How Narcissistic Mothers Make You Vulnerable to Other Narcissists

by Michelle Piper

For narcissistic mothers, ego is often expressed through the status of their children and their success as a parent. I use the term “success” loosely, as many times a child with a narcissistic mother may not be successful because of the barriers their mothers created, especially in the emotional sense.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow up and start to develop their own intimate relationships, things can go awry. One way this may happen is you may become the “pleaser” in the majority of your relationships. Because you weren’t taught or shown true love by your mother, it can be hard to have relationships consisting of a loving bond, though you might find it easy to be exploited by yet another narcissist, especially if you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother (DONM).

One reason this happens is because the narcissistic suitor will notice the tendency you may feel to meet other’s expectations and make sure others are doing okay. It may feel normal for you to put your own needs aside for the new narcissists you meet in life, because that’s how it has always been.

You may look for someone that you feel you need to take care of and unintentionally become a codependent of that person. Narcissists prey on these kinds of people, knowing that you will bend over backwards to give them what they want, thus fueling their narcissistic supply.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers tend to choose partners similar to their primary caregivers, a.k.a. narcissists. You may reenact childhood patterns and move from a narcissistic mother onto narcissistic partners, thus continuing an exhausting cycle, usually without even noticing it.

Parental narcissism and the resulting lack of empathy in a narcissistic family system is what causes many children of narcissistic mothers to lean toward one of two styles in order to survive:

  1. Imitate the narcissistic mother’s behavior and act just like her (a narcissistic pattern).
  2. Tune into the narcissistic mother’s constant need for positive reflection and attention and become a mirror for the mother (a co-narcissistic pattern).

When you participate in a co-narcissistic pattern, you go on in life and find other narcissists to bond with in order to fill that familiar role, the one you’ve played your whole life because of your mother. Narcissists see and recognize this and that is why you may have fallen for more than one of them—as if their charm and wit was not enough.

One theorist, Harville Hendrix, proposed the Imago Theory. He suggested that we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Because our parents could not fix us, due to their own selfish wants and needs, we find a partner who matches their traits in hope that we can fix them this time and finally feel whole.

The Imago is a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers that is hidden deep in our unconscious minds. It can become the blueprint of the one we need to marry someday. If our blueprint is severely distorted by a narcissistic parent, then, of course, marriage to a narcissist is a strong possibility.

How, then, can children of narcissistic parents better protect themselves from repeating the frustrations of their childhood? The first step is to carefully evaluate who you surround yourself with and to question whether any of them are emotionally manipulative or narcissistic.

If you already have a pattern of being close to narcissists in your relationships of choice, be extra cautious. Ask someone you trust to give you their opinion of the newcomer in your life. If you feel an immediate and strong emotional attraction to someone, give yourself ample time to assess whether you are selecting someone healthy or simply someone who is a toxic imitation of past, ultimately hurtful relationships. Allowing a little time and consideration before letting someone become close can help you to select more supportive and giving relationships.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Desiree November 9, 2012 at 12:04 am

My name is Desiree and I am fifty years old. My mother and father were both narcissists, and i was damaged by both. I honestly feel that i have PTSD cuz my anxiety level is so acute that when i was a young mother and i would get to work, i would think that i forgot to drop my kids off at their daycare and left them at home. I have had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and nervous breakdowns without anyone finding out, but then it would all catch up to me and i would start demonstrating the worst impulsive behavior and scare my kids to death. I feel like such a failure, i have made so many mistakes with my kids, and I have given my family plenty of ammunition to make fun of me. Without my faith in God i would be an even bigger loser than i am right now!


Michelle Piper November 9, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Dear Desiree,
Many adult children of narcissists have PTSD caused by the chaotic and boundary-less behavior of their narcissistic mothers and fathers. When neither parent defends you, the child, you may develop a habit of always being on guard in order to protect yourself where your narcissistic parents failed to keep you safe from emotional and or physical harm. Be kind to yourself. Also, there’s a post on recommended books if you want to learn more. Soon, I will have a free ebook on the topic so be sure to subscribe to the blog’s email list if you want to receive notice of that. Thanks for your comment.


kerrrdaline November 28, 2012 at 9:45 pm

yep…i just felt the shock go through my body. this is my story but i refused to believe it.

I finally started researching N parents because I just got taken to the curb by the 3rd narcissist in three years and I think this time, with the ptsd and all, im nervous im not gonna be the same ever again. To get your hopes up again and again and to find out in the end it was an act over and over is like repeatedly getting the wind knocked out of you…honest to God I used to be really fun and energetic but I cannot picture ever being that way again- feels like a different lifetime.

I went to the bookstore today to pick up a complex PTSD book, and i was ireading all the back covers and i just started crying in public – not loud or anything- just tears but i couldnt stop, it was so embarrassing. I kept thinking I wonder if I have ever been loved by anyone, or am I just a big joke…Sorry depressing post, ha, I appreciated this article though :/


Ginny March 1, 2017 at 12:51 pm

My heart goes out to you. Raised by a narcissist Mom and married 40 years to one. Neither are totally that way but I find myself at 66 wondering like you if I was ever loved by anyone. Don’t know if I even know who I am or what I think. Please find someone to treat you like you deserve and really love you. Don’t wait until you are old like me and just don’t care anymore. Love to you.


Michelle Piper November 29, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Hi Kerrdaline:),
No need to apologize for your post. I think it is “open and vulnerable,” not depressing. Narcissistic parents and narcissistic partners may make us feel like our feelings are a huge burden, but a parent or partner with better emotional capacity would simply appreciate your brave honesty about how you feel. You mentioned that you have a hard time picturing being fun and energetic again; That is a normal feeling to have in response to being overexposed to a narcissist. As you are away from your narcissistic parents and or partner you will restore to your healthy self. The exhausted feeling we get around narcissistic parents and narcissistic others is a healthy indicator for us to physically and emotionally distance ourselves from narcissistic behavior. Stay in touch!


Olive May 30, 2014 at 11:17 am

I am 28 and an only child/daughter of a narcissist mother and an enabling father. Since i did not have any siblings I feel i was the golden child and my father was the scapegoat. It was always my father’s fault and my mother is perfect or the one being taken advantage of. I learned to hate my father at an early stage since I was brainwashed to do so, or suffer the wrath of disagreeing with my mother (emotional withdrawal and blackmail of being ungrateful). I have my own family now, which during its early stage took much pressure and conflict from my mother, almost enough to break my husband and me apart. My husband and I decided to have no contact with her for almost 4 years. Everything went well (of course it was hard), but actually it was during my time apart from my mother that looking back, I realised my healing began (I did not know about narcism that time). But being the daughter of a narcissist mother in a co-narcissistic pattern relationship (me feeding the whims of my mother) I felt something missing in my life, a certain guilt that keeps me up most nights. I felt like a bad child leaving her alone to fend for herself (although she was very much capable). So my mother and I, reconnected and at first she seemed like the sweet granny to my two children, showing them with gifts and affection. But after around 2 years of being in constant contact with my mother, she again showed her true colours. Because she is rich, she gave me gifts which had strings attached. Gave me presents then suddenly took them back as if those were hers in the first place. When I question why she is getting back those things she says I am ungrateful and that I am always taking what is hers, taking what she worked hard for and that I don’t have the right to have those things (she makes it appear that if another person would hear what I am telling her, that they too would agree with her that I am a daughter who takes advantage of her mother’s kindness and generosity, so of course I would just shut up). She started ignoring how I felt or what I thought. Whenever I do errands for her, she does not acknowledge them but gets so angry about some petty things in connection with what I did for her. She continued to be hateful and verbally abusive to my father, in my presence. All her actions brought back a flood of memories of my childhood and I began to get scared. I read through websites telling of the effects of narcissist mothers to grandchildren and the more I became fearful of the magnitude of consequences I have brought when I let her re-enter my life (and the life of my family). I noticed she was doing what she did to me to my children, when she withholds gifts when they do not kiss her or hug her. She would get angry at them if they do not listen to her or repeat what she says. One time she got angry at my child for being playful and left her alone in a public restroom while my child was waiting to be washed. I honestly do not want to get into a mad argument/fight with her which caused our first falling out. Im going for minimum contact. But she has been calling and texting me all day about being helpless on an errand she wants me to help her out with. I answered one of her calls today and told her I was busy. I hate her but I love her, its sickening!!! One day I would tell myself I want nothing to do with her, then the next I am longing for the love and affections of a mother figure in my life. (yes I admit, sometimes I did exhibit narcissistic tendencies with my interactions with other people, specially during my high school days, looking back I am so ashamed and regretful that I did not build good relations with my classmates)

And yes, I have noticed she’s doing the triangulations between me, my husband and the kids. But since my family have a very open communication with each other, we learn of the things my mother tells about each of us behind our backs. Sometimes it makes me and my husband laugh, but sometimes the things we hear my mother say scares the sh*t out of us. I have been blessed to have normal in-laws who surprisingly showed me the meaning of being a parent and giving unconditional love.

People do not understand why I left my mother before. Specially after she bad mouthed me to the whole community about being an irresponsible child who left with her boyfriend who is useless. No one really understand the situation of a narcissists child. Its a dreadful secret one must keep. I am ashamed when I am with her as she tends to get into squabbles with other people and remain friendless to this date. My grandmother is also a narcissist and my uncles and aunts are not talking with each other (they secretly hate each other and envious of one another). People she met for the first time are so drawn to her that one time long ago, one of her acquaintance even confronted me about my “bad” attitude towards my mother and lectured me about being a good parent (I was so surreal that it was as my mother herself was the one confronting me). I tried to explain why my mother was the one to blame, that she is selfish and emotionless only using people to get what she wants, but it was not use, I was the evil person, so I just cried my eyes out.

I read that it is not my fault to have a narcissist as a mother. It was just how I was raised, to take blame or feel inadequate, to be a mirror for her and nothing more. I am taking the road to continuous recovery and regain my feeling of self worth. I noticed that I am drawn to narcissistic friends or have friends who are also daughters of narcissistic mothers (go figure). I am starting to assert myself in relations and claim my worthiness as a person, as a deserving individual who will not take the left-overs of other people. I will start to accept myself as enough of a human being, capable and separate from the personality of my mother. So help me God. I just need to share this, or my heart will burst.


Marina February 3, 2015 at 8:48 am

Hi Olive,

Thank you very much for sharing your story, and I just want you to know that there are many of us.

My image of my childhood used to be also very idealized. My sisters and I were all golden children and my father was the scapegoat. My Dad and I get along well and always have (we have our own issues, but it´s not even close to as bad), but I learned to not question the fact that I had to agree with my mother being forever his victim. I got very good at being her co-narcissistic mirror while still maintaining a good relationship with my Dad. To this day I still feel a bit guilty for liking him, which is honestly nuts. A long time ago (like 20 years ago), he was a mess, and verbally and emotionally abused her. Even as a kid she used to talk about this all the time with me and my sisters, either not realizing or not caring that this was totally inappropriate and abusive in and of itself.

Because of this now ancient history (Dad is now the perfect NPD victim), she thinks she´s totally justified in what now amounts to 20 years of abusing the shit out of him, so now he´s like the classic enabler and his self worth is pretty much zilch, just as she likes it. In my teenage years, my mother abandoned us (with no explanation, though occasional needy hovering) and this sent me into a spiral of around 10 years of often suicidal depression, anxiety and a classic gaslighting NPD boyfriend who only further cemented the damage. I had done my co-narc duty for my Mom, and then she left me. Honestly, I thank the universe for that time in my life because it woke me up to the truth – and it saved me.

Like you, I am horrified by the instances in my own life where my NPD traits have emerged. It´s mortifying to see those aspects of myself and I´ve made it my lifelong mission to find emotional and psychological health so that I might never become like her. I look out for my own manipulations, my own victim-y stances, my own projections like a freaking hawk. One day I want a family, and I will not do this to them.

The sad thing is, I have very little patience anymore. Mom hoovers still, attempts to guilt, enmesh and manipulate me, projects all over me, tells me her victim-y stories, presents herself as perfect, lies, exaggerates, gossips, couches cruel words in flowery excessive sentimental nonsense, steps all over the boundaries I assert time and again (including not abusing my Dad in front of me or not sharing personal information – never again, p.s.). It does not matter how overt I am, if it´s useful for her to get attention from anything, she´ll use it. It´s frightening to see her so clearly, because I am not sure how to love her anymore.


Olive May 30, 2014 at 12:09 pm

I do not like to be like my Narcissist mother. I try to hard to watch myself when I am with my children, being very careful not to repeat the words that came so naturally out of my mothers lips. I know I have lots to learn. Thankfully I have a very opinionated husband who keeps me in check and vice versa.

I have so much to tell about my mother. she is asian and my father is french, how I developed alopecia thru physically pulling my hair out of my scalp, one by one just because it helps me cope with stress (in studying for example, to get high marks or when she scolds me and I don’t know how to respond) and how I have a severe panic attacks when I see hanging objects (for instance large chandeliers swinging back and forth) I do not know when exactly or how I acquired these syndromes. When I opened these up to my mother as a child, she just act as if it were nothing, despite the fact that I had several bald patches on my blond head already noticeable by other people. She bought me a solution for hair growth though and tried to cure me with head bands, clips or different ways of parting my hair to hide the disgusting bald spots.

When I was young, I did house chores at home like cooking rice, washing dishes, cleaning the floor and did things for her like giving her manicures, massages while she was watching TV in our apartment complex. Growing up I learned to cook and that too became part of my chores. She never really ordered me to do those things, but I think it was something expected of me, something implied. my parents often left me alone in the home while they go to work, my father as a mechanic and my mother as a nurse. there would be times when my mother would take me with her when she attends socially awkward situations in order to have a child she could use as a conversation starter.

when i left home to get married (i was very young then), she took back the car she let me use, and just let me alone to fend for myself. i knew she hoped that my marriage will fail and that i will crawl back to her begging her to take me back. so my husband and i went to another state where he worked as a pilot, hoping to start fresh, then i studied as a scholar for a masters degree in idaho, and now that we are talking, she always says that i was able to finish further masters degree because of the fine education she invested in me since preschool to college. she says that i got the smarts from her and not my dad. imagine i believed this growing up. my mother tells me all her angst against other people specially against her in-laws who lived in California. so i also grew up hating the father’s side of the family. i had no friends, no cousins no other close relative. it was just me and mother against the cruel and abusive world. i was her confidant, her attack dog, her nanny, her greatest fan and her greatest creation. i was raised knowing that my existence is because of her, i owe everything to her. that she decided to have a risky pregnancy just to conceive me. she sacrificed her career and greener pastures in a european job offer just because she could not leave me alone for a long time. in all due fairness, she raised me feeling that she absolutely loved me and that everything she did was for me. she provided well for me (not the kind of narcissistic mother who would not buy stuff for their kids) she bought me toys, gadgets, gave me all the food i want (i was clinically diagnosed as obese when i was a child) and told me i was very lucky to have no siblings to share toys with or to half with. if i do not know, what i know now, i would have described a perfect childhood. with my needs met, i was so lucky and loved. again, if i did not know what i know now.

she paid for my short lived “supposed talents” like piano lessons, voice lessons, guitar lessons, drums lessons etc. when i did not pursue them she says i am easily bored or tired, but the truth is that she lost patience when i did not show great promise and that she became tired driving me back and forth to attend lessons.


Marina February 3, 2015 at 9:03 am

Mine set up the story that she stayed with my “abusive” father for us. Though at one point Dad was abusive, Mom was too. She used me as a marriage counselor, therapist, friend, mirror, confidant and fellow “victim.” I did not wonder until I was an adult why this grown woman wasn´t talking to adult friends and rather, confiding in a child.

I also just realized the other day that – at least with the marriage counselor/therapist job, Mom was invested in my failure to succeed. If I fixed her marriage (an insane notion for an adult OR child) or her life (because she was also the victim with friends and work) she would then have to accept responsibility for her life in some sense. She was invested in her “victimhood,” as is true with many NPDs. So… even though you chose your husband, chose to have kids, chose your friendships, chose your career path (and even your colleagues – because she´s the boss at work too), you are devoid of responsibility.

A big moment came for me when I realized I was okay with my Mom seeing me as the bad guy. Being the bad guy for her meant setting boundaries and protecting myself. She´s trained me through stories about my Dad to think that speaking against her or having your own needs/feelings be important signified abuse against her. Really, it was just about maintaining her power high.


Louise October 6, 2014 at 3:46 pm

This happened to me. I fell in love with someone who was a Narcissist and repeated the whole pattern again that I had experienced with my mum. Although I was so familiar with it, I was completely heartbroken. It took me over ten years after we had broken up to finally work out what was going on, and how abused I had been.

That is only because just over a year ago I just discovered what NPD was. It is so familiar to have all the red flags, gas lighting, manipulation, engulfment and abandonment, criticism and scapegoating etc. etc. that even though it felt a hell- all over again, like with my mother, I still didn’t understand it as abuse or realise what was going on.

At first I went through all the a ha moments about my ex-relationship, and then finally a year later, round about now, to more fully understand about my mother. This has involved reading a lot and doing a lot of work to understand the disorder, and it has been completely liberating.

My mother has scapegoated me into the lost child role and has effectively managed to get everyone (including me), to think that I was the screwed up one, disempowering me through continual parentification and the lack of self esteem that goes with not being empowered to live my life and truth. I can see now how she has interfered with all of my close family relationships and family friends, making me isolated, and has continually sabotaged and destroyed anything good that has come my way in life… I mean there is a long list here, and I can see it all like the light of day now.

It has taken time for me, through therapy, art, healing etc. to heal some of the trauma and begin to recover spiritually, to be in a place to understand all of this. It has been helped by my living further away..

Now I can see that fault was certainly not with myself, and I can recognise the need to distance myself from emotionally damaged and damaging people.Before this there were so many emotions going on and I guess I felt conditioned into it almost. I am so, so grateful that within the last year I understand about NPD, quite by chance, and it set of a whole sequence of healing events and realisations in my life. Now I am reconstructing these significant relationships, with my X-partner and Mum, and also revaluating my relationships with my friends, I’m pretty certain that there will be a few Narcissists there too, and believe me when I find them I will weed them out too.

I feel as if I almost need to re learn a new emotional language, and although I do have good quality friendships I feel I have a lot more to learn about intimacy and genuine sharing and I want to work on this and have the sharing fun and loving intimate friendships and relationships I deserve.

I feel that I have reached a turning point where my knowledge and growing self respect mean that I will no longer allow another person to diminish my feelings or use me for their own selfish ends in quite the same way ever again. There is a lot of power in knowledge, and I am reading and educating myself as much as I can. Without the knowledge of what Narcissism is I don’t think I would been able to do this, it’s been like a beam of light in the darkest tunnel.

Just before I learnt about Narcissism my Narcissistic ex re-entered my life re-started again all the old behaviours, this time I saw what 10 years of spiritual work had done for me, although I was temporarily stunned in all the same old ways I managed to get unstuck again within a reasonable amount of time. I have been free of him for the past year and if he were to call me again I would not entertain him for one minute.

I recently set boundaries with my demanding over-critical mother who frequently demands a “catch up”, having make the connection between her phone calls and my feeling emotionally raped by her vampirism. Generally, when we are alone in the same room (not often now because I have moved to the other end of the country), her Narcissistic rage and envy before too long, begin to seep through, in their true ugliness… letting me know in no uncertain terms that I am not acceptable. I literally see hate in her eyes, it is truly terrifying and disturbing.

Needless to say, I am not listened to in these “friendly” “catch-ups”, and have noticed more and more of her criticisms, (even in the “good” times of relative stability, e.g. when I am walking the tight-rope, and trying to fulfil every Narcissistic need), and how often these criticisms can be very subtle, and how depressed and bad about myself I feel afterwards.

Confusing why she would want to talk to me at all when I experience her envy, criticism and indifference (she can just as well ignore me completely, either in the same room, or in my own life)…

but then I understood about Narcissistic supply, that is the thing that she needs, the thing that she calls love. She doesn’t love me I realise! Well that is strangely liberating, I’m not crazy or damaged it’s her, like I knew all along. All this crazy making behaviour has a name, and a rhyme and reason, however bizarre, it’s Narcissistic Personality disorder!

I’m fairly new to all this and I feel as if this knowledge, this realisation about my mother is waking me from a very long and private hell. It has made me feel more empowered, less depressed and a more worthy human being. When I think about my mother and all her behaviour I feel more and more disgust, and unease, -what I should feel, for all the unspeakable hell she has put me through, and more and more empathy, care and respect for myself.

After omitting to make the dutiful call for a few weeks calls, (but texting with some niceties, just so she knew I hadn’t died) I got a call on my landline,
She literally BELLOWED, and bellowed being the operative word
“When were you going to call me”, “why didn’t you call me”? I replied, trying to keep cool and calm, and well, matter of fact.
“I don’t know, maybe because I was busy”(god forbid, actually living a life which isn’t just in service of her), and then a small dose of the truth;
“You don’t always return my calls straight away” (this not said with any sarcasm, just plain speaking here).
She likes to phone me, and then leave a message saying she wants a catch up, and then often ignore my calls or says I’ll phone you back I’m busy (and then not bothering to).
Wow betide me for actually pulling her up on something …
Her response “Don’t be so immature” (Bellowing again).
She then invited herself for Christmas, having not visited once since I moved here 4 year ago!
I told her that that would not be possible because I would be working that time of year (I’m a carer and always work over the holidays). Of course that doesn’t matter really, if she was a regular normal loving mum I’d have her here within a heart beat.

So there in one small exchange, the blatant lie of our so-called relationship exposed in miniature. She was like a two year old with the case of the tantrums…but this two year old has incited fear, terrible fear and guilt in me, and confused me in a multitude of ways.
All I could say was “I don’t want to talk to you right now”, and then she hung up. You’d think I’d be the one doing the hanging up here but no…

Any normal human being (wouldn’t behave like this in the first place). Beyond that though, any normal human being, transgressing such boundaries and the honour and respect of another would, as soon as they’d realised they’d made the mistake make amends to that person. My mother has never in her whole life (sincerely) apologised for any single action or ever admitted any fault.

This realisation has helped me to understand that I have been programmed to think that it’d my job to take all the responsibility and feel all the guilt.

My mother actually told me once that she had made a lot of mistakes in life but if she had fucked up with me too she really would be a complete and total failure. I wish I’d had the heart to tell her yes, that is the truth, you are a terrible mother.

She said it because she wants to make me responsible for everything, and it was her tactic because she was beginning to loose control so she tried to control me with guilt. Yes I have to be responsible, even for her mistakes.

She knew I’d sooner destroy myself and my own truth then destroy her with the truth.

Sorry this has been a long post, it just all came out on the page. I’m feeling less depressed and more alive than ever since this conversation. It takes courage to see past all the crap but it’s worth it!



Marina February 3, 2015 at 9:11 am

Wow, Louise!! Obvi, I don´t know you but feel very proud and happy for you!! Inspiring 🙂 Right on and know that you are understood here, that´s for sure! Just like Sherry, your words are my words too. Even down to what you said about love – once I really recognized that she didn´t love me (the word love for her was all about supply and obedience), as scary as it was – the other side is freedom!!! Real love is there! You can find out what it is!! I have alot of faith and hope for you 🙂


Sherry November 22, 2014 at 9:13 am

Your post really touched my heart. I could have written it myself. My mom sounds like a carbon copy of yours. She too looks at me with utter hatred in her eyes, something I will never understand. I’ve only ever tried to win her love. I’m 55 years old and I’ve finally realized that she will never love me and it breaks my heart. It really does. I have decided to go completely no contact with her. It has been hard because I do love her, but I want peace in my life. I need to take care of myself and work on healing the hurt and disappointment of a lifetime.

I wish you the best. Take care.



Nancy September 18, 2015 at 9:50 am

My sister was the first person to mention the thought that our mother was a Narcissist. I knew that she had anxiety and depression and that she had told us that she was Bi-polar. I never gave much thought to Narcissism. Now that I have done some research I relieze that she is definately Narcissistic. My biggest A-Ha moment was when I had fallen at work and needed a surgery. I called to tell my mother and her biggest concern was when I would be good enough to drive to come see her because I had promised. After my surgery I was talking to her about the challenges and concerns I am having and mid- sentence my mother said “Enough about you, lets talk about me”. I actually laughed out loud. I never reliezed how self-absorbed she was. My mother ruined every good moment in my life by faking ilnesses or causing problems any way she could to bring focus back to herself. Every success I ever had was “because she was a great mother” or “you take after me”. I have begun saying “no I succeeded in spite of you.”
I have learned to create boundaries with her and to keep a healthy distance from her. (usually about 600 miles) People on the outside looking in I’m sure feel that I am a horrible daughter. I have been made to feel that way for years. The guilt sometimes is overwhelming. I am still working on that. I am a classic “people pleaser”. I do anything I can, even sacrifice my own well- being and happiness, to make others happy and “OK”.
I have just recently come to relieze through research that I also choose Narcissistic or emotinally manipulative partners and friends, I am in a fairly new relationship and I have already picked up on some behaviors that continue to reappear over and over in my life. I love this man but I know that I need to set boundaries again. It is very difficult for me to dissappoint people.
Thank you for the post and letting me share.


Hayley July 29, 2017 at 12:38 am

I know it’s been a while since this was posted or commented on but thank you for writing it. My mother is a blatant narcissist of the ignoring type, she stepped out of my life at 17 when she was on husband number 3. I’ve been very lucky in the partner department. My first boyfriend was an experience because he was depressed and suffering from narcissistic mother who neglected him. I have aspergers (found out way later) and I was fat too emotional to be in a relationship at that time. Went to Japanese class due to another narcissist I had been attracted to. Fortunately nothing came of him but in the class I met my now husband. An Asian man with a mother who gave exactly as much give as my nan. The difference? My nan gives me the freedom to be me while providing the guilt and pressures that I can never leave (but it’s okay, she’s also an aspie and we have half a house each and live pretty well without scarring me, so lesser narcissist?).
Anyhow, my mother in law. Turns out a lot of Asian mother’s are narcissistic. It’s been 10 years since she’s met me and she still doesn’t like me. My husband said she’d never accept me, so he didn’t lie, i converted. I thought over time she would like me and it would become less important. It’s only gotten worse. My personality shuts down around her. I don’t ask her anything or talk to her because I’m too scared of what she might say. She used to remind me I’m fat at least once every time she saw me. I’ve lost 4 stone, she can’t use it any more. We’re going through an immigration hearing for a situation his parents put him in by choosing where to live and not coming in correctly. He can never leave because they’ve essentially trapped him with them until his freedom is resolved. (His father passed away and also suffered from narcisstic family before, is my understanding)
So Thursday 27/7/17 was when I realised I wasn’t imagining the narcissism.
We went to court, had our appeal, it should have been great, except his mother thought she could speak better English than she can do, it got delayed 2 hours, then the home office latched onto possible extended family that they have nothing to do with and a will for the money she thinks is her son’s destiny and she won’t let it go. She wants him to risk going to Saudi to get what he deserves and my husband wants none of it. He’s split his life in two. He’s so scared of what his mother would say if she knew he bought figurines (that are at our house) and if she learnt I was a lesser non religious mortal, that he’s split his life in 2.
The moment I realised nothing would change was very simple-i looked amazing on Thursday, everyone in the court house thought so, people thought I was a solicitor. I had a scarf round my neck just in case, in a fancy manner. I thought if his mom saw me as I am outside her house she might respect me, or feel something. As we left she demanded I put it on properly, the moment we were outside. She must have been seething all day, and yet I’m the only reason their case didn’t go to complete shit. I dared to offend her image basically.
I think she’ll forever be mad that I took her right to choose a suitable bride for my husband and I’ve officially told my husband I’m out. She has one more chance, but he knows when it happens I’m never setting foot in that house again. Life is too short to have people who don’t want me, in my life.

One narcissistic trait I do appreciate, I’m very spite driven. So I’m writing one book on how to detect allergies and another about narcissism. First half about my mother and the second about his. If I make money ,every sale will feel amazing because they gave me that. And in turn it will help me buy my husbands freedom. I’m just lucky I’m not contending with a full community. She puts up a good front but all the friends seem to stay far away.


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