When Someone “Gets It” Regarding Your Narcissistic Mother

by Michelle Piper

Why is it such a relief when someone else “gets” how crazy our childhood was with a maternal narcissist?

Because, as children, we were terrified and alone at a vulnerable time. Before we’re 18, our brains were still developing, our perceptions of self and the world were greatly affected by others, especially our narcissistic mother.

Our sense of a separate self, unique and valuable was still forming and we fought to survive and stay sane.

When someone else can put words to the silent terror we experienced when we realized on some level that we were going to have to go it alone much more than many our same age, well, it’s a relief. We can tolerate the pain because:

Someone who cares, knows our true reality.
Someone is a witness.
Someone can, for at least a short time, capture the often non verbal experience of aloneness.

And, sometimes through this blog, it feels good to see the truth captive on the page in black and white.

When this happens, when another sees the truth of your experience, you might just have found someone who could be part of your trusted support network.

But remember, trust is earned. As a child with a narcissistic mother, it was taken, or given away. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. But you trusted the adults around you for a time.

That’s ok, it is what a child does. But now, as an adult you can choose people and experiences which are truly protective of your unique and valuable perfectly imperfect being.

{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }

Karen July 9, 2013 at 12:37 pm

I think the first step towards healing is RECOGNIZING the problem! When you begin to see others have experienced similar things regarding the narcissists in their lives, the pieces of the puzzle start to fit together in your own life. You recognize the head games for what they are.
You recognize how you were controlled and manipulated, how your siblings were manipulated and probably still are. You recognize when they are ENABLING the narcissist’s behavior to continue, by making excuses for the narcissist. After all, it’s always been much easier just to knuckle under and appease the narcissist. And deep down, that’s what the narc wants, so she can control you and get her way. My mother must make everyone in the family feel like a piece of dirt, so you have no self esteem. You doubt yourself and actually believe the nasty things she says about you. On the rare occasion any of us would stand up to her, she was able to throw a temper tantrum and enlist my spineless father’s assistance into bringing us UNDER CONTROL again. Getting angry at their insults was not allowed. If you did so, YOU were made to apologize for the garbage they started! This is still one of their favorite tactics, as it was recently pulled on my brother. He didn’t realize what happened until we were talking about it. I could write a book about all these things!


laura June 11, 2014 at 8:52 pm

Hi Karen,
I am more angry at my spineless father.Why does he support her abuse instead of his own children?Why does he do it?


Anonymous June 22, 2014 at 6:23 am

He doesn’t (or refuses) see her for who she truly is. Or he’s been in it so long, that he feels guilty for doing something different than what he’s done all along. He believes loving her is allowing her to do things and also, he is at home alone with her… He doesn’t want to rock the boat


runnerzero October 15, 2015 at 6:14 pm

My father is similar. He sides with her no matter what evidence proves her wrong. During my childhood I think she may have used him as her puppet, delivering the overt abuse. He would come home from work then proceed to break things and cuss at me and call me names in my face on an almost daily basis. After i would go to bed I could hear him complaining about how stupid, worthless, manipulative, etc. I was to my mother and could hear her agree and say he was right.
He was the lesser of the two evils, but I could not recognize this at the time. The things she would do and say when no one else was around were far more damaging than simple curses and name calling.
Now in my 30’s, I have stopped talking to them. This was quite a painful decision, but I feel it was for the best. What gives me the impression that she manipulated him to behave this way when I was a child is by their eyes. Today her eyes are cold, denying, unforgiving, and hostile. Today his eyes are a bit more genuine, they tell me he wants the best for me and he is sorry for the way he behaved.
I feel a little sorry for him now, trapped in with her until death. Where else would he go at his age?
Ha.. the messed up ways one has to look at things after growing up in an unhealthy family. I may be wrong, but it really doesn’t matter anymore.


Brenda Sly March 21, 2018 at 1:50 am

I can relate to this big time


Leslie March 21, 2018 at 11:37 am

This. Once I had my son, and allowed her to watch him while I went to work, she would do things that I wouldn’t agree with. she would mother my son and tell me how I’m doing it all wrong. I would give her his schedule eating/sleeping/etc and she would defy it on purpose.

I tried to explain all of this to my father after he yelled at me for being too strict with her… and I tried to explain to him that she isn’t following any of my wishes for my son… he looked at me dead in the face and said “I will stand by your mother if she is wrong or right.”

And that’s when I lost my Dad.

BigBrownEyes January 16, 2016 at 6:51 pm

My father was the narc, or at least, a lot of his behaviour fitted that of a narc.
The only narc behaviour from my mum was to me.
I read bits of this blog and it matches her behaviour towards me.
My siblings are in total denial anything was wrong, but all through growing up, I had a feeling something was not right, but I thought that problem was with me, and I used to spend hours and hours writing down my thoughts and feelings, to try and figure out, what was wrong with me?
My siblilngs were abusive towards me as well.
I only found out that my family was abusive when I moved 300 miles away down here.


BlueSky March 8, 2017 at 10:53 am

This. I releate SO much to all of this, the siblings part got to me too.
Thank you for sharing.


Claire November 25, 2016 at 5:31 pm

Sounds just like my parents! My spineless father always backed up my mother no matter how demented she was. He was her enforcer too, when she needed some brute force. My god, being in a child in that house was like being in a prison with the most sadistic, volatile guards.


Paula August 29, 2013 at 6:42 pm

Hello Karen,
I know exactly what you are going through. My Nom loves to play those head games as well.
I think she is pathetic. And, I am staying away from her as much as I can (no contact).

Of course, she is making it easy at the moment… because once again she is angry at me over absolutely nothing at all.


Dot June 21, 2014 at 2:08 pm

I’m new to this, but yes! My whole life I am trying to prove to my mom and sister that I am not dirt! I am always guilty until I prove myself innocent, and then maybe things will go back to coocoo normal until the next attack. And they are ALWAYS on the ATTACK!
I recently went to court, as my sister had me served. All because of me defending myself against my sister and my mom in several emails- most anyone could see through their lies…. Why can’t they? IT’s CRAZINEss, I live 3 states away and she served me with domestic violence, and even the judge pointed out, it was not domestic violence, 5 emails in one year, explaining how they have scapegoated me.
So relieved to be told by the judge never to talk to my toxic sister again- my mom works for my sister at her court reporting business in CA- SO I WON’T be talking to her either!!! My mom who is getting Chemo for breast cancer was brought to court because of my weird sister, my younger brother had to miss a day of work because of my coo coo sister. It’s funny but the attacks were more consistant and hurtful the closer my mom comes to death- must be the inheritance my sister feels she is earning with her attacks.
Hallelujah- no more contact!


Michelle Piper June 21, 2014 at 2:31 pm

Dear Dot,

I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and I’m glad you are staying safely away from being scapegoated as much as possible.


Jason August 4, 2014 at 9:44 am

I feel like sharing my story…

My mother was some sort of Narcisist, I think with psychopathic tendencies. As a child I was abused, starved, ridiculed, locked in closets, lock in sheds, abandoned, basically tortured. She was my Adolf Hitler. My brother and some sisters were selected, as I think scapegoats but mostly it was just my brother and I for the real torture. As I got a bit older when I was around 11 she would kick me out of the house, I would also run away. I would be forced to try and find shelter in streets, steal food, or anything I could to survive. When police would pick me up for shoplifting or trespassing my mother would start fake crying, shift the blame to me then after the police left kick me back out after some twisted punishment. I could write a book really…

The ability for her to manipulate others around her is not comprehensible she could talk anybody into anything. Police, teachers, neighbors, outside family members. Everyone thought I was the worst kid in the planet. My brother did not fair any better, however there were some of my sisters who were delegated as the enforcers, and some treated like princesses. So the total opposite of what I experienced. At one point, I got myself hurt playing around doing something stupid. I was in the hospital and she refused to pick me up. Crying, complaining, I’m destroying the family…ect.. The whole thing ended up in court, they wanted to give up custody of me of course this kicked off with me getting committed to a loony bin for 8 months. During the stay in the home I think the counselors figured out quickly that once I had food in my stomach and a roof over my head I was not a problem child I was made out to be. Long story short, they went to court, she lost moved out of the state to avoid accountability.

Here I am an adult I don’t need closure or a mother anymore but I’m really frustrated that the remaining children are now young adults scattered all over believe her stories that I was this devil kid that caused a family break up. So not only has my mother, I don’t even mention my father as he was the enforcer or robot that followed orders. The final kick in the but is the destruction of the relationships.

Other takes..

Very manipulative, highly intelligent…
cheating on husband with multiple men
Children from multiple men while managing to keep husband around
Pleasure from hurting own children
Pitting siblings against each other, create hierarchy of value girls on top, boys on bottom, some girls better than others..
Lying is truth
Can act any kind of emotion
Create story for other siblings that is excepted as reality


Betsy August 5, 2014 at 12:09 pm

Jason, thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with horrid abuse your whole life.
There is not an easy recovery or quick fix for years of abuse but telling your story is a great place to start. Over the years I have shared many little snippets about my childhood and that’s where I discovered that things I thought were acceptable were actually horrible. Each time that happened I was able to grow and repair my “wrong” thinking.
I’m just starting to share about my experiences with a NM and an enabling father and it is great to know that there are others that can relate.
Again, thank you for taking a chance with us.


Annette December 14, 2014 at 8:15 am

Hi, I am new to the discovery that I have a NM and an enabling father (now dead). Unfortunately, my husband also behaves exactly like my mother. I used to think I could talk with my mother about my frustration with him. Now I realize that she enjoys my pain. But now I have nobody to talk to when I am in pain. I don’t know what hurts more.


EvolvedHeathen June 1, 2015 at 8:20 pm

I’m in exactly the same situation. Oldest child, female, 8 years the elder of the only other offspring from NM who was a male and my half brother. Anyways, I now realized I married my mother’s male and younger clone…a NIGHTMARE to say the least…. It’s a destructive cycle that must be dissected piece by piece because I CANNOT and will not repeat it again. He helped me see her in a more clear way but now I realize he was only turning me against his only competition. I don’t work the way they do….


Johnita Moore April 24, 2017 at 11:22 pm

Oh my evolvedheathen this is my story in a nutshell add to that six kids under the age of 11 putting myself through nursing school and working full time I was pregnant with my fourth baby when I graduated with my rn. I went from my mom’s control to my husband’s almost seamlessly never noticing his behavior was unacceptable and using sex as a way to “talk things out” I had to be dragged downcto the Pitts of hell I hated life and I was a young mother.. I questioned my love for my children always feeling like there was something about me that was just wired differently than everyone else. So when I loomes.back on memories of my mother always telling me nothing was ever good enough for me id botch if I found a lot of gold and there was no handle attached. If someone kidnapped me they’d bring me back real quick. Or she’s book smart just no common sense. My mother as a.gag gift on chtistmas.day i was i dunno 15 bought me an inflatable bra cause she had to point out my small chest and remind everyone on Christmas day? No one else got such an insulting gift. She used.to sing to me “nobody lobes me everybody hates me in gonna eat some worms” thereby completely invalidating my expressing not feeling loved by my family. How fucking sad is that? Then to be told you’re too sensitive your a crybaby. I wet the bed until I was like 9 years old. In fact I remember the morning of my 9th bday,party I woke up to wet sheets and I didn’t want my mom to find out so I remember putting the sheets in the washer before all my friends came over for my party. She completely emotionally neglected me well my whole life but at vital times when I needed her reassurance. I thank God for having the father I did and for every other weekends. I UNDERSTAND now why when I was young and me and my mom would go at it and a narcissist simply can not lose even if it’s to a 11 year old little girl. I would run away to my dad’s and her be so happy but every time something always drew me back to her. Her and my husband liked to buy their way out of taking responsibility never telling me this is my issue not you. Nothing if wrong with you! I have my husband all control and gave up everything I enjoyed in,life. I was mindless to everything around me for a couple years (after working as a nurse, having two more kids and paying the bills, grocery shopping taking kids to and from school I was still made to believe I could.not do all this if not for my narc mother and husband. I gave my husband full control after an incident in which he found a way to blame me again and I quit life. Just as I imagine he’s felt his whole.life knowing no better he took over the role of narcisstic tyrant father and for a while after getting tired of fighting decided they’ll never hurt me again .im going through what feels like the death of the mother I longed for. I keep second guessing myself but quickly coming back to reality all I know is that I feel i have a very,strong message i.want people to be mindful of. If I had recognized her emotional abuse and seen through her in high school when she was all of a sudden the proud mom who raised such a wonderful daughter I wouldn’t have been blinded by her control then of course her loving approval of my narc husband. I told her i set the date for wedding she got offensive and said she wouldn’t be there cause she already told her friend she’s made a dish. Then says now I overreacted was being dramatic she didn’t help me with anything for my wedding. I was pretty much on my own. But you bet your ass she got drunk enough and played proud mom better than anyone. I see through thier games now and my mind just will not stop. It’s constantly thinking ruminating i just want to be happy and live a normal life enjoying my kids. Thanks for letting me vent. It feels so good for at least some validation..

BigBrownEyes January 16, 2016 at 7:00 pm

That sounds absolutely horrific, Jason, and I am sorry you had to go through all of this.
I hope that one day, the truth does come out, and that you are able to reunite with your siblings and have a good relationship, but, if this does not happen, I also hope that somehow, as painful as it is, you can still live an enjoyable and loving life.
You have had to grow up quickly, which means you lost some of your childhood, but you are wiser for it.
It sounds terrible suggesting that someone stay away from their own mother, but in cases where mothers are as toxic as this, only trouble can come from having them in your life.


Sally March 24, 2018 at 6:47 pm

My next sister can relate to this. NM put up a noose in the garage so she might hang herself. Bashed her head against the wall when brushing her hair thereby having nerve damage in the head now and left with a tremor of epilepsy type. whereas us, she would slap us around the head – thereby deafness in one ear for both of us. I always wondered what the heck made her like this. I watched bigger than life and thought it might be just this, then post natal depression, but she never had any guilt or empathy for us. She only had kids for purposes.


Rose August 13, 2014 at 2:24 am

I am just discovering this whole eye opening Narcissism deal. My Mom is one and my Dad is passive and all outsiders are important over family. My Mom disowned me and I am grateful for peace. God heals over time. I think my daughter is also NM. This is so sad. She is 20. She has many symptoms. (is adopted) How do I handle her? Thanks.


Ted December 31, 2015 at 2:59 pm

My daughter is the same and is sadly now estranged. What I think you need to do is give your daughter unconditional love for who she is and not what she does or how she behaves. Point out and don’t respond to manipulation. Model empathic, considerate behaviour for others. Show her that you value the substance over surface, values over acquisitions. Talk about your feelings and show her it is ok to feel vulnerable, sad and inadequate from time to time but that this doesn’t make her less worthy of love.


Tam August 16, 2014 at 7:13 am

I am so glad I found this group. I have completely been broken by my mother. She allowed me to be sexually abused as a child and then later married my abuser and they had my sister who is the absolute golden child and they have spent their entire lives scapegoating me and now that I am married my husband has been scapegoated with me. I have chased a relationship with her trying to be the one to heal everything and she won’t even attempt to help me resolve my past trauma. In fact, she re-traumatizes me constantly with her emotional /verbal abuse, denial and blaming of me for everything she has caused me. I am to the point of giving up and I want to go no contact but she has recently left me in a bind because my husband and I trustingly went into business with her and we both quit our jobs to help 100% of the time at the business thinking we were on track to a better relationship and then she, her abuser husband and my golden child sister pushed us out of the business recently because we were working 12-14 hour days both of us away from our children from the time we kissed them goodbye in the morning and would get back barely in time to kiss them goodnight and little did she care because we were keeping her business afloat while her husband and golden child did little to nothing without bitching and complaining about it. And so here we are stuck now with no income and now have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to support our family until we can try and re-enter employment. I really hate them right now and I feel bad for saying that because I’ve been conditioned into martyr-dom just by way of being the scapegoat. Now she tells everyone we left her high and dry by leaving the business but we were MADE to leave. Actually forced to leave by her minions that are the abuser husband of hers and her precious little spoiled brat because how dare we have any ownership in anything that impacts their cushy little lifestyle. Then she has the gall to send me a text saying that she got fair tickets for me and my kids and we could go all week if we wanted on her tab. (WTF??!!!?) ok so you expect me and my family to go to the fair when we are trying to figure out how to feed YOUR grandchildren?? She doesn’t care about me or my family and I am so done with her messy-ness. I SO badly want to go no contact with this woman. My brother went NC 2 years ago and although he cut off the entire family (including me–because at the time I defended her) I understand now why. She hates my husband and she was the same way with my brother’s wife. She campaigns against anyone who opposes her treatment in a way that people seem to side with her so what’s the point of trying to defend one’s self from this especially when the family always seems to fall for her self-induced pity parties? Is there anything that can be said to these people to get through to them or is it just best to go NC? I am in too much pain to continue subjecting myself to her abuse. I am sure I am ready for NC. Need guidance though.


Mel February 19, 2017 at 2:05 pm

If I were you, I would go no contact for now and focus on busting your butts to get your independent lives together. Get financially stable and plan not to sacrifice that. Do mot confront as that may result in more destructive behavior. You can always change your mind later, though you may want to work on not doing that. See what you can do to protect yourself and your child from contact and focus on studying this phenomena in our families, and on how to straighten out your attitude toward yourself and the NPD’s, and physical healing big time because this lifestyle damages our bodies. People sometimes change but narcissists don’t usually seem to. Your mother probably knows she needs you, but she and the other family members have hurt you. Better to focus on dealing with your aner on your own, and meeting and protecting your own needs well and quickly


cathy August 20, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Hi Tam
Sounds like your walls are falling in on you. Your family are the important ones, not the extended. I would suggest concentrate sorting jobs so your family are fed. Could your husband take a more active roll in speaking with your Mom? I put an ID on our phone and someone else takes the call making an excuse I’m not around. You need space. NC is hard and I believe takes time so when your hurting and have issues its not the right time. My Mum has begged me to have contact with her in the past and as soon as I have agreed she automatically turns back to a gremlin! You first need to be strong in yourself, build on the strength and support on knowing your children will not be subjected to seeing you hurt and depair. Get your lives back on track and ask for support from people who know what you are going through.


D December 7, 2014 at 10:34 am

I am the eldest daughter from a marine corps family. Only in the past few years did I realize the real negative impact my mother had on my life. It was always ALL about my parents. I was the one who was emotionally abandoned but we had to keep up the appearances that every thing was hunkey dorey in our home. I never was able to have a “voice” about emotions or life….my dad was the high ranking officer and put up with my mother’s narcissism. She spoke for him often in life.
When my husband was killed in an accident my brother called my mother to see if he needed to come to the funeral . He was in Europe traveling with a high ranking officer. It was so devastating to me that he did not think of me but instead asked the “powerful controlling mother ” / I was injured. This was another wakeup call. She told him he did not need to come. HOW sick .

I feel my mother has been jealous of her two girls . I have seen the manipulation and the triangulation she pulls between the four siblings….saying subtle put downs to different ones to maintain the place of power.

We were subject to the military system and she could and still does brag based on her husbands accomplishements and her 4 “incredible children ” who she takes all the credit for.

I have many of the symptoms associated with having this narcissitic mother. She even tried to steal the affections of my only daughter now in her 30’s and spoke to her about me behind my back many times taking the place of power and authority in my daughter’s life. This was very very painful for me.

I have catered to these parents( dad now deceased) over so many years and have now pulled away for my own healing. My younger brother has been victimized also by the emotional manipulations of my mother. She is in 80’s now and living with my sister and her family . Hopefully my sister will survive and thrive no matter what.
I have never truly felt nurturing love from my mother though there has been a “semblance “of it. Thats what fooled me for so long.

I have a long healing journey ahead and I am trying to find myself in my late 50’s
My mom has always made 4 children an extension of herself.



Annette December 14, 2014 at 8:29 am

Hi D,
Thanks for your post. Your sentence [I have never truly felt nurturing love from my mother though there has been a “semblance “of it. Thats what fooled me for so long. ] really spoke to me. I am also in my late 50s, and I am so sad for not being loved and fooled for so long. As an earlier blogger said, I now remember scenes from my childhood that I found strange but acceptable, but that I now realize were really abuse. And I find myself in a marriage repeating this pattern. I can’t go no-contact with either my mom or my husband, so I am feeling very stuck and unsure where to start the healing process.


lauri February 2, 2019 at 10:17 am

unfortunately I, too am in my 50s and have just started my narcissism education. I kept becoming involved with men who tried to control me. I was always the rebel, the scapegoat and then a few years ago my dad died leaving me an inheritance that my NM thought she was entitled to 30 years after her divorce.
I was isolated, labeled an alcohalic and deemed “selfish and greedy” when I would not comply with her outrageous demands.
She gaslighted me, devalued me and abandoned me isolation to force me into her “mini-me”. I bacame the golden child through complete brainwashing.
I am so grateful to have learned the “why” this could occur.
I have been very LC for 4 months while sorting all of this out. I cannot believe she could literally turn me into a different person.
I have found an excellent therapist and have found support groups online. I even have a friend who “gets it”.
We are so strong. Us unloved kids. Self exploration and healing takes courage. Thank you to all who are here, trying to make sense out of madness. I love you all.❤


jude December 14, 2014 at 12:30 pm

Thanks Karen and all you; boy oh boy..know the secret is out My life of internalised Shame can start to heal. My NM was absent emotionally & I spent many years trying to fill that bewildering, painful void with men, annorexia bulaemia and then alcohol dependence. But now at 54, and 2 marriage failures behind me; I take what my “puppet” father says about my life being such a failure As TOTALLY INNACURRATE! How could someone who looked after the terminally ill who adored her (fir 9 years), be so so failed and bad, I ask myself now. I got 2 offers to goto Uni, got an Art Distinctionand recently an offer to buy my art. Never have either of them said a word of Praise! So I just kept on & on turning into that “failure” they painted me & my Sis as whilst the other 2 younger were built up! It hurts like hell to let go of this person who had moulded me so successfully into a submissive people pleaser and BUILD MY OWN NEW life without continually returning for more shit! I try today since I found this site. Thank you all. We are amazing Survivor’s.


DD December 19, 2014 at 12:55 am

Annette, your posts really resonate with me – same story precisely. But wondering why you say you can’t go no contact with your mother?


desdemonamcphee December 23, 2014 at 11:33 am

It took me a while to identify my mother as a narcissist because she never seemed to want to better herself or get ahead. However, I now understand that her narcissism had nothing to do with schooling or career for her (I was mistaking NPD with the popular usage of “narcissist” in conversation). She wanted to be seen as the ultimate upper middle class mother, and that meant having perfect children. And that meant she had to control us. Now that I understand NPD entails a lack of empathy and boundaries, I finally understand what was going on all those years and why I choose to move 3,000 miles away from my family at 22.


RR December 26, 2014 at 8:01 pm

I came home from living away for a long time to a whole different mother and now, in my early 40s, I’m at the point where I don’t even want to face this reality that my mother is who she is. She is also a Clinical Psychologist and so, you can imagine, is a whole different spin on having a NM. The hardest part to explain are the feelings, seeing moments where the contempt, jealousy, lack of empathy, and strange behind the scenes manipulating is happening, and it makes you feel crazy. Just last night it dawned on me that she wants me to feel crazy, and I do, and I feel weak and I don’t know how to not be what she wants, which is weak, powerless, a voiceless human being who has no rights or boundaries, who doesn’t deserve to be respected or loved. That’s how she makes me feel and I wonder, why do I let her make me feel this way? It must be wired into our survival instincts somehow because when I think of actually acting with confidence, joy, working towards healthy goals and being full of me in a big way, I think something terrible with happen to me. Feels like the consequence would be death, although I know it isn’t. I have trouble accepting that someone is actually like this. I can’t fathom it and the only thing that is giving me any ounce of acceptance is knowing that she is sick with a history of abuse. She was born during the war and has blocked out the first 8 years of her life, though I think she has been using that all of her life as a way to just manipulate everyone. She involved herself in my business, was partly responsible for its demise, I have been isolated and cut off from my entire family for almost 5 years now and my brother, who has made some horrid mistakes, some of them illegal against me, is given a hall pass. My sister, who has been pretty awful to me my whole life, is now the golden child. The strange thing is, I think I was the golden child for many years and my sister was the scapegoat and I’m at the point where I would just rather manipulate my way back to being the golden child if I can, just to save me headaches. My only concern is that I somehow sacrifice my good values and that if I get too close, it will have a toxic effect on my development, which it already has. I struggle so much and it all feels like such a strange nightmare. NM are dark souls, better off dead I feel sometimes, which is awful, but how does someone not love their child or care for them, or worse yet, try to destroy them?


Kady January 1, 2015 at 3:46 am

Its unreal isn’t it. I have lived on the other side of the glass too. We talk we scream but no one hears us. They see us as weak. We even feel like we are that person they say even though we accomplish much we are pinned down to there image. I hope someone breaks the covert and deadly arcenal. How many have not made it to this web site. I am afaid many and many more locked in mental institutions or worse. There should be severe penaltys for this. How do you prove what is unseen is the only trick. When the rest of the family is in on it and no one cares to help. Watch out who you tell because more than not they join in and we really begin to believe its true. My experience no wants to hear and they only think Im nuts or weak. I hope we can expose this someday. Hug I know!


K July 23, 2016 at 6:56 am

Dear RR, I am moved by your comment, your story. Would you be willing to contact me, I have just been to a seminar where a leading researcher is trying to shed light on thisNPD issue, (the malignant ones) to clinicians who wind up getting manipulated by these scary individuals. I request if you could contact me, I am not (as yet) a professional in the field, but aiming toward this goal once the kids are slightly older; I want to help potential victims, it would be helpful to hear more of your unique situation (the fact that your NM is ACTUALLY in the mental health field for instance!) oppressednolonger341516 at gmail. Best Regards


Kady January 1, 2015 at 3:03 am

Nice to meet all of you!
Reading this site and it seems I have met my people. 52 years old and I think I finally have the answer to my life. I was someone who lived on the other side of the glass. watching everyone else live love laugh. The glass was thick and no one heard me. I scream still no one heard me.
I believe min is NM. My sister brutalized, tormented and degraded me every day after my Fathers death 42 years ago. He died no one ever talked to me about his death no comfort or explanation. My brother , sister , and mother tag teamed me from 8y/o. When I was fifteen I ranawy. The things said and done by all the members of my family, there friends anyone that new us viewed me as the odd.
I had daily humiliation from my sister both physical and mental.
My brother also treated me with disgust and mocked me as fact each one abused me. My brother watch me in bathroom im told he charged his friends to watch my through a hole. All I heard was that I was lazy , stupid, numnuts , wild women from barnio. I was humiliated in public and my sister destroyed my reputation in our home town and ability to maintain friendships, My sisters phone rang off the hook. I on the other hand was lucky if I had one friend had 1 friend here and there. I called my NM to tell her I was being hit. She said she too busy at work had to go and nothing was said or done. It was like they all new something I did not know and I had no one to tell. I could go on for days with stories. I ran away a second time after to weeks back home. No one spoke to me except for rules 2 weeks of that and I left again to LA with 2.00 in my pocket now 16. I called NM once I was in LA no where to sleep. I called my NM and she said she was lucky most run aways never call home. I slept in a Uhaul. I was convinced early I was the problem because 3 family members all felt same. I was lucky to meet a Man who I married and lived with for 15 years and is still my friend if not for him I’d surely be dead or worse. I was full blown alcoholic by 13. I lived with Bikers twice my age. I must have known at some level I had the least of any on the earth. My Dad was amazing I died when he died. I was raised to be a model after his death only told I was ugly. I’m not but I believed I was for many years. So 15 years my NM liked the idea of my electrician husband. No one in my family counted on me finding anyone to care. My mother told me go on SSi at 16 I would never amount to anything. I spent many times cutting her off then letting them all back. I shared all I had with them. There is so many horrible experiences I spent most my life alone watching everyone else live. My husband gave me a nice life and unconditional love. I went back to school and I couldn’t write a check or do simple math my reading level was sixth grade when tested for college. I failed basic math class and cried so embarrasse to tell my husband he got me a tutor and I am a Horticulturist , Licensed Landscaper and Certified Medical Assistant. I found that I was smart and still wanted them to accept me tell me great job but they never said so. I divorced after 15 years. I realized quickly that I was not as good as I thought. I had great job but serious depression. So since NM was nice during my marriage I assumed I was safe to go back home as an adult. My NM had me a $900.00 month rent waiting. She did not allow me in her home but when X was there were welcome. She told me Let us see how good you are with out my husband. I knew in my gut that I was in trouble. My sister also gave me a tough time. My brother a full blown Heroin addict alcoholic he died at 39 that was suppose to be me. I married what I now know is a narcissist 11 years. after our son was born is what I began to see and hear the true person he was . The first 6 years was a party he was fun and seemed like love and care. I learned throught seveal experience that he was abusing and did not love me. We always drank socially he was drommr, so WE partied a lot after 7 or 8 seriously degrading and mental abuses I left him. I felt like I was captive leaving prison. He only became a million times worse and Just like with my NM and siblings. We had a child. My only family at 36 my NM and sister made my pregnancy and wedding terrible. During my 2nd marriage we drank and I asked my X to not bring alcohol in home. I had quit all drugs and anlocold for 8 years I became a success that everyone said I would not. I went no contact with family on and off and now the man I married was nothing like the man I thought I knew and he wanted me dead and destroyed he told me then he could take our son. I loved being a mother I adored my son. I hope I am not or was not NM with him I don’t think so but my drinking got worse and I hung myself because now he used that even though he in oour marriage did not care if I dring but now it was used to gain custody . He and my NM now have our son convinced I am crazy would not be hard because I did have a complete nervous break down He would know and just push me harder. My son is 14 for first 8 years it was just me and our son. but they have succeded and my son wants nothing to do with me. I have a million more horrors I can share but 7 years of therapy I m told Ive had ptsd since 11 years old due to treatment I had in my family. Coming back here regressed me back to the girl on street 20 years early who lived clean successful life. Because I had an alcohol problem now I gave them the bullet and all the 26 years of hard work meaningless I lost everything and no one not one person cared. I had complete nervous break down I slowly recovered and many succeses and talents . Not ever did anyone from my home town acknowledge what I became and in many cases accomplishments beyond many of them now on in my family acknowledege and when they saw I was week they my NM my X and all old friend only noticed me when I fell. This is where they wanted it to end. I pulled myself out took 7 years I met man Im with we had 4 months and he had a failed surgery and has the worst reprocussion possible and face paralysis . I was working for a multimilionare for two years when we met and was back on my feet excepting my life alone I was still seeing my son for visitation but he had no respect for me he saw me being disrespected I think the NM and the X new there tactics and son saw so I don’t blame him for not being safe. He and I both were not and the courts sided with my X. I had so many proofs but because I could not afford a lawyer I hung myself. So I am on my feet I have a man who takes all the calls and now they do not call at all. My son is 14 he will not talk to me or come for visitation . I have not and will not speak to family for 7 years now. My home town did not see or acknowledge how well I did they only began paying attention when I fell. So it apprears I am nothing and 26 years of hard hard work and success goes unnoticed and as if none of it ever happened. I have had my PTSD in remission during my first marriage it was a safe kind environment and we worked hard. I see now I was robbed of life. I was never aloud to play. I could not put in words and when I tried I looked crazy. As I said I have even touched the surface of how I have been treated on this planet. I saw dark side of almost all people I ever came in contact with. I worked for Director at St. Lukes in New York 2 years. I was assistant to Ed McGlasson former NFL Giants and Rams. I purchase and sold 3 home. I do think my NM wanted me in a mental institution or jail or dead. Now my N and my X NH are in contact and they are validating each of their stories and they have turned my son agains me and anything I say will be turned. I have never said so much on the internet or topic but this time I had the urge to write a small account. I think there are many lost souls in prisons and mental hospitals. I think that some were made sicker and I get scared of what can happen to me when they combine there forces. I never in a million years dreamed my son would cut me of like I never existed. I have so much documented proof on my X NH but my mother has only done things with no trace and no witnesses. She relaxed in her mony and husband. and there child. My brother is dead, my sister spent 2 years in jail our NH prosecuted her for stealing her credit card I do believe the research is correct because my sister never stopped being abusive and degrading. I do feel bad for both my siblings they too were born into this we were not asked. I tried to reach my son but he sounds like them and now thinks of me like them. He is in midst of a father that put our son in a counceling service for teens who were on drugs and suicide our son did not even know what all that was. My XNH did that to keep us all out of court ordered Family Counceling. Twice he pushed me out and I just cant do anymore court appearance. I got raked over coal Psych eval 3 different judges and the X on one hearing joked with the judge and grew up with the Baylif. His reputation is good he is a performer drummer. My NHM on face book was telling him how good he was. He almost destroyed now they both can tag team me and Im afraid for my son and He may never come back. Now I see you all hear I hope you can help me with advise. I feel you must all be able to recognize me as one of you and what are we going to do about this . Has any one ever suied a parent for Narcisistic abuse and if not isn’t it about time we do. Mental Ill? are not being handled properly and we need to help them. When they are pinned down in straight jackest shot with drugs they are also probably being given PTSD . The abuse is covert and they are slick if you blick you don’t see it . The abused is crying screaming and the are the one singled out for crazy. When its the calm one who should be locked in a mental hospital. They cause so much damage. I was a shell of a person I did not enjoy any of the things I see others enjoy. No one sees past me being stupid because due to PTSD my short term memory is bad. I devised ways of learning and am extrememly smart but they see me have to ask 5 times same thing and they assume, gossip and treat me as if I’m stupid. The bullys at work pick up on me and I am scapegoated . I should be promoted but I get demoted because I talk to much I to honest. I told anyone who would listen my story in hope they would tell me what was going on. Onl;y been 7 years my therapist informed my I was an adult survivor of child abuse . I knew this but in 40 plus years no one person validated it. Invalidation is all I have known except for 8 years I had my religion but there I got to see the other side of those who were suppose to have my back. I am scared to hit send but I am because someone has to see this and stop it find a way to expose it it kills it locks innocent people away aInd it causes a human being to believe it is nothing. I want to know if anyone ever notices that every conversation they come up and I begin talking about them. I don’t want to talk about them but I cant stop. I don’t know how to stay safe keep my self safe. I cant tell my child any of this or Im abusing him too. Yet they can get away with it. I am so greatful I found a man to understand but his ability to do so came with a tough past and each of us have baggage that leaves us with little credibily. I have proof of my accomplishments but look crazy when try to explain. 50 minutes two times a week with a therapist and the last one spent 1/2 that time on phone with her husband texting. I am tired of loosing and being lied about. I am kept as an invisible human even when I talk no one listens. Ok here goes Im clicking send . I hope I make sense I didn’t even touch on 1/2 of it. 40 plus years and 26 of hard work they made look like nothing. My first husband is with me and he will be signing a notorized letter validating this all as true . he lived it and saw it but what good will that do . When I live where no one knows me I don’t tell I am treated like a human. Be careful when telling your story Im told I have taught everyone I tell how to abuse me. Hope to hear more answers doing this alone is impossible. I think my NM has something else along with Narisism I always thought something very bad and I do think she knows what she is doing. I was warned by a Great Uncle now passed and I was too young to question.


Mel February 19, 2017 at 2:46 pm

Dear Kady…I think from your story that you are a very strong person. Please find support for yourself with people you can trust to support you in building yourself up! Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I believe it will help others.


Kady January 1, 2015 at 3:37 am

Nice to meet all of you!
Reading this site and it seems I have met my people. 52 years old and I think I finally have the answer to my life. I was someone who lived on the other side of the glass. watching everyone else live love laugh. The glass was thick and no one heard me. I scream still no one heard me.
I believe min is NM. My sister brutalized, tormented and degraded me every day after my Fathers death 42 years ago. He died no one ever talked to me about his death no comfort or explanation. My brother , sister , and mother tag teamed me from 8y/o. When I was fifteen I ranawy. The things said and done by all the members of my family, there friends anyone that new us viewed me as the odd.
I had daily humiliation from my sister both physical and mental.
My brother also treated me with disgust and mocked me as fact each one abused me. My brother watch me in bathroom im told he charged his friends to watch my through a hole. All I heard was that I was lazy , stupid, numnuts , wild women from barnio. I was humiliated in public and my sister destroyed my reputation in our home town and ability to maintain friendships, My sisters phone rang off the hook. I on the other hand was lucky if I had one friend had 1 friend here and there. I called my NM to tell her I was being hit. She said she too busy at work had to go and nothing was said or done. It was like they all new something I did not know and I had no one to tell. I could go on for days with stories. If we know this why is nothing being done. I wonder has anyone tried to sue for Narcisistic abuse . They should be held accountable. Its worse than murder. I lived 40+ plus years I should say I was alive I did not live. This is aloud to keep going on there are to many someone has to speak up and make them stop. Its hard for anyone to believe a Mother would have a mental hospital or worse as a dream for her child but Im here to tell you she does exist. This is the first time I feel confident in making that statement. your insight is fascinating and I would like to speak to you some time. And to all the others like me Im sorry you had to suffer hang in there.


Rebecca January 11, 2015 at 4:49 pm

The interesting thing for me is, somehow I have no ability to feel anger at my NM. What I did not expect was to become so angry with my father. He wanted to be a victim all of our lives, as though he were one of the children. Quietly crying about his mistreatment and looking for sympathy. And he will say things like he stayed for the children even though he knew something was wrong. And we are supposed to be so happy. But the truth is, he was not there as a leader or protector, he was a coward, and his support empowered the abuser. He knew the abuse was happening and would lay low and hide outside or in work while NM met her needs to abuse.

When I grew up, my idea that my father really loved me was the thing I clung to. Now, he is the one with whom I am most angry. I am not sure why. I also feel very sad and guilty about it.


April Stark January 31, 2015 at 12:59 pm

I have finally discovered what has been keeping me from feeling confident in my parenting, marriage, and just about every single aspect of my life.
This is huge but such a tremendous relief!
I understand why my oldest brother cut all ties…he’s just like her and you can’t have two people in the family who are perfect and always right. He broke away when he made choices that didn’t validate and glorify her.
My middle brother …the one who was probably mistreated the most is the healthiest I think. He still visits and seems to be content…he honors what was good…and when she crosses the line he just leaves…he doesn’t stay for the bullshit and question his sanity. Somehow he learned along the way that he and all children deserved to be loved by our mothers.
I don’t want to cut her off completely…but having to pray for an hour before I call and the relief when I go to voicemail and then the guilt after…well let’s just say that I’m struggling to be free and know who I am. I’m really mad at the way she has influenced my relationships with my own children. Should I talk to them about what I’ve learned? I’m 51…and have just come to terms with the fact that I was abused and never really loved by my mother…my MOTHER!


Anonymous April 12, 2015 at 4:21 am

I don’t know where to start. So many stories, convoluted stories, falling in,falling out.
My mum has been complicit in turning my sisters against me. We went through the same thing as children and teenagers…. However they moved away when they were still reasonably young and have lost a sense of what it was really like.

I stayed in the same town…. Then had a child which is where my story got worse. When I left my daughters father …. I ended up getting myself in the ridiculously stupid position of relying on her for childcare, effectively putting myself in her pocket. I’ve spent the last 10 years loathing her but having to have her in my life…. I had a couple of relationships, often rushing in, to rush away from her. I just wanted to be free.
And now I’m really the shit on her shoe because of my failed relationships.

Even in my 30s she managed to control my life…. If I didn’t lead my life the way she agreed effectively she wouldn’t talk to me. I just wanted a mum, who could love, spend time with, confide in. I feel like I’ve been dealt a shitty hand.

Now over the years because I always had to work full time, she had more free time than me with my daughter…. I always hoped being supportive nice and loving would be enough for my girl… But my mums managed to turn her against me.

I feel like she’s won.

It’s all a horrible feeling that I cannot shake. Even now.

My father just did her bidding,just for an easy life for him.
He had anaffair for many years with a wonderful woman for which I think he feels guilty. It was my fault she found out and I think they both hated me from then.


Mel February 19, 2017 at 2:48 pm

Lease focus on yourself and connecting with good people who support your strength and wellness, and tuning out those who don’t.


sheryl May 4, 2015 at 10:51 am

My 78 year old mother has extended her narcissistic ways from me to my children, her grandchildren. The one that was my age when I left home is treated the same as I am, the scapegoat. My youngest son is getting married this year and we have had a couple of showers she was invited to. She lives out of state and refuses to stay at my house. My father died three years ago and was the only one who somewhat kept her in line, from time to time making her apologize. Now she runs amok. She has attacked me over the past month since I decided to sell my home and move in with a man I am committed to six years post my divorce. I unfortunately also married what I was used to and lived in the same existence for another 30 years.
After a heated argument she started over the sale of my home and all the negative things she could spew at me about my move, she is sidestepping me entirely to call one of my children to get information she needs. A home, by the way, I decorated a beautiful room for her and she had zero interest in being a part of. Now she wants all her clothes back because she does not want them “going to another house” declaring I don’t want my clothes at that house and I’m never coming there…with a man whom she has met and of course was very nice too.

I asked her what kind of relationship she wanted with me…if she can’t put the past aside, I have apologized for things I neither started nor should have apologized for. She has only consistently attacked me and blamed me for all in her life and unfortunately when she tries to speak for my dear deceased father, I lose it which I know now is exactly what she wants. I told her that the only parent I had a relationship with is gone. She pushed me and pushed me like I used to watch her do to my father until he blew up. Then she turns and blames the argument on you like oh poor me. She said “Well that’s all I need to hear” and hung up. She pushed me until she could in her mind cut me off for something I said. Now she is going around me to my children.

I honestly don’t think I can live another decade under this kind of treatment. I am an only child and have handled all of her finances and went through and managed all that was needed following my father’s passing.

I am used to the silent treatment…got it all the time as an only child…how nice, and then turned around and had a husband use the same tool to control.

As a thinking, feeling person, I am a wonderful mother to my four children…would never dream on the worst day of my life on the planet, of ever saying anything so caustic to any one of my children.

However, this still feels terrible…and I understand at 58 years old why I struggle with issues of feeling unwanted and fear of being abandoned and questioning my value.

I really want zero contact with her, but how do I cope with the guilt since I’m an only child…she knows I’m a Catholic, went to church with my dad every Sunday…she never came and frankly hated the connection when he passed as I had the role of making sure he received his last rights and arranging for a service for him.

I would appreciate any advice…you know most people don’t get this…


Anonymous June 25, 2015 at 1:56 am

Hi Sheryl,
Reading your message is heart-breaking. Your mother is a witch and you are an angel. In the story of Snow White the stepmother is evil and jealous and wants to destroy her. I see that this is like your life. If I could tell you anything at all to encourage you it would be that you deserve freedom from her. You deserve to be happy and be healed and whole. If only you could realise that she has likely manipulated you with guilt your whole life because you have the love of God in you and will be kind to her- too kind. Any guilt she puts on you is a lie. Guilt is from the devil. God only sends us the gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit when we do wrong, and it makes us see the reality and helps us change. Guilt is condemnation and is from the enemy who like your mother only wants to rob you of your peace, kill your joy, and destroy any life you have. You, like me, have had the devil attacking you through your mother your whole life. God wants you to know the truth because the truth can set you free. You don’t owe this woman ANYTHING. And you, like me will find others to love you, beginning with your Heavenly Father and then true Christians. It’s a long journey, but it begins with facing the truth that your mum won’t change, and so you must stop her damaging you by having no contact. I have done this and am now grieving the loss of the mother I loved and thought I had, but never loved me. It’s okay because God will reveal the truth to you if you ask Him.


Wiser now June 25, 2015 at 1:57 am

Hi Sheryl,
Reading your message is heart-breaking. Your mother is a witch and you are an angel. In the story of Snow White the stepmother is evil and jealous and wants to destroy her. I see that this is like your life. If I could tell you anything at all to encourage you it would be that you deserve freedom from her. You deserve to be happy and be healed and whole. If only you could realise that she has likely manipulated you with guilt your whole life because you have the love of God in you and will be kind to her- too kind. Any guilt she puts on you is a lie. Guilt is from the devil. God only sends us the gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit when we do wrong, and it makes us see the reality and helps us change. Guilt is condemnation and is from the enemy who like your mother only wants to rob you of your peace, kill your joy, and destroy any life you have. You, like me, have had the devil attacking you through your mother your whole life. God wants you to know the truth because the truth can set you free. You don’t owe this woman ANYTHING. And you, like me will find others to love you, beginning with your Heavenly Father and then true Christians. It’s a long journey, but it begins with facing the truth that your mum won’t change, and so you must stop her damaging you by having no contact. I have done this and am now grieving the loss of the mother I loved and thought I had, but never loved me. It’s okay because God will reveal the truth to you if you ask Him.


Carol November 30, 2016 at 9:31 am

Dear Sheryl,

One thought I’m having which would be one step towards giving you more space is to find someone (maybe through her bank) else to take care of your mother’s money. There would probably be a fee which your mother may protest. But if you remain forever firm in what you will no longer do in that regard, that boundary setting could give you one more step towards freedom. My best to you.


Jordan July 21, 2015 at 12:54 pm

Hello. I’ve been reading into NPD and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a few months now. I’ve also noticed that most children of NM realize this quite late in their lives or after they have turned 18 and moved out. I’m currently 17 and I’m so glad that my generation has this kind of access, because I would have been in worse shape if I never found out I had a NM. Being an only child, I’ve been put in multiple roles with her throughout my life. When I was little, it was a combination of the golden child and the scapegoat. Most of the abuse that has taken place was emotional, but wasn’t limited to occasional physical abuse. The abuse that I(and I’m sure many others) endure was selective and quiet, so it truly made you feel crazy. All I can do at this point is educate myself on the matter and wait until I’m a legal adult to leave.


lauri February 2, 2019 at 10:38 am

Jordan, I’m so glad you are finding out now! I too am an only child. My dad left when I was 12. He tried telling me & adults my mother was narcissistic but I didnt understand (of course) and no one else was interested in his psychology books.
Youtube has fabulous resources too on NMs. I wish you a wonderful future!


evelyn September 25, 2015 at 2:03 pm

I know this is an old thread, but the subject is really timeless. When dealing with spineless daddies, it is complex, probablymany may want to stay with his kids, used to it (as pointed out), etc. Family dynamics in both of their own househyolds, etc. However, and this goes for both mommies and daddies, I have repeatedly seen how so many of them will NOT protect a child from an abusive spouse. Not only physical, but narcissistic crap. I did not go through that aspect (or maybe I did a little) but posts here, talk shows (Dr Phil and others), point this aspect out repeatedly. We read the fall out in news items.
It has led me to the sad conclusion that many many people, and I think especially women, DO NOT CARE WHAT THEY INFLICT ON A CHILD.


Kylie October 18, 2015 at 7:31 pm

Yesterday my eldest daughter (who is 22) called me as she was depressed about a book she was reading. When I asked her what the book was about, she told me it was about Narcissistic Mothers. My head spun a little and I was waiting for some sort of condemnation or criticism from her, after all if she’s reading this book then she must think I’m a narcissist right? Wrong. She got the book out as she’d recognised that my mother is a narcissist and wanted to understand how that had impacted me and therefore how that had impacted how I had mothered her, which had an emotional impact on her which is why she called. I never told my daughter her grandmother was a narcissist, she just figured it out on her own from her own dealings with her. I’m blessed is all I can say.


BigBrownEyes January 16, 2016 at 6:21 pm

Hi Michelle and thank you for your blog.

I am sorry this post is long, and my mother’s behaviour towards me that fits all the info on this blog, uncannily similar, but I am still not sure if my mum is a narcissist.

It was my Dad in the house who’s behaviour was closest to the narcissist.
He used to be horrible to my mum, and he bullied the rest of us, both phsyically and mentally, he didn’t hit our oldest brother, but I remember him bullying him.

My mother was abusive to us all, as kids, except my oldest brother, but as adults, her behaviour towards me, was worse than to my other four older siblings.
I can see narcissistic traits in her behaviour towards me, as in, she used to get together with my older sister who also bullied me, and they used to verbally abuse me and make me cry.

I left my job, sold up, and moved 300miles away, a safe distance. It was then that I realised that I had been brought up in an abusive home.
Looking back, she manipulated me into living with her until I was aged 25, because every time I tried to say I wanted to leave home, she would put me off, saying that it is a bad idea to rent a house as it is more expensive, so I stayed and waited till I had a deposit to buy one.
She refuses point blank, to acknowledge any pain she has caused me. She plays victim and tries to manipulate me into believing I am selfish.
My sister also calls me selfish, yet I am a timid people pleaser.
My siblings used to pick on me as well, and even though there are four of them, all of them are flying monkeys and I am the scapegoat.
I wasn’t a rebel, as I had had that abused out of me by my parents.

I hate it when birthdays and christmases come, as she sends me cards and money, but it feels wrong, accepting these from a mother who I had an abusive relationship with.
I cut off contact with them for seven years, after moving away, because I was angry with my family, as I was repeating the same abusive relationships here, 300 miles away, that I had with my abusive siblings, and parents, with people I never even knew.
It was strange, the relationships I was having here, 300 miles away from my family, with people here, that have never met my family, were like echoes or mirrors of these family relationships. One person may remind me of my mum, another of my dad, and others of my abusive siblings.

I had a bit of a breakdown about 6 years ago, and I rang my family in tears. The breakdown was due to me coming off tranqulisers and getting paranoia about issues that were outside of my family life, and they came for me. I rang them on impulse, I regret doing it.

I went to stay with them for three weeks and me and my mum would talk on the phone every night, but I was still in a very vulnerable place.
She did on the phone one night, “I guess I could have treated you better, but I was getting picked on by your Dad at the time” or something like that.
I wished I had said that the time that I thought it was unfair to take out her anger on me, and it has affected my trust in her, but I didn’t, maybe because I was still recovering from the breakdown.
Anohter night on the phone, me and my mum were chatting, and she wasn’t being abusive, when she said this, but she was just reflecing on our lives and she told me that her and the family ‘kept me little’.
After the call, I reflected on this, and I thought “No wonder I have always felt like a child in an adult’s body”, and “No wonder I have always felt stunted, emotionally”, but I did not think to say this to her on the phone.
Also, any time, my mum was behaving meanly to me, when I tried to tell her in an adult way, that what she was doing was unfair, she used to always say in a whiny voice “Awww grow up, stop acting like a 2 yr old”. When I was growing up, anytime she took her anger out on me, she would always say “How old are you?” or “You are *yr’s old and you are acting childish”
So, on the one hand, she is telling me to grow up, yet on the other hand, she is stunting my growth.
I felt like she messed my head up, and caused me a lot of difficulties.
I was recently told that I had suspected ADHD and also, some autistic traits, and I had been depressed and my mum was saying that I am self centered and always bring the conversation back to me, two more things that she has always said to me, and I tried to tell her that I was autistic and had possible ADHD and she just minimized them and said that my sister thinks she has autism and that she didnt believe in ADHD.
I tried to tell her about how I felt about her treatment towards me, and she said that she if fed up of me making out she is a crap mother, and that I wasn’t the best of daughters.
I never brought trouble to their door when growing up, I wasnt a drug addict, but I am now, and, when I lieved with them, I was like their maid, doing far more housework than counterparts of the same age around near where I live.
I said to her, I had been a good daughter, and I said that I don’t want any more birthday cards with “Wonderful daughter” on them.
I’ve lived away from them for fifteen years and my 6 nephews and nieces, who are now in their teens and twenties, think that my parents are wonderful grand-parents. My Dad is dead now, he has been dead two years, but both parents absolutely dote on their gandchildren.
It seems like, although it was my Dad, who’s behaviour fits that of a narcissist, when I read your description of the behaviour of a narcissistic mother, she is only that way towards me. She gets on fine with the others.
Also, now that I have left, my family have not chosen a scapegoat.
I read some things out that my mother had written to me, to my counsellor, and my counsellor said that what my mother said was despicable.
It is these two things, that make me doubt myself, the fact that there is no new scapegoat, and the fact that my mum does not bully or manipulate any of the others, she talks to them, like normal adults. If anything, my sister bullies my mum a bit. My mum said that when she was in a shop, trying new clothes on, she always felt calmer and less hurried with me, trying clothes on, than she did with my sister.
So, that is the background, the point of this post, is to say, is my mother not a tru narcissist if she only picked on me?
I mean, she had kids before abortion was legal and she had five kids in five years. I don’t know, but she was afraid of my Dad, so maybe, she might have had unprotected sex with him against her will, I don’t know, but she had us five, and just because a mother has kids, doesn’t mean she has to love them all, unconditionally, especially if there is one that she just doesn’t love as much.
After I first became aware that my relationship with my parents was abusive, I thought I should I have expected unconditional love from them, and in an ideal world a parent would normally love their child unconditionally, but while my parents said they loved me all the time, it was conditional, conditional that I allow, and welcome abuse from them, whenever they are in a bad mood and want to attack.
So, is it possible to be a narcissist only to one person? or is it something I am doing that is bringing out thier evil behaviour.


Mel February 19, 2017 at 2:51 pm

NPD’s hide sides of themselves, and show different sides at different times to different people. Circumstances can bring out behaviors that would shock you. Studying others’ experience may help you see it’s all been there all along, and it’s not about you. Please read up and find people who support you being strong. Best wishes.


John July 26, 2016 at 9:50 pm

I need serious help dealing with what I have figured out in the last year. I’m 45, and I believe my mother is a narcissist, and possibly my dad is too. I could write volumes about the crap I have had to deal with. I am the scapegoat, my dads mother and his sister were too, my sister in law, my mothers brothers wife, and my older two sons are as well. There always has to be a villain with my mother. Someone that is the torn in her side, that can do nothing right, that is mercilessly attack, slandered, and made the constant butt of the joke.
All that I have wanted since I can remember is to be recognized and respected by my parents. Nothing I do is right, school was hell, because my mother would run in for parent teacher conferences within the first couple of weeks of school. After the initial meeting with my teacher or teachers, it was all down hill from there. I am convinced she told them something bad, because after that it only got worse as the year crept on, and more meetings followed, they wouldn’t help me, or even acknowledge me in class. There were only a few teachers that seemed to ignore her BS, and oddly she hated those teachers despite me doing extremely well while I was in there classroom. I think they saw through her fake smile, and over the top supermom persona.
I have been gaslighted mOre times than I can count, and every time previous to about 5 months ago I fell for it. Why? Because I wanted so badly to believe that we had turned a corner, and this time she meant what she said, but sadly that never happened.
My family, outside of those of us that are dirt of the earth, and still alive, thinks she’s super mom. So caring and committed to her children. Malarkey.
She was;
Extremely quick to punish me harshly over stupid, trivial stuff that normal parents would not have said jack about. Often whatever I got in trouble for was complete fabricated, or greatly exaggerated. Of course it was her good word against mine, so guess who won?

There was no escaping her. She was at the school everyday, and if a child got in trouble, whether or not they were in my classroom, or hell, even in my grade, she would run home and tell my judge, jury, and executioner father that I was doing it too, but didn’t get caught. Of course a beating and grounding would ensue.

She homed in on kids with low self esteem, and parents that were obviously struggling or had issues. Single mothers, she was their buddy, kid wouldn’t bath or wore clothes that were falling apart, I was forced to be their friend. Pill head or alcoholic parents, yep she went all out to talk to them. She would absorb every ounce of their sordid lives, and convince them that she was a shoulder to cry on and a friend to get them to open up, and spill every evil that had happened to them. And then in the cruelest act, she would suddenly cast them away, and tell people how worthless they were, how trashy they were, and of course she had no idea they were like that. Bullshit, she knew, she just wanted to feed on their pain until there was nothing left to offer. Normal kids and family’s, she wasn’t interested in.

Any friend I ever had was ran off by her. She always claimed to have known their parents from high school, even if they were not from here! Any female I have ever cared about never stayed around long. Mom would slander them, and make their lives a living hell, all because they were near me. However, she could meet some low intelligence slob, and try to cram them down my throat, because “they need a friend too!” I was even grounded for refusing to go out with a girl that smelled of BO, and menstral odor. I kid you not.

I will not bore you guys too much, but I could go on and on about my childhood and adult hood. Anything I wanted to be, mocked and made fun of. The name calling, the endless humiliation, the gas lighting, the lying, the destruction of anyone I loved or cared about, the destruction of my personal possessions. Any achievement by me down played, ridiculed, or denied.
All of these things were carefully presented as being acts of kindness, and looking out for me. All a lie. All designed to hurt and torture me while smiling and singing her own praises while the unknowing applauded her for what she was doing. It was all a sick illusion. 5 months without any contact. I don’t give a damn if they both died tomorrow. I will no longer be their toy. Screw them.


Anonymous September 14, 2016 at 1:08 pm

I am so glad I have found this site posting. I never could understand why my mother was like she was and how she treated others. It is a comfort to know that I am not the only person out there in the world that has this issue with NM. My mother has actually being seeing a therapist for depression. She doesn’t or will never realize the problem is with her. Instead she always wants to haul me into her therapist so she can dump on me and make me feel sorry for her. I won’t allow this to happen and her therapist has professed to me that he has never treated a person with such a case of NPD. I told him I felt I had to protect myself and I would not attend. He understood my need to protect self. To actually hear others use the exact same words I have uttered is what shocked me. My husband who’s family has normal relationships is just now starting to understand what I have been saying for 16 years. He did not have to deal with her until I went No Communication over the last 8 months. I have removed my name from her people to call if her alarm goes off at home as well. He continues to have limited contact. We can not afford to give her anymore money and absolutely can not have her move in with us. she has given all her money away and has these grand ideals of winning the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes and all kinds of other awards. she is also trying to start a web business and then she said the money will just start rolling in. I am at the end of my rope dealing with her, exhausted, drained of my own happiness, financially trying to save for my own retirement in 15 years, and frankly wished she would die so this would just end and her creditors could gobble up what was left and be done with the whole situation.


Mark February 16, 2017 at 4:13 pm

My unconscious just drop a bomb on me that my ex is a narcissist. It is a good bomb though. All of a sudden lots of things make sense, not wanting to be blamed for everything, wondering how I could have missed it all those years, the unexplained anger I have been feeling lately, feeling angry when customer service people don’t seem to care, my profession as a helping professional. Lots make sense and I have lots of questions.



Dionna November 7, 2017 at 10:21 am



biret July 14, 2018 at 5:13 pm

I have the same situation. I am afraid of behaving similar to my children because this narcisstic behaviour the only thing I experianced from my mother. I dont know the normal loving relationship. I would like to recover urgently but I dont know how. I spent last 20 years trying to solve the problem but still in the score table it seems extreme Trauma for me. How can I get recover?


lauri February 2, 2019 at 10:43 am

have you found the book Will I ever be good enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride? an amazing read with a recovery guide. best of luck to you!


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