How Narcissistic Mothers Create Sibling Rivalry

by Michelle Piper

Sibling relationships are often a casualty of the narcissistic mother. In fact, narcissistic mothers both consciously and subconsciously create sibling rivalry.

Due to the limited resources of affection, attention and favor from the narcissistic mom, siblings have to vie for their rations. Because narcissistic mothers are incredibly self-centered, they have precious little time and effort to spare for their children. Thus, any attention, whether it be positive or negative, may be pursued by the children of a narcissistic mother even at the expense of relating to their siblings.

In functional families, sibling rivalry naturally occurs and, with adequate parenting, ideally turns into respect for each other as children mature. Siblings are encouraged to be close and love each other.

This isn’t the case in a family with a narcissist as the matriarch. Children are pitted against each other and taught from very early on that if they wanted any sort of “love” or attention from their mother, they’ll have to compete for it against each other.

If you grew up in a narcissistic family system, you may now see there’s a constant comparison between siblings—who’s doing better and who’s ranking higher in the narcissistic mother’s eyes. Because of this, you may not feel connected to your siblings, and distrustful of them because you can’t be sure what you say won’t be held against you.

You may long to feel the camaraderie and closeness you see your friends have with their siblings.

Sadly, siblings with a narcissistic mother often sacrifice relationships with each other to compete for something that doesn’t exist: their mother’s unconditional love. Narcissists have difficulty feeling love or empathy for anyone, leaving you and your siblings to bid for conditional, short-term attention that can be switched on and off at any minute.

At times you may be frustrated with yourself for feeling unworthy and inadequate and project those self-deprecating feelings onto your siblings as well. You are taught from a young age to repress their feelings and that they don’t matter.

Children are often put into shifting roles by the narcissistic mother. First, the golden child, is the hero, the mother’s other-half, or her mirror. There are pros to this role, such as getting all of the best stuff, the attention, and the ability to entertain the illusion you can do no wrong. Your accomplishments, no matter how minor, are celebrated to the fullest extent. However, it is not all sunshine and rainbows for the golden child.

You may become enmeshed with your narcissistic mother and grow up without any real knowledge of boundaries or self-identity. In this spotlight, you are just the puppet of the mother, and the one of whom the other siblings are ultimately the most jealous.

Then there’s the scapegoat. When you receive attention from your mother in this role, it’s of the negative variety. But, oh, the relief in feeling you are at last beyond her control. Of course, that feeling can be short-lived as a child because the narcissistic mother will make great effort to strip you of that control and as the adult, she often has the power to do so.

When in the scapegoat role, you shoulder the blame, shame, and anger of the family. If something goes wrong, it’s your fault. You are labeled as the “bad” one, even if you don’t fit into that category. The silver lining of the scapegoat role is that you often have a better concept of self and independence than does the golden child, which can help you later on in life.

Finally, if you are the lost child, the forgotten one that receives neither the praise nor the blame, you may do your best to remain invisible and away from your mother’s wrath. You sense it might be better to go unnoticed than to have to deal with the emotionally debilitating games your narcissistic mother plays with her other children.

Some narcissistic mothers intentionally triangulate and pit their children against one another because of their belief in the “zero sum game.” This is a narcissistic game in which one participant’s gain results from the others loss.

The net change in total wealth among participants is zero. The attention the children receive from their mother is just shifted, not shared, so as to always keep someone left out. Therefore, a gain by one child is a loss for another.

When I say “triangulate,”  it means three roles are being played. Imagine a triangle where at each one of three points there’s the villain, the victim, and the rescuer.

The villain is the one who blames, disrespects, attacks, or criticizes the victim. In turn, this tempts the rescuer to defend the victim, which can move the rescuer into the villain’s place and the villain into the victim’s place.

The roles often switch and reverse. For example, the narcissistic mother can start out as the villain and the scapegoat as her victim. If you try to become your sibling’s rescuer when your brother or sister is in the villain role, you, instead, become the villain in your mother’s eyes for betraying her. And, she in turn, is now the victim of you and tempts your sibling to become the rescuer to gain mother’s positive attention.

It is an exhausting emotional game that may never end.

She can also make active attempts to insure the competition is fierce. She may spend excessive time alone with one of her children, most likely the golden child, instead of including all of her children in an activity or outing.

She may commiserate with one child about the other’s negative behavior, so that a tag-team competition is set up as well. Some narcissistic mothers intentionally block bonding and encourage competition between siblings. Other narcissistic moms creative a vacuum of neglect where the kids are left to prey upon each other for the meager emotional resources that are available in the family environment.

Families like this can feel like an emotional desert. The result of tactics like emotional abuse, lies, and neglect, however, ensures her children are always on their toes, working to earn her conditional love.

The negative feelings you had toward your siblings while growing up can carry on well into your adult life. Siblings may never be close to each other due to the deep emotional scars and animosity they were programmed to feel towards each other by the narcissistic family environment. You may find one of your siblings is unable to let go of the old system and actively keeps the rivalry going. He or she will then miss the value of having a fellow survivor, their brother or sister, who understands what they endured.

As adult children of narcissists (ACONs), competition between your siblings can decrease if there’s a realization by all parties that what you were taught growing up is not how siblings need act towards each other. Instead, it’s possible to support and ally against the narcissistic mother’s negative behavior.  There is sometimes an opportunity to create trust and bonding between adult siblings of narcissists that was not possible as children caught in the destructive narcissistic pattern of parenting.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Grayson January 13, 2019 at 11:18 pm

I can relate to all. I am the scapegoat and moved to another state at 22, I am now 54. The golden child who never moved away from his mother completed suicide 4 months ago, I learned by
text from a neice who hardly knows me. I have not spoken to any of them in about 12 years.

Reply

Grayson January 13, 2019 at 11:19 pm

I can relate to all. I am the scapegoat and moved to another state at 22, I am now 54. The golden child who never moved away from his mother completed suicide 4 months ago,
text from a neice who hardly knows me. I have not spoken to any of them in about 12 years.

Reply

leigh January 30, 2019 at 8:35 am

This is my story. I grew up the golden child while each of my younger two sisters were the scapegoats at different times in our youth. At the age of 38 I became the scapegoat and my middle sister the golden child. My youngest sister sided with me and was cast out as well. she did not get professional help during that time and my family is hard to resist because of what they offer you if you are on their good side. As a result, she has recently been hoovered back into the system and believes that I deceived her into taking my side. Thankfully I have a loving husband and his side of the family is very loving as well so our children can experience the blessings of grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. My family has said we are the ones who have shut them out and this is all our fault so at times I felt crazy thinking “maybe it is me!” but I have learned that the gaslighting is part of what makes the victim the victim. My heart goes out to anyone who can remotely relate to the family system described in this article. You are NOT crazy. Ask for help and know that you are worth fighting for and that you are loved and important.

Reply

VETA K DAWSON February 4, 2019 at 4:06 pm

It seems as though it will never end. I have 5 sisters (I am #5) and we were all raised by a narcissistic mother. I know that 4 out of the 6 sisters are narcissistic. Is that possible? The non-narcissistic sister along with my self, are the only 2 that don’t have the narc characteristics. As of this weekend, and it could change tomorrow, I went to see my mom at hospital and all 5 of my sisters were there. For the most part I was totally ignored. It seems stupid but it is and has always been your side/my side type family. I have limited contact with sisters and only because of my mom. I want to keep an open limited relationship with my mom because she’s 82 and not in good health. But it’s hard at that knowing she’s really the one that started it all.
She can lie in the hospital bed and allow some of her daughters to blatantly mistreat another and never say a word.
I have 3 amazing adult children and I would be “discussing” with them about treating their siblings with kindness. 🙂
I could write a book on my life and the life of my mom and then each sister. It would be a lengthy drama/comedy (now but not at the time) story.

Reply

AnaMika February 10, 2019 at 9:58 am

I am the 3rd daughter and now the villain since my dear dad passed away. I was neglected as a child and often beaten without provacation as a child. The physical damage it caused is a great source of pleasure for my mother as if I blame her she becomes the victim. Physical chastisement caused me to have severe endometriosis so I can’t ever have children. If I don’t blame her, she seeks attention from my siblings for my health issues. I don’t receive emotional support and have been told to either have a hysterectomy and move on or remain unable to work and stay at home with my narc mum.
My narc mother created a golden middle child who slept with my fiance. There was a lot of humiliating me in public so the golden child could make her move and steal my future ftom me.
The only consolation is, I can now move on with my life as I have emotional independence which the elder two don’t. And now I won’t be there to rescue them

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: