Narcissistic Mother, Lost Child, Scapegoat & Golden Child

by Michelle Piper

Two broad categories of narcissistic mothers are the engulfing narcissistic mother and the ignoring narcissistic mother.

When you are engulfed, you are often put in the golden child role or the scapegoated role.  When you are ignored you may be in the lost child role or, again, the scapegoated role.  Sometimes, the narcissistic mom will switch between the styles. Below is a brief description of both.

Engulfing narcissistic mother: Even though an engulfing mother pries into your business, never leaves you alone, and believes you are an extension of her, at least it can show she might care.

As for an ignoring narcissistic mother, she is the complete opposite.

Ignoring narcissistic mother: She shows no interest in you and makes it apparent you’re not loved by her. You were never paid attention to by her and although she was physically there, there was no sense of emotional attachment whatsoever.

In fact, it might have seemed she was even annoyed that you were around, jealous of you soaking up any attention she believed she deserved.

If your narcissistic mother was of the ignoring variety, chances are she didn’t pay much attention to you when you were younger.

You were forced to care for yourself and were in charge of your own grooming, bathing, eating, and clothing habits. As a child, that is a lot to handle, especially if you were never taught how to properly care for yourself.

She may not have payed attention to what was going on in your life. If you got good grades, it went unnoticed. If you won the spelling bee, scored the game winning goal in your soccer game, or sold the most cookies in girl scouts, she didn’t even blink in your direction.

If those accomplishments did not benefit her, she didn’t care. If it was not all about her, then forget about it.

It can be seen as both a blessing and a curse to have an ignoring narcissistic mother.

Though you are hurt by her inattention, her emotional or physical absence can feel like a welcome respite in contrast to the engulfing narcissistic mother who is demanding of you and always in your business.

If she ignores you, then you don’t have to worry as much about her trying to take over all aspects of your life.

Both types of narcissistic mother can be abusive emotionally, but at least if you decide to cut off contact with her, chances are she will let you go, which is often better for you in the long run.

Either extreme can be exhausting, emotionally damaging, and take a major psychological toll on you.

The thing that can drive anyone crazy is having a narcissistic mom who believes she is a great mother. In her mind, she is doing all the right things and makes you feel ungrateful for questioning her parenting.

In fact, she may even think that she is better than most moms at what she does and that it is your fault if things don’t go right in your life. In reality, she doesn’t even pretend to care about you and what you do.

Ignoring narcissistic mothers under-parent to the extent that there is no guidance, support, or attention provided. You are invisible to her, a lost child. She may not treat her other children this way though.

She may have her favorite, the golden child, and completely engulf him or her to the point that they become enmeshed and you are ignored. This can switch at any time. One day, she may not even know you exist, and the next she won’t leave you alone. It is confusing for you and your siblings to never know where any of you stand with her.

If you don’t give her an adequate amount of narcissistic supply, she may ignore you as a punishment, thus scapegoating you.

She may “forget” your birthday or “forget” to pick you up from school to get back at you.  You then may experience feeling the lost child role. Because her children are just objects to her, it is easy for her to dispose of her motherly duties and treat her children like old furniture.

There is a way to overcome this.

Set boundaries with her or establish a complete no contact policy. When you cut her out of your life, you open up the possibilities to healing the emotional wounds of having a narcissistic mother who did not care for you the way she should have. Be strong and firm with the boundaries you set and with time you can put a stop to the abuse.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Roger January 11, 2013 at 11:16 am

I had an ignoring NM who left me in charge to completely care for myself. I had no idea that as I got older I had to shower more and after I played sports or anything like that. She never bought me new clothes. I had to pay for my own. If she did buy me clothes, they would be from a garage sale or a thrift store or something like that. If I wanted anything I was on my own to get it. That’s why I got my first job when I was 13 years old. I never understood this and thought it was kind of strange that I was the only one out of my friends who had to pay for everything myself. None of my other friends had to get jobs, their parents gave them money, allowances, etc. When I would go to my friends’ houses their parents would pay more attention to me than my own NM. I just thought that they were really nice and never put the pieces together that my mom was the exception, not the rule. Parents are supposed to treat their kids with love and kindness, not ignore them and leave them to fend for themselves. It has been truly eye opening to find this site and see that I’m not alone.

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elizabeth February 8, 2013 at 2:27 am

My mother treated me as a scapegoat and ignored me… I use to hide under my bed and just fall asleep as a child. I could never do any good in her eyes. My sister was the golden child, right up to mother died 2 years ago. She would always spend over board amounts on her. Leather sofas, rent paid, power bills and food.I was lucky if she remembered my birthday.As a child the other children would make fun of my hygiene, as I had no idea as a young child. My best friend’s mother helped me. I believe she hated me, and thats the truth. She would constantly tell me she wished she never got pregnant with me. I heard that so often. It got to the point I believed she would poison me, so I would hide my food at 10 years of age. I lost weight, began to have fainting spells and never once did she take me to a doctor. She would get really nasty if I went out with my friends. Why? because she wanted me to go out with her golden child who was 5 years older than me. She would buy me clothes to make me look older so I could get into clubs.. All at 13 years of age. Then the worse thing happened. I was abducted out the front of one of these clubs and my sister didnt even mention it when she arrived back home. I was found under a bridge hours later. My mother blamed me.. She told me “look what you have done and when the police ask you questions you must say what your sister says”.. Appauling!!!!! I left home not long after that. My safely was at risk. Two years ago mum died and I do not miss her one bit. I am releived she has gone… Yes I do get therapy with a wonderful doctor who has made me see my childhood for what it was. CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!! nothing less than child abuse.

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Melissa March 2, 2013 at 8:18 pm

Thank you both for sharing your stories. My heart goes out to our healing. This website is very helpful, confirming, affirming, and hard to swallow. But I am glad I am. My mother would flip roles, but mostly I was the lost child…it’s a sad upbringing. Glad to be an adult and embracing the potential of healing.

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eleonora March 17, 2013 at 9:01 am

My youngest sister is the lost child, the middle one the golden child and pride of place I’m the scapegoat. But its interesting i was the golden girl/ golden child from 0-5 and then again at different times plus always get idealized on and off so my sisters always thought i was the golden child. But i thought it was my middle sister. My mother triangulates & talks about us to the other. This is the saddest thing i have felt in my life.. Most of time i feel lost & unloved. Why? When all i did was love. Love my mother, father,sisters, friends other peoples children. I am shell shocked.

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wendy April 1, 2013 at 7:02 am

wow I totally identify with this. I was always the scapegoat. my next youngest sister is also a scapegoat. the youngest is the golden child. but I am seeing that she is a Narcissistic Golden Child. she is worse than my mother. I hate them both and have been no contact with that evil sis and extremely extremely low contact with mean mother. she calls once in a blue moon to gripe about the other two, and I just listen and say mmm hmm and then we hang up. I no longer feed into her triangulation. it is sick. they are sick. my psychologist is helping me so much. she says not to feel guilty about not wanting toxic people in my life.

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kimberly May 27, 2014 at 12:13 pm

I totally agree with you..i was emotionally and mentally abused by my adopted American mom for 30 years,it took me this long to figured out that she’ s narcissistic..i hate that old bitch s I wish would die soon..

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les June 9, 2014 at 2:01 pm

Hi
I have just started standing up to my mum and she started ignoring me now I feel like she had me to use me. What do you all feel when you saw the light? what is the best way to handle this and move on? What happened when you stood up for yourself? Do you think its strange when I don’t do stuff she ignores me

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FORGIVE July 2, 2014 at 4:23 am

This is absolutelly one of the best articles on this topic I have ever read. I had NM of neglecting type and I grew up alone taking care of myself. I recognize my childhood in every single description here. If I would speak about the fact she had never ever bought me a single thing, left me deprived of every heritage, never kissed me, nor gave me a hug, moreover, she abandoned me when I was 2 leaving me to her mother that was narcisstic as well , luckily, in a much smaller extent. She distroied a familly of her next huspand, made her younger son *my half-brother her golden child and brought hell to everebody in her life. God, forgive her for tears, sadness and pain she inflicted to at least 10 people whose lifes she attempted to destroy. the list is long. i forgive her , since she is not bitch, she is not evil, SHE IS ONLY VERY<, VERY SICK! And this diesease is very malevolent since it is very unrecognizable for the rest of the world.

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