Never Good Enough for a Narcissistic Mother

by Michelle Piper

When a client tells me they never feel “good enough,” I know there is serious pain in that person’s life. As I listen, I hear how the person’s thoughts go moment-to-moment, scouring recent experience to see how he or she can be better somehow. The patient asks, compulsively, “How can I be more?”

This is especially common for children who grew up with a narcissistic parent. That habit of hyper-vigilant self assessment was needed to survive childhood. Think of it—if you need to anticipate what a narcissistic adult wants from you next, hoping to avoid negative consequences or gain much needed attention, how could you avoid learning to self-tune and quickly adjust to the narcissist’s needs?

As a result, adult children of narcissistic mothers unintentionally carry forward many unreasonable standards that mom had for them while they were growing up. Though you may no longer tolerate another adult treating you as your narcissistic mother did in the past, you may replicate that same pattern in how you treat yourself. Are your expectations of yourself fair? Do you ever meet the mark you set? Do you feel satisfied with your day more often than not?

When we get stuck in never-good-enough, we become worn out by the constant search to be more productive, valuable, loved, and attractive. Yes, self assessment is a valuable skill. But, when we constantly scan and measure our worth only by what we can do, what role we play, or who approves of us, we become increasingly empty. Instead of accepting our inherent worth as a perfectly imperfect living being, we become driven by our fears.

Never-good-enough feelings can sneak into our lives in many different ways. Here are some examples:

1. You end a long day of work where nothing went wrong and no one acted negatively toward you, but you still don’t feel that your boss or fellow employees were satisfied with what you did.

2. A friend of yours thanks you for the birthday gift you just gave her, but you think you detect some small disappointment in her voice.

3. Someone says you look good that day and you automatically tally that it has been over a week since anyone has complimented you on your appearance.

4. You have leisure time but you don’t use it because you feel you must be productive. You are baffled by friends who say they are “just going to relax.”

The self-doubts can feel never ending. It is awful to feel apologetic just for being alive, but sometimes that’s how we feel when we are in a never-good-enough state. Notice: Do you treat yourself with care and love? How often?

If not, there are ways to do so. Starting now, find opportunities to be kind to yourself. The next time you feel the anxiety of a negative opinion, end your self-reflection with naming at least one thing you did right. Or, at a minimum, one thing you did not do wrong.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Rubies January 15, 2018 at 2:35 pm

I think socialization is important, but I don’t think a lack of it necessarily causes someone to be dysfunctional. Being exposed to a variety of ‘normal’ people helps one to have a balanced perspective in life, to look at things in different ways. But it would just give people with narcissistic tendencies more people to practice their ‘skills’ on.

I think in some ways it comes down to choices in life. You’re grandmother chose to be a nice person, and continued to choose that way of being. Narcissistic people CHOOSE to do things to get attention, to get praise, to get sympathy, to get compliance, to get emotional reactions, the list could go on. They choose to GET, to get something they want. I think, because they are often quite successful using these manipulative tricks, after time it just becomes their way of being, their way of interacting with people. It becomes hard wired into them.

As you’d said before, they lie and CONTINUE to lie. One can forgive past behavior, but how does one simply overlook ONGOING behavior. They don’t CHOOSE to stop, at least not for very long. As you said “it reverts back in no time to something not good”. I could forgive my mother anything, but I can’t go along with CONTINUING mistreatment.

I do think it was good that we both had many years having some physical separation from them due to living a good distance away. Perhaps we’d each have had an even harder time dealing with all this if we’d been completely immersed in the dysfunction. Perhaps our spirits would have been completely broken dealing with them all the time, and we’d just accept whatever meager treatment they gave us. (I’m sure there are many good loving people who will never understand why they get such rotten treatment for all their efforts.) Perhaps we would have just gotten away from them sooner. Or at least have seen the need for boundaries and emotional distance.

What was this “breaking point” for you, if you want to say?

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Rubies January 15, 2018 at 2:46 pm

For those wanting to read more comments on this article, you may by continuing to press PREVIOUS COMMENTS at the top of this list, highlighted in light blue.
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I and another commenter are continuing a conversation from the previous lists about our narcissistic mothers, and other affected family members. Michelle, this blog’s founder spoke about the importance of sharing one’s stories in the “recovery process”, either with someone on here, a trusted individual, or a therapeutic professional. Since no one else had posted a comment on this article for over three years, we decided to share here. Please feel WELCOME to join us as we’d be happy to have you, or of course, feel free to leave your own comment for the article.

Thank You!

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Rubies January 15, 2018 at 2:48 pm

I always see the mistakes AFTER I post. : (

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Bertie January 15, 2018 at 4:02 pm

She ended up having her fair share of medical problems. She had something significant as a young person. And when she was about 50, she started having significant health problems. She needed a surgery for this, and a surgery for that, pretty frequently. She always looked to me to be there after surgery. I wrote about this before, I think.
At the time of one surgery, we were just about to sell our house and move. My husband got POA, he moved while I was gone, we all drove to where she lived, he left us there with the car, and he flew back. Our kids were 5 and infant. She tried to hurt herself, intentionally, the whole time we were there. She would give me evil looks while doing so.
There I was … states away from my husband … with a baby and a pre-schooler.
Another time, she needed a “medical procedure” … and I was not able to be there. I arranged for everything and paid expenses for a granddaughter to take her to the health care facility and back. The granddaughter informed me that mom wasn’t supposed to be alone that night and that she (granddaughter) could not stay with her. Mom was also not supposed to use one of her arms, due to the procedure. I called relatives. No one could stay overnight with her. Finally, I found someone she knew from church who said she would stay with her. I called my mom and she was livid that I did this. I reiterated to her that she was not supposed to use her arm that night. Upon hearing this, she told me she was going to go and scrub the floor (she always scrubs floors on her hands and knees) and then she promptly hung up on me.
I tried to call her back right away, but the phone rang and rang. I called all through the evening hours. No answer. I tried again in the morning. No answer. I wasn’t really worried she was dead because of her behavior when she hung up on me. She WANTED me to think she was going to hurt herself. Finally, she called me the next day in the middle of the afternoon. She simply said, “I’m better now”.
In short, she wanted me to think she was dead. This was similar to the other time, when she tried to physically inflict harm on herself, in front of me, while I am there, with two little kids.
This was only a couple of the incidences where she mistreated me, after I had been left to be THE ONE to help her. I use the word “mistreated” but now that I look back on it, it’s “abusive” behavior.
Who in the heck would do this to the child who was the one helping you?
She had four other kids. Three of them lived nearby. But it was always me.
Not Golden. Me.
I just couldn’t take it anymore.

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Rubies January 15, 2018 at 9:48 pm

That was definitely emotionally abusive. You had mentioned this a while back, but I didn’t know which incident you were referring to when you said “breaking point”. You’ve had plenty happen that could bring someone to a breaking point.

At least you tried to get away before, tried to put an end to it. I’d never even thought about estranging myself from her before it went far beyond madness. It was like they all went wild, and ANYTHING became possible after my father passed away.

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Bertie January 16, 2018 at 4:53 am

Doesn’t it make you wonder if they all had “tendencies” to do that before he passed away? That they had such respect for him, that they all kept things in check — but once he was gone, they all acted the way they always wanted to act? Just a thought.

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Rubies January 17, 2018 at 4:00 pm

Truly meant to respond before now, but had Internet connection issues I couldn’t fix, as I’m technologically challenged. So had to wait. I thought of you more than a few times, and hoped you didn’t think I just dropped out on you. So you know, I wouldn’t do that to you Bertie. I hope you’re doing okay. ???

I knew my brothers had “tendencies” that became worse through the years, but I did not know the nephew was such a SICK sociopathic manipulator until he completely turned on us, less than a couple years after he moved near us. I must say to all who may be reading, you may not REALLY know your family members, if you only occasionally see them.

My Father truly deserved respect, but I think it was FEAR of him that held them back. He’d been a military officer and wouldn’t tolerate stupid behavior. He was good, loving, and peaceable, but one didn’t want to try his patience. Looking back at my life experiences with them all, I see how he not only kept them in check, but that he was also a restraining force on my mother narcissistic tendencies as well.

I wonder if you got a slower decline into the present dysfunction of your family, because your Father passed away a couple decades ago, and I got such a quick decline because he hasn’t been gone anywhere near as long. It seems ‘the rest’ surely wanted to keep you around and in the loop to deal with your mother, years ago. Whereas ‘the rest’ in my family decided my mother was old enough to cut me out of the ‘inheritance pool’, as soon as my Father was no longer in the picture.

I NEVER could have imagined twenty years ago that it would all turn into what it is today.

Hope to hear from you before long. <3

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Bertie January 17, 2018 at 6:43 pm

Here I am! I thought maybe you caught the flu … or something worse happened (and you know what I mean). I’m glad that it was only internet problems.

Yes, agree with you about not knowing family members if you don’t see them often.
I think that is a HUGE point.

My sister was always “wrapped up” in our family. The more correct thing to say was that we were “wrapped up” in her. We were right in the middle of all of her decisions, etc.
She confided in us that she hated holidays (because she was alone). Things that you only confess to people who love you. Then one year she started to make big decisions and keep us out-of-the-loop. Decisions about work, about buying homes, about relationships. She also told my mom that her long-term employer now necessitated that she only take vacation in January. (The coldest month of the year where we live, and we lived where it was very cold). And then she started coming home for only 2-3 days per year. SHE WAS THE ONE weaning herself away from us. Being that she came home only in January meant that our vacations would never coincide, as we had kids in school. (I think she was lying about having to take vacation then). We just went about 15 years not seeing each other. In very recent years we have seen each other, and as I have written, it hasn’t been good. This is all so puzzling. Or is it? I guess I have it figured out.

I don’t get why your brothers are okay with keeping things the way they are, with regard to you. It isn’t right. You are the only “girl” … the only daughter. The only sister. It’s never okay to “exclude”. That will affect ALL of you FOREVER. Personally, I would hope that they do something to “right things”.

Meanwhile, I can already see the events unfold when my mom passes away. Grab, grab, lie, lie. Part of me still has loyalty toward her. Loyalty in that I will HATE watching what they do, after she is gone. I will hate knowing her house is being pillaged and that she won’t be remembered fondly. Are we all guilty in one way or another? How does it get to be such a gigantic mess?

Did your parents have a will? Mine didn’t. Rather, my mom got a will done in recent years. My dad didn’t see Alzheimer’s coming and then no one told him (even his doctor didn’t tell him). And then when a neurologist finally told him, he was beyond “understanding”. He would be SO upset, knowing what has transpired, with the family.

Glad to hear from you, Rubies. Until tomorrow ….

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Rubies January 18, 2018 at 11:45 am

Want to respond, but it will have to wait. : (

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Rubies January 18, 2018 at 3:46 pm

As you may recall, I only have one brother left, the original and always Golden. He barely cares about his own mother. He doesn’t give a rip about his sister. The two decent brothers passed away many years ago, and the greedy hateful one passed about a year ago, but not before he played a significant role in the nightmare we’ve had to go through. I could relay some things that would lay the blame for a lot of his hatred towards us, in my mother’s lap. Like your mom was probably doing with your sister, my mother was making us out to be the bad guys to him. Like your brother said about your mother, she “lies” to “get attention”.

Then there is the LYING, TWO FACED, CONNIVING ‘nephew’ who’s treated as though he’s the youngest sibling, and the ONLY thing that’s matters to him is getting as much $$$$$$$ as possible, when my mother’s gone.

They do NOT care about the only girl, only daughter, only sister, or an aunt that was kind and helpful. And they certainly don’t care about doing what is RIGHT.

Must say, I believe ‘the nephew’ has thoroughly ENJOYED thinking about how he’s ripped up our family for his greedy gain. I could say more about that, but have to keep this short..

My Father had written up a trust and worked on it diligently, intending that everything would be split fairly. However my brothers got my mother to defund it, basically take all the assets and money out of it, causing it to be nothing but a pile of papers. Then when the ‘nephew’ was getting her to threaten to sue us, if I didn’t sign away all rights to my inheritance, he had her write up her will cutting me out completely. I didn’t sign it. We were the ones who should have been suing. And as I’d told you a while back, the nephew had shown himself to be SO GREEDY, we felt we couldn’t put it past him, not to poison her in order to get to the money faster. He’d already PROVEN he’s capable of anything.

As I’ve said before, it’s all a convoluted mess. I’m just thankful God knows the truth.

I so relate to still feeling some loyalty to my mother, as you know, despite the many instances large and small that would turn someone away from that. It is sad our mothers won’t be thought of “fondly” by the rest of them. It’s hard to even want to think that way about mine, when I’ve been so betrayed. I still love her, but it’s been completely ruined. It’s like a beautiful thing that’s been smashed into a million pieces. I imagine you feel the same. ?

So now I have to ask, did your mom and others in the family know your father had Alzheimer’s before the neurologist told him, and if so, did they choose to keep it from him???

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Bertie January 18, 2018 at 4:40 pm

Hi Rubies,

I’m sorry. I should have remembered about your brothers who passed away. You did tell me that and I forgot.

Well, don’t feel alone. I always thought that I was “little sister”. I always thought I was “endearing” to them. What a joke! I had no idea they had such ill feelings towards me.
Until of course, when I started to “see” and “hear” how they actually felt about me.
I think it’s difficult being in that situation. Gee, my family hates me.

Even this past year … we probably should never have had that party for my mom. Everyone had to see each other and a lot of people said to me, “I’ll call you.”
And no one ever did. I can live with that. But we (siblings) all wandered around during the party, never speaking to one another. We were kind of all doing okay with mom, prior to that, each one of us “functioning” with her, without having to deal with the rest of the family.
The party caused things to go downhill again. (I think this is all probably in Dysfunctional Handbook, Chapter Five). I am kidding. But something like this is probably in there.

Nope, no one knew about my dad. His doctor was prescribing him vitamin injections for his memory. It all started when he couldn’t figure out how to end sentences. He’d struggle and then we’d all finish his sentences for him. We hadn’t seen Alzheimer’s before, and this was awhile ago, and we lived in a very rural area, and we truly didn’t know.
He refused to go in any sooner, probably because he didn’t want to know. I’m the one who got to keep the summary of the neurologist’s report. I have it in my file drawer along with his death certificate. I’m the one who got that too. Isn’t life hard? It really, really is.
I actually moved pretty far away right when he was starting to get it, and so I didn’t see it progress. But we all loved him. He declined very rapidly.

I’m sorry you have all this going on with your family. Doesn’t seem “legal” in what they did. It just doesn’t.
I hate that people can be persuaded by the ill intentions of others. If I were you, I’d really try to think of a way to combat this situation. I wouldn’t just accept things as they are.

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Rubies January 19, 2018 at 2:38 pm

Well I’d told you we went to law enforcement about them manipulating her and they’d said we’d have to her declared incompetent to stop them. That she has the right to choose to be taken advantage of, if she wants, and apparently she wants it this way. I don’t know whether ‘the nephew’ manipulates, convinces or coerces her, but I can say without a doubt, he REALLY doesn’t care what she REALLY wants. Not everything that’s completely immoral, is necessarily illegal. It would be illegal if he coerces her, but she’d NEVER testify against her precious grandBABY.

My combat, if you would call it that is my deciding to give my mother this opportunity to change things between us. I know she wants me to go back to being the devoted daughter I was, and I imagine she thinks she’ll get me there without her having to do anything to make things right between us. Making things right being stop the lies and reinstate me in her will. She knows doing so would upset the GREEDY grandson in particular, and I think she feels she has to avoid that. So I’m keeping the correspondence in writing. This way, I have time to control my emotional reactions (It’s all upsetting to me.), and process what she’s saying. I’m truly trying to persuade her to see the light, to choose to do the right things. However, I don’t necessarily believe she will. I wish she would but I’m not holding my breath. I figure if she doesn’t, the letters would stand as evidence if we choose to sue for my inheritance later. I’m actually not even worried about getting my full inheritance. I just don’t want to be left paying for the expensive mess she caused at my house. You already heard about that debacle.

Anyway I’m trying in my own way, and figure if nothing else, I’ll feel better trying than not.

I notice in this latest letter she’s written that she’s change her stance. The letter from her before sounded like she felt back in control, and that she’d be the one deciding who’s rotten between the nephew and I. This one sounds more like she wants me to feel sorry for her, and wants me to have a guilt trip about not being there for her. I felt angry she tried to pull that when I first got it, but now see, she’s just mentally denying she’s done anything to deserve me avoiding her.

I think I’m just rambling out my thoughts at this point.

Thanks for the apology. I don’t expect you to obsess over memorizing what I’ve said. I need to be reminded about things at times.

That’s sounds so tragic, your Father being unable to know about his own decline before it was too late. I imagine moving away made it easier in some ways and yet even harder on you. I’m so sorry Bertie. Life really is hard, and it’s often not fair.

You saying, “What a joke!” about thinking you were endearing to them as their little sister, makes me think of something the original Golden brother wrote to me before they actually sent the blackmail. So they were threatening us based on the nephew’s lies, and I was texting back and forth with Golden trying to reason with him. (I wouldn’t answer the phone, purposely intending to keep it all in writing.) At one point he wrote some pretty offensive stuff and in it, he called me “Baby sister”. He’d never called me this before. For that matter, we barely ever spoke to each other even when there were no issues. By the way he used it, in the context, it felt like a disgusting INSULT he was throwing in my face. Meanwhile, I’d been trying to get him to understand that he didn’t know what was really going on. I ended up texting back , “Don’t call me Baby Sister. You don’t treat me like a sister at all.” I know he was believing the lies of ‘the nephew’, but I feel like you. “I had no idea they had such ill feelings towards me.” “Gee, my family hates me.”

I really believe though, now, that my mother had her hand, actually her mouth in all this hatred he had going on towards me. I have reasons to believe she’d been using ‘the poor pitiful me having to put up with such a rotten daughter’ story going for decades, all while I was thinking things were okay between her and I, and I was making efforts to show her love.

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Bertie January 20, 2018 at 2:14 pm

It’s all so sad and also so tragic. It didn’t have to go like this.
Would like to write more but can’t today.
I’m thinking of you. Hope all is well.

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Rubies January 20, 2018 at 6:24 pm

Your story with your mother and family is truly sad and tragic as well.
It didn’t have to go like this for them or for us, yet somehow this is the way it has to be.

I’m doing okay but I will tell you, right now I don’t even feel like responding to my mother’s latest letter. It’s just “more of the same”, lies, spin, and blame, instead of one ounce of accountability. I swear, in it she sounds like she’s telling a version of matters to someone who has absolutely NO knowledge of the facts, rather than to me.

I keep thinking one thing about my mother and yours, they’ve been playing their games for so long, there’s no changing them now. It’s just who they are.

Hope you’re doing well. Write whenever you’re free and want to.
Hugs <3

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Bertie January 21, 2018 at 9:11 am

This morning I was thinking of a parallel between my mom and a stray cat that lived in our old “neighborhood”. Several years ago, an orange cat lived in the wild, amongst the homes that were in our subdivision. Our subdivision was largely wooded. The cat was an avid hunter and we would see him leap up and take birds right out of the air. One day I heard a horrible scream and looked down to see him (walking like a lion would walk) with a baby rabbit (still alive) in his mouth. I leaped off our deck and saved the baby rabbit.
He was getting under my skin and I commented to a neighbor that I feel like calling the humane society. She begged me not too. She said he would most certainly be euthanized, if we was placed with the other zillion cats at the shelter. At least here, he’s enjoying his life. And so, I never called. I think about my mom living in her old house. I do think she’s senile. I think she can be normal at times. The house is in need of repairs, but no one fixes it. Everyone is waiting for her to die. She ambles around and I’m sure people (the siblings) feel she’s better off there than in a little room in a facility. (Our mom would not be living somewhere nice, but rather in a low housing kind of place. She could live somewhere nice if she sold her house, and used the money, but she isn’t going that route). I don’t know why I wrote this scenario. I don’t know if it’s of interest to anyone. But I thought of that today. In conclusion, I would love to sit beside her and tell her why her thinking is skewed (because it is!), and tell her why she is making a mistake to be listening to and led by my sister (because she is!), but I don’t have the zeal to do it. And would it even work? Her brain isn’t functioning normally anymore. I hate that my two brothers don’t care about her but that’s who she’s left to deal with right now. I hate all of this so much!
Rubies, I’m sorry about your situation. You’ve got the same thing going on, in that there are “other players”. And the other players influence her and are not in your court.
I have the same thing going on.
I hate that I let day after day after day go by, like the ticking of a clock. I hate that.
I wish I could do something! Perhaps 10 years from now, I’ll look back and “see” what I could have done. But I don’t “see” it today.

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Rubies January 21, 2018 at 9:13 pm

I hear you Bertie. I don’t see what I can do now either.
The “other players” have expected them to take sides, and they’re clearly not choosing ours. It’s like all our effort and devotion to our mothers through the years was for nought.
All the Goldens had to do was step in at the end, and suddenly we don’t matter at all.

I appreciated your comparison with the stray cat, and I’m really glad you were able to save the bunny. I hear you about her brain not really functioning fully anymore. I feel my mother can no longer perceive anything but what she wants to believe.

I also feel the ‘others’ are waiting for her to die. I’m sure mine are waiting for their big payday. While I’m racking my brain trying to figure out what to say to make things right between us before it’s too late, and wanting her to see how her lies against us are going to work against her, when she stands before God.

One statement my mother wrote to me keeps running through my brain. She wrote, “I haven’t seen or heard from you in almost three years.” She wrote other more serious blatant lies, but I keep coming back to this one in my mind. First, it hasn’t even been two and a half years since our last conversation. Since I was the devoted daughter finding out she was planning on disinheriting me in order to spoil the wicked one and others even more. She then spent about a year attacking us in several ways, and saw me in court about the siverware less than two years ago. And I’ve written to her more than a few times, after she’s sent things signed “Love, Mom” , though I’ve always kept it brief. How do you respond to such a blatant lie without sounding like your trying to start a fight? I don’t feel like that’s something I can simply ignore. This and the other lies she tells in her letter, make me feel like this is the only story she’s going to tell whether I like it or not, whether it’s the truth or not. I feel it’s a her way or the highway sort of thing. Hence why I don’t even want to respond.

I don’t know what I’m going to do right now. I’d rather do without my inheritance or any of it, if I have to fight a continuous stream of lies.

I’m sorry Bertie for your situation too. Perhaps you should go to her and say whatever you want, knowing though that you won’t be able to change her mind. And that it could just be another chance for her to attack, but maybe she’d appreciate it. You have to do what you feel is right for you.

I think we each need to come to some settled place to end things in our hearts, as best we can.

This may sound horrible to say, but I almost wish mine had passed away ten yrs. ago. Then I could have lived with better memories of her, rather than the ones I have now.

<3

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Bertie January 22, 2018 at 8:56 am

I so hear what you are saying! We have so much in common.

Your last statement about “almost wishing she had passed away years ago” … before all of this, etc. We had a medical situation (a life and death situation with her) nearly 20 years ago. Everything was “okay” with the family at that time. (As okay as is possible, with my family). Sometimes I wonder if she (mom) realizes this too.

I also sit and think about the fact that I devoted a large portion of my life to helping her, being there for her, and now I am the excluded one. The excluded one. At the end.
Two of my siblings are probably relying on her death for their only chance at getting a chunk of money, ever in their lives. And stuff. My husband has also voiced (on several occasions), “After all you did for her …”. Yup.

My family lies to me routinely (including my mom). How do you deal with people who don’t tell you the truth and plot against you? You can’t.

I think the situation would have been okay if the siblings ALL got along. The dysfunction among us is partially responsible for the decline of all else. And for that, I feel sorry for her. As a mother myself, I feel sorry for her, for that aspect of things. But on the other hand, she helped create the dysfunction. She played favorites. She was the director of the play. She wasn’t honest.

Even today, I thought about something significant from my past. It was something awful from my past and she literally (probably) saved my life! My mother … who wouldn’t go to bed … because I wasn’t home yet.

Because of this, and because of a great many other reasons that are similar, I say to myself every day … “She’s my mom! She wasn’t always a terrible mother.”
And I hate myself for not reaching out to her.

I’m sorry I am a broken record these days.

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Bertie January 22, 2018 at 11:01 am

I had to end my last post to you rather quickly. I wanted to comment about the fact your mom has made varying answers as to how long you haven’t communicated. That’s strange.
And signing her letters “Love, Mom.” I think it’s their “automatic”. It’s “what they do”. Despite the big mess it all is, that’s how they sign their name to their kids.
I’m sure she loves you. I’m sure mine loves me.
I think it’s all just such a mess.

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Rubies January 22, 2018 at 4:27 pm

You’re not a broken record Bertie, and I’ve read articles stating how we need to get all these thoughts and feelings out, rather than keep them in. That it can really affect a person in various ways if they don’t. This is why they suggest at least writing it out, even if no one else reads it. No matter what happens with our mothers and our individual paths, we have to make sure we don’t end up bitter unfeeling women when we’re older. Not that I think we would, but keeping it inside can’t be good.

I think one reason why we feel the need to talk about it is because it’s hard to reconcile in our minds how unfair it all is. It’s not right, and it just doesn’t make any sense how they choose to favor the ones who don’t really care about them, and disrespect the ones who do, the ones who proved their love time and time and time again. It just boggles the logical mind.

I feel in my situation, after all my sacrifices and effort for her, the ONE time I needed her to choose me, she didn’t, and she clearly continues to stick by that choice. This is why it seems so outrageous to me that she’s trying to pull some guilt trip on me in this letter.

This statement of hers makes it sound like I haven’t bothered myself about her for practically three years. When the reality is she attacked me repeatedly during the first year, and then when she should have been thankful I was briefly corresponding with her at all, she didn’t tell me when my own brother’s funeral would be. And she made a point of informing me ‘the nephew’ took her to the memorial service.

Please tell me what you think about this:
Is a person even considered FAMILY, if they’re not informed of a close member’s funeral?

A part of me wants to write her back something so rude. I feel she’s actally asking me to do so, when she’s pulling some of the exact same lies she was before, and some even worse. Yet I know on the surface, to anyone else, she just sounds like the perfectly innocent mother, whose done absolutely nothing wrong. She sounds like she’s just been waiting fot her rotten daughter to finally be decent to her. LOVE, MOM.

At this point I’m venting to you.

You’re right, I think the signing of the letters with “Love, Mom” is simply automatic, perfunctory, something that is done and expected, not necessarily felt at all.

I feel hatred from her, that’s what I FEEL. Hatred that I won’t go along with whatever she says. Hatred!!! Hatred that I choose the truth rather than what she wants to hear, and to believe. But what choice do I have, when her VERSION makes me out to be the rotten one! and the wicked one out to be good?

Better go for now.

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Rubies January 22, 2018 at 11:20 pm

Sorry Bertie, I was going off further than I planned on the previous post.

I had wanted to say, I could have repeated word for word a lot of what you said. I definitely relate to, “How do you deal with people who don’t tell you the truth and plot against you?”, and “she helped create the dysfunction.” But the one thing you said that gets me the most is, “She’s my mom! She wasn’t always a terrible mother.”

I know my mother hits the markers for being narcissistic, but I still imagine her somehow snapping out of her present delusions and returning to being fairly decent. As you’ve said, you could probably sit with your mother and get her to understand, but you know it probably wouldn’t last. And even if it could, your sister would probably wipe that slate clean and scribble malice all over it, just like ‘the nephew’ in my case. That’s why I don’t reach out anymore than I am. I just don’t see the point. Actually, I would see trying harder as setting myself up for more madness, and I’ve already had enough.

There’s another similarity between us, sort of. My mother also had serious life threatening issues at one point, but it was only about a dozen years ago. It was actually right around the time of my two brothers passing within a year of each other. I will say, I’m glad she didn’t go then. It would have been too devastating to lose her as well during that time.

You know earlier, I’d said we each need to come to some settled place to end things in our hearts, as best we can, because I feel we both deserve some happiness and peace in our souls. I just felt I wanted to let you know why I’d said that. <3

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