Narcissistic Parents

by Michelle Piper

Narcissistic parents cause “carried shame” in their children. Carried shame is different than “healthy shame.”  The important difference between the two in this case is carried shame originates from the narcissistic parent and is not your own, therefore not easily processed.

Healthy shame, on the other hand, is from ourselves. It is not from a narcissistic mother, or another external source.  It is from our own value system.

As an adult child of a narcissist (ACON), we may still unconsciously carry this shame with us. It can affect personal, work, and intimate relationships.  If you have a narcissistic mother in law or father in law, your spouse may carry shame and have some of the same reactions discussed here.

When we feel healthy shame, we are noting an “awareness function” that reminds us we are imperfect humans, limited, as all are all human beings and have operated out of our own sense of what is right and wrong. When appropriately felt, we don’t like it, but shame passes.

As it does so, it leaves us feeling whole and may even teach us a healthy lesson. However, if we carry the shame of someone else, like that of a narcissistic parent, it can have damaging effects on us and our relationships.

“I feel guilty all the time and I don’t know why,” is one way carried shame can feel.  Carried parental shame is toxic because it is injected from a parent’s abusive behaviors. You unintentionally hold onto the shame narcissistic parents should feel when they do boundary-less, harmful behavior.

A narcissistic parent does not feel healthy shame when they do violating behaviors to you but, instead projects that shame onto you.  Often, the result is that you feel inappropriate guilt and self loathing triggered by the narcissist’s inability to feel guilt, shame, or empathy.

As children, we can’t recognize that projected shame does not belong to us and, once we internalize it as a child, it is hard to see these feelings actually belong to our narcissistic mother or father, even as we become mature adults.

Carrying our narcissistic parent’s shame has crippling effects. Diminished sense of worth and value can last well into adulthood.

We can become hypersensitive to feedback because the negative voice we may carry from our parent amplifies the well meaning criticism from others we can trust, sadly, by activating the burning toxic shame from the narcissist who violated our trust in the first place.

Narcissistic parents transfer their shame onto their children, particularly the scapegoat of the family. This happens because a narcissist does not realize their behavior is shameful, but the scapegoat child feels something nameless is amiss.

Usually the scapegoat in the family is highly intuitive and prone to take on the pain and troubles of others. As the scapegoat matures, he or she often becomes the “truth teller” about the harmful behavior happening in the family and attracts negative attention from siblings and parents alike.  The child’s sense of reality may be eroded.

Shame can be an intolerable feeling that can give you a sense of inadequacy and unworthiness of feeling happy or free. When a child feels this way, they believe it is their own fault that their narcissistic parent treats them cruelly and doesn’t love them. Their trauma is carried with them for a long time. They carry the internalized message that they are not good enough, bad, and a defective human.

In a family with a narcissistic parent, the scapegoat is not a person, but rather an object, as narcissists tend to objectify all people. In contrast, when the child is in the golden child role the child is treated as the good object.

If, as a child, you were put in the scapegoat role and treated as the bad object, it can feel as if you existed solely as a container for the blame and burdens of the family. The shame that is placed on the scapegoat child would make any kid feel confused and unsure of why they’re made to feel this way, leaving them to try to figure out what they did wrong.

Because the origins of shame do not belong to you as an adult and childhood may be a painful and avoided memory, it is hard to figure out how to rid ourselves of such traumatic feelings.

Adult children of narcissists have learned to overcome it by releasing the feelings of ownership of the carried feelings in order to rid the shame from yourself.  Remove the shame that has nothing to do with you, carried shame, to make room for new experiences in your life.

To do this, get in touch with your feelings and what your narcissistic parent did to you when you were younger. If you were placed in the scapegoat role, you may have succumbed to the role and allowed all of the troubles and burdens of your family to be placed on your shoulders.

Now is the time to release all of that negative energy and know that what happened to you when you were younger was not your fault and that you are a worthy person.

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Kelani October 31, 2012 at 6:58 pm

“I feel guilty all the time and I don’t know why,” is one way carried shame can feel. Carried parental shame is toxic because it is injected from a parent’s abusive behaviors. You unintentionally hold onto the shame narcissistic parents should feel when they do boundary-less, harmful behavior.”

Wow! Just wow! I’ve been reading a lot lately about NPD but had never read this put quite this way. This is exactly how I feel. I’ve always felt this way. Even as a small child. I’ve always felt like there was something just inherently bad about me. I’m just a bad egg. I would make a mistake or behave badly or make a poor decision (as children are prone to do without adult guidance and nurturing; I had an Ignoring Mother) and I always felt sooo shameful, like I, and everyone else, would just be better off if I didn’t exist. I try to look back at my life and tell myself “Hey, you weren’t bad, you were just a kid.”, but I still find myself feeling guilty, thinking I’m making excuses for myself, not owning up to the reality of how awful I am.
Your words are really powerful for me. I didn’t do anything wrong, my mother did. I shouldn’t feel guilty, my mother should. Her behavior doesn’t belong to me. I don’t own her narcissism. It’s hard for me to balance this carried shame with the reality that I am not a perfect person. I have done bad things. But I am trying to work through it all and draw that boundary between where what she did to me ends and I begin. Thank you!


Michelle Piper November 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Dear Kelani,
You are welcome. Thanks so much for letting me know what was helpful to you in this article. Carried shame and other carried feelings is a helpful concept I learned from Pia Mellody’s work and she has a few books you may find helpful. Best of luck to you!


Claire November 18, 2016 at 10:03 am

I found this idea of carried shame very helpful. As far as my mother was concerned, there many, many things wrong with me. I was the scapegoat, the truthteller, all of that. I accept that she doesn’t care about me, what I resent is this legacy of shame and damage that has poisoned my life.
Not only was my mother a narcissistic, she was depressed, unable to cope with the demands of children – I was screamed at and abused for the crime of being hungry – and suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. All objects in the house were classified, as I imagine were the offspring. My father was frightening, bad-tempered, drunk enabler. I NEVER wanted to go home. I sincerely wish they’d given me away to be adopted. I have not spoken to my parents for 20 years. I think that was a good move. All my mother wants to do is manipulate me and she is angry that I ahve the strength to stay away from her and her toxic games. Sadly I’ve just realised my sister is like this too. But at least it explains why I’ve spent 30 years trying to be her friend and she’s been so nasty in return. She’s out of the picture now as well. Just left with a lot of unresolved trauma


joseph December 13, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Narcissistic mothers are not mothers. They are disabled people with no business having children. They are sick, in every way. They transfer the symptoms of their ravaged soul over to their kids. It is insidious, confusing, gross, and evil.


Roger January 15, 2013 at 1:10 pm

It is so true, they aren’t mothers at all. My NM would project onto me all the time and it took me so long to realize that she was making me feel bad about things that I shouldn’t. If something went wrong, it was my fault. If she didn’t like something, it was my responsibility to fix it. It confused me and made me question myself almost every day. I tried to be a good son but was always shut down.


pall June 20, 2013 at 1:05 am

really true after reading this column i feel iam in some rehab treatment and iam getting better day by day it actually saved my mental life, thanks michelle, and everybody here, i did not a get a job in USA and came back to India, my mother has changed me from golden to scapegoat, wants to put shame in me as if I killed somebody, I just did not succeed in getting work visa or job, but i can work in my country but her dreams of getting rich are over hence ,till i read this blog i was so depressed carrying guilt shame, but i feel better


Joy September 3, 2013 at 3:26 pm

This makes clear a clearly difficult reality, I understand better what has been happening to me in life, it is good to know that it is a true challenge for those who have been victims to keep seeking answers and gaining tools to restore a broken spirit, I am encouraged by this information, now I can rebuild a healthier self esteem in time, taking each day and working with these newfound tools! Thank you for this information for better understanding.


tropicpar September 28, 2013 at 5:31 am

This is good information, and I am thankful that it is freely available. Having a narcissistic parent is challenging and not even mental professionals discuss it or identify the complex situation. Good mental health professionals are very rare and, mostly, treat symptoms such as shame superficially. For me, the haven’t seem to catch up with my situation, factors or profundize in family disfunction. I feel validated, instead, by this information.


Anonymous September 21, 2013 at 11:05 am

Thank you for writing about such difficult, vague, not clearly-defined feelings and intuitions that children and adult children of narcissists have, but have NEVER been able to put their finger on. You bring them to light with the utmost clarity. Things that have been lifelong, confusing, vague, yet creepy feelings become aha! light bulb moments when reading your articles. It is just the most amazing feeling to have after so long. You have such a talent for being able to put words, clearly, onto lifelong, confusing, horrible feelings. I am always fearful of thinking of my own narcissistic mother in a cruel way (don’t ask me why)… But it’s never felt cruel to think of her in this way when reading your articles, just brutally honest, which is such a sigh of relief to finally have that honesty. Thank you so much for this! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!


withheld January 26, 2014 at 9:10 am

Please answer this question? My NM will ask me a question. I answer it. Then she says, “That’s not my question.” and proceeds to ask another similar one.
HOW do I respond to her habitual “that’s not my question?” communication???


Juniper October 24, 2016 at 9:27 am

That would make me mental. I would try to paraphrase what she’s saying into a yes or no question. “are you saying x?” then give a yes or no answer. Or leave the conversation.


Anonymous May 23, 2014 at 1:42 am

Thank you for all this information that you provide so freely. It is helpful for so many, I believe. Even helpful to me, who is myself a therapist, and a recovered child of two narcissistic parents.

I´ve had long separation periods from my parents. I worked through my experiences and buildt my own life. Then for periods I´ve tried to see if things were changed, especially as my mother begged for contact and promised not to do those things again. I never trusted her, of course. But out of mercy, and also because of the positive things a family can provide after all, I have tried again and again. Whenever I set healthy boundaries, however, my parents blame me and label me in negative ways towards the rest of my family.

Now I have children of my own. I promised myself that if my parents ever let their destructiveness reach my children, I will breach the contact again. When they were small, things functioned better. But now that my kids are getting older, my mother´s manipulation is reaching them too. After a really really bad episode that scared my children, followed by my parents´denial, blaming it all on me, and going behind my back to tell their one-sided version to my siblings, setting them all up against me – now enough is enough.

My dilemma is: Whether to breach the bond completely between the children and their grandparents, or allowing some contact (for the childrens sake, not the grandparents´). And what about the rest of the (manipulated) family, who are taking my parents side? They are so much part of the destructive system in our family. Also, I would need advise as to how much explain to children (one older and two younger).


Ck January 25, 2018 at 7:39 am

I have same boundary. Mom screaming at my 14 year old at her birthday. We left. Tons of texts asking for just my son to come back and she didnt know my daughter had issues. No apology. Then me and my daughter crazy and she has my son engaged in a victim mentality that we try hard to recover from after she leaves. I decided low contact but she tries to throw door open with her “things” which she plays lucy and the football with. I am getting better at nit playing. I told her she didnt need to be in my childrens lives so now she is all slobberly overly nice like some bad 50s movie. The cycle starts again, but i have denied her contact with my kids. And i am enjoying this aspect of the peace.


Melanie June 19, 2014 at 10:17 am

Focus on creating a life without any of those family members in it. Think of yourself as creating a new beginning for a healthy life with your children, your spouse if you have one…your core family.
You are striving for balance in your present situation but that is impossible with people who feed on creating drama and exerting control. You have to believe that and accept it for a healthier life. If don’t accept their behavior for yourself, don’t accept it for your children. Your parents won’t be different with them. They just have more angles to manipulate now.


Debora Peterson October 1, 2014 at 9:01 am

I am 46 years old…I had a tearable childhood from the time I was 8 when my parents recorded….til I was 18! All my adult life I never talked about my childhood, my husband of now going on 27 years never even knew about my childhood…wanted to try to forget about it! My plan was working GREAT!!! until about 4 weeks ago!…before that my husband and I adopted our 3 grandchildren, everything was going great! Until our daughter decided to get clean and sober! I am very pleased she is getting better…but know she wants to see her children and we won’t let her! So my MOTHER took it personal on her part!..don’t know why! So ever since she has very judgmental of my parenting skills! She even told me that she thinks my grandchildren are a burden on us!!! And that was all it took!! That one WORD triggered memories of my horrible childhood! But you know if you have ever had a narcissistic mother its never her FAULT!! NOTHING IS!!! so now after 46 years being told I was the NORMAL child, now I’m a DRAMA QUEEN!! I have always thought something was wrong with my mom! This article explains a lot!!! Thank you!!! Very much! As of right now my is no longer apart of my life until she can stop playing the victim!!! So I’m leaving it in her ballpark if she will be a part of my families life again!!! But I can tell you my life has not been as stressful since I made this decision!!! I love my mom! Very much!!! But this is about me and my family now!! Not her!!!


desdemonamcphee December 22, 2014 at 12:55 pm

I only recently began searching for a “name” for what happened to me and my family. Only after reading up on this page and a few others did I realize that my mother was a narcissitic parent—and I was a scapegoat child. Only after I left home at 17 (never to return) did the rest of my family realize that my mother was responsible for her daily heinous actions. I wasn’t “causing” them.

I’d also like to say that I wish I read this page years ago. After I got out of my parents home, I spent about five years as a hedonistic “free spirit” who trampeled on the feelings on everyone around me. And boy did I have a lot of willing victims. After realizing how much I was hurting people I cared about (first step in developing my stunted empathy), I went in the opposite direction and entered long relationships with other narcissists. They weren’t openly vicious and cruel the way my mother was, but they equally disregarded my feelings, appropriated my time and money as their own, and expected me to bend to their wishes – which I did.

I’ve never been able to explain or put a name on any of this. Until now. So I thank you for your article.


HustlerSam April 2, 2015 at 12:43 am

“You unintentionally hold onto the shame narcissistic parents should feel when they do boundary-less, harmful behavior.”

That’s what I do. Especially that my biological father was not a “simple” narcissist, but a psychopath. I feel guilty and shameful for ridiculous reasons, and I feel I’m crazy because of it.

Don’t wish this sht on anyone.


anonymous May 10, 2016 at 7:18 am

I had no idea that for years I was being subtly undermined and was the target of my Fathers narcissism that eventually left me feeling deeply angry and at times full of rage for no apparent reason. They both my parents did all the correct thing we had food on the table and clean clothes and a nice house. It was only after I went for proper professional counselling that I realised how deeply affected I had been and I started to a knowledge not forgive them just aknowlege what happened that I was able to start to process what had gone on . I feel that now I can be a better parent and hopefully stopped the dreadful cycle continuing from generation to generation basically through developing my self awareness something that my father wasn’t brave enough to do. This article has been really helpful even though it was my father who was the narcissist not my mother.


Lesley May 15, 2016 at 12:44 pm

I can’t even express how much you have helped me! My life has been torture because of that woman. The scapegoating and outright hatred of me started when I was a toddler, I have never known anything else. But I knew her vicious words didn’t truly describe me. They described her, though. Thank you.


Susan October 27, 2016 at 7:00 pm

Thank you for this article and thank you to all who left comments. My story is too long to go into detail here except to say that what I couldn’t put into words was well stated here. Being subjected to the life long abuse of an NM has left its scars. I’m thankful to have survived long enough to finally know the truth and work on recovery. I have a feeling many resort to suicide as a result of this experience.


Anony July 26, 2018 at 9:01 am

Sadly, my good friend just did. I had sent her a link to this site a few hours too late, unaware she was already gone.


Ted December 3, 2016 at 8:33 pm

very helpful article. thanks alot. and very timely.


El January 1, 2017 at 4:23 am

Like many others who read this article, I found it incredibly revealing – it brought home some painful truths. Again, in common with many others who left comments here, my own personal story is far too long to go into any detail. Suffice it to say that I believe BOTH my parents have narcissistic tendencies. They do not respect boundaries; they attempt to control my life (e.g. important decisions about career, what I wear, who I associate with, where I went to school, etc.); they are highly critical and forever fault-finding; they always have to be right, or “top dog” and do not tolerate differences of opinion…
In the past, right up to the present, I have lived with a sense of being somehow “less then”, “defective” and always “wrong”. No matter what I did, I would be at fault for doing it. My parents were inconsistent and hypocritical in respect of rules and social etiquette – one rule for one, and another for another. Thus, they might criticize me for doing something that THEY had done themselves and thought nothing of! Added to this, they spent endless time making comparisons of themselves, and of me, with other people. THEY always had to be best. By contrast, in their eyes, there was always someone better than me – “why can’t you be pretty like cousin so and so, she’s the pretty one”, or “cousin so and so is going to study accountancy at University, why can’t you be more like that?”. Ironically, they appeared to favour FAILURE over and above doing well. In my family, if you are a QUITTER, you get endless praise – if you try to succeed, you get blamed. Thus, my brother (who failed University by dropping out) is the “golden child”, whilst I am “spoiled, stuck up and have a sense of entitlement” because I got a Degree and am now doing Postgraduate study! My father, in particular, has always criticized what I wanted to do with my life. When I did well and wanted to study English Literature, this subject became “piss-assed” in his eyes and he said it “would not get me a proper job”. Nowadays, he again argues that postgraduate study is “not a proper job” and claims its a “waste of time”. This coming from a man who left school with NO qualifications. Is there a touch of envy there?
I have noted that behaviours such as those above are NOT limited to my parents – they spread throughout the wider family too. Aunts and Uncles are much the same – always comparing their lives, boasting, poking their noses into other people’s business. You cannot go to a family gathering without people asking questions like “so what do you do for a living?”, “ooh, how can you do that?”, “what does it pay?”, “what’s your house worth now?”… or making comments like “our daughter married a rich man and lives in London now”, “when we get a house together it’ll have four bedrooms, not just three like yours”. There is an endless, snidey one-upmanship that I find nauseating! Added to that, NOBODY in the family permits change. They tend to pigeonhole people, so that one person is “the pretty one”, another “the brainy one”, another “the wealthy one”, and so forth… These “labels” are made to stick, including negative ones. Even if a person has changed, the family still view them the same old way. Personally, I feel I am still treated as the immature and naïve teenager I was YEARS ago! This means that the family drag up ALL my past mistakes (big and small), but NEVER want THEIRS dragged up. They refuse to let my errors drop, and fail completely to see that since my teens I have totally changed and live a respectable life. Indeed, I sometimes feel that if my life were NOT my own, the family would be PRAISING it and not CRITICIZING. However, because it’s me, criticism is the order of the day!
I can totally identify with the concept of “carried shame”. I have felt for a long time a deep, and intuitive, sense of something “being off” – but growing up it’s hard to put your finger on just what this is. Only as an adult can you look back with hindsight and see that your upbringing was dysfunctional. That your own parents never let you simply be you – you always had to be what they wanted you to be, an extension of them. You were never separate, independent, human in your own right. It felt like everyone else “owned” your life, and that you had no right to live it the way you wanted to. If you tried, this lead to problems with the family. There was NO WAY that you could escape feeling shame, feeling worthless, having low self-esteem, feeling afraid… It’s as though you became trapped in this situation. The behaviours of people around you forced you into it.
I can so totally identify with what many people have written in their comments – especially the person who writes that narcissistic parents know just how to look like they are doing the “right thing”. You know, putting food on the table, having a nice house, keeping up appearances… I suspect they do this to fool outsiders.
My question, though, is one I would love to see answered. I just really NEED to know why it is that so many so-called help and support services – including General Practitioners, Counsellors and Therapists, Social Services, the NHS, and charities like Samaritans – have NO CLUE what it is like for a child to grow up with narcissistic parents, and DO NOT UNDERSTAND how to help when asked for assistance. Indeed, why so many of them DO NOT even believe what a person says about their parents. WHY don’t aid organizations understand the dangers of narcissistic parents and the serious damage they do? WHY are there not special services to deal with this? WHY are so many of us let down so badly, and forced to live much of our lives in the shadow of narcissists? I just HAVE to know why NOBODY is helping us all – we are NOT all making things up. What we claim is TRUE. What child would intentionally destroy a good relationship with loving parents by making bad things up? I doubt children do this, so when kids like me (now an adult), and the others who have written comments on this article, speak up and tell our stories WHY ARE WE RARELY BELIEVED?
To have so-called support services deny our truth, reject our claims, and label us “liars” or “fakers” adds yet more layers of hurt – insult to injury. We are looking for people who will HEAR us. That at least would be a start!


Anonymous February 26, 2017 at 9:50 pm

YOU are a gift. Thank you for these articles.


Mbivens March 11, 2017 at 11:26 am

I have a question about carrying a mother’s shame. My mother had my younger brother, three years younger then me with a married man and I grew up with the shame of thinking that he was my baby “shame”. Is this my mother projecting on me or me carrying the shame? He is the favorite along with my older brother. She even blames me for my younger brother’s drug use. I am one of her two daughters. My younger sister was my younger brother’s full sister and was given up for adoption due to their father not leaving his wife.


Linzy April 27, 2017 at 6:48 pm

Hi I am 28 and I realize my mother is narcissistic and have alot of shame and depression. I recently had my third child the other two are twins and for some reason I am having a difficult time not disassociating all the time and connecting. Like I can’t hardly handle it. My SO is supportive but I’m faced with constantly feeling guilty about how I am as a parent and how I’m just like her. I have literally been so depressed I can’t go anywhere or see anyone. My mother came to my house this past Easter to drop things off for the kids so I left and my husband stayed. I feel confused like I don’t know how to describe what is happening. All I know is since I’ve had my kids my mother has made me feel like shit. she will say things like,” so and so has a nice car and house. Too bad you can’t live like them.” Or ” this person looks so good! You can’t even tell she had a baby..” she said to me before my twins were born that she hoped my daughter didn’t get my features because we’ll you know I’m the scapegoat and the ugly one. It crushed me. Then after they were born she said my daughter was beautiful and looked just like my golden child sister. I’m scared because I don’t want to be selfish and keep my kids away from their Grandma but I also want to keep a distance because I fear her nastiness will infiltrate my kids and they will hate me just like she does. I don’t know if this is making any sense. Thanks for reading.


Molly January 25, 2018 at 1:55 pm

Linsy, I’m sorry your mother is/has been behaving like that. She is being mean.

Someone told me the best way to help my children was to get better myself. She was right. I am so much healthier and our family reflects that. I quit drinking and attend al-anon meetings. The help of a skilled therapist was amazing. Some therapists are bat-shit crazy, so be judicious. I also have very limited contact with my mother because it was crazy-making. How can a person be healthy when their mother is toxic? The day I brought my first child home from the hospital my mother wanted to know what I was serving HER for dinner.??? My husband picked up Taco Cabana that night, and I asked her if the next day she would make us dinner like my friends mothers would do when they brought home a baby. She did, and then gave me receipt from the grocery store to pay her back.??? Not all mothers nurture, some just take. Best wishes for you and your family.


Gerard July 2, 2017 at 8:04 am

Thank you for your clear writing. It rings true and helps me better understand the background of my shame-bound life. Today I was reading The Betrayal Bond (Patrick Carnes) and halfway the book talks about ‘carried shame’ (the term is put in parentheses, no explanation offered). I thought this must be a familiar concept then. So I looked it up and find your article. Your explanation sounds clear and convincing to me and sheds new light on my past. The picture of the narcissist household is recognizable for me, the silence and taboos, the stress and hostile acts. This idea of the transference of the energy from the parent’s mood, the unconscious transference of negative energy in the dark and unpredictable household, is very interestin and thought-provoking to read. The concept is recognizable and rings true with regard to my upbringing. I am grateful for this fertile concept, thanks for your empathic writing, and openness on the subject matter. Disfunctional parents bring about strange chemistry, they feed you with dark and sticky matter, the gloomy background affects the rest of your life. It is important for all concerned to learn about the intricate workings. It can help to defuse the load we carry, and that still plagues me in daily life. Wish you well with the work. Kind regards, Gerard.


Doreen September 18, 2017 at 1:24 pm

I have recently learned about narcissistic parents and the extent of the possible damage. I am a surviving adult child of NP. I’m ashamed to say I’ve been a victim and a perpetrator. I have been on the self healing path for three decades. I am a work in progress and always seeking ways to understand and heal. As a young mother I made mistakes that would have devastating consequences on my firstborn’s life. It will be nearly 4 years since he ended his life. I would give anything to be able to undo my mistakes. They say ‘You are not to Blame, you did the best you knew how at the time.’ but I know I played a part. I can blame my mother or his wife, but blame doesn’t give me peace. I must continually find forgivness and look for the lesson in all of this. Thanks for making this site available.


Molly January 25, 2018 at 1:04 pm

This website is helpful. I’m 45 and although I knew something was off, my mom was the “nice” narcissist and I loved her so much. She was also my only parent. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my father abandoned us. We maybe saw him once a year. I believe he had NPD. For the last 40 years of his life he told everyone he was a Green Beret in the Vietnam War, but had never enlisted or served. I was the lost child. It’s the million things that were not said, done, or taught that I missed. It’s hard to put your finger on it when you’re young-or older. I was emotionally neglected. I was conditioned to leave my mom alone. When I got married my mother became covertly mean. For the last 20 years despite me telling her to quit, she constantly tells me how fabulous it was that she had such a wonderful dad. She likes to tell me how she was his favorite and that she was so adored. That’s weird for the mother of a fatherless child to tell the child how great it is to have a father. Especially when she was the one who chose my father. I can’t have a conversation with her and not get triggered because she slips in some comments to make me upset. I know she enjoys upsetting me. I’m limited contact with her. I only see or talk to her if I have to. She tells everyone how I never call her, and they become her flying monkeys and tell me to call my mom.
It was such a relief when I finally found a therapist that told me her behavior was mean. I cried. The other therapists tried to explain things away. It must be hard for most to understand that some mothers don’t love their children. God has kept me safe and sane. I have been able to become part of my husband’s, not perfect, but warm, happy family. I have also done a lot of work on myself which has helped me be a better mother than I was before I knew why I was so sad. My children seem to be thriving. I enjoy being their mother. I still ruminate about why my mom would withhold the most basic things I needed to feel loved, but it’s getting better.


Janet March 12, 2018 at 5:00 am

Wow no wonder she hated me. I could see all that was going on and I did not mind telling everyone that I thought it was wrong. I had no idea my fake christian mother was not the christian she portrayed herself to be. It caused me to be back stabbed my entire life. She used religion God and the bible to abuse me with.


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