt trips on me. Some times I wonder if my aunt is just trying to get my mum out of her life also. I have had enough and know that I and my sons are happiest when I don’t have contact with my mother. I just wanted to let you know that understanding and learning about NPD is freeing. I am going to be firm this time in breaking contact with my mother, even if I have to take out an AVO(a little afraid as to how that is going to go down though)(not really sure how to explain it to the courts if I do). I hope that it will not come to that and that mum will just give up and stay away if I am firm enough. I just wanted to add my comment, so that others can know that this is a real thing. thanks heaps


findingpeace August 5, 2016 at 11:12 am

I am walking the complicated tight-rope of “no contact” with a narcissistic/BPD elderly mother and a narcissistic eldest sister, while trying to maintain contact with a middle sister (who goes along with the eldest sister and seems to enable her narcissism) and my father (whom I love very much). I’ve been living with the dysfunction brought on by my mother and the bullying, social exclusion, and withholding of information by my eldest sister (and middle sister, to a large extent) for over 30 years. I’ve only recently begun to realize the emotional (and physical) toll this has taken on me and my relationships. Reading through all of your experiences is helpful beyond measure.


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